Two days later, the call came. One Obi-Wan was both dreading and looking forward to.
"General Kenobi." As Cody's life size image filled the dim room with a blue glow, Obi-Wan could practically see the smile under the commander's helmet.
"Commander Cody, what a pleasant surprise."
He cleared his throat, getting straight down to business, lest he break down and tell Cody everything. After all, the man wasn't a Jedi… he might understand what Obi-Wan had endured on Jakku, what he'd wanted so badly to do.
He might even sympathize…
Tempting as the idea was, Obi-Wan pressed forward. "Was the mission successful?"
"Yes, sir, only…" As if by a sudden weight, Cody's tone was dragged down, and he removed his helmet solemnly, "the 212th took heavy casualties."
"I see." Blast it! If I had only been there—"I'm sorry, commander."
Cody only nodded.
"I'm sorry I wasn't—"
"It's good to see you again, General."
The statement caught Obi-Wan by surprise, as did the smile slowly spreading across Cody's face. For the first time, Obi-Wan wondered what part his commander had played during the search for him. Had the ordeal affected the soldier as it obviously had Anakin?
"It's good to see you too, Cody."
"Do you, uh,"—Cody cleared his throat—"happen to know when you might return to the action? The boys are all quite eager to see you in person again." It's been far too long.
Obi-Wan heard the unspoken thought as clear as though it had been his.
Perhaps it had been.
"Unfortunately, I'm on extended furlough for the moment, which I suppose is merely the Council's way of telling me to stay put until I recover."
For a moment, Cody hesitated, as if unsure whether he wanted to ask the question that was burning against the forefront of his mind—against everyone's mind, blast it!
"... Are you all right, sir?"
And there it was.
"Yes, Cody, I feel fine. I'm practically as good as new, I just can't get anyone else to see that."
"Maybe… that's because you're not…? With all due respect, General, you have a tendency to downplay your injuries."
He didn't know what to say to that. Of course, it was true, but he hadn't known it was common knowledge.
"Yes, well, I can assure you that, besides a few lingering bruises, I'm perfectly fine."
Cody nodded again, a flash of pain dancing across his eyes. It was gone before Obi-Wan could comment on it, but its meaning remained.
"Cody…" he began carefully, "none of what happened was your fault. You know that, don't you?"
"Yes, sir, I do. I mean, I think I do. It's just hard to remember sometimes. I was called back to the front halfway through the search, sir, and Rex, well, he told me some of what happened."
Obi-Wan forced himself not to suck in a sharp breath, even though he found himself in desperate need of air. "No one is to blame for what happened, except those pirates, perhaps. And in the end, they didn't even get away with the credits. Anakin saw to it they were brought back to Coruscant and they should be arriving on Sarrish within the next five hours. Would it be too much to ask you to wait there until they arrive?"
"It would be my pleasure, general. The boys and I are still cleaning up, anyway."
Obi-Wan smiled gratefully. "Thank you, Cody."
"Of course, sir. And…" he hesitated again, just as Anakin had the other night. "If you ever need someone to talk to, you know I'm always here."
"I'll certainly keep that in mind." The sound of his own false cheer was making him physically ill. "Thank you."
With a salute, Cody cut the communication.
Obi-Wan couldn't bring himself to move for the next few moments. He was numb, nauseous, and his emotions were in turmoil.
Cody knows. How much does Cody know? How much does Rex know?
How much does anyone know?
Trying desperately not to let fear take control, he put on his Jedi robe and emerged from his lonely cave.
With each Jedi he passed by in the halls, Obi-Wan found himself wondering how much they knew, if anything.
Stop it! You're going to drive yourself insane with all this needless wondering. No one knows what you did on Jakku, and certainly no one knows what kinds of dreadful thoughts went through your mind during that time.
How could they? People only know what you tell them.
And you haven't told anyone anything.
Maybe that was the problem, having all those horrid memories locked in his mind, saturating his conscience with lies and shame.
They're not judging you, he tried to convince himself. They don't know. They don't know.
You're still as much of a Jedi as you were before. You're still a Jedi.
You're still…
Squeezing his eyes shut, Obi-Wan took several calming breaths, releasing his emotions into the Force.
Reveling in the fact that he could even feel the Force again, feel its calming, stable presence surrounding him.
And all he had to do was reach out.
There is no death, there is Force.
There is no death, there is—
Another Jedi passed by, a Master. A member of the Council.
He nodded to her out of respect, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything. Because she knew—she must've known. After all, who else would have given Anakin clearance to search for him if not the Council?
It was probably his imagination—it had to have been—but he could've sworn an expression of pity crossed her face as she passed.
Is there nowhere I can go in this blasted temple where I won't have to endure such pitiful looks?
The battlefield.
On the battlefield, no one would look at anyone like that.
