"Hope you wouldn't say any bad thing about me." Hermes began to read.
Before Hermes said a word, Apollo snapped his fingers once again, Percy touched his throat in relief.
Hermes goes to juvie
"I like that." Hermes said.
IT WOULD BE FASTER to list the things Hermes wasn't the god of, because that guy had a lot going on.
"You can count domains of other gods which Hermes doesn't share with them." Hephaestus said.
He was the god of travel, so he was the patron of anyone who used the roads.
"Which means almost everyone." Hazel whispered.
That meant merchants, messengers, ambassadors, traveling performers, and herders bringing their livestock to market. It also meant bandits, thieves, drifters, and those annoying caravans of retired people in RVs heading south for the winter.
"That's a big list." Poseidon said.
Hermes was in charge of guiding dead souls to the Underworld.
"Which is not one of my most liked duties." Hermes said. "Most of those people always moan and complain."
He was Zeus's personal FedEx service, carrying his boss's messages all around the globe with guaranteed overnight delivery.
"24 hour service." Frank said.
He was also the god of (take a deep breath) commerce, languages, thievery, cheeseburgers,
"Cheeseburgers?" Thalia asked. "Where?"
trickery, eloquent speaking, feasts, cheeseburgers,
"All hail Hermes, the lord of chesseburgers!" Leo bowed down.
hospitality, guard dogs, birds of omen, gymnastics, athletic competitions, cheeseburgers, cheeseburgers,
"What's up with cheeseburgers?" Demeter asked.
and telling fortunes with dice.
"Which is a power that I gave him." Apollo said.
Okay, I just tossed in the cheeseburgers to see if you were paying attention.
"Yeah, right." Nico said, handing Percy some blue cookies.
Also, I'm hungry.
"I'm honest at these things." Percy said.
Basically, Hermes was in charge of anything and everyone you might encounter while traveling—
"From the bandits to your underpants." Hermes said.
the good stuff and the bad. So if you take a trip, you'd better hope that Hermes is in a good mood.
"I'm almost always in busy mood." Hermes said.
Otherwise you'll wind up sleeping in the airport, or stuck on the side of the road with a flat tire.
"Yeah, those things are fun." Apollo said, giving a thumbs up at Hermes.
Since everybody in Ancient Greece needed to travel at one time or another, Hermes was an important, well-respected dude.
"Obviously." Nico said.
Hard to believe he was born in a cave and got arrested when he was twelve hours old.
"I can believe the arrested part, since he is the god of thieves." Piper said.
His mom, Maia, tried to keep him out of trouble.
"Keyword is tried." Frank pointed out.
She was a Titan, the daughter of Atlas;
"How many daughters did Atlas have? We already know of Zoe, Calypso and hesperides." Grover asked.
and when she became pregnant with Zeus's baby (which makes her what, like girlfriend #458? Is anybody keeping track?),
"Girlfriend no. 3654." Aphrodite said.l
she tried to protect herself so she wouldn't end like most of Zeus's girlfriends—cursed and harassed by Hera.
"And she had probably heard of Leto." Leo added.
Maia hid in a cave on Mount Cyllene in central Greece, where she gave birth to cute little Hermes.
"Aww!" Audiance cooed.
She realized her kid was a baby god, so she decided she had better be careful.
"Specially when your kid is the god of lies." Hazel said.
You can never tell when a baby god will start dancing and singing and shooting people. (She'd heard stories from Leto.)
"Of course, she heard that from mom too." Apollo grumbled.
Maia nursed Baby Hermes and swaddled him tight in his blankets so he couldn't move or get into trouble.
"That's embarrasing." Hermes flushed while the crowd laughed madly.
She placed him in a woven basket for a cradle and began singing a lullaby about the different gods and their favorite animals, because even back then, baby songs were all about farm animals and stuff.
"Cause those are classics." Hera said.
She sang about Artemis and her dogs,
"I cried in that part." Hermes whispered.
Poseidon and his horses,
"I bet you stopped crying at that part." Poseidon said. Hermes nodded.
Apollo and his herd of sacred cows—the finest and tastiest cattle in the world.
"You got the idea to steal my cows from that?" Apollo asked.
Soon Hermes was sleeping peacefully.
"Really?" Artemis rolled her eyes.
Maia stumbled to her bed and passed out, because giving birth was hard work.
"You would never realise how hard it is." Hera said.
As soon as Hermes heard his mom snoring, he opened his eyes.
"Yeah, that is Hermes for you." Hephaestus said.
The young god struggled in his swaddling blankets. "Seriously?" he murmured. "Born for thirty minutes, and I'm already in a straitjacket? Mom must really not trust me. Smart lady."
"Well, your mom knows you more than anyone." Percy said.
He wriggled free and jumped out of the crib. Hermes still looked like a newborn, but only because he wasn't ready to start growing yet.
"But why?" Hazel asked.
He figured a baby could get away with stuff that an older kid couldn't.
"And he created Baby Follies. Hail Hermes, god of baby city." Leo bowed.
He stretched his arms, did a few jumping jacks, and hiked up his diapers.
"Nice warm up before a crime." Hermes shrugged.
"All that singing about cows made me hungry," he said. "I could go for a steak!"
"So you decided to go after best cattle in the world. Only you Hermes, only you." Apollo shook his head.
He strolled out of the cave, figuring it couldn't be too hard to find Apollo's cattle.
"I agree with Apollo there." Demeter said.
He'd only gone a few steps when he tripped on something hard.
"A rock?" Ares suggested.
"Ow!" Hermes knelt down and realized that he'd stumbled over a tortoise.
