AN: Some past-Tim stuff. Warning: References to past self-harming (skip the italics in order to not read it). If you are suffering, please remember that there are suicide prevention lifelines as well as help from lots of specialists around the internet and outside too. Please, stay safe xxx
'I'll be fine. Ha. What a lie!' Tim's subconscious hovered.
Three years ago, he had told Bruce that he would be fine and when getting to the manor again, he had told Alfred that he had been eating well. It hadn't been the truth, for a long time. Actually, it had taken him a year and more than half of the next to recover about all that had happened in Gotham. Now he was back in Gotham and, even if he had missed a lot of stuff from there, he couldn't bring himself to feel less stressed. And that was added to the thing that he was there to cure Bruce.
The first year out of Gotham had been hell. When he had gotten out of the manor, he hadn't had any idea of where to go. The only possibility that had been in his head had been the Titans Tower and that's where he had headed once he got out of the city. The journey had tired him so much that, when going inside his old room in the Tower, he had collapsed in his bed and slept for the entire day for the first time since he had left Gotham.
When he had woken up, it had been really late. The small group of teammates that had been that first day barely knew him, so he hadn't gotten questions. That was until two days later, Kon, Cassie, Garth, Raven… had appeared. He had barely kept the façade. Barely, because they knew him and there were some things that they could read in his body. He hadn't given in, though. Not at first. He had passed an entire week barely eating something, drinking a lot of coffee and spending many hours in the bathroom, bleeding… Before patching himself up, of course. Then… Kon had gotten tired of it. He had screamed at him, had scolded him for doing that … The conversation had escalated so much that Tim had exploded and said everything that had been in his mind in all his years: The pain, the sorrow, the expectations, his fears, the harassment in the manor… Until he had had to stop to breathe.
Of course, after admitting that, they had tried to get him better, cheer him up… Until Tim had been able to recall how to pretend in a good way so they could let him out. And when he had succeeded in that, he went to Blüdhaven in a flat that he had obtained online after spending a whole month with the Titans. Once he had been in Blüdhaven, he had searched for a job with the CV he had, trying different places while he was in his new small flat. The first job had been an easy one: Just serving in a small restaurant of the town in the night shifts.
Around three years ago, Blüdhaven.
The alarm sounded and he reached to turn it off. He stretched his body before looking at the time. 4 p.m., it said.
He sighed and got out of bed, his body aching when he moved his arms to get himself up. He almost swore that some of the stiches would open up and that he would start bleeding again.
He shook his head and went to the shower to clean his previous injuries very fast, came out, dried himself, and went to get dressed and make up a little to cover the tiredness in his face. Once he was ready, he went to the kitchen, poured himself some coffee, drank it slowly, ate some cookies, clean everything that he had used, pout his coat on, took his keys and left.
The chilling cold wind hit him in the face when he got out of the flat, almost waking him up on his way to the nearer bus stop, arriving just a minute before the bus (the one that he had to take). He arrived at the restaurant five minutes early.
"Good afternoon" he greeted to his boss and to the group of the morning people that was about to leave.
"Afternoon there, Drake" his boss smiled "You can go to change, as always. I've already left all of the morning collected so my daughter won't kill me before leaving myself"
"Okay, that's great" Tim smiled back "Have a great day, sir, then."
"All of you too" he winked "Behave well"
"Dad, just leave. I already can manage them truly well and I do a good work" the daughter appeared behind her father.
"Oh, hush. It's a father's job to worry" he shrugged it off "I'll be taking off, then."
His daughter waved him off and sighed. On the other hand, Tim just shook his head, not wanting to think about it and went towards the lockers, opened his, took the waiter's clothes of the restaurant and changed his clothes with these ones really fast.
Working at the afternoon in a restaurant usually meant little work in the first two hours but from there until midnight it was like a mess. It was okay, though. Tim almost appreciate it since his mind would be busy.
When going back home hours later, he changed his clothes to his other uniform and went on patrol around the city, stopping from time to time to prevent crimes, assaults… Or anything bad he would encounter. This was a harder task, since his own injuries sometimes would play against him, but he was good enough to overcome the pain and keep playing the hero charade for a few hours, ending the things quickly. Around six in the morning everything was already calm, as usual, so he went back to his flat and once he was there, he changed his clothes quickly to his pajamas and get inside the bathroom. While taking off his makeup, which he used to cover up some injuries and his tiredness, he thought about how he had ended like this. Looking himself in the mirror, he didn't recognize himself anymore. Sure, he had the same face (if only more tired and thinner, maybe), but his eyes were speaking more than they should. Too loud, if anyone asked him. Sometimes, he would wonder how he could pretend for just eight hours of work in the restaurant but… He guessed that he was already accustomed to it. Lie to himself, lie to others, smile despite everything…
He looked at the small blades he would use, gripped one tightly and put it closer to one of his arms… He noticed the little tremble in his body, looked at his arm which was covered of past injuries he had made, the thought lingering on… Biting his lip, he sighed and left the blade in its place, getting out of the bathroom as soon as possible. Going to his bed, he turned off all the lights of his flat and went to sleep. His day had been too long.