Stay

Chapter 29

A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.

Here is Chapter 29. Content warning for discussion of triggers during sex, a rape survivor in crisis, and mentions of involuntary sexual response.

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.

Olivia reentered their bedroom at two forty-nine, sitting gently on her girlfriend's side of the bed and ensuring she was awake before lightly placing her hand over Alex's elbow. "Sweetheart, it's nearly three in the afternoon. Are you not wanting to get up?"

Cabot groaned, rolling onto her side and burying her face into the pillow. It felt as if there was a brick on her chest, pinning her in place, and her head was throbbing. "Just want to stay here."

The brunette grimaced, moving her hand in comforting lines up and down the younger woman's arm. Alex hadn't left the bed since the two women had gotten into it the previous evening—not to pee, not to get some water, not to eat. "Baby—"

"Just please, leave me be, Liv," she snapped, chiding herself for once again taking out her self-directed anger on Olivia. It wasn't Olivia's fault the attorney was in this situation. Liv was the only reason she even saw a light at the end of the dark tunnel. "Just, please," she repeated, her voice softening. "I don't want to do anything."

Benson's hand migrated to her back, and she shifted her body, pivoting on the bed so that she could better see the other woman's face. "Are you anxious? In pain? Is there anything I can do?" she asked gently, her fingertips finding matted hair and tucking it behind her ear, getting a better view of her cloudy eyes, including her constricted pupils and dark circles.

Alex shook her head, letting her eyes meet Liv's as she sniffled softly. She didn't want to worry her girlfriend, but she felt absolutely shitty and wasn't up to hiding it. "I'm just...feeling down. And it feels like there's a little man with a hammer inside my skull. I'll live, honey."

"Do you want me to try and call and see if we can get in for an emergency appointment with Kimani? Maybe she can get us in Monday morning." The ADA seemed unenthused by the prospect. "I know you're embarrassed. But this is what she's here for. You're still spinning like a top over what happened, baby. You may need some help processing."

Olivia continued to gently move her fingers through Alex's hair, studying the vulnerable woman as she gripped onto the brunette's forearm and shed a few errant tears. "I don't want to go."

"Okay," Liv sighed, eager to assure Alex that it would be her choice. "You don't have to. You don't have to do anything, my sweet. You don't even have to get up today if you don't want to. If you're not ready to work through last night, then that's totally alright."

"But I really think I should," the prosecutor announced, her eyes clearing somewhat as they bore trustingly into Olivia's.

"Well," the detective thought aloud, never ceasing the tender stroking of her fingers over and through Alex's unkempt locks, "I can call the office and see if they answer. You don't have to commit yet."

Eventually, the younger woman hummed, linking her fingers with her girlfriend's. She felt so impossibly stuck and more unsure than she had in a while. Olivia was sitting with her, speaking softly to her, touching her lovingly, but still—she was acting as if the previous evening hadn't bothered her. "Okay. I'm really sorry about what happened."

"Please don't apologize to me about that," she practically begged, sliding off the bed and kneeling down beside it so she would be at eye level with Alex, "I'm only upset because I know you're suffering, sweetheart."

"I don't want to feel this way." Alex brushed her fingers through Liv's hair, needing the closeness and intimate contact.

"I know, baby," Liv acknowledged, wrapping an arm around the other woman and pulling her close so that their foreheads met. "I know you don't."

"I really was having fun before everything went to shit." She swallowed, focusing on the feeling of Olivia's knuckles brushing lines up and down her bare back. She hadn't even redressed after the "incident", instead curling up in Liv's arms and silently crying herself to sleep. She was fairly sure she'd fallen into fitful slumber at some point, but she'd been awake since her girlfriend left the bedroom, staring at the ceiling, her only movement the strained blinking of her puffy eyelids. "I don't want you to think that there was any part of me that felt uncomfortable at all. It was so amazing. It felt amazing—watching you, touching you. And when I asked you to touch me," she managed to get out, her lip quivering, "I thought… I thought it would be good. You were so gentle," she breathed, mesmerized, tracing the features of Olivia's concerned features with her pointer finger as she spoke. "So loving. I—I just froze. And I hate myself for that."

