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Haruhi looked at Fuyumi in surprise. Fuyumi blushed and looked down, then said in a much softer voice, "I was raped, too."
"Oh, Fuyumi, I- I'm so sorry," Haruhi said. She sat down slowly, not really knowing what to say.
Fuyumi remained standing, still looking down at the floor. "I- I don't know, I mean, I-" she stammered, then took a deep breath, apparently collecting her thoughts. She sat down again and looked up at Haruhi, then quickly down at her mug. "I don't know if you want me to talk about it. I mean, I know you have your own problems and I don't want to add my own, but I've never really talked about it. Except once. I only know one other person who's been through it - my grandmother - and she's dead now." She looked at Haruhi and said quickly, "Like I said, if you don't want to talk about it, I understand. I know you probably didn't want me to know what happened to you, or anyone else for that matter. I'm sorry. It's late and I shouldn't keep you up. You've had a hard day, and-"
"It's ok," Haruhi assured her. She remembered her dream and was suddenly certain that Fuyumi was who her mother meant. "You can talk about it. It really helped me to talk to the host club. I want to help you, too."
"You talked to the host club about it? The entire club, not just Kyoya and Tamaki?" Fuyumi asked, clearly startled.
"Yeah," Haruhi confirmed. "I didn't want them to know, but they all found out anyway. It was humiliating at first, but then they talked to me about it, let me open up to them. They were all really nice and comforting, and I realized I should have had more faith in them to begin with."
"Wow," Fuyumi breathed. "That's really amazing, Haruhi. I was so surprised the boys could handle something like that. Teenage boys aren't usually that mature and understanding. Teenage girls, either. You're incredibly lucky to have friends like that."
Haruhi smiled. "I am," she agreed fervently.
Fuyumi looked back down at her empty mug, and then to her half-full wine glass. "I never had anyone like that. I was attending Ouran University when . . . when it happened. All my friends were all pretty superficial. I didn't want anyone to know, but word got around. The guys who did it-" she stopped and choked up.
"Guys? Plural?" Haruhi asked, horrified.
"Yeah," Fuyumi said softly. She tried to speak again, but she was still too choked up. She grabbed the wine and drank all that was left in the glass almost violently. Throat cleared, she said, "I'm sorry, Haruhi. It's very painful to talk about it. It's painful to remember it. It's been five years, but-" she paused, her eyes brimming with tears. "It won't go away. The pain. I try to forget it, to move on, but it's always there, in the back of my mind, bubbling up to the surface sometimes . . . I'm not an alcoholic, I swear, but sometimes alcohol is the only thing that gets me through."
Haruhi's mouth hung open in sympathy - and horror. Horror both at what Fuyumi was going through and at the implications for her own future. Is that what I'm going to be like in five years? she wondered, feeling a little sick. "It's ok," she said out loud. "I understand. My dad was the same way for years after my mom died. It was only the last couple years that he stopped. I'm glad he stopped. It's not really the best way to cope."
"Yeah," Fuyumi agreed with a slight hiccup. "I know it's not, but I can't really function any other way. I can't go to bed without it. Not to sleep, and definitely not when my husband wants to-"
"I understand," Haruhi said quickly. She didn't really want to talk about Fuyumi's intimate relations; it was too embarrassing a topic. 'Wait,' she thought, 'am I going to be like that when I get married?' She remembered how she felt at the doctor's office, knowing the gynecologist was going to touch her down there. Was that what it was going to like whenever anyone wanted to touch her like that? Would she have to get drunk in order to be intimate with her husband? The thought made her want to cry.
Tentatively, Haruhi asked, "Does he know? Your husband, does he know what happened to you? Does he understand why you need to . . .?" She left the words unsaid.
Fuyumi shook her head. "No. I never told him, and he never heard the gossip. That's why my dad chose him for me in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband very much. It was an arranged marriage, but we're very happy together. I just can't tell him. I'm ruined for him. I don't want him to know that. I don't want him to look at me and know how . . . spoiled I am. Like a rotten egg or something."
"Or a broken vase," Haruhi murmured.
Fuyumi looked up at her sharply. "Right, a broken vase. I saw the boys talking to you about it. About the kintsugi vase. Do you think they're right? Do you think you'll be whole again? Cracked, but still ok? Still . . . beautiful, I guess? Having worth?"
"Yes!" Haruhi said fervently. "Yes, I do. And you, too, Fuyumi. You're a wonderful person. Those guys didn't change that." She smiled, remembering Hunny's words. "Nothing anyone ever does to you will change that."
Fuyumi started crying. Haruhi felt awkward. She may not be as clueless as Kyoya as how to handle other people's emotions, but she wasn't exactly good at it, either. Tamaki would know how to handle this. The thought surprised her. Kyoya was right, Tamaki, really was incredible at knowing how to help others. How had Haruhi not seen that about him before? Oh, right. Because he was usually a buffoon.
