be me... a bitc awake at 1 am, staring at the weird reflection that shouldn't be there in my mirror that looks a lot like a cat and not wanting to deal with fey and spirts because bitch i am going to bed in a minute.

Lan Wangji woke that morning to the sound of someone humming sweetly in the other room. Soft and light like edges of sunlight filtering through. He was addled enough that when he curled out from his nest of blankets to move the sleep from his eyes he mistook it briefly for Wei Ying. Mo Xuanyu was sitting curled on the day bed comfortably with a book he'd borrowed from the library recently. His chin resting on his hand as his lips curled into a soft grin.

It's not Wei Ying. It's simply not. Seeing ghosts where there were none only hurts so if he was wise he should stop. Those grey eyes light up as he walked through and the book was set aside, "Hanguang-Jun! You're up, ah, it's morning already I see."

"Did you not sleep?"

"I did. I just happened to wake up earlier." It was rather uncharacteristically early compared to Mo Xuanyu's previous days in Cloud Recesses.

They are far too similar at times for comfort

That's because Your mind is playing tricks

"Will you have some tea with me it should have just finished steeping? It's a lovely morning."

Lan Wangji had thought so many times of all the moments he would like with Wei Ying. Of the life he dreamed they could have together someday. This man is not him- why had he even believed it long enough to bring Mo Xuanyu back to his quarters of all things? Was he that desperate to have him back? That in need of Wei Ying that a mad man does enough he's convinced?

That smile- the way he laughs- summoning Wen Ning? The notes played for a song meant only for them.

You don't catch fish in the sky

He'd be lying if he didn't think despite the crass words and the running away that the company was familiar enough to leave him wanting to actually spend time with them. He sat down and enjoyed the tea as he tried to ignore the red ribbon in Mo Xuanyu's hair and the pain of seeing it on someone else.

Mo Xuanyu is actually open about his being a cut-sleeve I wonder if he's brave or simply just insane?

"Here." The soft clank of the cup being presented without any grace or decorum and that smile. Lan Wangji almost wants to ask him where do you get the courage to be open about such a thing.

Even if many know it's not something talked about in public. More a whisper under the breathes that always- truly always winds up back in his ears. Lan Wangji wonders if he could ever be so bold and shameless without Wei Ying standing there teasing him.

"Lan Zhan, I know I am very pretty, but you should drink before it turns cold." Lan Wangji doesn't acknowledge the accusation even it is true.

The tea was a lovely blend though he wasn't sure where it came from some element of the taste was very strong- bitter but addicting. So he asked for more and made no note that Mo Xuanyu never had more than his first cup.

"You really enjoyed this blend."

"It was very good."

That smile and those eyes, "I'm glad. As for what we talked about last night I feel such suspicions should be kept between us."

Yes, that made sense. They weren't sure who was responsible but as much as the thought curled in his stomach he couldn't deny the sense of dread that his brother might be involved. That his family- no, it must be someone else. Lan Xichen would never hurt his sect so cruelly and Uncle for all his strictness was kind. There was no way it was them it must be someone else.

A knock comes at the door, "Hanguang-Jun, I brought your breakfast." The tray only had two servings on it and a part of Lan Wangji lamented that Lan Sizhui would not be joining. It was sad that the older his son got the less they ate together or even spoke.

It would be the older ones he said. A-Yuan…

"Ah, Sizhui you should join us." Mo Xuanyu says without a thought.

"No, I couldn't. Besides, I didn't bring a serving," Lan Sizhui says trying to get away only for Mo Xuanyu to latch on and whine over and over again.

"Then get one and we can all eat together! It will be fun eating with you and not just Hanguang-Jun."

Lan Wangji kept his normally impassive face even more stringent as Lan Sizhui looked at him for a way out. "Fine."

No matter how many times Mo Xuanyu was shushed he would talk throughout the meal and laugh. There was no decorum and Lan Sizhui looked ashamed at this at times until Mo Xuanyu would say something that forced a stiff giggle. It was pleasant. Warm.

I shouldn't be letting a stranger take me in with familiar gestures and smiles

He shouldn't. Lan Wangji's heart is not something so fickle as to break after all these years for a facsimile of his love. "Mmm, Hanguang-Jun you keep staring off? Sizhui is my beauty too much now that my face is clear? Perhaps I need more rouge and powders."

"Ridiculous."

If asked what Lan Xichen thought of his parents, the answer was both complicated and very simple. He loved them as any child could. As any son would love and adore the parents that gave birth to them. Lan Xichen had loved his mother and his father. He did.

But also he resented them. He resented them because relationships even full of love are muddy and complicated and no matter how much he loved and respected them- saw them as people worth those terms- at the end of the day they left them. His parents left them to die in their own grief.

