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Broken Tools
Chapter 20: Is That A Motherfucking Jojo reference?
X.X.X.
(With Shikamaru and the gang, somewhere near the finish line)
When your homicidal friend who was usually a perpetual ball of manic sunshine kept a sour disposition, you treaded lightly.
Usually, one would.
But they were ninjas, all trained from birth to be ready to cut, slice, and stab anybody who got in the way of their mission or safety. Meaning that nobody could scare them easily.
Needless to say, Shikamaru was definitely wary of Naruto's murder boner as they raced towards the finish line. He'd been sending out assault squads of clones towards any team that he saw, regardless of whether they were already wrapped up in a fight or not.
It wasn't a pretty sight.
So far, they had yet to see any of the rookie teams from Konoha.
That meant that everyone encountered was on the chopping block, and when those clones went to butcher...
Shit got bloody.
One of the clones joined the trio in their mad dash through the snowy landscape, holding three blood-stained scrolls in his hands, "Got the insurance from that group as well, boss! What's next?!"
Once he reached out and received the scrolls, he channeled some chakra to his eyes to extend his vision, spotting the blimp on the mountain ahead, "Go ahead and see if you know who made it. Make other clones, disguise them as lizards or something if you have to."
With orders given, the clone took off to fulfill the mission.
Naruto had been noticeably different to Shikamaru, and eerily familiar to Tayuya ever since the Kabuto fiasco. Ruthless, cold and calculated.
The same way he was in their past after Orochimaru broke his trust, "Naruto... what's wrong? Did that four-eyed fucker set you off or something?"
The group was making progress towards speeding to the finish line, and as they neared the open expanse separating them from the hill with the blimp, Naruto replied to his teammate as he picked up the pace, "If he's here, then he's here. So we gotta wrap this up so I can give jiji a heads up."
A few meters to their left, Kurotsuchi and her team broke through the tree line as well, and the look on her face when she saw Naruto was... predatory to say the least. Her hands a blur, she shot forward and jumped to her right to aim her attack directly at the future cadaver and his team, "Yoton: Sekkaigyō no Jutsu (Lava Release: Quicklime Congealing Technique)!"
Seeing the rapidly-approaching technique come near them, Naruto willed a clone to go underground the second he flared his chakra to provide a snow screen, as well as boost his speed. They scattered to avoid being hit.
Seeing whatever that goop was melt the snow at an alarming rate, Shikamaru was glad they elected to avoid it.
But the big fat one was barreling towards him, finishing up hand seals.
Not good.
Shikamaru sighed and channeled some water chakra to his shadow, "Go fetch."
Akatsuchi was mere seconds away from punching Shikamaru when he felt his movement come to a screeching halt. His eyes narrowed on the smaller boy before him, "A Nara!"
"Please don't break out, please don't break out."
"Hmmph!" A flare of chakra backed his strength as he muscled his way out of the infamous shadow manipulation, which led to him opening his mouth. A large mass of rock shot out and formed into a golem of earth, with its eyes locked directly onto Shika, who had the perfect words for yet another fight with someone who could brute force their way out of his basic shadows.
"Aww, shit."
Backflipping away to avoid being pasted into the ground by the earth-shattering punch, Shika began to let his mind run a hundred miles per hour to assess the situation.
They were almost at the finish line, then an Iwa team jumped on them as soon as they left the trees.
No trees meant no cover for him to hide and think strategy. Or for him to use the environment to his benefit.
Buuuuuuut.
Snow was beneath their feet, and what was snow but another form of water?
He didn't spend a lot of his secret water-style training staring at the clouds, after all.
Akatsuchi sent a large boulder towards him with hopes of ending it right here and now, but to his disappointment he saw two figures dart out of the way.
Wait, two?
Shikamaru's shadow, which was a completely black version of him, grinned as it grew stronger from absorbing the moisture in the snow. It dashed towards Akatsuchi with a lot more speed than one would expect from anything that Shikamaru was responsible for.
A literal shadow clone? Akatsuchi felt his eyes widen, then narrow as he completed hand seals for an earthen wall. Slamming his hands into the snow below, the wall rose up just in time to stop a punch from the shadow.
But then Shikamaru came from his left, one kunai drawn and one thrown directly at his torso.
Another golem came from Akatsuchi's mouth and batted the kunai away, "A kunai won't stop me!"
BOOM!
