Chapter 22 - Falling
Harm knew her moods quite well, the ebb and flow which manifested itself in her eyes. When she was happy, her eyes would take an almost amber hue. If she was upset they were like molten chocolate. It was when she cried that the two mixed and the hue was absolutely stunning. That was the look in her eyes on Tuesday morning and it made him worry. "Good Morning, Colonel."
She looked lost as she brushed by him and towards her office. "Nothing good about it."
He knew better than to pry. Harm was giving her space after all but his innate sense to care for Mac overrode any possible backlash. "You alright?" Not daring to enter without being asked, he leaned against the door frame and watched her settle in.
Mac sighed and her eyes were veiled. He wouldn't understand, she knew he wouldn't and that 'space' he was affording her would close in fast if he didn't get an answer. "I'm fine, Harm. Just reeling over a crappy therapy session that makes me wonder why I'm even here."
Harm frowned, getting her meaning despite the lack of clarification. "You're here because you're supposed to be." He said and sensing no hostility stepped into her office. "If you weren't here I would have been locked in jail for going after Holbarth. If you weren't here I would have died in Russia. Who would have found me at sea?"
His voice was so soft like a gentle caress forcing Mac to look up at him. Harm gave her a soft smile which she returned tentatively. "Sorry. Sometimes therapy leaves me...bereft."
Dr. Taylor eyed Mac who hadn't said a word since entering her office. The Marine was usually tentative to start bur, this time didn't even spare a 'good morning' her way. "What's on your mind?"
"Him." She said and closed her eyes tightly to prevent a tear from slipping out. "He still wants me enough to give me space to make my own decision about us."
"That is a good thing. Unless there is something about him you haven't told me."
Mac bit her lower lip. 'Any man who's ever been with Mac is dead or wish they were.' She couldn't get his voice out of her head or the tone Harm used that meant he was serious. A million apologies couldn't erase those words. "Why would a man who loves you say those things? If it was because I hurt him...hell, he hurt me too!"
She slammed a hand into her chest a little harder than intended and the fury which had been waning over Harm was brought back up to a boil. "He apologized as if that would just erase things. It can't."
Dr. Taylor tried not to glare at her patient. Often enough the insults were two-fold: one would start, the other would finish. In all likelihood Mac had probably done something to produce such a nasty comment. "You've never said anything that could be construed as cruel or unforgiving to him?"
"No, Doctor. I haven't and trust me, Harm has done some pretty stupid things in the time that I've known him that would warrant critique."
"Did you ever do something to make him feel that way?"
"No!" She stopped for a moment, images of a starlit night, the Southern Cross and a different ferry ride forced a calm into her. Mac hadn't agreed to marry Mic that night but she didn't refuse either. She took Harm's words at face value, didn't see that he was conflicted and used Mic to heal her wounded heart. "Yes. Only I didn't realize how much I hurt him."
There were other times she could recall, choosing to go on a date with Mic, flaunting him in front of Harm just to get his reaction. It was always cool, always impassive until the most inopportune moments. That too was infuriating and it was when things got a tad serious with him and Renee that Mac moved the ring. "He didn't seem to want me, not that way so I moved on and it hurt him."
"You can't corner the market on hurt."
"No but...He spent so much time avoiding the issue until it was too late." Mac frowned trying to piece together where things went off the rails. She knew it hung between the appearance of Ragle and Harm's departure from JAG. After that, things just weren't clicking anymore. They were still friends but, the tension had grown."I want to believe that Harm has no right to feel that way but, I guess he does, doesn't he?"
"Yes he does." The comment itself was cause for questioning and it was more of a curiosity than a professional move when Dr. Taylor asked about death. "Whose death was he referring to? Your husband I assume? That was hardly your fault."