They left to spend the rest of their lives as unthinking peaceful rabbits that never needed to worry. Never needed fear. Never needed to grieve or to think about what they left in ruins when they left their sons behind.

His mother- Lan Xichen understood why it was with his mother. What woman wouldn't go insane locked away from her children with nothing but her own grief and a husband that saw her less than her own children? What person could stand to be that alone and empty waiting for death that was long for a cultivator such as herself? When he'd been a child it broke his heart but as an adult he understood.

He understood. Even though it left them so alone with only Uncle as family. Their father had been alive yes, but if Lan Xichen was honest his meetings with the man were so few and scattered he barely remembered his face. When he thought of the word father Lan Xichen thought of Lan Qiren who raised them both with strictness and care.

He thought of the person who actually took care of things and was there his whole life. Who explained what growing up meant and how to be a good person. Qingheng-Jun was his father but that didn't mean he did much for them personally.

But he did love Qingheng-Jun. Lan Xichen did love him and the times they met and talked were warm and full of love even if never once did they meet altogether as a family. Even if his father lived locked away in seclusion never stepping out.

Qingheng-Jun though changed all the same and much like with his mother the process had been long and slow. Painful and humiliating.

When Lan Xichen was still too young to properly understand Mother had pulled him into a hug and explained to him that Mother was going to be changing. That she may not look the same but she loves him and she cares for him.

"No matter what I become you will always be my son." Lan Zhan had only been a year-old at that point.

It was slow her change. It lasted years longer than he thinks even she expected and it curled in his stomach to see her act like an animal more and more and the way she'd nuzzle Lan Zhan. The way she lured Lan Zhan into embraces and habits like the animal she was becoming.

It hurt and the idea that Lan Zhan who would follow mother anywhere- who was too young to understand why Mother looked the way she did- was being dragged under her influence scared him. It scared him because he hurt all the whispers. He knew all the whispers and gossip that certainly does not exist about her state and the wretchedness of his mother.

When it did reach that horrid state where she could no longer speak, where her limbs no longer supported her, and her eyes bulged and her breath heaved he made sure Lan Zhan never entered that space. He made sure that he never saw Mother because his brother should never have to see that. His brother… should believe that she just died.

That didn't happen of course, but Lan Xichen swore he would keep as much of the pain from Lan Zhan as he could.

"Why… if it was going to be that long and painful didn't you just turn her at the first signs? Why did you let Mother suffer? She was in pain and you just let her die alone in that house!"

Uncle had pulled him and hugged him. Told him he was not to cry, "She wanted to spend as much time with you both as she could."

She loved them enough to suffer through that for five years but in the end, she did still leave. She still went to the Warren. It wasn't his place to judge though so he said nothing. He didn't point her out in the field of Rabbits to Lan Zhan because if he knew it would simply hurt.

Mother had very bright eyes

When they were taught the procedure he said nothing of the rabbit in Lan Zhan's hands.

What do I say? Lan Wangji that one was once Mother?

It was just an animal. Even as he kept his face calm and kind he hid how much it hurt to see Lan Zhan hesitate with the knife. As the heir, he needed to instruct people on the process and he needed to remove the fear in them because otherwise the method is lost. Otherwise, he is failing tradition and the empty lives hidden away in here are just that.

Empty.

And if Lan Xichen tells him then Lan Zhan will never forgive himself. "Our mother is gone Lan Zhan. Even if there is a Rabbit in that field that once was her it's just a rabbit. It will never love and care for you like a person. It will never remember you."

And it's true. He knows it's true because since the first day she entered the Warren to this very moment she has never paid him mind. She has never shown a sign she remembered or cared.

This is so he can live without pain. This is so Lan Zhan doesn't have to live with it weighing on him and destroying him.

Father was already changing by this point. Slower than Mother but changing all the same. Lan Xichen had decided that if guilt and ill actions caused people to turn into animals than he would do everything to keep his brother from falling down that same path. From leaving him for the Warren like Mother and Father.

He and Uncle made sure that when Lan Zhan learned of Qingheng-Jun's death that the funeral had already occurred. Lan Qiren had assured him that Lan Zhan never saw the signs and deformities. That in their unanimous agreement they decided his 'death' would be after the Wen Attack as simply trying to defend his home had spurred the transformation enough that his legs were broken and unmoving.

His body starting to coat in fur and his teeth turning buck-toothed.

They did a lot to contain the pain. To stop this curse that plagued his family as they all became animals. Lan Xichen had lost so many family and friends to it. But then… then Wei Wuxian happened.

