Chapter Twenty-One: I Don't Wanna Lose Control

Bella's POV

I sat in my car for twenty minutes contemplating going upstairs or just going home. I didn't even really understand why I was here but I did understand that I didn't want to be alone. Brady was with my mother, Jasper and Alice were probably asleep with Nathan, and none of my other friends seemed like good options.

I eventually got out of the car and went up the steps to be buzzed in. I found his apartment number and pressed the doorbell.

"Hello?" Jake asked and he sounded tired. I looked at my phone and saw it was close to eleven and he'd had a business dinner that night. He was probably in bed and I felt like a jerk for waking him up. "Hello?"

"Jake..."

"Bella?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean t wake you up."

"You didn't," He assured me. "You okay?

I took a deep breath. "Can I come up?"

There was a loud buzzing noise and the main door unlocked. I made my way upstairs and knocked softly on his apartment door. The door swung open and he was wearing on a pair of flannel PJ pants and no shirt.

"Hey," He looked confused as he let me inside his apartment. "What's going on?"

I scanned the apartment and stopped on a picture of Jake and Brady at Christmas time last year. How was I going to tell Brady Edward and I weren't together anymore? Brady understood that Edward was never going to replace his dad, but they'd grown close. I didn't want Brady to go through a break up of mine again and I started to cry at the thought of telling him.

"Geez, Bella," Jake took two big steps across the room and pulled me into a tight hug. "Shh, it's okay."

"Edward..." I gasped. "We broke up."

"What?" He asked.

"We...we broke up."

"Why?" He asked and I cried harder. "Did he do something to you?" He suddenly looked very angry.

"Do what?"

He shrugged. "I don't know...try something? Hit you?"

"No!" I exclaimed. "No, nothing...nothing like that."

"Okay," He nodded. "Then what?"

Jake moved us to the couch and sat us both down. "He gave his best man speech and he talked about Rosalie. And I get it and I feel like I've been very understanding about their relationship. But the way he was talking about her was like no one would ever be good enough. No one could ever compare to the great Rosalie."

"I'm sure his emotions were running high."

"But he couldn't deny that, Jake. He couldn't look me in the eyes and tell me that I wasn't just some second-place prize," I explained. "He couldn't tell me that I had a place with him. A real place with him."

"Bella, I've seen him with you. He's annoyingly in love with you."

"I can't just be second place, Jake."

"You would be the second wife..."

I sighed. "All I'm asking for is to be her equal. And I don't think I could ever be her equal. I told him he needs to think about what he wants."

"I think you're being kind of stupid."

"Excuse me?"

"He's crazy about you, Bella. I don't think he did this to hurt you."

"You weren't there, Jacob. You didn't feel the emotion in his voice or see him avoid the questions I was asking."

He nodded. "I guess you're right."

"I just thought..." I trailed off. "I thought that we were in this for the long haul. I thought he was...the one."

"I'm sorry," He whispered and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I looked up and met his gaze and suddenly felt very guilty for putting this all on him.

"Jake...I'm sorry. I shouldn't be talking to you about this."

"Hey, we're friends," He smiled. "We were friends before we started dating and we're friends now. And it's not like I haven't dated since the divorce."

"So you're over me?" I teased and nudged him with my shoulder.

"I'll always love you, Bella Swan."

"Same," My eyes filled with tears again and he pulled me close. I cried for a few minutes before my eyes seemed to run dry.

Once I stopped crying, Jake stood up and went to the kitchen. He returned with a bottle of tequila, two shot glasses, some salt, and a few limes. He set everything down on the coffee table and poured two shots.

I stared at him. "I haven't done tequila shots since I got pregnant."

"Really?"

"Haven't had much time with our son running around," I laughed as he handed me a shot and the salt.

"Come on. Brady is with your mom. Live a little."

"This is a bad idea," I sighed as I licked my hand and sprinkled some salt. I picked up a shot and a lime and smiled at him. "But...what the hell."

"You only live once, right?" He laughed as we cheered. Tequilla shots tasted much different after ten years and my body shook a little bit. "Bad?"

"I suddenly feel like a freshman in college again," I laughed as I poured another shot.

"More?" He asked.

I shrugged. "We're kid-free, right?"

"One more," He said seriously.

An hour later, we were out of limes and laughing loudly.

"Do you...remember..." I couldn't even get a thought out I was laughing so hard. "Our first attempted kiss?"

Jake erupted into laughter. "Oh no! The disastrous seven minutes in heaven with everyone listening in the other room?"

"Why did you do that again?" I asked, unsure if it was the alcohol preventing me from remembering the details or just the fact that it was so long ago.

He looked thoughtful for a second. "Jessica made this weird drinking game and a few of those weird girls from your hall were trying to match us up."

"Oh yeah!" I exclaimed. "Jessica and Lauren were obsessed with us. And then they totally deserted me when I got pregnant."