"Not the nymph who rejected to go to Zeus and Hera's wedding is she?" Jason asked.
"Hey, little buddy," Hermes said. "You're the first animal I've run across! I guess you'll be one of my sacred creatures. How would you like that?"
The tortoise just stared at him.
"Come on! No gesture of thank you at all?" Poseidon asked.
"That's a nice shell you've got." Hermes wrapped his knuckles on the tortoise's back. "All dappled and pretty. How about I take you inside the cave where I can get a better look? I won't hurt you."
"I think I know what to give him for next birthday." Hephaestus said.
Hermes was strong for a baby. Actually, he was strong for anybody.
"He is one of strongest gods." Zeus said.
He picked up the tortoise and brought it inside.
"Without tortoise's permission? Rude Hermes!" Hestia mock scolded.
Looking over its shell, he had a sudden idea. He remembered the way his mother's voice had echoed through the cave when she sang her lullaby, becoming louder and richer. Hermes had enjoyed that.
"She still sings to me whenever I visit her." Hermes said.
This tortoise shell might amplify sound the same way, like a miniature cave—if there was no tortoise inside it.
"If you going to do what I think you're going to do, yuck!" Piper gagged.
"You know what, little buddy?" Hermes said. "I changed my mind. I'm afraid I will hurt you."
"Yes!" Ares exclaimed, drinking some ale. Audiance glared at him. "Its just I'm a big fan of these situations.
Gross-out alert. Hermes chopped off the tortoise's head and legs. He scooped out the rest of it with his mom's soup ladle.
This time, Grover vomited. There were pieces of tin cans and some lettuce.
"You're eating lettuce!" Aphrodite's exclaimed, waving hand to vanish vomit from the ground. "You have my blessings."
Grover bowed to her.
(Hey, I'm sorry. Back then, people butchered animals all the time for meat or hide or shell or whatever. This is why my friend Piper became a vegetarian.)
"And also I don't want my body to be a cemetery, unlike rest of you." Piper said.
Anyway, once Hermes hollowed out the shell, he blew into it. The sound echoed deeply, but it wasn't quite what he wanted.
"No such instruments match Conch." Poseidon said. "Conch is the best!"
Outside the cave, he could hear owls, crickets, frogs, and a bunch of other critters making sounds at different pitches, all at the same time.
"You wanted to hear many sounds at once, I take it?" Hephaestus asked.
Hermes wanted something like that—a bunch of sounds simultaneously. Over by the fire, he spotted some long, stringy sheep tendons that Maia had set out to dry for sewing or whatever.
Hermes thought, Hmm.
"He's making the lyre." Jason realised.
He stretched one tendon between his foot and hand. He plucked it with his free hand, and the gut string vibrated. The tighter he made the string, the higher the note.
"You have the soul of an innovator " Hephaestus and Athena said.
"Oh, yeah," he said. "This'll work."
He glanced at his mom to make sure she was still asleep.
"Awareness of the surroundings is important." Nico said.
Then Hermes set to work. From his mom's loom, he took a couple of wooden dowels and ran them through the tortoise shell so that they stuck out the neck hole like horns.
"Kinda like Loki's helmet." Leo said.
Then he fastened a third dowel across the top, between the two braces, so they looked kind of like football goalposts.
"Too bad we can't play football with two massive lyres." Dionysus drawled.
He ran seven strings from the top of the neck to the base of the tortoise shell. Then he tuned the strings to different pitches. When he strummed, the sound was amazing.
Apollo dreamily sighed.
Hermes had invented the first stringed instrument, which he decided to call a lyre. (Why? Maybe because he was a liar, I don't know.)
"You got me." Hermes grinned.
If he'd spent a few more hours working, he probably could've invented the acoustic guitar, the stand-up bass, and the Fender Stratocaster too; but by now he was really hungry.
"And hunger drives people crazy." Percy said.
He hid his new lyre in the blankets of his cradle and set out to find those yummy magic cows.
"Hermes on the mission magic cows!" Leo exclaimed.
He climbed to the top of Mount Cyllene—hey, no big deal for such a buff baby—
"Buff baby? Don't break my cover." Hermes whispered.
and peered across Greece, watching and listening. Apollo kept his cows well hidden at night, in a secret meadow in Pieria, which was about three hundred miles north of Cyllene, but Hermes had excellent senses.
"My poor cows." Apollo whispered.
In no time, he heard a distant: "Mooo."
"Cows." Demeter said.
Another cow said, "Shhh. We're hiding!"
"Hera in disguise?" Annabeth suggested.
"That would be the first cow." Percy whispered back.
The first cow said, "Sorry."
"Definitely not." Leo whispered to the couple.
Up on the mountaintop, Hermes grinned. "Ha! I've got you now, cows."
"That victory grin on Hermes' face." Grover shuddered. "Cows. Run!" He yelled.
Three hundred miles? No problem! Hermes ran there in about an hour—
"Five miles per a minute. About 8000 meters per a minute. 133.3 meters for a second." Athena did the math.
"With that speed, Hermes can wipe floor with Usain Bolt." Leo whistled.
which must have looked really strange, this newborn god tearing across Greece, his hands still covered in tortoise blood.
"He cannot be seen properly with the speed." Hephaestus said.
"Apollo can, if its daytime, and Artemis can, if moon rays fell on him." Athena said.
Fortunately it was nighttime and nobody saw him.
"Even Apollo, who is off duty." Poseidon said.
When he got to the secret meadow, Hermes drooled at the sight of so many delicious big fat healthy heifers, hundreds of them grazing in the tall grass between the base of a mountain and the sandy shores of the Mediterranean.
Athena made another tapestry and showed it to others. 'Cows of Apollo'.
