Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent.

January 31st: Tris

My mother, stretched out on the hospital gurney. Her arm is twisted and contorted into a shape that shouldn't be possible. Her head has a deep wound. Her neck is covered in gashes, and her shirt is stained with blood.

Me, screaming animalistically, with tears rushing down my face as Tobias holds me back and wraps his arms around my middle, whispering consoling things.

The doctors, telling me that I need to wait to see her.

My entire family sitting in the waiting room, looking dejected. The little ones crying because they don't know what's going on… the eldest ones looking worried because they're not ready to say goodbye yet.

Waiting for what felt like an eternity… when in reality it was probably only 8 or 9 hours.

Tobias staying by my side the entire time, calling Coach Qureshi and telling him there was an emergency and he couldn't attend the mandatory practice the next day. I saw the firm line that his mouth was pressed into… the grief swimming in his eyes. Once upon a time a twelve year old boy had sat in chairs just like these, waiting for news of his own mother. And now he has to relive those memories… worse, he has to be reminded of how he didn't have anybody. His own father was drifting around in his own emotions, torn up and broken inside. Looking around at the waiting room at my whole family gripping onto one another, giving each other strength and stability, I knew in that moment that even if something did happen to my mother… we would be okay. We would make it through this… together. But God, I prayed and wished that she would be okay.

My mother. Selflessly raising 10 children. Showing us all what it means to be kind and compassionate, encouraging us to do what makes us happy, and always surrounding us with love. Giving us a supportive home, giving me my best friends… my best memories… and when someone came along who I wanted to share all of these treasures with, she welcomed him into our home with open arms and became a mother to him as well. She showed us how to give each other strength, she taught me how to love. I would be nothing without her. She has to be okay. She must.

"Beatrice?" I'm pulled out of my memories at the sound of Marcus's voice. He sits across from me in the restaurant, raising his eyebrows concernedly. Tiffany sits next to him, gazing at me politely with her wide green eyes. On my right, Tobias places a comforting arm on my shoulder.

"Yes, sorry?" I ask, my voice two octaves higher than it usually is.

"I just wanted to ask how your mother's recovery is going."

It has been a little over 2 weeks since my mother's accident. She survived, but was injured badly. Luckily, no serious damage was done to her, but seeing your mother beaten down and unconscious being pushed through a hospital does things to you.

The day after it happened was a Monday… Tobias stayed with me that whole day, missing his lacrosse practice and upsetting his coach a lot. They informed us that she was okay, and we all went in to see her. Since there were so many of us, we had to go in mini groups, the elder kids all splitting up so we could take the little ones in to see her.

At the sight of my mother looking weak and bruised and ill on her hospital bed, Oliver burst into tears. It took some self control on my part to not do the same. She was okay, but she was still healing. She'd be in for a while. "You are not going to cry," she said. The words were mostly for Oliver, but they were directed at all of us. "I'm going to be just fine."

On Tuesday, I sent Tobias back to school, no matter how much he was protesting. My father, Leo, and Ezra were all taking turns in bringing the youngest kids home and watching over them.

On Wednesday, the rest of us teenagers headed back to school as well due to our mother's orders. "Your education will not be put on hold because of this," she informed us simply.

She broke her right arm, and her fibula had a fracture. She also needed stitches in her forehead due to her head flinging onto the dashboard. It was a rear end collision, she was driving home from the grocery store of all places. The place where she goes to buy produce and snacks and ingredients for our favorite home cooked meals. The other driver was in a similar state as her, alive with lasting injuries. He's a middle aged man, no older than my father it would seem. We spoke to his wife and his son briefly at the hospital… I recognized the worry lines etched into their faces and the dark circles protruding from their eyes. They were the same features that lay on all of our own faces.

On Saturday they discharged her in a wheelchair and a cast around her arm which all of us had signed. We stayed close to her that whole weekend, trying to remember what it's like to be a family since all of us were so scared that she might really be gone to us. None of us were ready for that, but that's what life is. It is fleeting, and someone you love could be taken from you in the drop of a hat. You never know until it happens… or until it is close to happening.