The detective opened and quickly closed her mouth, resisting her instinctual urge to ask Alex to take back her last statement. She was entitled to feeling what she was feeling, even if the emotions she was experiencing were potentially damaging. That's why Olivia was so dead-set on meeting with Kimani if at all possible. "Well," Benson whispered, her voice breaking, "I love you. And that's not ever going to change. So focus on that while you're feeling this way, and remember, sweetheart, it won't last forever. It won't, Al."

Alex nodded. She knew her thoughts were irrational. She hadn't done anything wrong. What had happened had been involuntary. She hadn't chosen to cry. She hadn't wanted to snap her thighs together and tell Liv to stop. She had a million voices in her head begging her to keep going. But therein lied the problem, didn't it? She'd been robbed of the opportunity to make that choice. She'd—once again—been powerless, doomed to follow her body's lead instead of her mind's, and it had just been too much to bear. So she'd snapped. "I think I do need help processing," she eventually admitted.

"I'll make the call," Liv said, giving the woman she loved a sad smile and pressing a lingering kiss to her forehead. "I'll just be in the hallway," she told her quietly. "I know you have a headache, so I'll bring you some ibuprofen too."

When she returned, she placed a cup of water with a straw on the bedside table along with two red tablets, and the blonde dutifully sat up, suddenly self-conscious and covering her bare chest with the comforter she'd wrapped around herself. As Alex took the medication, Olivia began to speak. "There was no one in the office, so I left a message for Kimani, and she'll probably get it Monday morning. But if you're in a really, really bad place, I need you to tell me so I can get you some help before then."

"I don't need to be committed, if that's what you're asking," Alex mumbled weakly, her hand coming to rest against her forehead as pain resonated throughout the entire region.

"I don't necessarily mean hospitalization, baby. I don't think you're a physical danger to yourself. But through SVU, I can get ahold of a crisis counselor if need be."

"I really appreciate the gesture, honey, but I don't think I could tell a stranger about last night. I'll be okay until Monday. I promise," she said sincerely, guiding Liv down onto the bed by her hand and pulling her in for a hug. "I love you," she breathed into Olivia's shoulder, the gratitude once again overwhelming her. Clouds had moved into Alex's sky, as they did from time to time, but she knew that eventually they would clear and the sun would shine again. That's just how things worked.

"Thank you for fitting us in. We really appreciate it," Alex said to the therapist as they sat down across from her that Monday morning before eight a.m, both of her knees bouncing in anxious anticipation. She'd managed to pass off an arraignment to a green ADA, who was more than eager to take the open and shut case, when Kimani had returned Olivia's call, offering the women her earliest appointment.

"Of course. The message that Olivia left on the phone was concerning to me when I heard it this morning. It sounded like you were in crisis on Saturday, Alex. How are you feeling today compared to then?" Kimani asked gently, leaning forward.

"Better, I think," the blonde responded, reaching for Olivia's hand. Discussing her chronic issues in therapy was so much easier because she could be vague and use universalized language if she wanted. But the LMFT was asking about a specific event, and the attorney didn't quite know where to begin. "I mean, not great, if I'm being honest, but I got out of bed yesterday. I've just been so fatigued. 'Subdued' might be more accurate. I'm not completely sure how to explain it." The lawyer was very rarely at a loss for words, but even now, more than forty-eight hours out from her spontaneous panic as Liv so delicately touched her, her eyes were heavy and her limbs felt like dead weight.

"That's okay, Alex," Kimani said to her, offering a comforting smile. "What I'd like to do, if you're up to it, is go through your version of events that night. I want to hear what the whole experience was like for you and even, if you've processed at all, what you think happened and why."

Cabot nodded. "Okay. I think I can do that, or at least try."

"Trying is perfectly good enough," Kimani assured her, pushing away the memory of Tammy on loop telling her she had to do, do, do.

