Chapter Twenty-Seven

I told the boys to use the living room to change out of their armor while I changed into pajamas in the bedroom. I no longer felt comfortable changing around them, especially Kirito. They've all seen my underclothes the many times I've switched armors in front of them, including from the recent boss battle, but for some reason everything felt different now. Probably because it was.

I knew Stark forgave me for going AWOL, he had always been the forgiving kind. Charr had mostly forgiven me, though I knew he was still quite angry with my lack of communication. Not only that, but also for being unable to find me due to me turning off my location. Kirito… I honestly didn't care if he did. I was still keeping my emotional distance from him. I wouldn't survive a third broken heart, if I even wanted to take that risk again with him. But that was something I would have to decide, and I was too tired to make that decision right now.

A soft knock on the door brought me back from my thoughts. I opened it to find Kirito standing there. He had his head hanging down by his shoulders and his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his pants. The same dark gray shirt and black pants that he wore the last time we spent a night together draped across his slight frame.

I briefly saw his eyes through his bangs as he took in my appearance. I wore a simple gray t-shirt with a pair of shorts that came down to my knees. Nothing fancy or revealing, I was dressed for sleeping, after all. I wanted to giggle when I realized we matched.

I opened the door further, wordlessly inviting him in. Yui was sprawled out across the bed closest to the window, leaving the bed closest to the door for us to share. I let out a tired sigh as I pulled the covers down and crawled into the side closest to Yui, and closed my eyes.

After a few minutes of not feeling the bed dip from Kirito joining me, I whispered to him in frustration, "Are you going to sleep standing up or are you going to come to bed?"

"I can… Uh… I don't have to…" He stuttered out quietly so as not to wake Yui.

"Don't be ridiculous. It's not the first time we've shared a bed. I ain't gonna murder you in your sleep." I grumped, still facing the window behind my daughter. In my tired state my American accent came out in full force, I wasn't even sure if my whole sentence was in Japanese or if some of my reply was in English. I was so ready for this night to be over.

Finally, I felt the bed bounce and sway as Kirito climbed in behind me. For the first time in a month, I felt my body fully relax. It knew that Kirito was there and would have my back if danger came for us, even if my mind refused to believe it. I sighed again, this time with a small smile on my face.

"I wish I could show you how much I regret everything I said, Sarah. That I love you more than anything in the world, this world or the real one." I heard Kirito's whisper from behind me.

I turned to find Kirito's shocked black eyes staring at me. He gaped like a fish, mouth opening and closing but no words escaping. I guess he thought I had already fallen asleep. I raised my eyebrow in question as I patiently waited for him to say something more, but he closed his eyes and mouth and stayed quiet.

I sighed tiredly for the third time since coming into my bedroom. It seemed like I was doing that a lot tonight. I didn't know what he expected, that I would just forgive and forget the hurtful things he said? Or that I would fall back into his arms at the sight of him after a month? While I wanted nothing more than for things to go back to the way they were before, I wasn't going to be the kind of girl that would forgive everything and anything. I had my pride too, along with some sense of self-worth.

"What do you want from me Kirito?" I sighed once again, closing my eyes once more. I didn't turn away though, knowing he was still awake.

"I want you to forgive me, really forgive me. Though I know I don't deserve it. I've hurt you too many times, and too deeply. Just tell me what I have to do to get you to love me again. Whatever it is, I'll do it. I miss you, I miss us." His voice broke on the word love. I opened my eyes to see tears streaming down his face, falling off of the tip of his nose and onto the pillow.

I desperately wanted to crawl into his arms and tell him that I forgave him, that of course I still loved him, but I couldn't. He had cut me too deep, the wound still bleeding. I had to protect my heart from more hurt by his hands. I had Yui to look after, and nothing could get in the way of me taking care of the girl I saw as my daughter. Even if I had to close off my heart from the one person who was never supposed to break it in the first place.

I turned over to face the window once more, thereby ending the conversation. I wasn't ready to have this conversation with him, maybe I'd never be. Either way, sleep was more important than comforting Kirito.

The bed dipped again as Kirito readjusted his position to get comfortable. A few more sniffles escaped him, but I did my best to ignore them. I listened intently as his breathing deepened and evened out, signaling that he had fallen asleep. Finally, I could let my mind go and join everyone in the world of sleep.

I was drifting off when whimpering pulled me back to wakefulness. I immediately looked over to Yui, thinking she was having a nightmare. But she was still as out of it as ever. I felt shifting on the bed behind me and the whimpering continued.

