The camera opened on a very Ben Stein-looking fellow, sitting behind a desk, as the lights came up.
"Good day," the gentleman greeted, "I'm H.A. Futterman, former professor of broadcast standards at Kids WB. It was recently decided that "Relax-O-Vision" would be dusted off and given a test run integration with another beloved pop culture franchise, the Japanese anime known as Neon Genesis Evangelion. For those of you unaware, "Relax-O-Vision" was a process developed in the mid-1990's. Its purpose is to insert calming, mirthful images into scenes that might be too intense for the kiddos watching at home on their devices. Now settle back, and be prepared to enjoy the first-ever re-airing of a classic Japanese anime series in calming, safe, and more kid-friendly "Relax-O-Vision"."
Freakazoid appeared over the image of Futterman, looked over his shoulder for a moment, and then turned back to us with a shrug.
"Sorry in advance, folks," Freakazoid said apologetically. "This was written into my contract. Don't worry, it's only temporary, and if the audience doesn't like it, it's gone. Now on with the story!"
Episode 18 - Angels with Unlucky Numbers, Part 3
Gendo awoke the following morning, part of him anticipating the day's events to come (thanks to his consulting of the Dead Sea Scrolls). What he didn't anticipate when he opened his closet doors was every single one of his uniform jackets would be missing, leaving only the pants. Gendo grumbled, frustrated and confused by the mysterious clothes-thieves striking again. This time, only one shirt of a sort was left hanging in the closet: a tacky-looking teal-colored bowling shirt with a red stripe running up and down the right side. Faced with no other options, Gendo reluctantly donned it as part of his ensemble. As he opened his front door and began to walk out, he unknowingly triggered a tripwire that let loose something-something that landed with a *FUMP* on top of his head. Taken aback by the unexpected trap, Gendo tried to pull the object-which turned out to be a large, rainbow-colored afro wig-off of his head, only to find it was stuck, thanks to some glue that'd been spread on the inside earlier. Letting loose some muffled [aka gibberish-ified] swearing, Gendo stormed to the car awaiting him as his driver opened the door for him. Again, neither of them noticed four gnome-shaped statues on the front lawn, in poses that almost looked as if they were laughing at the Commander of NERV the whole time.
A large EVA carrier, near Tokyo-3 airspace, around the same time...
Heading towards Tokyo-3 was a large aircraft carrying with it unusual cargo: the towering ebon-colored form of Evangelion Unit-03. The pilots of the aircraft engaged in some chatter with ground control, checking in on their progress.
Ground control: "This is Ekta 64 calling Neopan 400, confirm cumulonimbus clouds in your immediate flight path, over?"
Pilot: "This is Neopan 400, cumulonimbus clouds confirmed. Barometer indicates no hazard. Will maintain course, expect to arrive on-schedule."
Ground control: "This is Ekta 64, roger, over and out."
The comms went out just as the carrier flew into the large cloud ahead of them, unaware that said 'cloud' would deposit a deadly stowaway into their cargo. A stowaway who wasn't too happy about the lack of those little bags of salted peanuts on the flight...
Misato's apartment, yet again around that same time...
Shinji, Asuka, Rei, and even Pen-Pen were seeing Misato off, as she prepared to head for Matsushiro for Unit-03's test.
"So I'll be out for four days or so," Misato instructed her charges, "but don't worry, Kaji'll be looking out for you two for the time being. Try not to wreck the place while I'm gone."
Asuka rolled her eyes at that one. "Like I'd stoop to the lows that come with that tired old 'teen angst comedy movie' cliche," Asuka said.
"Fingers crossed that the test goes off without a hitch," Shinji said, wariness in his voice.
"Oh, it'll be fine!" Misato reassured him. "Ritsuko'll be there to make sure nothing goes wrong."
"You do realize that by saying those words," Rei commented, "you unintentionally will invoke Murphy's Law."
The three of them just stared at the bluenette, dumbfounded by her observation.
"Now you tell me," Misato said sarcastically. "Trust me, things'll go according to plan."
"Still, I'm worried about Toji," Shinji said.
"He'll be okay, baka," Asuka said as she took a turn reassuring him. Besides, I swore to Hikari that things would go well for him, she added mentally. I don't wanna make myself a liar any more than you do!
NERV HQ, a bit later that morning...
The bridge of Central Dogma was busy as usual, with nothing out of the ordinary going on. At least, until Commander Ikari walked in the door. When all eyes turned to see him, again he was met with stares of both surprise and confusion, though this time a lot of the staff were doing their best to stifle their laughter. And why wouldn't they, considering their commander had just walked in wearing a rainbow afro wig and a tacky bowling shirt? No one said anything as Gendo met up with Fuyutsuki (who he instructed to remind him to order a large jar of adhesive remover later in the day), unaware as Maya quickly and quietly snapped a photo with her phone. As soon as the commanders exited the bridge and headed to Gendo's office, once the doors closed, everyone stopped holding it in and burst into laughter. Maya also quickly forwarded the photo in a text to one particular staff member who wasn't there today...
Minutes later, in an armored transport heading towards Matsushiro as part of a small convoy, Ritsuko felt her phone vibrate. She fished it out of her pocket and saw the text from Maya:
"Looks like the Commander got dressed in the dark again."
Ritsuko then scrolled down to look at the photo, and immediately burst into laughter upon seeing Gendo in the strange getup. She then showed the picture to Misato, who blinked in confusion and briefly rubbed her eyes before joining her in laughing all the way to the test site.
