Chapter 19.
They didn't talk about it that day – not even later.
Amon led Helena to the car, watched her sit in carefully, keeping her elegant hand on her skirt, and then she fastened her seat belt, and he still couldn't believe he was not dreaming. He walked to the driver's seat, sat on that and started the engine, slowly and emotionlessly like a robot. His whole body felt cold and rigid, he could hardly feel the wheel under his fingertips or hear the sounds of the traffic or of his own car.
He still couldn't believe what had happened, what Helena had told him, how tenderly she had touched him and had been stroking his face, how she had been looking at him. Was it really her? Wasn't he dreaming? What could have happened? What could have been this incredible change in her?
She cannot love me, that is simply impossible, he was thinking while his brain was working madly and feverishly, I will never forget the mad hatred in her sweet voice and in her huge wild eyes that I can understand completely because she must hate me for all the things I had done to her.
He didn't understand what was going on and he didn't know how to behave, what to say or what to ask. He didn't want to ruin the situation between themselves and he chose to act as if he hadn't been surprised by her behaviour. He was scared of saying or asking something that would frighten her and that would break that fragile connection between them that had turned into a strange and surprising friendship during the last period of time.
If she feels that it is the right time to speak about it, he thought, I will take the opportunity to talk about it and ask my questions, but I don't think at all that it would be a great idea to force anything now.
He was grabbing the wheel hard while concentrating on the busy traffic in front of him. It was not that easy to leave the railway station and the task occupied his thoughts for a while, until they could return to the calmer part of the city.
Helena was sitting motionlessly, she could hardly dare to breathe. Her body was also terribly tense and cold, almost frozen, that it hurt.
Did I say enough, did I betray myself and my emotions, she was asking herself full of nervousness. She knew very well that she had said too much even without opening her mouth – her touch on his face spoke more than a thousand passionate words. He must have realised by now how I feel for him, she was torturing herself, but then why doesn't he say anything at all?
She was surprised a little by Amon's shockingly calm behaviour, how he didn't ask any questions but soon she had to realise again how deep the change inside him had become. He was not violent anymore, he didn't even try to force the replies out of her as he used to do – he allowed her to feel free and be herself, and that made her mind and heart so peaceful like never before. Maybe he was scared as well, she thought, of realising her emotions towards him, maybe he didn't expect her to return his feelings and he thought he had been deceived and betrayed by his own desire.
When they arrived home and entered the flat, Helena excused herself and started to prepare the lunch, while Amon had to go to work. They said their goodbyes quickly.
She didn't dare to look at him, while he was watching her with thousands of numb questions in his eyes, still they didn't plan to discuss them. Quarter of an hour later, Amon was already sitting at his desk, playing with the pen among his fingers, staring at the door blindly. Now he was unable to concentrate on his job and all he could think of was Helena, her touch and her words.
He knew that he could never erase what he had done before – to her, to the other people in the concentration camp. Such terrible actions could never be erased, could never be forgotten – and could never be forgiven.
He couldn't understand her at all – what did that tender touch mean? It was not an accident – it was full of tenderness and affection and it was obviously her decision. Did she forgive him? Impossible, he thought, she had suffered so much from my hands, she had seen how I had tortured her, how I had murdered people without thinking. He was now wondering on himself, his actions and he had to discover with a huge astonishment how much he had changed.
He still didn't like the Jews except Helena, most of them were completely indifferent for him, but he could clearly see how much hatred and violence he had nurtured in himself for such a long time. He felt he had been a dumb mindless robot, following orders and creating emotions of hate. I was a simple soldier and I enjoyed the power of punishing people, I was really a monster, he had to realise. The more he was thinking about it, the more confused and ashamed of himself he became. He had never seen himself this clearly before like those moments.
He knew he had been captured by the wind of a sick era where hatred towards a special group of people was the weapon against injustice and disappointment. He knew that personally he had never had any problems with Jewish people until he had been taught to hate them. He had been easily influenced because he was young, wild and passionate, so terribly naïve and stupid, burning in a deep patriotic fire for his country – just as thousands of other young and older people had been influenced and changed by the Nazi propaganda. It was easier to hate than to think clearly, he thought, I was just a puppet, a stupid, bendable doll of the system and I didn't even realise it for such a long time.
Why did Helena caress his face at all if she was unable to love him, he kept on asking himself mercilessly. He remembered her sweet words about not considering him as a monster anymore but still he felt some ugly flames of fear building up inside his body clearly. She cannot love me, it cannot be true, he thought, she cannot simply forgive all the horrible things I had done.
He felt deep sadness and he wished he could talk about it with Helena but he knew that he would be unable to bring up such a sensitive topic, and he was terribly scared that this would push her even much farther from him again.
Helena was doing her usual chores automatically but just as Amon, she was filled with thoughts and questions that were making her extremely nervous and worried.
She could not stop thinking about him and her own emotions for him, and she was wondering what he thought of her now. Did he realise finally that she was in love with him, that she was unable to leave him and live without him? Did he find out her secret by now? Would he want to talk to her about it? What would happen when he arrived home that night? The only thing she was sure about was his passionate love for her that was obviously seen every time he looked at her.
That evening they had dinner together.