"Akatsuchi!" Nishi cried after she saw him fly away at speed from ground zero, eventually smacking into a tree and damn near toppling it. She turned around and glared at Shikamaru with nothing but murder in her eyes, making a mad dash towards the future victim, "You're dead!"
Shikamaru just blankly looked at her, sticking his hands back into his jacket pockets, "Yeah, no." Usually seeing someone with red eyes charge you like a rhino was enough to make anyone try their best to get out of the way.
But this was Shikamaru, and there was one thing on his mind.
Getting this shit over with so he could get a decent sleep session in.
Nishi sprung into the air and completed a dizzying number of somersaults, coming down with an axe kick from hell directly aimed at Shikamaru.
Who still stood there, with a lack of any fear adorning his face, "Get her."
His shadow doppelganger erupted from the snow to jump up and grab her straight out of the sky, bringing her down to the ground via a brutal slam.
Not one to be taken out so easily, Nishi growled and tried to whip her legs around in a windmill style to kick this clone to smithereens, but something was wrong.
... Fuck, it was a Nara!
"I'll just hold you right here while my teammates jump yours." Shikamaru said as his clone fell into the ground like a bucket of spilled water, yet still maintained the firm hold on his opponent. He saw the fury in her eyes and shook his head, "Tsk tsk tsk, you let your anger put you in a bad spot. Rookie mistake."
"Fuck you! Turn your shadow off so I can show you who the rookie is!" Nishi snarled from her spot in the snow. Yes, she definitely fucked up big time.
But this Konoha bastard didn't get to admonish her! That was reserved for her teammates and sensei only!
"Yes, I'll just turn off my shadow and let the close-ranged specialist go to town on my ass. That's a brilliant suggestion." He replied with an eye roll, focusing on the spirited attempts that the lava girl was making to kill Naruto.
She was making it a point to keep Naruto from getting anywhere within grabbing distance. Every five seconds he had to shift his approach to avoid being melted, and it wasn't doing him any favors.
The girl obviously wasn't as keen on trading punches and kicks like her other teammates, which made things a little trickier for Naruto.
Trickier, but nothing that the blond couldn't handle.
He wasn't entirely on the defensive, either. He kept spawning up clones to take hits for him and try to get an angle on her to shoot her with bone bullets from his fingers.
She had a couple of close calls, but she remained on the ball.
...
At least, she thought she did.
Shikamaru knew that this was a wrap the minute he heard the flute begin to play. He didn't know what kind of caliber these guys were, but he found it pretty unlikely that they'd be able to stand up against a "Checkmate" strategy.
The goal was to force their opponents to yield or die. All three of them had a core part of their fighting style that could lead to quick deaths if they felt like it.
Shikamaru has shadows that stop movement and free will on a dime. Then with his new shadow technique, it made it even more of a checkmate.
He never understood why his clan by default were midrange trappers, yet nobody trained hard enough to keep up in close ranges.
Tayuya just needed you to hear her flute and get demolished by her ogres.
Naruto was the one person you wanted at a range at all times. All it took was one touch and he could turn it into a grapple and checkmate the enemy right then and there.
Who wanted to be chock full of bravado when you had a twelve year old with homicidal urges choking the shit out of you via a full naked nelson?
Said twelve year old could also wield his skeleton in a myriad of ways and instantly porcupine somebody.
Shikamaru saw him do it, and that was why he was terrified of Naruto at times.
It's why he broke away from standing still and trying to outthink everyone in every fight.
It's why he decided to upgrade his shadow abilities without anyone knowing.
It's why he molded himself into a close-range no no.
Skeletal prowess be damned, there wasn't much to worry about if Naruto, or anybody else, couldn't move a muscle.
Just like Nishi, who was screaming for her teammate to snap out of the genjutsu before it was too late, "Kurotsuchi!" No, she had to do something and something now! Even if she couldn't move and get off the ground, there was still something that could be done!
She took a deep breath to calm down and feel out her chakra.
Then she had an idea.
A never-before tested idea, but hey. There was no better test than a field test.
She mixed her two elemental chakras and let it build up within her, smirking once the Nara boy looked down at her.
"What are yo-!" First it was Akatsuchi's turn to have something blow up in his face, now it was Shikamaru's turn.
"Fuck, Shika!" Tayuya yelled as she watched him fly back into the forest behind them. She heard the branches snapping due to his body, and knew exactly what needed to happen, "Naruto!"