Yet, this made us stronger as a family. We all grew closer to each other, uplifting one another and doing things we'd never done before. Whether it be Owen wiping Carson's tears for him, Caleb cooking family dinner and dropping the kids off at school, or Ezra going on the grocery runs now, we are here for each other.

I've been more quiet at school and around my friends. All of my effort remains on keeping up with my school work and being there with my family. Leo just flew back to Tokyo last week, so my dad needs some more help around the house with the kids. He's started working from home while everything with my mother gets settled. Ezra has moved back in permanently, only going to classes that really require his attendance. Honestly his step up during this whole situation has been impressive.

Tobias doesn't pressure me. I know he's worried about me, as are all of my friends, but he's been amazing during this whole situation too. On weekdays he comes over to play with the kids and help my father out with things. He brings my mother soup sometimes and even signed her cast himself. She only has to wear it for a couple more weeks now, and then she might be able to go on crutches while her leg heals. She's sick of having to be pushed around all the time, though we've tried to make the house more accessible for her by building some ramps and setting up wooden planks along the carpet.

I've distanced myself from the reality that I knew before this. It was all happiness and bliss, and yes, I am beyond thankful that my mother is alright. But now I know that the people you love can instantly be ripped from you… and I am terrified. I have too many people I care about and ever since the accident my sleep is plagued with nightmares over losing them all. I don't know how to speak to Tobias about this… it seems so stupid since he's actually dealt with loss and in a much more painful way it seems. He saw his mother slipping away from him and could do nothing to stop it, he knows far more about this than I do. Does he have terror dreams about losing me as well?

Today is the first day I've gone out in a while, and it was after some begging from Tobias. He insisted that I needed to get out of the house, and my mother practically forced me to go as well, saying that they're fine at home and things are going back to normal. Marcus and Tiffany have wanted to have lunch with Tobias and I for a while… given that Tobias knows my family so well it's only fair that I put in similar efforts. I need to try with them today and stop getting wrapped up in my own thoughts and fears. It's all going to be okay.

"She's doing a lot better. She's getting her cast off soon because her arm has been healing well… after that she should be able to resume some of her household duties so my father can get back to work and Ezra can get back to his classes. We're really grateful that she's alright, though," I answer.

"Of course," Tiffany says gently. "That's great to hear."

"And your father? I heard it was his birthday this past week?" Marcus continues questioning.

"Yes… we had a small celebration at home. It was quite nice." I also cried myself to sleep harder than I ever had that night, after seeing my whole family come together after my mom's accident on a momentous occasion like a birthday. I can't lose them. I cannot.

Him and Tiffany continue to make small talk with me, asking about school, college plans, family… I answer mindlessly, aware of Tobias's presence next to me. Eventually our food comes and I'm not very hungry but I still swallow it all down since Marcus has the check and I don't want to be rude. This lunch is a very nice gesture but I feel guilty because my heart isn't really in it, and Tobias deserves better after all the effort he's put in with my family. He deserves a better girlfriend who is not so emotionally unstable and feels like she's going to break any time soon.

I shrug my coat on and glance outside of the restaurant window. A light snow has started to come down now, sticking to the ground. I remember the snowfall on Christmas morning, how silly and light I felt. Everything feels so different now.

"Beatrice… we'd love it if you joined us for a small reception at The Ritz-Carlton now. We're celebrating my eldest son winning the ACM prize in computing. Unless you have other plans of course?" Tiffany asks me.

Oh god. I am not in the partying mood or in the mood to interact with strangers right now… but then I glance to Tobias who looks at me with pleading eyes. I know he is still a bit uncomfortable around Tiffany's children so I tell myself that I'll do this for him. My mother did tell me to stay out as long as I want anyways.

"I'd be delighted to," I answer as pleasantly as I can.

Tobias and I drive over to the Ritz separately from Tiffany and Marcus. I lean my head against the passenger window and watch the flurries of snow flutter to the ground. It's a bit hard for me to be in a vehicle now, knowing what happened to my mother. It's harder for me to think about Tobias sitting next to me, behind the wheel, and something happening to him. I wish I had offered to drive… then I would be able to be in control of this car… that's one thing I hate. Loss of control. And I cannot control the fact that anyone I love could be hurt in an instant. I wish I could protect them all, or take the pain instead of them. I swallow as I think of my littlest sister, only 2 years old. Something tragic could happen to her as well.

