A/N: This chapter is, again, a LOT. Thank you so much for reading. I have no idea how y'all are finding this story, but I'm grateful you've stuck with it.

TW: suicidal ideation
TW: insensitivity toward suicidal ideation

Draco stared at the chair.

All those weeks of opening up, of trying to get better, and he ended up back where it began. The progress he made had been erased because he was weak. Who was to say this time wouldn't end just the same?

"Sit down."

Penelope never told him what to do. Draco hesitantly complied, wondering if this was the new normal. It was distressingly familiar, sitting there trying not to completely fall to pieces in the face of Penelope's understanding.

"Why did you come back?"

"I dunno."

"This will be much easier if you don't lie to me, or to yourself," Penelope said. No matter how well she schooled her face into a neutral expression, she could not keep the frustration out of her voice. "So why have you come back?"

"None of it felt real," Draco admitted. "Even now, looking back it feels like I dreamt all those months. The days run together like time meant nothing. Hell, maybe it didn't. Nothing meant anything. I didn't deserve to live and didn't want to die. I wanted to be alone but was angry no one found me. There was so much inside of me and none of it made any sense, so I tried to shut it up. Tried to run away but being alone just made everything louder."

"What did your friends think?"

"Dunno. I dropped my luggage at the manor and came straight here."

"Are your parents happy to have you back?"

"Dunno." Draco shrugged. "My departure was easier for them. I can't sneeze in France without my mother hearing about it. My friends, though, I haven't spoken to any of them except Blaise. And ..." He trailed off, not wanting to finish the thought.

"And?"

"They thought I was suicidal."

Penelope asked, "Were you?"

"NO!" Draco insisted. "No, I ... I don't think so."

"You never considered it?"

"Not outright, no. I am exhausted from living like this, so I want to stop living like this. I keep finding new ways to do it, new excuses, anything but this. Anything but walking into this office once a week hoping that I did enough to get better. I keep hoping recovery is just over the horizon and all I have to do is get there. It is too far away, Penelope; I do not have enough fight in me."

She was quiet for a long time, staring down at her blank parchment like the answer would appear if she waited long enough. Draco didn't need her to say anything. He recognized disappointment when he saw it.

"Anorexia is about perception; you want to control how the world sees you. You are too much of your father or a traitor or any of the number of things you mentioned during our weeks together. Instead of embracing your actions and moving forward, you refuse to forgive yourself. Until you do, until you look yourself in the mirror and say, 'I am happy being Draco Malfoy,' this will keep happening. Every relapse is a crack in the stone, and you will fall apart if you aren't careful."

Draco insisted, "There is no reason for me to be happy like this."

"Then give yourself one."

"I don't understand."

"This has never been about food, Draco. It is about how you see yourself and how you do not believe you can be the man you want to be. I have seen firsthand the people who have given up. You have more than enough strength to get through this. As a child soldier, a scapegoat for an entire country, a forgotten son, you survived it all. You need to acknowledge the strength it took to make it this far."

"But I ran away."

"Why?" asked Penelope. "What prompted you to do it?"

"Blaise's wedding was rather emotional and I was not prepared for it." Draco struggled to keep himself together enough to explain how heavily it impacted him. "Dean deserves someone who loves him like Blaise does. He'd empty his Gringotts vault for Dean. I spent the entire ceremony thinking about how I will never get married, never deserve that sort of love. Then Astoria crashed the reception and asked to come back into my life."

"What did you tell her?"

"I asked her to walk away because I knew I could not say no on my own. I look at her and I want her to fix me. I want to let her make me into someone everyone else will believe is worthy of a woman like her. However, that is not who I am, and it will always end in disaster. When I asked her to walk away, she did. It was the best thing she has ever done for me."

"See?" Penelope asked with a slight smile. "You have already begun to set boundaries for yourself. What you can and cannot handle on your own."

"Well I ruined the day," Draco replied.

"Did you?"

