Chapter 19

Terra Nova

Michael squinted at the morning sun as he waited outside the Command Centre for Sergeant Reilly to join him. Jim had given him the task of helping Reilly re-train some of the soldiers. Given that he had seen battle most recently, and he was the most informed on the enemy's tactics, Jim decided that he would be a good choice to assist Reilly in getting the soldiers prepared for whatever was coming next. Most of the lower ranks had joined him already, as well as a few new recruits who had volunteered to help. They would need the most training, but the colony needed whatever help they could get at the moment.

Eventually, Michael spotted Reilly walking towards them with Nurse Ogawa. They stopped outside the Infirmary where Reilly gave the nurse a kiss goodbye. Michael raised an eyebrow and smiled at Reilly as she joined them.

"Better late than never, Sarge," he teased. He lowered his voice: "And how long has that been going on?" He looked back towards the Infirmary where Nurse Ogawa must have started her shift.

Reilly glared at him. "None of your business,Corporal. Let's get to work, shall we? We have a lot to get through."

She started to address the crowd before her, giving them a run down of the day's training programme. Michael sighed. There was a time when he and Reilly could joke around about stuff like that, but not anymore. He could tell from her hostility since he'd got back that she still had issues trusting him. That was fair enough.

He was snapped out of his thoughts when Reilly clapped her hands together, beginning to lead the group OTG. He began to follow them when he realised Skye was in the crowd.

"Squirt? What are you doing here?"

"I volunteered," she smiled. "I want to help."

"Are you sure? You know how dangerous this is going to be?"

"Michael, I'm not a kid anymore. Mr Shannon said it was okay. Besides, it's not like I'm going to be on the front line after one day of training."

He sighed. The sight of her in uniform made her look so grown up. "You remind me of your dad," he said. He smiled slightly.

She mirrored his smile. "Thanks. No bucket this time. It's the real deal."

He chuckled, remembering the stories she told him of a miniature Skye, wearing a bucket on her head to look like her military father. It certainly was the real deal now. This was clearly something she wanted and Michael wasn't about to talk her out of it, so he held a hand out as an 'after you' gesture and she followed the rest of the group towards the gates.

Michael looked back towards the Infirmary before he left, knowing that Mira and Carter were still inside, waiting for Jim, if not already being interrogated by him.

The day was going pretty well. Everyone seemed eager to learn, and Reilly was a good teacher. Not as good as Guzman or Wash were, but she was close behind. Michael could understand why she had been promoted. She had done a lot of amazing things since the occupation.

They took breaks between training segments to reflect and talk about what they were learning. Michael used these moments to divulge what he knew about his former comrades. He explained that the Phoenix Group army were taught to follow the orders of their command, no matter what. They were only loyal to the highest bidder and they were taught not to feel empathy for the people they were inflicting pain on. He also explained that the current army was largely made up of volunteers who were rushed through training and only joined because they felt they had no other choice. They weren't all bad people. He knew this, thinking about Gus. They weren't all like the army they had fought in the last battle.

The group listened intently. Most of them were young men and women who had served as Privates and Corporals throughout their posting at Terra Nova. Luckily, they seemed to trust Michael and his military knowledge. Perhaps they had realised his insight could be valuable to the next fight. Michael was just happy they were listening.

"What kind of things did they make you do?" one of the men asked him curiously.

Michael's whole expression dropped. He swallowed hard. After a long beat of silence, he finally looked up: "Terrible things. To defenceless people. They didn't care about the people we were hurting, or their own soldiers. They would have sent their men into an ambush if it meant getting their next paycheck. It didn't matter to them who got hurt in the process."

Michael kept thinking about the things he had done, the people he had hurt, most of whom hadn't deserved it. He didn't even notice when the rest period had ended and they had begun training again.

That afternoon, they covered survival and fitness training, as well as hand-to-hand combat. Michael had been pretty impressed so far, particularly by Skye who did not let her petite stature and inexperience hinder her. She even managed to get one of her fellow comrades down on the floor during the combat segment, which shocked even her. She was much stronger than she gave herself credit for, Michael thought. Things changed when they moved onto weapons training.

They were each given a pistol to shoot at a target. Reilly instructed how to hold the weapon, as well as breathing and aiming techniques in order to get a good shot.

