His body felt strong under her touch, his physique carved over years of travel and swordplay. His broad shoulders were lean and powerful, his core was in the same shape. She felt those same muscles flex as he reached up to kiss her neck. He was on his back and she had control.
When did he get so… so mature? When had he gone from the boy she had known in Farthen Dûr to the young man she was perched on as though he were a saddle? When had he grown to be taller than her? When had she… fallen for him?
Her thoughts fell away like leaves on the trees when the seasons turned cold as his lips found her own. She eagerly kissed back, her body leaning over to better reach him, her fingers gripping the linens beside his head for stability. He tasted sweet, like fruit and fine wine, though he wasn't drunk, neither of them were drunk.
Maybe she was just a little bit drunk, she decided. Her mind was loose enough. The only problem with that is she hasn't had anything to drink.
Her fingers found the tie on his trousers as the frantic tug in her lower belly was growing nearly unbearable. Their lips remained locked together as passion replaced reason.
"Trust me?" She asked, her eyes had gone black with desire.
"With my life." He panted as his fingers gripped her hair. "Do you trust me?"
"I gave you my name, of course I do." She responded quickly, out of breath and growing uncomfortable with the strangest sort of need she's ever felt. She could sense it in him too. "Now help me." Her voice became commanding, and he obliged with gentle movements while they hurriedly removed each other's clothing in the most respectful manner possible while still caught up in their heavy hedonism.
She leaned forwards when she felt him rub against her thigh, suddenly and strangely nervous. Her sheepishness only lasted within a fleeting moment before her eyes slowly slid closed while their bodies eased together to fit like a Dwarven puzzle ring. Perfect.
When Arya woke, she could see light filtering in through the thin flesh of Fírnen's wing. Confused, she sat up, but not without some slight difficulty, given her pregnancy was still rapidly developing. In the past two weeks, the baby has grown significantly, achieving developments seeming far beyond her being only about thirteen weeks along. She can no longer hide the fact that she is pregnant either, much to her dismay because she feels far more vulnerable than ever before. The book says she's on track, though, which is good. Eila mentioned one time at dinner that the baby is about as developed as a Human child in the mother's nineteenth week. Once again, Arya felt another crack in the lid she kept over her mind to prevent her from completely breaking down and panicking. The closest thing she had ever come to that point was when she realized she was pregnant in the first place. She was shrouded by fear and insecurity in those moments. It was a feeling of complete helplessness, like drowning, and dreadful uncertainty, like walking to the gallows with a sack over her head, not knowing where she was or when the lever would get pulled. Luckily she was able to grasp some control, and even achieve some personal growth within that span, but that wouldn't last. It had been only seven weeks since then and things were only going to continue to change and progress. At this point, though, it was only a matter of time.
Rubbing her eyes, she took a deep breath. Her green orbs widened when she remembered what she was dreaming about. She frowned deeply, shifting into a more comfortable position. "That's new…" she whispered to herself just before her heart sank into the pit of her stomach as the loss of his companionship and the reality of their separation began setting in all over again.
Her eyes watered slightly. That was a good night, even though their minds were not entirely their own. They probably wouldn't have another night like it. Sure he loves her, but can she admit to him that she reciprocates the feeling? Can she be vulnerable enough to let him in? To give him the ability to learn her secrets, not just the ones about her love for him, but all of them? A True Name is more like a summary of who a person is; it doesn't give specific details into what facilitated it's sequence. Eragon has the capability to tear her apart, but he doesn't even know that he holds her heart in the palm of his hand. If he were to break it, she would simply pick up the pieces and heal, just like she has countless other times. It would be different, though, because they share a child now.
Why did dreams have to cause so much pain? She sighed softly to herself and carefully pressed her palms to her swelling abdomen, feeling for her baby. "I love you." She said softly, hoping to bring comfort to her aching chest. A daily reminder; a new tradition. Also a change in topic. She would say it until the day she died.
Her eyes welled with tears again. Being an Elf, having a half-Elven child meant that there's a possibility that she would outlive her son. Her arms slid around her waist, hugging herself tightly at the thought of having to bury her own son, to lay him to rest and to sing him into a tree.
"Why are you thinking of his death before he is even born?" Fírnen asked.
"I don't know anymore." She responded, sounding miserable, genuinely unable to recall her train of thought which led her to this point.
"I feel as though you're holding things in." He commented matter-of-factly.
She leaned against him, pulling her knees up as close to her chest as they would go. "Fírnen, I think I'm just having a sad day again, that's all." She said then sighed quietly to herself.
"You've been having a lot of those recently. You're not talking with me like you used to about the things that trouble you. Why is that? I miss you. You won't even speak with Angela or Eila." He responded with an almost pleading note.
