29. Finding Common Ground
She led him into a vacant bedroom, not sure exactly what she wanted to tell him. Her heart was pounding, but she managed to pull herself together for the moment.
Heck, it had been hard. Joining back to the Order, having everyone watching you suspiciously, watching them decide if they were going to believe you or not. When she hadn't done anything to deserve it. She had simply been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Dumbledore had asked for their relationships with her to go back to normal, but it would be hard, forgetting everything, pretending that nothing had happened. Because it stung. The fact that these people could and would so easily turn against her, given the slightest bit of what they thought was proof. That they could turn on her like that, not bothering to hear what she had to say.
Her relationship with Remus was complicated enough without the entire addition of the false assumption that she was a spy. Mad-Eye had said that Remus liked her, but there was no way he could like her now. Maybe they would have to start from scratch.
Ultimately, she needed to straighten things out between the two of them, and she was prepared to accept the consequences, whatever they may be. She was prepared to forgive him for everything that had happened if it meant they could pick things up from where they left off.
So she sat on the edge of the bed while he leaned on the wall across from her. She picked at a loose thread in her robes, not sure how to begin.
"You wanted to say something?" he asked quietly.
But before that, there were still questions that needed to be answered. He had a right to know, and she had a right to tell him.
"Six hours before V-Voldemort's attack on the Department of Mysteries," she began slowly, "I received an owl from the Ministry of Magic, stating that my owl, Adrian, was about to die."
She saw his face pale.
"A bunch of Muggles attacked him with stones while he was on his way to the Ministry of Magic. One of my friends from the Auror Department, Mack Murphy, found him, and was kind enough to rush Adrian to St. Mungo's to see if there was any chance of saving him. So I left for St. Mungo's as soon as I could."
Her eyes had filled with tears again. Dang it. Being a Metamorphmagus came with many cool perks, but morphing away tears was not one of them.
"Adrian's been with me for six years now. I got him during my last year at Hogwarts. I didn't want to lose him. He's been my friend for so long."
"I'm sorry," Remus whispered, looking just that.
"At St. Mungo's, Healer Claris was the only man who offered to help Adrian. He… He saved Adrian, Remus. Adrian is recovering in a special wing because Bruce offered to take extra time and heal him. They… they don't even specialize in helping animals, but he still helped him."
"At that point, I knew, emotionally, that there was no way Bruce could be a Death Eater. He was empathetic, and he cared. But there's more to it than that. I have solid evidence that Bruce Claris can't be a Death Eater. Because his wife and daughter were killed by a Death Eater. Fenrir Greyback."
Any color that was in his face was instantly drained. "Greyback?" he whispered hoarsely.
"I know," she whispered, her voice breaking. "Fenrir Greyback ruined the lives of the two kindest men I know. One day I will hunt him down, and mark my words, I will kill him."
She took a deep breath. "To answer the question that I know you wanted an answer to, I met with Bruce Claris to save Adrian. I knew he wasn't a Death Eater, and I knew what I was doing."
She bit her lip hesitantly, waiting for him to reply. He looked down at the ground, not meeting her eyes.
Seconds passed. She wondered whether he was going to say something. Maybe this wouldn't go as smoothly as she expected. As she opened her mouth to say something, he finally spoke.
"I… I don't know how to apologize to you. I believed that you were the spy without even thinking twice about it. The entire thing was a misunderstanding and I just… I fell for it blindly. I'm so sorry."
Tonks took a second to decompose what he was saying. "Come here."
Slowly, he walked over to the edge of the bed. "Yeah?"
She pulled him into a hug for her answer, a hug that spoke to her of all the things she could have. It was warm, and cozy, especially when he returned it just as much as she did. "It's okay."
"I don't know how to make it up to you," he mumbled.
"Mmm. Well, I have a suggestion."
He broke apart from their embrace and sat next to her, a smile playing at his lips. "Yeah?"
She had no idea what she was going to tell him, let alone how she was going to tell him. She needed to say it gently enough so as not to scare him off, but firmly enough to leave an impact. Toying with many ideas, she chose to be frank about it.
"Yeah. You can make it up to me by listening to what I'm going to say."
"Of course I will."
The butterflies in her stomach were fluttering like mad. She didn't know if she'd be able to take this. He was being so kind, and polite, which was so disarming. Why was it so hard to say such a simple thing?
"The full moon's tomorrow, isn't it?" she asked instead.
He gave a small smile. "Yeah. I'm feeling fine, though. Just tired. I was actually going to leave the meeting midway, it was that boring."
"Oh. Well, we can talk later too, it's not that important…"
"But I want to hear what you have to say," he interjected. "And, believe me, I'm feeling completely fine right now."