"And I'm right here, Al," Olivia reminded the woman she loved gently, squeezing her hand.

The therapist put aside her notes for the time being, wanting to focus on her client as she spoke. "So, you decided to try and have sex Friday night. Can you start with that?"

Alex felt like she was giving a statement. Would Kimani want the cold, clinical details of every moment? Would she want to know how the attorney's nipples had hardened in response to Liv's fingers ghosting across her skin? Would she want to know how her pupils dilated and her mouth went dry as the brunette's orgasm had rioted through her? How Alex's clit throbbed the moment the older woman's fingers had made barely existent contact with her underwear and she felt as if her entire body would combust? Would she be expected to share these terrifyingly intimate details with the woman who patiently waited several feet away? How would Liv respond to hearing these things?

"I, um, I asked Liv if we could try on Thursday, and we agreed it was a good time to see how far we could go."

"That's great," Kimani encouraged. "This was without a doubt a significant step for you both, and Alex, I really want you to recognize that, regardless of how it ended." Cabot nodded. "What happened Friday?"

"Everything was going great," Alex stressed, "until it wasn't."

"Okay. It definitely sounds like your negative reaction was a surprise to you."

"I bet it surprised Olivia too." She turned to the older woman. "I can't imagine how scary it must have been, sweetie. I trapped your hand. You couldn't pull it away. I'm so sorry." A new thought entered Alex's mind, and it was an egregious one. She'd effectively forced Olivia to keep her hand on her as she'd panicked. Had she…had Alex assaulted Olivia?

"Hey," the cop cooed, ignoring Kimani's presence for a moment, "listen to me. There's nothing you need to apologize for, baby. Nothing," she insisted. "Do you think you can rewind a bit and fill in the details for Kimani?"

Alex bobbed her head up and down, leaning more fully into Olivia's side. Olivia wasn't mad. She wasn't angry. It hadn't been her fault. She'd been powerless. She'd had no control.

No control.

"I…I made love to Olivia." Alex shrugged, knowing the therapist would want more detail. "I wasn't scared at all, a little hesitant maybe, since I'm not really used to sexual intimacy, but it felt right. It felt safe. I…" she gulped. "…really liked it. I was…turned on." She knew she was blushing, feeling scorching heat arrive in her cheeks and ears. "And I wanted to keep going. I was a little nervous at that point, maybe, but I was mostly excited. Liv was so careful, and she was being so gentle, it just made sense to try. So I asked…." Benson wrapped an arm around her girlfriend, grounding her to the moment as they approached the hard part. "I asked her to touch me over my underwear. I thought it was a reasonable step. It was a touch exercise we hadn't gotten to yet, but…I thought the barrier would be enough. Evidently, it wasn't," she laughed mirthlessly.

She continued to explain what had happen next, her sudden need to get Olivia away from her, the sob that ripped through her, the way her legs had closed of their own accord, and finally—finally she told her of the residual arousal that had stayed with her for hours, the pressure and the throbbing that reminded her of her failure without relenting as she'd battled with her own body for control, a lifelong fight that she'd thought had ended.

More powerlessness.

Less control.

Would it ever end?

"I also want to commend you both," Kimani praised, "for reaching out to me during this difficult time. Alex, I know how hard it is for you to talk about these things, and I really admire your strength for coming in today. And Olivia, I know how badly you want to be able to support Alex on your own, so it shows a growing awareness of your boundaries that you were able to ask for help. I wish I had easy answers for you both, and I'm sorry I can't help you leave here feeling like this is totally resolved, but I'm hoping to create a plan together so that you have a direction to go in."

"Do we feel ready to talk about next steps?" the therapist asked once Alex had arrived at a more stable place and she'd ensured Olivia wasn't silently harboring guilt. To the brunette's own surprise, she wasn't. At least not anymore. Alex had been correct when she'd said she'd done everything right, and even if there was a part of the detective that didn't want to believe her, Alex was the only person who needed to feel like Liv did everything right. She was the one who needed to feel safe. And as far as Olivia was concerned, she did. When both women nodded, eager to move forward, the LMFT asked the prosecutor a question she wasn't expecting.