Each soldier took it in turns to shoot a piece of wood with a dot on it. Most did well, others not so much. When it was Skye's turn, Michael noticed her holding the gun rather awkwardly. She was pointing it at the target but her mind seemed elsewhere. Her blue eyes were wide and panicked, her hand trembling. She was breathing heavily. Michael recognised that look. It was the same look on Malcolm's face at the Sixer camp, the same look that must be on his own face half the time. Skye dropped the gun.

"I'm sorry," she said, blushing. "I can't. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," Reilly said. "We can try again tomorrow. In fact, I'll meet you all again tomorrow for more training. 0700 hours. Okay?"

"Yes ma'am," the soldiers mumbled, making their way back towards the colony.

Reilly looked over at Michael who shot her an 'I've got this' look. She headed off towards the colony as he picked up the gun at Skye's feet.

"What's going on, Skye?" he asked her. Her eyes were filled with tears, her cheeks red with embarrassment.

"I'm so sorry, I just freaked. The last time I fired a gun…" she swallowed back her tears. Michael knew what she meant. The last time she fired a gun she nearly killed Lucas. The memories of that day clearly still affected her.

"Skye, it's okay. Lucas is okay. He's alive."

"I know, it's just...For so long I couldn't stop thinking about it. About him. I never wanted to hurt him or you." A tear streamed down her cheek. "I'm sorry, I just don't think I can do this."

"It's fine. You don't have to." He placed a hand on her back and led her back towards the colony. "You know if you're still experiencing any anxiety about anything you can talk to me, right? Just don't keep it bottled up."

She sniffed. "Did that help you?"

He went quiet. He realised he had been given the same exact advice and he had decided to ignore it. He knew now that it wasn't healthy, judging by Malcolm's reaction to the outside. It was more debilitating than he thought and it was only going to get worse.

That's what led him to the Shannon household that evening. Elisabeth answered the door, surprised to see him.

"Doctor Shannon. I know you're off shift and that this isn't quite what you meant by talking to someone, but do you mind if I talk to you?"

She smiled sympathetically, then opened the door a little wider.

They sat in the living room. She told him Zoe was sleeping and the other kids were out, so he could talk freely. So he told her everything. The quick version, but still everything. No doubt she knew most of it anyway.

He told her about how his mother died, about Lucas' scheming, about killing Philbrick. He told her how he fell in love with Alicia and how her illness had led him to working with the Sixers. He told her about how his father's lack of trust in him pushed him to take Lucas' side. He told her about the future and Miranda Nichol and how he had been forced to join the Phoenix Group to fight the Chicago Resistance. He told her some of the awful things he had done for them. He told her about Gus' death and all the other countless deaths he had caused.

"So many people are dead because of me," he admitted as Elisabeth listened intently. "Men, women...even children…" He leaned forward in his seat, hugging himself, remembering. He could see all of their faces, hear all of their screaming, like it was happening right now. He was powerless to stop it.

Michael buried his face in his hands, letting the tears stream from his eyes. He hadn't let it all out like this in a long time. It was a relief to say it all out loud - to tell the truth. Elisabeth knelt opposite him and took both his hands in hers, squeezing hard. He looked at her through blurry eyes, moisture smeared across his face.

"I don't deserve to be here," Michael said, sniffing. "I don't deserve forgiveness. The things I've done are unforgivable."

"Michael, war is full of ugly things," Elisabeth said softly. "You saw that from an early age. You saw what people were capable of. It robbed you of your mother, your innocence. It's been haunting you ever since." She squeezed his hand so tightly he thought she might cut off the blood flow. "There's nothing I can say to make you feel better about the things you've done but the fact you feel remorse makes you human. You didn't want to do those things. Everything you've done has been for the people you love. You fought for them. Let that define who you are. Yes it's important to take responsibility for what you've done, but don't let it destroy you. You are capable of so much good, because you are good. The people who know you - really know you - they know that you're a good person."

A few more tears dripped down his face and he released himself from Elisabeth in order to wipe his cheeks dry.

"I'm certainly no psychologist," Elisabeth said, handing him a tissue. "But that's just my gut reaction. I want you to know that you can talk to me if you need to. It only causes more harm not to talk about it." She smiled. "Thank you for being so honest with me, Michael."

Michael wiped his face with the tissue, then stared at Doctor Shannon. "You're so kind. Makes me wonder how you ended up with someone like Jim…"

Elisabeth laughed. "He's a teddy bear once you get to know him. His job as a cop made him paranoid over the years and he's always been stubborn. But eventually you'll get to love him too."

"I'll take your word for it. Thanks...for listening. It helped a lot."

