Chapter 22:

As promised, the chapter is out before the end of the month! I was hoping to get it out sooner, but I didn't want to rush it as a lot of emotions are in this chapter. Plus it's about eleven pages soooo it's quite beefy. Things are starting to come along now and I hope you're excited for what is to come! Reviewing and Favoriting is appreciated!

My knuckles twitched as they ramped against the door. I didn't even realize how nervous I was until I saw little spouts of frost speckle across the rough wood. Frozen in place, I waited for a response. Nothing. I knocked again.

Jack, don't kid yourself. Oak gave you the key because you would need it.

Rotating the key in my hand, I looked down at the keyhole. Back in the day, I would have jumped at the chance to break into Cly's room. I was always curious as to how the great Mother Nature lived, but now I was terrified to enter a room which her own personal wolf gave me permission to enter.

Stop overthinking it.

Taking what little courage I had left, I jabbed the key in the door and swiftly flicked my wrist. The door unlocked. There's no way she didn't hear that click, but I don't hear anything. Hopefully that's a good sign. Slowly opening the door, I peeked my head in. Her room was dimly lit—nothing seemed out of place. Trinkets and flowers littered her vanity and her large circular bed was messy per usual. But as my eyes gazed down to the end of the large room, I spotted a lump on the window seat. She laid amongst a mound of pillows beside the curtain drawn window. All that could be heard amongst the deafening silence was the rain drumming against the glass.

I wasn't even sure where to start or what to do. She might even be asleep, and if she was, do I wait in here for her to wake up? Do I wake her up?

"So Oak gave you a key."

The rhythm of my heart mirrored the beating rain. She was awake. But her voice wasn't confrontational, like I would have imagined. She didn't sound mad or angered. For once, her voice was so quiet and frail. It was as if she was trying to speak, but all that came out was a whisper.

"Yeah he did. I-I'm sorry I didn't mean to…"

Taking in a breath, I tried to level my heart rate. I couldn't be the nervous one in this situation. I needed to be calm.

"Are you ok?"

She didn't respond right away, but after she shifted between the pillows, she spoke. "You know, don't you?"

Taking a few steps into the room, I gently closed the door. "Yeah."

"Jack…I'm fine. You don't need to be here."

"But I want to be here."

Once again, I waited in silence. After a moment, her head peaked up, just above the pillows. I've never seen that expression on her face before. It made me sick to my stomach. She slowly drew her hand into the air and with a gentle curl of her finger, motioned me to come over. As I neared her, she pushed herself up, so she was leaning on her side. Taking a seat across from her on the window seat, I waited for her to make the first move.

Turning her gaze to the rain stained window, she let out a sigh. "Who told you?"

"Bunny. He didn't tell me everything though, just that…" I stopped. I couldn't bring myself to say it.

"I died today," she said with a curt nod.

Finally meeting my gaze, she swallowed hard. "It's not that I don't trust you Jack. I don't care if you know. You're my friend and this is a big part of who I am…I just…the more I don't talk about it, the more numb I can be. The less I can feel, which is just horrible," she said, her voice cracking.

Closing her eyes, she breathed for a moment, collecting herself. Her eyebrows were knit together as though she was angry at herself for breaking—angry for feeling. As she opened her eyes, she kept her gaze on her clenched hands.

"I know it sounds like I'm trying to forget—to forget them, but it's just so painful I—"

It hurt to see her like this. I was lucky enough to not remember the pain. I just wish I knew what happened to her. But all that mattered now was just making her feel better. I can't stand seeing her like this. Hesitantly reaching out my hand, I gently cupped her hand. Looking up at me, she continued to swallow back her tears.

Taking this opportunity, I tightened my grip. "You don't have to be strong around me Cly. You're already the strongest person I know. You helped me face my demons, please let me help you face yours. I don't know everything, but I know your death must have been horrific—"

"It's not even about me," she said cutting me off. "It's not even about my death. It's what my death caused. And the worst of it all is he blames himself. Oak blames himself..."

Pulling her hand away she shook her head. It seemed whenever she began to open up, she would immediately clam up and shut down.

"What do you want to know?" Cly said, putting on a fake smile.

"Anything you'll tell me."

"Well, I guess we better start at the beginning." Sitting up, she pulled a pillow to her chest. "It's a long story."

"I got all the time in the world and even if I didn't, I'd make the time," I replied, leaning back with a reassuring smile.

