Stay
Chapter 28
A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.
Here is Chapter 28. Hope you enjoy! Content warning here for a sexual abuse survivor being triggered during sexual contact, a small mention of unwanted arousal, and related topics. I, uh, I cried while writing the end of this chapter, so…good luck.
I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.
Alex stood alone in the bathroom after her shower, having yet to clothe herself. A towel was wrapped loosely around flaxen locks, and water droplets continued to travel down her body. She watched herself in the mirror as she followed a single drop of water as it began a journey down her face, falling off her nose and onto the center of her collarbone. She recalled that the collarbone was a physical attribute she often found herself admiring in other women, and Olivia's was no exception. The way the bone protruded as she spoke passionately on the stand or angrily interrogated a suspect was nothing less than breathtaking. Did the sharp features of the ADA's paler skin have a similar effect on the other woman?
The blonde's fingers met the droplet where it had chosen to pause, pruny pads dancing along her clavicle as she sighed audibly. There was something strangely inviting about watching her own chest heave in the mirror of Olivia's vanity as the water continued its path down the valley of her breasts, being caught in her navel. She felt as if she were invading her own privacy as she studied the face in front of her, halfway feeling like it wasn't even her own. The woman in the mirror felt alien somehow as unmanicured fingernails scratched at an itchy area of her ribcage. The water that had collected in her belly button cooled, and it existed in contrast to the damp, heated skin around it.
She'd never seen herself like this—so exposed and so at ease. Alex felt a fire begin to burn within her as her hands wandered lazily around still dripping skin. She should be cold. But she wasn't.
Olivia would be home from work soon, and though she knew the brunette had had her appointment with Kimani earlier in the day, they hadn't had the chance to talk about how it had gone. Alex appreciated the time alone though, something she couldn't remember ever liking before. She welcomed the chance to spend some quality time with herself, to check in with her body and her mind, something that was still so new to her, and so incredibly novel. Though she hadn't done much work with the packet of solo touch exercises her therapist had handed her two weeks prior, what she had done is imagine what it would be like to begin working on them. And as Cabot's fingers traveled up to meet her right breast, her breathing stalled as she caught sight of the contact in the mirror, the condensation on it causing the picture in front of her to be even more mystical.
Was it really Alex Cabot she was staring at, tenderly showing her body something other than resentment?
The fact that she was standing there, freshly showered and wonderfully steady on her two feet was nothing short of a miracle. Even after atrocious violence, months of inadequate nutrition, almost two decades of insomnia, and twenty-nine years of vicious self-hatred, her body had lived. Her feet gripped strongly onto the tile floor, and as her forefinger drew a circle around a pink areola, her deep crystal blue eyes watched as if they'd seen nothing but the most beautiful of things instead of unimaginable apathy and endless brutality. Her lungs expanded and deflated on cue as she breathed through the discomfort she'd learned to associate with physical touch, and her heart accelerated expertly to make up for the shallow quality of her breathing. Her skin protected her from the cold of the water still flowing through curves and crevices, and her nose easily inhaled the sent of rose shampoo—Olivia's, something she'd been using to self-soothe.
She was amazing, really. Though pain, guilt, shame, and loss had made her who she was, she was so much more than the sum of her parts. She was compassion. Power. Confidence. Human. Alex registered that she was a well-oiled machine, and her body had taken care of her to the best of its ability given the circumstances. Though her muscles ached and her joints cracked, her bones remained strong and her mind remained stronger. Her heart continued to pump blood through her veins, and she was capable of functioning.
And more, she was capable of feeling. Surviving was step one, and the vessel that held Alex Cabot's soul had done that instinctively. Her body had taken so much, and still it lived. Alex placed her right hand over her heart and the thumping she felt took her breath away. This was more than surviving. This was living.
New year. New life.
She heard the front door open and footsteps move towards the bedroom, but the attorney's body remained relaxed as she closed her eyes and focused on her breath. Her fingers once again found her collarbone and she sighed, noting the way in which the warmth she'd created with her own touch enveloped her now. This feeling was similar to the one she'd felt after her first shirtless touch exercise with Olivia. It was arousal, sure, but there was more control to it this time. She'd made the decision to let herself feel good in the moment.
She opened her eyes at a knock on the bathroom door.
"Sweetheart? You're quiet in there, love. Everything okay?"
After she'd been found naked, freezing, and panicking in the shower in mid-December, Olivia had taken to checking in on her girlfriend if it wasn't immediately clear that she was perfectly fine in the bathroom. Liv knew it was a little silly, and she hated that she felt the need to be so careful all the time, but she knew how long Alex had been fighting her demons alone, and she never wanted that to be the case again.
