Chapter Twenty-Five

When Rose reached Albus and Charlotte's flat, she was happy to see that no one was there. In one sense she'd figured, since there were only two days until the wedding, but she didn't realize how relieved she was until the spare key turned in the lock—Rose had forgotten to give that back—and it was eerily quiet.

She retrieved her things from the bedroom, quickly changing into the outfit she'd packed in her bag and found her purse sitting on the kitchen counter. She grabbed it, seriously contemplating if she would get caught for Apparating into a Muggle building; all she wanted to do was dive into bed until the next day.

"There you are!"

Rose literally jumped when she heard Roxanne's voice behind her, swivelling around to see her in the doorway, looking absolutely furious. Shit.

"Where the actual fuck have you been?" she demanded, stalking over. "I've been looking for you everywhere!"

Rose's mouth opened and closed. "I've—shit, I'm so sorry Roxy—"

"I came back here," she continued, "and you left your wand here, and then Skye and I looked around for you in Diagon Alley for hours, then we went to your flat and knocked but you weren't there—Rose?"

Rose had burst into tears.

"I'm sorry," she said, angrily wiping them away. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you, I'm fine, I just—I'm sorry—"

"Are you okay?" Roxy asked, launching forward to wrap her arms around her. "What happened? You're not hurt, are you?"

Rose managed a feeble, "I'm not hurt," into Roxanne's shoulder. Ten minutes later, they were Roxanne and Noah's flat on the outskirts of Diagon Alley, Rose was seated on their living room couch with a large mug of tea in her hands and Noah was cooking something for dinner that smelled delicious.

"All right," Roxanne said, sipping her tea, "who do I need to kill?"

"It's my fault, actually." Rose stared into her mug, exhaustion hitting her brain in a wave. She was about to brush it off, avoid it like she normally would, but something stopped her. She trusted Roxanne, and besides, how had avoiding and denial and running away from the situation helped with Scorpius? She still ended up hurt, and hurting him.

She wasn't going to run away from it anymore. Not from anything.

"I was with Scorpius," Rose confessed.

"Scorpius Malfoy?" Roxanne repeated, flabbergasted. "Is that still going on? You haven't talked about in weeks."

Resigned, Rose told her everything. The guilt physically pulled at her belly as she spoke about how she ignored the reservations in the back of her mind, how she'd practically invaded his life—'wormed' her way in, as Scorpius put it—and pushed the limits past their friendship.

"Why'd you do it?" Roxy asked, not looking altogether surprised, but baffled.

"I didn't really think it through," Rose answered, but as soon as she said it, she realized it was because she found Scorpius infinitely interesting, and the more she found out, the more she wanted to know. More than anyone she'd ever dated before.

Dear Merlin, she was so fucked.

"So, let me get this straight," Roxy recounted. "You were neighbours and friends. Then you started your whole friends-with-benefits thing with him and continued becoming friends, and at no time during this you thought this would be a bad idea?"

"I really don't know why I did it, other than I'm a colossal idiot."

"And last night you were talking about Nathan, which I don't even understand," Roxy continued. "Weren't you saying how you were attracted to him but felt too intimidated to be yourself around him?"

Rose had forgotten about that. "Yeah."

"Do you feel like yourself around Malfoy?"

Rose only stared into her tea, but Roxy understood the affirmation.

"I didn't want to hurt him," Rose said quietly, willing the tears back behind her eyes. "Remember when I broke up with Travis last year? Things had gotten so bad. I promised myself I'd stay single so I could figure my shit out, and I feel like I only just started when Albus kicked me out and I lost my job."

"I remember," she confirmed. "Do you remember when you turned down promotions for Travis? I told you that wasn't a good idea."

"His fragile male ego couldn't handle it," Rose muttered, making Roxanne snort.

"Understatement of the year."

"I really need to stop trying to please everyone."

"You weren't trying to please Malfoy, were you?" she teased.

"But what else was I supposed to do?" Rose asked. "Scorpius would only hate me more down the line. If I could take back what happened, I would, but I can't. But getting in a relationship when I'm like… well, this? It seems like a bad idea."

