"That's my girl!" Stan shouted as loud as he could. "Show that… uhm.. Guy? Who's boss!"
"She's not even your girl, dude." Soos put in.
"Shut up, Soos."
"Yessir."
Pacifica balanced precariously on one of the wooden beams that stood between her and crumbling concrete, trying to remember about 8 years of gymnastics training (that she had spent much of her life trying to get the hell away from. Sports suck. If it's not minigolf, it sucks.)
The building below her was rapidly devolving into a teetering frame, one of the less articulate, red eyed faces stood below, screaming towards the thirteen year old above it as it sliced through structure after structure.
"Jump, kid!" Stan shouted. "Jump!"
Pacifica blinked and turned to him - a second she should have used jumping clear of the beam plummeting towards that screaming, glowing maw below. She screamed and shot clumsily in the first direction her arm met, leaving her dangling from a muddy overhang on the ceiling above them.
"Oof!" She grunted as the cable pulled taught, nearly taking her shoulders with it.
She puffed and panted, trying to get her nerves together.
Don't look down, don't look do- Oh god, she was pretty sure the thing was trying to spit at her...
The Northwest heir stared up at the grapple, clawed deep into the clodding Oregon dirt. She wasn't sure how thick that stuff was, but at this point, anything further away from that… thing seemed like a positive option.
She pulled the trigger and let it drag her upwards, desperately hoping that hook didn't come unstuck.
Deep breaths deep breaths deep breaths…
She wheezed in relief as she reached the top of the cable, and had to dig her hands into the very same dirt, scrambling up onto the ledge.
Pacifica Northwest, usually so pristine and perfect, was filthy; head to toe in thick smears of damp clay and hard, gritty rock soil. At this point, it was properly in her hair, in her ears, in her fingernails…
Eugh.
She wrenched the hook free and shot inarticulately again - this time, to no avail.
The grapple bopped against one of the buildings and promptly brought it down - the structural integrity apparently not quite up to the force of a hook being shot from a gun.
Great.
She looked around frantically for another way - another, more solid foot hold in her climbing wall to the surface. The Plaza was practically obliterated; nothing more than piles of rubble, at this point. She blew her hair out of her face and huffed as her eyes scanned the space. To her view, all that was left was knocking out that pipe and starting the gas leak, as Stan had suggested.
The problem was she didn't really know how to do that and get out of there in one piece.
She could see the Pines watching her; and, frankly, she didn't appreciate it. This was in no way her finest hour. Look at the state of her clothes and her make up! Look at her hair! She looked gross, she looked a mess, she looked hopelessly inexperienced and she felt about ready to give in.
Curzon thrashed against the streaks of clay on the other side of the plaza, the multiple faces trying to direct him towards the blonde as he continued to scream and wail like a banshee, spitting his acidic blue saliva.
Suddenly, he spun into a 180 and flew towards Pacifica herself, colliding with the earth like a pneumatic hammer.
Wham!
Pacifica screamed and scrambled out of the way, gripping hold of the walls. Now she was hyperventilating.
Dipper chewed his shirt as he watched the entire endeavour take place. Mabel was taking polaroids, as was her way, and Stan grinning like a proud father watching his adopted child commit their first act of wanton destruction.
Which, well, wasn't too far from the truth.
Wham!
Curzon continued his blinded assault, slamming himself against the muddy pit that surrounded them - rattling more masonry and stone from the ceiling above them, exposing more thick Oregon soil and exposed pipework. A particularly large roundel of concrete - at least a foot thick - fell to the floor with a horrendous crash, hitting one of the rearmost faces along his body with a grotesque squelch.
Everyone grimaced and looked away as Curzon broke into an even louder, ground shaking roar of pain. Pacifica was pretty sure she could hear car alarms beginning to set off on the surface.
Wendy looked down at that giant, round, broken slab, splattered in it was with discoloured Curzon entrails, while everybody else looked away, and raised an eyebrow. It was covered in a rivet marks - slightly rusted, burnished. Like it had been attached to something metallic. It looked like a giant cork or a plug. Her eyes looked up to the area around the gas main.
"Does anybody have a phone with decent zoom, or a telescope, or ...something?"
"Oh yeah, sure. Let me get my emergency telescope." Stan rolled his eyes.
There was a pause.
"Here." He grinned, slipping it out of his jacket.
"Of course you have that." Tyler sighed with exasperation, his head buried into his hands.
"I'm a seaman, short-shorts. 'Course I do."
"A what?"
"Eh. Forget it."
Wendy held the telescope to her eye and took a stick of gum from her pocket as she scanned the area - followed by a broad grin. She held her hand to her mouth and shouted. "Paz! Swing left! Just swing for the pipe!"
Pacifica's eyes widened as she looked down at Wendy, staring in the leftmost direction and seeing literally no avenue out of there. "Wh..what?!"
"Swing left! Swing left and knock the pipe out!"
"But if I do that, I'll just-"
"Just do it! Trust me!"
