Chapter 27. Gravity

"That's cute, right?" Addison holds her phone out to show Mark the picture she just took. The focus of the picture is Kate, of course (it never isn't now), who is propped up in her father's arms, but a lush spring morning in Central Park is featured in the background. Cotton candy-shaded cherry trees stand tall, their fallen petals littering the grass like confetti.

"Yes. Helps that the subject is cute," Mark taps Kate on her button nose. She lifts her head towards him, tongue comically poking out of her mouth as she concentrates on maintaining eye contact. "Although I do really like this hat," he adds.

"Me too." Addison can tell the hat their daughter is wearing was probably a bit ambitious for a novice knitter like Meredith. Lavender, white, and light blue strands have been pulled neatly together (the neatness is the result of Izzie's covert follow-up surgeries), and little bear ears are stitched near the top.

Addison considered asking Derek for Meredith's number so she can text her the picture of Kate, but she thinks this may be pushing too hard. Or it may just be intrusive, especially when the intern is probably feverishly studying for her licensing exam. She settles for texting Derek the picture and the original message, telling him to thank Meredith again.

"She also tends to photograph better now that she's less of a blob," Mark adds.

Addison nudges him, feigning offense on Kate's behalf, but she knows it is true. At one month of age, Kate is less of a blob now. She has a personality and is a bit more active. She has become a "talker," peppering her communication attempts with squeaks, hums, gurgles, and other nasally sounds that her parents cannot get enough of. Her voice includes different pitches to her cries, too: the choky, low-pitched one is a sign of hunger; the whiny one – they have tried to figure out a nicer way to put this, but they're coming up empty – means she's tired; and the colicky one, of course, is just a cry that doesn't end.

Kate likes to look at her parents' faces and likes to touch her own (she has hit herself in the face on more than one occasion). She loves her pacifier and loves to hold the ears of her stuffed elephant. She also had her first well-baby appointment this past Friday (Mark was true to his word and gave Addison an extra-long hug that day), and as they expected, her physician determined she was a perfectly healthy baby, now up two pounds.

Addison takes Kate back into her arms. Her daughter's fingers immediately curl around her cardigan. "And how lucky am I that my non-blob kid is exactly a month old on my first Mother's Day."

"Pretty lucky. You haven't even gotten to the present part yet." He bought a milestone blanket for Addison so she can take a picture of Kate each month next to the appropriate number scripted into the blanket (the suggestion came from Savvy, courtesy of Pinterest, because Mark for damn sure had never heard of such a thing before).

"The to-do list part," Addison clarifies. "I told you not to get me anything."

"And you thought I would listen?"

She smirks. "No, I guess not. Do you want to put her back in the stroller and walk around the Reservoir? She probably won't be hungry for another hour or so. And it's just so nice out."

"Well, it's your day."

"I could get used to hearing that. And before you ask…" Addison shakes her head when she sees Mark's mouth round in a question. She busies herself with getting Kate settled in the carry cot attached to the stroller. "Yes, I can do the whole loop…I think. I'll tell you if I'm getting too tired. But I have been walking every day and doing yoga at home, so it should be fine."

"Alright. Sounds good," he says, watching Addison become distracted as she stares in the direction of the playground they are sitting by, where a toddler with red ribbons holding up her pigtails is being pushed in a bucket swing by her mother. Addison's expression becomes thoughtful.

"Look, Mark," she says. "That's going to be us someday."

Mark snorts. "More like that is," he points out a little boy on the other side of the playground. The boy's face is smeared with dirt and he has just begun a headfirst descent down a spiral slide. Something between a joyous laugh and a scream escapes his mouth, a sound five times too loud for his tiny frame. "That idea has Mark Sloan's kid written all over it."

"Damn. You're probably right."

-

"Hey, Ad? Are you going to be okay with me going back to work? I could take more time off, or I could always reduce my hours or something…" Mark watches for her reaction as she interacts with Kate on the play mat, dipping a stuffed otter to Kate's chest, and then pulling it back up for Kate to see. Their daughter wiggles happily each time this occurs.

Mark is a little over a week away from going back to work. The thought of not being here with them all day is making him more emotional than he thought it would.

Addison shakes her head. "No, it's okay. One of us should probably go save some lives. When it's toughest with this little love bug, it's always in the evenings, and you'll be home then…even though holding a screaming kid after a long day in the OR isn't necessarily the ideal situation to come home to."

"What about the nanny thing?" He asks. "Maybe we could look into getting one earlier than planned…even if it's just for a few hours a week?"