I rolled over to see Kirito on his back, a position he never slept in because he found it too uncomfortable. He had the blankets clenched in his hands in a death grip. His face was scrunched up, as if he was in pain and he tossed his head back and forth on his pillow. His chest rose and fell in harsh breaths. The whimpering had turned into a high pitched mumble at this point. I couldn't quite make out what he was trying to say, just that he was upset, possibly even afraid.

"..shee… don-go…" I could barely hear. "No!" He suddenly cried out, thrashing around in the bed.

I heard the thump of running footsteps before Charr and Stark appeared in the doorway, weapons drawn. A quick look between my terrified face and Kirito in the throes of his nightmare told them whatever they needed to know. Stark made his way over to Kirito and attempted to wake him up while Charr stood and glared at my ex-partner.

"How often does this happen?" I finally worked out past the lump in my throat.

"Just about every night since you left. To the point where we traded off nights in an attempt to quiet him. Even got us kicked out of an inn in Tolbana." Charr leaned against the doorjamb and crossed his arms. "I was hoping sleeping beside you would help, but I guess not."

Tears flooded my eyes with guilt. I'm sure if we weren't in a game, all three boys would have dark circles and bags under their eyes from the lack of rest. And it was my fault. Instead of handling the situation between Kirito and I like an adult, I acted like a child and ran away. Well at least I could remedy the situation now.

I nodded at Stark, silently telling him I would take over. A relieved smile overtook his face and he backed away to stand beside Charr. I scooted towards the center of the bed and pulled Kirito to lay his head on my chest, just like when he lost his guild. He immediately stopped thrashing, though he continued to whimper and mumble, never opening his eyes. He was still tense, every muscle taught with stress. So I started singing the first song that popped into my head.

I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me.

This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy.

I need somebody to heal.

Somebody to know.

Somebody to have.

Somebody to hold.

It's easy to say,

But it's never the same.

I guess I kinda like the way you numbed all the pain.

It wasn't until I started singing the song that I realized how accurate it was. It was the story of our life and love since we became trapped in Aincrad. This song described our relationship almost perfectly.

Now the day bleeds,

Into nightfall.

And you're not here,

To get me through it all.

I let my guard down,

And then you pulled the rug.

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved.

We were inseparable until Kirito suddenly wanted to join the Moonlit Black Cats, even though he had been adamant up until that point that he would never join a guild. After their deaths, he came to me, needing someone to help him through his grief. But even when we started dating, it felt like something was missing.

I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to turn to.

This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you.

Now I need somebody to know,

Somebody to heal,

Somebody to have,

Just to know how it feels.

It's easy to say, but it's never the same.

I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape.

His jealousy of my friendship with Charr and his insecurities kept him from being with me completely. He held a piece of himself back, possibly to prevent himself from being hurt? I couldn't know for sure. But in the end, it was me who had their heart broken. Not just once, but twice. By his hands.

Now the day bleeds,

Into nightfall.

And you're not here,

To get me through it all.

I let my guard down,

And then you pulled the rug.

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved.

And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes.

I fall into your arms,

I'll be safe in your sound 'til I come back around.

By this point, the whimpering had stopped and Kirito was sleeping peacefully, his breathing having evened out once more. I noticed Charr and Stark sneaking out of the room. Charr hesitated before leaving completely, an odd look on his face that I couldn't read. Some emotion in his smoldering red depths was trying to tell me something, though what I wasn't sure. He finally glanced away and closed the door with barely a sound. I didn't even hear their footsteps as they retreated back into the living room. Probably to get the first restful night of sleep in a month.

I finished the song, not realizing I had started carding one of my hands through his hair. I wondered how often I would find myself in this position, comforting the one who had hurt me the most, the one I loved even after all that was said and done.

My eyes fluttered shut as sleep finally pulled me into its depths. I knew I would only get a few hours by this point, but any sleep was better than none.

While sleep wasn't necessary in the game, it was a way to "reset" one's mind for a new day. It made us feel like we were still human and not just some bits of code in a game. It reminded us that we were still real. And someday, we would return home.

Credit for the song: Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi. Lyrics I looked up on google. Hope you liked this chapter. I have no excuse on why it took so long to get this chapter done. It's been half done for a while now. I finally got around to finishing it. And I'm hoping to get the next chapter done this week too!