"Fuck 'em!" He said as he took a drink right from the tequila bottle. "Our first real kiss was...much better."

My breath hitched remembering that night. It was a week after the party and things had been kind of awkward. We weren't sure how to be around each other anymore. We had our gen ed math class that we both desperately needed to pass. Math had never been my strong point in school and Jake offered to help me study long before that party.

He was too nice to go back on his word.

He walked me back to my dorm since it was midnight by the time we were done studying. Once we got to the main door of the building, he grabbed my hand and pulled me close to him. Then he gently touched my cheek and kissed me.

It was my first great kiss.

"It...yeah that was a great kiss," I bit my lip as he scooted closer to me on the couch. "You were always a really good kisser."

He smirked. "You weren't half bad yourself," He touched my cheek and I heard the alarm bells going off in my head.

But I was drunk and sad and I didn't really care at that moment.

"We can...try again."

"Yeah?" He was so close our lips were nearly touching.

"See if it's as good as we remember," I whispered. He brushed his lips against mine and I was suddenly eighteen years old again and I pulled him closer to me. He put his hands on my upper thighs and I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me.

He pulled back breathlessly and I thought he was about to stop but he just stood up and dragged me back to his bedroom. He pushed me down onto the bed and the started kissing my jaw and then my neck.

"Jake," I sighed as I felt my eyes getting tired.

I wanted to get into it but my body was telling me to sleep.

"Bells?" Jake sounded very distant as I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

The next morning was unusually sunny for a November day. I woke up being blinded by the light and was suddenly very confused as to where I was. This definitely wasn't my bedroom or the hotel room I was supposed to stay in. It seemed kind of familiar but I couldn't put my finger on where I was exactly.

When I heard a knock at the door I suddenly remembered driving to Jake's and tequila.

A lot of tequila.

"Hey," Jake said cautiously as he popped his head in the door. He was already showered and dressed for the day. I sat up and wondered where I'd gotten the grey t-shirt I was wearing.

"Hi," I groaned as I felt the massive headache. Jake came over and handed me a big glass of water along with some Ibuprophen. I took the medicine and drank the entire glass of water before looking at him again. "I remember why I haven't done tequila shots since before Brady was born."

"Sorry about that," He sighed. "I did not intend for us to drink that much."

"What did you intend?" I glared at him but couldn't totally hide my smile.

He shrugged. "I just wanted you to not be hurting anymore."

"And tequila was the answer?"

"I drank a lot of tequila when..." He looked away. "When we signed the divorce papers."

"Did it work?"

"No," He said sadly. "But I should have cut you off. I know you aren't much of a drinker."

"Not anymore," I smiled. "It was fun, though," I admitted. "And it did help it...not to hurt..." I felt myself welling up at the thought of my breakup with Edward. The drinking numbed the pain but not enough. I still felt like there was a giant hole in my chest and I shouldn't have made out with Jake like that.

It was so selfish.

"I'm sorry about last night," I whispered. "I should have never let you kiss me like that."

"It's okay, Bella. I'm a big boy," He said. "If I didn't think I could handle it I wouldn't have let it happen either."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Where did this t-shirt come from?"

He smiled. "I figured you wouldn't want to sleep in your fancy dress, so after you passed out I took it off you and put you in one of my shirts."

"Oh,"

"Don't worry, I was very respectful."

"Yeah?"

"I tried very hard not to look."

I giggled. "Thanks. I appreciate that."

"You want some breakfast?" He asked and I look at the clock. I told mom I would pick Brady up at eleven and it was only nine. We had plenty of time.

I took some time to shower and brush my teeth while Jake made us something to eat. I hated putting that dress back on because it felt like a walk of shame even though we didn't do anything. But I had left my overnight bag in the car and didn't want to bother Jake with anything else.

We had a pleasant breakfast together and he told me repeatedly to not worry about anything. He reminded me we were friends and even though we weren't in love any more we had a child together and we were bonded for life. We had both grown a lot the last year and mistakes were bound to happen.

When I left his house, I stopped at home to change my clothes before picking Brady up. I didn't want to face him or my mother and tell them about the breakup, but it needed to happen.

I let myself in with my key and they were sitting in the living room, watching a cartoon. I took a deep breath to compose myself before making my presence known.

"Mom!" Brady jumped up and hugged me. It warmed my heart that no matter how long we spent apart he got excited to see me. I nearly broke down into tears when he hugged me and I had to pull myself together.

"How was the wedding?"Mom asked and I bit my lip to keep from crying. She noticed immediately. "Brady, go collect your things."

"Okay!" He smiled and raced upstairs.

"What's going on?"

I took a deep breath. "We broke up."

"Who broke up?"

"Edward and I," I rolled my eyes.

"When?"

"At the wedding, mom. When do you think?"

"Well...what happened?"

I was just about to tell her when Brady came back downstairs. I gave her the look that I would tell her later because I needed to talk to my son first. Brady and I said goodbye to mom and headed home.

