I think I've mentioned this before, but I don't believe in superstition. I know that might sound ironic considering how much crap I get myself pulled into. Surely some kind of evil force must be at work for me to get screwed over so much, right?
I mean, I wish that was the case. Then I would have something to point the blame at. But instead it's just how my life is. And I can't really go around changing fate, as much as I want to. So it looks like it's the gutter for me.
I got another great example of this shitiness when I met Kagami Tsurugi.
Just because it's me, I'm sure you've already gathered that Miss Tsurugi and I didn't exactly get off to a great start. I mean, it's not like she was Chloé and acted like a piece of crap for no reason, or Lila and her antisocial personality disorder. She was more like… she tried to kill me straight off the bat. Even though that does happen a lot with me. What was different, however, was that she also thought I had superpowers for some reason. (Or maybe I do have them, considering my bad luck…)
Let's back-track a little. So I was having a normal afternoon, taking my dog Piss for a walk through the Place des Vosges. It was a lovely normal day, of course. Suddenly, Piss needed to, uh, piss, so we had to make a pit stop, nearby a tree. I looked away and let him do his business.
All of a sudden a girl walked by me. She gave me Zoro-energy: by that, I mean you knew she meant business just by looking at her. She seemed to be Japanese, with sharp yellow-brown eyes, and short dark blue hair swept to the left. She wore a white, long-sleeved blazer with black outlines. On the top right of her chest was an attached logo with some kanji on it. Underneath, she wore a black collared blouse with many gold buttons. She wore a red patterned skirt and black leggings, with some more crests thrown in. A deadly-looking saber was attached to her hip.
As I said before, the girl was kind of freaking me out, so I tried to ignore her. But of course, she turned to stare at me, eyes piercing my soul. Cue awkward silence.
"You…" she spoke. "Are you… a friend of Adrien Agreste?"
That question was enough to snap me back into reality. As you guys know, I don't usually don't respond well to questions about Adrien Agreste and/or Marinette Dupain-Cheng, especially in regards to my relationships with them.
"No," I answered.
"I have a feeling you're lying, Johnathan Couture," the girl said.
Oh piss off, I thought, pun not related to my dog in any way. People can tell when I'm 'lying' but they can't figure out the true identities of… you know what, forget it. Why am I even surprised by these people anymore? Also, how does everyone and their grandmother somehow know my name?!
"Well, I know the guy," I admitted. "Doesn't necessarily mean we're friends."
"Are you sure?" the girl asked. "He spoke quite highly of you."
I didn't even know how to react to that.
"What, are you friends with Adrien?" I asked instead.
"Not exactly," the girl replied. "In fact, he's my sparring partner." She grimaced. "One who defeated me."
Oh yeah, I thought. Doesn't Adrien do fencing or some shit?
I had the sudden realisation that Adrien was somehow smarter as himself than he was as Chat Noir. Figure that one out.
"Uh, that sucks, I guess…" I dug my hands in my pockets. "Could you… maybe, battle him again?"
"There's no such thing as a second chance in my family," she replied. Her expression darkened. "But that doesn't mean I can't have revenge."
Then, she literally got akumatized right in front of me. I'm serious. The akuma popped out of flipping nowhere and flew into her ring, covering her in a dark energy. I took a few big steps back and held up my arms, seeing her new form. Her skin was sliver and her eyes were blood-red. She wore a silver helmet with angular sides and a red circle on the center of the forehead with the kanji on it. Her body outfit was silver armor, with silver high-heel shoes. Her right hand seemed to be holding a sword-like extension with a triangular guard and a red circle bearing the kanji again.
"Not again…" I sighed.
"I am Riposte!" she declared, waving her saber in the air. "And since you're a close friend of Adrien… I'll take on you first, Johnathan Couture!"
"What?!" I demanded, falling on my ass. "I don't know how to duel! And Adrien's not my friend!"
Riposte pointed her saber at my neck, grinning evilly. Piss began barking at her, standing in front of me.
"Stupid dog," Riposte grumbled. She slashed her saber, sending him flying. He yelped like a puppy, crashing into a tree. And that snapped me out of my stupor.