"I'm good, baby," the younger woman called back softly, her hand resting over her heart as it slowed. Connecting to herself was something she felt she'd never get used to, as she'd spent her entire life trying to exist as far away from what her body was experiencing at all times. She wrapped herself in a new towel and freed her unruly mane, preparing to brush through the knots the shower had caused. "You can come in," she invited with a soft smile.
She missed Olivia. She always missed Olivia. And as comfortable as she'd worked up to being alone, in her own head, with her hand over her own heart, she never felt as secure as she did when the woman she loved was within arm's reach. Alex could lock up her drill sergeant, but only Liv could revoke his bail and throw away the key.
The brunette considered her options for a moment, thinking back on what Kimani had told her earlier in the day. Ask for your own consent, the woman had advised, and suddenly, it didn't seem so weird. She didn't know what she would find once she opened the door to the bathroom, but was she okay with the uncertainty? If Alex was unclothed and Olivia was attracted to her in her naked state, would that make the cop feel bad, guilty, dirty?
Cabot was more than capable of communicating her needs, and the SVU detective had seen with her own eyes that she was feeling safe more often than not these days, so wouldn't the healthiest and safest thing to do be to take the woman she loved at her word?
Yes.
She slowly slid open the door, knowing she'd made the right choice when she was met with the most genuine of smiles. "Hi, honey," Alex murmured, wrapping her arms around the older woman and burying her nose into Olivia's neck. The brunette couldn't resist the urge to respond in kind, encircling the lawyer's waist and squeezing her tightly as she pressed a lingering kiss to a bare shoulder. She was still damp, Liv noticed, and she was so warm and so soft. It occurred to her how easily she could lower the hand that was resting against the small of the prosecutor's back, and then she could just—
Alex felt her body stiffen and jump just slightly, so she stepped back. "Hey, something just happened," she observed, cradling her girlfriend's face. "Can you talk to me?" She ran her fingers through Olivia's short hair, humming softly when she bit her lip. Alex clearly saw the darkening of Olivia's irises, and she knew just a month or two ago, the sight would have sent her flying into earthshattering panic. But all she felt in this moment was love—and concern for the beautiful woman in front of her who was expressing adoration, and yes, lust.
"I know I don't make you uncomfortable," Benson eventually announced, deciding to work through the discomfort and letting her hand wrap around the nape of Alex's neck, longing to touch her bare skin.
"I'm glad you know," Alex drawled, stepping forward to be fully in Olivia's arms once again. "When you walked in just now, all I felt was happiness." Liv silently stared into the other woman's eyes. "I think I know what's going on and what talking with Kimani brought up. I don't want to speak for you though, so do you want to share why you look so anxious right now?"
Alex had mastered the gentle but prodding Detective Benson voice, and what she loved so much about her accomplishment is that this was her own version of it. She was no longer imitating the woman she cared for so deeply, she was simply offering her girlfriend genuine and unconditional compassion, something that now came naturally to her. She swiped her thumbs over blushed cheeks as Liv nodded after a moment. "I…" she began.
"Go on, sweetheart. You're okay."
"When we first started dating, I felt safe because it was the beginning of our relationship and we were still getting to know each other," Olivia said slowly, her hand hovering over the wrist that floated between them as Alex continued to comfort her, and then, as she continued talking, the brunette grabbed onto the anchor, using Alex's right wrist for support. "And you being hesitant to move forward physically, especially after you first disclosed, added an extra layer of safety for me because I knew there was no way that sex was going to happen. But now," she sighed shakily, her thumb smoothing over the palm of Cabot's hand, "as we're getting closer, that safety blanket is eroding and I'm starting to…I feel…"
"I turn you on?" Alex guessed with a gentle smile. Olivia nodded, a combination of relief and shame flooding her body. "That's not a bad thing, sweetheart," the prosecutor assured her.
"I know that, baby." Alex dropped her hand from Liv's cheek and intertwined their fingers, not wanting to overwhelm her with such intimate contact. "You've been so good with telling me you feel safe, and I do know I'm not a danger to you, but…"
"You have moments, like me."
"Yeah."
"And you just had one, huh?"
Olivia nodded again, and she reached out for a hairbrush. "Can I…before your hair dries?"
Alex smiled and bobbed her head up and down. "Sure." She gestured for her girlfriend to begin running the bristles of the brush through her tangled hair. "And when you're done, there's a touch exercise I want to do together, if you're up for it."
"Oh, something specific you have in mind?" Liv questioned.