Cly smiled back at me in a way in which made my heart swell. It was as if she was surprised that I actually wanted to listen—that I actually cared. The longer I stared into her eyes, the more I could feel her pain. Somehow in some way, in this moment, we reached some new level in our relationship. We saw and understood each other in deeper way. Or at least that's how I felt. But I think she did too. The moment was short lived however as she sifted her gaze out the window.

"I lived in a small village, a tribe. I was a part of the Shawnee. It was simple, but it was a good life. Our chief was wonderful and so caring. His wisdom is something I've always aspired to achieve. I had a family—a little brother, a little sister, a beautiful mother, and a wonderful wolf who would follow me to the ends of the earth. My father was out of the picture. To be quite frank, he was a complete douche, but that's whole other story," she said waving her hand around.

A smile then started to form on her face. This time, it was genuine.

"We were all so close—my family. My sister, brother, and I would play at the stream for hours—collecting shiny rocks. My mother taught me how to weave. And my best friend, Miwok taught me how to shoot an arrow. I was pretty good. But one day…Oak didn't come back home. Sometimes he'd go off hunting for a day, but he'd always return at dusk. I became worried as we had some trouble with a neighboring tribe, regarding territory. As long as we stayed on our side, we were fine, but sometimes they wouldn't stay on theirs. I was terrified that he wandered too far off. And I knew they would kill him on sight."

Cly's smile had now vanished. Her hardened expression made me want to hold her or at least take her hand. I just wanted to take her pain away—just to do something. But I didn't want to interrupt her in fear she would shut me out. I wanted to know as much as she would tell me.

"So I went after him. I looked and looked and looked. I became frantic, but by the grace of mother earth, I found him. A few yards off, I saw him proudly carrying a hare in his mouth, trotting through the field. But he was in their territory. And in a few more feet I would have been too. My heart sank as I noticed movement in the line of trees not too far off. It was them. They had arrows and they were taking aim. In that moment, I wasn't thinking. I just ran. I ran to my boy," Cly said, her voice cracking on the last word.

I didn't want to hear what happened next. My heart twisted at the thought of her being—

"And they killed us both. Just as I reached Oak and took hold of his silver coat, they got me on my right-hand side. I shielded him. I had to protect him. I tried with all my strength to take hold of his scruff and pull us back, but they got me again. And Oak was having none that, so he tried to protect me. He stood his ground in front of my body with an animosity I had never seen, but they had the high ground. We were in the middle of the field with no cover, with a few yards between us. They sniped us down like it was sport," she said laughing in disgust.

Her gaze finally moved to me. As she looked into my eyes, I held onto her every word.

"I couldn't even describe what I felt in that moment. I felt guilt for the fact that due to my split-second decision my family had now lost me. I felt angry I wasn't watching over him. I felt sickened at the fact that Oak was going to be turned into a pelt. And I was scared. Just pure fear."

Cly's voice started to waver, but she carried on. "I bled out and I just remember everything slowly going to black as I held Oak in my arms. After that, I just have what my tribe told me about what happened. To make it short, some of my people heard the commotion and made their way over. By that time I was dead, and the other tribe had left. Obviously when they brought my body back my family was distraught, and Miwok was beside himself. But through all the grief, they began my burial ceremony. They decided to bury us both together. They knew how much I loved Oak. But just as the moon rose as I laid on the dirt beside Oak, the moon's light shined over us like a veil. And just like that the earth swallowed us whole. You could only imagine how scared the village was. The ground rumbled for a few moments and then the ground just erupted. Flower beds poured out from the ground as both Oak and I emerged. There was a moment of pure silence as we just stared at each other. We were all completely taken aback. But it didn't take them long to cheer in celebration. The village was absolutely overjoyed…My people believed Mother Earth to be a living being. Someone who watched over us. And it was an honor and a privilege that I appeared to be a part of that now."

Clenching her fists, she swallowed hard. She was continuously blinking back tears. Once again, I desperately wanted to take her hand. But I held back. I couldn't mess this up.

"But that joy was short lived, however. In that moment, I just knew what happened to me. I wasn't told, I didn't hear any voice, but I just knew. It was like the moon left this piece of information within me before he brought me back. I was now the keeper of the earth and all of it's people, and in order to do so, I had to live along with it. I wasn't mortal any longer and I would outlive everyone in my village, as would Oak. The tears streaming down their face were different than mine. They were so overjoyed that I had come back, when I was absolutely petrified. I lost who I was that day. I caused them so much pain. And Oak…Oak blames himself."