"Already on it!" Another Naruto claimed as he drug an unconscious Akatsuchi through the snow, growing sharp bones out of his palm and pressing them to his hostage's neck, "I'm pretty sure you know what we're going to say here, so let's not do anything too supid." The clone told Nishi as she ran towards him and her teammate, causing her to stop in the snow.
"You pieces of shit!" They had her pinned, and at the worst possible time. Her teammate with the ranged firepower was in lala land fighting a fight that didn't exist.
Wait no never mind, another one of the Fourth Hokage clones came from out of the ground and chopped her in the back of her neck to knock her out.
Scratch that, she was outmatched, outgunned, and out of patience.
"Alright bitch, here's what's going to happen." Tayuya said as she sauntered up beside Naruto, putting a hand on her hip, "We're going to leave and give ourselves a good head start on beating y'all to the finish lines. That guy holding your friend hostage is in a pissy mood, so your friend doesn't have any leeway for any stupid shit." Yet another clone came out of the woods, but with Shikamaru thrown over his shoulder.
"Alright, see you shitheads later! Be thankful that nobody died!" Tayuya teased as she went over to the real Naruto, noticing the bony coverings over his eyes, "... Should we ask why?"
"Why what?" Naruto asked, blinking curiously.
Tayuya felt a nagging suspicion that Naruto was fucking with her, but being out in the open like this wasn't the best place for some of the usual banter. They were too close to the finish line to relax and let off the gas, so Naruto's shenanigans could wait, "Nevermind, let's go finish this thing."
That sounded like something Naruto could agree with, so the trio left the Iwa genin in the snow with the clone.
"Hmmph, and you wonder why we hate you goddamn tree huggers." Nishi said with a very pronounced frown to the clone, who stared at her blankly.
All the clone wanted was to get the okay to dispel, but it couldn't be a clone of Naruto's without a sense of mischief. It smiled serenely at Nishi, squinting its eyes at her, "Hate us or love us, either way that's nothing but passion! And I love the passion between us..."
Huh? The fuck was the Fourth Hokage clone talking about?
"There is no passion between us!" Nishi cemented with a stomp, unaware of the approaching danger from the forest behind the clone, "Only hate! I don't like you or any of you fucking hippies!" And she had a good reason to.
But that reason wasn't known to Naruto, nor would he really care to find out, "Mmm, damn girl. I get you that stirred up? How about I drop him and come give you a hug?"
"Are you not listening?!" She screamed with twitching eyebrows.
"All I can hear is the sound of you and me, out here in the snow... having a very passionate moment."
Nishi saw exactly why Kurotsuchi wanted to attend his funeral.
Then she saw the barrage of kunai fly straight at Naruto's back and dispel him.
Great, now Akatsuchi wasn't in danger anymore!
But then she had to dodge her own barrage, which meant that there was yet another team to deal with.
Not great.
She shot to her right to avoid the weapons with ease.
Then Lee dashed through the snow from the tree line, took advantage of the girl being off balance due to her landing with one foot first.
He swept her, crouching down and balling up into a spin...
Then jutted his leg out at the perfect moment so that his kick landed right in her face, watching her flip through the snow quickly and roughly.
Nishi felt her vision almost fade to black due to being blasted like that, and she tried desperately to hold it together and stay awake.
Once her body finally came to a stop in the snow, she stared up at the grey sky, watching the snow cascade down towards her.
Right before her vision faded fully, she recognized the solid white eyes of a pissed off Hyuuga.
"You owe us a few scrolls, ma'am." Neji said with a vicious smirk, right before unleashing the beating of a lifetime.
X.X.X.
(In Undisclosed Location, Yukigakure)
"BULLSHIT!"
A stared at the four foot five gnome who dared to accuse him of bullshiting, "Do you know who you're yelling at, you little shit?"
"Yes, I know exactly who I'm yelling at. I'm old enough to yell at your dad, boy!" Onoki said, clearly not backing down from the towering wall of muscle seated beside him. The size difference was so great between the two that Onoki had to float and sit in lotus.
It was either this or catching hell from all of the big wigs in attendance.
"Ohoho, A-dono, you seem to be a bit hesitant." Hiruzen smirked underneath his hat as he looked at his hand to verify Onoki's claims, "And the little shit is right." Hiruzen said, ignoring the Dust Release technique being aimed at him from the other side of the poker table, "Bullshit. Pick them up."