The school, around the same time...
Things were pretty quiet for the pilots and their friends as they went about their break. Toji was dreading the day that he'd head over to Matsushiro, so everyone-well, mostly everyone-was trying to cheer him up a bit. Toji then noticed something was definitely off:
Kensuke wasn't ranting and raving about not being picked to pilot an EVA.
"Yo, Ken," Toji started to say. "What's with ya?"
"What do you mean?" the otaku asked.
"Whaddya mean, 'whaddya mean'?" Toji barked back. (Gee, where have I heard that one before, Kensuke mused to himself.) "Of all of us, wouldn't you be complainin' about not gettin' recruited by NERV?"
"Yeah, I gotta agree," Shinji concurred, "this isn't like you."
"Well, you know how when you had to rescue me and Toji a while back?" Kensuke asked.
"All too well," Shinji replied, thinking back to the fight with Shamshel.
"I've been thinking about it a lot lately," Kensuke said. "And seeing that look on your face, all that pressure you were under...It just made me realize, I couldn't cut it. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized another reason why you pilot."
"What's that?" Shinji asked.
"Yeah, I'm curious," Asuka chimed in with a minute hint of sarcasm.
Kensuke looked at his friends for a moment before he answered. "You do it so kids like us don't have to endure that kind of burden, so we don't experience that level of terror," Kensuke finally said. The others were surprised and speechless; they never expected something that profound to come from a kid who, without hyperbole, was a die-hard military-anything enthusiast. At that moment, Freakazoid then looked our way.
"And that, kids, is what we call 'empathy'," Freakazoid said as if he were in a public service announcement.
Back outside the Freakazone, the lunch bell had rung and everyone was getting ready to eat. The only difference was that Toji and Hikari were gone from the room. Instead, the two decided to enjoy a quiet meal alone up on the roof, taking in as much of the day as they could. A little later, as school let out for the day, he decided to give her a few basketball pointers, and discovered that she could throw some decent baskets. Ultimately, they just wanted the rest of the day to be about anything but EVA, before Toji would be brought to Matsushiro.
Misato's apartment, that evening...
Shinji and Asuka were working on some homework when they heard a knock on the door.
"Coming!" Shinji called out as he made his way to the door. Once he opened it, he found Kaji waiting on the other side, with a couple of briefcases in his hands, and one hanging from his mouth by its handle.
"Evenin' Shinji, Asuka," Kaji said as he walked into the apartment, his voice slightly muffled. Asuka immediately noted the bundles he was carrying, in addition to his overnight duffel.
"What's with the bags?" Asuka asked.
"Ah, these?" Kaji said as he made his way to the living room, "Just some work I brought with me." He then began to empty the contents onto the table. Shinji and Asuka's eyes widened with surprise over the material laid out. They were photos, news clippings, even a few thumb drives labeled 'archived footage', all of which had one thing in common: Freakazoid.
"You're researching Freakazoid?" Shinji asked curiously.
"Yep," Kaji replied. "It's...on behalf of the U.N. With the guy running around our fair city, they wanted to know a bit more about him, so they're having me study up."
Asuka perused some of the papers, one eyebrow arched. "Man, for a superhero, the guy's got really weird villains," she commented. "I mean look at some of them-'Eye-of-Newt', 'Kid Carrion', 'Milk Man'. It's like some comic book writer was running out of ideas."
"Check out some of these other heroes he worked with," Shinji said as he plucked a few photos out of the pile. "The Huntsman, Lord Bravery, the Crimson Kv...Uh..."
"Kvetch," Kaji said. "It's Yiddish for someone who complains a lot. Now, much as I'd like you guys to help me with this, I'm getting kinda peckish."
Soon the three of them were enjoying a delicious dinner that Shinji had made.
"Say Kaji, mind answering a question?" Shinji posed.
"Shoot," Kaji replied as he took another bite.
"What's my father like?" Hearing this question gave the stubble'd spy pause.
"Huh, well that came out of nowhere," Kaji replied. "Why ask me? I mean, the Vice-Commander's always with him, you'd probably get more out of him."
"Well, it's just I haven't been around him much," Shinji said. "In a way, I don't really know him, and after seeing him at my mom's grave the other day, all I'm getting is more of the same: cold, uncaring, and for some reason, calculating."
"Sounds like all you need to know," Asuka chimed in. "I kinda get that 'evil mastermind' vibe off of him for some reason."
"We talking 'Ernst Stavro Blofeld' or 'Dr. Evil'?" Kaji added with a chuckle. "But yeah, I can admit Shinji, your old man's tough to understand sometimes. But that's the thing with people, isn't it? People can't understand others completely. Who knows if you can even understand yourself? Understanding each other is one hundred percent impossible. And yet, we spend so much time trying to understand ourselves and others, which makes life so interesting."
Shinji blinked upon hearing that, and did a triple-take from Kaji, to Asuka, to us, before settling back on Kaji. "Well if you don't mind me saying so," he began, "that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
Both Asuka and Kaji, mid-way into their next bites of food, stared at him, wide-eyed with surprise.
"Care to elaborate?" Kaji implored.
"You don't start understanding people unless you start talking to them," Shinji said. "Take me and Asuka-until that candlelit dinner up on the roof a few weeks ago, we wouldn't have figured how alike we were. You can't be afraid to talk to them, can't feel like you're not worth their time. Since that night, I've been working to make sure I'm worthy of her." He took Asuka's hand as he continued. "'Take the first step, or nothing will change'-that's what Misato told me."