"I don't want to be greedy," he said to himself. "Maybe I'll just take fifty or so.
"But you're already greedy." Poseidon said. "Greedy enough to steal fifty cows."
"Maybe it's 'I shouldn't be much greedy?'" Demeter asked.
But how to cover my tracks?"
"Always remember to cover your tracks when you're doing something secretive." Hermes said.
"Yeah, Umbridge would have caught Harry and others in Hagrid's hat if not for invisible cloak." Nico said.
He couldn't just stuff fifty cows in a sack and sneak away.
"I'm a baby then. I could have teleported them now." Hermes said.
And if he herded them, Apollo would easily be able to follow the hoofprints of so many animals.
"Got that right." Apollo said.
Hermes stared at the beach. Then he examined some nearby crape myrtle trees.
"Myrtle trees? Moaning Myrtle was named after them." Nico said.
Not sure what he was doing exactly, he broke off some twigs and young branches from the myrtles. He remembered that back in Maia's cave, his cradle had been a woven basket, and he started to weave the branches and twigs into big paddles. He wrapped these around his feet and created the first snowshoes—
"Khione would be pleased." Leo said.
which was pretty amazing, since it never snowed in Greece.
"It did. Boreas and Khione were there." Zeus said.
Hermes took a few steps in the grass, then on the sand. The paddle shoes left wide, vague impressions that completely masked the size of his feet.
"Well done." Hephaestus said.
Perfect, he thought. That covers me. And now for the cows…
"Is he going to make more shoes? I dunno, he has to make 200 of them." Hazel said.
He waded across the meadow in his new shoes. He managed to separate the herd, shooing fifty of the fattest, juiciest cows away from the rest. Those fifty he drove sideways toward the beach.
"And Poseidon sunk the cows, they visited underworld and lived happily ever after." Dionysus said.
Once they reached the sand, Hermes snapped his fingers and whistled to get the cows' attention.
"Like a true politician." Frank said.
When all fifty of them were looking at him, their tails facing the ocean, he said, "Okay, guys. Now back it up. Back it up!"
"He does it like captain C (cows)." Leo said.
Ever tried to get fifty cows walking backward? It's not easy. Hermes kept their attention on him, whistling and making back-up noises like, "BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!" while he waved his arms and advanced toward the water. The cattle shuffled backward, right into the surf. Then Hermes turned them south and herded them a few hundred yards through the waves before leading them onto dry land again.
"Ingenious." Athena said. "That can mess up the searcher."
When he looked back, he had to appreciate his own trickery. It looked as if fifty cows had marched out of the sea and joined the main herd. No one would be able to tell where the missin cows had gone. Hermes had left no footprints that could be traced to him.
Hermes grinned cheekily.
He led the cows south through the fields of Greece. By this time it was after midnight, so Hermes figured he wouldn't be seen.
"You're slower than the last time, and some people stay awake after the midnight, so there's a possibility." Athena said.
Unfortunately, one old mortal farmer named Battus was out tending his grapevines. Maybe Battus couldn't sleep, or maybe he always pruned his grapes at night;
"I think its the latter." Dionysus said.
but when he saw this little baby leading fifty cows down the road, the old dude's eyes bugged out of his head.
"He must have thought that's a dream or a hallucination." Jason said.
"What?" he warbled. "How?"
"Hi, I'm Hermes, son of Zeus and Maia, also a god. Don't be surprised." Piper announced.
Hermes forced a smile. "'Sup?" He considered killing the old man. He didn't want any witnesses.
"He betrayed my secret." Hermes said.
But Hermes was a thief, not a murderer. Besides, he already had the blood of an innocent tortoise on his hands.
"Too much murders for one day? Please." Ares said. "Just kill him."
"I'm just taking my cows for a walk. What's your name, old-timer?"
"Where is your parents?" Hazel asked teasingly.
"Battus." Battus couldn't believe he was having a conversation with a baby. Maybe he was still asleep in bed, dreaming.
"Or the baby is a god." Demeter said.
"Well, Battus," said Hermes, "it would be best if you forgot you saw me. Anybody asks, I was never here. Do that, and I'll make sure you get some awesome blessings when I take my place on Mount Olympus, okay?"
"Bribery and trickety, through and through." Frank muttered.
"Erm…okay."
"Cool. And, hey, is that a knife in your belt? Could I borrow that?"
"You're going to butcher the cows." Piper realised.
Battus gave the baby god his pruning knife, and Hermes led his cattle onward.
"Lets go folks." Nico said.
Finally Hermes found a nice cave where he could hide the stolen cows. He penned forty-eight of them inside so he could eat them later, or maybe sell them on the black market. He hadn't decided yet.
"Sell some on black market and eat others." Hermes said.
Then he used the old man's knife to butcher the last two.
"You need to give a graphic description, Jackson!" Ares said
Again, a pretty creepy image—a baby god with a knife, slaughtering cows—
"Like those vampire babies in twillight, except for knife part." Athena blurted out.
but Hermes wasn't squeamish.
"Welcome to the league!" Ares yelled.
He built a fire and sacrificed the best cuts of meat to the Olympian gods
"Wouldn't gods know who sacrificed them?" Hazel asked.
"I cloaked my aura." Hermes said. "I didn't know how I did it then, but it was my will power."
(including himself, naturally).
"Where the best portion goes to." Leo said.
Then he put more meat on a spit, roasted it, and stuffed himself with tasty beef.
"Yummy yum yum." Nico said.
"Aw, that was good!" Hermes belched with appreciation. "Man, it's getting late. Or early, I guess. I'd better get home."