"Yeah, I think it will help you." She sighed at the combination of Olivia's tender fingers moving through her hair along with the brush and the feel of her breath against her neck as she spoke. "You trust me?"
"Of course." Alex felt light pressure against the nape of her neck, smiling to herself at the realization that the other woman felt safe enough again to kiss her. When her hair was detangled, the younger woman led her girlfriend by the hand into the bedroom and sat them both down.
"I'm going to drop this towel, just to my waist, okay?" She paused and waited for Olivia to nod, which she did, her eyes widening. She had spent months encouraging Alex to allow herself to feel arousal, to feel connection, to feel want. It was only fair that she afforded herself the same, and at the end of the day, Benson knew she was in full control of her actions. The brunette let her eyes drink in the sight in front of her—strong but delicate shoulders, which were heaving under her gaze. A prominent collarbone offering contrast to her otherwise soft skin. A pair of gorgeous breasts, perfect handfuls with the pinkest of nipples. A barely visible ribcage, which her attention was taken away from when Alex claimed her hand in hers, bringing excruciatingly careful fingertips to her collarbone. The blonde swallowed hard, her eyes finally meeting her girlfriend's. "Can I put your hand over my heart?" she breathed in question.
Olivia had expected this to be the other woman's next move, and she didn't fight the grin that involuntarily formed on her face as the lawyer moved their joined hands to rest over the left side of Alex's chest. "Feel my heartbeat," she encouraged tenderly, remembering what the experience had done for her before Liv had arrived at the apartment. "Feel how your touch makes my heart beat faster. But also feel that my body is relaxed." She purposefully chose the word in order to showcase just how calm she was. "It's not going to be perfect. I know we still have work to do. And I can't promise something won't happen that'll scare me. But I'll never be able to promise that. What I can promise is that this—you—are my anchor. And I want you just as much as you want me. There is safety in that, sweetie."
Olivia hummed, carefully letting her thumb stroke the flesh below her hand. Soft. Warm. Alex. She smiled.
"Can we try tomorrow?" The next day was Friday, and both women would be home relatively early after work. "We can start out kissing and see what feels natural." the attorney suggested with a light shrug.
Olivia gave a hopeful smile. "I think I'm ready," she decided, her trigger in the bathroom having been the catalyst for comprehensive assurance that her girlfriend felt safe with her, and when the woman really examined herself, she knew she wasn't her father. There was no part of her that would ever desire to take advantage of Alex. It was, in fact, the blonde's attraction to the cop that was spurring her on. Their love was mutual, and so was their want. Liv knew her fight wasn't over, but she was winning the race against her own version of a drill sergeant. "What about you?"
"I think we'll be okay," Alex offered, running her thumb over the back of Liv's hand. "As long as we keep checking in and remember if either of us gets uncomfortable, we can stop."
"The key for sex between us—or just trying to see how far we can go—is going to be communication. I know that's pretty self-evident for us, but even if it feels awkward, talking with each other is going to be what keeps it safe for both of us."
"Do you feel good about this?" Cabot asked quietly, her hand still lying over Olivia's as they continued to breathe in sync.
"I do. I think we're prepared, but I'm going to quote myself by saying that there's only so much we can plan for," she added with a shy smile. "I know lots of your triggers. You know mine. We'll figure the rest out as we go. I love you, you know."
"Oh, my baby," Alex sighed, leaning her forehead against her girlfriend's shoulder. "I love you too, so much."
And the next evening, when Alex's heavy-lidded eyes and soulful gaze bore into Liv's mix of want and adoration, Olivia agonized over the blonde's impossibly soft whisper of "Please."
God, how she wanted to. "Are you sure?" Her fingers hovered tantalizingly over Alex's cheek, millimeters away from making contact.
The blonde placed her fingers over her girlfriend's palm and guided her into meeting the flushed skin of her face. "Please. I mean, if you want to. I want to make love to you."
Liv was slightly anxious about the notion, but she knew Alex had to be as well, and at this point she was relatively comfortable with working through the nervousness—together. "Okay. But it can't be like last time."
"It won't be," Alex insisted as they stood together in the bedroom, wanting to directly address something she knew concerned her girlfriend. "I'm not the same person I was when we first started dating, sweetie."
Olivia so appreciated the point her love was trying to make, but there was something she wanted to make clear. Alex had always been Alex. But now, she was becoming a more fully realized version of herself. "Yes, you are. You're just healing."
Healing was such a subjective experience. Alex was still new at following processes going on inside of herself. She was used to objective processes—facts, clear, outward evidence. With healing, she needed to pay attention to how she was feeling now and how it compared to how she had previously felt. "I want this. But only if you do. It needs to be a green light for both of us."
