My time ticks around you
But then I need your voice
As a key to unlock all
The love that's trapped in me…
We are all born in a world of doubt
But there's no doubt
I figured out I love you
I feel lonely for
All the losers that will never
Take the time to say
What's really on their mind instead
They just hide away
Yet they'll never have
Someone like you to guide them
And help along the way

- "When It's Time," Green Day

. . .

Deeks was searching in the dark. He held up the small flashlight on his phone as he hunted through room after room of his house. "Where are you?" he called out.

Derrick and then Kensi appeared before him with lights of their own and Derrick asked, "Who are you looking for?"

Deeks replied, "Max. He was here awhile ago but now I can't find him."

Kensi took his hand, assuring him, "Don't worry, we'll help you look." They continued their search until he woke.

Since his meeting with Isaac, Deeks' vivid dreams had continued, but their frequency and intensity had decreased significantly. Now, a few weeks later, he awoke to hear his wife downstairs babbling to his daughter, and he let that wonderful sound distract him from reflecting on his latest dream's meaning. He knew his son had likely already left for school, and he took a few minutes to savor the fact that he didn't feel any physical pain. He'd had the cast on his wrist removed the week before, and though he still struggled to walk and needed regular physical therapy for the foreseeable future, he was finally feeling more like his old self.

Later in the day, Kensi put Delilah down for a nap and took a break to join her husband out on the patio's outdoor sofa where he sat reading in the sun. She sat down beside him and leaned back, enjoying the warmth on her skin. Eventually she turned to him and asked, "What did you dream about last night?" It had become her regular question, and a successful method to get him to share more about his experiences and worries.

With a small sigh, he told her, "The only dream I remember was you and Derrick helping me search for Max."

Seeing Deeks' nightmares gradually decrease in frequency had buoyed Kensi's spirits and, she thought, his as well. She hadn't been woken in the middle of the night to try to soothe him back to sleep since the night before he'd met with Isaac. His dreams continued to relate to his experiences on the operation, but she took their declining intensity as a sign that he'd managed to come to terms with much of what had happened. She wondered why this morning his subconscious had looped back to one of the op's earlier challenges - Max Gentry's failure to appear - which had forced Deeks to take on all the unsavory parts of his assignment without the emotional buffer Max might have provided.

"That's interesting," she commented.

"Yeah."

She inwardly sighed at his resistance to delving into the meaning behind his dream, and she nudged him, asking, "What do you think it means?"

After a moment's thought, he replied, "I'm not sure... I never really figured out why Max was a no-show on the assignment. I guess it's the one part of the op I'm still trying to make sense of."

Kensi had given the subject of Max Gentry a lot of thought, not only over the course of Deeks' recent assignment, but ever since she'd first encountered him during their early days as partners. She had at least one possible explanation, but she wanted to see if she could help him figure it out for himself. She asked, "Do you have any theories?"

"Not really," he replied. "Do you?"

She smiled at him, reaching out to brush the long hair out of his hesitant blue eyes. She told him, "I do." She saw him raise his eyebrows in surprise and wait for her to reveal her thoughts. She mentally crossed her fingers that he'd let her explain without growing angry or shutting her down, and that he just might hear her words and believe them, and believe in himself. She wanted so badly for him to see himself like she did, as the best person she knew. She wanted him to make peace with his past actions, but wasn't sure if it would ever happen. Still, she refused to give up trying to help him get there.

. . .

Deeks did not want to talk about Max. He'd largely acquiesced to Kensi's daily questions about his dreams, trying to heed Nate's advice to open up about his thoughts and feelings. The advice had helped and he had to acknowledge that it had carried him further in his recovery than he'd had any reason to expect in such a short time. Yet every time he and Kensi began a discussion about his dreams, he couldn't help but picture himself lying on a couch, with Kensi as Sigmund Freud, complete with Austrian accent and beard. It always made him inwardly smile right before he decided the whole effort was intrusive and unnecessary. Still, he almost always humored her, unable to resist her sincere and loving efforts to help. So he braced himself to talk about his missing alter ego, curious to hear Kensi's theory but certain it wouldn't change anything.