"I notice the issue isn't whether or not you have feelings for him," Roxanne pointed out, making Rose choke, "but you're right, it doesn't seem like you're ready."

She sighed. "Not that he understands. He thinks reinventing myself is ridiculous, but it's not. For the first time in so long, I'm improving my life and it makes me feel like I'm actually going to be someone. I'm working towards goals and it honestly feels amazing."

"I think it's okay to have goals, but you don't have to become a different person."

It hadn't occurred to Rose that this was what she was aiming for. "I dunno. I feel like I'm becoming more myself. Instead of this shell of a person I was before."

"Why do you even want to reinvent yourself so badly?" Roxy asked. "I don't think it's ridiculous at all, but I'm a bit curious."

"I just wanted to be the type of woman who just has everything together," Rose explained. "I know I lost my direction a long time ago, but I think I have what it takes to pull myself out of this. If I keep at this, I'll have a career I'm proud of. Maybe a life I'm proud of."

"There's your idealism," Roxy teased, "but you just snagged a job and you have this cute little flat now. What's not to be proud of?"

Rose bit her lip. "Things just don't seem right yet. My mum's probably going to be thrilled about the job, but I don't know if it's what I want to be doing. I still feel massively unstable."

"Who really sets that standard, then?"

Rose mulled that over. Whose terms was she living by?

Roxy glanced over to the kitchen, where Noah was blissfully unaware of the conversation, whistling cheerily and clanging around as he made supper. "It's independence you're after, right?"

"I think so." Rose was much more certain of what she wanted about two hours ago. "I just want control over my life. I want to stop feeling like everything is always falling apart."

"You could argue that I'm not independent."

Rose stared at her. "What? You have a great job that you like. You've travelled everywhere. You're engaged and you're looking to buy a fucking house."

"I mean, sure," Roxy said, shrugging, "but I'm also in a mostly long-distance relationship with no sure date of that ending. Also, I've never taught anything in my life and got my job purely from connections. I'm probably going to struggle and cry on your couch a lot this year."

"I guess," she chuckled.

"I wouldn't say I've gotten it all figured out or independent." Roxy gestured to Noah. "I mean, we've been together since Hogwarts. We've both had to figure shit out at different points in our lives, but we haven't broken up because of it. I think you can be in a relationship, still do your own thing and support each other. I think that means you're in the right relationship."

Rose considered this, thinking that whatever it was she had with Scorpius was unquestionably better than most of her relationships, and that included some of the friendships she had (namely, Albus).

"I guess I always thought I should be alone until I get things figured out," she confessed. "It's sort of a selfish thing I need to do, isn't it? It wouldn't want to put Scorpius through it."

"You sort of already have, it seems."

"Point taken," Rose said, wincing. And he still wanted to be with her? It was honestly absurd.

Roxanne was quiet, looking at Rose thoughtfully.

"What?" she asked self-consciously.

"Nothing." But upon seeing the look on Rose's face, she hastily added, "I just think it's… strange."

"What's strange?"

"He hurt you," Roxy began, but she was clearly hesitating.

"Please don't hold back," Rose told her, thinking back to the slightly humiliating intervention her friends had given her at the bachelorette party. She loved her friends, but besides Skye's mostly forthcoming honesty, sometimes they were a little too nice. "Just rip the band-aid off and tell me, okay?"

"You're not obligated to be with him," she burst out, "and if you're so close, why doesn't he understand that? Or that you're not ready for a relationship?"

Rose looked down at her now-cold tea. "I think I just hurt him first."

"Relationships are mutual agreements," she argued. "He might be calling your bluff, but it's a shitty thing to use an ultimatum when you two agreed on not having a relationship in the first place."

"Maybe." Rose definitely thought it was more complicated than that, but she couldn't deny she was hurt by the entire situation. Even if he'd lashed out because of her, the lashing out was rather painful.

