XXIX.
Draco actually had a decent amount of OWLs and would be moving on to a few NEWT classes — including Potions and Defense the Dark Arts, which was impressive to Narcissa as she could not manage decent OWLs in either of those subjects — yet he still felt the need to justify his P in Charms because apparently the exam teacher had just fawned over Harry Potter and it caused Draco to get so irritated that the wine glass he had been levitating fell to the floor and shattered. Narcissa did not care though— Charms was a soft option anyway (or, at least, that was what she told him despite that being one the few NEWT level classes she had managed to get into), and she knew Draco was just nervous because his father always pushed him to apply himself more. Narcissa was proud of what he had achieved though and considering he had done far better than she had herself, felt there was no room to complain.
She made certain Draco knew how happy she was with his grades and he ended up feeling a lot better; for a moment he actually seemed excited to go back to school and begin his NEWT courses, but then he remembered the Mark and he slipped into a broody silence as he compulsively rubbed his left forearm. Narcissa hated it, she hated all of this, but she didn't know what else to do besides try to encourage him to finish his schooling as best he could before he ended up in full service of the Dark Lord.
Narcissa had been trying to teach Cassandra Occlumency during her time there as Bellatrix had suggested before, even though Narcissa wasn't entirely certain her sister wanted Cassandra to have more defenses after everything that happened. Still, a part of Narcissa wondered why her sister hadn't just used Legilimency on Cassandra before if she had wanted to know the truth— did something like that fall under 'physical harm' and therefore Bellatrix thought she could not due to the terms of the Unbreakable Vow? It didn't hurt when one did that, but it was also incredibly violating. Or, more likely, was Bellatrix merely afraid of what she would find if she actively went looking? Bellatrix liked to live in denial just as much as Narcissa did, but the bliss of ignorance was gone now, and Narcissa was running out of excuses to run away.
She was better. It was obvious to anyone who looked at her that she wasn't the same woman she had been a month ago, as Narcissa had spent a good portion of her time at Cassandra's focusing on her mental health. She developed a routine, taking her medicine at a certain time, eating regular meals, sleeping at least seven hours a night, and trying to keep herself as de-stressed as possible. Maybe it was just a bullshit façade in the end, as obviously her circumstances here weren't what they would be when she returned home, but Narcissa was starting to feel whole again, and that had to mean something.
She and Cassandra took their kids to Diagon Alley to shop for school supplies one warm afternoon in late July, and after an altercation in Madam Malkin's with the Potter boy and his pathetic entourage that left a bad taste in Narcissa's mouth, Draco got irritated and snapped at her that he was old enough to do his shopping alone anyway and stalked off in a huff, leaving Narcissa by herself. Cassandra had already been abandoned by Gregory who no doubt got distracted by something shiny and ran off himself, and when the two women found each other they shared a knowingly exhausted look.
"Drink?" Cassandra suggested, and Narcissa exhaled a desperate, "Please," before the two women headed in the direction of the Leaky Cauldron. Posters of wanted Death Eaters lined the streets, Bellatrix's face sneering at her from the front of the nearest apothecary, and Narcissa had to avert her gaze because an awful feeling made camp in the pit of her stomach. She hadn't seen her sister in over a month now, and the longer this went on the more pathetic she was beginning to feel, as she was a full-grown woman and she shouldn't be running away from her problems like this.
Diagon Alley was not what it used to be. Narcissa had heard that Florean Fortescue, the man who ran the ice-cream place, was dragged off by Death Eaters, and now his shop was all boarded up. Even Ollivander was missing, although whether the Death Eaters got him or he just ran off, nobody knew. Narcissa was sure Bellatrix knew, but because she was not actively speaking to her at the moment, her guess was as good as anyone else's.
Narcissa gently allowed her fingers to tangle in Cassandra's once they entered the bar, which the redhead seemed to think was a mistake since she immediately pulled her hand away. It hadn't been though; with Draco accepting of her relationship now, she felt no reason to hide it. If her son wasn't ashamed, then that was all that mattered to her— her reputation was in the toilet anyway, so what did it matter if people saw her look a little too close with another woman? Some things mattered more than how others saw her, and Cassandra was one of them.
(Narcissa was sure Aunt Walburga had just rolled over in her grave.)
