Chapter 24

Duo looked up from his desk and froze when he saw Heero standing in his doorway – dirty, cold, and tear stained. For a small moment, Duo wondered how many more times he could keep watching his love destroy himself. He ached down to his soul, seeing Heero there.

"Ro?" Duo asked uncertainly, his heart racing.

"Plan B failed" Heero mumbled.

"What do you mean, Heero?"

"Plan B failed. There was no plan A yet, and plan B failed."

"You're out of plans, then" Duo said cautiously not quite following what was happening.

"I am out of plans" Heero repeated numbly.

"Okay" Duo responded, not knowing what to say.

What was there to say? Frustration burned in Duo. There were so many things Heero could do to help himself that he hadn't tried. Those were things Heero couldn't do alone. Duo didn't know if Heero was up for truly sharing his burdens. Duo hoped he had the strength if Heero did let Duo into his world again.

In that moment part of Duo wanted to pull away from Heero because he was so tired of being hurt, and worrying. Duo felt guilt that at the beginning of this long road he was already so tired. Duo's guilt turned into shame as the final thought hit him. If Heero is going to die, I wish he would die already so I can get on with learning how to live with him being gone. But this? Him constantly on the edge? I don't know how to do this. How can I be thinking this? What the fuck am I even saying?! his isn't fucking about me!

Out of shame and love, Duo pushed back his chair, stumbled to the doorway, and embraced Heero. Sobs broke through Duo's restraint as he hugged Heero and cried.

When it became clear that Heero wouldn't be able to stand any longer, even propped against the door frame, Duo half carried Heero to Duo's bed. Heero immediately fell unconscious. Duo threw a blanket over Heero, and climbed into the bed beside him. Duo longed to reach out because he didn't know what else to do, and knew better than to touch Heero while he was sleeping, so Duo laid there next to his love, until emotional exhaustion took him off to sleep.

Heero blinked at the darkness around him, trying to orient himself to his surroundings. His insides were in such a tangle that he chose to focus on the room around him instead, Duo's room. It smelled like Duo - slightly musky, and a strong hint of roses. He felt cold, and sweaty. There was a blanket on the floor that he guessed had been on him before. Duo - Duo was lying next to him, no blanket on. Heero grabbed the blanket from the floor and put it over Duo. It always surprised him how heavy Duo slept after everything Duo had been through.

Heero's body demanded his attention - his head, such familiar, terrible pain. The shakes would probably start soon, if the cold sweats already had. This was getting old, so so old. Heero suddenly didn't want to lay there anymore. A moment of clarity told Heero to write a note to Duo saying he was leaving to shower. His eye sight was blurry, and standing up reminded him his stomach was nauseous. Being nauseous was getting old. Going back to sleep sounded better just then, but anxiety told him breathing was going to be difficult, which made sleep out of the question. Shower it is.

Heero clumsily went through Duo's desk drawer to find some kind of paper. Fuck he is so messy. If he didn't feel so sick, and Duo wasn't sleeping Heero might have given into the temptation to try to organize it to bring a little more sanity to the world. He needed something to do. Nausea demanded his attention. Heero tore a corner of some document and scribbed on it shower before leaving the room, so Duo wouldn't freak out that Heero "had left" again.

The throwing up happened in the shower, which was convenient enough, and offered a sliver of relief. Heero had to sit down after because he got so dizzy. This is going to be a long ass day. Heero sat in the shower for a long time, staring at the water go down the drain.

He couldn't stop thinking, Plan B failed. Plan B failed. There is no plan. There is no plan. There is no plan.

Finally his shaking got too bad, either from the cold water or beginning withdrawals, he didn't know. He hauled himself to his feet. Stepping out of the shower he already felt better hitting the warmer air of the house.

Heero stared in the mirror and wondered why mirrors existed. When did staring at yourself matter so much? And yet, Heero stared. He felt so tired. Where was that perfect hero? An ache opened in him to be that person again, and the knowledge that he couldn't slammed into him. The limitations of being a perfect soldier then had a cost he would have to pay for the rest of his life.