Kensi began, saying, "You always saw Max as a part of your dad that you inherited, right?"

"Yeah," he said, eyes downcast as familiar feelings of shame washed through him at the idea that he shared such dark DNA, and at all the contemptible things it had led him to do.

"But wouldn't you say that you learned about your dad's dark side through your childhood experiences?"

"Of course," he replied, frowning in confusion and wondering where Kensi was going with her questions. They'd never discussed Max in much detail before. He'd always fought to keep her as far away from him as he could, and he'd certainly never wanted to dissect him like this.

"Here's the thing," she told him, "I don't think you literally inherited your dad's dark side, or Max for that matter. I think you learned about that dark side by first-hand observation and… horrible experiences. I don't think your DNA programmed you to ever do anything to hurt people."

"So I just learned how to hurt them? That doesn't really make me feel any better about myself, Kens," he told her.

"I think it makes a difference," she said in an even voice, reaching out to take his hand in hers. "If it's part of your DNA, you can't really change it. But if it's something you learned, I think it's also something you can unlearn. And I think you've basically unlearned Max – and unlearned your father."

He pondered her words, unsure if he understood her theory but willing to hear her out. He looked up at her with a questioning look and waited for her to elaborate.

"Your dad," she continued, "he hurt you and your mom because it made him feel powerful, because it gave him a sense of control over his life. It kills me that he did that and sometimes I wish he wasn't dead so I could tell him what I think of him."

Deeks' lips quirked upward at the idea of Kensi taking on his father. He would definitely pay to see that.

Kensi continued, "When you were… trying to get Isaac to talk, was there any part of you, no matter how tiny, that felt even a glimmer of a fraction of pleasure in having that power over him?"

Deeks' head reeled at the idea that he might have enjoyed hurting Isaac. He shook his head and proclaimed decisively, "No, Kens. Absolutely not… I felt nothing but revulsion. I would have given anything to have figured out a way to make it stop. Anything."

"See," she replied, "That's the difference between you and Max. Between you and your father. They would have enjoyed it, right? But I don't think they're inside you anymore… You told me once that some days it was too easy to be Max. But now, it's not even possible for you to be him, no matter how hard you try." She squeezed his hand and added, "Don't you see that whatever piece of your father you once carried, whatever piece of him Max represented, it's gone? They're both gone... They no longer exist, Deeks."

As Kensi's words sunk in, tears sprang into his eyes. He stared at her, searching her face for the truth behind her words, desperately wanting them to be right but unable to allow himself to accept them. Kensi's radical theory about Max confused him. When Max had failed to arrive to help him handle his undercover assignment with the Brothers of the Rope, Deeks had chalked it up to his alter ego being an asshole who didn't care about anybody, including Deeks. He'd thought it was just his bad luck, and maybe a sign that he lacked the ability to do his old law enforcement job anymore. He considered Max such an ingrained part of him that he'd never have imagined it possible he could evaporate for good.

Regardless of the reasons for Max's absence, he knew he was still capable of carrying out ugly, violent acts, and he reminded Kensi, "But I've hurt so many people."

She leaned closer to him, her hands briefly cupping his jaw and wiping away a few stray tears before returning to hold his hand. "Deeks, I know you still blame yourself for things in your past. For Afghanistan, for Boyle. But I don't think you're the same person even from the one I met in that MMA gym. You've always fought against your father's legacy, you've always hated Max." She paused and placed a kiss on his cheek. "I think you won that fight, baby. You've spent your entire life protecting people. The things you blame yourself for doing? You did them all because you were trying to protect people. You've always been driven by that goal, you've always tried to do good. I think that's really what you took away from your experiences with your father, Deeks. That you wanted to be his opposite, that you wanted to do good. And I think all the good work that you've done over a lifetime of protecting people, and all the love that you've shared with me and the kids and with so many people, I think it all combined to destroy Max, and to pound to dust any last remaining bits of your father. It's OK to let them go, Deeks... You're done with them, baby."