Kaji sat there and stared, disbelieving, at what Shinji was saying. When the boy finished, Kaji smiled. "Y'know, I think Katsuragi was onto something there," he said.
"Thanks," Shinji replied, surprised at his own sudden boldness.
"Heh, makes me think, on the subject of steps," Asuka said, "if Freakazoid hadn't kept us from making one colossal misstep, who knows where we'd be right now? You'd probably be off in your room with your SDAT running till the batteries wore out."
"I know what you mean," Shinji said. "Funny thing is, ever since we got together, I haven't touched that player once. It's probably got a ton of dust on it right now."
In Shinji's room at that very moment, said SDAT player was, in fact, laying there on his small desk, collecting yet another layer of dust. On its small LCD screen was the following single word:
INGRATE!
Matsushiro test site, the following day...
The testing preparations were already underway as technicians and engineers were busy connecting all the necessary components to Unit-03, with Ritsuko and Misato observing all the activity.
"Given how it's checked out so far," Ritsuko was saying, "it could even go into combat as-is."
"Huh, oddly comforting," Misato noted.
"Now that sounded half-hearted," Ritsuko said in turn. "I mean think about it-once Unit-03's cleared for duty you'll have it directly under your command."
"Really..." Misato said, her fingers holding her chin in thought, "Hmmm, exclusive control of four EVAs...bet we could take over the world with that kind of power."
"*A-HEM!*" a voice clearing its throat sounded from below where they were standing. A surprised Misato and Ritsuko both looked down to see Pinky and the Brain looking back up at them, their arms folded and brows furrowed, with Pinky tapping his right foot slowly. "Please refrain, if you will, from infringing upon our shtick," the Brain implored. "We do have a reputation to uphold."
Misato smiled sheepishly, a sweat drop by her head, as she gave them a tiny wave. "Heh-heh, sorry fellas," she said.
Ritsuko then cleared her own throat as soon as the lab mice left. "And on that note, the Sixth Child's just arrived," she informed Misato, pointing to the notification on her tablet.
The school, around the same time...
The day was halfway over, and Asuka, Rei, and Mayumi were sitting with Hikari, trying to keep her spirits up. Toji had left for Matsushiro today, so she was rightly worried about him. Meanwhile, Shinji and Kensuke were finishing up their tasks for their cleaning shift that day. Once done, Kensuke decided to head out ahead of the others, so Freakazoid could get an early start on his usual patrol. Soon enough, he ducked into an alley, said the words, and Freakazoid was out and about, as the Tokyo-3 criminal community suddenly collectively shuddered.
Matsushiro test site...
The entry plug had just been inserted successfully, and Unit-03's eyes lit up. Toji, clad in his black with red trim plugsuit, had managed to do as Misato and Ritsuko instructed, and was concentrating to get the sync in. So far, things were looking up. Until the absolute border was exceeded...
"Misato?" Toji started to say. "Somethin's not right..." The moment he said that, the EVA's eyes took on an evil-looking red glow, and the instruments began to go wild, to Misato and Ritsuko's mutual shock. Ritsuko grew even more worried when she noticed a white-ish, gooey-looking substance oozing all over the back of the EVA's neck. Then, just as things were about to go white throughout the test site, courtesy of Bardiel, Angel of Haze...
-X-
[Suggested music: "Theme from A Summer Place" by the Percy Faith Orchestra.]
The scene abruptly cut to live-action footage of a beautiful, wind-swept meadow, the word "Relax-O-Vision" digitally-superimposed over the setting.
-X-
The streets of Tokyo-3...
Freakazoid was running along in his usual 'flying' pose, until he found himself running alongside a familiar police car. Sgt. Kusagabe rolled the window down to talk to him.
"Hey Freakazoid," Kusagabe greeted.
"Oh, hiya Kusagabe," Freakazoid greeted in turn.
"I've got a 2-for-1 coupon for the Mt. Asama hot springs," Kusagabe offered as he held the piece of paper up for Freakazoid to see. "You wanna go?"
"DO I?!" Freakazoid enthusiastically replied.
*SIGH* Here we go again...Kensuke said to himself as he shook his head.
A short time later, both Freakazoid and Kusagabe were relaxing up to their chests in one of the pools of the hot springs, the same hot springs that Misato had taken Shinji and Asuka to after the ordeal with the 8th Angel (found in the active volcano itself).
"Aaaahhhh," Freakazoid let out as he enjoyed the warm, steaming waters, "now this is the life." He then turned to Kusagabe. "If you're ever in D.C., you ought to check out the mud baths, they're just as good."
"Sounds like a dream," Kusagabe replied. "By the way, there's been an explosion at Matsushiro. Might be some big trouble going down."
"By golly, Kusagabe, that sounds like a job for ME!" Freakazoid exclaimed.
Took you long enough, Kensuke chided with an eye roll.
"Quick, where's my towel?" He looked around briefly before stopping abruptly. "Forget it, no time, gotta go!" With that, Freakazoid zipped out of the pool and into his costume, and then speeded down the mountain path. He quickly clicked the button on a small remote attached to his keys, which then promptly summoned the Freakmobile to the start of the path. As soon as he hopped in, he floored it immediately towards the direction of Matsushiro, switching on the two-way comms to the Freakalair.