Clamping her jaw shut she put the back of her hand to her mouth and glared at her feet. She furiously blinked, refusing to let the tears fall. It was too much. I couldn't take it anymore and took her other hand in mine.

"It wasn't your fault or Oak's. It was those people. They hurt you, they did this," I said, pleading for her to look into my eyes.

Shaking her head, she let out a shaky breath. I was surprised she didn't pull her hand away.

"Well now you know. That's the story."

Taking in a deep breath, she adopted a stoic expression. Releasing the air in her lungs, she blinked back the remaining tears and pushed her shoulders back. She's shutting me out again. There were so many more layers to this, and I know for a fact she's repressing them with each hard swallow she takes. I don't want to push her, but if she's kept this to herself for years, it has to be eating her alive. Just repressing my own feelings for three hundred years was enough, and it wasn't about a horrific event such as this.

"Jack I'm fine. I know what you're just worried. But it's been—"

"This is not fine."

Cly's eyes finally met mine. She seemed rather surprised by my blatant statement. I usually stay away from arguing from her or disagreeing, as I'd learned "Cly is always right," but this time was different. This time the possibility of getting my head bit off was more than worth it. This wasn't about who was right or wrong—it was about helping her.

Narrowing her eyes at me, she slowly leaned in. "Excuse me?"

"Locking yourself in here every year is not fine. Cly, I know it's painful, but suppressing these feelings, being numb, that's not the answer. It's only hurting you. I can see it hurting you. And I know it's hurting Oak too. It's only making things worse. And I can't stand seeing you—"

Pulling her hand away from mine, shoved them into her lap. "How would you know? How would you know what this feels like? You can't talk about things you don't understand."

"You're right, I don't know. I don't know what it feels like. But I know what it's like trying to pretend everything's ok. To ignore the gnawing pain in your stomach that lurches every time you think about it. And I know when all you can do is sit and try to feel nothing when you can't get away from that feeling. It's not something I think anyone should have to feel, especially you."

"Jack stop."

She was angry now. More than angry. I was pushing her into a place she didn't want to go. A place she tried to bury a long time ago and continues to keep at bay. I'm still not sure if it's my place to be saying all this, to be making her face these feelings, but everyone else has tried and someone has to help her. And if she wants to scream and kick me along the way, I'll take it. I just hope I don't make things worse. I took in a deep breath before I continued.

"No."

"No?"

"Cly I care about you. I can't just walk away and leave you like this. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't try to help you?"

Cly sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "Like I've told everyone else, I'm fine. This is how I deal with things. It's over with, so there's no use in dwelling on it."

"Then why do you lock yourself in this room?"

"What am I supposed to be galivanting around on the day I died?"

"No I just—"

"Are you saying I'm not allowed to be sad?"

"Of course you're allowed to be sad, I just don't think you're allowing yourself to be sad."

"You—" shaking her head, she put her hands up as if to calm herself down.

I knew she was getting to that point where yelling would ensue. But I needed her to. Otherwise she would keep on appearing indifferent about the whole situation and we wouldn't get anywhere. I needed her to get to the point where she could let herself feel her emotions. She wouldn't let herself cry, but I know she'll let herself get angry.

"Jack. I know you're trying to help, but I don't need help. There is nothing to fix. It is what it is. I died and so did Oak."

"But you said it's not even about your death, it's about what your death did. What it did to your family. And that is what is still eating you alive. I can see it."

"Jack—"

"You're keeping all of this pain and hurt inside. Letting it out doesn't make you weak. Grieving doesn't make you weak. I learned that first hand. You don't have to face this alone. Never alone. Being alone is the worst thing a person can experience—"

"Jack I'm done talking about this—"

"Please don't shut me out. I know you don't want to feel hurt or feel the pain, but that's the only way to make it go away—"

Abruptly standing from the pillowed seat, her anger was boiling over. She had reached her limit. Her eyes bored into mine with an animosity that I didn't know she could reach.

"Fine you want to know?!" she yelled as dark vines emanated from the floor.

The room began to darken and the sky on the ceiling began to swarm with darkened clouds. I felt frozen in place.

