A/N: Real life is hard. We have all experienced pain, loss, and challenges we thought might break us. When I set out to write this Darvey AU I wanted to do justice to that. I wanted to tell a story where love isn't always easy and people make mistakes. Where growth and forgiveness are key components to building something real that will last. This is the penultimate chapter, and an important piece in their journey. Thank you again for all the amazing love and support and to my betas Heather, Steph, Nat, and Sarah for helping turn ideas in my head -into words on the page.
Chapter 20 - Distance
Before Donna even makes it to the elevator, she stops to catch her breath. She's so furious about Harvey's accusation that she has forgotten how to breathe properly. She steadies herself with a hand on the wall outside his apartment as tears stream down her face. His comment had cut deep, and while a third party observer may see a woman scorned, it was the pain his words had caused that really had her spiraling.
Once she catches her breath she continues down the hallway and pushes the button frantically in hopes of it quickening the car's arrival. She doesn't look over her shoulder. She's afraid he will be there watching her go, or coming after her, or worst of all, that he won't be there at all.
When the doors finally open, she climbs in without a single look back and rides the elevator down while wiping away the constant tears. God Damnit. What had happened up there?
Before she reaches the lobby, Donna leans against the wall and closes her eyes, but what she finds in the darkness only unsettles her more. Harvey's eyes. There was so much pain. He had tried, she had seen it. He was fighting the anger and pain brewing inside him from the moment she'd stepped out onto that balcony. But instead of accusing her, he'd simply asked for an explanation. She had kept something from him. She had hurt him and he had lashed out. Had she just done the same?
"He's never been in love before, Donna. He's kept his heart guarded for so long now."
"Just, be careful with him, okay?"
When the elevator dings to signal its arrival at the lobby, the doors open, but Donna doesn't step out. She stands there blinking repeatedly as Gordon's words replay in her mind. And as the doors slowly begin to close, she reaches for the button and composes herself before she begins the climb back up to Harvey's floor.
In her heart, she knows that he didn't mean what he said. He had been her biggest fan since the moment he first saw her on stage, and he had told her again and again that she was destined for greatness. He was just scared. Scared of giving too much and then losing it all. Just the way she had been terrified of falling in love with him. Of his success, his fame, his career.
Maybe if she had trusted him to understand, maybe if she had shown a little more faith in him, maybe if—
The elevator dings again and this time when the doors slide apart, Donna finds herself looking straight into the eyes of a panic-stricken Harvey.
The two stand there blinking until the doors start to shut again. Harvey's hand darts up from his side to stop the closing doors, and they reverse direction at the contact.
"You came back." His voice is hoarse and barely louder than a whisper.
Donna can see that his pupils are dilated, and his chest is heaving noticeably.
"Harvey? Harvey are you okay?" She steps out of the elevator and takes both his hands in hers. Although she hadn't experienced his last panic attack first hand, she has a feeling she's witnessing one now.
"Let's get you back inside." She places her hand on his back and guides him back toward his apartment.
"I'm... so... sorry." He tries to stop and face her but Donna isn't having it. His eyes are still bulging and his breathing is erratic. She can't begin to guess what his heart rate must be.
"If you're really sorry, you'll shut up and get back inside. You are scaring me half to death."
"I ... I was coming…"
"I can see that, Harvey." Donna's own voice is weak. Seeing him this way is tearing her apart. Her strong, confident, powerful Harvey, reduced to stuttering, stumbling, and shaky hands.
…...
She came back.
The phrase keeps repeating in his mind, over and over.
The cool hand she lays on the back of his neck feels like lowering himself into an ice bath after a tough workout. It soothes him even more than the gentle tone of her voice.
By the time he sits down on the sofa, his breathing has slowed significantly and he's able to draw in his first deep breath of air after drinking from the water glass Donna hands him.
She came back.
Harvey closes his eyes and begins counting down from ten. Concentrating on slowing his heart in an effort to sync the beats with his cadence. He places his hand on Donna's, which is lightly squeezing his knee, and he laces his fingers through hers as he opens his eyes and his vision clears. The pounding in his ears steadies. His breathing, gradually, returns to normal.
"You came back." He repeats the words, this time his voice is more steady than before.
"Just drink." Donna gently pushes the glass in his hand back toward his mouth.