THERE IS NO PLAN! He didn't know if he should yell, or hit something, or kill himself on the spot or kill someone else, or just. . . not. . . There were some many of failed plans. The drinking, the working, the pretending, the enduring, the running, the fighting, and the killing himself. He was still here, and nothing changed. Failure over and over and over again. No way out.

In the brief mental silence of laying everything bare a small part of Heero had a voice - Then what?

There is no plan. . . then what?

Nothing has worked. . . then what?

I am failing. . . then what?

Heero's brain felt to sluggish to form his thoughts. He needed to write them out. Somehow he made it to his desk, and realized that he didn't have pencil and paper because he typed everything, and because normally Normally I don't need notes to remember. He found a marker in the back of a drawer, and chided himself for the disorganization of it being there even as he felt relief at having found something. No paper. Despite the marker there was no paper. Frustrated, he went back to the bathroom, the marker lingering in his hand.

The mirror caught his attention again, his reflection disgusted him. He felt so damn tired. With his shaking hands he wrote THEN WHAT. . . ? Across his mirror.

Finally feeling heard, Heero's mind went silent again. He stared and stared at the words blur in and out of focus.

Some hours later Sally walked in the bathroom to see Heero sitting on the floor in his boxers, arms around his knees, staring up at his mirror. She looked up too, and saw what he had written there, and then looked at quizzically down at Heero. It was as if he didn't notice her there.

Without asking permission she sat down next to him. "Rough day, yesterday" she said calmly.

Heero swallowed. The energy and ability it took to talk to anyone right then was too much. His mouth felt sown shut with the heavy weight of his emotions. He closed his eyes. Sally hadn't done anything to him. She was here to help, to secure his safety, to placate the others. He willed himself to speak, and his body ignored the order. His voice would not come. Panic rose for a moment as his brain tried to calculate all the possible outcomes of his silence, but the heavy feeling absorbed the panic. Nothing matters. There is no plan.

Sally took one of hands off his knees and watched it shake. Heero flinched at her touch, but didn't pull away. Gently she gave him back his hand, fear and frustration and desparation dancing across her featured briefly. Heero wouldn't be able to keep surviving through doing this to himself. His drinking, the withdrawal, his lack of caring for his body, his breaking mind, he wasn't going to survive this. She swallowed, pushing those thoughts away for another time.

"Rough day" Sally repeated.

Heero tried again to speak, and couldn't. The words were too heavy to come out of him. His head was too heavy. He laid his head on his arms, eyes still shut. Shame at being so weak tried to rise up in him, but like the panic it was flattened by the heavy.

It was easy for Sally to feel that yesterday Heero just had another day of almost deadly drinking, and that nothing is getting better. It was easy to feel hopeless to help this person she owed everything to. She felt the guilt of being one of the many who expected the impossible of him in the war, and assuming he could do the impossible. They needed him - the wars would have never ended well without this one man. Sally had thought had thought and couldn't see another way than to have relied so heavily on the Gundam Pilots. She had just never imagined the cost of doing the impossible on these young men.

Sally looked up, studying Heero's mirror writing. She tried to understand it. She thought about her conversation with Wufei last night she remembered, "Plan B failed". Then, Heero's question of "then what?" fell into place. Here in this question, here was Heero's tiny spark of hope. This time he was able to see the futility of drinking to solve his problems, and he was still alive to realize it.

"Heero" Sally said, in the same gentle voice. "Can I add something to your mirror?"

This question had less emotion attached. Pulling again with his will Heero made a half nod, before regretting the head movement.

Picking up the marker Sally walked over to the mirror. In surprisingly neat handwriting for a doctor she wrote "friends".

She looked back at Heero, and his eyes were closed still.

"Heero. I am going to go now. I think there are other people who might have ideas of something to add to your mirror. I will be back, though. Your withdrawal history. . . suggests we need to keep an eye on you."

