Astra Blishwick – twenty-four

Augustin tapped his desk repetitively for a few minutes before he cleared his throat and addressed Astra in a tone that she would have mistaken for formal, had she not known what he was going to talk about.

"You are an incredibly talented witch, Astra, and a credit to Hogwarts School and to Slytherin House. You are smart and witty but also kind and loving. You are a wonderful person and I enjoy your company immensely." He said, monitoring his tone carefully.

Astra raised a brow, unsure what the appropriate response was.

She decided to go with, "Have you been drinking?"

Augustin muffled a snort and shook his head, "No." he reassured her, "But this is what I mean. You're funny and caring. And I'm beginning to see you as a woman, Astra, and it's scary because I don't want you to become a woman who is limited because of her gender. And we both know that that is likely to happen amongst our circles."

"Amongst purebloods you mean." Astra clarified. Augustin nodded in agreement.

"I'm finding myself increasingly frustrated by the fact that I know you are going to run into barriers, and I can't prevent that. You should be free to pursue a man you find attractive but currently you can't. You should be able to feel the way Miss Frey does about her fiancée but you can't. You will either find yourself trapped in the claws of my repulsive brother or tossed alone into the world. And it makes me angry to think of it." And he looked angry. Astra was grateful that his angry words were not directed at her because his eyes looked murderous.

"Kendra." She said, quietly, "Her name is Kendra, not Miss Frey. We are talking as friends, Aug." she reminded him gently.

There was a pregnant pause then, as Augustin's words of truth sunk in. Astra felt a mixture of feelings. She was angry too, on behalf of her awful situation, and anxious at the prospect of facing either of the two paths Augustin had laid out for her. She did not want to marry Constantin; of this she was absolutely certain. But she also did not want to face the world alone. And it would be alone, if she refused the proposal, because her family and all other purebloods would disassociate from her.

Then she felt jealous. Jealous of Kendra and the fact that she could marry Percival simply because she wanted to, because she loved him and that was fine. And her family would still love and accept her even after she became Mrs Dumbledore.

She was jealous of Iola, and the fact that she had found a family outside of her biological one. That she had fallen in love and shared her heart with another. That they had a baby on the way and the prospect of a new, happy life together.

And then she felt guilty. Guilty because Kendra was poor and her family living in near poverty. And Iola was previously unloved and would not be accepted by her family for who she was. And Astra was none of those things and yet….she envied them.

"Am I terrible person for hating my life? Even though it isn't a bad life, not in the least?" Astra murmured.

"I think only a fool is completely satisfied with their life, no matter who they are." Augustin said thoughtfully, offering her an encouraging smile, "But you are at a significant disadvantage, Astra, in that you seem determined to face life alone."

Astra frowned, "What?" she asked, "I'm not determined. I don't want to be alone forever. I have friends whom I love-"

"Who are finding partners and getting engaged." Augustin interjected, splaying his hands on the desk.

Astra could feel herself getting frustrated; he was being so confusing. He'd started out telling her how wonderful she was and how unfortunate it was that her life was doomed to be limited and now it appeared to be her own fault because she hadn't fallen in love.

"You think I'm going to end up alone and desolate because I haven't what-? Given in to love? You think I go around falling in love and just refusing offers of matrimony as if they grow on trees!? Why would I do that, Aug? What on earth would be the point of that?" She demanded, balling her own hands into fists.

"Forgive me, Astra, I fumbled what I meant to say. I just meant to say that it is surprising to me that, given your apparent decision to reject my brother, something I am fully supportive of, you seem to have made no plans for the consequences of this situation."

Astra bit her lip to stop herself screaming at him and took a deep breath, "You told me I could live at the safe place you have."

Augustin nodded, "You still can. But I would have thought that you would have searched for something- someone to take on the role Constantin would have filled."

Astra lurched to her feet, her chair skidding backwards, and kicked the desk forcefully. Augustin leaned back in shock and she snarled at him, her face contorted in rage.

"How dare you!?" she shouted, "How dare you suggest that I need a husband! How dare you tell me that I am not good enough alone, that I cannot thrive without one. How dare you, when you sit here in front of me, a bachelor yourself and perfectly happy with your life, suggest that I could never be happy as I am. How dare you tell me that I shouldn't be limited by my gender and then say I have to marry to have a worthwhile life!"

Though he looked visibly terrified, Augustin fought back valiantly, "I'm not telling you these things because I don't think you are capable, Astra. I'm telling you because the world will not think you capable. The pureblood world-"

"The pureblood world will never change, so long as people like you give in to it Augustin Prince! Of all people I thought you believed in me, Aug but, clearly, I was wrong. Apparently, in your eyes, I'm just an unlovable, foolish, child who doesn't realise that she isn't capable enough to manage without a big strong man to tell her what to do!" Astra snapped each word at him and found she had tears in her eyes by the end of her speech. She turned on her heel, not waiting for his response, and left the room. She did not want him to see her crying again. She was worried now that it would only reinforce his apparent opinion of her as a weak child.