With Kensi's heartfelt words, Deeks' tears unleashed and he reached out to pull her into a hug and he clung to her. He questioned her theory, but his love and gratitude for her overwhelmed him. That she had chosen him, that she loved him, would never cease to amaze him. That love alone was almost enough to convince him that he must have done something right in life. He wanted to tell her all that and more, but his surging emotions only allowed him to hang onto her and whisper in her ear, "I love you so much."

She hugged him tightly and told him, "I love you too, baby." They sat like that for several minutes while Deeks got his emotions under control. Eventually he pulled back and told her, "Thank you for having so much faith in me. Your theory is beautiful. I'd really like to believe it… but I'll have to think about it."

"You do that," she replied. "In the meantime, consider this… You trust me, right?"

"With everything," he assured her without hesitation.

"Do you think I'm a good judge of character?"

"Yes," he told her, knowing that her keen ability to assess suspects and witnesses had been a key element of their success in the field.

"Well then trust my judgment on this," she told him in her serious partner tone. "Don't second guess it. Believe me when I say that you are the best, most loving, person I've ever known. I've seen you fight your demons. I hope I've helped you fight them. And Deeks, I think you won that fight a long time ago and you don't even realize it."

The idea moved him, and Kensi's faith in him took his breath away. He silently vowed to try to give himself the benefit of the doubt for once and see if he couldn't embrace the idea that Max was truly dead and gone, and that he was free.

He was in a restaurant having breakfast with his extended family. The kids and the whole team were there, laughing and joking. He had a waffle the size of a large pizza in front of him and he smiled as Kensi continued to reach over and steal large chunks. Then he remembered he was supposed to be on guard for the bad guys, and to feel afraid. He glanced around, searching the restaurant for monsters. He saw a large, furry green creature at the counter and he tensed, reaching for his weapon, until he noticed it laughing and tickling the other green creature that sat next to it. Then he noticed a purple creature at a table in the back. He saw its scales and the fire it breathed, but relaxed when he realized it was using its fire breath to light the birthday candles on a cake for the other purple creatures at the same table.

He turned back to his own table and watched his family enjoying each other's company and wondered if it was OK to join them. Kensi apparently read his mind and told him, "Hey, laughing's good."

He replied, saying, "Yeah, OK."

One Saturday morning a few weeks after his talk with Kensi, Callen picked him up, having texted him the night before about taking him out for breakfast. He mysteriously refused to reveal the destination, but Deeks went along, happy to be out and about under his own power, albeit with the aid of a cane.

As Callen drove down the 405 and then turned off onto the Harbor Freeway heading south, Deeks began to grow anxious. "We're not eating breakfast at any of the Brothers' seedy bars, are we?" he asked.

"Nope," Callen replied. "We are heading to San Pedro, but I promise we're not going to Walker's."

Deeks sat back and put his trust in his friend even as the freeway ended and they seemed to be heading straight for the bar at the tip of the city where the operation had begun. As they drove down Gaffey Street, with its unending sea of fast food restaurants, and up through the Point Fermin neighborhood that was home to Walker's, Deeks' stomach began to lurch and his heart started to pound.

As they crested the highest point on the road before it spilled down into the bluff-top park by the sea where Walker's sat, Callen turned off the street and into the parking lot of the Korean Friendship Bell. The massive bronze bell, housed in a beautiful traditional open-air pavilion with animals carved into its brightly painted wood, sat on a promontory with a panoramic view over the ocean and Catalina Island to the south and the port to the east. The large grassy spaces surrounding it were filled with families picnicking and flying kites. Deeks had spent more than a few afternoons here playing basketball on the court that he was convinced had the prettiest view of any basketball court in the world.

Callen parked and got out of the car, and Deeks followed. They slowly strolled over to a bench near the basketball court that provided a view over the whole setting. Deeks didn't understand why they were here, and didn't care for the memories stirred up by the view down into the park below them, or out to the port where he'd encountered so much violence.

"Why are we here, Callen?" he asked, finally losing patience.

"I thought we'd get some breakfast back down at the Omelette & Waffle Shop, but before we did, I wanted to show you this place."

"I've been here before. It's beautiful here."

"Yeah, it is."