Mac sighed, long and rough as she thought of the man who lay dying in her arms in the middle of an alleyway. 'I love you, I always will.' She'd said to him, lied because it was clear he wouldn't survive another minute. Mac still felt shame from it although it mostly came in the form of relief that Dalton was gone from her life. She wasn't sure how far he was willing to go, if he'd turn into some sort of monster that would never let her live. For the first time in forever, she was scared and it wasn't a look Mac liked on herself. "A year or so before Chris' death, I was dating a man. I caught the eye of a big shot lawyer in DC. He was everything I thought I needed ina man - wealthy, good looking, someone who could show me how the other half lives, you know? A provider...I thought I was in love."
"But you weren't?"
Mac shook her head. "No. I was infatuated by him. Love takes time, I guess. I was seduced by him, by the money and even left JAG for a time to join his law firm." The amount of zeros on the check they'd presented was everything she'd ever need and then some. Much more than the military would ever be able to offer and a way to absolve her crummy past. "Long story short, Harm got into some trouble and needed legal help. I saved his life, saved him from being locked up for a crime he didn't commit."
Dalton wasn't impressed by this move or the maneuvering he had to do to force Mac to work for them only for her to quit. It made him the laughing stock at the firm, a fact he revealed during dinner one night and that is when she began to see a change. "He was always good to me but, he had become indifferent. I bruised his ego amongst his colleagues when I returned to JAG."
"I realized that I was more of his arm candy than anything else. No one in that firm cared for my legal skills other than to have me write briefs after briefs like some sort of legal aid." And then he'd done the most unforgivable thing. "Somehow we were working on a case and Dalton's firm was hired to defend. I was upset that he didn't refuse but, then I realized why when documents were stolen from my apartment. That was the end of us only he wouldn't let me go."
Dr. Taylor sighed, she knew what was coming next. "He began stalking you?"
"Yes. To the point that he would take lowly Navy cases in order to bump into me at JAG. Harm confronted him once, told him to back off but, he didn't. He wouldn't. So I figured, I could talk to him one more time, reason with him that we weren't meant to be." She never understood why she was so special that Dalton couldn't let go. There were more attractive, wealthier women that would be fit to be Mrs. Lowne, Mac wasn't it.
"That was foolish of you."
Mac frowned and stood, moving slowly back and forth across the office. Foolish indeed only she didn't realize it had been two men following her at the same time. One was far more deadlier than the other. "It was. But, I asked him to meet me at a busy bar. We never got the chance to talk though, he was killed that night by another man who was stalking me."
The story sounded almost like a soap opera or some cheesy b-rated movie that played at odd hours of the night. "Another man was after you?"
"I'd helped Harm stall a DC detective from taking a Vet into custody. He developed a bit of an attraction for me." It was common to have men hit on her and Mac never thought anything more of it. In all honesty, she couldn't ever see Coster doing such a thing. "He broke into my place, scribbled Dalton's last words to me with lipstick behind my headboard. He destroyed my place, bugged it and so I went to Harm… Oh God."
The thought which crossed her mind made Mac feel sick. She retreated back to the guest chair, slipping into it with a defeated posture. She had said nasty things to him and although it was a product of being inebriated, Mac meant every word. "I have been mean with him….terribly so."
Alcohol had a way of loosening the lips and the thoughts that were normally kept hidden away would bubble to the surface unhindered. She took aim at him that afternoon, shooting where it would hurt him the most. 'Harmon Rabb, Jr. So righteous. So pure. You never had a weak moment in your life, did you? Oh, wait a minute. I forgot. Yeah, you have had weak moments, of course. Your long lost father. Neurotic Annie.'
"He called me a mean drunk." She chuckled without feeling. "I haven't had a drink since but...it was no excuse for what I said. His father meant so much and I just...He...He forgave me. He forgave me and hatched this crazy plan to catch Coster and we did." That night Harm took her home, watched over her as she slept. Cleaned her mess when she'd thrown up in the bathroom trying to rid her body of the vodka Coster forced down her throat. She'd woken up to find him uncomfortably sprawled across her sofa with his ankle up on pillows, a melted cold pack on his bruised ankle. "Even God forgives…"
"What was that?"