They were quiet for a moment, listening to the tap running and taking in whatever Noah was cooking that smelled delicious. Rose couldn't stop thinking of what Roxanne had pointed out, that while she couldn't feel like herself around someone like Nathan, it was easy with Scorpius. It had never occurred to her to hide herself from him because they were friends, but it was so natural to feel pressured in a relationship. What if they were in a relationship—would that change?

No was the immediate reaction of that little voice in her head. She would never feel pressured to be someone else with Scorpius. Time and time again, he'd been clear that he preferred her the way she was.

Rose didn't want to be in a relationship because she would only disappoint. She never thought she would disappoint Scorpius, but she did, and that was as friends.

"I need to apologize to him," Rose conceded.

"You both should." Roxy sat up. "Skye wanted to apologize, too. She feels awful."

"For snogging Nathan? She knows I don't want to date him."

"She wants to explain what happened," Roxy said, shrugging. "I expect she'll probably tell you at the rehearsal dinner tomorrow night."

Rose leaned her head back on the couch and groaned. "Nathan's going too, isn't he?"

"Probably, he's in Charlotte's family."

"I'm going to have to tell him," she realized, the dread sinking her gut. "I'm going to have to tell him I'm not interested."

Roxanne grinned. "You said it yourself, didn't you? You have to stop trying to please everyone. That includes hurting Nathan's feelings."

"I've already hurt enough people," Rose mumbled, unable to shake Scorpius from her mind. "How do I know for sure? If I have feelings or not?"

Roxy paused. "That's hard to say. I mean, we were talking about how last night that butterflies don't mean feelings, but that's how it starts for some people. The short answer is that you just know."

"But I don't know," Rose said, trying not to pull at her hair in frustration. She knew she cared for Scorpius, but how would she define it? "That's my whole problem."

"Well," she considered, "there's one thing for sure. If you can run away from it, if it doesn't hurt like a bitch… it's probably not love."

Rose was quiet, processing.

"I'm sorry, that's a pretty shitty answer."

"At least you tried," Rose assured, giving her a weak smile, "and you put up with all my nonsense. At least you know what it's like."

"I think you're starting to know what it's like," she said, smiling back. "Besides, I think half your nonsense is going to go away once you actually eat something. And sleep."

Roxanne didn't trust Rose to go back to her own flat without losing her mind—probably a good call—so she joined Roxy and Noah for dinner, refused the wine adamantly and spent the rest of the night attempting to distract herself by playing chess with Roxy, who was always a decent opponent.

It wasn't until she had settled in for sleep on the couch under a warm blanket, the silence ringing loudly in her ears, when her mind wandered back to him. For the first time in a while, the loneliness set in, and she missed the sound of Scorpius' steady breathing that always managed to curb the twisting in her belly.

She hated that she hurt him.

The irony wasn't lost on her; she hadn't been in a relationship with him and she still disappointed Scorpius. Maybe she should have kept her distance, preventing any of this from happening in the first place.

Or maybe disappointing people was inevitable. The thought was oddly freeing.

Rose wondered if he was okay, if he ate—he never ate when he was upset—and was able to fall asleep, though he was never the one with sleeping issues. She wondered if he would give her a chance to apologize, given how hurt he was.

As she thought through this, it occurred to her that she really did care, much more than just a friend. And even if she realized that what she felt was more than friendship, it was too soon to put a label on it just yet. Would it make sense to him to take things slowly with her, if that's what she needed?

He always understood her. Would he understand her now?

Rose didn't have to wait very long to find out.

After a fitful night of sleep, she dragged herself back to her flat, only just controlling herself from using magic to float up the three flights of stairs. She counted the steps up, muttering a triumphant, "Fifty-two!" as she reached the landing. Unfortunately, she wasn't looking where she was going, and she bumped into a body and nearly flew back down the stairs.

A strong grip on her arm stopped her life flashing before her eyes, and Scorpius—who else could it be?—yanked her up and steadied her immediately. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she replied breathlessly, finding her footing again.

"Watch where you're going," he said, scowling as he looked down at his lab coat. He had been holding a large cup of coffee, and now there were large brown splotches down his front.