Then again, it wasn't as though they had a conversation about being public anyway, so perhaps Narcissa should not have assumed Cassandra would be as okay with it as she realized she might be. The other woman hadn't seemed terribly adverse to it or anything when Narcissa had been expressing her frustrations over it when they were at the train station two months back, but Narcissa had also been very against it at that time for her son's sake, so Cassandra didn't really open up much about her feelings on it. Still, Narcissa found she really wanted to hold her hand, which of course made her feel a bit silly as what was she, fourteen? She didn't even hold Lucius' hand in public, although sometimes she would clutch his arm. Would one woman do that with another though?
Oh my God, she was over thinking this.
"Why're ya lookin' at me like that?"
"Like what? I'm not— this is just how I look," Narcissa insisted, suddenly embarrassed for reasons she didn't fully understand. "Can you just… get me a glass of wine? I'll find us somewhere to sit while we wait for the boys. I told Draco to find us around here anyway."
Cassandra narrowed her eyes suspiciously but did as requested anyway, leaving Narcissa to exhale a long breath as she silent berated herself for acting like some kind of lovesick idiot. She was forty years old, for Christ's sake— there was absolutely no need to be ridiculous.
The open bar area of the Leaky Cauldron wasn't too busy. With everything going on with the mysterious disappearances and Death Eaters lurking around every corner Narcissa was not surprised, but it was still strange to see it so empty. This used to be such a crowded spot over the summer while Hogwarts students came with their parents to shop for their supplies, or tourists came through while they visited London. It used to be so full of life and now the atmosphere was rather somber as the threat of war lingered on the horizon. Narcissa made her way to the back of the room as she at least wanted a little more privacy with her girlfriend, but her eyes landed on a witch who was sitting by herself in the corner and Narcissa sucked in a sharp breath.
"What are you doing here?" she hissed as she invaded her sister's space, feeling as though she was the one who had the audacity to bombard her way into Narcissa's life, when in reality it was she who was about to ruin Andromeda's afternoon.
"You are aware how public spaces work, I assume?" her sister countered, but Narcissa felt ridiculously violated by this as though Andromeda should have known she was going to be in Diagon Alley today and should have gone out of her way to avoid this uncomfortable meeting.
"Your daughter doesn't even go to school anymore—"
"No, which is why she is not here with me," Andromeda pointed out, her hands cupping her mug of butterbeer. "You are, however, sadly deluded if you think this shopping area is only open to students during the summer. I had an errand to run and I decided to have a drink afterward; with the way you are looking at me, you'd think that was some sort of crime."
Narcissa exhaled an exasperated breath. "Of course it's not a crime, I just don't see the point in you being here. I was having a perfectly good afternoon until you decided to grace me with your presence."
Andromeda snorted. "Did you, or did you not just stride up to my table? You could have left me alone, Narcissa. In fact, I'd prefer it if you did, but as you seem content on forcing another reunion that will no doubt end with both of us getting pissed off, go ahead— sit down. This should be entertaining, at the very least."
Narcissa scoffed as though the very idea of being invited to sit down at Andromeda's table was gravely insulting. "I'm here with someone actually, so thank you, I suppose, for your pathetic attempt at hospitality, but I'd rather—"
"—Bloody hell."
Shit.
"This the other one?" Cassandra asked just as Narcissa tried to shush her, as her exclamation wasn't exactly quiet. Cassandra was staring at Andromeda as though she had just seen a ghost though, and for probably good reason, considering… "Jesus, she looks just like 'er. Wasn't expectin' that."
Andromeda did not look pleased with the comparison. "Yes, it's been quite a lot of fun with people doing double-takes at me whenever they see Bellatrix's wanted poster." Her gaze flickered to Narcissa, her tone a tad accusing. "Who's this?"
"Cassandra Goyle," Cassandra introduced at the very same time that Narcissa answered, "My girlfriend."
Both women looked surprised at that answer, but Narcissa refused to pretend Cassandra was anything other than what she was. Besides, this wasn't exactly 'going public' or anything— it was just her sister. Andromeda's brow rose though as she stared at Narcissa like she was seeing her for the first time. "Wow. You really have abandoned all pretenses now that your husband's in jail, haven't you? What will the societal elite think, if they were to hear of such a scandal?"