"R.O.D.D.Y., Naoko, what's the situation?" Freakazoid asked.
"Like yer copper friend said two paragraphs ago," R.O.D.D.Y. reported, "theere's been an explosion at Matsushiro, right at the test site where Unit-03 was gonna be activated."
"Cause of the explosion?" Freakazoid asked.
"Unit-03 itself, I'm afraid," Naoko chimed in. "According to the sensor data I intercepted, a pattern blue was detected right before the blast-Unit-03's been infected by an Angel! I've classified it as the 13th Angel, Bardiel."
Oh man, TOJI! Kensuke fearfully said, worried for his best friend's safety.
"Don't worry, we'll save him," Freakazoid declared. "Have the other EVAs been deployed yet?"
"Just a few minutes ago," Naoko replied, "they're en route to the intercept location as we speak."
"Then there's no time to lose," Freakazoid said. "R.O.D.D.Y., have the Freakadrone prepped and launched to deliver that little science project I've been working on to where I'll park the Freakmobile."
"Aye, laddie," R.O.D.D.Y. confirmed as Freakazoid put the pedal to the metal and zoomed faster towards his destination.
By the time Freakazoid parked the Freakmobile at a small hill nearby, the three EVAs were already in position awaiting their target. Freakazoid popped in an earpiece to listen in on the communiques between the pilots and NERV HQ (thanks in part to Naoko patching in the connection). Already, he could hear Shinji expressing his worry, Asuka doing his best to reassure him, Rei remaining silent and stoic, and Gendo giving out orders in that uncaring tone of voice that was one of his trademarks (despite the wig and bowling shirt he was currently stuck wearing). The Commander himself was taking direct command of the operation due to Misato's MIA status.
"Target's coming within visual range," he heard Shigeru report. Freakazoid then looked towards where the EVAs were directed and saw the dark shape emerge from the hills. To the shock of the pilots and some of the bridge crew, it was Unit-03 itself. Freakazoid continued listening in as Gendo ordered the abort signal transmitted to try and get Toji's entry plug out, only to hear that it failed due to the Angel's jamming. Freakazoid looked through his binoculars and saw the gooey grey ooze on the back of the black EVA's neck.
"Eeeeewwww, that is one gross Angel," he commented as he made a face. "Status of the pilot?"
"Alive, but unconscious," Naoko reported.
At that point Freakazoid heard Gendo order that Unit-03 be abandoned and designated as the 13th Angel, much to the shock of the crew and pilots. Gendo then ordered that the Angel be destroyed, no matter the cost.
"Oh-kay, Commander Four-Eyes, you're really pushing it this time!" an upset Freakazoid said to himself, his grip on the binoculars tightening. "Those kinds of bad guys really make me mad!"
Suddenly, Bardiel ran towards its first target...
-X-
[Suggested music: "Baby Elephant Walk" by Henry Mancini and his orchestra.]
The scene abruptly cut to footage of a herd of elephants strolling across an African savanna. Superimposed on the setting were the words "Relax-O-Vision".
-X-
Unit-02 had been knocked to the ground, roughed up enough that it caused Asuka to eject, much to her chagrin. Bardiel then continued on its path. Unit-00 hid behind some trees, a pallet rifle in-hand, as it prepared to strike at the Angel from a distance. Just as Rei nearly had it in her crosshairs, with her silently apologizing to Toji for what she was about to do, Bardiel jumped up and backwards towards the blue, cyclopean EVA...
-X-
[Suggested music: "Time is Tight" by Booker T. and the MG's.]
The scene abruptly cut to live-action footage of people riding paddle-boats across a lake on a beautiful summer day. Superimposed onto the setting were the words "Relax-O-Vision".
-X-
Unit-00 was lying on the ground, having been also taken out of the fight. Bardiel then got up and continued on its way, with only Unit-01 left to stop it. Unfortunately, Shinji was not too keen on the possibility of hurting one of his best friends-or worse...
What're we waiting for?! Kensuke demanded. We need to do something!
"For that, we need the right tools for the job," Freakazoid said. "And they should be arriving right about...now!"
Soon, the Freakadrone-a small, red thing that resembled an airplane-arrived and dropped off its parachuting cargo, which Freakazoid then caught and began to unpack. He then set about assembling what looked like a bazooka, a rocket, and a virtual-reality helmet with mic, which was connected to the Freakmobile's onboard computer.
What's all this for? Kensuke wondered.
"Something I was working on to see if there was a way for me to fight the more colossal variety of Angels," Freakazoid replied. "The rocket will attach itself to an EVA's head, and the helmet and controller combo will allow me, with Naoko's help, to take command of the EVA itself, like a giant Rock'em Sock'em Robot."
Well you'd better hurry, Kensuke urged, 'cause the Angel looks like it's going for the kill!
Sure enough, Bardiel stopped for a moment in its advance on Unit-01 and leaped into the air, diving right for the purple EVA, getting closer and closer...
-X-
[Suggested music: "Telstar" by the Tornados.]
The scene abruptly cut to live-action footage of a satellite orbiting around the Earth, the beautiful, starry expanse of space in the background. Superimposed over the setting were the words "Relax-O-Vision".
"All right, THAT'S IT!" Asuka exclaimed, interrupting the music as she lifted up the retractable screen the scene was being projected on. She was somehow in H.A. Futterman's study, and was storming towards the man's desk, an accusing finger pointed at him. "I've had it with this 'Relax-O-Vision' junk! It ends RIGHT NOW!"