"I'm so sorry," Rose cried, following as he grumpily stomped back to his flat. "I swear I didn't mean to—"

"It's fine." Scorpius was very pointedly not looking at her, slipping off his lab coat and inspecting the front of his shirt. It was less obvious, but also stained.

"I can Vanish it if you—"

"I'll do it later," he said shortly, unbuttoning his shirt. "You can go."

Rose knew it was probably wrong to be turned by him undressing when he was so angry with her, but she definitely was. Either way, while they were both there and she had her chance, she had to talk to him.

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine," he repeated dully, putting his coffee down and opening a drawer to his dresser and rooting through for another shirt. "I'll fix it after work."

"That's not what I mean," she clarified quickly. There was a loud thrumming in Rose's body. "I'm sorry about yesterday. I reacted badly."

"Okay."

Rose didn't know what to say; she hadn't quite rehearsed it in her head because she didn't think she would get this far. Not that it was very much to begin with; Scorpius kept his focus on his buttons as he buttoned up a new checkered shirt.

"I'm not really sure how I feel," she began, stumbling for the right words. "All I really know is that you mean a lot to me, and I want to work this out somehow."

He side-stepped her to get to his closet, barely brushing past.

"Scorpius."

He didn't answer, jerking a clean lab coat so hard the hanger clattered to the floor. He put it on and swung his bag back over his shoulder.

"Don't do this, Scorpius."

"I'm not doing anything," he said, and she could tell he was trying hard to sound indifferent. She hurried to block the door, dropping her bag onto the floor in front of it, and he rolled his eyes. "Real mature."

"I want to fix this," she said quietly.

"And I have to get to work."

"It's your store. Don't tell me you can't be late for once in your life."

"Just because you're always late, doesn't mean some people don't value punctuality."

Rose ignored the jab. "I just want to talk. That's it."

"And I don't," he said through gritted teeth. "Move."

"Don't shut me out again," she pleaded as he folded his arms across his chest, still looking anywhere but her. "I know you're angry, but all of this meant something to me, okay? I just don't really understand it yet."

"Great," he replied bitingly, "let me know when you've figured it out. Hopefully one of us is still alive."

She tried not to let this bother her. "Scorpius."

"What?" he demanded. "What do you want from me? You've made your feelings pretty clear."

"Why can't we talk about this?" she asked. She knew he was hurt, but working it out was more important than a few hurtful remarks. "Why are you closing me out?"

He narrowed his eyes. "I don't want to be friends. You can save your breath."

"Okay," she accepted, "but—"

"And maybe that's just who I am," he continued, ignoring her. "Maybe I'm just closed-off, emotionally unavailable or whatever bullshit you want to throw at me—"

"I didn't say any of that!" she protested, thrown off guard. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Nothing."

Rose felt at a loss. "You really don't want me in your life anymore?"

"You don't want me in yours," he said, taking advantage of her confusion and pushing past her to open the door.

"That's not true at all," she said instinctively, words tumbling out before she could think them through. "I'm just scared."

Scorpius stopped short. "Of me?"

"No," she said, though she certainly felt afraid then, like he was going to slip away at any moment. "Of what this is. Or was. I don't want to fuck it up, okay? You mean more than any of my exes ever did."

"Sure," he said stonily, "as a friend, right?"

"No, it's just—listen, I'm trying, here," Rose pleaded. "I'm trying to make the leap. All I'm asking is that you might be patient with me. Not for very long, just until I figure this out."

Scorpius stared at her in disbelief. "No."

"Why not?"

"I'm not waiting around for you to figure out whether you have feelings for me."

"That's not what I mean!" she denied instantly; she was pretty sure she knew that part. "I know you can't do that. I meant my job, so I might want to take things a little slower—"

"No," he repeated, looking away and using his foot to shove her bag into the hall. "I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore."

"So that's it, then?" she said miserably, following him out the door. "You don't want to be around me at all? Why do we have to rush into this? Is there no way you could compromise for three seconds just so my anxiety doesn't go through the roof? "

"Apparently I don't have the ability to compromise."

Rose threw her hands up. "I didn't say that either! What the hell, Scorpius—"

"You know what?" he said, suddenly inflamed. "I should've done this a long time ago. When we met."