The blonde gulped, still wedging herself against the wall - trying to decipher whatever Wendy had put together. Great. Wendy of all people wanted to tell her how to save the day. Wendy Corduroy, who Dipper had just tried to cuddle.
She winced. Trusting Dipper's ex-obsession, no matter how unrequited that obsession was, was not something she wanted to do today, and she'd already had to confront that more than once. Pacifica Northwest was still someone pretty prone to holding grudges, and still someone pretty prone for...well, being a bit petty.
She tried to stop twisting her lip and glaring, and she had listened to Wendy's little lecture as best as she could but…
Goddammit.
Fine.
She watched as Curzon frittered around the demolished marketplace, trying to find Pacifica - who stayed just out of eyeline from the other faces. With no more buildings left for him to tear down, it was fair to say even a colossal creature such as him was likely to start tiring. Besides, part of him seemed to be completely pinned under that enormous slab of concrete.
Pacifica looked back up at the pipe.
Fine.
"Get out of here, you guys!" She shouted.
"She's gonna do it." Wendy grinned.
"Prolly time we get out of here then." Stan grinned, hefting Dipper onto his shoulder.
"Ow, ow, arm- wait, what's Pacifica doing?"
"Blowing up the joint."
"What?!"
"Sheesh, Dippy, I know a building landed on your head but keep it together, huh?"
"No way, Stan, put me down! I need to-"
"She's gotten this far, kid. She can handle it. Besides, if I put you down how are you gonna get up there?"
Dipper stared up at his girlfriend as she positioned herself for her next swing.
"See you on the other side, Pacifica!" Wendy yelled. "You've got this!"
"Yeah!" Mabel joined in. "Blow the creepy worm dude up!"
"I'm really not sure about this!" Tyler shouted.
"Ah, shaddap, Mayor. You're insured, aintcha?"
"Stanley, you can't be serious! I can't believe any of this is happening!"
"Dude, you should see Mabel's scrapbook. This is just like a normal tuesday." Soos grinned.
Dipper's brow furrowed. His eyes darted back and forth. His heart was in his throat. He took a deep breath and decided to forget about the potential embarrassment.
"I love you!" Dipper shouted at the top of his voice, pointing almost accusingly. "Don't you dare die!"
Pacifica froze and looked down at him, her cheeks flushed and a smile crawling across her face - trying to ignore the cooing of approval from Mabel, who was now doing a little celebration dance while running simultaneously.
Y'know what?
She could do this.
She was a frickin' hero's girlfriend.
The Pines family was soon out of view, down one of many tunnels leading to the Crawlspace's exists in the Oregon Forest. She watched them until she was certain there was no chance of Mabel running back to grab a gross bug soda or something, took a deep breath and swung.
Curzon was still howling in agony. Having one of your heads crushed by a half ton of concrete will do that to people.
Well, it'd kill most people, but in this case, well - Curzon wasn't even a person. it was probably just like, really, really painful.
She had her moment.
Pacifica shot the hook towards the gas main and grinned as it flew around the rusted pipe - causing it to grind loudly as the metal scraped its way across the oxidised surface. She was getting pretty good at this. She figured that there probably weren't many repair men coming up to The Crawlspace to swap out old pipes. That made sense, right?
It would just be a case of trying to get the thing leaking.
The hook pulled her up to the pipeline. It took only one quick movement to sit astride the giant pipeline and take a closer look. She gave it a kick, and, as expected, it didn't respond outside of a hollow clang. She grunted as she tried to turn the valve, but nothing happened.
Great.
Just aside it, she saw exactly what Wendy had spotted - there, no longer plugged by solid concrete, was a manhole. A metal tube with a rusted, filthy ladder to Geron Street.
Sure, it made her cringe to even consider scrambling her way up a tunnel like some kind of sewer rat - but she had been down one that drooled and coughed up squirrels twice today.
It was a… Lesser of two evils.
She fixed her eyes back down to that precarious gas pipe she was perching across, peppered as it was with rust and dents. She could hear it, faintly - that weird rumbling sound that gas pipelines seemed to make, a sort of echoing growl that felt like a disaster waiting to happen.
Whoa, Pacifica, hang on - you're basically sitting on a bomb.
Not the time, Pacifica.
Pacifica, you're sitting on a bomb, there is no better time to realise you're sitting on a bomb.
Shut up. I've just gotta do this.
For what? A bunch of poor people!
And my boyfriend!
Who cuddled that damned Redhead!
...Great. I'm going crazy.
She tried to silence her thoughts and slammed her boot into the valve, causing more gas to rush through the pipe and… literally nothing else. She wasn't going to try punching the damned thing, what was the point?
No, it was time for her to use one of her greatest talents.
Sass.
"Curzon!" She clawed a chunk of dirt from above her and threw it at him. "Over here, you overgrown pool noodle!"
Curzon hissed and spun to face her, spitting his foul blue phlegm at her. Pacifica yelped and scooted back as the acidic substance flew past her.