"I moped through half the ceremony and my ex-girlfriend showed up in the middle of the reception!"

"It sounds like you ruined the day for yourself," Penelope offered, "but not for anyone else. You need to learn that your emotions are not universal."

"Oh."

"While you were recovering from the conversation with Astoria, what did your friends do?"

"Theo told me to push it aside and try to remember the good parts of the day. Hermione wouldn't leave me alone for more than two minutes at a time. Pansy was ready to punch Astoria if I asked her to."

"They showed concern for you," Penelope said, "but did they ever say they hadn't enjoyed themselves? Did anyone ever tell you the day was ruined?"

"No."

"Because it wasn't."

"But—"

"When you didn't show up for your appointment on Thursday, I had Lila send an owl to your emergency contact. (Which is Theo Nott, but we can explore that in another session.) Theo hadn't seen you and said Blaise was on his honeymoon. He looked for you at Malfoy Manor, and when he didn't find you there he contacted everyone he knew might have seen you. Parkinson, Lovegood, Truman, Granger, so many people ... They all care about you."

"And I frightened them," Draco snapped. "I never meant to make them worry, I just wanted time alone. I wanted to be away from them so I could concentrate on getting better on my own."

Penelope said, "You can't do this by yourself. We have spoken about it time and time again—"

"I distinctly remember you telling me I cannot live my life for other people!"

"Correct. You cannot let the needs of others dictate your entire life, but you can't get well without support."

"Well which is it?!" shouted Draco. "I need their support, but I can't make sacrifices for them? I need them to help me, but cannot inconvenience them. I need them in my life, but I can't need them. Please, explain how the bloody hell any of this makes sense!"

"Are you finished shouting at me?" Penelope asked, sounding more like Draco's mother than his therapist.

He nodded.

"You are correct that you cannot live your life exclusively for other people. When I asked what you saw in the future, you mentioned Blaise's wedding and helping to raise your godchildren. You had no goals for yourself outside of making people see you as something more than Lucius Malfoy's son. You are always thinking about the rest of the world, and even after weeks of trying to pry it out of you the only goal you could muster for yourself was falling in love. Which, not to beat a dead Hippogriff, requires another person."

"I see your point."

"You also need support to get through this. Life will always leave you behind if you let it, and right now someone needs to keep pushing you forward. You can't do it yourself, Draco, and I think you understand that now."

"So ..."

"So you ask your friends for help."

"It seems selfish."

"Is it?" asked Penelope. "Are you being selfish asking them for help, or by staying away? Isn't it worse to make them worry for weeks on end? Is it not more selfish to hide away and cut them out of your recovery? They are your friends, your family, and they are the only thing standing between you and relapse."

"I don't believe that."

"Half an hour ago you told me that, 'Being alone made everything louder.' You hear Astoria Greengrass's voice in your head, yes?"

"Frequently."

"The more you isolate yourself, the louder her words will get. All the nasty things she said to you, those things you believe about yourself to be true, will get louder and stronger unless you have someone to drown her out. Lots of people, a whole chorus of them to tell you how loved you are. Because you are not unlovable, Draco, and you are not half a man. You have a strength that people aspire to."

Draco shrugged and said, "I know you think that, but I don't believe you. I can't believe anyone would ever look at me and say, 'That is the sort of man I want to be.'"

"After three months of missed appointments, I know you don't believe me. There is a difference between the man you are and the circumstances you've landed in. No one wants to be Anorexic, Draco, but they all want to believe they are strong enough to pull themselves out. Of course, no one can pull their own weight through this, they need help. Since you came back to me, since you came back at all, I know you have the strength to ask."

Draco laced his fingers together and sighed. He hadn't thought of that before, separating himself from his circumstances. Perhaps Penelope was right and there was no shame in expecting help from his friends.

"What if they hate me?"

"By definition, friends don't hate each other. But I think you will be surprised at how much anger will be overpowered by the simple act of you showing up."