"So, who is this son who got this award?" I ask Tobias, trying to distract my thoughts. The Chicago traffic is awful right now, but we're getting through it.

"Tiffany's eldest son. She has three kids from her past marriage. 2 sons and 1 daughter."

"What's his name?"

"Jasper. He's 22. And then there's Alison… she's just 19. And the youngest child's name is Peter. He's our age… in our grade. Goes to private school in the city." He recites this information like he's had to memorize it carefully, but I guess these are the closest things he's had to siblings… well besides my own siblings of course.

"Do you like them?"

"They're nice enough I guess. I've only met them on a couple occasions before and which haven't really been casual. I don't know what to think of them because they're so quiet."

"Well, maybe we can bring them out of their shells," I grin. It is the most me thing I've said in a while. I desperately want to rid myself of this bleak feeling and go back to the old Tris. While I don't think that will ever fully happen, I can find a good balance between the shell of the person I feel like now and the naive teenage girl I feel like I was just a couple weeks ago.

"Are you okay, Tris?" He asks quickly. "I could just tell that your heart wasn't in lunch… and I'm sorry I shouldn't have pressured you to go-"

"No. I'm glad you did. I really needed to get out of the house. I'm sorry I'm such a lousy girlfriend…" I mumble.

"Tris," he looks at me incredulously before focusing his eyes back on the road. "You are not a lousy girlfriend… It's completely fine to feel… detached. I just wish you would talk to me," he says sadly. "I'm here for you… I love you."

"I love you too," I sigh. "So much. I've just felt so… so… scared."

"Your mom is fine now… she's healing."

"No… not about that, really…" I bite the inside of my cheek, wondering if I should say this to him. "I get… nightmares now," I admit.

"Nightmares," he repeats, trying to keep his voice even. "And?"

"Things... like horrible car accidents, fires, tsunamis… watching my loved ones getting hurt and not being able to do anything or control it… just knowing that anyone I love, one of my siblings, my parents, my friends, you could just… die," I say shakily. "I don't… feel normal anymore." For all the pain I've been feeling, it feels good to finally share my feelings and get the weight off my chest.

"Tris, I'm not going anywhere," he insists.

"How do you know that?" I cry out. "You don't."

"How do we know anything, Tris? It's impossible to be certain of what's going to happen next week, or tomorrow, or god forbid one second from now. An asteroid could explode and destroy the entire world. And yeah, maybe a car could come shooting out of nowhere and crash straight into me and I die on impact. Those are all very real possibilities and I'm not going to pretend like they aren't. Everything is uncertain… there's no way that you can control what happens. But you can't let this fear… deject you. Let it distance you. It is better to live and love hard and abundantly, rather than live so timidly. And you know who taught me that?"

"Who?"

"You… being with you taught me to be grateful for each and every moment that you share with the people you love… Because if something happens then you may regret not loving as hard as you possibly can…" his tone becomes more gentle now. "Trust me, I know… I've dealt with loss. It's not worth it to retreat into yourself and become half of a person… and I can tell that's what you want to do. Your mom is okay, and your family is at home, supporting one another. Don't you want to try and stay present in these moments now? Savor them." He grabs my hand and kisses the back of it, his eyes still trained on the road. "You'll regret it if you don't."

Tobias made me feel much better, like I could breathe. That should be expected though. He always knows the right things to say, and sometimes it's like he sees through me so clearly. I'm still deeply afraid of losing people, but his speech woke me up. Everything is uncertain and there are things that I cannot control… so I need to savor the good moments while they last. I'll probably never go back to being who I was before the accident, but hopefully now I can become a better version of myself, with Tobias by my side. We guide each other through the dark, and help one another see past our blind spots of fear and doubt.

When he parked at The Ritz, I grabbed the collar of his shirt and fit his mouth to mine. We kissed, for a very long time. That was me, starting to savor the moments. "I love you," I had whispered to him after.