Amon arrived home a little later as usual. Helena prepared one of his favourite dishes and for his silent request, she stayed with him and had a plate of food with him together. They were sitting opposite each other, slowly cutting the food and putting it into their mouths as if they had been trying to slow the time down. Amon stole glances of her, admiring her pale, but pretty features, while Helena kept her eyes on her plate, although she was dying to look at him. Both of them were waiting for something to happen even though they were not quite sure what it could be, what could break the silence between them.
They didn't talk until they finished the dinner, and Amon spoke to Helena only when she returned with the coffee.
- Did you have a nice day, Helena?
Now Helena had to look at him and she did it with pleasure. Seeing his shining bright eyes, full of passion and tenderness, his softly smiling mouth, she felt her inside become liquid and she was full of excitement. Maybe it was the time when he chose to break the ice and finally the truth would be told, she was wondering.
- Thank you, Herr Kommandant, I did.
Amon swallowed hard and his smile became more tender.
- Did you manage to find some time to continue your book?
He felt how awkward his question actually was, but everything seemed to be completely out of his control and he was grabbing hard at every opportunity now.
Helena appreciated his intention and she gave him a little, shy smile.
- Yes, Herr Kommandant, I could have a free hour after preparing lunch and doing the washing-up. I have read thirty pages, if I remember well.
They were talking a little about the book – he asked short questions and she gave short, shy answers. Both of them could feel how difficult and awkward the whole situation actually was but neither of them wanted to stand up and finish the conversation.
The ringing of the telephone cut the scene short – an urgent call from the headquarters ordered Amon to return to his office as quickly as possible.
Helena seemed so pale that before leaving, Amon put his hand on her upper arm softly and told her not to worry.
- You are safe now, Helena, you don't have to be afraid.
- I know, Herr Kommandant.
Amon left quickly and Helena didn't tell him that she was scared not because of herself, but because of him. She was so afraid of losing Amon, of the possibility of receiving the news that he was called in and commanded to pack up and leave Vienna to fight in the war zone facing the chance of death every second.
This option didn't even come up in Amon's head. Somehow he couldn't even imagine that he would be put back into the middle of the fight and all he could think of was Helena again and still.
Before reaching his office, he was told that there had been some important paperwork that should have accomplished by a higher ranked officer and his superior chose to send him instead of fulfilling the task himself and leaving his wife and his rich dinner alone.
Amon didn't even become angry or annoyed although he suspected very well what was the real reason behind that urgent phone call. He was simply missing Helena, but somehow he was thankful that he could give some extra time for her and he hoped that she would be able to pluck up courage finally and talk to him honestly the next time when they could be together again.
Completely calm, he sat down, checked up all the documents again, corrected some sums and made some quick phone calls to remake the necessary orders and commands that his superior had spoiled.
However, things in the office didn't turn out the way as he had thought so. When Amon finished his task and he was ready to pick up his coat and leave for home, one of his fellow officers appeared at the door asking for help. Amon wanted to hurry back to Helena so badly, but he was unable to say no to a friend. The simple request of help became a three-hour-long discussion and problem-solving with a small group of people, and when they finally closed the case, Amon felt like falling asleep immediately.
He made a cup of fresh coffee for himself because he didn't want to doze off behind the wheel and cause an accident or die on the road, but as soon as he swallowed the last drops of his coffee, he rushed out of the office to his car.
It was almost half past four but when he entered the flat as carefully as possible in order not to wake Helena up. For his astonishment, she turned out to be already awaken. While he was taking off his coat, she appeared at the door of her bedroom, watching him with huge, slightly sleepy eyes. She must have slept a few hours but her dreams didn't seem to be peaceful and calm all the night. Her hair and her clothes were prettily done, and there was a scent of fresh coffee around in the air.
- Good morning, Herr Kommandant.
Amon was shocked while he couldn't hide his bliss seeing her again. The desire to wrap her into his arms was so strong like hunger.
- Helena! How come you are already up? You should be still sleeping.
Helena smiled softly while staring at him and admiring his exhausted, still beautiful face. For a moment she wished that he would pick her up into his arms, carry her into his bedroom and they would sleep together – in the next moment her face blushed, even though she really meant sleeping. She could see that he must have been awake the whole night, working hard, without a blink of sleep.
- I always get up early, Herr Kommandant.
- But why? Do I give you so much housework that you have to get up with the sunrise to be able to accomplish everything?
Helena replied with a shy smile, still looking into his curious eyes.
- Of course you do not. But I like to bake fresh rolls for you for your breakfast and it is easier to get ready with everything in time if I get up at four.
Amon felt a growing warmness around his heart. How ungrateful I am, he thought, I have never thought about the fresh, warm bread and rolls she gives me every morning. That kind of comfort was so natural for him and he didn't even wonder how she could do that before the shops opened.
- You are spoiling me, Helena, and I don't deserve it. – he said softly, with some sadness in his voice. He really felt that he didn't deserve her kindness and attention.
Now Helena blushed a little, and she directed her eyes onto his boots.
- You do, Herr Kommandant. And now let me prepare some coffee for you.
Amon wanted to object. He wanted to go to bed immediately and not to give her extra work, but the excitement and curiosity inside him made her follow into the kitchen. She may talk to me now, he thought, maybe this is the right time.