They both stood up, smiling, when they heard shouting coming from the front door.

"No! Get away from me, Mark! You lied to me!"

It was Maddy. Michael and Elisabeth saw her as she stormed through the front door. They briefly saw Mark, begging for her to wait, before she slammed the door on him.

"What on earth was that about?" Elisabeth said aloud. "Will you excuse me, Michael? I need to talk to my daughter."

Michael nodded. He let himself out, only to see Mark sitting outside with his head buried in his hands. He looked up at Michael with tears in his eyes.

"I told her," he mumbled. "She didn't take it well."

Michael sighed, seeing that familiar rejected look in Corporal Reynolds' eyes. "Come on, let's go for a drink at Boylan's. My treat."

"She could barely look me in the eye," moaned Reynolds, taking his cup from Boylan's temporary replacement, Annie. Annie usually had her own store in the market, but seeing as business had slowed dramatically in the past year, she was more than happy to help Boylan out while he was still healing up in the Infirmary. Michael would have to pay him another visit soon, but now he knew Mira and Carter were also in there, he had a bit of anxiety when thinking about it.

Reynolds took a swig from his cup. "She said I had been hiding all these things from her and that she couldn't marry someone she didn't really know." He took the engagement ring out of his pocket. It was modest but nice. It must have taken a long time to find. It wasn't as though the colony had an abundance of engagement rings lying around lately.

"I'm sorry," Michael said sympathetically. A year ago, he might have thought the situation as some sort of karma, but now it was just sad. "Why did you end up telling her?"

Mark sighed, leaning over the bar. "We were just going over some stuff for the wedding and I remembered what you said about the truth always coming out. I just didn't want all that stuff to come out after we were married, you know? I don't want any secrets from her. I had to tell her."

Michael nodded. He understood. Mark took another sip of his drink, looking at Michael from the corner of his eye.

"You must be loving this," he muttered. "After what I did to you."

"Of course not," argued Michael. Then wrinkled his nose. "Okay, maybe I would have before, but it's different now. I've let a lot of anger go. And you and Maddy are perfect for each other. She'll forgive you. People forgave me...sorta."

"Sorta," Mark repeated scornfully. "Her dad'll throw me in the Brig as soon as she tells him."

"I don't think so," mused Michael.

"Why not? He locked you up."

"Yeah but you're not related to Lucas."

They both chuckled.

"Besides, it was a long time ago, right?" said Michael. "You haven't had any contact with them since?"

"No, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I was just a kid, but those people...they terrified me. That woman…"

"Oh, you remember her? Miranda Nichol?"

"She was the worst one. After I broke contact, I was actually really nervous she was going to come after me. I didn't sleep for weeks. I hid that old communicator under my floorboards and tried not to think about it. It took a long time."

Michael swigged from his own drink. The bitter liquid sailed down his throat with ease. "We're gonna stop her, Mark. If it's the last thing I do, I'm going to get my son and get my own back on that evil bitch."

Mark froze. "Wait, your son?"

Oh right. Only the council knew about his and Alicia's child. He supposed there was no harm in being honest with everyone now.

"Yeah. My son. Nichol has him now."

Mark's expression fell. He genuinely looked concerned. "I'm so sorry, Michael. I had no idea. I can't imagine..."

Michael downed his drink, trying not to let those fears eat him up again, or at least let his fear show. He wasn't going to relax until he had Alicia and their son back in his arms, but he didn't need to lose his cool in front of Reynolds. Besides, he felt like he'd released enough emotion for one day.

Reynolds looked at him solemnly. "When you go back for them, I'd like to go with you. If that's alright."

Michael was astounded. "Are you sure?"

Mark smiled. "Yeah. I want to help. It's the least I can do after how I treated you. We were all so concerned with what those people might take from us. We didn't realise how much they had already taken from you."

Michael's heart warmed. Was this friendship? He had forgotten what it was like to be Mark's friend. It reminded him how much he missed it.

"Of course," Michael said, smiling back. "Thank you."

After a few more drinks, Michael bid a slightly drunken goodbye to Mark and stumbled out of the bar towards home.

As he passed the Command Centre, he could have sworn he saw Mira and Jim inside talking. It didn't look like she was being interrogated. They were hunched together, looking over a plex. It looked like they were...working together?

Michael quickly dismissed that idea. Jim wouldn't spend months demonising Michael for working with the Sixers, and then invite the leader to work alongside him?

It must be part of his drunken imagination, he thought, then stumbled back home to fall unconscious.