"I'm sorry. I-I really am…" She replied softly. "I'm not trying to hurt you, I just… I'm trying to be okay when I'm not. I'm struggling to be strong even in the privacy of my own mind. It's causing me to be absorbed and secluded. I'm a slave to my own thoughts and feelings… I'm growing tired." She admitted reluctantly, knowing the only way to make it up to him is to be open. "The closer we get to Ellesméra, the worse it gets. We're only a week away and we're practically on the edge of Du Weldenvarden. We can even see the old trees in the distance from here…"
"You left out your feelings on Eragon." Fírnen reminded her. "I know he absorbs a great deal of your mental energy, so don't just say it's fine."
"It is fine. I just miss him more than I'd like to admit. We haven't spoken in a little more than a week and I am a coward." She said forlornly.
"How are you a coward? Need I remind you of your list of accomplishments which are almost impossible to write on a standard sized slip of parchment?" His tone had become more harsh than he would have liked. He knew his Rider was feeling the fragility of vulnerability.
"Because…" She sighed sadly. "I haven't been able to tell him how I truly feel. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but he has no idea of the reality behind what I'm going through. I'm deliberately deceiving him…" she said, staring down at herself. "To save my pride." She whispered only to herself.
"You need to be easier on yourself, Arya." Fírnen said a little bit more sternly than he would have liked. "I know you're fighting the unseen forces of your mind, and I'm not trying to tell you that you need to tell Eragon everything right away, but you do need to open yourself up to him. Otherwise it won't get any better, and don't wait until he returns. Waiting will make it worse." He replied softly.
Arya closed her eyes, curling her body up further against him for comfort. "I know, but… but why am I so hesitant? Why do I lock up when I'm trying to be open? I feel like I've gone backwards. I was doing so well in Ilirea. Now I'm just… shutting down." She said sadly.
Fírnen grumbled and she felt the low vibrations both through his body and through the ground. "Because it's hard opening up and you are a very private person, even with me." He said simply. "From what I've observed, having a baby is a rather emotionally compromising experience. The changes in your body facilitate a change in your moods as well. It impacts how susceptible you are to being more emotionally open or closed. I feel it must be confusing, but I also think you're doing a good job at handling everything, aside from being so closed throughout these past two weeks. I can't expect you to be open all the time either. It's a balance we must both achieve."
Arya nodded and exhaled heavily. "I promise to do better about being open." She said, voice full of honesty. "It's not just for me anymore. I need to make sure both you and Juniper are healthy and safe."
"I'm glad. Now, enough of this melancholy. You need to eat." He said, his voice becoming happier.
"Fine. Let me get ready for the day." She replied as she went through her pack to retrieve her brush. Her baby kicked and she smiled. He was getting stronger, his kicking is growing more frequent now and it shouldn't be long before she could feel him with the palm of her hand, she guessed.
Her hair had grown some over the past few weeks since she cut it. Shrugging, she decided that she would let it grow some more before she trimmed it again. She's happy with how convenient having shorter hair can be. It's never in her way.
She fished out the small glass bottle of round morsels which were the supportive supplements Eila had obtained for her. She pulled one out and crushed it with her teeth, chewing it until it was gone. She cringed and felt around for her water skin to wash the taste out.
Once she had capped the vessel, she fished out her morning rations and ate it as quickly and as much as she dared. Luckily, there wasn't any extreme nausea that accompanied the beginning stages of the digestion process.
The moment she straightened her black travel tunic, the self-consciousness leaked in at the realization that she truly looked pregnant. Or at least, that's how she saw herself. In response, she wrapped her shoulders with her cloak before she emerged from Fírnen's embrace, trying not to display how insecure she felt. She scanned her surroundings and found that yet again, everyone was up. She frowned. Except for Elva.
They only spent one night in Marna before they all continued on their path towards Ellesméra. It was a quick affair and both Eila and Arya weren't comfortable leaving Fírnen and Eylörís to be the only ones guarding the eggs. It wasn't safe until they reached du Weldenvarden. They left the city only three days ago and have been on the move ever since.
"How do you feel this morning?" Angela asked, handing Arya a cup of tea when she sat down by their small fire.
"I'm okay. You?" She answered quickly, accepting the mug with a kinder touch than her voice had held.
"I'm well." Angela nodded as she watched Eila extract clay from the ground with her fingers, then mix it with a little bit of water she found from a nearby pond. The young woman was several paces away, out of earshot from their conversation and entirely absorbed in her task while she spoke lightly with Eylörís, who remained by her side. She looked happy. They both did.