"Can I ask if masturbation is something you do?" Kimani knew that she'd likely tried it because of the packet of solo touch exercises, but she wasn't sure if Liv knew, so she wanted to keep her question slightly vague.

"Well, yeah," Alex replied, sensing the reddening of her face. She hadn't attempted it since being given the new set of touch exercises, but she'd touched herself in less intimate areas and she'd considered what it would be like to do more. "I mean, it's been a while, but...I tried it a couple of weeks ago, and I was really pressuring myself. I think because I was alone, I just didn't feel safe in my own head and in my own body. But I've made progress since then, so..."

"Thank you for sharing that," Kimani said to her. "I'm asking because it might be a good idea to integrate it into the sex practices you're already working on with Olivia, if you're interested in trying again."

"You want me to masturbate in front of Olivia? I..."

Olivia had an idea of where Kimani was going with this. "May I?" she asked the therapist.

She nodded. "Sure."

"We don't know exactly what it is that triggers you, right?"

Alex conceded this fact. "Right."

"It could be the sensations themselves, it could be another person's touch, it could be the vulnerability, or even a combination. If you can masturbate by yourself, it may not be the sensations. If you can do it with me watching you, and with me touching myself as well, maybe it's not the vulnerability." Kimani nodded along with Olivia's words, and then she waited for the lawyer's response.

When she was a small child, Alex had broken out in a series of rashes after eating breakfast, so her parents had been instructed by her pediatrician to expose her to different breakfast foods one at a time until they figured out which one was causing the reaction. Turned out she was sensitive to eggs, something she'd since grown out of. "So, basically you're trying to diagnose my allergy."

"I don't plan to diagnose anything, Alex. I want you to put into action a plan to figure out specifically what stimuli are most likely to be triggers for you. So, Olivia, you have the right idea there. Also, in thinking about those algorithms we've discussed, right, you already know more about your body than Olivia does, and vice versa. You can use this to teach each other, and it might help you learn to experience pleasure in a healthy way. This tool may be helpful."

Nausea grew in Alex's abdomen, and she swallowed hard to rid herself of the bile that was threatening to escape her lips. "I guess that makes sense."

"The other thing I'll say, more broadly about masturbation," Kimani continued slowly, "is I'm seeing your major issue as the feeling of not having control. If you can learn more about what you feel during each stage of arousal and still have the power to stop or keep going, then you may not feel like you're just at the mercy of your own body anymore."

It wasn't that Kimani didn't make sense. Alex had admitted that aloud. But though the appointment had been helpful, the overwhelming effect had become cumulative and now she was fidgeting and itching to run out of the room. She turned to Olivia, her eyes pleading for escape. "Can we talk about it more at home?"

Benson nodded immediately. "Of course, baby. You just did a lot of work in a short span of time. We can take a break."

Kimani agreed. "I don't mean to overwhelm you, Alex. If you feel like you need to stop here, I'm more than okay with that. I'd like to keep our original appointment for—" she glanced at her schedule. "—Thursday this week if you both are okay with that, so we can check in and maybe continue this conversation."

Both women nodded, Alex growing more tired by the second.

"I do want to give you a little homework," Kimani told them, taking a note, "but I want to be clear that it doesn't have to be done by Thursday. Alex, are you completely overloaded, or do you think you can take this in?"

She cleared her throat. "I'm okay. I can listen. I'm just done talking about…about masturbating."

"That's totally normal, Alex," she reassured her. "It's not an easy topic. This might be more helpful in the immediate future since you're going to need some time to recover from Friday before you move into sexual touch again. So, I want you to have conversations around things that may be triggers. You don't have to sit down and have an hour-long talk. But if you're feeling up for it, maybe spend five or ten minutes exploring stimuli that you know give you anxiety or things you think could give you anxiety in the future. If you can discuss what you already know, Alex, when new things come up, it'll be easier to address. Does that make sense?" The blonde nodded. "And you, Olivia?" The cop gave the same response.

