chapter 21: healing

Mitsuha - 11 June

I step in gingerly, curious as to what it's going to be like. It's my first ever time seeing a psychiatrist. I spend a few moments taking my surroundings in: the psychiatrist's office is cozy, the warm yellow wallpaper and fluffy carpet making me feel so comfortable almost immediately. I notice my psychiatrist sitting on the couch, greeting me with a smile.

"Hello! It must be your first time here. I'm Kosuke, and you must be," he says, pausing to check the clipboard in his hands, "Mitsuha. This must be your grandmother. Well, have a seat."

I nod timidly and sit down on the couch across his, Grandma joining me.

"How are you feeling today, Mitsuha?" Dr. Kosuke asks me cordially.

I smile and respond, "I'm feeling… quite fine today."

He smiles as he responds, "That's great to hear. Now, I understand you were recommended for a diagnosis from the hospital? It's okay if this is difficult for you to talk about, but I heard you recently attempted to commit suicide? Now, don't worry, you're already on the path of getting better. I'm just going to ask you a few questions now. Let's start by getting to know the reasons why you feel you are in this mental state or the things that might have caused you to want to commit suicide."

I gulp. He's right. This will be hard to talk about, especially with Grandma here, but I'll be honest. This is to help me, and I owe it to myself to try to get better. I have to be strong about this. Grandma will have to hear about it too.

I take a deep breath and begin, "Well, I know it sounds absurd but well, here goes. My hometown is Itomori. The town that was destroyed by the comet years ago. Pretty much the entire population of the town was evacuated to safety before it hit. About a month ago, I had some visions in my sleep. I don't know why they started, but they just did all of a sudden. It was a… normal day? I just fell asleep at night and had a strange, terrifying dream. I was in Itomori again. I could see the comet fragments nearing, but this time we were all still in the village. They were headed towards us rapidly. I was… petrified yet helpless. I felt so paralyzed, only able to watch, waiting for what I knew was about to happen. And then… well, it happened. It really felt like I died. God, it was-" I choke on the tears cascading down my face, "It was just so painful. And I was so damn afraid. The last thing I saw before I faded away was my grandma and my sister being crushed by the comet fragments, disappearing into the debris. Then I got crushed too. And I've had this same dream over and over, having to feel myself dying, ripped to shreds over and over again, it's simply...nauseating. It can't leave me alone at night..."

My voice grows softer and softer, shrinking down to a whisper, and at the end, only barely audible. I can see the gleam in Grandma's eyes in my peripheral vision; it's reflective of some kind of cold, sad, shock. It must be really surprising to hear all this. After all, it was all so sudden and so… unusual. I must sound so absurd to her right now.

"Thanks, Mitsuha," Dr Kosuke continues, "Can you describe how you feel in your regular day to day life that's different from before you started having these dreams? For example, do you feel like your sense of interest in certain things that you used to enjoy has diminished unusually?"

I pause to think, replying, "Well… I guess I used to like braiding and weaving but the past month has just been so gruelling that I can't really muster any energy or motivation to do it anymore. Wow, that's actually really sad to think about."

Dr. Kosuke nods gently in sombre acknowledgement, then continues, "You mentioned you also have trouble falling asleep almost every night, yes? Have you also felt a significant loss of energy daily, and felt really fatigued?"

I answer, "Yes, I have. It's so exhausting."

Dr. Kosuke nods and continues, asking, "Can you describe how you feel on a daily basis?"

Solemnly, I start, "I just feel, as I've said, really exhausted. But also really fearful. and at the same time, hopeless. Because I've woken up every single day wondering if I'll have to go through the same hell in my sleep that night, and without fail I do. It just grasps me and sucks me into the same visions of that moment. I don't know why this is all happening. I've spent every day hoping that maybe I'll have a night where I can breathe for once. But all my hope is drained and I feel so powerless. Yeah... it's just so suffocating. Every night is almost always a sleepless one. I feel like shit every day. I have no energy or will to go out and do anything anymore."

I pause and sigh. It's so painful to hear all of that said out loud. To review all the pain I've felt this past month; all the despair. Just hearing it all and really seeing how it's tearing me apart in one big picture. I can't stop thinking about how this must be so much to take in for Grandma. I glance at her, and the contours on her aged face seem to have multiplied. The stress is getting to her, but beyond that, I can see from her eyes that she also feels that sense of cold, terrible misery. Looking at the state of my mental health, I feel the same. I take a deep breath once more, and try to compose myself.

This will all get better. I'll get treated and I'll solve it. I'll be strong, and the pain will be over. In due time.

Dr. Kosuke continues, "Have you lost or gained weight significantly this past month?"

I don't know the answer to that; I never really noticed. I reply, "I didn't really keep track. I'm not sure…"

"It's fine then, for now. Have you felt anxious and agitated constantly? For example, have you found yourself pacing back and forth frequently?"

"I… I guess? I feel really tense all the time, and I don't know why. It's like life is moving so fast and I'm alone and I can't keep up," I sigh.

Dr. Kosuke nods, and responds, comfortingly, "I'm sorry to hear that. I assure you, things will get better. Hang on to that hope. In the meantime, I'd like to know if there was any history of something similar to your situation. In your family? Or have you felt something like this before, such as through any other illnesses?"

"Not that I know of. This all just happened so suddenly. There has never been anything like this before," I reply.

"Do you consume alcohol frequently? Are there certain drugs you use?"

I respond firmly, "Never. Not at all."

Hearing this, Dr. Kosuke takes a deep breath and says, "Alright then, Mitsuha. Thank you. That's all for today. I don't think we'll need any lab tests for now but as for today I'll be prescribing you some medication. You display some symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder, as well as Insomnia, and we're going to begin treating that. I'll give you some Prozac which is an antidepressant, as well as some Benadryl to help with your sleep if needed. You should be seeing a psychologist and discuss further about your mental health. We'll follow up soon and consider therapy for sleep disorders. Well then, we'll end off here. You can collect your medicine at the counter, and the details are all printed on the boxes. You can start taking them today."

I let out a deep breath. My first session wasn't as scary as I thought it'd be.

"Thanks, then. See you, Dr. Kosuke," I respond.

He waves goodbye, and I smile politely, turning to leave.

Grandma thanks Dr Kosuke too and gets up, following me out.

After I walk out of the office, the atmosphere is a little dry, and it's silent for a few moments. I look at Grandma, and she looks back.

Then, Grandma says, with some tears in her eyes, "You've been through a lot, my girl. You've been through a lot."

She hugs me, and I'm speechless for a second. I just stood, for those few moments, in her embrace, just breathing. But then, I can't help but start crying too. It's all just so much for Grandma. But it's nice to know she's here to support me.

After that, we pick up my meds and head home. It was an exhausting day. I'll need to get some rest before my next stop, the psychologist's office.