"Right. Well…"
Oh Merlin. She was an Auror, for crying out loud. Just suck it up and say it!
"Look," she began hesitantly, "I'm not sure if you want to hear what I'm about to say. If you don't, we can completely ignore this conversation and pretend it never happened."
"Go on," he encouraged.
He wants you to say it.
"I love you."
She scanned his face intently, watching for every sign of emotion. His face was impassive, as he looked right into her eyes.
Why had she even said it in the first place? She had pretty much known he wouldn't feel the same way. And with everything that had happened in the past few weeks, she hadn't even prepared herself for the rejection. Of course, he would say it nicely and politely, so as not to hurt her feelings as much.
His eyes glistened with tears. "Really?"
She nodded slowly, trying to hold back the emotion that was threatening to burst out.
"Actually?"
"Yes, actually."
"After all I did?"
She hesitated. "Yes. After all you did."
He said nothing, and she watched him closely. Was this all a mistake? What if Mad-Eye was wrong? What if he didn't feel the same way about her?
And then he pulled her into another hug, one of many unspoken feelings, one of warmth, and comfort, one that told her he would never let her go again, and in that moment, she knew that he did feel the same way.
Tonks had experienced many feelings of happiness before, but in that instant, the amount of happiness she felt was unmeasurable. Incomparable to anything else. It was just happiness, natural happiness, and nothing else to get in the way. There was no sadness, no pain, no terror, no disappointment. There was no room for any of that. Happiness dominated her entirely, and for a moment, she couldn't think at all.
"You love me? Actually?" she asked when they pulled away, affirming that it was real.
"Yes, actually," he replied, smiling.
The thought that Remus John Lupin, the calm and collected man, the Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor, the seemingly quiet man with the spirit of a Marauder, the clever, witty, brilliant Remus Lupin, had fallen in love with her, was a thought that would never have crossed her mind in a million years.
And suddenly, a sort of sadness filled his eyes. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry? For what?"
He swallowed. "Because this won't work."
"W-what do you mean it won't work?"
Of course. It was too good to be true. There was no possible way that someone as wonderful as Remus could fancy her.
"You, and I... this isn't going to work."
It was like a heavy weight had sunk to the bottom of her chest. He knew it too. She wasn't nearly good enough for him, not by a long shot. But still, was he worth it?
"If… If it's about the hair, I can change it, you know," she replied nervously, morphing her hair into a shade of chestnut brown as if to prove her point. "Anything, really. I can change anything that you don't like."
His eyes widened. "No, that's not what I meant. Turn it back to the green you had before."
Puzzled, she did what he asked. "What did you mean, then?"
He sighed. "I didn't mean that there was anything wrong with you. You're the most wonderful woman anyone can ask for. Surely you know that the problem lies with me?"
"What?" she whispered, unable to believe what he was saying. "Y-you? How could there possibly be anything wrong with you?"
He frowned. "Let's start with the more simple one. I'm thirteen years older than you, Tonks. I'm thirty-six. You're twenty-three. You have an entire life ahead of you, whereas I'm… so much older than you."
"Rubbish," she whispered. "I don't care that you're older than me. I like that you're older than me. It just fits."
He gave her a sad smile. "That would be tolerable on its own, but you seem to be forgetting the major problem here. I'm a werewolf."
"I know that," she replied. "So?"
"You don't see the problem here?"
She shook her head. "Why should there be a problem?"
"Because of the stigma," he responded sadly. "There are many negative feelings associated with being seen with a werewolf. I wouldn't want you to have to experience them just because of me. People won't react well to seeing you with me."
"So… so you're saying that you don't want to be with me just because you're a werewolf?" she asked slowly.
He shook his head. "No, of course not. I do want to be with you, probably more than you can imagine. But we shouldn't. There's a difference. You may think it's selfish of me, Nymphadora, but I can't bear to see you being affected by that."
"But I don't care!" she persisted. "I don't care that you're a werewolf, and I don't care about what could happen if I'm seen with you."
"But I do," he reasoned. "I care that I'm a werewolf, and I care a heck of a lot about what could happen if you're seen with me."
"Look," she said, softening her tone, "we… we don't meet much outside of the Order, anyways, so we don't have to be seen outside, right?"
He sighed. "In theory, but it would be inevitable. It would have to be kept a secret from the Ministry. It would have to be kept a secret from basically everyone, and that's not fair to you. Tonks, I would just be a burden on you if we were together."
"But I like you, and you like me! How can there be a burden? Look, Remus, we can take things slowly. I'm in no rush."