"I hate the fact that every time Oak looks at me on the 24th I see guilt! I hate the fact that the once carefree wolf has turned cold as he feels he has to take care of everything for me since he believes he caused my death! I was his mother before, but now he feels like he has to mother me. I hate how I have to lock myself in here because if I go out there, he'll just see my grief and feel more guilty! And I HATE that I had to watch each and every member of my tribe die before my eyes—my mother, my sister, my brother, my nephews and nieces! There was a baby that was born the week I died and I saw it grow into old age and die as well! And my best friend Miwok—"

Biting her lip, she turned away from me. Her voice had now lowered a few octaves. "I was the reason he died alone. He never married. Never had children, all because of me. I always told him he'd make a great father, a husband, and he should settle down, but he always brushed it off—said he didn't need that…he had me. Miwok never said he loved me, at least not in that way, but I always suspected…He never got a chance to tell me and he didn't have the heart to after what happened. He just didn't want to hurt me."

A whole new feeling started to overwhelm me. I wasn't jealous. No. I wasn't quite sure what I was feeling. It was a mix of emotions. It actually did make my heart wrench that Miwok had to let Cly go. His intentions were too pure to be jealous at. I don't even want to think what that would feel like. I don't think I could let Cly go. And seeing her this distraught…only makes me think she loved him too. The thought that Cly could never love me, in that way, hurt. But that didn't matter right now. This isn't about me.

But—

"Did you love him too?"

The words left my mouth before I could stop them. I immediately felt guilty for even asking.

Turning around, her eyes were filled with tears. They streamed down her face and nestled below her chin. She clasped her hands around her shoulders and kneaded her skin.

"I don't know. I never got the chance to find out."

That made me even feel worse. Even though I want to be that person in Cly's life, and I hope she could feel that way about me—seeing that look on her face…the fact that she never got the chance to even try…

"Jack?"

Cly sat back down next to me and brought her hand to my face. Her skin was so warm against mine.

"Why are you crying?" she whispered, wiping the tears from my eyes.

I didn't even realize tears rolling down my face.

"I-I don't know I mean—it's just really sad. I-I'm just sorry that…sorry about all this."

"You don't need to be sorry."

"But I am."

Something broke in Cly. Her face contorted in pain. Wrapping her hands around my shoulders she pulled me flush against her chest. As she nestled her face into my neck, I felt her body shake. My own hands found their way to her back pulling her even closer, if that was even possible.

"I don't want to hurt you too," she whimpered into my skin.

Another pang resonated in my chest. More tears fell from my face. To know she actually cared that much…

"No. You didn't hurt me. I'm just sad that you're hurting," I said, my own voice muffled by her hair.

She just exhaled into my neck, keeping me close. There was a long pause before I heard her voice ring through my ears.

"I just…" she scoffed at herself and shook her head.

"What?"

"I-It's nothing, I shouldn't have even…gosh I'm a terrible person."

"You're not a terrible person."

Sniffling into my shoulder, she just shook her head.

"Cly, you can tell me anything. I'm here for the long haul."

I felt her face shift in the crook in of my neck. Her lips grazed my skin as she tilted her head so her mouth wouldn't be muffled by my hoodie. A shiver ran up my spine as I waited for her to speak.

"Sometimes…I envy you Jack. You didn't remember, you didn't have to see all the pain after you died. I know it sounds terrible and selfish, and I would never want to forget them, but remembering is so painful. I wouldn't trade my memories for anything, but it just hurts so much…sometimes remembering can be a curse."

I honestly wasn't sure what to say to that. There wasn't any way to sugar coat it or make it better, because it was the truth. Remembering can bring more pain. Finding out I had a family brought me such joy, but at times it left a stinging pain in chest. One hole was filled while another was created. Granted all I have are bits of memories. Cly remembers everything. I was at a loss on what to say. I felt responsible for bringing her to this point and now I didn't have anything to say to comfort her. But something told me to just listen and hold her tighter, so I did. We just stayed like that, enveloped in each other's arms, for I don't know how long. But I was happy to wait. I was more than happy and relieved that I was holding her in my arms. To just comfort her meant everything in this moment. I continuously rubbed her back as more of her tears soaked my skin and the fabric of my hoodie.

"It sounds selfish doesn't it?"

Rolling my head to the side, I tried to look at her, but I couldn't due to how close we were.

"What do you mean?"

"Complaining when I had a second chance a life—that I was able to live over ten lifetimes and be able to be with my family until their last breath…Heh, at first they couldn't understand why I wasn't happy. I would be in their lives forever and I was the guardian of the earth. What more could you want for someone you love?...but what they didn't realize is, eventually, I was going to be left alone. And when they finally understood, it broke their hearts," she croaked.

Fisting my hoodie in her hands, she continued. "If I was just more watchful of Oak. If I just did something different, then they wouldn't have gone through all that. And Oak—Oak wouldn't blame himself…but then I wouldn't have met you or Bunny, or North, or Tooth, or Sandy…it's just all so messed up."