Taking her cue from him, Haruhi engulfed Fuyumi in her arms and let her cry. A part of her wanted to cry, too. She had never been much for using tears as an emotional outlet - not since she was a child coping with her mom's recent passing - but with everything that happened tears seemed to come frequently now. Even so, she was able to hold back her own darkness while helping Fuyumi through hers by thinking about how much Tamaki had helped her. That led her to thinking about the other members of the host club, and how incredible they had been. Fuyumi was right, Haruhi really was lucky to have friends like that.
She looked at the woman in her arms. Fuyumi obviously wasn't as lucky as she was. Her friendships were clearly not as strong as Haruhi's own, and she was too embarrassed to talk to her husband about something this deep. Haruhi wondered what that must that be like, being married to someone you didn't feel you could confide in? It seemed like a horrible fate. Was it because their marriage had been arranged? Possibly, but unlikely. Arranged marriage or not, Fuyumi said she and her husband were in love. Then why couldn't she confide in him?
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Fuyumi said, and Haruhi noticed that her words were starting to slur. The wine was starting to get to her. Fuyumi took a tissue out of the box on the other side of the bar and wiped her face, then continued, "I hardly know you. But I feel I can trust you since you've been through what I've been through."
"Yeah," Haruhi said, and suddenly the broken vase feeling started in her chest and tears threatened to form in her eyes. She focused as hard as she could on Fuyumi. "I mean, I was . . ." she paused, and had to force the word out, "raped, but just by one guy. You said you were attacked by more than one. I can't imagine what that must have been like."
The second Haruhi said it she knew it had been a mistake. Fuyumi's eyes welled with tears and she looked as if she was struggling not to cry again. Instead, she poured more wine into her glass and knocked it back like a shot of whiskey. Haruhi wondered how much of it she had drunk that night already.
Apparently it was more than enough, since Fuyumi put her head down on the table and fell asleep. Haruhi had a lot of experience with this, and she nudged Fuyumi awake enough to help her to her room. She put Fuyumi to bed, then went back to her own. As she drifted off to sleep, she wondered how many women - or men - she knew that had been through this and she wasn't even aware of it. It was a sobering thought.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Haruhi woke the next day to see sunshine filling the room. 'How late is it?' she wondered, then looked at the clock. It was 10:00 am! Haruhi jumped out of bed and saw her suitcase on the floor nearby. She ran to it and opened it, in a hurry to get dressed and get to school as fast as she could. 'How could they have let me sleep so late?' she wondered angrily. Yes, she had forgotten to set her alarm clock last night with everything else going on, but her friends should have woken her up regardless.
She dug through her suitcase and found a t-shirt and shorts, but no school uniform. 'Dammit!' she exclaimed out loud. Her dad must have been more drunk than she thought to forget to include her uniform. She would have thought Kyoya's mom would have reminded him, but apparently not.
Just then, there was a knock at the door. "Haruhi?" Fuyumi's voice asked. "Are you awake? I thought I heard you say something."
"Yeah," replied Haruhi, getting up and answering the door. Fuyumi walked in and Haruhi gestured to the suitcase. "My dad forgot to pack my school uniform! I've already missed half the day, and now I have no uniform!" she said, frustrated. "I don't suppose there's an extra one around here I could wear? I'd settle for one of Kyoya's even though it'd be too big. If you think he wouldn't mind, that is."
"Calm down, Haruhi. Don't worry about school," Fuyumi said reassuringly. "My mother and I knew how distressed you were last night and that you didn't sleep much, so we asked your father to call you in sick. You can spend the day resting."
Haruhi's face turned angry. "How could you do that?" she demanded. "I don't want to rest, I want to go to school! What's going on in my personal life doesn't mean I want to skip classes and stop learning. How am I supposed to become a lawyer if I don't?"
Fuyumi sat down on the bed and said soothingly, "Haruhi, missing one day won't keep you from becoming a lawyer. And Kyoya told you we'd pay for your schooling so you don't have to worry about losing your scholarship. Don't you see that you can't go on like nothing has happened?"
"Maybe, maybe not, but I can try! I want to try! And you guys aren't letting me! Shouldn't it be my choice whether or not I go to school?!" Haruhi almost shouted.
A look of realization came over Fuyumi's face, then contrition. After a second she said, "You're right. I'm sorry, Haruhi. It should be your choice. You've already been shut out of making enough your own choices, and I know how that feels. I won't do it again."
Haruhi took a deep breath and calmed down. "It's ok. I still need a uniform. If I hurry, I can make it to some of my classes at least."