Deeks really wanted to end this little game of Callen's and pressed for more information, saying with an exasperated sigh, "Something tells me we're here for more than just a pretty view?"

"You remember when we gave you that long list of places the hate groups had targeted all over the country?" Callen asked.

"Yeah," he replied, remembering the incredible array of groups and locations that would have been targeted with rocket and grenade launchers had his operation failed.

Callen told him, "This place was on the Brothers' list." Oh. Now Deeks understood. The idea of a place of such peace and beauty being disrupted by savage violence made him sick to his stomach. Callen elaborated, telling him, "On August first, there was a festival to celebrate Korean-American friendship. There were almost a thousand people here."

The news hit Deeks hard. It brought Johnson's evil plan to life in a way that hearing target lists hadn't, and it made the fact that they'd quashed that plan more tangible than he'd previously understood it.

Callen explained, "Sometimes when we finish a big case, I go back to where it all happened. And I just sit there and I watch. A guy walking his dog," he gestured toward a man with his pit bull puppy, "or a couple holding hands," he pointed out two lovebirds enjoying the view. "Kids playing around," he pointed to two children trying to launch their kite into the wind blowing up from the bluffs below. "I think about all the violence, and chaos, that could have been there just a few weeks before, and now it's just life. And I know that we – you, in this case – gave them that life."

Deeks took in the view again, seeing it from Callen's perspective, and he was moved. He savored each vignette in front of him – the pets, the children laughing, the young men playing hoops, the older people enjoying the architecture, the couple speaking quietly, and he relished in the idea that he'd been a part of keeping them - or people just like them, anyway – safe. Thoughts of torturing Isaac, of being stabbed, and shot, and nearly killed, fell away like the view of the port below him, overtaken by the knowledge that he'd helped so many people and the pride of a job well done. He smiled.

Deeks' strength – physical, mental and emotional - continued to improve as September wore on. He got in touch with his law firm to talk about when he might be ready to start back up, and even thought he might soon have enough energy to reclaim his child care duties, easily the more grueling of his two jobs.

He'd continued to ponder Kensi's theory about Max's disappearance. He wanted to believe it was true. Could he really be free of Max, and his father for that matter? He wasn't sure he could ever forgive himself for his perceived past misdeeds. But he resolved to try to channel Kensi's belief in him whenever he caught himself engaging in self-doubt. Maybe it would lead him to finally believing in himself.

Whether Max – and his father – were truly gone from inside him, he didn't think he could be certain. But he was sure that he could never willingly hurt anyone again, and that he'd spend the rest of his life continuing to try to help people. With a sense of contentment, he looked forward to passing whatever time he had left working far away from the violence that had filled so much of his life.

It was dark and he looked around to find himself in a creepy cemetery. The two open graves before him both held closed caskets. He peered down at them, unsure if he was supposed to feel grief, but instead experiencing a great sense of serenity. Kensi came up beside him and handed him a shovel, and then she smiled broadly, which he found odd. She held a second shovel, and together they scooped dirt over the caskets until they were completely covered. Still smiling, she hugged him and kissed his cheek and he finally looked at the two headstones. They were unmarked but he now realized that one held his alter ego and the other his father, and as he hugged Kensi back, a sense of all-encompassing peace washed through him.

A/N: I debated over just how far to push Deeks in coming to accept Kensi's theory. My goal when I started writing this story was to allow him to find peace with his past, as represented by Max. I did my best to make that a realistic journey, but I may have pushed things a bit too far with this ending. I just couldn't help but want to make Deeks happy. I was gratified along the way at those commenters who guessed at the reasons for his absence, and I'm sorry to those disappointed that Max never appeared. Either way, I'd love to hear what you all think.

And you see, I really did keep my Chapter 1 promise to leave him mostly better off than I found him. :-)

Credit to Eric Christian Olsen and Babar Peerzada for some of Callen's words to Deeks. I borrowed them from Callen's conversation with Hetty at the end of "Mother."

And if you're ever in San Pedro, the Omelette & Waffle Shop is the best breakfast spot in a town filled with outstanding breakfast spots.

Epilogue to follow.