"Hey," I growled, standing up. "You don't fucking mess with my dog." I called her something extremely rude in French. Then I realised how stupid that was, considering she had a deadly weapon, and I didn't. So after that masterful insult, I turned and ran, racing through the Place des Vosges.
"Don't you run from me!" Riposte shouted. She leaped into the air, landing right in front of me.
Dammit, I thought. Where are those bloody heroes when you need them?!
"Why are you trying to duel me and not Adrien?!" I roared. "Isn't he the one who defeated you or whatever?!"
"I've lost track of Adrien, but…" she smirked. "He's your friend. As long as you're around, he'll show up as well."
To be fair, that was probably the smartest thing any one of those idiots had actually ever said.
"But I can't fight you," I told her. "I don't know how to duel. It's not fair."
"You have other powers," Riposte told me, cocking her brow. "I've seen them." She chuckled. "That's the other reason why I want to fight you, Mr. Couture. I want to battle someone strong."
"Excuse me?" I asked. "What powers? My horrible bad luck?"
"You have the powers to slice up cars with your bare hands," she told me, swinging her saber. "You can move even faster than those heroes. You can jump from building to building. You're a superhuman!"
What the Hell…? I thought. Since when can I do that?!
"You've got the wrong guy," I shook my head. "I can't do all that stuff."
"Yes you can," Riposte pointed her sword at my neck again. "I saw you in the streets, Johnathan Couture! Just before I fought Adrien. All of those powers and more. Don't hide them from me."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," I raised a brow. "I don't have any powers."
Riposte gritted her teeth in frustration. "Are you brain dead?!"
Oh, the irony…
"Come on!" Riposte nearly sliced my head off out of pure frustration. "Don't lie to me! Show me your powers!"
Just as I was about to die for no real reason, a familiar yoyo wrapped itself around Riposte's sword-arm thing. It pulled, but it didn't come off.
"It's attached on there?" Ladybug asked, raising her brow. She landed nearby me.
"Hold on one moment, Johnathan," Riposte turned to Ladybug. "I need to deal with this little pest."
"Take all the time you need," I muttered, standing up. Riposte and Ladybug began fighting, shouting about the aforementioned defeat involving Adrien or whatever. Who cares. Meanwhile, your old pal John had a lot of things on his mind.
What the Hell was she talking about with all those powers? I thought. I don't have any powers… did she mistake me for someone else? Do I have a super-powered doppelganger running around or something?
I decided to sneak out of there while Riposte and Ladybug continued their duel. I ran over to Piss' body near the tree. Luckily, he was still alive, although he was panting heavily. My lip quivered.
"It's gonna be okay, buddy," I told him with my, uh, gentle voice, helping him stand up. "Come on. Let's go home."
Pistache whimpered painfully. I wasn't a vet or anything, but it seemed like he'd sprained his ankle. I flinched. I wasn't going to let him walk on that.
"Alright," I sighed, picking up my beloved but kind of fat French bulldog, "I'll help."
So there I was, running through Paris while carrying Piss like a baby. And let me tell you, that was the workout of all workouts. I think I was going to have to tell Mom to put him on a diet. And take him to the vet, of course. At least I could say I'd ran a marathon.
"Ugh, your breath stinks…" I looked down at his cute little face. "Do dogs take breath mints?"
He whimpered at me, making me feel bad again. Yeah, honestly, Piss got on my nerves a lot. I was more of a cat guy to be honest. But I still loved the stupid dog to pieces. Trust me, if I'd actually had fighting skills or any of those aforementioned powers, I would've beat the crap out of Riposte. Sadly, I wasn't that guy. All I could do was run home with my dog.
But of course, as I was walking through the busy streets of Paris, people giving me weird looks, you'll never guess who I ran into, limping down the street.
"John!" Adrien said, wearing what I was assuming was his fencing gear, judging by the saber attached to his hip. He gritted his teeth, nearly tripping over.
"You okay?" I asked, helping him steady, holding Piss with one arm.
"Yeah, uh, I'm looking for someone," Adrien told me. "Have you seen a Japanese girl with short, wavy hair and a white blazer?"
"In fact I have," I grunted. "Place des Vosges."
"Oh, thank you so much, John," Adrien smiled at me. He stared at Piss. "Is your dog okay?"