Not wanting to start another argument, he does as he's told and empties the glass in a few large gulps. As he places the glass on the table in front of them, he closes his eyes and takes in one last deep breath and blows it out slowly through his barely parted lips, counting up this time from one to ten.
"Donna—" He turns his body toward her on the couch.
"Harvey—" She tries once again to stop him from talking but this time he's not having it.
"Donna. Just… let me talk, please." He takes both her hands and squeezes them lightly. Not only had he been a complete asshole, but he'd scared her half to death with his fucking hyperventilating. "I'm fine. I promise." He waits for her to look back up to his eyes. "See, I'm fine."
She nods and he can feel the tension in her body give way. Like she'd been holding her breath for hours and can finally exhale, her breath hitching as she tries to match his calm tone.
"Okay." Her eyes are still glistening with unshed tears and it breaks him even more.
"I'm so sorry, Donna." His voice is sincere, that deep rich tone he only uses from time to time, and she opens her mouth to speak, but he tilts his head with a warning and she closes it. A single tear rolls down her face and he lifts his hand to touch her. His strong fingers slide to the back of her neck and rest in her hair as he strokes her flushed cheek with his thumb.
"You are incredibly talented." It comes out like a whisper, like a secret he doesn't want to be overheard. "You could do anything, be anything, and I hate myself for belittling that."
His eyes fill again as the horrible insinuation he'd made resurfaces in his consciousness.
"I know you earned this, Donna. No one believes in you and your talent more than I do." Harvey scoots a little closer to her as he continues to run his thumb across her face. "Seeing you on that stage takes my breath away every single time. It's who you are, where you belong."
"I belong with you, Harvey."
His breath lodges in his throat. There is nothing she possibly could have said in this moment that would have meant more to him than that. He just blinks, unable to find words worthy of the love he feels for her. So instead of responding, he pulls her close. Wraps her in his arms and holds her, pinching his eyes closed and fighting the need to let out all of his fears, all his insecurities, and just sob in her arms like a child.
The couple sits quietly for several minutes. Both lost in their own thoughts trying to process everything that had transpired between them tonight. She's going to take this job. He knows it. He wouldn't let her turn it down if she tried. But she loves him, and he loves her. And they are going to be okay.
Harvey scoots himself back against the arm of the couch and pulls Donna up next to him. She lays her head on his chest as the two make themselves comfortable. Deciding enough words had been said tonight, they just lay in silence. Donna caressing his chest, and Harvey running his hands through her hair. It had been a long week and a very emotional evening, and before the clock reached 9:00 pm, they were both fast asleep.
…
Donna wakes in the morning to the sound of Harvey working in the kitchen. The curtains are drawn but the July sun is already shining brightly and casting a glow on the bedroom. She has a vague memory of Harvey waking her in the middle of the night and relocating them from the living room to the bedroom, but it's all a bit hazy now.
Before she's fully awake, Harvey walks back into the room wearing only a pair of baggy sweatpants and carrying a steaming cup of coffee. No woman has ever laid eyes on a sight more glorious than this.
"Good morning." His sexy smirk and dark eyes stir something primal in her core, and she's pretty sure he must be flexing his pecs on purpose.
"Good morning." She tries for seductive but it comes out more like groggy.
"I have to head to the stadium in a little over an hour. I thought we could have some breakfast and... talk." He hands her the mug and casts his eyes on the floor.
She hasn't forgotten about last night, and she knows they need to talk. But honestly, there is a small part of her that just wants to pretend it didn't happen.
"Okay," she responds after a brief hesitation. "I'll be out in a few minutes."
When Donna takes a seat at the small table, she's impressed with what Harvey pulled together after being away for several days.
"This looks delicious." She smiles up at him as he pours her a glass of juice.
"Thanks." He winks down at her. "Omelettes were a necessity in college. Eggs are all protein and they are cheap." He chuckles as he returns the juice to the refrigerator and then takes a seat across from her.
Something about the domesticity of the moment coupled with the sound of his laugh fills Donna with a warmth that starts in her chest and spreads out through her entire body.
Neither of them seems to want to start the talk. Either that, or they are both just starving. They hadn't had a real meal last night and eating is a great excuse for not talking.
Finally, Donna breaks the silence and catches Harvey completely off guard.
