CHAPTER 24

I woke up in the crook of Jace's arm with my head leaning against his chest. I placed a few soft kisses on the tattoo of my name above his left nipple before shifting my body and tilting my head upwards. He was sleeping soundly with such a peaceful look on his face, it made my heart hurt. For the first time since he had come to Chicago, he appeared satiated, content. I was struck by the relative softness of his normally dark and brooding face. I couldn't help but hope that it was because of me and what we had shared a few hours earlier. I reached up and softly caressed the prominent scar that ran through his left eyebrow and the memory of how it happened came rushing back to me. I drew in a sharp breath, trying to stifle a cry. Jace turned his head towards me and opened his eyes.

"What's wrong, baby?" he said, his voice still groggy from sleep.

"I remember how you got this scar. I touched it just now and it all came back to me," I said, letting a few tears fall.

"If you ask me, that was our finest hour, Cook," he said, pulling me up towards him until his face was close enough to mine to lean in for a soft kiss.

"I remember acting like a child that night. It's the reason you followed me out onto the streets of Cancun in the early morning hours," I said.

"You were just nervous and inexperienced. Besides that, what followed it was nothin' short of fucking incredible," he said.

"I took care of you after we left the hospital that morning, didn't I?," I asked. He slowly nodded his head.

"Yep, you had to stay with me for twenty-four hours in case I had a concussion. It was the beginning of our love story, Cook. We made love for the first time," he said, his face softening at the memory.

"I remember how sweet and patient you were with me," I said, nuzzling in closer to him and playing with his chest hair.

"You were the one I was waiting for, baby. The one I was meant to be with. I felt it then and I feel it now, just as strong," he said. He leaned his face down and placed his lips on mine again, kissing me softly. We slowly pulled away from each other, our eyes never losing their connection. My inner voice was beginning to speak to me in a voice I barely recognized. "What is it you want, Maddy? What is your heart telling you right now?" I heard her say. I quickly turned away from him and got out of bed, not wanting to deal with what I was beginning to feel.

"Hey...where are you goin'?" said Jace, gently grabbing my arm, as I got up from the bed.

"To check on Finn. I'll be right back, I promise," I said, giving him a quick kiss before I got out of bed and tying my robe around me. I padded across the living room to the bedroom where Finn was sleeping. I carefully opened the door, trying hard not to make any noise. It was five o'clock in the morning and I didn't want to wake him. He was in an unfamiliar place and Jace said he'd had a difficult time staying asleep last night. I tiptoed up to the side of the crib and could see him lying on his stomach and holding on tight to his favorite little blue blanket with the fire trucks on it. His blonde hair was tousled all over his head and his chubby little cheeks were pink with the warmth of a deep sleep.

I bent down and softly kissed his head, then pulled the sheet up over him. At that moment, looking at my little boy, it struck me how much he looked like Matthew. My heart began to ache at the thought of my husband and everything that had happened. I couldn't help but think that I had somehow failed Finn as his mother by being here. I should have gone anywhere else instead of coming here and further complicating both of our lives. I began to cry softly. Finn began to stir, so I gently rubbed his back until he settled down again.

"Mommy's here, Finn. Mommy will always be here for you, baby boy, no matter what happens. I'm sorry you're in the middle of this mess, my little angel, but I'm gonna do what's best for you, I promise."

It was near seven o'clock when the sound of my phone vibrating woke me up from a hard sleep. Finn had been restless for the last couple of hours, waking up several times and crying out for Matt. Each time, I would pick him up and hold him close and sing to him until he went back to sleep. I opened my eyes to a banging headache. I closed them again in an attempt to quell the fire that was burning behind them and fumbled for my phone. Opening one eye slowly, I could see that there was a missed call and voicemail from Matt. I laid there staring at my phone with my finger hovering over the screen, contemplating whether or not I should listen or delete the message like I had all of the others. I sat up and looked over at my little boy, who was now sleeping soundly. I quietly slipped out of bed, wrapped my robe around me and walked out into the living room taking my phone with me.

I sat down on the couch and stared at my phone for several minutes, thinking about how Matt had probably been up for at least an hour before he called. When he was on shift, he was usually in the shower by six and was sipping his first cup of coffee by six thirty and his routine didn't deviate from that even when he was home. A smile crept onto my face at the sense of familiarity I felt. I hadn't seen or talked to Matt since I ran out of the house nearly two weeks ago. He had called me almost every day since then, sometimes leaving messages, all of which I deleted until now. I held my phone up to my ear and listened to my husband's voice for the first time since everything fell apart.