"I have far more important things to worry about now than what a bunch of snooty prats think of me; besides, you know as well as I that my reputation is in tatters. What gain is there is trying to save face? I'm tired of the superficiality of it all."
"Stop, you're going to give me a stroke," Andromeda responded sardonically, although despite herself she did look rather impressed by Narcissa's refusal to be ashamed of who she is. But then she realized something and she sucked in a sharp breath, the sound short of a hiss. "Oh, Bellatrix must be thrilled. I'm surprised you're still breathing," she mentioned to Cassandra, who looked as though she was going to say something, but Narcissa beat her to it as she didn't want her to reveal anything damning about Bellatrix.
In the end, she was still a wanted criminal, and Andromeda's daughter was someone who was actively hunting her.
"I told you the last time that we met that she isn't in my life anymore," Narcissa lied, and Andromeda straight up laughed at that, causing the youngest of the Black sisters to hiss at her to be quiet because people were beginning to stare, and she sat down in the chair opposite to Andromeda in a huff, hoping the woman would keep her voice down if they were in closer quarters. Cassandra followed suit, taking the seat next to her as she slid her the glass of wine that Narcissa now desperately needed.
"Narcissa, you and I both know that no matter how badly you might wish to stay away from her, that she will always find some way to claw her way back underneath your skin," Andromeda told her, not cutting any corners. Cassandra pursed her lips like she absolutely believed Andromeda to have a point and Narcissa glowered as she took a sip of her wine. "I'm sure she darkened your doorstep the second she found herself out of that place— I just hope for your sake that you had the strength to send her away."
"I find it hard to believe that your daughter didn't give you the details of her horribly invasive and thorough search of my home that, if you'll recall, did not yield results— Bellatrix included."
"I mean, I don't think she's living with you—"
Well that was good, considering she was.
Well, she had been until Narcissa ran away— Bellatrix merely lived with Draco now. God, she needed to go back home. This madness had no doubt gone on long enough.
"—But let's stop pretending you've had no contact, shall we? By the way, when you see her next, do tell her that I owe her for what she did to my daughter at the Ministry."
"She's alive, ain't she?" Cassandra responded, as though that made all the difference in the world. "That's practically a love letter from the mental bitch; not that I can blame ya for goin' feral over your kid, even if she is a mutt."
"Oh good, and here I was worried that my dear sister might have chosen someone decent for a romantic partner. I might have died from the shock. You certainly do have a type, don't you?" Andromeda accused, her gaze shifting to Narcissa with her last question. The blonde looked confused though, as she was fairly certain that Bellatrix, Lucius, and Cassandra were nothing alike.
Off of her sister's look, Andromeda answered, "A beautiful exterior, but a rotten core."
"Oi," Cassandra shot back, offended by the implication. "If ya didn't want your kid to be called a mutt then ya should have married your own kind. You can't fault people for simply sayin' the truth."
"God, you're just as warped as she is," Andromeda exhaled in disgust. "Do neither of you realize how badly being raised as a 'proud' pureblood screwed you up? You both need to recognize that you're a dying breed, and if you keep passing these awful ideals down to your children then you're going to leave them alone in a world that no longer exists. At least give them the chance to integrate with the rest of society."
"There's nothin' wrong with being proud of who you are."
"Are you though?" Andromeda countered. "Are you?" she asked Narcissa then, giving her a pointed look. "Because from where I'm sitting, all being proud of your blood has given you is a husband who's in prison and commitment your family cannot talk their way out of. What are you going to do if the Dark Lord comes recruiting and takes your only son? Draco is a proud pureblood, is he not? Proud, and turning seventeen in only a year; what will you—"
Narcissa had practically wheezed the second Andromeda had mentioned Draco, and she slammed her hand on the table, nearly spilling her glass of wine as she exclaimed, "Don't you talk about my son!" She looked like she was twelve seconds away from a panic attack, and Cassandra placed a comforting hand on her leg and leaned in to shush her.
"Cissa, breathe…"
Andromeda's brow creased in concern over the strength of her sister's reaction. "…Has he already?" she asked, keeping her voice down as Narcissa's reaction had turned a few heads. She sounded so terribly gutted on her behalf, and Narcissa wanted to claw her own chest open to get rid of the disease that resided within her.