Angela pursed her lips. "Elva isn't, though. She's going through another growth spurt and those are quite hard on her now that she's growing older. Her body is beginning to respond to adolescence and is following the changes towards maturity." She smiled and looked over to find Arya staring down into the light liquid. It smelled of ginger.
"How is she, then? I know the transition to adulthood can be difficult." The Elf asked, trying to keep her voice on the more positive side despite the oppressive state her mind lingered in.
"She'll be okay. Her bones just ache and…" Angela quirked her eyebrow. "Well, I suppose you could say she's no longer a girl, but rather a young woman. Her cycles have started."
In only a matter of weeks, Elva's growth rate increased dramatically in response to her curse or an unseen force. The gangly appearance of her childhood was beginning to fill in by the mild curves of womanhood. While Elva still remained thin and rather boney, her features and traits were taking on an older definition. She now looked as though she was between the age of thirteen and fifteen. It was sometimes rather startling to Arya that Elva would strap herself into Fírnen's saddle, pull her cloak's hood over her head to sleep for the entire trip, wake up when they landed, then dismount and pull her hood down, only to reveal a slightly older version of herself. She was beginning to challenge even Eila when it came to height, though the Witch Child was still much shorter.
Arya's eyes darted over with a look akin to a grimace and Angela chuckled, knowing how uncomfortable the topic was for the Elf. "Don't worry, she'll be okay. I picked up a few things while in Marna to help her through it. Solembum had a feeling she would start soon."
For a brief moment, Angela could see panic in Arya's eyes before the Elf bit it back. "Don't let her near any boys." She grumbled, and a bark of laughter came shortly after from the other woman before she turned back to observe the Elf's features.
"Oh, you're paranoid for her, aren't you?" Angela's eyes widened playfully and Arya's expression became a glare.
"Yes, actually, considering the position I'm in." Her words were harsh but the weight of them quickly came back to bite her. "Sorry, I… I didn't mean it like that." Her gaze softened and she turned her attention back to the liquid inside her mug.
"I know, Arya. I understand." Angela said softly as she stood and sat down next to the Elf. She wrapped an arm around Arya's shoulders and pulled her close, encouraging her to lean into the embrace. To Angela's surprise, Arya went willingly, and even rested her head against her shoulder.
"Is everything alright? In all seriousness." The Herbalist asked gently, knowing something was wrong if Arya let herself so quickly accept comfort like this.
"Not really." Arya sighed. "I've been a mixture of sad and angry over the past few days, as you've probably been able to tell, but it's been going on for the past two weeks. Every time I check, Juniper looks and feels fine. There's just something wrong with me." She responded forlornly. "I'll get over it. Emotions are like sand and wind: ever changing and never permanent."
Angela nodded, but she frowned slightly. "I understand where you're coming from, but if this has been consistent for the past two weeks, there might be an underlying cause. I know you're eating as well as you can while on the road, and you're staying hydrated, thanks to nagging from… practically all of us." She smiled. "How's sleep?"
Arya seemed to shrink at that. "Not as great as I'd like it to be. I used to sleep well while traveling because I had become acclimated to sleeping on the ground. It's different now." She inhaled the warm, spicy scent of her tea, and decided it was cool enough to drink. Relief she didn't know she needed washed over her when the warm liquid helped settle her mildly queasy stomach. It was like that all the time anymore, she felt like.
"Hm, that might be part of it." Angela said in a contemplative tone. "Once we get back, I'm demanding that you take the proper time to sleep and rest. All of us will be okay, including your people. I want you to feel better." She said with a smile, then pressed a kiss to the side of Arya's head.
"Thank you, Angela." The Elf responded quietly, before she shifted slightly. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course."
She took a deep breath. "Do you happen to remember the time when my mother was pregnant with me?"
Angela smiled kindly. "Yes, I do."
The Elf nodded and closed her eyes. "Did… did she often feel sad or angry? I mean… I mean, did she have to deal with the same sort of things I am?"
Angela reached out and took Arya's free hand in her own before responding, and this time, Arya didn't flinch. "She did. In fact, your pregnancy and her own have proven similar. She spoke with Rhunön on a regular basis to help compensate for the depression she had fallen into. She was dealing with the death of your father while she remained in her position as Queen. She was pregnant with you and I know she felt more than just lost when it came to that. So yes, she was dealing with the same sort of things you are now."
Arya nodded, a falling expression distorted her beautiful and yet tired features. "I miss her." She said quietly. "I often find myself wishing she was still alive. I understand, in part, why we were so distant. I was harsh to her and she to me. At this point, I just wish we could have understood each other better. I wish I could tell her that I'm sorry for the things I said and did to deliberately hurt her because she was cruel to me at times. I didn't understand the pain she was already in, though. N-now I do."