"Missed! Try again before I get the bug spray, creep!"
Another glob of blue spit flew by her, almost brushing the tip of her nose.
Ew, Ew, Ew, Pacifica, stop what are you doing this is so gross-
"Wow, Curzon, you are the worst at this! What's wrong, cat got your eyes?... Oh wait." She gave a smug grin. "Guess that makes me a cat."
Another slime ball flew up, splattered onto the pipe's valve and began to fizz and bubble. She watched as the first layer of rust was eaten up by the corrosive substance, smoking gently and powdering, dropping little clouds of bright orange dust.
"Oh noooo, my finest shirt sleeve… Try again if you think you can do better, dork!"
By now, the creature had lost all of its accent, lost any jovial nature - and had lost the entirety of its patience. Still pinned down by a good ton of concrete, it could only spit, hiss and roar at the impertinent young girl that dared to expose him - dared to ruin the greatest scam Gravity Falls had ever seen.
"You might think you're smart, Northwest - but you're nothing without the Pines. You're just a pathetic prissy little rich girl, being validated by a family of heroes!"
He snorted, filled his enormous mouth with neon blue mucus and spat.
Another thick, gelatinous booger, at least the size of Pacifica's head, flew up and hit the valve square on with a sickening splutch. Pacifica tried to restrain herself from wanting to puke, and watched as it began to eat into the metal with a similar urgency.
The fizzling lasted a little longer - and, this time, the gas began to spurt through in a gentle, pressurised burst - blowing out the little bit of metal piping.
Hisssssssssssss
There it was.
The blonde smiled at her own little achievement - then shot the grapple towards the little metal walkway and its handlebars. She was still far from the expert Mabel could claim to be, and her aim was lousy - but It caught after the third or fourth try. She grunted as she gave it a firm tug, trying to make sure it was at least solid enough to take her. It was a leap of faith, to be sure. But this time, Pacifica wasn't interested in the odds. Odds and coincidences had done nothing for her. She was only interested in getting out of there and back to the family she had saved the skin of.
At the very least, they might let her have a few hours in a bubble bath or something.
She cautiously wiped her hands on her dress, by now completely beyond any feelings of preserving her clothing, gripped the grappling gun firmly, and swung, while Curezon kept spitting and horking up unpleasant blobs of bright blue sludge at her.
She scrambled up the ladder as quickly as she could - and, just as she reached the top handrail, a firm hand grabbed hers.
She looked up at the beaming faces of Stan, Soos, Wendy, Dipper and Mabel, crowded around the manhole.
"Up you come, kid." Stan grinned, lifting her up. "Nice job."
Curzon kept spitting and hissing mercilessly, his eardrum rattling voice echoing across the crawl space and up that narrow little passage to the street. Pacifica looked down, able to see the blinded, furious, creature below.
"You're just a worthless little rich girl pretending to be someone she isn't! Dipper Pines is the boy that turns the wheels in this town! You're nothing, Northwest! Nothing!"
"You wanna do the honours?" Stan asked as he pulled out a box of matches.
Pacifica looked at them, back at him, then beamed.
"Hey! Ugly!" She shouted. "You're right, I am nothing without the Pines. But y'know what's great about Dipper and I?"
"I'll kill you, Pacifica Northwest! I'll rip you apart! I'll curse every single thing you love and care for-"
"Ugh. The actual answer is that we're a perfect match."
She struck the match on the packet, then set the entire box alight and dropped it down the manhole. Soos scraped the lid back over with his foot and dusted his hands. "There, dudes."
He looked up to see the entire extended family wedged into his pickup truck with fearful stares.
"Uh, Soos? Might wanna shake your hams, huh?"
"Oh, oh yeah, right. Sorry, Mr. Pines."
The large hairless man ran to the truck and stepped on it - the vehicle screeched, swayed on its rear tires then sped off down Geron street.
"How long does gas usually take to explode?" Mabel asked.
"Eh, depends on how much gas there is in there." Stan shrugged.
"Oh, dudes, trust me. I've been to, like, Taco Bell so many times, and it never gets better. It'll take like a few minutes, but goes right thr-"
Dipper and Mabel stared out of the rear window as an enormous explosion ripped through the entirety of Geron Street - buildings, asphalt, stone and brick flying skyward as a huge crater was burst open in the middle of Gravity Falls.
"I'm surprised the mayor even let us do that." Dipper mumbled.
"Oh yeah, he uh… didn't." Stan shrugged. "He's tied up in the broom cupboard at the shack."
"...Great." The kid in the lumberjack hat sighed and looked to his girlfriend, who was a bit busy closing her eyes and trying to erase about two days' worth of mental scarring.
His eyes fixed on her adoringly as he took one of her clay smothered hands. "You're awesome."
"Just doing my job, Dippingsauce." Pacifica smiled, exhaling deeply and shifting a little closer to him.
"What job's that?" Dipper smiled, resting his head against hers.
"Keeping your butt out of trouble."