Thankfully, it was Cassandra who spoke. "No, but she's bloody fuckin' terrified of it, so thanks for bringin' it up— hey, have some wine, yeah? S'okay," Cassandra softly encouraged, gently rubbing small circles on the blonde's thigh. Narcissa inhaled a shaky breath and nodded before she took a large sip of her drink. Her hand fell between them then, grasping tightly to Cassandra's. She did not want to let her go.
"Narcissa," Andromeda quietly addressed. "I know— I know things are not good between us, but if you ever need help, my daughter…"
"I'm fine," Narcissa insisted, her voice coming out strained. She could not look at her. Part of her ached to take Andromeda up on her offer, as perhaps as an Auror her daughter could protect Draco, but she also knew that the Dark Lord planned to infiltrate the Ministry at some point, and then her protection would be worthless. Her son would die for his betrayal, and Narcissa could not bear that. "I need to— I have to go."
Andromeda looked as though she felt awful for slapping her sister with a reality she could not bear to face, but she did not apologize for her words, as she knew this was something Narcissa would need to confront eventually. "Regardless, my offer… it still stands. You know how to get in with contact me, should you change your mind. I think we both know I owe you no favors, Narcissa, but despite it all you are still my little sister. I still… I still care."
Narcissa wet her dry lips, her breathing still coming out strained after she stood. She stared at Andromeda, her stomach twisting in her gut at her sister's words. She hated this, honestly— it had been twenty-five years since this animosity between them tore their family apart, and while Narcissa was still bitter over Andromeda's choice to walk away, there was a part of her that could not fault her for it anymore.
Their childhood had been horrible, and in the end Narcissa had done the very same thing and ran while Bellatrix made certain she could not be followed. Narcissa knew she may never understand Andromeda's desire to leave for a mudblood, but perhaps she now understood the desire to be happy above all else. Being in a lesbian relationship was just as looked down upon in their society as being in a relationship with a muggleborn, and yet Narcissa had resolved not to let it bother her any longer. She was happy, and that was all that mattered; perhaps, in the end, that was all that mattered to Andromeda as well.
"…Me too."
The words were barely above a whisper, yet Andromeda heard them all the same. She gave her sister a small smile as Cassandra wrapped her arm around her girlfriend's waist, allowing her hand to rest on the small of her back. Narcissa did not say goodbye as a feeling she couldn't really identify clutched at her chest, but she turned away, allowing Cassandra to gently lead her out of the Leaky Cauldron.
She didn't really feel like drinking any more anyway.
When they exited, Narcissa pleaded in a strained voice, "Hold my hand?" and Cassandra complied without a second thought before she pulled her gently toward her, allowing Narcissa to lean against her chest. Cassandra gently placed her lips on the blonde's forehead, and Narcissa exhaled.
"Have some decorum," snarled an older witch in disgust while she passed by the two women. Cassandra wasted no time in throwing a rude gesture at her which Narcissa had to cover up with her hand as she turned them both away from the woman who was now gaping at them in horror. Narcissa was trying not to laugh at how little Cassandra cared for her own rudeness, as they were not children and they couldn't just be throwing the finger at people all willy-nilly— especially in public.
Still, the look on the old woman's face had been well-worth it. She looked as though she had been slapped.
"Now you've done it— I think that was the Rowle matriarch; I used to see her at my Aunt's parties. I give it two days until every pureblood knows our little 'scandal'."
Cassandra looked genuinely apologetic. "Shit, I'm sorry—"
"Don't be," Narcissa interrupted, not wanting Cassandra to feel badly for it. She truly did not care any longer. She was just tired; tired of the bullshit, tired of all the pretenses. Her lifestyle had exhausted her to the point of no return, but Narcissa still felt trapped in it all the same. Still, if she could distance herself, even a little bit, then perhaps she would come out better for it in the end. "I'm not ashamed of you, my son doesn't seem to be ashamed of me… and I refuse to be ashamed of myself any longer. I've spent far too much of my life hating myself for not being the perfect pureblooded woman, with the perfect figure and the perfect marriage, throwing the perfect parties and being well-connected with the rest of the other perfect people, and I can't stomach it anymore. I'm done."
