I own nothing. Least of all this.

20) DC VILLAINS PART TWO

Fic Title: "All The Best People Are Crazy"

Accompanying Song: "Mad Hatter" by Melanie Martinez

Dolores Umbridge smiled and sipped her tea. Her last day as Headmistress of Hogwarts may have passed, but in the end, she had revealed the Potter brat for what he truly was: a dangerous maniac, prepared to murder upstanding citizens in cold blood to prove his point. And the fact she had suffered severe injuries at the hands of both him and his precious centaur friends insured she would be lauded for her actions.

A mop of red hair came around the corner, heralding the return of Percy Weasley. While he may not have participated in her Inquisitorial Squad, he was fanatically loyal to the Ministry, and he had proved his worth by taking care of a good deal of her remaining paperwork during her recovery.

"Two visitors for you, ma'am. They say they've got important information on Potter, and would like to get a head start on the competition for the reward."

Ah yes, the reward. Her precious Cornelius had put out a truly enormous sum for the brat; fifty thousand Galleons dead, double that alive. Personally, Umbridge didn't think he was worth a single Knut, but needs must to get results. Especially when that old fool Dumbledore had agreed to support Cornelius in his search, of only for a chance to get Potter back under control. Umbridge snorted. As if the brat had ever been under control to begin with.

She gently put down her tea, and nodded. "Very intelligent of them. Send them in, Weasley."

The first person to enter was one Umbridge would very much have liked to avoid; Madame Longbottom was one of the few people she feared, and the only reason she had done nothing to her heir. The vengeance of a Longbottom could be a terrible thing. Still, the fact that young Neville was in her office now as an informant could perhaps lead to a more…understanding…relationship in the future.

The second was obviously some kind of hired help, judging by his appearance. Well, that and the fact he was carrying a rather bulky bag of some sort. Probably evidence Potter had left behind. Her favorite, the Malfoy Heir, came up the rear, obviously as a guard. Good idea; one could never tell with the servants.

Longbottom stepped forward. "Madame. While Harry Potter may have been may been my friend for many years, as of this moment, I am forced to admit that to me, Harry Potter no longer exists. For the greater good, I have done what was necessary. Bag!"

The servant stepped forward, and carefully laid the object on her desk. With a downward stroke, the material parted to reveal the face that had haunted Umbridge for her entire term at Hogwarts, albeit now sporting a rather disturbing group of slits on either side of his mouth.

Longbottom's voice continued. "I had heard something about a reward, but that was secondary for me compared to the chance to do the right thing."

Umbridge looked up with a crocodilian grin on her face. "And the right thing you have done, Mister Longbottom. I believe the reward for dead was fifty thousand Galleons."

A pair of hands grabbed her from behind and spun her around. She just had time to see Longbottom and his servant grab Weasley and Malfoy respectively before a hated pair of green eyes were staring into hers.

"How 'bout alive?"

She reached for her wand…only for her chin to hit something sharp on the way down. A knife.

Potter leaned forward and whispered in her ear. "Do you want to know how I got my scars? My uncle was…a Muggle. And a brute. And one night, he comes home from work angrier than normal. He beats me to within an inch of my life, yelling the entire time about how I deserved to die with my parents. Me? I'm lying on the floor, crying my eyes out, trying not to move and make things worse. My uncle laughs, and picks me up by the throat. Why so serious, he says. He pulls out my aunt's kitchen knife from the block. Why so serious? He sticks the blade in my mouth, and then…"

Potter looked past her to the other occupants of the room. "Why so serious?"

And that was the last thing Dolores Umbridge knew.

Joker wiped the toad's blood off of his knife. "And thus passed Amanda Waller. Now, while we may be a small operation, there's a lot of potential for aggressive expansion."

He first removed Percy's wand, and then Draco's. "The problem is, there's only one spot available, so we're gonna have…" the two wands snapped in half and clattered to the floor. "…tryouts."

He walked past, Killer and Scarecrow dropping their captives and following. "Make it quick."