Heero slept there on the floor, arms folding, as others came and went, silently adding to the mirror, and making sure their sleeping warrior was still breathing.

Heero realized he must have fallen asleep again, because when he woke up his body was stiff, and there was a blanket around his shoulders. His headache seemed less angry, and he needed water.

Heero stood up with a groan and blinked at his mirror. It was covered in black marker in a variety of handwritings. Under his shaky "Then what?" was written - "Plan C-Z", and under that these people, these people had made a list of things to make up new plans.

"Friends" - Sally

"Meaningful work" - Enson

"Love" - Quatre

"Telling your story" - Trowa

"Family" - Noin

"Second chances" Zechs

"Fun!" - Zceh's kiddo.

"Health" - Wufei

"Communication" - Duo

"Purpose" - Dorthy

"Courage" - Relena

"Learning" - Cathy

"Home" - Rashid

"Duty and responsbility" - Une

"Forgiveness" - Mariemaia

Heero promptly sat back down as he stared and stared at the list, and it's implied suggestion.

Heero froze at the doorway suddenly not caring about whatever reason he had to come downstairs. They were all sitting on the couches obviously waiting for him. How long had they been sitting there? Had someone asked him to come down? Is that why he was here? Regardless, turning around seemed to be the best solution.

"No, Heero" Trowa said gently from behind. "We need you here right now. We need to talk and we want you to be a part of it."

"This is not an intervention" Quatre said, with a small plead in his voice, the obvious spokesperson. "It seems little obviously that we're not comfortable all together. There is too much tension."

"There are too many things no one will say" Trowa said, still behind him. Heero's spin pricked with a feeling of being trapped.

"We're asking you to be a part of an awkward conversation with us, Heero. It is going to get a little more awkward and uncomfortable before anything can change."

They planned this without me. They planned this about me. I won't do this.

Turning around Heero walked squarely into Trowa blocking the doorway.

"Heero, we wanted to wait until you were ready to have this conversation, but we realized 'ready' wasn't the word for talking like this" Trowa said, still gently.

Heero felt well and truly trapped now. He needed a wall behind him, not people on all sides.

"Please" Heero ground out, flits clenching in preparation to act. "stop standing behind me".

"Will you come sit down?" Trowa said placidly.

"No" Heero, answered, heart racing, "but I won't leave either."

"Okay" Trowa replied, and walked past to sit next to Quatre.

"Heero, you've been hiding from us and avoiding us. I think I get why, I get hiding. But Ro, so far doing that doesn't seem to be helping you. I know it's not helping me" Duo said quietly.

"We've made a lot of mistakes since we found out that you are struggling. All of use have. We can keep going on making mistakes, missing each other, and not understanding, and then we will fail" Trowa paused when his voice hitched.

"We will fail the meaning of being allies" Wufei continued.

Heero tried to listen to their words through the distract of panic of feeling trapped, and that heavy feeling that nothing mattered anymore. They were talking about setting down change and he was so tired.

Heero closed his eyes to focus, but as his sight went out his panic filled the information gap. I have no control. I can't just sit here and proceed as though everything is okay. I can't pull on a mast anymore. I can't refocus on the mission; there is no mission.

He knew he had to open his eyes to start breathing normally, and that they would all be staring at him when he did.

As if they had planned it, which they probably had, there as an arm chair by the door frame, one seater and empty. A place for him. Opening his eyes Heero went for the chair. Though in some ways he was more trapped in that room with them, he could breathe again. He realized they had kept talking and tried to rip his attention around to whoever was talking.

"-We want to help, and we are failing to do that right. That is more difficult when you can't decide whether or not you want to stop fighting this war alone."

Heero wanted to say something, but he didn't have the words. He told his rising emotions to silence - there was going to be much more talking to listen to before the end.