Cassandra smiled at her, gently squeezing the hand that she held in her own. She was proud of her, and Narcissa's heart swelled at the look she was being given. But then Cassandra's expression masked over in anxiety as she realized something. "Well, just don't forget I gave you a place to stay when ya needed one— cause when Peter gets out an' he hears about how badly I've embarrassed him for this, I might need one too."
Narcissa brow creased in concern. "You really think he'll kick you out?"
Cassandra shrugged helplessly. "Maybe not for actin' like a bleedin' dyke in public, although that'll still piss 'im off— but when he finds out I'm in love with ya… yeah. Yeah, I think he might."
"I'm sorry…"
"I did this to myself," Cassandra responded with a resigned sigh. "I knew a long time ago that I'd get caught up in you an' what I was riskin'. Granted, I didn't think it'd take us fifteen bloody years to get here, but a part of me knew it was inevitable. I just wish I wasn't gonna hurt 'im— I know he cheated on me too, but it was… different, than me an' you, an' he don't deserve the pain I'm gonna give 'im when he finds that out."
Narcissa pursed her lips, feeling awful. Her selfishness always hurt others, but she hadn't wanted it to hurt her. "You know you will always have a place to stay, should you need one," Narcissa told her softly, not knowing what else to do, what else to say. "Lucius would never turn you out either. I'm sure this— us, won't come to a surprise to him anyway."
"You don't think he'll be jealous? You guys are still married…"
Narcissa laughed softly. "I mean, he might be jealous of me since he had a crush on you for a time, despite trying to lie to himself about it. But jealous that you have me? No. We've accepted that we both prefer to have multiple partners in our marriage and it's made things… so much better than they used to be."
"Yeah, well, if my husband leaves me an' you're still alright with it I might just take 'im up on his offer— I love ya, Cissa, but I still really like a good plow from a hard cock. I dunno if I could just give that up completely. But, then again— same goes for the opposite now. You've fucked me all up, y'know that?"
Narcissa giggled and shushed her, despite no one really being in their general vicinity. Still, better to be safe. "I absolutely understand, believe me. And you are more than welcome to; in fact, I greatly encourage it, regardless of whether or not I'm there with you. What's mine is yours," she told her seriously, despite her tone lightly teasing. Narcissa met her gaze, her voice becoming sincere. "I told you once, a long time ago, that I would give you whatever you wanted. You were right though; I didn't mean it then. I do now. I would go to the ends of the fucking earth to keep you happy, Cass. I love you."
Cassandra's eyes softened at those words. "I love you too, Cissa." She looked at the blonde's lips then before biting on her bottom one. "Yeah… we still shouldn't kiss in public— be a bit much."
"Probably," Narcissa agreed, as she hardly even kissed Lucius in public; the only times were at parties or something, and it was only ever a quick peck on the lips.
Cassandra gently squeezed the other woman's hand though, growing serious herself. "You and I both know what I want you aren't able to do yet," she told her, and Narcissa's gaze fell between them, unable to look her in the eyes. She loved Cassandra for the amount of patience she was exercising when it came to this, but she also had a sickening feeling that it wouldn't last as long as she would like. Still, Narcissa allowed the woman her optimism because quite frankly, she couldn't bear to be the one who ripped it from her. "But I appreciate your desire to regardless, an' I hope— no, I know one day things will change. It's takin' you a long time to move forwards, an' sometimes ya slip an' fall back a few steps, but overall I think you're gettin' to where ya wanna be. An' whatever— maybe it makes me an' idiot, maybe it makes me a masochist, to just stand there an' wait but… I'll be there when you do, okay? I promise."
Narcissa nodded. She was silent for a long time before she finally looked up at her girlfriend. Before she could say anything though, it was Cassandra who spoke. "I know you're ready to go back," she told her, albeit regrettably as she had been enjoying their short reprieve away from reality. Narcissa had been too, but she couldn't keep running anymore— she was strong enough now to face her sister, to deal with the repercussions of her actions, and she needed to.
"Believe me, there is a very large part of me that doesn't want to. Taking the time for my mental health is one thing, but if I stayed… it would be selfish. I need to go back for my son. I need to be there for him more than I have been over the last month, because I'm starting to feel like an awful mother and that is the last thing I want to be for him," Narcissa told her softly, her fingers gently caressing the other woman's as she spoke. "And I need— I need to face her; I need to own what I've done, and I need to try to fix it. I betrayed her and I— I don't regret it, but I am sorry that it hurt her. She did not deserve to find out that way. I should have been braver and even though it might be too little too late, I need to be honest with her now. It's what she deserves, at the very least."