"I'm not going back to work until July, so we still have time. Josie gave me the number of an agency she used – and she's really happy with her kids' nanny. I'll get on that sometime early next month. Mark?" She blinks sadly at him, and then looks away when she feels her eyes start to well up. Postpartum hormones continue to be an unpredictable monster. "Are you bringing up the nanny thing because it's just going to be me at home? And you don't think that I…?"

Mark quickly takes her hand. "I'm bringing it up because you're an amazing mom, but that's still a long time to be stuck with a baby solo and not have a break. I'd feel the same way if our roles were reversed. We don't have to use someone now though if you don't want to, honey. Just promise you'll tell me if you desperately need some alone time? You're great at a lot of things, but asking for help usually isn't one of them."

"Are you about to imply that's a weakness of mine?" Addison looks back at him now with a lighthearted smile, the flash of sadness gone as quickly as it arrived.

"Hell no, because you don't have any weaknesses," he responds, grinning back at her. "You're that good."

"Good answer. So what's your weakness? If you have one, I mean."

"I'm an easy mark for evil redheads."

"Yeah, you kind of are," Addison giggles. "Well, I promise I'll tell you if it's too much and my evil self needs a break from this little angel redhead."

-

"By the way," Addison begins. She hesitates for a breath, getting the sense her doctor is not all that interested in what she has to say right now. Maggie is a bit preoccupied with cooing at the redheaded baby she delivered six weeks ago. "While I'm here can you insert a copper IUD for me? I meant to ask you that sooner in case you don't have time, but it completely slipped my mind."

"Oh, yeah. Of course," Maggie pulls herself to her feet, because while she would prefer to continue to engage with Kate as the little girl happily waves her arms around in chaotic motions, she really does have a job to do.

Mark cuts in before Maggie can say anything else. "An IUD?"

"Well. Would you like another baby right now, Mark?" Addison deadpans.

"No…"

"And would you like to wear condoms?"

"Addison," he tips his head down to Kate, who is now batting at the wrap-around toy knotted around the handle of her car seat. "Not in front of our child."

"I think she's bringing this up because of said child, Mark," Maggie laughs.

"We need something. And yesterday I walked around all day with spit-up in my hair and my shirt on backwards, so I don't really trust myself to remember to take the pill every day." Addison gives him a pointed look. Not taking it consistently was what led to Kate, after all.

"No worries. We can definitely do that once I've examined you, Addie," Maggie assures.

"Perfect. And you," she gives Mark a joking (but also serious) smirk. "Get outta here. You were just in here to reintroduce Maggie to the most beautiful and brilliant baby she's ever delivered. And now you need to take our kid and leave for a few minutes. You've seen enough medical vagina-related things from me this year."

-

They finally try a few nights later, at first on pause because of the mild cramps from the IUD insertion, and then for various Kate-related reasons. But now Kate is asleep in her crib and the baby monitor is on. They do not expect any interruptions since they just put her down and she has been sleeping for four-hour stretches during the night for about three weeks now, but they know it is still a possibility, so it takes a moment for Mark and Addison to relax and focus on this moment.

"I feel like I'm a teenager again," Addison smiles shyly against his mouth, pulling back.

Mark quietly retracts his hand from where it was buried under her shirt. She had seemed comfortable at first, giggly and affectionate and definitely into this (the glass of red wine helped) when she scooted over to him and kissed him deeply, a kiss filled with desire and expectation. But now she is tense again. The rigidity settled in shortly after his fingers began moving upwards, dancing over the dips of her ribs. Mark knows what at least part of the problem is, and her insecurity makes him sadder for her than he can put into words.

"Since when were you having sex in high school?" He tries to banter back to help her relax. He brings a hand up to affectionately stroke her hair.

"I wasn't," she replies with a grin. "Braces and the lisp and Star Wars, remember? Sex came later. Then came good sex. Then came –"

"Sex with Mark Sloan?"

"I was going to say really good sex, but yes, you're correct. One and the same. I meant…just. The general feeling of being awkward in your skin. And feeling self-conscious. Not that you probably ever experienced that," she says, prompting him to sigh in sympathy.

"We don't have to do anything if you don't want to, Addison."

She manages a weak smile. "I think you said some sort of variation of that the first weekend I slept over here."

"I meant it then, although probably more reluctantly. And I mean it now. Birthing a kid is a big fucking deal and your body went through a lot. It's fine if you're not ready yet."

"I…yeah. I don't think I'm ready yet," she sinks her teeth against the inside of one of her cheeks. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Want me to rub your back?"

There is another weak smile. "Well, since nothing else is going to be rubbed…"

"It really is okay, Addie. But is it just a self-conscious thing, or is it a fear thing too? It might help if I knew."