He just gazed back at me, intensely. "I don't think love would ever describe just how much I feel for you. But I'll never let you forget it. You're everything to me." As always, he outdid me with the sappiness. But how could I complain?

"This is Beatrice, Tobias's girlfriend," Tiffany introduces me to the man I now know as Jasper. The person we are celebrating tonight. As Tiffany said, it is a small reception. Several other people mill about, making small talk and clinking their wine glasses together.

I shake Jasper's hand firmly. He is short for a man, no more than 5'5", and has wide set eyes and a crooked smile. Still, he is handsome in a childlike way. "Nice to meet you," he says carefully. Well, Tobias was right about the polite thing. I have a feeling this family would get along quite well with Susan.

"Likewise. And congratulations!" Tiffany has now gone over to say hi to someone else and Tobias chats quietly with Marcus behind me. "I've gotta be honest, though… I really don't know what an ACM award is…"

To my surprise, he bursts out laughing. "Neither did I… until they called me and told me I'd won," he admits.

I grin… I guess I am getting them out of their shells. Just then, a young man comes up next to him. He's a bit thinner than him but they have the same shiny and innocent green eyes, though something about this guy makes my skin jitter. Maybe it's the way that his gaze runs over me, calculatingly, as if he's sizing me up and making snap judgements about me. My face grows hot.

"Oh, Peter, this is Tobias's girlfriend, Beatrice. Beatrice, this is my younger brother Peter."

Peter continues staring me down in that same way as we shake hands. Half of me wants to snap at him and ask him what his problem is, the other half of me wants to go run and hide. "Well, he didn't tell me his girlfriend was so beautiful," Peter says cheekily, in a way that other girls might find charming. I, however, find it revolting.

Jasper laughs again, but I don't. One thing I will never do is smile and submit to men who obviously just want to make me uncomfortable. I can't be rude to Peter, though, I am here with the mission of being a good girlfriend to Tobias and that means getting along with his father's girlfriend's family I suppose. My lips lift into a small smile that could be perceived as a "thanks" and I incline my head. I remember that Tobias told me he goes to private school. That explains it. Those fuckers think they can behave however they want.

I turn back to Jasper, only addressing him now. "By the way, you can just call me Tris."

"Ooh! Okay. Yeah, you do not look like a Beatrice," he tells me, and my heart genuinely warms at this. I like Jasper.

"What are we talking about here?" Tobias's hand all of a sudden now rests on my upper back, and I am relieved for his presence as I was getting uncomfortable under the weight of Peter's gaze.

"Just how she is definitely a Tris… and not a Beatrice," Jasper says.

"Mmm, yes. I agree," Tobias grins at me. He nods politely at Jasper and says his congratulations before engaging in some sort of bro handshake with Peter. Tobias wears a proud look on his face, and I know it's because he's never been one for socializing but he seems to have formed this 'bond' with Peter all on his own. I know in my heart that I can't tell him about Peter now. Besides, my creeps may just be all in my head and for nothing. If Tobias likes him then I can tolerate him.

A bit later, a tall and thin blonde girl approaches. She looks much like Tiffany and has the same green eyes that I see in the rest of the family. She introduces herself as Allison and she's definitely the most timid out of the 3… Tiffany's family seems nice, though. Well, except Peter. But like I said I'm going to try to tolerate him.

Jasper says goodbye to us and begins making his rounds through the reception with his siblings while I stand with Tobias, joking around with him and trying to get our light hearted banter back. But I keep noticing his eyes flitting to Marcus who is pacing back and forth alone in the corner.

"What were you two talking about?" I ask.

"Hmm?" He looks back at me, his eyebrows raised.

"You and your dad."

"Oh," he scratches the back of his neck and looks down. "Well, you'll find out soon. I'm really not supposed to say anything."

I narrow my eyes at him. "Okay…"

As if on cue, Marcus walks to the center of the room and clinks his wine glass a few times. The chatting in the room putters out and everyone looks at him expectantly… Tobias's lips are pressed firmly together and his expression gives away nothing.