"I'm sorry, Harvey."
"Donna—"
"No, Harvey. Don't Donna me" She wags her finger at him. "Last night I let you talk. Now it's my turn."
Harvey puts his hands up jokingly and sits back in his chair.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the job offer sooner." Donna looks through the glass door to the balcony, trying to remember all the good reasons she had. "I meant everything I said last night, but I know there was more to it than that. I was afraid. At least a part of me was." She turns her head back to face him and she can see the sadness in his eyes.
"Afraid? Of me?"
"Not of you. Harvey. But of the way you might react." She hates saying it out loud because she knows he loves her and he would never intentionally hurt her.
"You mean because I acted like such an ass before?" There is no bite to his statement. No bitterness, just honesty. "And then I went and proved you right? Shit, Donna. I'm so sorry." He props his elbow on the table and rubs his hand over his face.
"Harvey." She reaches across the table and lays her hand on his. "I know you didn't mean the things you said last night. And I also know that it was a terrible way for you to find out. And that's on me." She squeezes his hand and he looks back up at her. "How about from now on, we don't hold back? We tell each other the hard truths, no matter how scary it might be."
Harvey clenches his jaw and nods. Running his other hand through his hair, he exhales loudly.
"I don't ever want you to be afraid to tell me something." He scoots his chair around to the side of the table so he can take both her hands. "I need you to know that you are the most important thing in the world to me. Anyone else ever loses faith in me, it doesn't matter." Harvey looks down at their joined hands and then back up into her eyes. "But with you... it's different."
The lump in Donna's throat is accompanied by a skip in her chest.
"If there's anyone I have faith in, Harvey, it's you."
The love she sees in his eyes at this moment speaks louder than a thousand I love yous. They are like windows into his soul and the love he feels for her shines through them like the bright morning sun. And she knows. She knows that they will be okay.
Donna stands and pulls him up to his feet. Burying her face into his firm chest, she relishes the comfort of his strong arms enveloping her.
"I love you, Harvey."
"I love you, too."
When Donna was a little girl she was very close to her maternal grandfather. He used to tell her over and over, What comes easy won't last, and what lasts won't come easy. She didn't really understand it as a child, and as she grew up, she always thought it applied to her career. About working hard for what she wanted and not seeking the quick buck like her father always had.
But as the relief of Harvey's embrace calms her nerves, and the sincerity of his words fills her heart, she realizes her grandpa's advice had nothing to with money or jobs. He was talking about love. Real love.
They eventually move to the couch to continue their conversation and Donna fills Harvey in on all the details. At least the ones she knows. She would head out to L.A. in a week to read the script and meet the director. If she was happy with how all of that went, she would accept the role. Filming would begin in August and she would most likely be in California for about two months.
Donna can see the flash in his eyes when she mentions being gone for that long. She can see the way his lips pull tightly when he tries to smile, making it look like more of a wince than anything else. She loves him so much that a small voice in the back of her mind almost convinces her this is a mistake. That she should stay here with him. That she can't just leave and miss the rest of his season. But deep down she knows this is something she needs to do.
She reaches for his hand when he seems to drift off, staring blankly at the empty fireplace.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes," Harvey responds with a sigh as he turns back to face her. "I am so happy for you. I really am… but we said hard truths, right?"
Donna swallows and nods and her stomach flops like a fish out of water.
"This isn't going to be easy," he continues, clenching and relaxing his jaw. "Being thousands of miles apart. For weeks. Months. It isn't going to be easy."
"What comes easy won't last, and what lasts won't come easy." The words just roll off her tongue.
"What was that?" Harvey tilts his head.
"It's something my grandfather used to say." Donna reaches up and places her soft palm on Harvey's cheek. Still rough from the day of travel yesterday. "Nothing about being in love is easy, Harvey. But what we have is strong enough to get through this, and anything else life might throw at us."
She leans in and kisses him softly, just at the corner of his mouth where his upper lip meets his lower one. And then again, on the lips. Letting her tongue slip through his, just barely, before pulling away.
"We got this," she whispers.
Harvey leans in and lays his forehead against hers, smiling.
"We got this."
….