The difference was astonishing.
Benson opened her mouth to ask again if Alex was sure, but she stopped herself, studying the quickness of her breath and dilation of her pupils in combination with the lack of tension in her body and soft smile on her face. "I'm okay, Liv," she whispered, as if she could read her lover's mind. "Come here." She pulled the older woman into her arms, cradling the base of her skull and pressing a series of kisses into her neck.
Olivia pulled back after a few moments to kiss the woman she loved, humming deeply as her fingers tangled into the lawyer's hair. Alex smiled into the kiss, happy to see the older of the two let go at least slightly, and their tongues tangled together dancing in unison with a zeal Alex had never experienced before. When the blonde pulled back, she grabbed her girlfriend by the hand and led her to the bed, the prosecutor sitting down and guiding Liv to stand between her legs as she held desperately onto her face. "I want to pull you down on top of me," she explained quickly, "but I don't want you to be nervous if I do. So…would you rather I didn't?" She chuckled lightly when the woman just looked at her, and though the moment was awkward, the laugh was genuine, and Liv found herself smiling in response. "What? What did I say?"
"You're just cute," Benson replied, leaning over Alex and pecking her nose.
The blonde felt her girlfriend shiver when she wrapped her foot around Olivia's ankle and started trailing it up her calf, stopping at the area behind her knee. She wasn't the most flexible person. "So, what do I need to do to turn 'cute' into 'sexy'?"
Liv took a chance and used her legs to straddle the attorney, catching her in her arms and rolling them so that they were lying next to each other. "Oh, my sweet, you are so far past sexy, you can't even see it anymore." The cop brushed some hair behind her ear, leaving her hand to cradle her face. "Tell me how you want to do this."
She'd already decided what she wanted to do, but she thought about it for a few seconds anyway, ensuring she was aware of how she felt in the moment. "I want to touch you first, and afterwards, depending on how I feel…"
"We'll take it second by second, love. There's no pressure."
"Okay." She nodded, comforted by the honesty in her girlfriend's voice. "What's most important to me though is that we enjoy being together. So taking it second by second makes sense."
Olivia moved closer to the other woman, wrapping her arm around the blonde's waist and letting her nose brush against Alex's. "Mm. Sounds good to me," she whispered, the tension building between them for several long seconds until Cabot crashed her lips against Liv's, her left leg immediately wedging itself in between both of her girlfriend's, her desire to be close to the brunette overwhelming her entirely. She felt the urge to rush, to thrust her hand into the woman's underwear and watch her writhe in ecstasy within seconds, but she reminded herself that this was not what she truly wanted. What she truly wanted was to completely abandon her old practices, her old rules, and just do what felt natural.
Breathe. Feel. Connect.
It didn't get more natural than that.
She felt Liv's hand travel under her shirt and wander her bare back, and it made her smile to know that the other woman was trusting herself to let go to some extent. "You can take it off," she said against the cop's lips.
"Might need some help," the older woman laughed.
Both of them sat up, removing their shirts, leaving their chests entirely exposed as neither woman had been wearing a bra in the apartment. This time, instead of feasting her eyes on the sight before her, Olivia wanted nothing more than to feel the love of her life's body against her own, and so she pulled her in for a hug. She felt, rather than heard, her girlfriend's lungs seize at the contact. It wasn't unlike her own reaction, as her breath caught in her throat and a low moan ripped through her. In response, Alex squeezed her tighter, their bodies contouring to one another as their legs intertwined.
Alex rested her forehead against Liv's. "Kiss me."
And so she did, with every ounce of passion, emotion, tenderness, and love she had inside her. Her hands travelled to her bare sides as their tongues once again moved against one another languidly, her fingernails scratching delicate lines over the softest of skin before Alex attached her lips to the brunette's pulse point and decided that sucking was an efficient way of making her squirm. "I love you," she panted after a minute or so.
"I love you so much," Olivia gasped out, throwing her head back to give her girlfriend more real estate with which to bring her pleasure.
Cabot tossed her leg around Liv's hips so that she was completely on top of her, and she gently urged her to lie back fully on the bed. Her fingertips danced up her ribcage and settled centimeters below the tempting globes atop her chest, the olive skin beckoning her forward. She bit her lip, watching Olivia's face. "This okay?" Liv just hummed. "How…" She cleared her throat. "How…how do you like it?" Her face blushed furiously as Olivia grabbed ahold of her now shaking hand.
"Can I?" she asked, referring to helping her girlfriend touch her in the way she liked.