"Or mom would find out." Percy said.
He cleaned up in a nearby stream, because he didn't think his mom wanted to see her newborn child covered in blood.
"He thinks about his mom." Hestia nodded approvingly.
Then, just for fun, he took a couple of cow bones, hollowed them into flutes,
"Flutes?" Athena asked. "Doesn't one flute suffice?"
and tied them together at one end in a V so that he could play them both simultaneously (because just one flute is boring).
"You have a creative mind." Hephaestus praised.
He waddled home with a full belly, playing soft music on his new double flute to keep himself awake.
"Not to be passed out before everything is done." Frank said. "He is full with steak and did a crash course for a baby god."
He got back to Maia's cave just before dawn, crawled into his cradle, and tucked his V-flute under his blankets with his lyre. Then he passed out. Even for a baby god, it had been a long first night.
"Innovated two instruments, killed a tortoise and two cows, made steak, stole fifty cows and all in few hours." Leo listed.
The next morning, Apollo flew to Pieria to count his cows. He always liked to start the day by admiring his cattle.
"Not now I guess." Annabeth said. "A word of wisdom, Lord Apollo. Don't leave your cows at triple G's. Gaeryon is a wolf."
Apollo's face turned red and red as Annabeth explained everything. His cows were under Eurythian, so he guessed that he don't want to panic, but Gaeryon will have to pay...
When he realized that fifty of them were missing, he freaked. He ran around yelling, "Here, cows! Here, cows!" He found hoofprints leading out of the sea, as if his cattle had gone for a swim and then returned, but that made no sense. He saw some huge, shallow indentions in the sand, like a very thin guy with size twenty-five shoes had been walking around—but again, that made no sense.
"Hermes' trick is working well." Frank said.
Apollo searched most of the morning, until finally he came across the old farmer Battus, who was still pruning his vines.
"He didn't sleep?" Nico asked in astonishment.
After the "talking baby" incident, Battus hadn't been able to get any sleep.
"That explains it." Hazel said.
"Old man!" Apollo called. "Have you seen fifty cows walking this way? Possibly led by a very lightweight giant with size twenty-five shoes?"
"Curses." Hermes muttered. "Forgot to make deep footprints."
Battus winced. He was no good at lying. Apollo could tell immediately that the farmer was trying to hide something.
"And I'm the god of truth." Apollo said.
"I might add," said Apollo, "that I am a god. It would be a very good idea to tell me the truth."
"He should have wished that he wasn't outside that night." Demeter said.
Battus heaved a sigh. "It was a baby."
"Who would have believed?" Hazel asked.
"Most of the truths are weirdest ones." Apollo said.
Apollo frowned. "What, now?"
Battus told him the story, which was so weird Apollo decided it must be the truth.
"And Apollo knows when he is being told the truth or lies." Artemis said.
Apollo knew of only one newborn god. He'd heard rumors that the Titan Maia had given birth last night on Mount Cyllene.
"Mountain nymphs are my best guess." Hephaestus said. "Those are gossipies."
(Apollo always tried to keep up with the latest gossip.)
"I need to know things, its my nature." Apollo shrugged.
It seemed unlikely that a newborn child could be responsible for a cattle theft three hundred miles away,
"Tell that to the god who sang and daced just the moment he was born." Nico said.
but Apollo himself had started singing and dancing as soon as he came out of the womb, so it wasn't impossible.
"Here goes detective Apollo!" Leo cheered.
He flew down to Maia's cave and woke up the mama Titan. "Your kid stole my cows!" he told her.
"Do I look like I care?" Poseidon asked.
Maia rubbed her eyes. She looked at baby Hermes, still lying in his cradle, swaddled in blankets…
"And so innocently." Piper added.
though his belly did look a lot bigger, and was that a dribble of A.1. Steak Sauce on his chin?
"You should clear all evidence." Annabeth said.
"Uh, you must have the wrong baby," Maia said. "He's been here all night."
"You sure?" Hades asked.
Apollo snorted. "It had to be him. Look at the steak sauce on his chin! My cows are probably stashed around here somewhere."
"A clever theif doesn't hide things where he dwells." Hermes shrugged.
Maia shrugged. "You're welcome to look."
"He would never find a thing." Frank said.
Apollo tore through the cave, searching inside pots, behind the loom, under the bedrolls.
"Is he searching for photographs of the cows?" Athena giggled.
Amazingly, fifty cows were not hidden in any of those places.
"Those places are too small, even for a single cow, save fifty of them." Piper said.
Finally Apollo marched to the baby's cradle. "All right, kid. Fess up. Where are my cattle?"
"He wouldn't give up his secret easily." Zeus said.
Hermes opened his eyes and tried to look as cute as possible. "Goo goo?"
"Nice try." Artemis rolled her eyes.
"Nice try," Apollo grumbled.
"This is why twins are alike." Demeter said.
"I can smell the beef on your breath."
Hermes stifled a curse. He knew he should've eaten some breath mints.
"Alas, he fell in sleep." Hazel said.
"Dear cousin Apollo," he said brightly,
"Now he's smooth talking." Athena said.
"good morning to you! You think I've stolen some cattle? Can't you see that I'm just a baby?"
"Like I would believe that." Apollo said.
Apollo balled his fists. "Where are they, you little punk?"
"You sound like Ares." Grover said.
"I have no idea," Hermes said. "How could a little guy like me hide fifty cows?"
"Final nail to the coffin." Hephaestus said. "You just blew up the entire thing. Congratulations."
"Ha!" Apollo cried. "I never said there were fifty!"
"Keeping your mouth shut is important sometimes." Demeter said.
"Ah, tortoise poop," Hermes muttered.
