Buffy had made her way back to Wayne Manor and when she walked into the kitchen, she saw Alfred prepping for dinner, while he was chatting with Dawn, who was helping him. When her sister glanced up, her breath caught in her throat and even Alfred appeared flummoxed.
"What happened?" Dawn set her dish towel down and rushed over, eyeing her older sister with a worried look.
"I was training. Maybe I got a bit carried away."
"Maybe?"
Dawn shook her head, and glanced over her shoulder at Alfred, who nodded in understanding.
"I can finish here, Miss Dawn. Why don't you and Miss Buffy spend some time together?"
"Thanks Alfred."
Buffy smiled politely at the Wayne's butler, and followed her sister out of the kitchen and into the Wayne family library.
"Where's Willow and Kennedy?"
"They are working on tracking some information in the batcave." Dawn sat down and patted the seat next to her which Buffy took without protest. "Mind telling me what's going on?"
"You know what today is."
Dawn swallowed and nodded sadly. "I do. I had wondered if I was going to see you today."
"I sometimes wonder if I've been a terrible sister to you, Dawnie. I've tried to be more open and approachable, but sometimes I think Willow is better suited for that stuff than I am."
"Willow is different, it's true. She listens, and encourages my pursuit of all things technical but she's not my sister, Buffy. You are. I know this thing with Spike has got you down."
Buffy's hazel eyes locked with the bright blue of her baby sister and she said quietly, "I didn't realize you knew."
"I followed you both out the other night when you left dinner and overheard the conversation. Frankly, it was long overdue."
"Really? I thought you'd be more upset with me."
"Why?"
"Because you love Spike like a brother."
"I do, but we both know that Spike for all his changes, has too much of William beneath his exterior. He's rough, restless and has a cruel streak."
"He does." Buffy admitted pained. "Part of me wondered if it was better to stay with Spike despite his shortcomings, because..."
Buffy faltered and Dawn gripped her sister's hand in sympathy.
"Because you felt you didn't deserve any better? Or because you're afraid to want more?"
"Both?" Buffy replied after a moment. "I could've let Riley in more. I knew he loved me, but I had been so damaged by my relationship with Angel I wasn't ready for someone like Riley."
"And now you are?"
"I don't know. I see Faith with Bruce and how much he loves and supports her."
"He loves her unconditionally."
Buffy bowed her head and felt her heart clench at that truth.
"He really does."
"It's tough, isn't it?"
"What?"
"Being in Faith's shoes."
"What?"
Dawn chuckled softly as she turned her body to face her sister full on. "You've always been the one in the enviable position. You've had the better Watcher, support system, even lovers. Angel, Riley and Spike. Faith had Wood, and we both knew that wouldn't last but even so, I don't think either one of us saw him doing what he did to Faith. You were always the stronger Slayer, the more powerful—"
"The Chosen One."
"Yes." Dawn sighed. "But somehow, Faith found her happily ever after and along the way she found herself with a different level of power than you. She's not in your shadow anymore and as much as you are happy for her? You're jealous of what she has now and that's not something you've ever felt where Faith was concerned."
"You make me sound like a bitch, Dawn."
"You're not. You just haven't found your happily ever after yet."
"What if I don't get to have that?" Buffy asked seriously, because it wasn't like she'd thought about it more than she'd ever admit to.
"Do you really believe that?"
"Sometimes."
"Mom wouldn't want that for you, Buffy. She'd want you to be happy and find someone who can brave the madness with you. Stand with you and be there for you like Bruce is for Faith."
Buffy turned her head as several tears leaked from her eyes in succession and she whispered out brokenly, "I miss her Dawnie. I miss her so much!"
Dawn reached for her sister and crushed her into a emotive hug, which Buffy returned as they both sat there crying for the mother that they missed.
"Do you ever regret coming back?" Dawn whispered into Buffy's ear and the older woman clutched her sister tighter briefly, before pulling back and cupping Dawn's cheeks in her hands as she shook her head in the negative.
"No. The hardest thing in the world is to live in it."
"But have you been truly living, Buffy?"
Buffy didn't immediately answer, because as strange as the question was, Dawn made a good point.
Had she just been going through the motions all this time?
"I don't know." She said at last and then smiled ruefully. "Do you remember that time when Xander accidentally called forth Sweet?"
"The singing and dancing demon?"
"Yeah."
"You know? You never did tell me all the things you ended up singing about."
Buffy chuckled as she remembered back to that time.
"Well, there was this one time in the graveyard. It was strange, because I broke out in song as I was slaying and it seemed too weird, but not..."
"What did you sing about?"
"Going through the motions, actually."
"Really?" Dawn grinned.
"Yep."
"Can you remember it?"