The next few weeks pass in a blur. Donna makes the trip to Los Angeles and is completely swept off her feet by the entire experience. The studio, the cast, the palm trees. She loves everything about it. Well, except the absence of Harvey. She accepts the role and is blown away by the compensation. She will make more in 2 months on set than she had in 2 years on stage.
Harvey, on the other hand, has struggled a bit with their new normal. Donna did return to New York for a couple of weeks after her initial trip, but it went by in a flash and then she was gone again. Some nights, like tonight, he sips on a glass of scotch on the balcony and wonders how he ever thought his life was perfect before. The way he used to scoff at Tanner and even Mike for being whipped or tied down. And now the loneliness aches like a tooth that needs to be pulled and he just counts the days until his upcoming trip to L.A. She was supposed to call once she got home, but it was getting late.
"Hey." He picks up the phone with a smile when her call finally comes in.
"Hey. Sorry, it's late."
Just the sound of her voice melts his insides. He plays it cool whenever they talk because he knows she's loving it out there and the last he wants is her worrying about him.
"I haven't been home long." He sips on the amber liquid in his glass. "How was your day?"
"Incredible. I mean, overwhelming, but incredible. I'm still adjusting to all the people, and the cameras, the lights. It's a completely different world." He hears her moving things around before she continues. "I saw you guys won tonight?"
"Yeah. 5 games up now. We'd have to really go in the shitter to lose it at this point."
"Well, you better keep that from happening because I plan to be home for the play-offs."
Hearing her talk about coming home makes him smile into his glass.
"I'll do my best." He chuckles softly.
"I can't wait for you to come out here!" Donna says excitedly. "Thirteen more days."
The way his heart flutters at the idea that she's counting down makes him feel like he's in junior high. He's also been ticking the days off on his calendar, but knowing she's doing the same is comforting.
"Twelve and half, actually, but who's counting?"
"I miss you, too, Babe." She giggles.
…
When the team checks into the hotel in Anaheim, Harvey can't get out of there quick enough. He has been given permission to miss the team meeting this evening so he can go and surprise Donna on set. It's a forty-five minutes drive to Santa Monica and the Uber will cost him an arm and a leg but he'd gladly give a kidney to see her right now.
The current plan, as far as she knows, is for them to meet at her condo tonight once she wraps for the day. It will be the first night they get to spend together in weeks and he plans to make the most of it. He had made a call to an old Harvard teammate who is now an Amazon Executive, and he agreed to meet up with Harvey and bring him on set.
The entire ride to L.A., his fingers drum nervously on his knee. He can remember being this excited since he and Marcus bolted down the stairs as kids to see what Santa had brought for them. He can't wait to see the look on Donna's face when she sees him there.
It's not until Flynn parks the golf cart just outside the studio that the first flash of doubt strikes like a bolt of lightning.
"Something wrong?" his friend asks with a puzzled expression when Harvey stops following him.
What if this was a bad idea?
"No. It's nothing."
As they walk through the back entrance on to the set, Harvey sees exactly what Donna had meant. There are people moving in every direction and lights, cameras, and sound equipment everywhere. There are more people just working behind the scenes here then could fit in the Ambassador Theatre.
As they walk around, Flynn introduces Harvey to half a dozen people, but he's hardly aware of any of it. He can't seem to shake this ominous feeling that maybe showing up here unannounced wasn't the best idea he'd ever had.
Considering Donna's role in the film, watching her work might not be fun for him after all. He had been so excited just to see her, to surprise her, that the image of what he might actually witness, hadn't occurred to him until this very moment. And the fact that he has yet to spot Thomas or Donna only tightens the knot forming in his gut.
"Looks like our timing is perfect." Flynn turns and offers Harvey a grin. "She's filming right now."
He gestures out beyond the plethora of cameras and lights to a scene that looks like an almost exact replica of Donna's dressing room in New York.
The first thing he notices is how beautiful she looks. Her hair and makeup, like that of a Hollywood star, her skin sparkles under the overhead lighting. It's not the first time the sight of her leaves him breathless. Then just like the way a fantasy can turn into a nightmare with the snap of your fingers, enter Kessler. They are too far away to hear the dialogue, and it appears that whatever Thomas is saying is meant to be whispered anyway, but what happens next has Harvey's breakfast lurching up into his throat.
Donna swings her palm at Thomas's face but he catches her wrist before she makes contact. They stare each other down and even from this distance, the heat between them is palpable.