"Only Hermes would say that." Grover said, wrinkling his nose.
"You are under arrest for thievery!" Apollo said. "I'm taking you to Mount Olympus for the judgment of Zeus!"
"Hermes; judgement time!" Nico let out a low growl.
Apollo picked up the entire cradle and flew off to Mount Olympus. When he set the cradle in front of Zeus and explained that this newborn baby was a cattle thief, the other gods started giggling;
"Who would have believe that?" Hera said.
but Zeus silenced them.
"Well, Zeus would." Jason said. "Even Athena and Hephaestus didn't able to figure it out."
"This baby is my son," Zeus said. "I'm sure he's capable of anything. Well, Hermes, did you steal Apollo's cows?"
Hermes stood up in his cradle. "No, Father."
"Yeah, like Zeus' ever going to believe that." Piper said.
Zeus raised an eyebrow. He casually picked up one of his lightning bolts and tested the point.
"Meaning: tell the truth or I'll zap you to next millenium." Apollo said.
"I'll give you a moment to reconsider your answer. Did you steal Apollo's cows?"
"Yes, Father. But to be fair, I only killed two. The rest are safe and sound. And when I slaughtered the cows, I sacrificed the first meat to the gods."
"Minimizing your crime as possible as you can and showing you're a good theif are neat tricks." Hermes whispered under his breath.
"And then you stuffed yourself!" Apollo growled.
"Well, I'm one of the gods, too!" Hermes said. "But all of you got a portion, of course! I would never forget to honor my relatives."
"Sacrifises are the best back up bribes." Dionysus said.
The gods muttered among themselves and nodded. The baby might be a thief, but at least he was a respectful thief.
"Now we know better." Frank said.
"This is ridiculous!" Apollo cried. "Father Zeus, he stole from me. Put him in juvie! Put him on the chain gang!"
"Chains! That reminds me of Ladon. Perseus' second child, whom he had with Gaea." Poseidon said. "It breaks the chains and slays Hera. Zeus and Ladon fight into a stalemate, which both shall be slain by each others' hands."
"Nice set of nephews we have there. Is there any other children he had?" Apollo asked.
"There is another one. Perseus is well-known for shape-shifting abilities." Poseidon began to explain. "He, in his female form, which I refer as she, had a child with Pontus. Charybdis the giantess."
"Wow. Did he had a thing for primordials?" Aphrodite asked. "What would she do in this end of world?"
"She breaks off her monstrous shackles and returns to true form, slays Hermes and Aphrodite. She meets her end at Hephaestus' flaming hammer, yet her trident cuts down his head." Poseidon said.
"So, you and me are only left there?" Demeter asked after a long pause.
"No." Poseidon said sadly. "The mighty goddess Demeter faces the pit with her golden sword, and falls in the battle."
"Then what happens to you Poseidon?" Ares narrowed his eyes.
"Balder and Hela of norse shall return to the surface, also Poseidon and Amphitrite who were injured in the battle. Horus and Khonsu, who are the sole survivors of Egyptian pantheon shall take rule upon skies, Poseidon shall rule seas and Hela shall rule underworld. Balder will ride the sun, and Khonsu will ride the moon." Poseidon recited.
"Lets talk about this afterwards, shall we?" Hermes asked.
Zeus suppressed a smile. He knew he had to be just, but he also couldn't help admiring Hermes's audacity. "Hermes, you will immediately show Apollo where you've hidden his cows. Then you will pay Apollo whatever price he demands for the two cows you killed."
"Two cows vs a god?" Ares asked.
"When the one cow is a god, agreed." Annabeth glanced at Hera secretly.
"I'll throw him into Tartarus!" Apollo yelled. "That'll be my price!"
"That's too much, I tell you." Hermes said.
Zeus shrugged. "You'll have to work that out between yourselves. Now, off with you."
"He's bored, as always." Demeter said.
Hermes sighed. "As you wish, Father. Apollo, you drive. I'll navigate."
"Country roads!" Apollo sang.
Apollo picked up the cradle and flew off with Hermes. The baby god directed him to the secret cave where he'd hidden the cattle, but he took a roundabout route.
"Guess he's taking his time?" Leo asked.
He was furiously thinking about how he could avoid punishment.
"Naturally." Demeter said.
When Apollo saw his missing cows, he calmed down a little bit, but he was still angry with Hermes.
"Take a chill pill dude." Percy said.
"Not invented at the time." Hazel reminded.
"It's Tartarus time," Apollo snarled. "I'll throw you so far into the abyss—"
"What stopped him?" Frank asked.
Hermes pulled his lyre from the blankets of his cradle and began to strum.
"Setting up a different price now, are we?" Poseidon grinned.
Apollo listened, spellbound. He didn't dare interrupt until Hermes was through.
"What—where—how—"
"Another relationship starts. Apollo and the lyre." Aphrodite said. "How about Apolyre?"
"I ship it." Hermes raised a hand.
"Oh, this?" Hermes said casually. "I call it a lyre. I invented it last night."
His fingers flew across the strings, creating a waterfall of beautiful notes.
"I must have it," Apollo said. "I'm the god of music. Please! I—I must have it!"
"The bait worked." Piper said.
"Oh, but you're going to throw me into Tartarus," Hermes said sadly. "I'll need my lyre to cheer me up down there in the dark."
"That's very Slytherin of you." Nico praised.
"Forget Tartarus," Apollo said. "Give me the lyre, and we'll call it even."
"Hermes-one, Apollo-note." Dionysus said.
"Hmm," Hermes said. "And I get to keep the rest of these cows?"
"Seriously Hermes?" Artemis asked.