Auror Dawlish was rather enjoying his Daily Prophet. He always knew the Potter boy was Dark; had to be, to defeat a Dark Lord. Now everyone else knew it too, and the Minister himself would be giving a speech shortly to that effect.

Dawlish couldn't wait.

Footsteps heralded the return of the bartender; just in time, he needed another…

His eyes widened in horror as he realized who it was that was standing in front of him.

"…They said you were dead."

Ron Weasley downed his glass of whiskey in one shot. "Really? News to me."

He leaned forward, his wand glowing red. "Now; who was it that had the Aurors removed from the Department of Mysteries?"

Dawlish gulped. "Must've been Malfoy…"

A fist slammed on the bar. "SHUT UP! Are you telling me you're Malfoy's only stooge in the DMLE?"

"Listen, I had no idea what was gonna happen to you kids!"

"That's funny..."

A coin went spinning.

"…cause I have no idea what's gonna happen to you."

The coin stopped.

A moment's pause.

Then a red light left the end of Ron's wand.

Lucius Malfoy stepped into his Wizengamot box. For once, he was glad that Potter tended to chase what was currently the most important thing to him at the moment. He had seen the pictures of the carnage Potter had left in his wake; his wife had become sick at the one of her sister. Nevertheless, Potter had done two tremendous favors to him, three if you counted killing Bellatrix: he had once more removed the Dark Lord from the public sphere, granting a much welcome reprieve until he should once more regain a body. And he had allowed Sirius Black to be killed, thus clearing the way for Draco to be named the Black heir. Well, provided Potter was officially classified as a felon, and thus unable to inherit.

Which was what he very much hoped this Wizengamot session would accomplish.

Making a deal with Dumbledore had truly been a stroke of genius; the old man desperately wanted the boy back under his control. For whatever reason, Lucius didn't care. All he cared about was that Azkaban was notorious for breaking individuals that were…strong-minded. After making his escape from where Potter's friends had left him trussed up, he had immediately gone to his stooge Cornelius, only to find the man already interrogating Dumbledore for all he was worth. For once, Lucius found himself on the same side as Amelia Bones, as they both pushed Fudge and Dumbledore to tell all they knew of the events of the night. Specifically, the ones following the death of Sirius Black.

The official story had quickly been decided upon: Harry Potter had taken up the mantle of Dark Lord, and had used the return of Voldemort to pull the wool over everyone's eyes as to his true purpose. He had attempted to sway Sirius Black to his side, and when he failed, he had executed the man. Then, he had cut a swath through those broken out of Azkaban by Black, being stopped only by the appearance of Dumbledore. Dumbledore had been merely been playing along with Potter's acting, hoping to have the Azkaban escapees and Potter wipe each other out. It had sounded somewhat close to what Lucius suspected Dumbledore's actual plan had been, minus the Dark Lord, of course. Best not to mention that little tidbit.

As Lucius sank into his seat, a voice came from his right. "Your wife not joining you?"

He turned…and saw Ron Weasley sitting there, lit wand in hand.

Lucius laid his cane across his lap. "…No. Not today."

"Hmm. Cleaning up after a certain recent visitor, I imagine."

"…Yes."

"Tell me. Who gave the order for there to be no Ministry security?"

"…If I tell you, will you let me go?"

"It can't hurt your chances."

"…Pius Thicknesse."

Weasley's other hand came up holding a coin.

"You said…"

"I said it couldn't hurt your chances."

He flipped the coin. "…You're a lucky man."

Lucius relaxed his grip on his wand.

The coin flipped once more. "…He's not."

Lucius' brow furrowed in confusion. "Who?"

"The Minister."

A red jet of light flew through the air…and Lucius Malfoy knew no more.

Severus Snape sat drinking in his office. So, Voldemort had tried to possess the Potter brat. More power to him; the two people he hated most in this life, trying to destroy each other. Personally, he was ecstatic over the outcome Dumbledore had reported: the two, locked forever into Potter's now irreparably damaged mind, possibly forever, since the prophecy stated only they were able to kill each other.