She stopped, heart beating wildly. "What?"

"I knew this was a bad idea," he said, speaking as though he was running out of breath. "I didn't want to be in a relationship either, but I knew I was kidding myself in saying we were just friends. I knew I'd want more eventually."

"I… I didn't know," she said shakily. "This is all new for me."

"I'm always going to want more," he said dejectedly. "So I can't do this. I can't be around you. It's probably really selfish and terrible, but that's how I am, so…"

It was obvious that he didn't understand what she was trying to say, and she knew he was on defense, protecting himself. Rose opened her mouth, attempting to find the words to express how much he meant to her, but nothing seemed like enough.

"Just leave me alone, okay?" Without waiting for an answer, he shut his door, not bothering to lock it and rushed down the hall, getting away as fast as he could. Leaving her even more confused and hurt and frustrated than before.

Leaving her wondering if she ever understood him at all.

Rose was still trembling when she entered her flat. She vaguely saw the neighbour's cat flitting in between her ankles as she opened the door, nearly tripping her as he darted inside her flat. She immediately headed for her shower, hoping it might bring some ease to her mind.

Because what the fuck even was that?

She stood under the water for a long time, miserable and trying to calm down. Everything with Scorpius spun her mind in circles, but even though she couldn't clearly make sense of their conversation, she couldn't bring herself to be angry with him. She'd clearly incensed something in him and now he was struggling with it.

And then clarity struck through her, freezing her in the hot water.

Scorpius was not going to forgive Rose.

Unlike her, he didn't care what people thought. He wouldn't care if she was miserable or if she was so angry she threw eggs at his door. He didn't want to be friends so he could protect himself. He had no need to please her; when he wanted her to leave him alone, he meant it.

And now that she could see his clear path out of her life, there wasn't any question. There wasn't a distance she could go, no avoiding him like she avoided all her exes to forget them, no possible way he was ever going to leave her mind. It was clear now, why people said you just knew when you were in love, because it was true. Roxanne was right: you can't explain it.

That, and everything hurt like an absolute bitch.

Rose was in love. And an idiot.

Rose spent the rest of the day recovering and decidedly not crying. She played with the neighbour's cat, watched a horror movie despite Halloween being months away and ate a lot more ice cream than she would care to admit.

An hour before the rehearsal dinner, Rose was sitting on her living room floor, trying to understand why building the bookshelf was so frustrating. She was doing all right and built the foundation, but the two pieces she was trying to fit together didn't match anymore. After five minutes of poring through the instructions, she nearly smacked herself; she'd put the nails in on the wrong side.

With some difficulty, Rose learned how to reverse the nails with the drill. The nails were coming out, but she didn't have a good grip on the other pieces and they slipped from her hands. As the last nail came out, the shelves fell apart, and the cat meowed loudly from his corner from the reverberated thuds.

And suddenly, she was angry.

Angry with Scorpius for rushing her, and angry with herself for not being ready. Angry that he didn't accept her apology and angry because she couldn't find the words for love just a little bit sooner. Angry with herself for caring what everyone thought and not feeling like she was good enough to be in a relationship.

Angry because she never felt good enough, no matter what she did.

As she stared at the broken pieces, there was a loud knock at her door. Rose forced herself up, legs feeling like lead. Perhaps it was Roxanne, coming to check on her? She didn't think it was Scorpius. She was sure she'd driven him out of her life for good.

Instead, when she opened the door, she found the last person she wanted to see, wearing a beautiful floor-length dress and hair in a sleek bun at the back of her head. The person she'd been avoiding for weeks, for good reason.

What the hell was her mother doing here?

And why did she look like she was going to shit a brick?

A/N: Hi there! I hope you liked this chapter, even if things are still tense. If any of you have any ideas why Scorpius is acting the way he is, let me know your theories, I would love to hear them (there are clues in previous chapters too). But despite what Rose thinks, he isn't out of her life for good. I like happy endings :)

Thank you so much for reading, and please let me know what you thought! The next one is the second-to-last chapter.