Cassandra understood, but then again, she always did. Narcissa had no idea how she managed to get not one, but two people to accept the madness that was her and Bellatrix, but it probably was just a testament to how badly she could fuck people up. She honestly did not mean to, but Narcissa would be lying if she said she did not enjoy the benefits of it. If she were being truthful with herself though, Narcissa knew she did not deserve a single one of them: not Cassandra, not Lucius, and not even Bellatrix. Yet, unfathomably, she had them.
Some a little more than most though.
On the lesser end of that spectrum was her sister, who a day later was looking at her like her mere presence was a plague upon the house that she had called her home for the last seven months. "What the fuck are you doing here?"
Narcissa exhaled a tired breath as she put her bags down in the foyer. "I live here, Bella," she reminded her, and Bellatrix scoffed. Narcissa knew her reintegration into her own house and her sister's life wouldn't go smoothly, so she was glad that Cassandra had offered Draco a place to stay for the night; no matter what happened, Narcissa was sure that she did not want him to be around for it.
"And here I thought you were content playing house with your side whore. Did you tire of it that quickly?"
"She is not my side whore," Narcissa denied, looking at her sister exasperatedly. Still, she knew Bellatrix had a right to be hurt, and she knew she was going to lash out because of it. It was just what she did. "And you know as well as I that I did not leave to 'play house'; I was having a very difficult time with Draco being Marked and I spun out of control. I needed to take a step back so I could get a handle on myself before I got worse, because I would have if I didn't. You know I would have. I'm mentally ill, Bella, and as much as I wish I had control over it I still have a very hard time sometimes. I'm trying."
"I'm sorry, are you under the impression I give a fuck about your mental state?" Bellatrix snapped, continuing to lash out as she spat lies to try to hurt her. "Get depressed and jump off a fucking bridge— see if I care."
Narcissa just looked at her patiently. "I think you'd care very much, actually."
"Oh, good, are we back to your condescending bullshit? Because that was my favorite," Bellatrix sneered and, alright, perhaps it did sound a bit… but that wasn't how Narcissa meant it. She just knew that Bellatrix would actually care quite a bit if she did that. "Get fucked, Narcissa."
Bellatrix strode out of the room, kicking one of Narcissa's bags for good measure before she left and well, at least the space they had from one another gave her sister ample time to calm down, because Narcissa knew Bellatrix, and this was probably the best she could have hoped for. She had every right to be angry with her, but at least she didn't seem as murderous as she was after she had found out, and that had to count for something.
Still, Narcissa followed her.
"Bella, please. We need to talk. I know— I know I haven't been honest with you and I'm sorry, but I will be now if you just give me the chance."
"I don't want your pathetic attempt at honesty, you backstabbing cunt. You got caught in a lie, again, and yet you want to act like you're going to give me the decency of finally telling me the truth, when I've already ripped it out of you? You're a trip, but I'm hardly surprised. You used to do this to Lucius all the time; you'd get backed into a corner until the only way out was trying to get in front of your bullshit, but by then it would always be too late. You will never be anything more than a selfish child, and I hate that all of us keep letting you get away with it."
She wasn't wrong. Narcissa's chest ached as she realized she wasn't doing things differently at all; she was just doing them to a different person. "I'm sorry," she stressed, but Bellatrix just laughed bitterly as she went into the kitchen to pour herself a drink. "And you shouldn't— you shouldn't let me get away with it. I know I deserve your anger, I know I hurt you—"
"Hurt?" Bellatrix countered after she had grabbed the decanter of whiskey, nearly slamming it down on the counter. "You think you hurt me? There isn't a fucking word for what you did to me, Cissy, and yet because I'll never be anything other than another one of your emotional fucking doormats, I just have to deal with it. If you were anyone else I would have carved your heart out of your fucking chest, I would have razed your house to the ground and killed your son, but I can't. You have made me into the most pathetic version of myself and I despise you for it. You killed the fucking strength inside of me, you've killed my sense of self-preservation, you've killed my goddamn spirit. So hey, here's to you, you fucking disease. Cheers."
