Chapter 30

Tim sat on the floor. He had aimed for the couch and missed and then just sat there. He didn't know how long he'd been sitting there, but he'd get up eventually. He had promised to eat and he knew he had eaten at some point.

Every time he tried to think through everything that had happened, to try and let it go, he became infuriated again. It was probably a good thing he didn't have a gun with him. He would have wanted to go and find his guard and shoot him a few times. In nonvital areas first. Let him suffer. Bleed out. ...like Ray. He tamped down on that thought.

But he didn't have a gun.

Because they'd taken him when he couldn't have been armed.

Because they wanted what he could do and they didn't care about him at all.

And the fury rose again.

And the person who had got him out had died for it.

The fury intensified.

He thought about getting up, but he didn't think it would help. Really, it might just lead to him breaking something, and he didn't want to do that since this wasn't his place.

Then, the front door opened.

"Tim."

The weak voice shocked him and he scrambled to his feet and turned around to see Levi standing there.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"It's my cabin, Tim," Levi said, smiling slightly. "Just because I said you could use it if you needed it, that doesn't mean I'll never come back to it again."

"But why are you here? You don't look very good."

"I'm not," Levi said. "Actually, I think I'll sit down."

He walked forward and then sank onto the couch, looking relieved to be sitting.

"You really don't look like you should be here, Levi," Tim said, feeling a pang since he knew it was his fault that Levi was like that.

"Heart failure will do that do you," Levi said. "But I need to be here."

"Why?"

"Because you are."

Tim shook his head. "No. You don't need to be here for me." The last thing he wanted was someone sacrificing for him again.

"Yes, I do."

"Why?"

"Because you need me to be."

Tim shook his head again and turned away. He didn't want the reminder of what had happened the last time he had needed help.

"Tim, you're destroying yourself."

"I'm just getting some time alone. That's all."

"And that time will get longer and longer until you separate yourself from everything that makes life worth living. I'm not going to let that happen."

"No. I just need to stay away until I can stop..." He felt the anger swell up. "... until I can stop wanting to kill the people who did that to me... who killed Ray."

He started to walk away.

"No, Tim. That will never happen with what you're doing."

"How would you know?"

There was a pause.

"You don't have to be like me. Remember?"

Tim turned around.

"No, this isn't like that."

"Yes, it is, Tim," Levi said. "You may not be in as bad straits as you were the first time, but you're broken, and you need to admit it."

"No. I'm not. I'm just angry."

"Yes."

"You don't know everything."

"No, I don't, but your friends would all say the same thing if they saw you now. They were there the first time, too."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that you're not hiding anything from me like you did from your wife."

"I'll poison her if I go home like this. I'll ruin everything for her."

"No, you'll die of the poison yourself if you don't leave now."

"No! I looked at her and she's so beautiful and I can't destroy that because of how I feel. I let myself hate them. I let myself hate them so much that I nearly choked on it. I was seconds away from just attacking them and letting them kill me. I even punched out my guard once because I just couldn't hold it back anymore. The only reason I'm not dead is because they still needed to use me. I hate them so much that it's a black pit inside. I'm not going to go home until I can stop hating. I told myself I wouldn't give in to hate because I know what it does to me. I let it do that to me and I have to stop before I..."

He started to walk away again.

"Tim, you're not Ray Cruz."

Tim felt as though he'd been stabbed. He stopped midstride and just stood there.

"You are not the same as Ray, and your situation is not the same. You wanted to help him. That's great. When I called him, I was attempting to do the same thing. I wanted to give him a chance to do something positive. I didn't want him to die doing it, but this may have been the best he could have had."

"That's not true! He could have..."

"Tim, you're not the same as Ray, and you gave him the best comfort he could have had in that moment. You told him that he'd done enough. Will God agree? I don't know, but you gave him a measure of peace before he died and that's the best he could have had."

"Before they killed him," Tim said, again feeling the rising anger.

"And he died to save you."

Levi was saying everything so calmly that Tim wanted to turn around and beat him to a bloody pulp, just to get him to show something.