"Okay."

"That's your goal for the week."

Draco frowned.

"I don't understand. What is my goal for this week?"

"Show up next week." Penelope smiled softly and said, "We start small, and the only thing you need to do right now is show up."

.oOo.

Draco walked into his office the following morning and admitted he missed it. He sat in his chair and opened the lower-left drawer to pull out the photo album. He flipped through it and smiled at photos he'd forgotten about.

There was a photo of him, Theo, and Blaise on Pansy's fifth birthday. They were covered in icing and cake crumbs, smiling at each other like there was nothing in the world to worry about. The photo of him and Pansy with their trunks outside the Hogwarts Express warmed his heart a bit. He stashed the album away and spent the rest of the morning then quite a bit of the afternoon trying to catch up on everything he missed.

His mother knocked on the door sometime after five.

"May I come in?"

Draco shrugged and grumbled, "Sure."

"May I bring a guest?"

Draco looked up and watched Theo run into the room. He stopped on the other side of Draco's desk and smiled.

"You're really back!"

"I am."

"This is ..."

"I know."

Theo opened his mouth to say something, but ended up tossing his hands in the air when he came up empty. Draco felt exactly the same. He stood up and walked around the desk to hug Theo as tightly as he could.

"Penelope said you were frantic. I never meant for you to worry."

"Lately I'm always worried about you, mate." Theo's voice was thick with unshed tears. "Not gonna lie and pretend I don't hate you for leaving me in the dark. But I know this is my fault because I pushed you too hard at the party. Shoulda given you space to process things but I really thought you needed to be present for it all. Remember it all."

"It's not all on you," Draco insisted. "I should have known better than to go to the reception. Food, Weasley, and all those emotions were an explosion waiting to happen."

"Did you think about ending it all?" Theo asked. "You don't have to tell me, but I want to know how worried I should be and what I need to watch out for."

"Never," Draco revealed. "I'd never leave without every intent to come back."

"That's good."

"I can't tell you what to look for, though, because I don't know. By the time I realize something is wrong, I am already drowning."

Theo pulled away and said, "Then I'll have to do better."

"Who did you get to watch the twins while I was gone?"

"Um," Theo shuffled his feet and crossed his arms, as though he didn't want to answer the question. "Hermione volunteered the first week and she sort of kept coming back."

"As if Sebastien needed another reason to love her more." Draco tried for a laugh but it fell flat. "I'd like to see them."

"How about right now?" Theo asked. "They've missed you. But, I dunno, maybe fix your hair a bit."

"I know," Narcissa chimed in from the doorway. "I told him he will not be able to braid with those layers. He looks like one of those people who live on the Knight Bus."

"Thank you, mother," Draco said with a groan. "I will visit Gabriel tomorrow and fix it up."

"Come to the house in a half hour?" Theo asked. "Please."

"Of course."

.oOo.

"SURPRISE!"

Draco was accosted the moment he stepped into Theo's living room. His friends congregated around a table with a fruit arrangement that spelled out "Welcome Home!" They were all there for him, smiling, welcoming him back.

Pushing back tears, Draco asked, "What is all this?"

Dean said, "We just want to remind you that you're not alone."

"You don't need to run away from us," Pansy added. "We're here for you. Also for the cake Blaise has stashed in the back."

Draco laughed and asked, "Who wants hugs first?"

They came out for him like Penelope said they would. Tracey went first, then she gave way to Pansy, then Romilda and Gabriel.

"Malfoy, I am free tomorrow afternoon. You and me have a date with some scissors."

Scarlett and Sebastien refused to let Draco go, hugging him for a solid minute. He held it in as long as he could, but he had missed them so goddamn much. He hadn't allowed himself to think about them in Paris because if he had he would've run straight home. Seeing them again brought it all back, the pain and guilt over leaving them.

Eventually he got to Blaise, who refused contact.

"I am glad you are back."

Draco replied, "Me too. I visited Penelope yesterday and she put everything right again."

