The next part is a blur for me, I know I end up back in the compound, and remember bright lights and the smell of antiseptics, there are plenty of humans and dogs around me, saying things, but my world is spinning and I can't hear them. It's like I am underwater. There's a sharp pain up my injured leg and I turn around gritting my teeth in pain. I hear some sort of tsk above me, before feeling a pinch right behind my shoulder blades. Sedative?
I smell Akira and Yuki, as they try to say something to me, but when I try to focus I feel my eyes cross. Part of me gets annoyed, it's too loud, too bright, and there's too much going on, but I can't make my sluggish body do anything. It's like being a newborn pup all over again. I don't know how long it is before Kuromaru and Kenta arrive. Kuromaru and Akira start barking and growling at each other, neither seems pleased. Kenta, however, pads up to me.
"Go to sleep pup." he says in a calming voice. It's the only thing I've been able to pick out of all of the chaos happening around me. "You're safe now," he continues, and slowly begins counting backwards for me. Too exhausted to think about it, I try counting with him, and it's not long befoer I take it to heart, falling into a deep and dreamless sleep.
The next few days I alternate between sleeping and eating. I learn that the snake managed to inject me with a nasty dose of poison, and it will be a while before I can get my muscles to respond to me. Furthermore, there's bruising along my ribs, and they don't want me straining myself. For now, I stumble around in a tiny room, with next to nothing in it for my own safety. Occasionally, someone comes by to feed me, or change the bandages that have practically mummified my back legs. I am, to put it lightly, bored out of my mind. I don't even have that pain in the ass voice to talk to.
By the fourth day, I manage to pace the length of the room three times before I am winded, and they replace the full wrappings with a small patch. It's also when I finally get visitors.
Tsume slides the door open, and she and Kuromaru walk in. It feels like I haven't seen her in forever, and she's sporting a few new scars, and dark circles under her eyes. She must have been out on the battlefield. Even so, she manages a huge grin when she sees me and flops down beside me, digging her hands into my fur and giving a rough pet.
"I never should have doubted you Kuro!" She says, with a hint of laughter. "I mean sure, dumb as fuck for wandering so far into that damn forest, but you've got to admire that courage, taking down one of those snakes!" He rolls his eyes at her and turns his attention towards me.
"So pup. How was the first kill?" he says in a monotone. No emotion. I wince, the taste of blood wells up in my mouth and my injured leg tenses. I swallow and rack my brain for something to say other than revolting or horrifying, but he beats me to it.
"It's never supposed to be ok. If it were ok, something would be wrong." his voice is still even, no kindness, but no malice either. Regardless, I feel my shoulders relax.
"What you did was impressive," he continues, "but unnecessary. Going that far out, and putting yourself in danger for what?" he says, and this time I can hear an edge. Damnit! Does he think i meant to do this?
"It wasn't my plan!" I snarl back. "But I couldn't catch any of the other animals, they all fled before I got close. Besides, I wasn't just going to kill some random fuzzy thing, minding its own business just to prove something to you!" If I had been in my right mind, there's no way I would have said something like this. But I wasn't. I was stressed and tired and on some intense painkiller or something. I wasn't afraid to speak my mind.
"I mean seriously, I'm not here to become some killing machine, I just want to make sure these kids grow up all right! And I don't see how killing a couple innocent little bunnies is going to do that! And I know I have nothing to prove to you! You know why? Because I'm not some pup! I'm an adult! I've always been an adult, and before all of this, I was going to be someone!" My voice chokes on the last part, a wave of grief hits me. I was. I was in college. It was my last year, I was saying goodbye to people and getting ready to move on. I was going to move to a new apartment, one near the bus line, and a cheap coffee place, I had just signed the lease with… with…
I can't remember. I'm forgetting them. I rack my brain, but I can't come up with a single name, not even my own. Did I ever know my name? I can't even remember that. I can feel the weight of Kuromaru's glare and Tsume's concerned look, but I don't care. The grief rises up inside me and I feel like it's crushing my heart. I don't want them looking at me, so I run through the open door, but neither of them chose to follow me.
By the time I stop running I realize that I am in front of my mother's room, and I can smell her and my siblings inside. The rational part of me has no idea why, but I nudge the door open and walk in. Nao and Dai are wrestling on the floor, while Yuki, Kouta and our mother talk to the side. They all stop to look at me, before Nao and Dai rush me, asking a million questions at once, voices overlapping. Mother lets out a sharp bark and they are silent. She looks me up and down and then settles on the bandage on my leg.
"What happened?" she says, eyes narrowed, but without anger. I tell them what happened in the forest, watching her mouth tighten in disapproval and her tail flick back and forth. She's surprisingly cat-like, I realize. Dai and Nao interrupt occasionally. With all of their excitement, it's almost infectious and I realize, yeah, I am kind of a badass aren't I? But Mother and Yuki remain silent, and Kouta only asks if I identified the snakes that attacked me, which I didn't. By the time I finish telling the story I realize night has fallen. We eat supper as a family together, and it's… nice. I can't really remember the last time I did this.
After supper, Dai and Nao demand I practice with them but Yuki cuts them off, and chews them out thouroughly, so they slink away to find some other place to roughhouse. With them gone, the mood turns more sombre. I realize that the others have quiet at dinner. I can tell they want to talk to each other, but are unsure with me around.
"Yuki, there are other options for you, I can see if anyone else needs a partner? There are a few humans looking into the boar migrations?" Kouta begins after an awkward few minutes of silence. She looks down at her paws.
"Thanks but… I don't know…" she says.
Wait. wait. I meet eyes with mother and she gives me a hard look. Don't say anything.
"Well, let me know…" Kouta trails off, and we return to silence again. I can hear crickets, and the sounds of a scuffle somewhere nearby. It would be peaceful, were it's not for the tension. Yuki turns to leave, and as she passes by me she nudges me.
"Good job Akamaru." she says, and then "good night."
Kouta sighs. I look between him and mother. "She didn't pass. Couldn't bring herself to kill anything. She had a rabbit cornered and let it go. Takahiro saw and chewed her out about it,so she ran off. Came back here. We found out today that because of her actions she wouldn't be able to try again. She officially lost her status as ninken." he says, slowly. I can hear that he is choosing each word carefully, and the measured tone doesn't reflect how he really feels. Shit. And here I was telling everyone about my fearsome showdown with the snakes.
I look up at my mother. "Should I… go talk to her? Apologize or something?" she nods her head no.
"I think it's best to let things be." but I still feel the knot in my stomach of all of the things we had said to each other, and the shame of not even thinking about her and how she did the past few days. But I am not sure what to do. So I sit quietly and listen to the sound of the crickets.