Mei just watched the interplay between the three legends of the shinobi world, thanking all that was merciful that she was on their levels herself, because this was an extremely intense game of Bullshit.
Every time one of the three called somebody out, there was usually Kage-level intimidation that followed right behind.
A tried to clothesline Hiruzen while cloaked in lightning. Twice.
Everybody was held at dust point by Onoki at least once.
Hiruzen just kept one hand with a bloody thumb ready in case he needed to summon.
Even Jiraiya of the Sannin was in attendance, and he had arguably the worst intimidation out of all of them.
Any time that A got too macho man for his liking, Onoki started being a disrespectful old man, or if Hiruzen started calling him embarrassing nicknames from his childhood, he'd whip out three pictures that made all three legends cease any tomfoolery.
And here she thought that being a Kage was just a bunch of being a hardass and maintaining a strong face in public all the time, "Y'know, it has definitely been a strange Chunin Exams so far."
Rasa nodded in agreement as he put down three sevens and a nine, "Four fives. I agree,
Terumi-dono."
"Mei. Just call me Mei." Mei said for the fifth time, thankful that her hair was long enough to keep a majority of her face hidden. It did wonders in hiding her growing ire, "Please, we're all friends here. Apparently. Also one six." Which was soooo fucking weird to her.
Everybody was supposed to be politically correct or something! These were some of the most powerful, prominent shinobi in the whole world.
When Hiruzen came personally to fetch her for their annual secret Kage meeting, she thought that it was going to be less of her and Hiruzen hanging out and more of the usual Kage shit that she was actually expecting.
The political red tape.
The poking and prodding.
The subtle and not so subtle displays of military might.
They arrived, entered in through a secret entrance.
Sat down at a metal table... which was bolted down, almost excessively in her eyes.
"You'll see why sooner or later."
Then all five sat down.
A tense stare down ensued, and for a second, Mei thought that A and Onoki were going to kill each other.
Then, Jiraiya of the Sannin just popped up kabuki dancing on top of a Toad, slammed down a scroll on the table, and brought out some expensive bottles of sake.
Shots were poured, taken...
Then Onoki pulled a deck of cards out and they began to play bullshit.
No, they weren't discussing village affairs.
They weren't trying to threaten each other.
They weren't even talking about their genin who were fighting for their lives!
"Oh no you don't, missy! Pick them up!"
"Shit." Mei cursed, picking up her new pile. She got her hand situated, then cut her eyes to her side at Rasa, "Four fives, huh?"
As dull and straightforward as he usually liked to be, Rasa still had a bit of mischief in him as well, contrary to popular belief, "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you." Gold dust began to flow from his ears as he maintained a straight face.
Seriously, this Chunin Exams really made Mei feel like this was one big genjutsu. Just who the fuck where these people?!
Channeling a subtle amount of chakra to his fingers, Hiruzen threw down five cards, sticking them all together to make it look like one, "One seven. It looks like I'm going to be winning this one." He said, smirking at Onoki and A, "That means that you two are going to have to pay up soon."
"Over my dead body! Fuck you, old monkey!" Onoki roared, visibly disgusted with the thought of having to lose to his longtime rival.
Again.
"It'll be a cold day in hell before I let that happen, Hiruzen." A growled, eyeing that card that Hiruzen placed down with intensity, "You wouldn't happen to be... bullshitting, would you, monkey?"
Before the pressure could fully set in and shine the spotlight on the old man, the Kazekage decided to voice a thought, "It's pretty cold outside. Our genin are out there experiencing the hell that is shinobi combat." Rasa thought out loud, not flinching when the Raikage's lightning shroud came on and illuminated the room, "What? Am I wrong?"
The twitching eyebrow was amplified by the lightning chakra running through his system, "I liked you better when you didn't talk." Why right now, right when he was about to grill Hiruzen and make him fold under a lightning-enhanced gaze?!
"Can't say that I've ever been partial to you, though. Or Onoki."
Onoki's eyes narrowed, "I wasn't even talking! Don't lump me in with this meat head!"
"Oi, I'm the meathead?! Your nose looks like a raw meatball!"
Now there was a glowing orb that could erase anything it touched aimed at A, again, "You take that back!"
X.X.X.
(Later That Day)
"So this is who made it through, huh?" Kiba asked Shino as they walked into the room full of the remaining teams.