Alex nodded with a small smile, grateful for the guidance. "Sorry, foreplay hasn't really been—"
Benson interrupted her. "Shhh. Stay here with me, baby. You have nothing to apologize for." The brunette kept her eyes locked with the younger woman's as she laid their joined hands entirely over her left breast. "I like massage, so if you take your hand and just gently—yeah, like that," she cut herself off as Alex boldly attempted what she thought her girlfriend was describing. "That's perfect," she purred, her head falling back against the pillow.
Alex prided herself in being a quick study, but she barely had any time at all to bask in her newfound sexual prowess because she was immediately taken by the softness of the skin below her. One of the things she'd always loved about women was the natural softness to their skin, but she had never allowed herself to really feel it before now. It was just a little kissing, a little fucking, and then moving on. What her and Olivia were doing was so beyond that, and her heart swelled with emotion as she slowly leaned over her neglected right breast, raising her eyebrow to ask for permission to wrap her lips around the russet bud below her. Immediately, Liv gasped, her fingers tangling into now unruly hair as she surrendered to the ministrations of the woman she loved.
Soon, her lips travelled to the cop's navel, her tongue joining in to give adequate attention to the body part, and by this point, Olivia was unable to remain still on the bed. She couldn't recall the last time she'd felt such desire for someone. She needed to be touched, but she kept that need to herself, wanting to follow Alex's lead. The blonde knew her girlfriend well, however, and she was getting the message loud and clear.
"Can I pull off your sweats and underwear?"
"Please," she managed to breathe out through a whine.
Alex tapped her hips to cue her to lift them, and the attorney quickly ridded her of the last barrier between herself and the warm, wet velvet of the woman she loved.
The brunette instinctively spread her legs, reaching blindly for Alex, wanting to hold onto her, so the younger woman slid back up her body and laid next to her, interlacing their fingers together. "Do you…" she stuttered nervously, "…like…like last time, or…?"
Liv struggled to put together a coherent sentence, but it was important to her that she did, that she was fully present with the woman she loved and fully in control of her actions. "Slow circles," she reminded breathlessly, gripping onto the ADA's hand. "But," she said, feeling Alex pause the decent of her hand, "if you don't want to…."
"Open your eyes," Alex implored softly. "Look at me. I want this. Do you want this?" she asked explicitly, earning a vigorous nod.
To Benson, it took forever, but the lawyer wanted to take her time trailing her fingers down Olivia's abdomen, feeling the muscles flex as her eyes landed on glistening folds. She'd looked at her girlfriend that first time, but now, in this moment of indescribable intimacy, Alex was finally seeing her. Liv wanted her, and not because she existed as a vessel for the brunette's pleasure, but because she loved her as a human being, loved her flaws and imperfections, loved her laugh and her nerdiness.
Alex couldn't even comprehend how unbelievably erotic this knowledge made the moment her fingers connected with warmth, sliding easily back and forth over beckoning flesh. Olivia gripped her hand, crying out at the relief of being touched after so long, and being touched in this way by the woman she loved was like nothing she'd ever experienced.
After a few moments of experimental touches, the prosecutor carefully brought her pointer and middle fingers to Liv's clit, pressing a kiss to her pulse point and murmuring words of affection into her ear.
Cabot never knew this could be so easy.
She knew communication and feedback would be essential here, and she didn't want Olivia to pretend to be enjoying this, so she absolutely planned on asking her how her touch felt—that wasn't necessarily the easy part—but what made it easy was the connection between the women. The intimacy felt right; the vulnerability just made sense. As her fingers traced circles and her lips peppered kisses against her face, Alex reminded herself to commit the moment to memory. She was making love to Olivia. And she was absolutely, entirely comfortable.
Safe.
"Does this feel good?" she whispered into a red ear when the detective's reactions died down slightly.
She hummed. "Mm, baby. Just a little," she gasped, "just a little harder."
"Got it." She knew she'd rectified the situation when her girlfriend's hand gripped hers and the brunette's other set of fingers wrapped tightly around her forearm, holding her hand in place.
"This okay?" she croaked, not wanting to trap the woman into any position.
"You're good," Alex promised. "Do what feels right, baby," she encouraged, once again leaning over Benson's chest and gently taking a nipple into her mouth, sucking in time with her tender circles.
Alex completely lost herself in the arching of Olivia's back, in the watering of her eyes, the rippling of her muscles, the beauty of her sounds of approval, in the way her moans increased in frequency and pitch as the wetness between her legs pooled. And when her entire body went rigid and her lips parted in a silent scream, the blonde buried her face into her girlfriend's sweaty neck and repeated the phrase "I love you" over and over again, like a mantra.