He didn't call after her, didn't chase her down the corridor and apologise. Astra briefly wondered whether he would withdraw all his offers to help her. Whether she would have to tell Iola that she couldn't get any more potion for her. Whether she would end up homeless after Christmas. Whether she would never hear about Eily again.

Iola's snores greeted her as she collapsed onto her bed. Not even bothering to change, Astra closed her eyes and curled up tightly under the covers wondering why she had never fallen in love, because, of all the things Augustin had said to her, that had struck her the hardest.

She didn't even care that nobody had ever fallen in love with her. What scared her most was the thought that she had never felt that way for anyone. What if she was incapable of falling in love? What if she just couldn't love? What if she was a cold-hearted bitch like Aisling Rosier, who was only in a relationship because it benefitted her social status? What if she never fell in love? What if that was the reason she might eventually die alone?

Maybe you should've been a Ravenclaw. Her brain thought. Astra snorted and rolled over, shoving her face into the pillow.

-AB-

Much to Astra's chagrin, Kendra spent the next few days bugging her Slytherin friend about Augustin Prince.

She kept nudging Astra whenever Prince was around and wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. Astra had tried her best to ignore this, but it was difficult.

One potions lesson, Kendra had deliberately begun to enquire of Augustin what, exactly, one needed to do in order to become a potions apprentice.

"So, we'd have to work closely with you, sir?" Kendra asked, staring up at Prince innocently.

Augustin wrinkled his nose at the Gryffindor and snapped, "Yes. Obviously."

Astra glared at her friend but to no avail.

"And that would be quite friendly, wouldn't it, sir?" Kendra pushed on. It was bold, even for her. Kendra would never normally talk to a member of staff this way.

"Miss Frey, please enlighten me as to why I am being tortured with your increasingly inappropriate questions." Augustin sneered at her from the front desk.

"Oh, it's only because Astra seemed really interested in you." Kendra said, sounding sweet and simply curious, "Oops!" she cried, lifting a hand to her mouth, "I mean, interested in apprenticing under you."

At this, Guy Avery choked on air next to Astra, who had gone flush red.

"Really, Blishwick? You're really interested in being under Professor Prince? And with his own brother being so devoted to you? What a loose little Slytherin you must be." Avery grinned nastily at the blonde, earning sniggers from around the dungeon classroom.

Kendra seemed a little put out at this. Apparently, she had not meant for the teasing to take that sort of a turn.

Astra faintly heard Augustin tell Avery off for "inappropriate insinuations", but she had already begun picking up her bag and making her way to the door.

"Miss Blishwick, where on earth do you think you're going?" Augustin's voice carried over her shoulder.

Astra turned back to him and the rest of the classroom, her clenched fists shaking, knowing that her entire face and neck had gone bright beet, "Anywhere, so long as it's away from you, Professor!" she choked out, sending him a furious look of contempt and then vanishing from the classroom.

The rest of Astra's week did not go much better. On Saturday, Elias led his enthusiastic team of Hufflepuffs to a stunning victory in the Quidditch match, eliciting more excitement than Astra had ever seen in her life as Venusia and Elias raced neck and neck for the snitch, with Elias eventually snatching it out of the air, only to have Venusia dive into him at the same moment. The two had ended up rolling along the ground, tightly wound up together in a bundle of yellow and blue robes. When they finally came to a stop, Elias, who had ended up underneath Venusia, held up his hand, showing the snitch to the stadium, which had promptly erupted in cheers. Venusia, who had never been a sore loser, had beamed down at the Hufflepuff captain and then captured his lips with hers in tidal wave of applause.

Astra, who had only been reminded of her fight with Augustin at the sight of a thoroughly joyous new couple, had snuck away to hide in the library as the celebrations began. She knew that both Venusia and Elias would be upset with her for not being around but Astra had, once again, reached the point where she did not care. She hadn't been into Augustin's private stores since their argument, so she didn't know yet whether he was going to stop providing her with access to Gestation Numbing Potion.

Added to this, rumours, undoubtedly started by Guy Avery and his cohort, had begun to fly around the school concerning Astra and Augustin.

"They do know each other outside of Hogwarts." She had heard a Ravenclaw third year whispering to his friends, "So it's not impossible that they've got something going on."

His companions all seemed to be both shocked and intrigued. Their theories started to run wild; one of them suggesting that Augustin had kidnapped Astra, put her under the imperius curse and that she was, only now, beginning to break it.

A ridiculous theory, Astra knew, given that she had been put under that exact curse in Defence Against the Dark Arts, and had actively demonstrated an ability to fight it off.

However, it was now becoming abundantly clear to Astra that, out of all of her friends at Hogwarts, she alone was single, unwanted and disgustingly angry about that fact. It wasn't even that she desperately wanted someone to love. No, the main worry that was now constantly at the forefront of Astra's mind was that she couldn't love. And, somehow, that was still scarier.