"A fear thing?"

"It's just that I read -"

"Oh, God. I hate when you read. Are you going to say something gross now that will embarrass me?" A long pause filters through the air. Addison groans, pressing her thumb to the bridge of her nose. "Fine. Just say what you're going to say."

"Well, first of all, I didn't read it. I asked Maggie if there's anything I should know when you took Kate to the bathroom to change her diaper after your appointment."

"Great. Somehow that's worse."

Mark shrugs at her. "Hey, at least I wasn't the one bringing up sex in front of our daughter. But anyway, I'm just saying that if I need to pick up some lube or something -"

"Oh my God, Mark!"

"I'm telling you what Maggie told me," he says in defense, fighting back a chuckle. "There's a chance there will be dryness and more sensitivity -"

"Ew, no! Mark, you have to stop," Addison shrieks, half-laughing and half wanting to cry. She tugs the comforter over her head, cocooning herself in a safe place where this conversation no longer has to happen. "This is my line of work, so obviously I know these things already. And I swear to God, if you come home with sixty fluid ounces of Astroglide or something -"

"Okay, first of all, bullshit do they have a bottle that is sixty fluid ounces. What the hell stores are you going to? That's like the equivalent of a two-liter coke," he touches the top of her head from above the covers. "And Addison, we have to be grownups and have a conversation about this. I bring this stuff up because you won't. You could do this with a patient, so you have to at least try with me so I can understand. I'm coming under now. This is Vermont."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Addison sighs, offering him a confused look when his head pops under the comforter.

"You're from Connecticut. You don't talk about this stuff with your boyfriend. I'm from New York and I talk about this stuff an alarming amount. So now we're in Vermont. It's a nice, safe middle ground. They have great maple syrup and guys named Ben and Jerry. I'll try not to say anything gross, but you have to meet me halfway. Under the covers equals Vermont. And in Vermont we talk about what you're feeling about potentially having sex after having a baby. Because you have thoughts and feelings about it, and while I can guess what those are, it would be so much easier on the both of us if you just tried to talk to me about it."

Addison closes her eyes briefly, and reaches out to lace her fingers through his. "Okay. I think…I think it's more of a mental hurdle than anything else. I'm not afraid about the pain or anything, if that's what you were asking. I expect there to be some discomfort at first, and I guess that makes me a little nervous, but it's not a debilitating kind of nervousness, and realistically it's nothing compared to pushing a human out of my body. It's not the fear thing. It's the other thing. The self-conscious thing."

"Okay. Tell me about the self-conscious thing."

"It's a two-parter. It's knowing that sex isn't going to be the same as it was before she was born. It will be different, and I don't know what different will be like – if it will feel good for me, for you, for us. And it's also knowing that it will be different because I don't look like what I looked like before I had her."

"Okay. The first one. You're right; it'll be different. And I know it will be tough for you to stay out of your head so you're gonna be stressed about that. Just remember that sex is the finish line, not the start line. We'll build up to it. We're good at that. And if it's just the building up part we focus on for a while, that's fine. It'll still be good, Addison."

She levels him with a knowing stare, and is somehow able to smile. "And you like the building up part, from what I can recall."

"Indeed I do. And the other part: no, you don't look exactly what you looked like before you had Kate. You can't yet – it hasn't even been two months. But you look incredible…and I know you probably won't believe me, but somehow you look even better to me than you did pre-baby because I love you more for having our kid. You've still got it, Addison," he flips the comforter back, pulling it off their heads. "You're beautiful. And you're a stone cold fox and wildly attractive. But I know me thinking that doesn't automatically make you think that too."

"Yeah. I'm working on it. And I know I'll get there," she swallows hard when her voice cracks. "Today's just not the day."

"No, it's not. Now it's a back rub day, which is fine. And I have a dry shoulder if you need to cry a little bit, too," Mark offers.

She takes him up on the offer, not able to stop a few discouraged sniffles from coming, even though he holds her tight and assures her it is okay, it is not a rush, that she will know when she is ready, and they can try again when she is.

-

They try again. About a week later, Addison walks into their bedroom once Mark has given her permission; he had asked her to wait in the kitchen. The drapes have been pulled closed. Two candles she bought ages ago but never lit now flicker from the dresser, flames shadowing through the room's dimness. Quiet instrumental music, literal music to her ears because it is something different from the songs they play for Kate over and over again, is humming in the background. A few pillows and towels have been lined up on the bed as some sort of makeshift massage table, she suspects.