"Even God Forgives...of course Harm feels dead inside over me...of course." Because he's picked up all of her broken pieces and tried to reassemble them in his own way.
"Colonel…"
"He's been with me through every relationship. every failure. He's seen me run away...seen me settle. Accused me of it and he's right… so right."
"Is that what you did with your ex?"
Mac nodded. "I couldn't have Harm...So I did, went to someone who said the right things, did the right things...And I would have been miserable." And abused. The Marine in her wouldn't have taken it, of course. But, the woman in her that didn't want to be alone would have because she was weak, so weak. "I'm not settling with Harm...It's more involved more...more...everything. And I hurt him because I'm associating his protectiveness of me with some abusive bastard... Christ he was right."
"Right about what?"
'Every time a man tells you your worth something, you push him away.' She never understood what he meant by that comment only that it served to chip a piece of her because he'd been right. "About me pushing away...It's happened with him from the beginning...every compliment he gave, every flirt… at first I threw him more red lights than the Beltway...I was determined not to let his good looks charm me…manipulate me...I was falling for him not because of his charm but because of who he was...I'm pushing him away now too and I don't want to."
"Then stop."
It was easier said than done. Mac's wounded heart was calling the shots and though the marks which Mic had left were gone now, the emotional ones wouldn't let it happen again.
"Mac? Where'd you go?" Harm was in her office now, hovering from the opposite side of her desk. She looked up finding a look of utmost concern on his beautiful face. "You okay?"
She cleared her throat and sat back in her chair folding her arms across her chest defensively. "Yeah… Yes, I'm just...I'm sick of having to go to therapy."
He gave her a lopsided smile. "I remember sessions like that. The ones that would make you talk about your deep dark secrets and make you feel like shit."
"You went to therapy?" Her eyebrows shot up in surprise he didn't seem like the type that would willing put himself through this.
"Yep...after the ramp strike I was ordered." He walked in further, leaned against her filing cabinet and gave her a wider grin. "I was in my late 20s, thought I ruled the world and did as ordered in hopes I could get my wings back. In hindsight, I should have listened and taken it seriously."
Mac was taking it seriously, kept writing in her journal, spent countless evenings awake trying to stop her emotions from playing havoc on her thoughts. "I guess I just never realized how fucked up I am… Or why...I can't look at myself in the mirror sometimes.. I don't like myself very much these days." A tear slipped from her eye, one that he caught with his thumb and brushed away.
Harm was squatting before her, his eyes searching her own with that every present concern. He was gentle with her, a touch so soft when he wiped away yet another tear. God did he want to pull her into his arms, hold her and make her believe she'd be alright. "You'll be alright, Mac."
"You sound sure about that."
"You're one of the strongest persons I know… Have a little faith in yourself."
His eyes had dropped down to her lips, watching with curiosity as she swiped a tongue to moisten them. It made his breath catch and hers as well as the blue irises darkened. What struck Mac the most was how badly she wanted him too. Just one look sent a ripple through her and his hand had dropped down to take hers. "Harm…"
He sighed in desperate frustration. "If you only knew what you're doing to me." At the warning in her eyes, he stood up and took several steps backwards. "Space… Yeah, I know." He shoved a hand in his pocket and produced a small piece of paper with words written in his handwriting. "I have something for you. Captain Jerot called, they found the little girl." He'd also taken the time to secure her a flight to Indonesia and cleared it with Chegwidden. "Your flight leaves at 1640…The Admiral approved it."
"What? How?"
Harm grinned and began to make his retreat from her office. "Consider it a gift and check your middle drawer." He flashed her the cockiest of grins which only made her chuckle. Once he left, she pulled open the middle drawer and inside she found a rose.
Upon further inspection, Mac discovered it wasn't real but the petals were tightly bound and made out of a suede like material. Blood red, small and delicate with a ribbon extending from a tiny green stem. The words 'We met in a rose garden' were etched across written in silver ink. Was it possible to fall even more in love?