Then that madman came in and twisted his brother and he never said anything of the rough leather patch of white skin on his back. He never said what he really thought. That when overheard those rough notes as Lan Zhan composed on Mother's porch that his blood boiled.

Because Wei Wuxian was a reckless idiot that ignored and trampled feelings without realizing it. Who said such crass things that hurt his brother. Lan Xichen could see it in those eye's how sicky in love Lan Zhan was. How if more people could actually read that stone face they'd realize Lan Zhan was redder than a blushing maiden.

If there was ever a mistake Lan Xichen had made it was letting them become so close because it meant he watched as that patch on his brother's back spread. He watched and the first inkling of those stripes appeared and covered for him. Did everything he could so that nobody would notice that Lan Zhan was changing and from the way his brother lived neither did he.

Jiang Wanyin when they had met during the Sunshot Campaign had been feral. Inhuman and showing it- far different than his still composed brother. Far better because his brother was not meant to be an animal and as cruel as it is to say he feels that the description truly fits the man. That Jiang Wanyin was a wolf who'd been born in the wrong skin and there was nothing wrong with it. Nothing at all.

But Lan Zhan was not that. He would not allow it. He'd figure out a way to slow it and stop it without his brother knowing. That had been Lan Xichen's plan but as always Wei Wuxian happened.

The attack on Nightless City happened and Lan Zhan much like Father chose his love. Chose to guard over a man that had even forced him away after everything from a distance. Chose to hurt his elder's even knowing better.

The sad truth of that was the only reason his brother was still alive was because his back was already covered in stripes. That Mother had suffered the way that she had. That father lasted as long as he did…

In the end, everything Lan Xichen had tried to do failed to stop it though. Instead, he would have to watch his brother turn into a baihu unable to do anything to change that course. He tried- of course he did! This was his brother.

This was his family.

This was one of the few people he had left… He tried to change him into a Rabbit. See if this could somehow counteract the change in place but no matter how many times he tried Lan Zhan's form never flinched. If Lan Xichen felt his brother's core he could feel something lingering- a fragment of energy from somewhere.

When he discussed it with Meng Yao his face turned understandably grim. "It's no wonder. The problem here Is that Wei Wuxian's spell from that night is still there and unless he's willing to let the spell go it won't leave. He will stay spiritually marked as Yiling Patriarch's property."

"What would releasing entail?"

"The way we fixed it was removing all connection with the Yiling Patriarch down to any minor memories but again it has to be willing. It doesn't work otherwise."

"Then Wangji is lost." Because nothing would ever make him give up Wei Wuxian. Even as it was killing him. Even as Lan Zhan was going to leave behind his son just like their parents and set them in the hands of their uncle. Even if it meant losing his humanity.

The number of Rabbits over the years had increased but also had the rate that cultivators turned to the point that Lan Xichen never wanted to look at another bottle again. But he did admit, it was a boon for the projects that they working on together to help improve lives for ordinary citizens not near large sects and unable to get certain resources. In that regard it helped make medicine bottles they could place in watchtowers that could be distributed to civilians.

All the same…

I'm surrounded by animals

"I will never leave you Lan Huan. Never. This is another vow I swear to you not just as your sworn brother but as someone would do anything to help you."

"I will not ask for the impossible. I am just tired of the loss and of waiting for it to come."

Meng Yao's skin ran naturally cool and with how much the stress burned in Lan Xichen when he set a kind hand in reassurance it was more than welcome.

Of course, seeing him bring home company made him wonder. Made Lan Xichen dread in his heart but also hope somehow is brother had chosen with the last of his time to move on. But then there was his other fear.

When Lan Wangji came into help Lan Qiren deal with the malevolent arm and properly call in the spirit behind it he didn't notice the quizzical looks and he paid no mind when it was pointed out that his pallor was better than it had been in years. After all his arms where still star white and covered aside for the palms. His palms had been turning dark for a while now and really there wasn't much else to think on that.

But he did note the skill as Mo Xuanyu burst in when the arm turned out to be stronger than anticipated. Far more volatile than it had any right with a spirit that had been severed from the looks of it. But they had a direction and also he wanted to look closer at the other sects where he noted a similar trend.

"So Lan Wangji, we'll be on an adventure together. How exciting!"

Yes… he supposed that was true but for Lan Wangji he had a very clear goal in mind. If what was suspected was true- if Lan Yuan truly never needed to revert, then he'd do anything for that. Lan Wangji had accepted his fate but his son deserved to be human.

It's what he wants for him. It's what Wei Ying wanted for him.

..my entire logic for this chapter was fuck what do i do for plot and then was like... lan xichen hasn't been emotionally broken yet. let's just fuck up this passive boy's life