Buffy snickered and nodded, causing Dawn to clap in glee. "Oh, sing it for me please?"
"Seriously?"
"Yep."
Buffy took in her sister's more than eager expression, and caved.
"Well, the baddies sang their parts too."
"And you remember it all?"
"Yes."
"Well, sing it all then!"
"Fine."
Clearing her throat several times, Buffy began...
Every single night the same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight
Still I always feel the strange estrangement
Nothing here is real
Nothing here is right
I've been making show of trading blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I've been going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate
My heart...
I was always brave and kind of righteous
Now I find I'm wavering
Crawl out of your grave
You'll find this fight just doesn't mean a thing
She ain't got that swing...
...thanks for noticing
She does very well with fiends from hell
but lately we can tell
That she's just going through the motions
Faking it somehow
She's not even half the girl she's...ow...
Will I stay this way forever
Sleepwalk through my life's endeavor
How can I repay?
Whatever...
I don't want to be...
Going through the motions
Losing all my drive
I can't even see
If this is really me...
And I just want to be...
Alive...
Dawn just stared at her sister and then they both broke out in laughter, eventually devolving into hysterical guffaws, not noticing they had company.
"Was that supposed to be funny, B?"
Buffy glanced up and saw Faith, Bruce, and Willow watching both she and Dawn, and they both lost it again.
"Let me guess?" Willow grinned, "Sweet?"
"Yeah." Buffy finally nodded, wiping tears from her eyes while Dawn was clutching her chest trying to stop herself from hiccoughing.
"I don't get it," Faith snarked, "What's a Sweet?"
"Singing and dancing demon."
"Really?" Faith's voice indicated she didn't quite believe it, but Willow nodded seriously.
"Xander accidentally called him forth and for several days all anyone in Sunnydale did, was sing and dance. Well, dance to death but yeah...it was odd for sure."
"And that was what you chose to sing about, B?"
"Well, to be fair it wasn't too long after my resurrection and I was feeling a bit off."
Faith just gave her husband an incredulous look, but Bruce looked more amused than anything.
"Interesting song choice." Was all he said before kissing his wife and leaving her to check on dinner.
"He thinks we're mental, as Spike would say." Dawn snickered and Buffy replied, "we kinda are."
"True." Faith agreed as she moved into the room and sat down. "You look better. You're healing faster than usual?"
"Yeah. Ever since Danthalzar fell, and we merged together, it seems my powers have been changing a bit too. Not that I'm complaining, cause it definitely makes things more interesting."
"I get that." Faith agreed, before she turned to Dawn. "How you doing, Dawnie?"
"I'm okay, Faith. I came to terms with Mom's death years ago."
Faith nodded, but didn't reply as she still felt quite a bit of guilt over the last time she'd seen Joyce and how badly she'd behaved. Buffy noticed Faith's fallen expression and she said softly, "Mom never held anything against you, Faith. I think she felt bad for everything that happened and in the end probably understood more than I did how much pain you were in."
"But I never got to tell her how sorry I was. She was always so good to me, even when I didn't deserve it."
"That was just who she was."
Faith sighed and nodded, before standing up. "I'll let you two spend some time together."
Buffy and Dawn watched Faith leave, while Willow just frowned after the dark Slayer.
"It still eats her up even after all this time, doesn't it?"
"Faith carries around the guilt, same as me. It's different, but no less damaging. I think Mom would've liked to see what Faith has done for herself, and how she's come out on the other side a better person."
"Are you both going to be okay?" Willow asked and Buffy nodded.
"We're good. I think I'm going to head back into Gotham. I just came by to check in on Dawn, but I really need to get back and make sure Merlyn behaves himself." Buffy then turned to her younger sister and gave her another hug. "Call me if you need me."
"I will. And for what it's worth, I think you're a great sister, Buffy."
"It's worth a lot. I love you Dawn."
"Love you too."
Both women watched the Slayer as she left the library and Willow turned to Dawn and asked seriously, "She and Spike ended things, didn't they?"
"Buffy ended it, but Spike agreed."
Willow chose not to comment as she left the library to head back down to the batcave, leaving Dawn to ponder just how best to help her sister, but not really knowing what to do for her.
Buffy made it back to Gotham just before dinner and decided to get some Chinese for Tommy and the other guests.
When she walked into the Penthouse, she found Tommy talking to someone on the phone while his back was to her.
"I'm fine Laurel. I'm here with my Dad and Oliver." There was a pause where Buffy could hear Laurel asking a question and Tommy chuckled. "No, he's behaving himself but it's not like he has much of a choice. I can tell you all about it when I get home." Another pause and then Tommy sighed, his voice cajoling as he promised, "I know. No secrets. You know I can't keep anything from you anyway. Must be that deadly lawyer instinct you have in ferreting out the truth. I never stood a chance." Another brief laugh and then Buffy's heart clenched at hearing the clear adoration in Tommy's voice as he said simply, "Love you, Babe. Yes...yes...I'll make sure Oliver doesn't do anything stupid. I miss you too. I'll be home as soon as I can, promise."