Addison was certain that June sixth – the Yankees game – would be the first time she would feel able to leave Kate for anything other than a quick errand, but she woke up on the last Saturday of May and something felt different to her. It didn't feel as impossible anymore to separate herself from her daughter for a bit. She asked Mark if he maybe wanted to get lunch, just the two of them, if Savvy and Weiss were around and willing to watch Kate for a few hours. Savvy and Weiss were of course more than happy to watch their goddaughter, and although Addison was a little teary-eyed when they left her friends' townhome, she was able to recover over an appetizer. Savvy in particular was glad Addison was going somewhere other than for a walk in Central Park, and she spent a long time fawning over her friend's silk top with a generous scoop neckline and a flattering pair of straight leg (maternity) jeans. She encouraged Mark and Addison to stay out as long as they wanted, and to just let her know when they wanted to come pick up Kate.

And after a lovely, peaceful lunch at Grazie, they came back to the apartment, deciding to take a nap before heading to pick up their daughter. And apparently a massage, Addison thinks. Her lips peel back in a slow smile as she looks around the room.

"Are you trying to seduce me, Mark Sloan?" She asks.

"I'm trying to give you a massage because your back muscles have been as tight as a drum lately. And our kid isn't here so we don't have to worry about being interrupted. Don't think ahead, Addie," he shakes his head. "It's just a massage, and a potential nap. Oh, and my phone is on the dresser. 'Do Not Disturb' mode is on for everyone except Sav and Weiss. Now lie down and relax."

She spies a bottle of lavender oil nearby. "Should I undress…?"

"If you want," he shrugs mildly. "I'm gonna heat up some of the oil. And undress, don't undress…whatever you want to do or not do is fine. The goal is to just relax. I'll be right back, okay?"

Addison thinks about it for a moment once Mark has left the room, and decides to slip out of her top. She opts to leave her jeans and maternity bra on. She then climbs onto the bed, getting situated on her stomach and tipping a cheek to the side to rest on a pillow.

"Try to stay out of your head," Mark says when he comes back into the room. He gets settled next to her, rubs some oil between his hands, and starts with her neck and shoulders, attempting to soothe out the tension knots roped in her muscles.

"By the way, that better not be Astroglide," Addison jokes a few minutes later when his fingers run along her spine.

"It's not," he laughs, pressing the heels of his hands into her back and pushing up to the base of her neck, doing his best not to smear oil over the back of her bra. Mark repeats this motion several times. "But, Addison, you're not going to believe this. I know I said there was no way you were right about that arbitrary amount of fluid ounces you threw out there, so I looked into it a little more -"

"Of course you did…" she mumbles, sighing contently when his hands move up and down her sides in slow, gliding strokes.

"And it turns out there are ones out there that big. I saw a sixty-four ounce bottle of lubricant on Amazon. Crazy, right?"

"Mm," Addison manages in response. She closes her eyes for a while, focusing on how comforting this feels, how warm it feels, how good it is making her feel as Mark alternates between heavy and light pressure. She starts to breathe a little quicker, and then releases a soft moan when his thumb slides over the nape of her neck.

"Feel okay?"

"Feels incredible," she answers. "You didn't have to do all this, you know."

"I know, but I wanted to." He bends down to place a kiss on her upper back, but has to lean away when she unexpectedly rolls beneath him, turning over.

"Hi," Addison stares up at him. She forces herself not to cross her arms over her body.

"Hi there. You're beautiful," he lightly sets his hand on her stomach. It takes a moment, but Addison releases the breath she could feel herself holding in. "And you're a lot of other looks-related adjectives that I would be happy to list out for you, but…mostly you're just beautiful."

"Thank you." She blinks up at him, slowly tearing up. He said she would know. And now she does. "For…for making me feel beautiful. And for loving me. Mark, I'm ready now."

"You are?"

Mark honestly hadn't expected this to happen (hoped, sure, but expected, no). He was one-hundred percent fine with just giving her a massage and taking a quick nap before going to get Kate. But then, he thinks, he hadn't really expected Addison to happen, either. Or their daughter. Or this life. A life where he craves intimacy with her as much as he craves sex, where her happiness matters so much more than his own, where everything just matters more, where living without her just isn't an option.

He decides he will pull Savvy aside some point soon and ask if she will go engagement ring shopping with him.

"This honestly was just for you, Addie," he continues, tone gentle and reassuring. "I wasn't, like, expecting anything from you. We don't have –"

"I know," she reaches a hand up to cup his cheek. "But I want to."

Addison is certain that the first time having sex in a long time and after having a baby will feel different.

She is right. It is different.

But it is also better.

-