Bellatrix downed the glass that she poured herself within seconds and Narcissa's stomach dropped as she realized what exactly she was looking at. Bellatrix had been oddly calm about this — or at least as calm as she could be — and while Narcissa had thought that was because she had time to process what had happened and move on from her fury, that wasn't what it was at all. Her sister might be hurt, she might be angry, but that wasn't her dominant emotion at the moment, because Bellatrix was depressed.
"Bella…" Narcissa breathed sadly, realizing the repercussions of her actions might have been more severe than she thought. "I love you— how I feel about Cassandra, that doesn't change that…"
"Oh, but you wish it did, don't you?" Bellatrix spat as she poured herself another drink. Narcissa wanted to stop her, as she doubted this could lead anywhere good, but she was fairly certain she wouldn't be able to even if she tried. Bellatrix only listened to her when she respected her, and right now she did not. "She gives you something normal, doesn't she? More normal than screwing your own flesh and blood, at any rate. You probably loved hiding away with her, having breakfast with your kids every morning and playing like she's your fucking wife with your mundane domestic bullshit."
"I know you, Narcissa, and I know what you want— and it's not hiding away with me in the dark, terrified that people will find out just how sick you've always been," Bellatrix continued, her voice beginning to get strained as her throat closed in emotion. "You've always been ashamed of me, yet you aren't ashamed of her. And don't you dare fucking lie to me because we have eyes everywhere, and the performance you put on in Diagon Alley yesterday left little to interpretation."
Narcissa swallowed hard. She had hoped that wouldn't have circled back around to her sister yet, but perhaps that had been a foolish wish. Gossip spread unnaturally fast in the pureblooded community, and most of the Death Eaters Bellatrix surrounded herself with were pureblood. Even if it wasn't the Rowle matriarch who began the rumor, as Bellatrix's declaration about having eyes everywhere seemed to point to someone else, it still got to her sister regardless. "…Who saw us?"
"Does it matter?"
No. Perhaps it did not. Narcissa watched her sister consume what she had poured herself, the blonde's heart weighing heavy in her chest. "You're right," she finally admitted, because she couldn't keep lying to her sister. "I've never been like you— I could never hold my head up high and not care that I'm in an incestuous relationship. I was always ashamed of it, and I probably always will be. But that doesn't mean that changes how I feel about you, and that doesn't mean that I don't want to continue to hide away with you in the dark."
"That you're in an incestuous relationship?" Bellatrix countered with a disbelieving laugh. "I think you mean that you were."
While the logical part of her brained screamed to just let this lie, that this should be what she wanted, Narcissa's heart clenched in her chest as it ached for the woman she lost. In the end, she didn't know how to just be a sister to Bellatrix and she… she didn't want to. She wasn't ready. Not yet. "Bella, please. You've known me my whole life, I've always been in love with more than one person, and things didn't change then—"
Bellatrix exhaled a hard breath as though Narcissa's words had winded her. She stared at her, unblinking. "…You're in love with her?" And God, the amount of pain in Bellatrix's eyes shredded Narcissa's soul. What had she done to her? Narcissa barely recognized her anymore, yet it was her handiwork regardless.
Narcissa nodded though, not trusting her words. She knew she owed Bellatrix the truth, at the very least. Bellatrix just exhaled a sound that was no doubt supposed to be a bitter laugh, but it came out as more of a croak as she filled up her glass again.
"Bella, stop— stop drinking, please!" Narcissa exclaimed, trying to take the glass from her, but Bellatrix was too quick and grabbed it in her hand, exhaling a furious shout before she threw it, the glass shattering as it hit the wall. Narcissa jumped a mile, her heart lodging itself in her throat as the whiskey dripped down the wallpaper.
"How many fucking people do you need?!" Bellatrix shouted, her knuckles flashing white as she curled her hand into a fist. "Two wasn't sodding enough for you?! How many more people do you need to love you, how many people do you need to suck dry until you're fucking satisfied? You selfish whore, you greedy bitch—"
"It wasn't like that!" Narcissa tried to explain, because this wasn't a part of her BPD and her need to feel loved so that she felt worth something. "I mean— at first, yes, okay… I slept with Cassandra when you were in prison and when Lucius hated me because I needed someone. You were right back then— I didn't know how to be alone! But then… I broke up with her two weeks before I walked away from you, and I was alone for years. I only got back together with her because she was having a hard time with her husband cheating on her and I, admittedly, missed having a regular lover. It had been forever. But then we broke up again before you came back home, I told Lucius I couldn't sleep with him anymore either because I was trying to faithful to you—"
"Yeah, that worked out real well for you. Solid fucking effort, you useless sack— what did you last, three months until you jumped on Lucius' dick again?"