The moment was intoxicating. She'd enjoyed watching Olivia climax that first time, but this wasn't like that. Alex felt no guilt, no shame, no underlying emptiness.
This is how their first time should have been.
But she sent the thought flying out of her mind almost as quickly as it had arrived because what the woman wanted to focus on was Olivia, on her breath, on her smile, on her.
"Al," she panted after around a minute, gripping onto her with both hands.
"I'm here, honey."
"Are you—"
"I'm fine, love. I'm amazing." She lied fully down next to the woman, keeping her right hand nestled against dripping flesh and wrapping her left arm around Olivia's waist, pressing a kiss to her collarbone. She'd spent years wanting to kiss that collarbone, and now it was there, waiting underneath her lips. One more kiss. "I love you."
She felt Benson stretch her limbs. "I love you," she murmured, her eyes finally opening as her right hand travelled down the plane of her abdomen to rest over Alex's, the heat radiating from her core warming them both.
"How do you feel?" the ADA asked softly, turning her hand around and interlocking their fingers.
"Mm, I'm incredible. Wow, Al. You—" She just shook her head in astonishment.
"I take it it was good?"
Liv nodded. "Amazing. You're amazing."
They cuddled together in comfortable silence for some time, and then Alex lifted her head up, searching for chocolate orbs. "Liv? Can we keep going? I want to try. It's been months. Therapy has been going well." The vague throbbing between her legs was something she could ignore as she'd pleasured the woman she loved, but now that the distraction was resting comfortably in her arms, she craved the antidote to the pressure at her core that came and went day in and day out.
Maybe it was possible. Maybe she could do this.
Olivia rested her hand against the small of the younger woman's back, letting her knuckles brush long lines up and down her spine. "If you want to—"
"—I do," Alex interrupted, making Liv laugh lightly.
"I figured as much," Benson mused, kissing the hand that lied against her collarbone. "If you want to do this, I'm more than happy to. But we're going to have to talk a lot. For my safety as well as yours."
"I know, honey," the attorney acknowledged. "We'll take it slow." She cradled the other woman's face in her hand, reconnecting their lips and humming into the embrace.
"Everything I do will be gentle," the brunette decided to add. "Nothing I ever do should hurt, and if it does, I want you to tell me."
Alex swallowed, letting her pointer finger draw patterns on the older woman's chest. "I will, I promise."
Olivia sighed. She'd been dreaming about the opportunity to touch her girlfriend for months, but she didn't allow herself to get her hopes up. If they were going to do this second by second, then she was going to anticipate things second by second. "How do you feel about me lying on top of you?"
Alex pondered the idea, biting her lip. "That's okay. For now," she added.
"Okay, my love." Liv nodded, rolling them over so she was just halfway on top of her girlfriend, pressing her lips to Alex's cheek and then her pulse point, moving down towards her collarbone when the blonde gripped on to her wispy hair and threw her head back against the pillow. "You don't have to be quiet," she murmured into her ear, kissing the shell, having had predicted this course of events.
"I…I'm not sure…." She worried her lower lip again, studying Olivia as she pecked her chin.
"If you're not naturally loud, you don't have to start screaming," she assured her with a small chuckle, "but I want you to react in the way that feels right. Does that make sense?"
Alex nodded, blushing. She reached for the cop's hand and lied it over her heart like she had the night before. "It's going to take time for me to feel completely comfortable with…everything," she disclaimed, "but my heart…right now, in this moment…it beats for you."
The older woman smiled, leaning down to press a lingering but chaste kiss to the prosecutor's lips as her hand migrated from her chest to her side, scratching lightly, giving Alex a few moments to breathe and release some tension from her body. Eventually, she pulled away so that the blonde could see what she was doing with her hand, letting her fingers dance onto her ribcage, a quiet squeak escaping Alex's throat. She giggled quickly at herself, resisting a twinge of embarrassment, as Liv spoke to her, her eyes clearly on the rapid rise and fall of her chest and the breasts adorning it, nipples sensitive and on alert. "Can I…?" For some reason, she wasn't quite sure how to finish the inquiry, the beauty of the creature below her rendering her speechless.
Cabot just nodded. "Please. I trust you." Liv's touch had been so soft, so tender, and she'd never felt anything like it. She needed the contact. Though she seemed collected, her body was screaming, begging for more.
Olivia kept her hand around the other woman's ribcage, but slid it up slightly so she could use the pad of her thumb to carefully stroke the underside of her right breast, the flesh dipping along with the pressure of her thumb. Liv had never felt anything softer in her life. It was almost unfathomable. She let her thumb smooth over the pillowy skin once more to convince herself she wasn't dreaming.