He spotted Naruto's team and Sasuke's team in the corner talking amongst themselves, minus the presence of Sasuke himself.
Neji and his team were talking to their sensei.
An Iwa team looked really rough as they stared Naruto and Neji's team down with pure murder in their eyes.
"No Nishi, not yet."
"Yeah Nishi, you can't go yet. But I can."
"Hold on! No! This is a team effort! We maul him together!"
Kiba wondered what Naruto did to end up on the shit list, other than throw off the whole second portion of the exams, "Sounds like Naruto has some people gunning for him."
Hinata heard this, and on the outside she sounded really cute voicing her concerns for her future husband, "Oh no, I hope nothing bad happens."
Internally, however, Hinata had a different frame of mind.
'How dare those bitches plan to hurt my future love slave?! I'll kill them with my bare hands!'
Adjusting his glasses, Shino agreed, "I concur, Kiba. Naruto definitely picked the perfect time to place a target on his back." And judging by the sheer intent being sent his way, Naruto earned the ire of some top-notch shooters.
Like the red-haired boy from Suna. Everything about him screamed bad news to Shino, and that was before he even saw the massacre.
The demented look in his eyes was chilling, and it wasn't even being directed at Shino, yet he could feel that something very bad was coming soon, "I hope so too, Hinata. However, I'm still getting a bad feeling..."
If Shino was getting a bad feeling, something had to be wrong, "Why, Shino-kun?"
"Genin! Line up with your teams!"
Shino's explanation was put on pause as everyone gathered and got in line.
Once the line was formed, Naruto scanned the oncoming crowd for either Asuma or Hiruzen. The plan was to make a beeline for them and inform them of the snake.
Nope.
Not him.
Wait, maybe him. He was the man who brought him back to Konoha, after all.
"Your name is... Naruto, correct?"
"Yup, who's as- oh, it's you." Naruto said, looking to his left to regard Gaara, "What's up?"
"Mother wants your blood. An-."
"I want it too, motherfucker! My leg is killing me!" Kankuro interrupted from the other side of Gaara, "You're a dead man walking, you know that right?"
Gaara turned his head slowly to look at his brother who interrupted his conversation, "... Pop?"
Kankuro was surprised that he was given a warning, but very very thankful that it was given. Instead of backing up his little brother in intimidating the future victim, he stared straight ahead like a good child soldier.
Interested at the pecking order on display, Naruto looked at Gaara with a twinkle in his eyes, "Wow, you have him trained really good! What kind of treats do you feed him?"
Kankuro turned to give Naruto a piece of his mind, but his arm got yanked by Temari, who saw exactly what Naruto was doing, "He's goading you into being handled by Gaara. Stop being so damn hot headed!"
"Can't blame me for trying." Naruto admitted with a smile and shrug, still paying attention to the malicious air beside him, "So Gaara, what's it like having an automatic defense like that? Does it work all the time, or do you have to work it yourself?"
Instead of answering the question, Gaara's eyes just narrowed as the killing intent spiked, "Me and Mother want your blood, Naruto. You will be a satisfactory way to prove my existence."
Proving his existence, hmm? Sounds action-packed, "Sounds like fun! We'd make pretty good rivals!" Offering his hand for a shake, Naruto smiled at Gaara, enjoying the fact that there was another person to unleash a few years of held-back hell on, "Put her there, pal!"
"You two." Ibiki stated as he, along with the rest of the jonin and Kage decided to get things started, "Enough. I can smell the animosity from across the room." Once Naruto put his hand back into his pocket and Gaara's sand slinked back to his person, Ibiki nodded and addressed the room of genin as a whole, "Alright, maggots! Congratulations! You've passed the second portion of the Chunin Exams!"
Stepping up to continue for Ibiki, Anko smirked, "Guess what your next task is?" Nobody answered, taking the air out of Anko's sails, "... It's safe to answer, y'know."
"A battle royale?" Sakura asked, hand raised.
"A treasure hunt?" Kiba asked, Akamaru barking to back up his partner.
"A chance to prove my existence?" Gaara lowly muttered, garnering shocked looks from his siblings.
A few more incorrect guesses were thrown out, only for Anko to rebuke every single last one of them, "Nope!" With a grandiose spin, she gestured to the line of kiddies that were in it to win it, "It's a tournament arc! Yay, televised one-on-one combat!"
"..."