"And just what do you plan to do about it?" Futterman sarcastically asked her.
"Oh, you're gonna find out real soon..." Asuka hinted as she cracked her knuckles, a knowing smirk on her face.
"Uh oh...not again..." Futterman said before Asuka started beating him up, a scene that was conveniently blocked by live-action footage of a couple of puppies playing in a back yard, the words "Relax-O-Vision" superimposed on the scene. Despite that, one could still hear Futterman's monotone cries of pain as Asuka wailed on him.
-X-
Unit-01 staggered back to its feet just as Bardiel, crawling on all fours, lashed out with an elongated right arm that quickly wrapped around the purple EVA's neck.
"Uh oh, looks like it's now or never," Freakazoid said as he took aim with the launcher. Once he had a lock on the back of Unit-01's head, he pulled the trigger, causing the rocket-like object to fire. As it got closer to the head, the nosecone unfolded into a shape resembling a suction cup. Just as quickly as it did so, it made contact and latched onto the back of the purple EVA's head, making its eyes widen with surprise for a brief second. This didn't go unnoticed by the bridge back in Central Dogma.
"Sir! An unidentified object just attached itself to Unit-01!" Maya reported.
"Pulling up a visual now, sir," Makoto added as he typed in the command. The cameras then focused on the object that was now stuck to the back of the purple EVA's cranium. It looked like a small silvery cylinder with a blinking red antenna poking out of it.
"Can we disable it?" Fuyutsuki asked.
"Negative," Shigeru replied. "It's emitting a frequency that's interfering with all countermeasures."
Both Fuyutsuki and Gendo exchanged a glance, confused by this particular random happening.
Back on the ground, Freakazoid had donned the helmet and got out the controller (which resembled the kind you'd find attached to a video game console).
"All right, Naoko, fire it up and connect me to the EVA!" Freakazoid said.
"Connecting...stand by..." Naoko replied.
"Good luck, laddie," R.O.D.D.Y. added with concern.
Soon enough, the visor on Freakazoid's helmet lit up and the wacky wonder found himself traveling remotely into the core of the purple Evangelion. Once inside, he started walking towards a female figure who was observing the outside world. The closer he got, the more he noticed that she appeared to be a woman in her late 20's with short, chestnut-brown hair, wearing a lab coat, a skirt, and a pink blouse. Freakazoid had gotten some insight from Naoko on the personnel involved in the creation and development of the Evangelions, and now he was meeting another such face. Freakazoid chose that moment to gently tap the woman on the shoulder.
"Hi there! How's it going?" he asked cheerfully.
The woman jumped up with a startled yelp and abruptly turned around, clearly caught off-guard by the sudden intrusion. Upon seeing her face, Freakazoid briefly observed how she looked like a grown-up Rei Ayanami, minus the eye and hair color.
"DON'T with the scaring, it's not a good thing!" Yui Ikari exhorted in a very Lewis-y manner, her hand on her chest.
"Yep, no doubt about it, you're Shinji's mom all right," Freakazoid noted.
"Wait, you know my son?" Yui asked with surprise.
"We have a mutual friend," Freakazoid replied. "Listen, I'll explain everything later, right now we don't have much time. Shinji's in big trouble, and I wanna help him and his friend that's in the hijacked EVA just as much as you do. Mind letting me take the wheel here for a bit?"
Yui warily nodded 'yes', but then her eyes went wide when she saw something behind Freakazoid. "Oh no, not now!" she said as she pointed towards the approaching menace. Freakazoid turned around and saw what she was worried about: it looked like a big, red oni demon tattooed with binary code.
"What is that thing?!" Freakazoid asked in astonishment.
"The Dummy System Program," Yui replied. "Gendo had Ritsuko design it to be an autopilot for the EVA's. He never gave her the time to iron out the bugs, so if it takes control of Unit-01, there's no stopping it from ripping its opponent apart without mercy!" Her expression then turned to anger. "Gendo no baka, you just HAD to be a cheapskate on this one!" She then turned back to Freakazoid as she rolled up a sleeve. "You go help Shinji-I'll take care of ugly here. Thankfully, I can reshape this environment to my liking..." Yui then stormed forward as she was briefly covered in a flash of light.
[Suggested music: "Pegasus Meteor Fist", the Saint Seiya soundtrack.]
When Freakazoid lowered his arm, he gaped at the transformation Yui had just undergone. She was now clad in a golden suit of armor, with what looked to be various weapons attached to it.
"What's with the-?" Freakazoid started to ask.
Yui smiled as she answered. "When I was a kid, Saint Seiya was one of my favorite manga series," she explained, "and the Libra cloth was my favorite armor, since it was a wearable arsenal. Now then..." She proceeded to remove a part attached to her right gauntlet, which soon unfolded into one of the armor's two tonfa. The Dummy System oni, seeing this, growled as it clutched its club. "BRING IT ON!" Yui yelled, tonfa raised high, as she rushed towards the digital demon, who likewise did the same. As their fight was conveniently covered by a cartoonish dust cloud, Freakazoid quickly went to where Yui had been standing before and picked up what looked like the controls for Unit-01. He then spoke into a little-used 'mic' on the 'dashboard'.
Within the entry plug, Shinji was startled out of his helplessness by the voice that suddenly sounded in his head.