"I want to name out the situation for what it looks like to me. Maybe then we can clear up how everyone sees it. I mean, I don't want to have some kind of agenda, this is just such a difficult conversation to have that I thought maybe. . ." Quatre trailed off, feeling unsure of himself.

"Yes Quatre, there are some difficult and conflicting truths in this situation. Pretending they are not there is one of our problems. Heero, one of those is that you are in trouble. One of those is we want to help. One of those is that you living here isn't a situation where we can just watch you suffer. We are also not comfortable with you living somewhere else, and us just playing "out of sight, out of mind". I think we all found that out when you left several months ago, Heero, and each time you've disappeared since. The last truth is the one that is most difficult for us as people who care about you to recognize - right now you don't know what you want," Sally continued.

"We realize what we want is coming off not fair to you and your freedom. You've told us you feel trapped in these truths and their implications" Wufei added.

"Yes" Heero said numbly.

"But Heero. . ." Quatre cut in, "would you really let one of us destroy ourselves unchecked the way you keep asking us to?"

"Love, we've already found argument doesn't work in this discussion" Trowa said kindly to Quatre, putting his hand on Quatre's arm in support and reminder if restraint.

"Quatre" Heero sighed. If this was how the conversation was going to go, it was not for him. But it was Quatre, and he felt gratitude for Quatre's strong emotion breaking the tandem of whatever script he was about to watch unfold in this "meeting".

Heero's chest was tight. He didn't want to be under their scrutiny anymore. They would object to that word if he said it, and it was still the right one. They are all just wondering when this new, dysfunctional Heero is going to unravel in this conversation. Hell, I want to know that, too.

Deciding that moment would not be now, Heero continued talking, "I saw your plans c-z. I understand I am out of ways to improve the situation independently. I can guess your suggestion is that I make plans that involve help. I understand I can't go back to who I was in the war. I've lost the strength to be that person, and he isn't right for this time of peace. Living means living with that more effectively. I understand that means change. I am also. . . tired."

People surprised by Heero talking, and how much of the situation had taken in.

"Thank you, Heero" Sally finally said, breaking the silence. "There has been so much learning and changing forced on you here, and I don't think I for one knew where you stood."

"Before" Heero continued, surprising himself, "You said I can't decide what I want. That is incorrect. I've known what I want. I want the past to stay where it belongs, and stop showing up now. I want the war to be over. I cannot win if that doesn't happen. The indecision is in how to accomplish that mission. The indecision because I cannot accomplish that mission. Plan B failed. There are no more plans. You are telling me to make more plans. You are telling me that if I stay here I will need to work towards new plans, and if I don't stay here, you will come find me again" Heero ended ubruptly, too uncomfortable with his mounting emotions.

"Oh Heero. . ."

"Yes, I suppose that is what we are saying and hearing you say it like that, I am scared, Ro. I am scared you will. . . " Duo paused for words.

"Feel trapped, and decide it's easier to kill myself" Heero responded bluntly to the unasked question.

"Well, yes. It's kind of happened before, more than once" Quatre finished awkwardly.

"I do feel trapped" Heero said, internally choking on the expressing of emotion, "And" Heero sighed, "I don't think I can kill myself anymore."

No one spoke.

"That's. . . that's new. . ." Duo finally said.

"Something changed yesterday, Heero?" Trowa asked.

Here at last Heero's words dammed up. Telling the story of yesterday, the lost hours, the somehow ending up drunk, the remembering, and then. . . what it was he remembered. He tried to open his mouth, but the cotton and lead of his anxiety held it fast, inviting panic in. What am I so fucking afraid of? Heero depanded of himself, and then paused for the answer. I am afriad talking about it will trigger remembering something in front of them. I am ashamed to admit weakness in front of them. I know that once something is out in the world you cannot take it back. I was taught that.

"Heero? I think we've lost you, man" Duo said tentatively, trying to tap back into his friendship with Heero, and let his worries of their intimate life wait.

"Why" Heero final spat, letting angry drive away the panic. "Why is it so damned important for you to demand I share weakness with you?"