"Before you make that decision, you should know your father wanted you to try to see the doctor again. He's very worried about you. I've set up an appointment with my own doctor for you for 11:00. I can cancel it and take you to school if that's what you want, but your father really, really wanted you to go today. I can go with you, and they can make accommodations so it's not as scary."
Haruhi looked down, considering. She saw her father's face in her mind, worried and crying over her. If going to the doctor would alleviate some of his worry, she wanted to do it. Yet she also wanted to go to school, to salvage as much of her normal life as she could. "Can you reschedule the appointment for after school?" she asked.
Fuyumi shook her head. "I'm afraid not. The doctor is booked up today. She was only able to squeeze you in since she had a cancellation. And I'm not an Ohtori anymore. I don't have the authority to make the doctor stay late." Haruhi was about to ask if they could find a different doctor or if someone else in the family could make the doctor stay late, but before she could, Fuyumi asked, "Haruhi, don't you want to know if you're pregnant? Or if you have an STD or are injured in some way? I know after it happened to me, that's all I could think about. I saw a doctor as soon as I could. Though," she looked away and confessed, "it was very difficult. I needed a few drinks before I went, and the doctor was not pleased. She still did the exam anyway, which was really fortunate since it turned out I had some . . . problems." She looked up at Haruhi and said earnestly, "If I had waited to get medical care they would have been worse. I don't want that to happen to you. Please, Haruhi, just take one day off and come with me to the doctor. Your health is more important."
Haruhi didn't want to know what kind of problems Fuyumi had, but the list on the pamphlet went through her mind, and she suddenly felt scared she might have one of them. Her shoulder's slumped. "Alright," she relented. As soon as she said the word she felt sick. The thought of having something on that list was scary, but the thought of having spread her legs for someone, even a doctor, was terrifying. 'If only I could be a mermaid.' It was a ridiculous thought. Yet the idea of not having legs to spread, of no one having access to down there, of not even having a down there, was very appealing.
Haruhi didn't notice that she had her hands pressed to her stomach, but Fuyumi obviously did. "When I made the appointment, I asked the doctor to prescribe you some mild sedatives so you wouldn't be so scared, and had the pharmacy deliver them." She pulled a pill bottle out of her pocket and handed it to Haruhi. "And don't forget, I'll be there with you. It will be over soon, then you won't have to think about it anymore," she said gently.
"Unless I have some problems, too," Haruhi mumbled worriedly.
"Even then, it's better to know and get it treated as soon as possible," Fuyumi said.
Haruhi looked at the pills. They were different than the ones she used to sleep, which was to be expected. Taking a deep breath, she nodded and said, "Ok, I'll go. Just let me get dressed first."
"Certainly," Fuyumi said, rising. "There's a glass for water next to the restroom sink. When you're ready there's food downstairs. We have time for a little breakfast before we leave." She gave Haruhi a reassuring smile before she left.
Haruhi felt to sick to eat, but she took her prescription, got dressed, and went downstairs, praying to her mom for strength.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o
A/n: I have no idea if doctor's offices are run the same way in Japan as they are here in the U.S., so I'm just going to write like they are.
Haruhi managed to eat a little fruit for breakfast, then she followed Fuyumi to the Ohtori's massive garage. She shook her head as she saw about a dozen or so cars and limos, with spaces for more. She wondered if she'd ever get used to the wasteful extravagance these rich people took for granted.
She expected Fuyumi to lead her to a limo, but instead Fuyumi led her to a silver sedan. "You don't have a driver?" Haruhi asked as they climbed in.
"No," Fuyumi answered, putting on her seat belt and starting the car. "I thought you'd like to talk without being overheard by anyone. Most people forget that servants are there and have ears, or they think that dividers between passenger and driver compartments are sound-proof. They're not. They muffle the sound, but you'd be surprised how much actually gets through."
Haruhi cringed. She had indeed thought that those dividers were soundproof. Her friends certainly acted like they were. She remembered freaking out in the car right after the attack, and later when she went to the gynecologist. What must the Ohtoris' drivers think of her?!
As if reading her mind, Fuyumi said, "Don't worry, Haruhi servants are very discreet, and usually very understanding. They won't tell anyone or judge you. I just thought today it would be nice for it to be just us girls." She gave Haruhi a smile.
Haruhi smiled back, though she wasn't exactly mollified. Discreet or not, nonjudgmental or not, it was still humiliating to have drivers and servants know what happened to her.
They drove down the street, and after a minute Fuyumi asked, "So, how are you feeling? Did the prescription help?"
"Yeah, it did," answered Haruhi. "I still feel anxious, but not as bad as last time. It's like my mind is under a heavy blanket."
"That's a good way to put it," Fuyumi said thoughtfully. "I'm glad it's helping. I wish I had thought of it when I went to the gyno that time, but I didn't know they offered that kind of thing. I'm glad I know now, though. It's certainly helped me in subsequent visits."