"Why not? He was already attracted to lyre, so I took the advantage." Hermes said.
"What?!" Apollo demanded.
Hermes played another melody, as bright as sunlight through the trees.
"Yes, yes!" Apollo said. "Fine, keep the cows. Just give me the lyre."
"No wonder why quality music instruments are expensive. Its tradition." Dionysus said.
"Wonderful!" Hermes tossed the lyre to Apollo.
Then the baby god pulled out his double flute, which he'd decided to call a syrinx.
"One bait after another? What are you playing at?" Hephaestus asked.
He started playing that, and Apollo's mouth hung open.
"Close your mouth! Its unbecoming!" Hera chided.
"Don't tell me you invented that, too!"
"I didn't invent that." Grover said, imitating Hermes' voice.
"Hmm?" Hermes paused. "Oh, yes. Just a little something I thought up after dinner. It's for sale…for the right price."
"Which means a huge price." Poseidon said.
Hermes played a little Mozart and some One Direction,
"He played 'The proud horses of Poseidon'." Apollo said. "Must be a lullaby he heard."
and Apollo cried, "I must have it! The girls will go wild for that! I'll offer you…well, I've got some nice magic items back at my apartment: a herald's staff I'm not using, some flying shoes, and a sword. You can have all three!"
"Each other exchange their stuff, though Hermes is getting more valuable things." Frank said.
Hermes considered that. "Throw in the power of prophecy, and it's a deal."
"I don't think Apollo would grant that power that cheaply. Prophecy is one of his main domains." Zeus said.
Apollo scowled. "I can't do that. Prophecy is my gig. Tell you what: I'll give you the power to tell fortunes with dice. Nothing fancy, but it's a good party trick, and you can make some decent money that way."
"Decent money isn't thrilling tough." Hermes said.
"Deal."
"Deal!"
So Apollo and Hermes ended up becoming good friends.
"Best friends!" Apollo exclaimed.
Apollo forgot about the cattle thievery. He didn't even mind that he'd totally been ripped off on the price of the lyre and the syrinx flute.
"Cause that's what best friends do." Leo gave a glance at Jason.
"No, you're not having my sword for a music instrument." Jason said stiffly.
Hermes got his own herd of cattle, which was how he became the god of cattle herders. He got a pair of winged sandals that made him faster than any other god.
"Well, he lost to me at first Olympics in running." Apollo said.
He got a sword made from adamantine and gold, with a blade so sharp, it could cut through almost anything.
"It can even cut through diamond." Hephaestus said. " An armour made of obdurium would survive though."
He got a herald's staff, like human messengers carried when they traveled from city to city to show they had diplomatic immunity, except that Hermes's staff was magical.
"Caduceus." Hermes said, turning his Iphone into the staff form. George and Martha proudly looked at the crowd.
Normally, a herald's staff had two white ribbons twined around it. Hermes's staff had two living snakes instead.
"Usss!" George and Martha announced.
It also had the power to put anyone to sleep, or to wake them up, which was helpful to a god of thieves.
"My favourite feature." Hermes said, turning the staff back into Iphone.
The staff became known as a caduceus—
"Any reasons?" Hazel asked.
just because I knew you needed another complicated word to remember.
"Never mind." Frank said it for Hazel.
Oh, and the old dude, Battus, who told on Hermes? Hermes flew back to the farm and turned Battus into a pillar of stone.
"What are you? Medusa?" Grover asked.
Battus is still standing there overlooking the road, wishing he'd never seen that stupid cattle-thieving baby.
"Stupid?" Hermes grinned slyly. "I'm glad if you're thinking about me that way."
Hermes grew into an adult (in a couple of days, being a god, and all). Usually he appeared as a handsome teenaged guy with curly black hair and just the beginnings of a wispy moustache. Of course, being a god, he could appear any way he wanted to.
"One of privileges being a god." Poseidon said.
He became the messenger of Zeus, and sometimes he even did secret dirty deeds for the boss man.
"He's such a good messenger." Zeus said.
That was Hermes's favorite part of the job!
"Of course!" Hermes grinned.
Case in point: One time Zeus fell in love with a river nymph named Io.
"Io? Good for her." Piper said.
(Yes, that was her name. Just I and O. I guess she came from a poor family that couldn't afford consonants.)
"Or she hated consonants with all her little heart." Dionysus theorised. "Poor consonants, they need to have some wine."
She was amazingly beautiful, but Zeus had the hardest time convincing her to go out with him.
"Higher the quality, higher the price." Poseidon said.
She always hung with a bunch of her nymph friends, so he couldn't ambush her.
"Girls always do that to make boys feel uneasy." Nico said. "Look Harry and Cho, Cho had a gang of girls which made Harry late to ask her out."
She totally ignored his texts. He sent her flowers and candy. He put on a beautiful thunderstorm to impress her.
"There there." Poseidon patted on Zeus' shoulder.
He worked at it for weeks and weeks and got totally obsessed.
Finally she agreed to meet him alone in the woods, and Zeus was like, "YES!"
"Just like Loki when he saw Hulk beating up Thor." Leo said.
Unfortunately, Hera got wind of what was going on. Maybe one of the other nymphs told her.
"Nymphs jealous of Zeus? That's news." Hades said.
Anyway, Zeus showed up in the clearing and Io was waiting for him in a shimmering white dress.
She smiled and said, "Hey, handsome."
"Why must they always do that?" Zeus muttered to himself.
Zeus nearly whimpered with excitement, but just as he took Io's hand, he heard a familiar voice in the woods.
Poseidon gave a knowing smile.
"Zeus!" Hera screamed. "Where are you, you no-good cheater?"