After they left, the detective gave Cragen a call to say she was taking a personal day. She hardly ever took time off, so it came in handy when it was really needed. Alex didn't need to be in the office for anything in particular either, so they headed to the apartment. When they arrived home, Olivia gently prevented her girlfriend from going straight into the bedroom. "Hey. I just want to check in with you while everything is still fresh. You don't usually clam up in therapy. Did you just get overwhelmed?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Was thinking about the shower and...the other night."

Benson squeezed the ADA's bicep, humming softly. "That's understandable, but sweetheart, I think Kimani is right." She paused for long enough to see that now that they'd arrived home and they were by themselves, Alex seemed more alert and more open to talking for a minute. "You should be able to touch yourself before I try to touch you. I'm not saying you have to do it for long or with any goal in mind. Just to try and feel good for a little while as you become more aware of your body and in more control. You deserve that at the very least."

"Would you do it with me?"

"Yeah, I'd love to. We'd come up with a plan first though, okay? And I do think at this point we should hold off on the one-sided sex for a while."

Alex bit her lip. Honesty was important, she reminded herself. "I like it though."

"I know." The corners of Olivia's lips quirked upwards. "I do too. But it creates a strange dynamic in our relationship, and it could be all in my head but—respecting my own boundaries means that I'm careful with yellow lights, yeah?" Alex knew she was right, and after the events of Friday, it was even more important to her that Olivia was taken care of. "Again, if it were just your preference, it wouldn't be a problem. But the last thing I want is to be the cause of a setback."

"Have you ever done mutual masturbation before?"

"Uh huh."

"Is it fun?"

"Yeah."

"But actual sex is better, right?"

The older woman sighed, letting her hand move over Alex's elbow and wrist, their fingers linking together. "It's different. And which is better depends on so many things. I'm sure both will be great."

Cabot reached up to rub her tired eyes. "I think I'm going to take a nap. I'm still feeling pretty wiped."

"I'll join you in a few minutes." She rested their foreheads together, her eyes asking for a kiss, something that Alex was more than happy to oblige. "I'm proud of you, you know."

Alex nodded. "I know."

The older woman squeezed her girlfriend's hand. "Go, go get comfortable. I'm going to have a cup of tea and then I'll come lie down with you."

"Big spoon?" the prosecutor requested softly, succumbing to her need to be taken care of.

"You know it."

She undressed in the bedroom, pausing in front of Liv's full-length mirror, eyeing her naked form, unsure of what she felt. Alex had always seen her narrow hips and flat chest as undesirable. But Olivia had looked at her with wonder, reverence. Could she channel that love for herself?

Her gaze traveled to the small patch of blonde curls between her legs, her right hand drawn to the warmth waiting there. She cupped her most intimate area, her breath catching, as she began the first in a series of solo touch exercises she hadn't yet had the guts to try.

A shiver worked its way through her body—resistance. "It's okay," she whispered to herself. "You're okay. You deserve this. This is safe."

She continued speaking to herself softly, her hand impossibly still, though something inside her urged her to move her fingers. She resisted her body's beckoning, remaining in total control of herself, breathing deeply and sighing audibly. She tipped her head to the side, smiling softly when she heard a knock against the closed door. Olivia always knocked.

"I'm naked, baby," she warned, "but you can come in if you're comfortable with it, or I can put clothes on first."

Liv creaked the door open, padding into the carpeted room and walking to Alex when she gestured for her to approach, wrapping her arms around the younger woman from behind and kissing her cheek as they watched themselves in the mirror. "Whatcha doing, love?" she asked softly.

Alex hummed, her hands encircling Olivia's forearms. "Just taking back some control."

A/N: Thanks for reading! I appreciate the influx of comments/kudos on the previous chapter. If you keep that up, my motivation will stay high as well! As always, I welcome thoughts, comments, questions, ideas, etc.