"It's really weird, sitting with you like this," JJ said quietly. "Normally you're talking a mile a minute – now it's hard to get you to say much."
"Sorry," Reid said quietly: he had a pillow against his chest, his arms loosely crossed over it to hug it there. He was struggling to stay awake, and he felt bad, because JJ had even brought a travel version of Connect Four from the giftshop to play, and he hadn't been able to focus on it at all. It was raining outside, but because of the angle of the hospital rooves, he hadn't even been able to enjoy the streaks of it coming down the glass: it just left the sky outside a heavy, oppressive grey, and made the air feel thick.
"It's okay," JJ murmured. "But I can't say I won't desperately yearn for these moments the next time you give me an impromptu speech about emollients."
Reid laughed, letting his eyes close halfway. "You know, a speech is typically defined as an address to an audience that's formalised in nature, whereas what I do is more typically something you could call a lecture, being an educational talk, formal or informal."
"Fondly," JJ said, reaching over and touching his hand, "I will look back."
"Where's Gideon?"
"He went for a walk," JJ said. "Said, um…" She trailed off, and Reid grinned.
"Did he tell you he was tired of looking at me?"
He opened his eyes to look at JJ's sheepish expression. "... Yeah."
"It's okay," Reid said softly. "He doesn't mean it, he just doesn't like hospitals. I don't like them either."
"It must mean so much to you that he came back for you," JJ said quietly. "We haven't talked about it much, but… It was nice, having dinner with him last week, but I couldn't help but get the impression he wasn't really there for the rest of us." Reid didn't say anything, resting his chin on top of the pillow, and JJ said, after a moment or two, "Did he know about Hotch?"
"I was gonna tell you guys," Reid said softly. "After this case, I was gonna… I had a speech prepared."
"Wow, a formal address, huh?" He could feel JJ still looking at him even though he closed his eyes, but he didn't comment on it, keeping himself quiet. JJ's tone was gentle, teasing, and then she said, "Did you always… I don't know, did you always want to?"
"With Hotch?" Reid asked. "First time I met him I was seventeen." It was really getting harder to stay awake now, and his head felt heavy, falling slowly back against the pillow. "Gideon stopped him to introduce us – he was twenty-seven, hadn't actually transferred from the Seattle office yet. He was wearing this grey t-shirt and these grey shorts that were… really tight. Gideon used to lecture me about it because it was such a bad idea, thought I'd do something to… But he was married, I wasn't going to do anything.
"He always assumes the worst of what I'm gonna do," Reid mumbled. "It's 'cause we're so alike – he thinks I'll do what he thinks he'd do. But it's not even what he'd do, most of the time. He thinks the worst of himself – always kinda has. A lot of us do that. Profilers."
"Do you?" he heard JJ ask, but the question came through a clouded haze.
"I don't think I'm that bad," Reid said, aware of the sleepy slur to his words. "But sometimes I think that…"
Reid's hands went lax around the pillow as he drifted off, but JJ didn't try to tug it free – apparently he kept waking himself up when he moved his arms too much or brushed his bad leg in his sleep, and a least like this, his arms were occupied. She'd felt desperate, ragged, when she'd seen Reid laid out on that stretcher – the surprise of him pulling Hotch in toward him had been almost tertiary in its impact. She'd suspected that something was up between them – that Hotch and Reid were spending so much time together, and something about the way that Hotch could tell what Reid was thinking sometimes, she'd been well on her way to connecting the dots…
"You can head back, if you want," Gideon said, and JJ turned to look up at him.
Gideon looked serious, always looked serious, until those moments where he cracked into laughter or where he suddenly was in the mood to play, but those moments had always been hard to judge, islands of levity in a sea of deep, deep water. Reid had always managed to know when they were coming, had always been great at making Gideon laugh – and at withdrawing at the moments Gideon didn't want to, and guiding the rest of them back. It was good to have him back, even though he wasn't really coming back…
But with Reid in his hospital bed, Gideon wasn't smiling at all. He was lingering in the hospital room – either Hotch or Gideon was in here at any time, and the rest of them were taking shifts to try to stick with him.