"Good morning, baby…I can still call you that, can't I? I know that you're probably going to ignore this message, like you have all of the others I've left, but in case you do listen to it, I wanted to tell you that I've been thinking about everything that's happened and...well...we need to talk, Maddy. In the time we've been apart, I've realized that no matter what happens between us, I will always love you. It's not like I ever had any doubts about that. I've known from the day I knocked your books out of your arms in the school library that you were the girl for me. I woke up this morning with one thought in my head...that I want to take you in my arms, kiss you breathless and never let you go. I've been a complete ass about everything. I know I messed up big time, but don't we owe it to ourselves and to Finn to at least try to work things out? I haven't been able to sleep since you left and I can barely function when I'm on shift. Boden made me take a leave of absence because of it. Over the last couple of weeks, I haven't deserved to wear a Captain's bars. I miss you and Finn so goddamn much. I know things are pretty fucked up at the moment, but please call me back this time and tell me you're willing to talk about it...please, Maddy."

I put my phone down on the end table next to the couch and put my head in my hands. Hearing Matt's voice sounding so vulnerable struck a chord inside me. He was right. We owed it to ourselves and our son to talk to each other. So much had happened already and after last night, it became even more complicated. I began to cry, making the pounding in my head that much worse.

"Mornin', baby. Coffee?" Jace asked, suddenly appearing out of nowhere and holding a mug out to me.

"Yeah, thanks," I said, taking it from his hand without looking at him..

"Finn still asleep?" he asked.

"Yeah, he had a bad couple of hours. He'll probably sleep in a little this morning," I said, sipping from the mug and keeping my face turned downward. Jace sat down next to me and placed his fingers under my chin, tilting my face up towards his.

"Jesus, baby...you're still cryin'. You're worryin' me. What's wrong?" he asked.

"Everything and nothing," I said.

"You gotta help me more than that, Cookie. Is it me?"

"No, cowboy...it's not you." I said, stroking the side of his face.

"You're not regrettin' last night, are you? When I woke up again and you weren't there

next to me, I sort of figured you might be," he asked. His face was the picture of both

sadness and concern.

"No, Jackson...I'm not regretting it, so stop thinking that. What happened last night was beautiful and necessary for both of us. I know it will complicate things more than they already are, but I'm not sorry we did it."

"Then why did you leave me in there alone after you promised you'd come back?"

"When I went to check on Finn, it struck me just how much he looks like Matthew and I realized that the connection I have to Matt will always exist, no matter what happens. The things we do, the choices that Matt and I make in this life affect him, so I promised that I would always be there for him. It was a mama bear moment, I guess. I just wish I knew where to go from here," I said, wiping away the tears from my cheeks.

"I know right where you should go," he said quietly. He looked down at his coffee, waiting for me to say what he knew was inevitable.

"I can't," I said quietly . We both knew that going back to Texas with him was not a possibility. "As much as I want to punish Matt for what he did, I won't take Finn away from him. Besides, after last night, I've leveled the playing field. Neither of us has the advantage now," I said, pulling my legs up underneath me and sitting cross legged on the cushion.

"What Matt doesn't know won't hurt him, Madeleine," he said.

"But I would know and that wouldn't be fair, Jackson," I replied. He put his coffee down and abruptly got up from the couch.

"No, baby...you know what's not fair? All of this...every fucking thing that has happened over the past fifteen years hasn't been fair! Me gettin' captured by a squad of Iraqi soldiers ten days before I was supposed to come home to you...you bein' told I was dead...our daughter bein' given away to my brother and his wife...you tryin' to kill yourself...me losin' my leg...and most of all, me losin' you to the sonofabitch that keeps breakin' your heart sure as hell ain't fair! Seems to me that what you and I did last night is just a drop in the goddamn bucket for Captain Casey compared to everything in my life that hasn't been fair! Christ, Madeleine...when are you gonna realize that you are meant to be with me? Last night should have proven that to you. You're mine, goddammit! You always will be." His hands were on his hips and his chest was heaving as he spoke. His eyes were full of passion and anger and the frustration of having lived half a life for so many years. I understood him more completely than he realized. I had done the same thing when Matthew disappeared out of my life and Jace had been the one to rescue me.

"I know everything that's happened to us wasn't fair, but I can't just think about you and me! I have to think about Finn! For the last two hours, he kept waking up crying and calling out for Matt and as much as it kills me, I have to think about him too. He's the father of my child, for Christ's sake!"

"So am I, goddammit..or are you forgettin' that!? You need to make a decision, Cook and you need to do it now, so tell me just one thing...where's your heart?"

"With Finn," I said, skirting the point he was trying to make.