"Hang tight, Shinji, I'll take it from here," Freakazoid said. Soon, the lights in the plug briefly went dark, and Shinji caught his breath as he rubbed his neck, the feeling of being strangled gone. The plug then lit up again, as the face of Freakazoid greeted him on a screen.
Back near the Freakmobile, Freakazoid spoke into his helmet mic as his hands gripped the controller. "All right, R.O.D.D.Y.-activate palette-swap!" he said.
"Roger," the digital Scotsman replied. At that moment, holo-emitters emerged from the object attached to Unit-01's head, and soon those watching in Central Dogma stared, dumbfounded, as the color scheme on Unit-01 began to change. Most of its body turned red, while the hands and feet became white. Freakazoid's logo appeared on its chest, while most of the head turned blue, save for the areas around the eyes, which turned black-almost like Freakazoid's mask. A larger hologram of Freakazoid's hairdo then appeared atop the EVA's head, completing the transformation. Bardiel was stunned by what just happened, more so when the Freak-a-fied Unit-01 then forcibly unraveled the Angel-controlled EVA's elongated right arm from around its neck, balled the hand into a fist, stretched it back a ways, and then let it loose. The fist immediately met Bardiel's 'face' with a loud *CLANG*, causing the black EVA to stagger backwards as a ring of stars danced around its eyes; the Angel then shook its head to get its bearings.
Freak-a-01, now with a moment to itself, then tried to say something, only to find its voice muffled. Immediately figuring out why, it then proceeded to pull the restraints off of its jaw. "MAN that's better," Freak-a-01 said.
In Central Dogma, whereas everyone was further shocked, Gendo was completely floored. "Th-th-this cannot be happening!" he said alarmingly.
Freak-a-01 gave its form a quick look-over. "Oof, have I ever been skinnier?" it asked. "This body type always makes me feel so twiggy and hyper-stylized, like a character from an early Image comic! *YECH!*"
Bardiel, having regained its bearings, paid no heed to the Freak-a-fied EVA's words as it lunged at the colossus with a roar. Freak-A-01 merely jumped up and landed on top of Bardiel's head, somehow without causing the black EVA to fall over. Freak-a-01 then crouched as it then did something unexpected-it yodeled. Or rather, yodeled like Jerry Lewis playing an amateur cantor winging it on his first day.
"YODEL-AY-HEE-HOOOOO-ALAAAAAYYYYY-MALAIGOOOOLLLL-ACH-ACH-ACHLEMUGAH-SHALOOOOOOMMMM-AYYIYIALOH-ALOHA, lady in the dress uniform...".
On hearing that last bit, the female members of the bridge crew looked at one another, perplexed. Maya shrugged.
Bardiel tried to hit the now-annoying EVA atop its head, only for Freak-a-01 to jump off, resulting in Bardiel once again hitting itself. The black EVA staggered about again, and again shook its head to regain its bearings. When it saw Freak-a-01 standing a few feet away, giving it a tiny teasing wave with a big, stupid grin on its face, Bardiel let loose a furious roar.
"You don't frighten me, Angelic pig-dog!" Freak-a-01 bit back in a ridiculous French accent, giving the black EVA confused pause.
Once again, the staff in Central Dogma were stunned. Even Asuka, observing with the rest of the recovery team that had come for her, was speechless. Rei, still in Unit-00, once again mooned over Freakazoid, a big, beatific smile on her face. Go get 'im, tiger! she thought wistfully.
The Freak-a-fied EVA didn't stop there: "Go and boil your bottom, spawn of a silly creature! Ah blow my nose at you so-called 'Bahr-dee-uhlll'! You and all you silly Angelic crrrrrrrrrrrrretins!"
Bardiel's jaw, along with those of all human observers, dropped when Freak-a-01 then proceeded to blow a series of raspberries at it, while clanging on the metal of its helmet in a goofy fashion.
Bardiel blinked for a moment, before it remembered just what it was supposed to be doing. Before it could unleash another roar, it found itself 'talking to the hand' of Freak-a-01.
"Ah don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough-whiper!" Freak-a-01 then started shaking its rear end in Bardiel's direction. "IIIIIII TOOT in your general direction!" It then turned back around and pointed at the black EVA. "Your mother was a skin rash, and your father smelt of Athlete's Foot!" It then proceeded to give Bardiel a dismissive 'shooing' wave, its other hand on its hip. "Now go away, or Ah shall taunt you a SECOND time!"
An eerie pause emerged as no one, human, EVA, or Angel, moved. Bardiel briefly looked in our direction, a befuddled expression on its face, before turning back to Freak-a-01. It snarled, just before it launched itself at the Freak-a-fied EVA, arms outstretched. Before it could get a grip on its foe, Freak-a-01 ducked and crawled between the black EVA's legs, yelling/singing out more nonsense as it did.
Freak-a-01:
Low bridge, every-body baaack!
Low bridge, Bardiel's underwear is black!
Once again, an extremely befuddled look appeared on Bardiel's face, a sentiment shared by the human observers of this fight.
Black-ack! It looks like he's got the pooties, oooo-ties!
G'byyyyeeee... [Freak-a-01 then held its hands out in a 'stopping' motion.] Stop the singing nowww...[It then started doing some strange dancing while it continued, its singing growing softer.] End the singing song, stop, go, enough with the song, STOP, bring it down...
Strangely, in Central Dogma, and on the hilltop where Asuka and her recovery team were, all spectators found themselves following Freak-a-01's motions as they started crouching down.