He knows what's coming but it doesn't mean he's prepared for it. Thomas's lips come crashing down on hers as he backs her into the dressing table. Harvey just watches and strangely the main focus of his mind is the sheer size of Kessler and the way he dwarfs Donna. She nearly vanishes into him.
"Cut!"
A voice yells out and the scene stops. Just like that. The two actors pull apart and several people start bustling around the set. The director walks out and speaks to the two of them while Harvey leans on the wall for support.
"Damn! That was hot." Flynn chuckles. "She's amazing!"
"Yeah." Harvey offers a weak smile. "She sure is."
"You look a little pale there, Specter." His friend slaps his shoulder and laughs. "Could be worse, at least it's not a sex scene."
Giving his friend the middle finger as a response to that, he grabs a bottle of water from the table beside them and drinks the entire thing without taking a breath.
Harvey doesn't understand what the fuck this director wants, but they continue to shoot the same damn scene over and over. He's beginning to feel like he's a prisoner of war suffering the effects of psychological warfare.
It's after the fourth tortuous take that he finally tells everyone to take five.
And that is when she spots him. The second her eyes land on his he watches her entire face light up. Like a brand new bulb being screwed into the socket, and in that very moment, all the angst built up inside him vanishes. Poof. Just like that.
Donna races through the crowd of people, dodging cameras and booms along the way, and leaps into his embrace. The kiss she plants on his lips isn't on camera, no one is watching or evaluating, there are no lights or microphones. There is just her and him. And he pours himself into it with everything he has. God, he's missed her.
"What are you doing here? Oh my God! Look at you! Feel my heart!" She rambles excitedly as she lays his palm on her chest and he can feel the way it's pounding wildly. Beating out of her chest. For him.
He smiles back at her, completely and utterly dumbfounded by her love for him. But his smile fades as the excitement he feels gives way to guilt for the jealousy he had once again succumbed to just moments before.
And Donna being Donna, she sees it. And her smile fades as well.
"It's just acting, Harvey." She's hurt. Offended. And it breaks him.
"I know, Donna." He reaches for her but she pulls back.
"Places, everyone!" The director bellows. "Let's get it right this time, people!"
"I have to go."
She walks away without even looking back at him and he pinches the bridge of his nose and wishes for a drink. Somehow he's so talented at being an asshole, he doesn't even need to open his mouth to put his foot in it.
The next take is over before it begins. Donna is clearly shaken and she walks off the set announcing she needs a few minutes.
Flynn had disappeared a while ago and Harvey had been watching on his own. So when he sees Donna leave the building, he chases after her.
"Donna!" He calls when he gets outside. "Donna, wait!"
At first, he thinks he's going to have run after her, but she turns on a dime and starts stalking back in his direction.
"Why did you come here, Harvey?" She lifts her hands in the air and drops them dramatically, clearly exasperated. "If it's so hard for you, why did you come?"
"I came because I couldn't go another minute without seeing you. Without holding you. Without looking into those beautiful eyes." He steps forward. Tentatively closing the short distance left between them. Testing the waters.
"I'm here because I love you." He takes the last step needed to reach her and takes her hand. She doesn't respond and just blinks rapidly at him. But her eyes soften and he sees her frustration dissipate.
"I know it's acting, Donna. And you're brilliant. Your talent takes my breath away. And just because I act like an overgrown child from time to time, doesn't mean I don't get that." He reaches up to caress her cheek with his thumb the way he often does.
"Now get back on that set, and show them just what Donna Paulsen is made of."
She accepts his apology by wrapping her arms around him and kissing him softly on the lips.
"When we get to the hotel later, I'm going to remind you about the difference between fiction and reality. Over and over and over." She bites his lip before pulling away.
"God, I hope so," Harvey says to her back as she saunters back on to the set, leaving him with a burning sensation in his groin.
…
Donna has Sunday off and she is ecstatic that she will be able to make Harvey's afternoon game in Anaheim. They would even get to have dinner together and spend the night in his hotel. While she is beyond excited, there is also a feeling of sadness just below the surface. Tomorrow he will be on a plane to Seattle and then home to New York. She won't see him for another three weeks.