I wondered when a good time to tell him was.

When we got home he told me he was hungry so I busied myself with making lunch. He brought his math practice down so he could sit at the table while I cooked. By the time he was finished with his math, lunch was ready.

We were halfway done eating when I knew it was time to tell him.

"Hey, Brady?"

"Yeah?" He looked up at me with those beautiful eyes and I really didn't want to hurt him again.

"Honey..." I whispered. "Brady, Edward and I have decided not to see each other anymore?"

"Huh?" He asked.

"We broke up."

He bit his lip and looked up at me sadly. "Like you and dad?"

"Kind of...yeah."

"Why?" He asked. "You said you loved him."

"Sweetie, this is...complicated," I said and felt like an idiot for using that line. "We just need some time apart."

"Will you get back together?" He asked eagerly.

"I don't know," This is what I got for falling in love with his best friend's dad.

"Oh,"

I pulled him into a tight hug. "This does not affect your relationship with Edward or your friendship with Caroline."

"Really?"

"Of course," I assured him. "You and Caroline were friends first and you both come first. And your piano lessons will not be changed or anything. I know how much you like him as a teacher."

"He's the best."

He nodded but he looked so hurt. It broke my heart.

"Are you okay?" A tear slid down my cheek. I had the most thoughtful and caring son in the world and I couldn't imagine how I'd gotten so lucky.

"Yeah, baby. I'm fine."

"You're crying," He pointed out.

Why was my ten year old so observant?

I nodded. "I'm sad, but I'm okay."

"I love you mom," He gave me a squeeze and it was really hard not to just start sobbing."

"I love you too," I choked out.

Mom called about a few hours after we finished lunch and while Brady was occupied with the piano, I went into my room to tell her what happened. I was a mess when I was finished and she was speechless.

There were very few times in my life I remember my mother being completely speechless. Once when my dad tried to reconnect with Jasper and I. The day I told her I was pregnant. The day I told her Jake and I were splitting up and now.

I didn't like making her speechless.

"You did the right thing," She eventually said. "You can't live in her shadow like that for the rest of your lives."

I nodded. "It doesn't make it any easier."

"No, you're right," She agreed. "How's Brady?"

"He's upset but he's being brave for me."

"How did you get so lucky?"

I laughed. "No idea."

"He might come around, Bella," Mom tried to comfort me when I heard the door ring. I stood up and headed downstairs.

"I don't know if he will," I admitted. "I want him to but...I'm not sure."

I swung the door open and my mouth dropped when I saw Caroline standing there with her bike helmet on. Her cheeks were red and her eyes were swollen like she'd been crying.

"Caroline..."

"Hi, Bella," She whispered and lunged herself at me. She hugged me so tight it was hard to breathe and I told mom I'd call her back.

"Honey, do your dad know you're here?" Our house wasn't exactly close to their apartment and I knew she wasn't allowed to just ride her bike anywhere she wanted to.

She shook her head. "I ran away."

"You what?" I asked as I let her come inside and set her helmet on the floor.

"I ran away."

"Oh..." I sighed as Brady came downstairs. Jake was letting me keep Brady tonight since I clearly needed him and would get him from school tomorrow.

"Care! What are you doing here?"

"Brady, please go upstairs."

"Mom!" He wined but I gave him the mom look and he backed down and did as I asked. I brought Caroline into the living room and sat down with her.

"Now, Caroline, why did you run away?"

"You and daddy broke up," She whispered. "And he lied to me."

"About what?"

"How he was going to make us a family one day," She said. "And I didn't want to be with him if he was going to take us away from you."

"Sweetheart, you and I are always going to be friends."

"Really?"

"Of course!" I smiled and gave her a tight hug. "Care, I love you very much and our relationship is very separate from my relationship with your dad."

"He still lied to me."

I nodded. "I understand that must have hurt and I'm sorry that you feel betrayed."

"He told me never to lie."

"It's a good lesson," I said as I stroked her hair. "But...sometimes grownups say things without completely thinking them through."

"What?"

"Grownups are humans and we make mistakes, Caroline. I know your dad didn't want to hurt you," I told her. "It's the last thing he ever wanted to do."

She nodded. "I wanted things to be different. I wanted you to be my mom."

"I would have liked that too," I told her honestly. "But we're always pals, Care. Understand?"

"Yeah," She nodded and gave me another big hug. Then she looked up at me with a scared look in her eyes. "I guess you're going to call my dad now?"

"I have to," I said. "It's in the Parent Handbook."

"The what?"

"The handbook they give to mom's and dad's when they have a baby," I laughed and reached for my phone.

"Bella?"

"Yes?" I asked as I dialed Edward's number.

"I still love my dad. I'm just mad."

"I know, honey. I know."

"Hello? Bella?" He sounded so frantic. "I was just about to call you."

"Caroline's here. She's safe with me."