She'd asked Hotch last night how Gideon was – Hotch hadn't told her anything, but had gone very quiet and serious, and given a delicate shake of his head. It made sense, that Gideon should be hit so hard by Reid almost dying so soon after Gideon coming back, given what Garcia had found out about Stephen, when she'd searched his name.
JJ remembered what it had first been like, joining the BAU and working with Gideon. She'd first met him while she was working in the press department at the Bureau, had been warned that Gideon could be a steel-hard bastard when he wanted to be, but Gideon had never really been like that with her.
No, he hadn't remembered her name, initially – in fact, it took about nine months before he seemed to notice that she was regularly around, and then, all of a sudden, he knew her name, and what sort of teas and cakes she liked, and commented on her work when she'd been recognised for something or written an article somewhere. That was Gideon's M.O., really – he wouldn't notice you when you were right next to him, but if he loved you, he'd follow your work.
It was a distanced intimacy.
She'd forgotten how much it had meant to her with him being gone for so long.
She wasn't jealous of Reid, not at all, because all of them had always known that Gideon's affection for Reid wasn't the same as the affection he had for the rest of them – that it was different, more focused – but the fact of the matter was, if it weren't for Reid, Gideon wouldn't have come back to them at all.
And as for Hotch…
"He's wrong, you know," Gideon said, stepping past and sinking into the other chair, taking a sip of a milkshake. He had a few books in cellophane jackets, had obviously gotten a temporary library card from the library around the corner, but he wasn't reading them just yet, looking at Reid. "I wasn't worried he'd do anything. Reid's pretty obsessed with promises – marriage is a big one, even if it's someone else's."
"I never noticed it," JJ said.
"Well, you never saw Hotch in, uh, those tight shorts?" Gideon asked, with a sort of humorous wince, and JJ chuckled, feeling strange about it – Reid had told them his boyfriend could pick him up and carry him, that he liked sex against the wall and sex in the shower… Hotch. Maybe the pieces never would have clicked into place for her, if Reid hadn't made it obvious – even knowing for sure, she shouldn't quite make it work in her head. "He was embarrassed by it. The only people that realised were, uh, were me and Hotch himelf."
"Hotch knew?"
"He was embarrassed too," Gideon murmured. "Some boy genius eighteen year old that thought he was God's gift to the FBI? You know Hotch. He doesn't do great with that sort of attention, even if whoever it is tries to keep it to themselves. It was a crush. Everybody at the FBI has crushes – you and that drill sergeant who visited from the CIA, a year after you joined the BAU, for example."
"Bobby Brecht," JJ said, laughing. "I forgot about him. He was six foot eight."
"I remember," Gideon said. "You told me that three times in one day, and told Garcia at least as many times." Gideon's smile was warm, paternal – it was a smile she hadn't had directed at her in years, and it made her heart ache – Gideon had never met Henry, but he was going to, soon, had been delighted when JJ had suggested he come over for dinner sometime. "It's natural," he said softly. "And now…"
"It's not a crush anymore," JJ murmured. "They're really serious."
Gideon inhaled, his nostrils flaring, and then he gave a neat inclination of his head. "Yep," he said – it wasn't approval, not even close, but she didn't want to say anything about it. It wasn't her business. "Uh, Garcia said she's gonna videocall," JJ said quietly. "But she'll text first, so you can just text her back and let her know he's still asleep."
"Got it," Gideon murmured, and put on his reading glasses, picking up one of the books from the library.
He didn't look up at her, or say goodbye – it had been years since she'd experienced that, too, and she tried to remember how it had felt before, when she'd never taken it personally. Rising to her feet, she put on her jacket.
She kissed Reid's forehead before she headed back to the Siskiyou PD.