Though she'd been more than sated, she felt a dull ache in her center, which she promptly ignored to focus on the woman she loved, who lied below her—so vulnerable, so trusting, so awe-inspiring.
Alex caught her girlfriend's chin with her knuckle, making their eyes meet. "Kiss me," she requested softly, the downcast movement of her eyes making it clear she wasn't talking about her lips.
The detective peppered wide circles of kisses into the skin of each breast, stopping just before the darkening of more sensitive skin. She could have sworn she heard a whimper coming from the younger woman, along with a distinctive tug of her hair. "Liv," she panted.
"I've got you, sweetheart," she promised, starting by pecking the tip of the rosy bud, opening her mouth slightly to envelop the peak just barely in warmth when she received a positive response.
Alex squirmed on the bed below her, fighting the urge to shove her lover's mouth against her body. Olivia was moving slowly for a reason. She had to trust her. The gentleness she was being shown was beyond comprehension. The tenderness of her fingers as they moved over her skin, the way she gingerly held her close, the discernment she used when lightly suckling on sensitive peaks, smiling against her flesh at each involuntary sigh that escaped the ADA's lips. It was all so careful, so loving. So Olivia.
Olivia was making her feel good. And she, herself, was enjoying it too. The pressure between her legs was becoming unbearable now, and she wasn't sure how to proceed. Liv would know, wouldn't she?
As the cop released a nipple with a pop and a gentle smile, Alex ran her fingers through brown hair. "Can you...can you touch me over my underwear?"
"You feel ready for that?"
Alex sat up halfway, lifting her hips and pulling down her pajama pants. "I do," she sighed. "Don't," she stammered, "don't move it. Not yet." When Liv continued to look at her curiously, Cabot reached out to squeeze her bare shoulder. "If you're not ready to go this far, that's okay, Liv," she told her softly.
"I'm good if you're good." Alex nodded. "Go ahead and lie back down," she invited with a sweet smile. "Do you want me to lie next to you or sit next to you?"
It seemed like a strange question at first, but the lawyer quickly understood that her girlfriend was giving her power. Making her feel powerful. "Will you…will you hold me?"
"Absolutely." The response was instant, and in what felt like less than a second, Olivia had encircled Alex's waist with her left arm, shifting her onto her side so that she was no longer flat on her back. Her fingernails etched comforting lines into her bare back. "Can you lift up your knee so I have room?"
Benson could see the dark patch of underwear that had grown wet with Alex's arousal, and as the blonde placed her foot flat against the bed, the older woman kissed her forehead. "Let me see your eyes, and tell me when you're ready."
The younger woman's heart was hammering in her chest, and though she felt anticipation, it wasn't entirely pleasant anymore. She reminded herself to breathe through it, to focus on what she knew to be true—she was with Olivia. And Olivia was waiting for her go. Taking a long inhale of Liv's shampoo, she nodded, her eyes boring into chocolate orbs of tenderness and love.
Her touch was soft, careful, and oh, so hesitant. At first, it was just her fingers, and it was just the ghost of them, something Alex wasn't even sure she felt. Watching her breathe, the cop let her palm make contact, watching the woman she loved close her eyes as she pressed a light kiss to her neck.
A moment of perfection.
Then suddenly, without warning, it wasn't Liv's hand against her underwear anymore, and a unceremonious sob ripped through her entire body, her thighs snapping together. "I can't do this. I'm sorry, Liv, I can't do this."
Olivia tried to leap into action, but her hand was trapped between Alex's legs, most likely adding to whatever stimulus had caused this reaction. "Breathe, baby. It's okay. I need you to separate your legs, just a little bit, so I can pull my hand away. I don't want to keep it here and trigger you," she cooed into Alex's ear, trying to put some distance between the rest of their bodies. "It's just my hand, but I can't move it away until you let me." Alex's thighs relaxed a miniscule amount with a soft whimper, tearing Olivia's heart to shreds and the brunette's eyes teared up. Had she done something wrong? "There you go," she murmured, pulling her hand far away from overheated flesh. "You're safe, sweetie. It's just you and me here."
Alex had yet to open her eyes, as she was caught somewhere between the present and somewhere else, the specifics of which she wasn't sure about. "I'm sorry, Liv," she cried. "You must hate me."
"Alex, I need you to open your eyes." She hated having to take command of a situation, but every once in a while, Cabot needed the older woman's soothing, yet authoritative instructions to get through endless moments of fear. "Look at me. Focus on what you know is true," she implored her, a prompt that had been taught to them by Kimani. "Do I seem angry to you?"