"She's a proctor?" One of the genin asked themselves in disbelief at a superior's antics. Everyone else was about the business, yet this one has been consistently off-putting.
Ibiki nodded, noticing the looks on the genin's faces.
Some were excited.
Some seemed to be a bit worried.
Some seemed to be…
Wait, was that little pineapple-headed one falling asleep? Were the stakes not high enough to demand full attention and alertness?
Walking up to Shikamaru silently, Ibiki towered over him at first, then bellowed his next statement to scare the boy shitless and wake him up, "YES, ANKO-SAN IS CORRECT!" Once Shikamaru jumped out of his skin due to the sudden booming baritone demanding his attention, Ibiki turned the volume down from thirty-two to twenty two, "You've had your test that challenged your mental fortitude, then you were tested on your ability to work as a team and survive in an unknown hostile environment…"
From behind, the grandfatherly voice of Hiruzen caught their ears, "And now, the only test left is to see what level your individual combat prowess rests at. Are you capable of overcoming your shortcomings without your team backing you up?"
"Are you capable of unleashing your strength and ending your opponents with ruthless efficiency?" A asked next, activating his lightning cloak while giving the kids a death stare. Kage status be damned, there was nothing more fun than intimidating people with your hard-earned strength.
"Or, will it be clear that you still have work to do as an individual?" Mei asked with a slightly dark giggle, joining A in intimidating the kids by manipulating the room's atmosphere with her kekkei genkai.
Several of the kids visibly reacted to the spike in humidity in the room, which made the Kage behind them all flash hungry grins. Hiruzen stepped forward to wrap things up, but not without showing the kids that despite his size, he was arguably the most dangerous one there.
The kids felt as though they were in the presence of a giant, ancient monkey, hovering over them with its teeth bared and hands ready to grab them and whisk them off into the trees above.
"You all get three days to visit the medics, rest, recuperate, as well as actually enjoy the village of Yukigakure. Today is Friday. Tuesday, the war begins." The uncharacteristic sinister smile on Hiruzen's weathered visage sent chills down spines.
Even Gaara had to blink at how oppressive a smile from a Kage felt. His sand almost came out to defend him.
After the kids were given the rundown and dismissed, the Kage in attendance ceased the hostile vibes, with Hiruzen turning around with his hand out, "Pay the motherfucking Hokage, peasants."
And just like that, A's lightning shroud returned to bathe the room in an electrifying shade of blue, "Fuck you, you old monkey!" The fiftieth staredown that day occurred, giving way to A grumpily fishing out a handful of money to give to Hiruzen, "We still have time, Hiruzen. I'll get my money back, you old shit."
Digging a finger in his ear, Hiruzen collected his payout with a practiced old man wheeze in his voice, "I'm sorry sonny, my hearing isn't what it used to be. What was that?" He thumbed through the bills, nodding and pocketing the money, "Did you say something else, young man? I couldn't hear you over the sound of another bet being won."
A's eyebrow?
Twitching.
His muscles?
Flexed and primed to strangle a monkey.
But it would've been an international incident on his head if he decided to give Hiruzen what he deserved in front of eyes not privy to their secret games, so he decided to holster his hostility and save it for the next War Game, "Just you wait, you little shit. Just you wait."
Giggling at A's growing desire to maim Hiruzen, Mei handed her share to the elder as well, "These War Games are such an interesting pastime. Who would've known that the Kage play like this?" It made sense though.
Once you reached Kage level, there were only so many other people in the villages that could actually provide a challenge to you.
And even then, the days of truly being challenged skill-wise waned once you stepped out of the field and put on the hat.
That's where the War Games tradition began. Everyone in the know knew that the Chunin Exams was one big collective pissing contest in the Elemental Nations.
All of the villages brought the bulk of their fighting forces to show the other villages just what they were working with. These genin were going to be some of the rising names in the upcoming years, but while the genin tested their skills against those from other lands, that left the Kage to be one thing.
Bored.
Sometime around the Second Hokage's reign, the Kage got tired of being all boring and snooty every time they saw each other.
Yes, to the public they all had to keep up that veneer of having to keep the political peace so to speak, but that in itself became a part of the games.
The War Games between the Kage were meant for one thing. Honing the basic fundamentals of being a shinobi.
And now there were three whole days of being able to fuck with each other's heads with nothing but the fundamentals.