"Hello," Marcus says kindly, "I just want to begin by saying my congratulations to this fine young man," he gestures over to Jasper who inclines his head politely. Everyone claps for him lightly before Marcus continues. "I feel… very grateful to be here right now. Up until a few months ago I was no less than a shell of a person… a grumpy old man who had lost his wife, not a super great father, and I was throwing myself into my work and not really living." I swallow, because Marcus's words are similar to who I felt myself becoming after the accident.

He continues, "A few months ago, however, my life changed for the better. I walked into this same hotel lobby, and that is where I saw Tiffany for the first time after many years. And that is the first night that I realized that I needed to get out of my funk and try… that things might be worth it and I should… stop being so afraid of what life might throw at me. As you all know, life sometimes brings the worst for you, but it can also bring you amazing and wonderful things that you wouldn't get to experience if you were too timid to go out and find them. Since then, I have found myself surrounded by happiness. I've gotten to meet Tiffany's 3 amazing children and my relationship with my son has grown and I've watched him turn into a kind and honest young man," he smiles at Tobias who just looks down shyly. "These past few months have taught me that life is too short, it is also uncertain. I never expected to come face to face with Tiffany again and fall in love, but here I am and I want to seal our fates as fast as possible. Besides, when you're an old man like me you know that there's no use in waiting." Marcus gets down on one knee then, and my breath catches in my throat as he pulls out a black velvet box from his pocket and opens it. I don't have a good view of the ring from where I stand but I can still see the shimmering diamonds on it. He looks up at Tiffany who stands a few feet away from him, her hands covering her mouth. "Tiffany, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

I grip onto Tobias's arm in anticipation and glance around the rest of the room. Jasper looks elated, Allison is smiling thinly, and Peter looks stoic. "Oh, Marcus, I'd be delighted to," Tiffany answers, beaming.

Everyone in the room begins clapping as Marcus gets up and slides the ring onto her finger, and then they kiss. I look over to Tobias who wears a genuine smile on his face. He is happy for his father, happy he's getting the new life he deserves. And unintentionally, Marcus showed me something too. He's a man who has suffered a great deal, but is still open to loving again and is making the most of what he has. It was selfish of me to be thinking of myself at this time, because the people I love need me as much as I need them. Life is too short to be afraid all the time, and as I watch Tobias go over to his father and embrace him tightly, I know that there is no use in letting fear consume me when I'm surrounded by so much trust and love.

OMG can you believe we hit chapter 20? We just have 10 more chapters in this story + an epilogue WHOA. When I started this story on a whim this summer I never imagined myself becoming so attached to it. But there IS a sequel planned :)

I know this chapter was a bit angsty, but I feel like after what Tris saw it's normal. Still it's kind of juxtaposed with the other chapters that are a little more light hearted… and Tris is getting there! I honestly should not be writing right now, I am super busy HAHA but I started this chapter at like 10 last night and finished it this morning and I'm proud of it.

But if you've heard what's going on I live in the North West of the US where the fires are getting pretty bad so I'm a little bit afraid :( I don't live in a risk area, thankfully, but the sky is like yellow and the air quality is so fucking bad. Hopefully I don't have to evacuate because school starts for me on Monday and it would just be a massive hassle. They say it might rain later this week though so that would be great news!

Anyways, tomorrow is a huge day for me. I'm taking my ACT test and it's my last chance to do so if I want to apply to colleges early. I've been studying my ass off for it so please wish me luck haha.

Lastly, I set up an email linked to this account if you want to get in touch or become friends. Mostly for the sake of the guest readers, but really for anyone if you don't like PMing. Please reach out! It would mean the world to me. It's linked on my profile but I'll also list it at the end of this Author's Note.

New update schedule will be up on Sunday and hopefully I can get back into the swing of writing now that I know what my class times are like this semester :D

Leave a review if you so please! They help me a lot and I'm so grateful for every one of them. And if you haven't, it would mean the world if you read my other 2 Divergent fics, 'All Good' and 'Million Dollar Bills'. I'm quite proud of the work I've done of those two as well, AND if you read all 3 of my stories, trust me, you don't go unnoticed and I love you SO MUCH.

Sorry about the lengthy author's note, I just had a lot to say. Thanks for the support.

-Kiki

Email: bythebye65