"Everything?" Blaise asked. "You sure about that?"

"You are right," Draco said, chastened. "I fucked up and should have let you know it was too much for me. I could have come to you but I was ashamed and hurt and a million other things that do not matter now. I am sorry."

"I am very angry at you," Blaise said, his voice rising in frustration, "but I will get over it because you are my best friend and will always be my best friend. Take a look around, Draco. All your closest friends are here except one."

Draco looked for the face he didn't want to admit was missing. When he couldn't find her, he just stared at the floor. He hadn't expected her forgiveness but it still stung.

"She stood up for you. When we all thought you had gone off to kill yourself she never believed it. She had no reason to have faith in you, but she did. All those Thursdays and Saturdays she spent getting to know you, becoming your friend against the better judgement of everyone around her. And how did you repay her? You fucking left, Draco! You left!"

The entire party had stopped to watch this conversation play out.

"I have spent the first months of my married life worried about you! Theo took weeks off just to coordinate a search because your parents refused to tell us where you were! Some bollocks about you 'living your own life' as if your actions do not affect us all. Pansy guilted herself into thinking if she had not been so hard on you about Astoria, perhaps you would have come to her instead of leaving outright."

"Blaise," Pansy warned, "perhaps this is a conversation for a different time."

"No," Blaise insisted, "I think now is a great time. He needs to understand that he left us all like we were nothing to him! How can any of us trust you not to do this again six months or even a year from now?"

Draco dug his fingernails into his palm. Blaise had the right to be angry and he should not say anything he could never take back. He took a deep breath and gathered his words.

"You are right. I left, and I did it because I felt like I was dragging you down with me. However, I will point out that the only one of you with the gall to ask what was wrong with me was Astoria! Next time you wonder why I was fucked-up enough to leave all this behind, remember that while I left you for three months you let me suffer for ten years. I forgave you for that, so perhaps you could show me the same kindness."

Blaise's expression softened as he said, "Draco, I know—"

"I am going to get some air."

Draco ran to the front door, opened it, and slammed it shut behind him. He closed his eyes and choked back a sob. Merlin's arse, he was so tired of tears.

"Oh."

Draco jumped at the voice and looked down to see Hermione at the bottom of the stairs. He wiped his face and tried to smile.

"Didn't realize you were here."

"I wasn't sure I would come in," she admitted.

Neither of them said anything for several long, awkward seconds. Then Hermione took the first step, and the second, and the third. Draco didn't know what to do while she was standing in front of him. He was so confused, all he wanted to do was cry. This was exactly what he was trying to tell Penelope, it was too much.

Then Hermione hugged him. Draco wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her close. He tried to say so many things. I am sorry I left you. Thank you for being here when I couldn't be. That's why I let you into my life so quickly; I trusted you. But none of that seemed appropriate, so he just held her tight until she stepped away.

"Hi."

"Hi."

Hermione put one hand on his cheek and said, "I missed you so much, but I don't like the beard."

"No one does. I thought it helped me look less like Draco Malfoy."

"Why would you want that?" Hermione asked.

She pulled her hand away and Draco took a moment to really look at her. Hermione had worn a beautiful purple dress and heels that made her tall enough to meet the bottom of Draco's chin. It struck him as odd, since it looked more like a date dress than a welcome-home-you-big-prat outfit.

"Sorry, what was the question?"

"Never mind." She licked her lips and said, "I missed you."

"So you said."

"Well ... What else is there to say?"

"Thank you."

"What the hell am I thanking you for?" Hermione asked. "You left, which I did not ask you to do."

"No, I was thanking you for watching the twins while I was away. Theo mentioned it earlier and I know Sebastien must have loved having you around. Also thanking you for not believing I had run off just to ... Well, you know."

"Yes," Hermione said. "Your friends were so caught up in their worry they weren't thinking logically. If you were going to kill yourself in Paris you would have jumped off the Eiffel Tower or hanged yourself from a painting in the Louvre. You are a melodramatic git and silence has never been your style."