Mei giggled. For her first Chunin Exams, this wasn't as bad as she thought it would've been. A far cry from her experience when she was climbing up the ranks to get to her current status, but a very fun experience nonetheless.
X. X. X.
(In a Bar Later That Evening, Yukigakure)
"Oi, Gato. Another round, on me, eh?!" Jinpachi slurred as he raised his empty mug, eyeing the midget beside him as a dare to say no.
'Fuck you, Jinpachi. One day, one day I'll find someone who can get rid of you…' Gato thought as he signaled one of the beautiful servers to come to the VIP section. Once she came over there, his scowl lightened up thanks to the beauty of such a voluptuous young lady smiling at him.
"Yes sir, Gato-sama? How may I help you all?" The server said with a wink, leaning down to flash just enough cleavage to get some extra tips in her jar before the night was over.
"Another round of drinks, on me baby girl! Give all of these ugly bastards a drink!" Jinpachi yelled at the server, preventing Gato from even speaking. As he heard the cheers erupt in the bar, he flashed the young girl a shark-toothed grin, standing up to get his flirt on, "Say cutie,"
She giggled and blushed.
'The 'Pachi prowess, baby! These bitches are helpless before my masculine charms!' Jinpachi thought before he put the moves on her. He had this one in the bag already, "Ever hung out with a swordsman?" Receiving a shake of the head and another cute smile, Jinpachi leaned in to whisper in her ear, making sure to be extra breathy so he could tickle her skin, "Wanna hang out tonight? I'll let you polish my swords… if you catch my drift."
On the other side of the bar, Jiraiya, Asuma, Gai, and Kakashi were ducked off in their own section.
And giving Asuma some good old-fashioned hell, because as men, they believed he deserved it.
"You really missed out on hitting Anko too?!" Jiraiya bellowed at Asuma, who pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to quiet the legendary shinobi down.
"Shut up! I don't think the rest of the bar heard you!" Asuma growled as he fished out another cigarette. All he wanted to do was get drunk and ignore his failure to fulfill a fantasy plenty of men would've sold their headbands for, but nooooo.
"Gotta say Asuma," Kakashi whimsically droned as he flipped a page in one of his favorite novels, "You definitely dropped the ball on that one, my friend."
Cigarette lit, Asuma turned his growing ire and drunken frustration onto the scarecrow, "Ahh, don't give me that shit, Kakashi! I'd be surprised if you wanted to even get with one woman, let alone two with all of the porn you read!"
"Erotic literature, Asuma." Kaskashi chided, making sure that his colleague knew the difference between smut and the holy grail of written entertainment, "Erotic literature."
"Come now, Kakashi!" Gai said, drunkenly attempting to slap the porn out of his rival's hand. He failed yet again, which marked the thirty-second time that he was unsuccessful in his endevaors, but there was no such thing as failure in Might Gai's eyes, "Asuma does have a point! Surely all of that… oh fuck it, I'm drunk. All of that damn porn can't be good for a man's libido!"
Blowing a puff of smoke out, Asuma titled his head towards Gai as a thank you for backing up his point, "See? Even Gai knows you gotta put the smut down."
Rolling his eye, Kakashi idly snatched the book out of reach from Gai yet again, "Gai is also ignoring our hijinks back in the day, just for the sake of being right in the moment."
Hijinks?
Asuma looked at the two with a look of interest, "Oh, probably that weird obsession you two have of competing with each other." Asuma said with a chuckle. One could always count on seeing a random bout of rivalry spark in the streets at any given time when it came to those two.
Gai shot up out of his seat, slightly tipsy but still in control enough to beat Kakashi in whatever contest he wanted to try now, "Yosh! What about it, Kakashi?! Wanna make a bet right now?!"
"No." With his stance clear on any type of competition springing off in the bar at the moment, Kakashi used his free hand to snatch Gai back into his seat by his flak vest before he made an ass out of himself, "And for the record Asuma, I don't care about these competitions. That's all Gai here."
"Always trying to be so youthful and cool, eh Kakashi?!"
Jiraiya chuckled at the antics of the two shinobi, enjoying the night. It always felt good to touch base with those from back home and talk. He brought his cup up to take another sip of his drink, "From what I've heard from various sources, it's not always competition with you two…" He trailed off with a smirk, noticing the slightest twitch of Kakashi's eye, "Yup, you two and your… hijinks were very popular in certain circles."
