Warning :There is mention of self-harm in this chapter.
Arthur sat alone on his bed, he had dismissed Merlin for the evening, he just needed to be alone for a while. No one fretting over him. His heart missed a beat when he realised, he is missing Merlin beside him. He felt fed up with the constant need to have someone next to him, to tell him that everything would be alright.
He curled into himself. Arthur rubbed at his eyes again. Everything was too much and to numb at the same time. Thoughts run trough his head at lighting fast speed and he just could not grasp them, to analysis how he is feeling and how he should deal with this.
He could feel his heart rate starting to beat faster and his breathing become too fast. And he tries his best to control it, but it is just not possible. He could feel the tears on his face as he realises, he does not know how to cope with this anymore. He just wanted silence that he could control for a moment.
Arthur pulls his knees up to his chest and warps his arms around his knees hiding his face in his arms.
Pathetic, weak, useless.
The words slowly started to build in his own head, getting louder and louder. He did not even realise when he started to sob. His nails dug into his arms, breaking the skin from the pressure. This is his fault; he was not strong enough to handle the situations better. Slowly he started to scratch at his own arms. The pain slowly grounded him.
When he realised what he did he could feel the shame immediately. His skin was broken on places. There would be no why he would be able to hide it from Merlin. He falls back onto the bed, just blankly staring up.
The morning came to fast for Arthur, who did not sleep a wink. His eyes were puffy from crying and lack of sleep. He could feel the headache starting to bloom. This was his own fault. If…
If only he had done better.
Arthur closed his eyes when Merlin slowly pushed the door open, he knows he would more than likely not fool Merlin, but he just wanted a moment of peace. He could hear Merlin sitting the tray down on the table, and then the normal 'rise and shine' made its way over to his bed as Merlin opened the curtains.
Arthur did not respond to it. Merlin made his why to Arthur's bed, he had the suspicion that Arthur was awake.
Merlin could immediately see the puffiness to Arthur's eyes. "Arthur?" He made sure to keep his voice low. Arthur slowly opened his eyes. Arthur adverted his eyes when he saw Merlin, the shame was still settled deep.
Merlin sat down next to him. "What happened last night Arthur?" he keeps his voice soft. There was no need to do blaming when he could see that Arthur was worked up and did not want to talk about it.
Arthur could not find it in himself to answer Merlin.
Merlin gently tip his chin up so that he would be able to look Arthur in the eyes. "Whatever it is, I will not blame you." The soothing tone made Arthur looked to his bedding. His arms where still under the blankets and he could not find it in himself to show them to Merlin. He knows deep down that Merlin will not judge him, but he still could not help but fear that this would push their friendship away. How does anyone be saddled with someone who could not even control their own emotions?
The silence stretches into an uncomfortable one.
Suddenly there was a rush of sorry coming from Arthur. Merlin could barley figure out why he would say that when he suddenly saw Arthur's arm. The wounds where already starting to heal as it was not deep into the skin, but he could see on a few places where it deep enough to draw blood and near the elbows there where crescents that looked like fingernails. Merlin could feel the regret starting to form for leaving Arthur alone.
"Arthur?" The question was clear in his eyes and for a moment did Arthur just wanted someone to know what is going on his head.
"My fault." His breathing was fast. Arthur's eyes darted all over the room. "It is my fault Merlin, for everything. I am nothing more than useless, I am weak. If I only did better, then nothing off this would have happened. I should have tried harder to convince father not to go after them, that is would not have been worth it, then maybe not so many people would have been killed. It is my fault Merlin. I deserved it, I deserved it to be hurt, father was right to be angry with me…" Merlin pulled Arthur against his chest before he could continue.
"Arthur, I need you to listen to me. This was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You did your best, but you were outnumbered in the council room. Not one of the people in your kingdom holds you accountable for what happened. They heard by the other servants how hard you fought to keep them safe. And they are proud of you Arthur. You already show you would make a wonderful King one day, because you would always try and protected them, and they know it now for a fact." Merlin whispered into Arthur's ear.
Merlin just hold Arthur as his tears slowly sank into his tunic.