Angela looked over at the quickly saddening expression on Arya's face and felt the Elf's grip tighten around her hand. "You didn't cause that pain though, so please don't blame yourself. I know you told me that you were worried about motherhood and you have every right to be in that mindset. Just don't hold onto it for too long. That's a thing easier said than done, but do your best to let go. It'll get easier once he's born."
Arya could only nod while she absorbed the Herbalist's words. "Thank you." she whispered.
"For what?"
"Talking me down off the ledge." She offered a weary smile.
Having the understanding of what Arya was going through and how that challenged her comfort zone made it easy to see that the Elf was experiencing a new type of pain unfamiliar to her, making it hard to cope with. Arya rarely sought physical contact. That was another one of the red flags Angela was easily able to recognize. "Come on, let's get ready to leave. We are growing close and from what you've told me of your conversation with Lord Däthedr, you are expecting King Orik to make an appearance in Ellesméra."
Arya nodded and pulled away. "That's right. I have no idea what kinds of ideas he wishes to bring to the table when it comes to Dragon Riders, but I do know he's a very opinionated man. He is wise and I look forward to hearing his points." she said, feeling better. She frowned. "Nasuada told me she sent a letter to him when I told her about his sudden decision to visit. I wonder if she intended to tell me about that on her own or if the decision to inform me was solely based on his desire to have a hand in the training process."
Angela shrugged lightly. "That may forever remain a mystery unless you ask the next time you speak with her. We did have quite a lot going on in Ilirea when we were there. Perhaps it simply slipped her mind. I can't possibly see her trying to sabotage anything, especially when it comes to this." She gestured to the saddlebags full of eggs that remained loosely on Fírnen's back. It was hard to simply disassemble everything, so the massive dragon decided it was best to keep the bags and saddle on at all times. Arya insisted on loosening it to help his skin, and he did appreciate that, though he got upset when she tried to do too much for her current physical state. She grumbled something under her breath in correlation to, despite being pregnant, the desire to help.
"Me too." Arya sighed when it was time to get up. Her body was beginning to take on certain aches and pains as her pregnancy continued. Angela offered her hand, but Arya just shook her head and proceeded to stand on her own, though still careful of the ligaments that had given her such trouble over the course of the past few weeks. Once standing, Angela reached up to the Elf's cheek, seeing the hidden weariness behind her eyes. "I'm okay." She insisted quietly.
"I hope you are being truthful and not trying to bring me comfort. I'm still going to worry for you. I can't imagine how Eragon feels."
Arya's gaze snapped to meet Angela's, insecurity flitting through her. "What do you mean?"
"He's the father of your child. The one right here." she let her hand rest gently on the swell of Arya's abdomen, causing the Elf to tense abruptly, but she didn't move away. "You're so secretive of your troubles and I know he has a tendency to worry. He cares for you greatly and he knows he put you in a situation you didn't want to be in. The best thing he can do at this point is try the best he can to help you through this, and he can't do that when you don't let him in." The Herbalist smiled, then pulled away, turned, and headed off towards her tent, leaving Arya with her thoughts. Her eyes flicked to Fírnen who watched her intently.
"She has a point, Arya."
"I know." She sighed sadly and walked over to him to hug his snout. He nuzzled against her abdomen carefully. "I don't know how to open up to him without getting hurt."
"Opening up to someone is a difficult task, but I know you two care for each other. It might not be as difficult as you think." He reminded her.
"But he doesn't know I care for him in the way I do. He can't know… I can't let him be distracted by that." She shook her head and pulled away to look directly at her dragon.
"You don't have to tell him everything right away, just open yourself up a little bit at a time. You may find it helps with understanding yourself as well." He suggested.
"Perhaps you're right." She smiled a little brighter this time. "I'm going to try that the next time we speak. For now, I think it's best to focus on getting home."
"I think so too, Bjartr Stjarna." he said, closing his eyes affectionately before pulling away.
Arya felt warmth spread in her chest from his emotions and her smile became easier. He nudged her into movement for working towards leaving.
She's glad to have the people around her that care so much. It was enough to almost bring her to tears. Maybe that's just the baby, though.
A/N: I'm so sorry, his chapter is all over the place. I wrote this thing over and over about seven times, all with different scenarios and all were nearly full chapters. My indecision was driving me crazy and I've had a massive lack of motivation, which sucks. I hope you guys are doing better than I am when it comes to inspiration. Anyways, we're almost back in Ellesméra!
As always, thank you for reading this far! It's been twenty eight chapters already, and I remember being excited about getting through just seven! I love you guys for all the support :)
-Lady Arlo