It took Gai a second, but sooner or later it came to him, and the amount of manly aura that began wafting off of him was palpable enough to make Asuma wonder just what the fuck was going on with these hijinks. After he took another sip from his cup, he took a tug on his cig, "Okay, I'll bite. What are these hijinks?"
And why did he get a feeling in his gut, a feeling that wasn't too pleasant?
Gai was already in a manly pose in his seat, legs crossed and arms resting comfortably on the back of the couch he and Kakashi shared. The shit-eating grin on his face, the fire in his eyes…
Kakashi sighed wistfully, "Nope, those days were competitions too." While being as dry and laid back as he usually was, he still somehow managed to convey the same bravado and pride Gai always exuded when he began to mimic him, "Kakashi, I bet I can please a woman better than you! Kakashi, I bet I can seduce more women than you in this village! Kakashi, Kakashi, Kakashi!" Getting laughs and snickers from Asuma and Jiraiya, Kakashi shook his head in good humor, "And I won a majority of those." He said in a sing-song manner.
Kakashi was correct, but he was leaving out certain parts, and Gai wasn't having that, "But the team efforts, Kakashi? When we tag-teamed the ladies of the morning, afternoon, evening, and night?"
Wait, what? After hearing some shit like that, Asuma had to take a gulp, because a sip wasn't enough to handle a info drop of that caliber.
"Oh, how could I forget?" Whimsical as he always sounded, Kakashi flipped a page as he filled in the missing pieces, "The legendary White Fang and Green Beast combo."
Asuma drank some more.
"The Konoha Spitroast, baby! A legendary technique!"
Hearing the word spitroast and associating it with Gai, Asuma spit out a cheek's worth of alcohol, mechanically turning his head towards the guy as though he were a monster in a horror movie.
This next answer may have the potential to haunt Asuma for a while, but he felt like he needed to know.
"... And these were… competitions, you say?"
Kakashi nodded with an eye smile, reminiscing on those fun times, "Yup!" He responded with a pop.
"Yes!" The manliest man hidden in the leaves, Might Gai, responded, the eye contact he shared with Asuma making the Sarutobi feel like Gai was staring into his soul.
"Who could stroke her better… who could use their hands better… oh, to be young again."
That feeling in Asuma's stomach… whew boy, that shit was getting intense.
"...And who was t-the winner?"
This time Kakashi didn't even try to snatch him off of the table.
Gai damn near teleported onto the table and struck the manliest pose he could think of, flashing that trademark smile and thrusting his hips in the air with vigor, "ME!"
What the entire fuck?!
That's a thing?!
Motherfucker!
Asuma's cigarette fell off of his lip.
His hands were slightly jittery as he retrieved two more cigarettes out of his vest pocket, placing both in his mouth and lighting them.
He took a drag strong enough to whittle them down to the halfway mark, poured himself another shot and downed it in one go, then got up and excused himself, "I'll be back… I need some fresh air."
"Gai, you scared Asuma away with your hips. Tsk tsk."
Wiping away tears from his cheeks, Jiraiya laughed so hard he almost fell out of his seat. His laughter was interrupted by a pretty lady putting her hand on his shoulder and gesturing for them to leave, "Can I talk to you about snakes?"
Jiraiya knew a henge when he saw one, and knew that this lady's fingers were a bit hard for such a beautiful woman.
So he and the lady left the bar and disappeared to somewhere secluded, all so that Naruto could spill the beans.
Still on the couch in the bar, Kakashi took another sip of his drink without letting anyone see his face.
"Kakashi! Those were the days!" Gai said to his friend as he stepped off the table.
Nodding in agreement, Kakashi finally closed his book, "Agreed." The two men shared a look, and when two people spent so much time around each other and got a feel for how the other thought, they were bound to share a bit of telepathy.
"Anko?"
"Anko."
Both nodded in agreement, then left to go find her and spend the rest of the night reliving those glory days.
X.X.X
Hi guys, I'm still alive.
Not even gonna bother with an apology, just had to go get my creative mojo back like Austin Powers.
Gai is now a source of insecurity in Asuma's head, the Kage are a lot more playful than one would believe, and Tuesday the kids get to kill each other!
Remember when I said don't take this story too seriously? Yeah, heed that warning.
Anyways, I'll be back with another chapter without taking a long ass hiatus again.
Take care and don't let your lover get spit roasted by Gai. You might become a chain smoker.
Read and review kids. Til next time, SPVNK out!