In My Blood:
Chapter 19
Addison's POV:
My eyes flicker, and I try hard, so hard to go back to sleep, but the light is shining in through the closed mini blinds on the windows. I pull the covers over my head, just five more minutes. I was having the most amazing dream, but to wake and realize that it wasn't my reality? Depressing beyond belief.
ADDISON's DREAM:
We were in the back yard of a house Mark and I must have purchased. I am sitting on a lawn chair, holding a chubby little Oakley. She was wearing a sweet little yellow and pink swimsuit, with a matching hat and sunglasses. She is older, maybe just over one. Heavenly and a boy, Michael. I know it is Michael are playing in the sprinkler, shrieking with laughter as the water goes up, and then falls on them like rain.
They run over to me, soaking wet, eyes sparkling with joy.
"Can we have a popsicle?" Heavenly asks. "It's so hot outside today."
"Do you want a popsicle, this close to dinner or did Michael tell you to ask me?" I ask, in a playful tone.
"I did." He admits. "You always say yes to her!" He points out.
"Play for a little longer, you can have one after dinner." I say. I get a good look at Michael. He really is the perfect mixture of Mark and I. He has the same goofy smile as Mark does, and his hair is the exact shade of blonde. His eyes though, his eyes are mine.
"OK" They say, at the same time, without any real argument. Heavenly runs off, back to the sprinkler, but Michael lags behind her.
"Mama, Let Oakley play with us! She's missing out on all the fun!" He begs. I agree before I really think about it and he takes her from me. Putting her on his hip, she snuggles close to him, babbling 'my my my my'.
"Michael?" I ask questioningly, and he looks up at me and smiles, He has the same gap between his front teeth that I do. My eyes begin to tear up.
"What?" He asks, seemingly annoyed that I would stop him from his playing, like the very best think in the world he could be doing right now is playing with his siblings, and he doesn't want to miss a minute. He gets distracted from me and goes to tickling Oakley instead. She shrieks in giggles and he laughs as well.
"I love you." I say, "So much." I am crying now, and I know it is because I am waking up. I don't want to. Please let me stay in this fantasy. Let me be with my children.
"You're so weird mom." He says, "But I love you too." He says before shaking his head, and carrying Oakley over to the sprinkler where he sits her down gently on her feet, taking hands with her and Heavenly, making a circle and dancing with her and the rain from the sprinkler falls down on them, and everything dissolves into my quiet bedroom as I wake up.
END OF ADDISON's DREAM:
My eyes are damp, and I wipe them quickly away. I sit up and grab the tissues on my beside table, blowing my nose hard. I don't want Meredith to see that I've been crying. She is meant to bring Oakley by today. I don't want her to think I can't handle such a task. I don't want to admit it, but I love these visits with her. I am starting to slowly see why everyone thinks she is so wonderful. The doorbell rings, and I hear her opening the door, to Mark. I groan and pull myself out of bed.
'It is too early for this nonsense.' I think to myself, but I pull on a clean pair of clothes anyway and run a brush through my hair. I make my way down the stairs, and mumble a good morning, before going into the kitchen and putting a pot of coffee on. They both follow me in.
"I want to know what you did with Oakley Addison." Mark demands, no beating around the bush.
"I told you, I gave her up."
"To whom?"
"How many STD's did you catch while you were sleeping around?" I ask him, and his face flushes crimson. The coffee finishes and I take a cup, black, not offering anyone else one.
"I'm clean Addison."
"Your tomato paste face determined THAT is a lie." I look down at my coffee, stirring it around in my cup, even though I didn't add anything to stir in. I can't even come up with good insults. "So why did you come back now? Did she dump you?" I demand. "Did you realize what an idiot you are and leave you for someone better?"
"She's pregnant."
"What?!" I nearly choke and spit out my coffee.
"It's not MINE." He tries to assure me quickly. "But seeing how happy she is about the baby… it made me miss what we have, made me miss Oakley."
"And what exactly DO we have? We're not a family."
"We were before Heavenly died."
"We're not anymore, and how do you know who the father of this child is?" I demand, and he goes silent. "Seriously Mark, silence is golden."
"Let's not make any rash assumptions!" Meredith says quickly. "He just wants to see his child." I give her a poisonous look.
"Well WE can't help him with that, and even if we could, do you really think it would be in her best interest to have him walking in and out of her life?"
"I guess you're right." Meredith agrees.
"I don't need you Addison. I'll hire a private detective; I'll have the courts order you to tell me where she is."
"There is nothing to be done." I say. "I did everything through legal means."
"You didn't give her up permanently."
"The hell I didn't. The first opportunity I got; she was gone."
"Then why is her nursery still fully set up? You haven't removed any of her furniture, she still has all of her toys, a full closet of clothes." All her decorations are still hanging on the walls. If you gave her up, you would have thrown everything out. I know you Addison."
"I've not had the time to hire someone to remove them, and you obviously do not know me so well. We never changed Heavenly's room…."
"You wanted Heavenly, you never wanted Oakley."
"OK that's ENOUGH." Meredith interjects herself between us. I sink down onto one of the kitchen chairs.
"Addison I never meant to hurt you."
"Well you did so maybe next time try a little harder."
"I didn't think you were serious about giving her away Addison, I didn't think you were suffering that greatly."
"Exactly you didn't think."
"What are your plans with this woman, and her baby?" Meredith asks Mark, and he looks at me.
"Why are you looking at me for an answer? After everything you put me through to get Oakley here safely you sure didn't care to parent her once she was actually born."
"What do you want me to do?" Mark asks me.
"If the baby is yours take care of it, better than you did me and mine."
"I took damn good care of you. If I wouldn't have been here, you both would have been dead."
"I still fail to see what the issue is here."
"I want my daughter back."
"Your actions speak louder than your words Mark."
"You didn't even want her! You just don't want me to have her." He accuses and I keep my mouth shut. When I had my lawyer draw up the paperwork, I told her Mark had abandoned us, and that I did not want him coming in and out of this child's life, that the inconsistency would cause her more harm than good. I told her that I only wanted to give Meredith and Derek temporary custody until I am physically and mentally capable to care for her.
"Look at Addison, Mark." Meredith demands.
"I am looking at her."
"She isn't eating properly, she has dark circles under her eyes, her hair is falling out. She has self-harm scars all up and down her arms, and that is just what's been going on since you left, not counting the suicide attempts and everything before. Do you really think that she was in the right mind frame to care for Oakley?" Meredith asks, examining Mark closely and he begins to cry, laying his head in his hands. Maybe I'm heartless, but I don't feel bad.
"Maybe this whore is your second chance." I say, shrugging, getting up to leave.
"Addison wait-" Meredith said.
"What?"
"This can't be how our story ends." Mark says quietly, looking up at me, his eyes pleading. "I love you."
"If you loved me if you loved Oakley you wouldn't have done this. You wouldn't have turned back to sleeping around the moment things got a little hard. I don't know why I am surprised through. Isn't that who you always were?"
"People make mistakes Addison." Meredith says, gently.
"Why are you defending him?"
"I'm not. It's just he-"
"I didn't want to playhouse with him, and so he found someone who would. End of story Meredith. We are not his toys that he can cast aside just because he found something better, and then pick up again when the better toy breaks." I say, shaking my head at them both in disgust and leaving the room.
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Authors Note:
Thank you everyone for reading and reviewing! I wanted to do something a little... different ... With Addison and Mark. All this time he has been so perfect, so strong, etc. Well even the strongest of us break and make 'mistakes' sometimes.