Her eyes fluttered open, her chest heaving and her clit still throbbing. Jesus Christ. "No, but—"
"—no, period," she interrupted firmly but gently. "I could never hate you, and I'll never be upset with you about something you can't control."
Beginning to calm some, her vision cleared and the sound of Olivia's voice became more obviously Olivia. She wasn't in the cabin, she wasn't trapped. The brunette wasn't even touching her anymore. She was safe. "I don't know what happened. I was fine. It came out of nowhere. I'm so sorry, Liv, I—"
"Just look at me, sweetheart. Look at my eyes. All you'll see is love. Focus on what you know is true," she repeated, cloudy blues starting to focus on a soft, loving gaze. "You're with me. You're safe. I would never touch you without your consent."
"I know," Alex heard herself saying, still confounded by the events of the previous minute or two. "I'm safe. You love me. I'm safe."
"You're okay," the older woman swore, wiping some sweaty hair out of Alex's face once she knew the blonde was conscious of her surroundings. "We knew it would be hard."
Cabot covered her eyes with her hand, trying to conceal the steady stream of tears that continued against her will. "I just want to be able to have sex with my girlfriend like a normal fucking person!"
Liv simply couldn't imagine the anguish. She carefully pried her girlfriend's fingers off her face, her own breathing beginning to slow as Alex became more lucid. "We'll try again, love. Can we talk about what went wrong?"
"Nothing, sweetie. Absolutely nothing." Her voice rose as she agitatedly threw her hand against the comforter she lied on, frustrated with the knowledge that the most amazing person she'd ever met was likely blaming herself for the latest in a series of her own failures. "You're perfect. I'm the one that's messed up. God, I fucking suck. I'm so pathetic."
"Hey," she coaxed, deciding to lie down all the way next to the other woman. "This is the farthest we've gotten. That's amazing. You should feel proud."
She shook her head. "I'm not gonna feel proud when I have to tell Kimani about this."
The cop let her process in silence for a minute or so before squeezing her hand to ensure she was still grounded to the present moment. "What's going on in your mind?"
Alex swallowed thickly, her attention returning to the wetness in her underwear. "I'm...really turned on."
"Okay. Is that making you uncomfortable?"
"It makes me feel vulnerable, like I'm just going to come, even if I don't want to." Helplessness. Lack of control. Powerlessness. Forced to feel whatever Tammy wanted her to feel. Why had Olivia's touch brought her back? There were zero similarities between Tammy's rough thrusting and Olivia's loving caress. Why did her body send the same messages to her brain about both?
"You feel that aroused?"
"No." Alex shook her head, once again embarrassed. "Maybe. I don't think so. I never really paid attention to my body in that way, to connect what I was feeling to the way I was responding."
Liv bobbed her head up and down. "So, is it the unknown that's freaking you out?"
"It's the lack of control, I think."
Olivia's heart throbbed at the sheer hopelessness in Alex's voice. She was still trying desperately to aid in the process, to share earnestly with her girlfriend. Her commitment to healing was legitimately awe-inspiring, and to see her in moments of abject doubt was excruciating. "We're going to work on giving you back some of that control, love, I promise. Can I hold you?"
Alex nodded, her lower lip quivering. "Please. I'm sorry."
"Shh, you're okay." Olivia promised again, lying on her back and encouraging the woman she loved to rest on her chest, keeping her breathing steady to serve as an example for Alex as she tried to re-regulate. "Focus on what you know is true," she whispered, two hands landing on her back. "I've got you."
The attorney was still spinning, and she found her lips moving of their own accord, speaking words she didn't entirely believe to be valid, but her fear of being alone now that she had experienced companionship was horrifying. "I tried really hard, just please don't leave me."
Benson squeezed her, tears stinging her eyes. "Al—"
"I'm having a moment," the younger woman realized, exhaling deeply, holding tightly onto her anchor. "I know you're not going to leave me. I know you love me. I know you're safe. I'm safe."
Liv pressed a lingering kiss into the crown of her girlfriend's head, letting her hands wander aimless over her bare back as she hummed soothingly into her ear. "I know that you are trying hard. Your work is paying off. You just still have more healing to do first, and that's okay."
"Focus on what I know is true," Alex reminded herself, taking a deep breath. "You love me."
"That's right," Olivia whispered into her ear, holding her close. "I love you."
A/N: Thank you for reading! I know some parts of this chapter were particularly heavy, but I hope it still maintained some optimism. I got so deeply sucked into this chapter. I couldn't stop writing it, so I did the entire thing in only a few hours. As always, I encourage you all to share your thoughts with me!
-Gabby