Goin' down, stop, sh-sh-sh-sh, everybody's goin' with the sh-sh-sh-sh on this side o' the field, sssshhhhhhh...EVERY-BODY BACK!
Bardiel, ever-highly confused by its opponent's antics, again briefly looked our way before it decided to give up on trying to understand anything its foe did, and just went full-on feral as it leaped at Freak-a-01. The Freaky EVA leap-frogged over Bardiel, sending it crashing into a mountain, where it became stuck.
"Okay, time to end this," Freak-a-01 said as it turned around. "Bring 'er in!"
On hearing that, Naoko and R.O.D.D.Y. triggered the launch of a custom EVA weapons locker that landed to the side of Freak-a-01. The EVA then opened it up and took out something that took all human spectators by surprise: an industrial-sized bottle of ACME Progressive 'Goo-Gone', along with a large metal canister with a lid. Freak-a-01 then walked over to Bardiel, still struggling to pull its head out of the mountain, and undid the cap on the bottle. It then carefully poured the liquid on the areas of the black EVA's neck where the goopy Angel was present, causing the Angel to shriek with revulsion as it began oozing itself out of the recesses of its host. When it was finally off, the EVA slumped, no longer mobile. Freak-a-01 herded the retreating sludge into the metal canister, set the bottle down, and then took out from somewhere on its person a big stick of ACME Progressive Dynamite, the fuse already lit, which it then dropped into the canister before sealing it shut and placing it a good distance away. Freak-a-01 then ran back to where the other EVAs were, crouched down, and stuck its fingers into its audio receptors.
"Fire in the hole!" it exclaimed.
Meanwhile, in the canister, Bardiel's eyes opened, and it soon noticed that it couldn't see a thing in the pitch-darkness. It lit a match, and its eyes widened with horror when it saw the stick of Dynamite. Bardiel then looked our way and held up a sign, on which was printed:
WORST. DEFEAT. EVER!
A large but slightly-muffled *BOOM* was soon heard, as the inside of the canister exploded, blowing Bardiel to smithereens. Freak-a-01 then stood back up, walked over to the now-ruined canister and inspected it. When finished, Freak-a-01 then turned in the direction of where the cameras connected to NERV HQ would no doubt be watching, and gave everyone two thumbs-up. "All gone!" it said in the vein of many a NyQuil ad.
Speaking of those within NERV HQ, stunned silence reigned until Fuyutsuki cleared his throat.
"Status?" he asked.
"Oh! Uh, confirmed-pattern blue is gone, sir," Makoto reported.
Nearly everyone on the bridge breathed a sigh of relief. Then, much to their surprise, the color scheme on Unit-01 began to return to normal, while Shinji found himself back in control of the colossal biomech.
"Pilot Ikari, are you all right in there?" Fuyutsuki asked over the comms.
"Um, yeah, I'm fine," Shinji replied, before a look of worry returned to his face. "Misato! Is she-?!"
"Don't worry, we sent out a rescue team a while ago," the vice-commander replied. "Right now, I'll need you to help Unit-00 back up. Once done, you and Pilot Ayanami will carry Unit-02 back to base."
"What about Unit-03 and Toji?" Shinji asked.
"We'll send another recovery team to fish him out of the entry plug," Fuyutsuki responded. "Along with a work crew to...dig Unit-03 out of the mountainside."
"Thank you," Shinji said, relieved. Mentally, he also thanked Freakazoid for his help, and then began heading towards Unit-00 to help get Rei back on her feet.
Meanwhile, within the core of Unit-01, Freakazoid was speaking to Yui, who was standing triumphantly atop the royally-trounced Dummy System oni, now set for permanent deletion.
"Nice job, doc," Freakazoid said, "but now we need to talk. So start at the beginning."
Yui had a pretty good idea of what he was asking about, so she sighed and began explaining to him about everything-SEELE being the architects of Second Impact, hers and Gendo's time with GEHIRN, the development of the EVAs, and of course her ill-fated contact experiment with Unit-01. When she finished, Freakazoid shook his head disapprovingly, his arms folded.
"Oy, Yui, you fibbed to Shinji and Gendo about what you were doing," he said, before pointing to her as his brows furrowed. "If this were an after-school special, oh you'd pay a bit-ter-sweet price for your little deceit. Like getting multiple gray hairs before reaching your golden years, or, or being forced to eat at the same place at the table between Gary Busey and Kid Rock! Eeeww! *BLUGH!* *GAGH!* Ooh! They're on either side of you, just pigging out like ya wouldn't believe! And you have-to-sit-between-them! *YECH!* Think about it!"
Yui just stared at him, wide-eyed with shock over his accusation, before throwing her arms up in the air.
"What was I supposed to do?!" she asked in an attempt to defend herself. "I didn't think Gendo would be so clingy for me that he'd abandon Shinji like that! Much less put him through all this torture!"
"THIS is why you should never make assumptions about people," Freakazoid chided her. "I mean really, you're a smart girl, couldn't you have thought of any other way to stop SEELE's plans?"
"Their eyes were everywhere!" Yui argued. "I couldn't exactly go to the proper authorities when I knew the old men would've probably had someone on their payroll. Trust me, even I was shocked when I found out my father was in on all of this. I thought we were doing something! Really trying to make a difference! To save our species!"
"Still, you know what they say about best intentions..." Freakazoid hinted.