Even when he was wounded, Cody never looked at him like Master Shaak Ti had. His men never pitied him when he limped away from a lightsaber duel.
The battlefield is your only escape. It's the only place you can make a difference.
It's the only place you can be whole.
There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no passion, there is—
"Obi-Wan!" Anakin's voice sent irritated shivers down his spine, forcing him to take another calming breath.
He's only trying to help. He's only trying—
If he really wanted to help, he'd stop pushing me to talk about what happened. It's Zigoola all over again.
"Obi-Wan! I've been looking all over for you!" Anakin panted, finally catching up to his Master.
"Well, here I am," Obi-Wan retorted.
Stang! Pull yourself together! He doesn't deserve to be the reciprocant of your annoyance.
"Yeah… Okay. So, what are you up to today?"
"Oh, well, I thought I'd start the day by meditating—I've been doing a lot of that lately—then I'll eat lunch before I meditate again. And then I think I might take another riveting stroll around the entire temple, which should take some time, and then I'll eat dinner. Then I'll meditate some more because I'm sure the first two sessions won't help any, and third time's the charm, right? Then I'll wander around a bit more before returning to my room to read, though I doubt I'll be able to concentrate. And finally, I'll try sleeping, but who knows how that will go."
By the time he'd finished with his small tirade, Obi-Wan was out of breath and Anakin was semi-speechless.
"Whoa, Obi-Wan… Cool down, okay? We can… make things more interesting today, if that'll help."
"And how do you suggest we do that?" He sucked in a breath. "I'm sorry, Anakin. I just… haven't been sleeping the best. And I'm tired of being cooped up in this temple, feeling useless. There are so few generals out there already, where is the logic in hiding two away?"
"It's only temporary. Besides, we could all you the rest. You especially."
"Yes, of course, me especially."
"No, I didn't mean it like that," Anakin fumbled. "I only meant—"
"I know what you mean, Anakin, and I'm tired of hearing it! Do you really want to help me 'recover'? Then stop walking on eggshells when you're around me! I'm not fragile. I'm exactly the same as I was before!"
This effectively silenced Anakin, and they continued their walk in an uncomfortable quiet.
"Where's Ahsoka?" Obi-Wan inquired eventually, trying to keep his voice light. "I haven't seen her around today."
"She's on a call with Rex." Anakin rubbed the back of his neck, obviously unsure whether or not to continue. "The council, uh, is sending the 501st out again in a few days."
"And both of you are going to head the mission?"
"Yeah… Look, we really don't want to leave you alone here, but the Council—"
"Orders are orders." Obi-Wan forced a smile. "It's fine, Anakin. I understand."
The young Knight breathed a sigh of relief. "So, you'll be okay here without us?"
"I might get a little bored, but I won't fall to pieces, if that's what you're wondering."
Anakin chuckled. "Well, we are quite entertaining."
"Most of the time." Then, Obi-Wan's smile faded. "I don't see why they won't allow me to return to the battlefield."
"Obi-Wan," Anakin began, all mirth leaving his voice, "you were missing for nearly two weeks."
"Oh please, I wasn't gone that long."
"Are you even hearing yourself?" And there was the classic Anakin explosion he'd been waiting for. It was only a matter of time… "Have you forgotten already? You nearly died!"
"I know, Anakin! And no, I haven't forgotten. Each day, for the rest of my life, I will never forget what happened. No matter how hard I try, the memories will always be there, so I don't need you or anybody else in this blasted temple continuously reminding me of what I can't forget!"
Taken aback for a moment, Anakin simply stared at Obi-Wan, his face a shade paler than before.
"So please," Obi-Wan continued before he lost his nerve, "if you want to help, just let me be. I don't need a bodyguard to keep me from cracking—I already did that, I'm not going to do it again—and I don't need your pity. I don't need anyone's pity! I just need to get past this, and I can't do that with you and Ahsoka hovering over me every hour of the day."
"Look, I didn't ask for this!" Anakin shouted back, recovering from his mild stupor. "All I wanted to do was go to Sarrish, destroy a few droids, and come home. I did not want to scour the worst parts of the galaxy for my best friend, only to find him half-dead on some wasteland! And no, I didn't want to spend every day after battling a crippling anxiety that whispers it all might happen again! You're not the only one affected by this, Obi-Wan. You're not the only one suffering. And the sooner you realize that, the sooner things can go back to normal!"
"How bold of you to assume they even can," Obi-Wan whispered, stunned by Anakin's outburst.
"Can what?"
He stared his Padawan down. "Go back to normal."
Brushing past Anakin, Obi-Wan felt needle-like tears prickling the backs of his eyes.
Get away! Something inside him screamed. Get away from here before you completely break down.
Before any of them see.
Don't let any of them see.