"Tim, you've broken. Seeing Ray die for you broke you, not in the same way as before, but you're not thinking clearly. You're trying to get rid of something that you can't face on your own, and part of you knows it, but you don't want the fight. You're tired of the fight, and you feel guilty. You think that you can somehow make up for what happened by fixing yourself, by separating yourself from the people you think you'll hurt. But think of this. What will Zahara do in a couple of months when she has your child? Will you leave her alone to face that? Will you make her raise your children alone as my wife ended up having to do because I thought it would somehow be better for them if I never showed just how much they meant to me? How much anger do you have to let go before it's safe to go home? How much guilt do you have to remove before you won't hurt anyone because of how you feel?"

Tim felt like he couldn't even move as Levi kept asking him questions.

Then, he heard a soft tread behind him and Levi turned him around with deceptively strong hands. He looked Tim in the eye.

"Are you willing to turn into me?" he asked. "So closed off from the world that it took near death to let me out again? Are you willing to face that Tim?"

Tim said nothing.

"You have to decide because you are headed that way. I don't care how many times you tell yourself that it's different. It is different because you and I are different people, but what you're doing is turning yourself into me and I don't want that for you. Looking back now, I don't want it for myself. It didn't end up doing anything that I thought it would. My son still died. My daughter still was captured and tortured. My wife still suffered pain. ...only all that happened without my support instead of with it. Is that what you want for Zahara? For Salma? For your child when it's born?"

Levi suddenly closed his eyes and his breathing sped up. He let Tim go and staggered backward. Tim grabbed for him and helped him sit on the couch again. He took a few deep breaths.

Tim sat down beside him, watching Levi carefully to make sure he was okay.

After a few minutes, Levi opened his eyes and saw that Tim was sitting there. He smiled a little.

"Give me a week and I'll be back to normal," he said, softly. "I just forget that I'm not back to normal quite yet."

"You shouldn't have come," Tim said.

Levi took a deep breath and sat up.

"Tim, I will always come if I'm needed, and I don't care if you say I'm not. I know I am and just like Tamara, there's nothing you can do that will keep me from being where I'm needed. You need someone to break through this wall you've built. It's not the anger that scares you as much as the guilt you feel. Ray died to save you. I exerted myself too much to help. And it brought back everything you felt before and you can't handle it. That's fine, you know. That's why you get help. In fact, you have a psychiatrist whose job is to help you. You've accepted his help for years. Why not now?"

Levi leaned back against the couch again, looking tired. Tim felt something building up inside him. He didn't want to let it out, but it was becoming more and more insistent with everything that Levi was saying. He got up from the couch and started walk away again.

"There's nowhere you can go to escape, Tim. Not from what's inside you."

It was like everything Levi said was an invisible tether, keeping him from getting away. He stopped. Then, he sank to his knees, still facing away from Levi. He started to shake again, like he had in the hospital when it was all so close, so heavy and so intense that it had choked him.

"I-I can't let this go. Every time I get my life in order, someone comes and steals it from me again. I can't do this, and if I'm here..."

"What?"

"...then... no one w-will know when I hunt them down and kill them... anyone who wants to take my life away from me again."

The feeling of being smothered by what he was feeling was so intense that Tim almost couldn't breathe.

"...until I'm obsolete or dead." Then, suddenly he was shouting. "I can't do that anymore! I can't take it! I can't live that way!"

And all his energy left him. The manic energy that had carried him through his departure from the hospital, his drive here and every moment since. That energy he only touched when he was falling apart. Every bit of him that he'd been using to hold back the rising tide, all of it was gone and suddenly he was sobbing. He couldn't even stay upright. He fell over onto the floor, knowing he looked ridiculous and not caring one bit that he did.

He didn't even care that it was Levi Carew watching him. Levi, the person who always was in control of himself. It was like the two of them were polar opposites and Tim couldn't take the strain any longer. All control was gone as if it had never been there.

He didn't know how long he lay there, sobbing until he felt like he shouldn't have any tears left, but he couldn't hear anything besides the roaring in his ears as he cried out his pain.

Then, there were gentle arms around him, hands lifting him up from the floor. For a moment he tried to resist. He knew whose hands they were.

But the hands were firm and strong and they lifted him up and encircled him tightly.

All the while, he cried, unable to stop.

After a while, he heard a voice speaking.

"Ana huna, Tim. Ana huna."

"No, Zahara," he whispered, almost unable to speak through his tears. "No."

"Yes, Tim. I will not leave you this time."

"What I've done... what I feel..."