Draco wasn't sure what to say. It was an accurate assessment, but not a flattering one.

"I probably shouldn't have said that," she realized aloud. "I am so angry at you that I'm saying the wrong things."

"Blaise yelled at me on your behalf, but if you would like to give it another go I am well-practiced."

"What made you leave?"

"The wedding."

"What about it?"

"All of it. Watching Blaise get the one thing I want and will never have. I keep telling people that and no one understands. I always knew I was unlovable, but never quite felt it until I saw it happening right in front of me. As pathetic and hopeless as it is, I only ever wanted a family. To do what my father never could; raise a son to be proud of."

"You must be so broken," Hermione realized, "to hate yourself this much. To think your father shouldn't be proud of you."

"Why would he be?"

"Look at the way you are with Scarlett and Sebastien. Those kids love you like a parent, and you love them as your own. Despite your father's best efforts, you treat those children with the compassion of someone who knows the hell of a life without it."

"I do love them," Draco insisted, "but it is not the same. Everyone sees my father when they look at me, but I want to be better. I want to fall in love and raise my own child so I can prove to the world that I can be what he never was: a good father."

"I think you want to prove it to yourself," Hermione guessed. "Prove that he didn't ruin you."

"Perhaps you are right."

She quipped, "Wouldn't be the first time."

"Oh, that's how it is, Granger?"

"Always how it is with you, Malfoy."

There was a brief pause before Draco asked, "Has your unnamed suitor finally come to his senses and asked you out?"

Hermione's face fell.

"He still wasn't ready and I decided to wait."

Draco wondered, "What is he waiting for?"

"God only knows."

"Seriously, Hermione, you are the most powerful wizard on the continent. If he cannot see the amazing, understanding, frustratingly logical person that you are then he does not deserve you."

"He sees it and doesn't believe he deserves me."

Wait.

Before Draco could give it much thought, Hermione shoved a rectangular box into his chest. The green wrapping paper was patterned with silver broomsticks, and a card was taped beneath the bow.

"It was your birthday present but you weren't here."

Draco insisted, "You didn't need to get me anything."

"It's what friends do," replied Hermione. "Birthday presents and homecoming parties."

"Should I open it?"

"No, don't open it in front of me. I can't watch you read the card; it's sappy."

"Then we can go back inside."

"I think you should leave." Hermione took Draco's hand and said, "I knew the reception would push you to your limit. I didn't stop you from speaking to Astoria even though I knew it would end horribly. I'll tell everyone I made you leave so they won't blame you."

"As if it will matter. By now they are accustomed to me disappearing."

Hermione glared at him and said, "Draco Malfoy, if you ever disappear again I swear on Merlin's grave that I will stuff my wand so far up your arse they will need a map to get it out."

Draco scrunched his nose in disgust.

"That is a very vivid, painful picture."

"It hurt," she replied. "You leaving like that? It hurt me. Please don't do it again."

Draco pulled her in for another hug and pressed a feather-light kiss to her cheek.

"I won't disappear again. I promise."

"Good."

Hermione turned toward the door and Draco said, "I missed you, too, you know."

"Good."

.oOo.

When he got home, Draco tore into his present. He smiled when he realized it was a framed photograph. It was a candid shot of him, Hermione, and the twins in Diagon Alley. Sebastien held Hermione's hand while Scarlett rested against Draco's hip. Hermione was laughing at a joke Draco couldn't remember, and it was the happiest Draco could remember being in a long while.

Draco,

I don't know when you'll be back, but I miss you every Thursday. Then I miss you every Saturday. For some reason, I think about you on the other days of the week, too. A photographer sent me a copy of this picture and I thought you should have it.

Your Friend,

Hermione

He placed the photograph on his desk and frowned.

"My friend."

A/N: I hope y'all stay happy and healthy! ❤️