This was the first time Severus had drunk in celebration in quite a while.

Without warning, ropes wrapped themselves around his chair, holding him fast. Three sets of footsteps, moving in time with each other, brought into his sight the individuals that would dare attack him from behind.

"Potter. Longbottom. And Lupin. The freaks."

Potter twirled a knife in his hand. "And I thought my jokes were bad. So, that was how easy it was to sneak up on the infamous Batman. Pretty pathetic wouldn't you say, Scarecrow?"

Longbottom tilted his head. "Ture, but considering most of his alarm measures were meant to alert the Penguin, who will not be returning to the castle anytime soon, I'd say it wasn't too disappointing."

Snape sneered. "You fools. Dumbledore will always come to protect me. I'm his most valuable asset, more so than any of you."

Potter clutched his chest. "My wounded heart! Alas, he speaks the truth! To the Penguin, he truly is more valuable than any of us! That is why we've insured he will not be arriving any time soon. After all, only the Minister can lift a shutdown on transport from the actual Ministry. And with the Minister dead…well, I don't think anyone will be bothering us for some time."

"Fudge is dead?"

"So a little bird tells me. A little bird! That's a good one!"

Potter cackled wildly.

Longbottom took the opportunity to step forward. "Can I have him first, Joker? He's spent the last five years tormenting me; I'd love to show him the true meaning of fear."

Lupin growled. "No way; he's the one that set Sirius up to be killed. I want to rip his arms from their sockets."

Potter held up his hand. "All in good time, my fellow freaks. First, there's a little story I'd like to tell him."

Snape shivered at how the two's eyes lit up at that.

Potter slowly walked forward, and then grabbed Snape's chair and tilted it backwards. The knife hovered right in front of his nose. "Now, my mother was…a genius…."

Joker removed his knife from the Batman's mouth. First, he had given him a matching lightning bolt scar, the same as he had to Bellatrix. Really did have to find a better name than that…he'd work on it later. Then, he had given him the trademark Joker smile, permanent, and unhealable. Bella's cursed dagger really was a fantastic find. But the Bat wasn't dead yet, oh no. That was for the others to handle.

"He's all yours, boys."

He sat back and watched as Scarecrow and Killer began their bloody work. Truly, the both of them were marvels in their respective areas. At first, he had been tempted to give Neville the name Poison Ivy, but he didn't want Harley getting any ideas. And Scarecrow was just so good at finding what other people's fears were…and then exploiting them.

A little bird…that had been a fantastic joke. He'd have to tell Canary when next they met…

But first, the Bat had to die, and then the Joker had a date with his Harley.

Harley Quinn, formerly Luna Lovegood, lifted the giant hammer off of what remained of Dolohov's face, and then stuck it back in her magically-expanded bag. "I've always wanted to do that; a pity I'll never get the chance to try it on Draco Malfoy. Oh, well, I guess I'll have to settle for Malfoy Senior, whenever they clear him from suspicion in the Minister's murder."

The voice of certain brunette witch drifted from down the hall where it was currently doing its best to crack Dolohov's safe. "I thought Lucius was mine, since he's the one responsible for what happened to me in second year."

Harley rubbed her chin. "You make a fair point. But did he arrange for your mother to die in a supposed accident just to insure there wouldn't ever be another male contender for the last name Malfoy?"

"…I have to admit he did not. Fine; we'll split him. Literally, if I can keep him alive through it."

Harley clapped her hands. "Oh, goody!"

A loud click came from down the hall. "…Safe's open. Let's grab everything, leave our calling card, and then get the hell out of here and meet up with Tonks."

"You mean Canary?"

"Oh, is that what Joker named her? Makes sense, I suppose. Then yes. And pudding afterwards."

"A simply marvelous plan!"

As Harley skipped back to her partner-in-crime, she was pleased to hear her rhyming under her breath. "Riddle me this, riddle me that, why does a Death Eater dress all in black…"