"That was once—" And only because she was angry with her. It wasn't like she went back to him or anything.
"And how long, huh, until you went back to her?" Bellatrix accused, and Narcissa's eyes fell downcast. "Well?"
"…Right after Lucius got arrested."
"Right, so you gave me… another two months, was it? But that's it— that's all the fucking effort you can expend apparently, because you've gotten it in your head that this is 'just the way you are' and that you 'have always loved more than one person', so the rest of us should just accept that, right? Because you're a spoiled fucking cunt, and should get whatever it is that you want, even if that means three people now."
"I can't help how I feel, Bellatrix! I didn't do this to hurt you!" Narcissa cried, as of course, of course she never wanted to break her sister's heart in this way. She loved her. "And I'm not— I'm not trying to have everything; Lucius is in prison, so at most this is me having two people just like I've had for most of my life—"
"So you think that makes it okay?" Bellatrix sneered, amazed at the sheer audacity Narcissa had as she tried to justify what she had done. "You think because you're replacing Lucius with that bitch I should just, what, accept it? You're ballsy, Cissy, I'll give you that, but I'm fucking tired of playing by your rules. You want me, lover? You want to pretend you still give a shit about me while you continue to run off and spread your legs for other people like the fucking whore that you are? That's fine, so long as you're fine with being treated like one. Considering I can't get anyone else to lick my cunt while my wanted poster is plastered everywhere, I suppose you'll have to do. What should we say— fifty galleons?"
Narcissa colored in offense, her breathing shallowing in anger. "—What?"
"No, you're right— you're too much of a pillow princess. You barely have to do any work, so maybe forty then. Sound fair?"
Narcissa's mouth was hanging open. She didn't even know what to say to that outside of a stammered, "How… dare you…!" which was immediately cut off as Bellatrix slammed her hand on the counter before advancing on her, a furious finger being pointed in her face. Narcissa stumbled backwards until she hit the wall, Bellatrix only mere inches from her face. The blonde's breathing shallowed.
"How dare me? How dare you! This is what you get, Cissy, this is what you fucking deserve, so take it or leave it!" she shouted, and Narcissa could not speak because what was she supposed to say to that? This probably was what she deserved, but that didn't mean she wanted to endure the punishment for it, despite knowing full-well that she would regardless, because her level of self-respect had always been in the toilet when it came to her sister.
Besides, Narcissa already knew that she'd just convince herself that if only she could show Bellatrix how much she meant to her, then maybe the other woman would realize that her relationship with Cassandra wasn't a threat and things would… things would go back to normal.
Already, Narcissa felt pathetic. Why couldn't she just let her go? Why did they both keep trapping each other in this madness, wouldn't they ever learn?
Bellatrix could see the resignation in her sister's eyes though and her lips spread into a cruel grin. "I will admit that this has given me one thing to be satisfied about. No matter how badly you might wish for a normal life, Cissy, you will never have one, because you are, and you always have been too weak to say no to me. Feel disgusted with yourself yet? Because if you don't, give it time— I'll make sure you get there one way or another."
Narcissa's eyes shone with upset, but she clenched her jaw, refusing to allow Bellatrix the satisfaction of her tears. "Do you?" she countered. "Because from where I'm standing, I just broke your heart, yet you can't bear to climb out of my bed. You want to see weakness, Bella? Look in the fucking mirror."
"Oh, I am, lover; you're just what I see staring back at me, and what you will always see staring back at you. We're the same, you and I— and I will make damn sure you never see your own reflection so long as I am breathing, because you robbed me of my sense of self a long time ago, Narcissa, and it's about time I returned the favor."
The blonde's chest heaved in upset at those words, but in the end she knew she could say nothing on her own behalf, because Bellatrix was right. They would never be free from one another because they were both weak, they were both pathetic, and they were going to spend the rest of their lives hating both each other and themselves for never allowing the freedom of change.
TBC…