"Does not change who you are."

"I hate them, Zahara. I want to kill them."

"But you will not, although they deserve it."

Then, he felt Zahara take hold of his hand and move it to her stomach. He tried to pull away, but she wouldn't let him go. She held her hand there and he felt his son kick.

"Your son will come soon. He will love you. You will love him. There is not only hate inside you, and you will get the help you need to see it. Feel your son. He is alive. He is something beautiful in the world that is dark to you."

Then, he felt her hand on his cheek, gently stroking the scars there, wiping away the tears, and he opened his eyes and saw his wife. Zahara was there, looking sad but not frightened.

"I didn't want you to see me... this way," he whispered.

"I wanted to see you. I do not care how you look. I do not care if it is hard for you or if you are angry. I am here and I promised Salma I would bring her baba home."

Tim shook his head.

"No, I can't do that to her," he whispered through his tears, even as he ached to see his daughter again.

"She will help you, too. And then, tomorrow, you will speak to anyone who will help you, and you will start to get better."

Zahara's calm insistence began to break through his anguish.

"Tim, you must come home. It will be late, but you must."

Tim didn't want to agree, but at the same time, he did. The pull in both directions was almost as bad as everything else.

He closed his eyes again.

After a moment, Zahara moved away from him, although he could tell she hadn't moved very far. And someone else took her place.

"We won't leave you alone, Tim."

Tim's eyes snapped open and there was Gibbs. He hadn't expected Gibbs to be there, of all people. With Levi.

"What... are you doing here, Boss?"

"Carew can't drive," Gibbs said and smiled a little.

Tim tried to smile, but he didn't make it.

"I can't do it anymore, Boss. I can't."

"Then, you won't. We'll figure something out, but you're not running away, Tim. I'll chase you down, if I have to. You're not running away. You're going home."

Tim shook his head yet again.

"Yes. And you need real rest. You need to sleep and you need people with you. You asked for us not to leave you alone before. We won't now, either."

"I hate them."

"Good. So do I."

Then, Gibbs proved that his approach was very different from Zahara's gentle, but determined persuasion. Gibbs grabbed Tim by the arms and lifted him to his feet.

"You're going to the hospital or you're going home, Tim. One or the other. Those are the only options. Which one?"

"No."

"Yes. Only those two choices. Pick one. Home or hospital?"

And then, Zahara stepped in.

"He is going home so that he can be with his family."

She held out one hand, the other resting on her rounded belly...and then, she smiled.

"Come home, Tim. Do not let them keep you in prison when you are free. Come home."

And finally, Tim could see that there was no way he would be allowed to stay here. He didn't really want to, but he was afraid of what he'd do to his family. ...and yet...

He stepped toward Zahara and took her hand. She pulled him close and began to urge him to the door.

"Come, ya hubbī," she said. "You will sleep at home."

"I don't know if I can sleep," Tim said.

"You will. The doctor suggested sleeping pills. You can take them for now."

"I'll dream."

"Yes, and I will be with you to keep the dreams away."

Tim stopped resisting and walked out of the cabin, Zahara's arms around him. When they got to the car, he paused.

"You're not driving, Tim. You shouldn't have been driving before," Gibbs said. "We'll get your car, later."

Tim didn't really want to leave his car here, but he could see he didn't have a choice, so he said nothing.

Then, he noticed that Gibbs was physically helping Levi around to the passenger side of the car, and he didn't seem bothered by it. For the first time, Tim wondered what had happened during his absence.

...but that led to the other things he didn't want to think about so he pushed it away and got into the back seat. Zahara sat right beside him, and as they started driving, she began to stroke his arm and hum softly a song he knew.

"Sleep," she whispered. "It is not only angels who will watch you, but I will."

Gently, she tilted his head down so it was leaning on her shoulder.

"I don't want to sleep and dream," he whispered.

"You must sleep and I will be here, right here with you. If you are afraid, you may hold onto me. Relax and sleep."

Then, she continued to hum softly and that, along with the smooth ride in the car, began to lead him toward sleep. He resisted it for a while, but he really was very tired and his body wanted the rest his mind feared.

"Ahabbak, Tim," Zahara whispered, almost inaudibly. "Dā'iman."

And finally, in spite of his fear of it, the music and vibrations led him into sleep.