"Nymphadora," he whispered, "it's just not logical. We really can't. Believe me when I say that I'd love to more than anything. You have no idea. But our friendship itself means so much to me." He hesitated. "C-can I tell you something?"
She nodded. "Go ahead."
"I was four years old when I was bitten. My father had offended Greyback some time before, and Greyback decided to extract revenge by targeting me. I barely have any memories of my life before lycanthropy. But since I was young, I learned early that I shouldn't expect too much from life. I wasn't going to get much, and I should be content with what I have. It was a lot to adjust to when I realized that I had friends at Hogwarts who actually cared about me. James and Sirius and Peter. And teachers who were willing to put up with my condition so I could be educated. Madam Pomfrey helped me recover after each and every transformation. Professor McGonagall helped me sneak out of the common room to the Whomping Willow. Professor Slughorn would provide me with potions to ease the pain afterwards. All... Well, most of my Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers offered to help me learn all I could about werewolves so I would be prepared for everything. Even Madam Pince allowed me to check out several books on lycanthropy from the Restricted Section, though that was probably just because I spent so much time in there. And of course, Professor Dumbledore was the entire reason I could attend Hogwarts in the first place. I was eternally grateful to all of these people, and that was enough for me.
"I was lucky enough to have friends. Not all werewolves do. In fact, they seldom do. But a romantic relationship, one that I'm serious about, is something that I've never envisioned. And I can't imagine having to deprive you of all of the benefits that you would otherwise have. It would be better for you not to be with me."
"I don't… I don't want to argue with you. But I do want you to know that I don't care about any of the… the benefits, or what people will say. I do my hair in the wildest colors, do you think I give a Galleon what other people say?" she asked.
"Of course not," he said quickly, "but this would be different. I know you don't care about all of that, but you should. You deserve more than what I could give you."
"I don't care," she whispered, leaning closer to him.
"Nymphadora," he breathed, but he was leaning closer to her too, "we can't."
His arms were still around her waist, and hers were around his shoulders. Despite his words, they were both leaning closer to each other. Their foreheads met, and then their noses, and then...
The door burst open and they sprung apart to find a very red-faced Molly Weasley standing in the doorway.
"I'm so sorry, dears, am I interrupting something?" she asked worriedly.
"Not at all," replied Remus, quickly regaining his composure and sending Tonks a sideways glance. "We were just talking. Did you… er, need something?"
"Yes, actually," Molly tittered. "Have either of you seen Sirius?"
"Not since the meeting," Tonks responded. "Why?"
"Well, you see, Kingsley was looking for him. He needed to know something about the guard duty roster, I'm not sure if…"
"He may be in his parents' room, feeding Buckbeak," Remus answered.
"Okay, I'll check there." She made no sign of leaving.
"Is there anything else?" Remus asked politely.
"Would you come along, Remus?" she asked anxiously. "Apparently he's been in a surly mood since morning."
"Of course," he replied courteously, and then he turned to Tonks. "I'll… talk to you later?"
"Yeah," she mumbled, as he shot her an apologetic glance and left with Molly.
Curse everything. Couldn't they have had thirty more seconds?!
Tonks gazed at nothing in particular, trying not to think about what could have happened had Molly not interrupted. She couldn't believe the turn of events that had taken place just minutes ago. He felt the same way. He believed that he was a burden on her. Tonks could see why he would think that, though she didn't agree with it for a second. And yet, the desire had been evident in his eyes. He, too, had been leaning in...
No, she chided herself. Not now. Go home. What if someone else finds you in here?
Sighing, she slid off the edge of the bed and walked into the kitchen, where Kingsley and Sirius, whom they must have found, were in deep discussion. Plenty of other people were at the table, eating whatever Molly had whipped up, or having casual chats, and many were just starting to leave.
Tonks sighted Remus across the room, in conversation with Bill. He caught her eye and smiled, said something to Bill, and walked over to her.
"There's no need, really," she managed, as the butterflies in her stomach took flight once more. "I was just leaving."
"I'll walk you to the door," he said politely.
She smiled and walked alongside him until they reached the door of Grimmauld Place. Unfortunately, there were many people around them, which made it hard for them to have a private conversation without being overheard.
"See you," she muttered.
"You too," he replied, giving her a small smile. "Talk to you later."
She mustered a smile. "Yeah."
And she stumbled down the stairs and disapparated to the warmth and safety of her flat.
A/N: Agh Molly! We were just getting to the good part! Next up is the full moon, taking a greater toll on Remus than usual, and a super fluffy chat with Sirius! Stay tuned for chapter 30.
Only seven more chapters! I can't believe we've come this far already. Thank you guys so much for supporting me through this journey (which I might add is my first fanfiction ever!)
Let me know what you think! :)