Buffy heard Laurel telling Tommy that she couldn't wait to see him and to call her the next day with an update, which he promised to do and then the phone went dead. When Tommy turned around, his expression registered his surprise at seeing Buffy standing there. Then his face broke out into a wide grin as he noticed the bags of sustenance.
"Dinner?"
"Yeah. Hope you like Chinese. Mr. Quan has the best dumplings and Peking duck in town."
"Sounds good!" Tommy grinned as he came over and took the packages, but not before giving her a once over. "You weren't kidding about advanced healing, were you?"
"Nope. By tomorrow I'll be all better and back to fighting the good fight."
Tommy chuckled and shook his head, before his eyes caught a movement behind him and his signature grin morphed even wider at his best friend, who was standing there looking a bit awkward.
"Hey man! Buffy brought Chinese. You hungry?"
Buffy glanced over her shoulder, to blue eyes that were watching her closely. Trying her best not to be unnerved by Oliver Queen's intense stare down, she moved into the kitchen to grab some plates and utensils. Looking into the fridge, Buffy sighed as there was some bottled water, and oddly—beer. Grabbing everything, she set it out on the table—ignoring the two friends as they started to pull out the food she'd bought.
"Nice! Firecracker prawns!" Tommy grinned. "And Hong-Kong style noodles! You're a woman after my own heart, Buffy!"
Buffy snickered and said playfully, "Does your fiancée know what an incorrigible flirt you are?"
"Laurel knows, but thankfully she's secure in the knowledge that she's it for me so not to worry. I'm harmless."
"Good to know."
Tommy glanced at his best friend, who was quietly listening in and he decided to have some fun.
"You seeing anyone, Buffy?"
She couldn't help the stiffening of her shoulders, but all she said was, "No."
"Oh," Tommy nodded, his eyes darting to Oliver who was sitting down and opening his water bottle, "do you live in Gotham?"
"London these days, although I was in Rome for a few years. Sunnydale before that. Los Angeles before that."
"Did you like Rome?"
"Not really."
"Then why were you there?" Oliver asked quietly as he dished up some Peking Duck.
"Hell Mouth. Ancient one. Lots of baddies."
Buffy's reply was short, as she too sat down and grabbed a container of Sweet and Sour Pork.
"How long were you there?" Tommy piped in as his plate was now full with a little bit of everything.
"A few years."
"Do you like London?" Oliver asked politely and Buffy shrugged.
"Watcher's council is in London and my Watcher, Giles lives there. Dawn's home base is in London, so I try to spend time with her when I'm not running around from place to place. Thankfully, things have been a lot more quiet in the past three years since Faith killed Danthalzar and the remaining Hell Mouth seals have been temporarily subdued. There's still baddies and evil, but not like it was before."
"Remaining seals?" Tommy inquired hesitantly. "How many are there?"
"We know there was one in Sunnydale which was destroyed. The one here can't be destroyed, but it's been inactivated for now. The three that remain are in Rome, Cleveland and the ancient site of Babel."
"So Iraq?" Oliver murmured and Buffy nodded.
"If there are others, we don't know about them. We didn't know about the one here in Gotham until a few years ago. That's what the Watcher's Council does, is look for convergences of evil where a Hell Mouth might be found. Again, in the last three years there's been very little out there."
"That's good then." Tommy offered in encouragement, and Buffy shrugged.
"You'd think so."
"You don't?" Oliver pried, as his blue eyes locked with her's and Buffy couldn't tell what the emotion was behind them. The green archer was good at keeping his feelings under wraps.
"Evil, whether it be human or supernatural will always be a problem. When the potentials were activated after Sunnydale, it allowed me some freedoms that I hadn't enjoyed prior, but before Faith went down into the seal and fought Danthalzar, Willow returned the powers to her, and by extension me."
"Faith showed us what happened."
"Why?" Buffy's voice was a mixture of hardened disbelief.
"My Dad didn't believe her when she told us she'd killed Danthalzar. So she showed us."
Buffy's face scrunched up in confusion before she hummed in sudden understanding.
"The Scythe."
"Yes." Oliver admitted. "The fight was brutal."
"I know."
"She showed you too?"
"No, I was there."
"What?!" Tommy blurted out, but Buffy just shrugged.
"Why didn't we see you?" Oliver asked, his voice tinged with something Buffy couldn't define.