As she walks into the stadium, she is overwhelmed with a sense of comfort. She's never been to an Angels game, so it's not that. It's the smell of the fresh grass, the beer, and the peanuts. It just smells like baseball, and that means Harvey.
She walks up to the side of the bullpen where she sees him stretching with the rubber bands he uses before the games.
"Oh my God! Is it really you? Harvey Specter! Can I have your autograph? On my chest?" She calls out to him giving her best fangirl impression and making him laugh out loud.
"Sure, Red." He raises an eyebrow at her. "Just meet me in the parking lot after the game, and I'll give you more than just an autograph to remember me by." He winks and makes Donna giggle.
They had spent the most amazing night together on Thursday and she hadn't stopped thinking about it since. They had made love over and over again. They talked, and laughed, and kissed. It had been the perfect night in every way.
He had apologized again for his reaction to the filming, but he had promised her that even though it may be hard for him to watch, it has nothing to do with a lack of trust or faith in what they have. And that was all she had needed to hear. She wouldn't want to watch him put his mouth on another woman, no matter what the circumstances, so she figured she should cut him a little slack.
She was bubbling with excitement the entire game, knowing that she had great news to share with him at dinner tonight. Selfishly, she was a little happy that the game was low scoring and quick. And even though it was too bad they lost, it meant the game was half of an inning shorter and Harvey wouldn't be exhausted from pitching. A win-win-loss in her mind, even though she'd never admit that to Harvey.
…..
They sit down for dinner at The Ranch, which is a favorite of Harvey's. He made a point of eating here every time the team came to Anaheim. He orders a bottle of wine and tries not to give in to the aching in his gut knowing their time together is coming to an end.
"I have some great news." Donna sips on her wine and looks up at her through her lashes. "I almost brought it up the other night, but it wasn't a sure thing yet."
"You're running away and becoming a full-time groupie of mine?" He gives her his best sexy smile and she almost spits out her wine on the table. "Hey, I was being serious." Harvey furrows his brow and pouts playfully.
"I've accepted another role." Donna blurts it out like she just can't keep it in a second longer.
Her eyes sparkle with such joy and anticipation that he forces the bile down and smile back. He will not let his fears or insecurities fuck things up again.
"That's amazing, Donna!" He's pretty sure he means it.
"It's a dream role for me, Harvey."
He swallows the lump in his throat and clenches his fist below the table.
"Well, tell me! What is it?"
"Glinda." She beams as she waits for his response.
The wheels in his head spin so quickly he's afraid he might blow a gasket. Glinda? Glinda? Glinda the Good Witch?
He's in shock as the reality of what she's telling him takes hold. He's almost afraid to believe it.
"Wicked?" He whispers like he's worried someone might overhear. "As in… Broadway?"
She just claps her hands in front of her and nods repeatedly. "A two-year contract."
"You're coming home?" He can hardly get the words out. "For good?"
"I'm coming home, Harvey. For good."
Harvey feels like he is floating a few inches above his seat through the rest of the meal. The colors look brighter, the food tastes richer, shit, even the country music sounds better. Donna takes her great news and makes it even greater by explaining to Harvey that she doesn't think Hollywood is for her. She misses the live audience and the intimacy of performing with a smaller cast and crew. As wonderful as this experience has been, she belongs on the stage. And selfish as it may be, he couldn't agree more.
…
The moment Donna sees Harvey off in the morning, she calls Mike. An idea had come to her yesterday at the Angels game and she's hoping Mike might be able to help her make it a reality.
"Hey, Mike!"
"Donna! This is a nice surprise. I heard you're coming back to New York. Told you nice weather was overrated."
"You heard already? I haven't even had a chance to call Rachel."
"Harvey texted me. Pretty sure he did it at dinner when you went to the bathroom." Mike chuckles. "Such a pussy."
"Hey!" She was going to say He's my pussy. But luckily she caught herself. "He could take your ass, and you know it."
"Fair enough. So, what's up? Everything okay?"
"Actually, I have a favor to ask." She bites her lip suddenly second-guessing herself. "A big one."
"Anything for you, Donna."
"Do you know anyone in Public Relations for the Yankees?"
"Suuure." She can hear the curiosity in his voice and it makes her grin.
"Okay, I need you to set up something for me for the first home playoff game. But, Mike you have to promise to keep it a secret."