"That is part of the parameters of this mission. The mission is to keep you alive. One of the parameters is your vulnerability, just like our vulnerability is required to make this work" Wufei answered, altogether unaffected by Heero's surge in temper.

Heero was silent again.

"You keep saying Plan B failed" Trowa tried. :When you talked with me the other night you told me that you couldn't give up plan B, drinking, without a plan A. Then yesterday you told Wufei that Plan B failed, and told the same thing to Duo. I have a guess what that means. Is there a certain goal in mind that your plans are trying to accomplish?"

Heero's lack of response felt like a potential yes.

"Can I make a guess of what that is?"

Again Heero's lack of response and diffusion of anger suggested to Trowa he was on the right track. Heero was listening intently while his body told him it was time leave.

"Heero you're drinking to stop remembering the past the way you do, where it comes up in flashbacks and your mind and body feel like it's happening all over again. You drink to make that stop, or get a break from the constant worry that it's going to happen, and what you will see when it does happen."

"Plan B failed."

"You realized you had a flashback while drunk."

This was the shame he wasn't prepared for - to admit that could not solve his problem anymore.

"I'd guess" Sally said kindly, "This has happened before, but you don't remember it, which is okay. You realize it now. I think you get these memories of the past more than I realized Heero, and I then stay worried about when they will happen again. I am sorry you've been dealing with them alone."

"But something about your memory from yesterday was important?" Quatre prodded, still thinking of Heero's statement about not killing himself.

"Unknown." Heero grunted, longing to be anywhere, but in that room, and longing for the day before to not have happened.

Now was the time to wait, and give Heero space to respond, so no one said anything, and tried not to stare at the fallen warrior unconsciously slumping deeper into his chair.

Heero closed his eyes and the memory washed over him as if it had been waiting to be released - the heat, the pain, the strain, and the will to survive. The memory wanted control of his reality again. Heero gripped the arms of the chair, the lines of fabric reminding him where he was as sweat dripped down his spine. His head began pounding again.

"I remembered the end of the first war, stopping the part of Libra from hitting earth. I was falling so fast it hurt. Zero was burning up. My hands were shaking so bad I couldn't center the trigger. Zero told me the mission was going to fail. All the earth and colonies were counting on me, and I was going to fail. Then this feeling. . . I wanted to survive. The words forced themselves out of me, and that gave me focus to make the shot. Zero heard me, too, my will to survive and brought us to safety. I fell unconscious after I made the shot, and I woke up and we where safely back in the cool of space. I don't know where that will came from. I don't know why it was important to survive. Now I can't forget that it was."

The quiet of the room suggested no one knew what to say. No one had anticpated this course of the conversation. Feeling driven to do something Duo got up, walked over to the chair Heero sat on and thought damn caution to hell as he pulled Heero into an embrace.

"Thank you, Ro. I honestly never thought about what that moment was like for you, and that is my mistake. I am glad" Duo choked, "I am glad your will to survive kicked in then, because it saved us all".

As seemed to be the pattern the remembering, and the talking, and the vulnerability drained Heero. He found himself in a strange space of exhausted panic. I told them I wanted to live. Why did I do that? This time he felt the tear as it fell down his cheek. His eyes fluttered open to meet Duo's purple ones.

"Don't Duo" Heero tried to recoil, feeling the pressure of Duo's love for him, and the need to not repeat the past. "I am not promising to live. I can't promise anything. I am . . I am sorry, Duo" he said numbly as his eyes slide closed again.

"Heero" he heard Trowa's voice materialized out of nowhere. "It is obvious you need some rest now. Thank you for everything you shared with us. I have hope this will have cleared some air. I want you to take this book - it is for you to write down your story, whatever of it you want to write. For me, that was the place to start. We swear we won't read it, and there is a leather bag here, too, I'm putting it on the floor, so you can keep it with you so you know your writing is safe from our eyes. We love you, Heero. Thank you."