"Reminds me of the beary family." Percy said. "Its family life in a nutshell."
"Oh, I would be more violent than Bessie beary." Annabeth whispered dangerously.
"Wait! You named Bessie after that character?" Grover asked.
Percy nodded. Annabeth shook her head.
Zeus yelped and turned Io into the first thing he could think of: a cow.
"That's low, Zeus." Aphrodite choked out through giggles. Rest of the audiance (save for Hera and Zeus, for obvious reason) laughed madly as well.
Not very nice, turning your girlfriend into a heifer.
"Totally." Frank said.
It's like word association: chocolate—delicious. Sunlight—warmth. Io—cow!
"More like Hera-cow?" Annabeth muttered to herself.
Or maybe Hera's voice made him think of cows, since that was her sacred creature.
"Couldn't he turn her into a cuckoo?" Demeter asked.
Anyway, when Hera stormed into the clearing, she found Zeus leaning casually against a large white cow.
"Eww! No, Zeus, bad!" Hestia scolded.
Hera narrowed her eyes. "What are you doing?"
"Just petting some random cow." Nico said, whistling loudly.
"Hmm? Oh, hello, dear! Nothing. Nothing at all."
"Always try to use fully baked lies." Hermes said. "No surprise Hera saw right through you."
"What's with the cow?"
"Oh, its just my newest girlfriend, Io . Io, meet my wife, Hera." Grover imitated Zeus' voice.
"Cow?" Zeus seemed to notice Io for the first time. "Oh, this cow? Um, nothing. Why?"
Hermes shook his head in utter disappointment.
Hera clenched her fists until her knuckles turned white. "That cow wouldn't happen to be one of your girlfriends, cleverly transformed?"
"Be aware your wife can see right through you." Hera angrily said to Zeus.
"Ha-ha! Oh, come on, dear. You know I wouldn't…Um…No, of course not."
"Then why is the cow here?"
"She has a point." Apollo said.
A bead of sweat trickled down the side of Zeus's face. He panicked and blurted out, "It's a gift! For you!"
"Are you my dad?" Hermes asked.
"A gift."
"Now Hera is certain that its one of his girlfriends." Demeter said.
"Well, yes." Zeus tried to smile. "Since…cows are sacred to you, right? I wanted it to be a surprise. But, um, if you don't like it, I can return it to the cow store."
"Why so backing off?" Leo snickered.
Hera figured Zeus was more full of manure than the heifer. But she decided to play along.
"A good way to creep your husband or boyfriend out." Aphrodite said.
"Why, thank you, dear," she said. "It's wonderful. I'll take it with me right now."
"You—you will?"
"Yes." Hera smiled coldly.
"That's evil." Hestia said.
"Go mom!" Ares cheered.
She summoned a magical rope and put it around poor Io's neck. "I think I'll put her in my sacred grove in Mycenae, where she'll be safe and well guarded. What's her name?"
"Io." Frank said.
"Um…Io."
"Come, then, Io." Hera led the cow away, softly singing, "Io, Io, it's off to the grove we go."
"I agree with Hestia." Piper said.
"Yeah, its evil than 'Weasley is our king.' Nico agreed.
As soon as she was gone, Zeus cursed his horrible luck. He kicked some rocks and summoned lightning to blow up trees.
"Poor rocks and trees." Hazel said sarcastically.
"I was this close!" he yelled. "I have to get that cow back. Who do I know who can steal cows…?"
"Hermes!" Everyone said at once.
Of course, he called Hermes.
"Hermes!" Hera yelled.
When Zeus explained the problem, Hermes grinned. "No worries, boss. I'll sneak into that grove and—"
"Snatch the cow? It won't be that easy, buddy." Percy said.
"It won't be that simple," Zeus warned. "Hera said the cow would be well guarded. I'm afraid I know what she meant. She's got this new giant working for her, a dude named Argus."
The seven and Grover smiled. They knew Argus very well. Even Hera made a small smile.
Hermes frowned. "So? I'll either sneak past him or kill him. I've got a sword."
"Don't think so." Demeter said. " He is very skilled fighter, and also he has hundred eyes."
Zeus shook his head. "This guy is huge and strong and quick. You can't beat him in a fair fight, even with your sword.
"Not to mention that Argus was the one who killed Echidna." Athena said.
And as for sneaking…no way. The guy has eyes in the back of his head, and—"
Hermes laughed. "I've heard that before."
"He thinks it as an idiom." Apollo said.
"No. I mean he literally has eyes in the back of his head. And on his arms and legs and all over his body. A hundred eyes."
"Surprise!" Leo said in a pleasant voice.
"That's disgusting!"
"Not when you adjust to that." Annabeth said.
"I know, right? But he never rests, and he's always looking in every direction. If he's guarding Io…"
"Its almost impossible to snatch Lo." Poseidon agreed.
Hermes scratched his head. "Don't worry, boss. I'll figure something out."
"Well, Hermes would be even more interested, seeing as this is a hard task." Hephaestus said.
So off he flew. When he got to Hera's sacred grove, Hermes saw Io the white cow tied to an olive tree. Standing right next to her was the giant Argus.
"Like a Goliath." Nico said.
Just like Zeus had said, Argus was covered with eyes, all blinking and looking around in a dizzy, psychedelic way that made Hermes a little queasy.
"Old and better version of Mad eye Moody; what do you say, Neeks?" Percy asked.
Argus was about ten feet tall, and the dude obviously worked out. He was holding a big wooden club with iron spikes on the end.
"I like that guy." Ares suddenly said.
Hermes wondered if Argus had eyes in his palms, and if so, whether he got black eyes from holding his club all day.