Haruhi made a noise of acknowledgment. She hoped that she wouldn't need any subsequent visits, whether she had calming prescriptions or not.
The drive was a short one, and soon they were pulling into the parking lot. As Haruhi saw the office building, her anxiety rose. The drugs eased the fear but didn't erase it completely.
"Don't be afraid," Fuyumi told her as they walked up to the door. "I've known this doctor for years. She's like a sweet old grandmother. If you like, she'll give you a sticker and a lollipop after you're done!"
Despite her anxiety, Haruhi laughed. "Does she have one that tastes like fancy tuna?"
"If she doesn't, I'm sure I get can get one for you. My husband owns stock in a candy company, you know!" Fuyumi laughed in reply.
They walked up to the desk and the receptionist barely had time to give them a greeting before a woman in a white coat walked up, introduced herself as Dr. Sohma, and led them back to the exam room. Haruhi was surprised. No paperwork? No waiting in the waiting room? No nurse to take her vitals, then leaving her alone in the exam room before a doctor eventually came along? This visit was already a lot better than the last one had been.
Fuyumi was right, Dr. Sohma was like a sweet old grandmother. When they entered the exam room, she said, "Now dear, I heard you're nervous. You ever see the first Harry Potter movie? The part where Mrs. Weasley told Harry to go through the wall to platform 9 3/4 at a bit of a run if he was nervous? Well, it's the same here. Get changed and onto the exam table as quick as you can, and we'll get this whole thing done so fast the fear can't catch you! There's a medical gown on the table. I'll be back in sixty seconds!" With that, she was gone.
Haruhi's mouth hung open, and Fuyumi gave a light laugh. "Makes you feel a bit dizzy, doesn't she? Don't worry, she'll go over everything nice and slow after the scary part is over."
"Uh, ok," said Haruhi.
There was a curtain in the exam room and Fuyumi ducked onto the side between it and the door, giving Haruhi some privacy. "Better change quickly. She wasn't kidding when she said sixty seconds!" she called.
Haruhi didn't give herself a second to think about how much she hated those stupid medical gowns, she just got out of her clothes and into the awful thing as soon as she could, then hopped onto the exam table.
True to her word, Dr. Sohma was back and doing the exam before Haruhi's fear had a chance to overwhelm her. The doctor had a very comforting manner, and was very careful in keeping as much of Haruhi covered as she could so Haruhi wouldn't feel too exposed and vulnerable. Fuyumi stood by Haruhi's head and held her hand the whole time. The exam wasn't exactly pleasant, but between the two women and the sedatives, Haruhi was able to get through it all right.
When the exam was done and Haruhi was back in her own clothes, the three of them sat down and Dr. Sohma told them her findings. "Now dear, some of your tissues were torn and there's some scarring, but nothing serious. I'm afraid you have a bit of an infection, but some antibiotics will clear that up. There's no sign of any other disease, and you're not pregnant," she explained.
"Oh thank goodness!" Fuyumi said, letting out a breath.
"And I won't have any problems having kids in the future?" asked Haruhi.
Dr. Sohma shook her head and said, "No, this won't affect your ability to have children. It also won't affect your ability to have sexual relations in the future, though you will have to avoid it for time being."
"Oh, don't worry about that!" Haruhi said emphatically. She, too, let out a relieved breath and sat back in her chair. Tears welled up in her eyes and she found herself having to work not to cry. Her emotions were all over the place. She was relieved, of course, and grateful, but she was also sad. More than anything, though, she realized she was angry. She shouldn't have to be relieved! There shouldn't have been anything to worry about in the first place! She shouldn't have had to go through any of this! She did nothing wrong! Certainly nothing to make her deserve this. Damn bastard, doing this to her! She wasn't glad he was dead. That wasn't a fitting enough punishment. He deserved worse. Haruhi should have gotten to make sure he was brought justice. She should have gotten to punch him, to hurt him, to scream at him and let him know everything he did to her just so he could get a cheap thrill. She deserved to make him feel as humiliated and violated and worried and terrified and ashamed and guilty and all the horrible things she felt because of him! Knowing that she couldn't made her frustrated and furious as hell!
Tears of rage and relief and a whole mess of other emotions spilled down her cheeks. Fuyumi reached out to hug her, but Haruhi fended her off. If Fuyumi comforted her now, her emotions would be let loose and she didn't know what would happen. She didn't know if she would start sobbing or screaming or wreaking havoc on everything in sight. The sedatives had worn off and Haruhi missed them - missed them in the only corner of her mind that wasn't about to blow up if she didn't do something!
Haruhi stood up abruptly and bowed to the doctor. "Thank you, Dr. Sohma. You've helped me a lot. I hope you have a wonderful day," she said, then walked quickly out of the room and out of the office.
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