"I wasn't there in a physical sense. Only those who have the blood of the Old One's could enter the seal here in Gotham, unlike the one in Sunnydale. But Willow, Giles and I did an enjoining spell. We called on the Powers of Sineya, the First Slayer to help Faith defeat Danthalzar."
"So you merged your powers with Faith's."
"And Willow's, yes."
"Wow!" Tommy shook his head in wonder. "If I hadn't seen Faith's fight myself, I'm not sure I would've believed such a thing possible."
"Most people wouldn't." Buffy agreed with a soft smile.
"So now there's just you and Faith?"
"Yep."
"And how do you feel about that?" Oliver asked, his unreadable eyes assessing...
Waiting...
And Buffy just laughed.
"Am I supposed to feel something about it?"
"Don't you?"
"This is my destiny, Queen. Always has been, always will be until I decide it's not, so what good would it do me to feel something about it? Faith lucked out in finding someone who is strong, brave and resilient enough to stand with her through the madness that is a Slayer's life, but the truth is she isn't the Chosen One. When she died, there was no other Slayer called."
"You sound resentful." Oliver bit out, and Buffy's eyes narrowed dangerously, while Tommy just sat back and shook his head at how ridiculous his friend was being.
"What's the matter, poor little rich boy?" Buffy gritted out venomously. "Must be so hard for you? You make one bad mistake cheating on your fiancée and inadvertently thinking you killed her sister with your poor choices, and somehow that gives you a lock on pain and suffering?"
Tommy paled, while Oliver glowered angrily and stood up—placing his palms flat on the table in warning.
"Don't talk about things you know nothing about!"
"Pot and Kettle, much?" Hazel eyes flashed with triumph. "You have no idea what being a Slayer is like! You've built up Faith as some unattainable being in your mind, but the truth is—someone like you could never handle the ugliness that comes with the darkness of being a Slayer! So you've trained with the League...I can smell it on you. Big deal. You were likely forced into doing it to save your own skin and somehow you think you know about suffering?" Buffy laughed out loud, but it was so full of cynicism and hurt, that it took both Oliver and Tommy aback momentarily.
But she wasn't done...
She then extended her hand, and like Faith had done just hours before...called the Scythe to her and once again the mist appeared but this time it wasn't Faith's life on display...
It was Buffy's...
And both Tommy and Oliver watched in utter stark realization of the true horrors and anguish being the Chosen One entailed...
Buffy didn't hold anything back...
From the time she was called at fifteen...
Her life changing irrevocably and the burning down of her high school and expulsion in Los Angeles...
Moving to Sunnydale and meeting Angel and her friends...
The Prophecy and her first death at the hand of the Master...
How Angel lost his soul and the subsequent death of Jenny...
The confrontation with Angel and the portal of Acathla opening...
Angel getting his soul back, and her having no choice but to run him through with her sword to save the world...even as it broke her heart...
Kendra's death...Faith...the Mayor...
The brutal fight with Faith...the destruction of Sunnydale High...
College...Riley, the Initiative, body swapping with Faith, Adam and the enjoining...
Glory, Dawn as the key, Riley and her Mother's death...
Her final battle with Glory...
Her sacrifice to save the world and her final words to Dawn...
Her ultimate resurrection as she clawed her way out of her coffin...
Her loss of humanity...
Her singing in the graveyard...
Singing to her friends that by bringing her back, she'd been expelled from eternal peace and rest...from heaven...
The pain and suffering of Tara's death...
Being shot as she died a third time...
Caleb, the First...the potentials being picked off one by one...and her being powerless to stop it...
The heartbreak and betrayal by all her friends, including her sister...as she was kicked out of her own home and left to wander...
Spike, the Scythe and her decision to share her powers with the potentials...even after they'd betrayed her...
The fight with the First and the destruction of Sunnydale...
The memories continued one after another, and Oliver watched it all as he felt the rage, despair, anger, fear, hopelessness, power, bravery, love and sacrifice and when it was done—he looked into clear hazel eyes that had seen things he'd never imagined in his wildest dreams, but before he could speak, Buffy's voice cut through him like fire...
"I don't owe anyone anything anymore! I was so ready to die. I welcomed it and my friends wouldn't let me go! Then they betrayed me when it all became too much for them, Faith included. Despite what you might want to think about me Queen, I've never shirked my duty to those I care about, nor to the rest of the world. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it, everyday. So that's what I do now—live. I go through the motions moving from one thing to the next, because it's what I have to do. You chose to be a vigilante to assuage your guilty conscience. I didn't get a choice! Remember that."
And with a final nod to Tommy, Buffy stormed out of the room and Oliver flinched when he heard a door slam.
When he glanced over at his best friend, Tommy's eyes were filled with tears.
"You really fucked that up, man."
Oliver nodded. "Yeah, I think you're right."