"Argus would kick your butt to the next week if you asked him that." Annabeth giggled.
Hermes changed his form so that he looked like a simple mortal shepherd. His caduceus morphed into a regular wooden staff. He strolled into the grove, whistling casually, and acted surprised when he saw Argus.
"Keep your cool." Apollo advised.
"Oh, hello!" Hermes smiled. "My, aren't you tall!"
"You will be getting shorter if I have my way." Grover said mimicking Percival in Merlin.
Argus blinked several hundred times. He was used to people teasing him about his eyes, but this shepherd didn't seem horrified or disgusted.
"Cause he is not your average shepherd." Athena said. "By the way, good job confusing him."
The giant wasn't sure what to make of that.
"That Hermes is a nice guy?" Hazel asked.
Hermes wiped his forehead. "Hot day, isn't it? Mind if I sit and rest?"
"Yeah. You're here to steal another cow." Nico imitated Argus.
Without waiting for permission, Hermes made himself comfortable in the meadow. He set his staff next to him and secretly willed it to begin working its magic on Argus.
"There was a reason why that is my favourite feature." Hermes said.
The caduceus sent out waves of sleepiness—making Argus feel kind of like how you would in sixth period after lunch on a hot day.
"That beats what Argus felt." Leo said.
SLEEP, the caduceus seemed to say.
"That might be George." Grover said.
But Argus was a big guy with lots of eyes. He'd been bred specifically not to fall asleep. Hermes figured it would take a while. He had to buy time.
"And some distraction." Athena added.
"Man, what a day I've had!" he told the giant. He pulled out a jug of water. "Join me, my friend, and I'll tell you all about it! Happy to share this ice-cold water with you!"
"Water?" Dionysus asked. He felt odd.
"Alchohol would have drew suspicion." Hermes said.
Argus was really thirsty. He'd been standing in the blazing sun all day, watching this stupid cow, as Hera had commanded. But the cow was boring.
"Stupid enough to date Zeus." Poseidon muttered to himself.
Still, he was on duty. He shook his head, which was all he could do. He didn't like to talk, because it would reveal the eyes inside his mouth and all over his tongue.
"That's why he's always silent." Hazel said.
Hermes started chatting. He was the god of travel, so he knew a bunch of good stories. He'd heard jokes from all over the world. And messengers had to be good at speaking, so Hermes knew how to entertain. He regaled Argus with the latest gossip about the gods.
"Tastiest tales of the world." Aphrodite murmured.
"I heard this one god Hermes stole Apollo's cattle!" Hermes said with a grin. Then he proceeded to tell the story as if it had happened to somebody else.
"That's very good for keep your cover strong." Athena said. "Or else Argus would have been suspicious of no mention of Hermes."
Meanwhile, the caduceus kept pulsing with magic, filling the air with a heavy layer of drowsiness, like a comfortable blanket.
"Sweet dreams." Nico whispered.
After half an hour, Argus dropped his club. He sat next to Hermes and accepted some water.
"Its working!" Frank whispered.
Hermes kept joking with him, telling him stories, until Argus felt like they were old friends.
"I'm sort of familliar with the trick." Dionysus gave an amused smile.
SLEEP, said the caduceus.
"George and Martha are good partners in crimes." Hermes praised. "And don't turn back to say you're welcome." He said to his Iphone.
After another hour, Argus's eyes began to get heavy. He knew he was supposed to be on duty, but he couldn't remember why. His imagination was drifting through the wonderful stories that Hermes told.
"Almost there." Hazel said.
Finally Hermes started singing a lullaby. "This is one my mother sang for me when I was just a baby."
"They were good lullabies." Apollo said. "And I guess Argus was too sleepy to figure out the oddity of remembering the lullabies of your baby years."
He sang the same song he'd heard in his cradle the night he was born, about Artemis's dogs and Poseidon's horses and Apollo's cows.
Argus's head drooped once, twice—bam. All his eyes closed, and the giant began to snore.
"No, Argus!" Hera whispered.
Hermes kept singing. Very slowly he got to his feet and drew his sword. He crept behind Argus and chopped off the giant's head.
"He reformed. Chiron took him to the camp." Annabeth said.
"Nighty-night!" Hermes said cheerfully. (I take back what I said earlier. Hermes was a murderer.)
"Theif isn't naturally a murderer, yet he got to be ready to kill." Hermes grinned.
"I'm not believing you." Jason muttered.
Hermes untied Io the cow and brought her back to Zeus.
"And Zeus exploded in pleasure, so Olympus made Dionysus her new king." Dionysus said.
Hera was enraged, but she couldn't prove what had happened.
"Now I can!" Hera said in a cruel pleasure. "For this once, thank you Percy Jackson!"
Before she could say anything further, Hermes continued to read.
Zeus was delighted. Hermes got a nice little bonus in his next paycheck.
Poor Io…once Zeus was tired of dating her, Hera turned her into a cow permanently and sent a gadfly to sting her for the rest of her life, so Io had to be constantly on the move, roaming from country to country.
"She lived happily ever after as a cow." Hades drawled. "Move on."
But, c'est la cow!
"Life isn't fair." Leo nodded.
At least Hermes got the satisfaction of a job well done.
"With that, I'm done." Hermes said, sending the book to Dionysus. "You're up, Mr. D."
...
A/N
Quick? Yeah, I know. I would try to end Dionysus as quick as I can. Then there would be two epilogues.
Mr. D is up next. Don't expect any alcohol though...
And also...hundred followers! Within a month! That means to me so much guys! (And girls, of course.) Love you all.
Stay safe, good bye for now.