Cupping the back of her head, I ran my fingers through her hair. "It's ok to be confused. It's ok to miss them and wish things ended up different—"

"But if I wish I didn't die then I wouldn't have met you," she said pulling away from me.

Cly's arms were now resting on my shoulders. Her face was a dusted with red and smeared with tears. The veins in her eyes were a bloody crimson as they stared into mine.

"I'm just…I don't know how to feel. If I live, I'm with my family, but if I do live, I lose you. I lose you all…I lose someone no matter what I choose," she cried as she cupped my face.

Placing my hands over her trembling fingers, my eyes never left hers. She was carrying so much pain.

Licking my dry lips, my fingers curled around hers. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry you have to face this. But maybe that's why it's been so hard. There is no good answer. There isn't a correct path. But maybe that's what you have to accept. Accept that there isn't a right choice and it's ok to want both. That doesn't make you selfish, it just means you love them—that you love us."

Lowering her hands from my face, she laced our fingers together. Her gaze then shifted to our joined hands. "…You're right."

Finally looking back up at me a small smile was etched on her tear stained face. And this time it wasn't fake.

"It's nice to hear it from someone else you know. I think I knew it was okay to want both, but sometimes I wondered if I was just telling that to myself so I could feel better."

"I'm always here to help. Always," I said giving her hands a gentle squeeze.

Closing her eyes, she leaned her head against my chest. "But it still hurts."

I wrapped my arms around her and rested my chin on the top her head. "I know. I'm sorry it still hurts. But I'm not going anywhere. I'm here with you every step of the way."

As she laid slumped in my arms, I could feel the heat of her body seeping into mine. I gently caressed her wings which draped over her back. "Can…can we just lay here for a bit? I don't… I don't feel like going to dinner just yet."

Patting her back, I nodded my head. "Sure thing."

I wasn't sure what position she was looking for, but per usual Cly took the reins. Gently guiding me back, I reclined on the large window seat, with her resting against my chest. Thankfully, it was large enough to accommodate us both, but no matter what size it was, I was more than happy to have Cly this close. My heart skipped a beat as she snuggled into my chest and closed her eyes. I couldn't even describe what I felt. Despite being blunt, Cly could be a closed off person when it comes to being vulnerable. And for her to let me see her like this, at her lowest point—to just lay out everything in front me, allowing me to see her inner most thoughts and fears, and to just trust me with her heart…it made my heart swell knowing I gained this huge amount of trust. I was getting to see a Cly that most people didn't get the chance to see.

"Thanks Jack, for everything."

I let my arm drape around her as I gently caressed her back. "You don't need to thank me. I love you."

Realizing what I just said, I immediately looked down at her face. Cly's eyes were now open and she appeared as though she was processing what I just said. She looked unsure if I meant platonic love or something else. She's said the same phrase to Bunny, and the rest of the guardians, so I wasn't sure if she was going to overthink my statement. In a situation such as this, it seems like something a friend would say, especially between close friends. And to be honest, I do have an unconditional platonic love for Cly, but I'd be lying if that was all I felt when I said those three words. Either way, I knew she knew I meant it—whatever love she decided I meant.

Oh gosh, I shouldn't have said that. I don't need to give her something else to think about. Why do I have to complicate things—

"I love you too Jack."

She said it with such certainty. It rolled off her tongue as though she didn't give it a second thought. Her voice was so matter of fact, I didn't even need to question if she meant it. I may not know what kind of love she was expressing with those words, but it still didn't stop the warmth that spread throughout my heart. In that moment as I held her in my arms, nothing could have felt more right.

Hope you liked the new chapter! I'm hoping to get the next chapter out by at least the end of June. With everything going on recently, I've been quite preoccupied. However, I shall still find time to write! Thank you all for still sticking with this story! Also, despite having an end game for this story, if you have any ideas, throw them my way. I'm always open to adding or changing things! See you all in the next update!

Cly

**********reviews**********

Awesomo3000: YES I LIVEEEEE. College took me for ride, but I least got an art degree out of it haha. I'm so happy you liked the chapter and are continuing to take the time to read my work! I apologize for such a slow burn, but just pushing them together didn't seem to do their relationship justice. Even though their relationship is still a bit ambiguous as of now (even with the possible love declarations), I hope this chapter gave you a little somethin'. Hope you liked it and thanks for reviewing!