"Don't play games, Madeleine. Who was it making love to you last night? Who's the man who held you like he never wanted to let you go? It sure as hell wasn't Matt Casey," he said.

"Don't do that. Don't make this a war between you and Matt. This is between him and me," I said, getting up from the couch..

"Whether you like it or not, Cook...I'm a part of this and you need to decide where it is you want to be...with him or with me," he said.

"I'm married to him, Jackson. That dictates where I should be," I said.

"But you still love me. I know you do. What good is it being married to one man and loving another?" he said.

"I love you both," I protested.

"But you can only be with one of us, Cook," he said.

"I know and the thought of that terrifies me," I said, feeling a few tears escape from my eyes.

"What are you scared of, baby?" he said, moving in front of me. I wiped my eyes and covered my face with my hands. Jace grabbed my wrists, pulling my hands away. I felt more exposed and vulnerable at this moment than I did last night standing naked in front of him.

"I'm scared of making a mistake! Up until a couple of weeks ago, everything in my life was in order. I knew where it was I belonged, but now, every time you touch me, every time you look at me, a little piece of Matthew falls away, just like when we first met. My life was where I wanted it to be before you came here, but now, I find myself doubting everything about it. It terrifies me to even think that maybe you were the man I was meant to be with and not Matt," I said through a cascade of tears. Jace pulled me in close to him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his chest. His big hands rubbed up and down my back.

"I am the man you were meant to be with, Cookie. Ain't no doubt in my mind about that, so I'm gonna keep touchin' you until there's nothin' left of Matt Casey in your head or your heart," he said. I began to cry, softly at first until I was choking on sobs. I held onto him tightly, digging my nails into his broad shoulders as I wept. My mind raced, replaying the images of last night. It had felt so right, so completely natural that I couldn't have stopped it even if I had wanted to. I thought about Matthew too. As much as I wish I could just walk away from him, I knew in my heart that I couldn't. We both needed to know if we could fix what was broken. The hardest part of all of this mess would be telling Jace.

"He called me this morning. He left a message saying he wants to talk," I said, pulling out of Jace's arms. Jace stood there, silent. A look of frustration and disbelief came over his face.

"Christ Almighty, it's finally started," he muttered.

"What's started?" I asked, feeling my own frustration begin to rise.

"The part where he tells you he's sorry. The act of contrition for his sins. It's all a little too late, if you ask me," he said, vehemently.

"I'm not asking you, Jackson. Besides, I'm no better than he is. I've sinned too," I said, feeling defiant.

"You have nothin' to be sorry for, Cookie," he said, his tone suddenly softening.

"Don't I?" I said, whipping my head around and looking at him. "I did the same exact thing that Matt did! Don't you see that?"

"No, baby...I don't. What I see is what's here right now in front of me...me loving you so fucking much that nothing and no one else matters. You just told me that you love me, too. I could feel it long before we made love last night. I felt it the first time you came here to talk to me. The way your body responded to me when I kissed you told me everything I needed to know. It happened again the other night at dinner. We could have that again and so much more, baby... Jackson and Madeleine Walker, just like it used to be," he said.

"But I'm Madeleine Casey now," I said, crossing my arms across my stomach and choking back a sob. He rushed across the room, picked me up and backed me up against the door to the bedroom where Finn was sleeping. His mouth covered mine in a deep, wet kiss. He pulled my robe open and grabbed my breast with his big hand. He reached down between my legs until his fingers were inside me. He gently caressed my swollen bud with his thumb, letting his other fingers explore me.

"Tell me you want me, baby...I know you do...I can feel how wet you are...tell me…" he whispered into my mouth as he continued to kiss me. My body felt as if it would catch on fire. Tears streamed down my face. I couldn't breathe and I could barely speak.

"Don't do this, Jackson...don't ruin the memory of what we shared last night...please…" I cried. He suddenly slammed his fist against the door, then let his grip on me loosen, letting me down on the floor. We could both hear Finn begin to cry.

"You're gonna go see him, aren't you?" he asked, hanging his head forward, like he had been defeated in battle.

"I have to," I said, turning and opening the door to the bedroom. I walked over to the crib and picked Finn up. I kissed him as I held him close, trying to comfort him enough to stop him from crying. "Momma's here, Finny...Momma's here…" I said. Jace was watching us from the doorway. The look of sadness on his face tore me up inside. He tucked a strand of his hair behind his ear and stared at me for several seconds before speaking.

"You do what you feel is right, Cook. I wouldn't expect anything less from you. You always did see the good in people, no matter what they've done. Just promise me one thing," he said.

"What?"

"When you do talk to him, be honest with yourself about which man loves you more," he said, before turning and walking away.

"I already know," I whispered.