"Sprained his ankle," I told him. "By the way, the Japanese girl's been akumatized. She's going to try and kill you."
"I see," Adrien grimaced. "Her name's Kagami Tsurugi, by the way. Her family's been training in fencing for years, so I suppose it makes sense." He sighed. "Keep an eye out. I'll see you later, John."
He ran off, grunting as he limped again. I guess Piss wasn't the only one who sprained his ankle. Speaking of Piss…
Ugh, home's so far from here, I thought. I can't run all the way. I'll melt into a pool of idiot loser. Screw it, I'm texting Avril. She'll be home.
I pulled out my phone. I could've called her, but… I don't like calling people, so I decided to just text her instead. I sat down on a bench near a shop, letting Piss sit beside me. He panted up at me, looking pretty cute I suppose. It was a nice day at least, people walking by, still giving me weird looks. I don't mention it much, or maybe you've got the wrong impression, but I do love Paris a lot. I suppose I'm really really biased, but it's definitely the best city in the world, even if I can't stand half the people who live here.
But anyway, back to Piss. I texted Avril what was going on. She handled the situation well. And by well I mean not well.
Avril: MY BABY SPRAINED HIS ANKLE?! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU JOHNATHAN
So I had someone scarier than Riposte to worry about. Lucky me.
Well, I hope Riposte and the heroes keep their battle in the Place des Vosges, I thought. Knowing my luck… they won't, but for Piss' sake… just leave me alone this one goddamn time.
Then something... weird caught my eye. I saw a guy across the street who kind of looked like me. It was only for a second, so maybe I was imagining things, but I don't know… the guy did look exactly like me. But he disappeared as soon as he came, like a shadow or something.
What the Hell is going on? I thought, slapping myself in the face. I swear I'm losing my mind… that, or I've been high this whole time and blissfully unaware.
I petted Piss to try and calm down. "Do you think I'm going crazy, boy?"
He drooled all over the bench as a response.
"Yeah, that's what I thought," I sighed.
Wait, I frowned. That guy I just saw, if he's actually real, then what the Hell is he? A supervillain? Another hero? A bad cosplayer? Where did he come from…? Man, I hope he's just an illusion or trick of the light…
Riposte had mentioned superpowers. And for a second, I did kind of wish I was the guy she was speaking of. I wanted to be able to jump from building to building, slice up cars, or whatever else he did. It would've made it easier for me to run away. And carry my overweight smelly dog. Heck, maybe I would've even won a match of Ultimate Mecha Strike III against Max, or finally finish sewing my scarf.
I really am losing my mind, I thought. Come on Avril, hurry up before-
"AH HA!"
Of course, just my luck. Ladybug, Chat Noir, and Riposte came flying down the street. Both the superheroes were combating her long saber, going back and forth. As usual, they came dangerously close to nearly decapitating me.
Maybe I should pick up fencing, I thought, shrivelling into the bench. Then I'll have something to protect myself with. I frowned. Though there's no way in Hell I'm going to a fencing class with Adrien.
All I could do was protectively hold my arms in front of Piss. The sprained ankle was enough, thank you very much. Then of course, Chat Noir flew towards me. He crashed into the bench, and would've tipped it over if Piss and I weren't sitting there. He brushed himself off, using the bench to pull himself up. His leg wobbled.
"Oh, hey, pal," he grinned at me.
I swear if he calls me pal one more time-
"What are you doing here?" he asked, his weird cat ear things twitching. Were those things real or fake? "It's dangerous. You should be going home."
The urge to punch him in the face was so fucking hard to resist. Listen, I was not in the mood, okay?
"I'm waiting for someone," I ground out.
"Here, of all places?" he asked.
"It's not my fault you decided to bring your little spat here," I uttered.
Chat Noir chuckled, holding out his staff. His bad leg wobbled. "I guess so."
Something about him was really rubbing me the wrong way. I was in one of my 'dangerous salty' moods, which was bad news for everyone. Another side of me emerged from my psyche.
"Hey," I stared at his leg. "Y'know what's funny?"
"What is?" he asked.
"Someone I know quite well, Adrien Agreste, also has a sprained ankle," I told him. "Pretty big coincidence, huh, Chat Noir?"