"Which would be...?" Yui inquired with one arched eyebrow.
"No idea," Freakazoid answered nonchalantly. "Point I'm making is, you owe it to Shinji to make up for yours and Gendo's mistakes. Now that I know more of the story, I'm gonna do my part to see that SEELE gets beaten and brought to justice, and I think it's high time you did the same."
Yui, giving it some thought, sighed before realizing Freakazoid was right on this. "All right, so what do you want me to do?" she asked.
"For starters? Actually talk to Shinji," Freakazoid suggested. "None of that 'warm, mysterious feeling' that you've given him before when he synced, actually talk to him. Fill him in on everything, we'll need him too."
Yui nodded at this. "All right, next time they undergo a sync test, I'll reach out to him," she agreed. "I think you should probably contact my colleague Kyoko, Asuka's mother, in Unit-02 as well, get her to do the same."
Freakazoid was surprised by this. "Wait, Asuka's mom is in an EVA too?" A frustrated, annoyed expression then appeared on his face. "Ooh, those SEELE guys are SICK!"
"Tell me something I don't know," Yui said, as she looked down at the Dummy System oni. "I think you'd better run along, I can imagine you've got some work to do."
"No kidding," Freakazoid agreed. "Gotta tell ya, don't think I'll be doing this again. While I was synced with the EVA, it felt a bit icky."
"Don't I know it," Yui replied with a shudder as she looked down at the oni again. "I'll get rid of Mr. Gruesome here. That way the EVAs will still remain solely human-operated."
"Good thinking," Freakazoid said. "Well, nice meeting you, good luck with talking to Shinji, and I'm out!" With that, Freakazoid vanished in a flash of light from the core, leaving Yui to start dismantling the Dummy System program.
Out in the real world, the attachment's antenna stopped blinking and the whole thing soon fell off of Unit-01's head. Before it could hit the ground, it self-destructed, to prevent its technology from falling into the wrong hands. Meanwhile, back at the Freakmobile, Freakazoid took his helmet off, and immediately noticed the 'helmet-hair' he was left with. He then got out a rubber balloon, inflated it, rubbed it against his chest, and then raised it above his head, the ensuing static bringing his hair back up into its usual shape. Freakazoid then let the balloon go, causing it to fly off into the distance.
"You okay, Kensuke?" Freakazoid asked.
For a moment, he was met with silence, until Kensuke finally responded.
That...I can't believe it...he said, still shocked by the revelations from Freakazoid and Yui's conversation.
"I know, it's a lot to take in, pal," Freakazoid said, "maybe we should get you home. I think you might wanna sleep on this. We'll talk about it another day. That sound fair?"
Sure, Kensuke replied, good idea. Maybe I'll read that book Mayumi lent me.
"Whatever works for ya," Freakazoid said reassuringly. "Whatever works..."
To be continued...
**Author's Note(s)**
Hope this fight threw you all for a loop, compared how it normally goes in the canon. Big thanks to Azure Dragon of the East again for his advice on Freakazoid hacking Unit-01.
Before I go any further into the annotations, a couple of remarks. First, RIP the late, great comic book writer Denny O'Neil, a legend of DC and Marvel and the man who many a Transformers fan is thankful to for naming Optimus Prime. Second, a congrats to the great Al Jaffee on his retirement from MAD magazine at age 99, THAT is quite the career.
Much of this chapter is modeled a bit on the main segment of Freakazoid's ninth episode, "Relax-O-Vision". Some of the dialogue during the fight (along with Freakazoid's scolding of Yui) is based on the banter from Freakazoid's fight with Cave Guy in "Dance of Doom".
The rainbow wig falling on Gendo is lifted from the seventh season episode of The Simpsons, "Two Bad Neighbors", where Homer and Bart do that to former U.S. president George H.W. Bush.
More minor Freakazoid characters get name drops when Kaji comes over to the apartment. Eye-of-Newt is a big monster eyeball with a hairdo modeled after that of former U.S. House speaker Newt Gingrich, Kid Carrion is a zombie cowboy who only appeared in a cameo and in the opening title sequence, and Milk Man was the villain who sent the original Expendable Lad to the hospital with a bruised clavicle in the episode that introduced Fan Boy. The Crimson Kvetch was an elderly retired superhero featured in the season one segment "Legends Who Lunch", which riffed on Golden Age comic heroes like the Justice Society of America.
Shinji's rebuttal of Kaji's idea of understanding people opens with a riff on Freakazoid's annoyed critique of the Lobe's plan in the season one segment "The Cloud".
This time, both Pinky and the Brain cameo in this story.
Freakazoid and Kusagabe's trip to the hot springs riffs on Freakazoid and Cosgrove going to the mud baths in the actual "Relax-O-Vision" segment.
Yui's reaction to Freakazoid, much like her son's, riffs on the Animaniacs segment "Hearts of Twilight". Yui being a Saint Seiya fan was of my own invention, but I admit I was also riffing on one of the omakes in OrionPax09's "Lilith's Herald" story.
Freak-a-01's 'French'-accented taunt is lifted from one of the more famous scenes from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
For those interested in an artist's rendition of the Freakazoid-controlled Unit-01, head on over to DeviantArt and type in the search engine 'NERV Freaks Out: 'Freak-a-01''.
And on another note, a personal burning question of mine:
Whose legs do you gotta pull to get a TV Tropes page made for your previous Super-Wackos entry and this one?