Chat Noir went pale. "Oh, uh, yeah! Ahaha!"
I was about to say something else, but Riposte was racing towards us, saber out. A sneer was on her face.
"Johnathan Couture!" she roared, eyes on me. "I heard you mention Adrien Agreste! Where is he?"
Up your ass, I almost said. Instead, I blurted,
"Louvre Museum," I stuttered.
"Louvre Museum…" Riposte tapped her chin. "Of course, that makes sense."
Honestly, why was I even surprised to be relieved. Somehow these people continued to subvert my expectations.
"Ah, John!" Ladybug hissed at me, waving her arms. "Why would you say that?! It's full of people!"
"It's the first place I thought of…" I chuckled nervously.
Plus, I want you idiots getting out of my hair, I groaned internally.
"We aren't done yet, Johnathan," Riposte glared at me, the damn Zoro knockoff. "I'll be back for you in the future. You can't keep your powers a secret forever."
"What powers?" I demanded, but she was already leaving, using her sword to zoom down the street.
Joke's on her, if I had powers, I wouldn't be keeping them a secret, I smirked to myself.
"Ugh," Ladybug groaned. "We can't let her go to the Louvre, there's too many people! We have to stop her!"
Chat Noir nodded in agreement. Then he turned to me.
"What did she mean by powers?" he asked, brow raised.
"Heck if I know," I shrugged. "I think she got me mixed up with some other guy."
"Some other guy?" Ladybug asked, gasping. "That must mean there's someone with super powers running around. They could be an akumatized villain."
"How do you know that?" I asked. "You guys have superpowers and you aren't bad guys."
"You're right, but that doesn't mean they're not an akumatized villain," Ladybug shook her head. "But we can't worry about that now. Come on, Chat Noir, we have to stop Riposte!"
She swung her yoyo, using it to propel herself forward. She was gone in seconds.
But it seemed Chat Noir wasn't done with me.
"John…" he raised his brow.
"Look, you have to go," I crossed my arms. "Ladybug's waiting for you."
"Right, right," he shook his head, holding out his staff. He looked over his shoulder. "When we were fighting back in the Place des Vosges, Riposte talked about you there. Something about you having the power to slice up cars."
"Yeah, look, I really think she's talking about a different guy," I told him. "Honestly, I wish I had powers, but I don't."
Chat Noir shrugged. "Yeah." He put his staff over his shoulder. "I'll see ya later, John. Stay safe."
Please no, I sighed, watching him follow Ladybug. I honestly never want to see you again, but here we are, I suppose.
Piss whimpered at me. Considering how much crap my legs had been through helping me run away from stuff, I felt bad for the fella.
I leaned against the bench. Ugh, Avril, hurry the Hell up…
Then I saw him again. It was in the corner of my eye, but it was undoubtedly him, my doppelganger, the guy that had superpowers. Once again, it was only for a second, but he was closer this time. But as soon as I blinked, he was gone again.
I really am losing my mind… I groaned.
No. I couldn't keep passing it off as a hallucination. If the Butterfly man was real, maybe this guy was too.
So I stood up, narrowing my eyes at the alleyway across the road. Come on, you idiot, don't hide from me.
But of course, all I got were more weird looks from strangers. I slumped back into the bench.
Forget it, I sighed, patting Piss again. A watched pot never boils. He'll show up again when I'm not ready.
"JOHNATHAN COUTURE."
Oh shit biscuits. I sat right up, facing Avril standing above me, arms folded across her chest. Holy crap, she was way scarier than my mom when she got mad. Sorry Mom. She made Riposte look like nothing.
"Hello," I tried to smile.
"What did you do to him?" Avril asked, like she was going to freaking stab me or something. She clutched Piss protectively.
"Look, he got caught up in an akuma attack," I told her, slinking back. "But we can take him to the vet, right?"
"An akuma attack?" Avril clasped her hands together. "Hmm… why didn't you protect him?"
"I tried, Avril," I spat. "But I'm not some superhero. I can't save everyone."
Avril breathed out. "Oh, you're right. Sorry, John, you know how I feel about my children getting in danger." She picked up Piss. "Come on, let's go to the vet."
I followed her down the streets, trying to forget about the guy I saw. For now.