The Village

by PortalicMaster

'People fear death even more than pain. It's strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over' The 202nd Hunger Games

21. The Victor

Xander Clark 18, District 9

Victor of the 202nd Hunger Games

---

My eyes open as I look around noticing a white hospital room as panic fills me, no, I brought the blade to my wrist I wanted to die, I couldn't, I couldn't handle what I did, the guilt hit me fall force everything I knew crashed

The anger left and only pain, emptiness, guilt was left and for once in my pathetic life I finally had the guts to end it but now here I am, I feel tars flood my eyes "Why am I still alive" I scream at Myren panicking when I still see my hands drenched in blood my clothes soaked in it but I do see a bandage on my hand the hand I slit hoping it will bleed out and I will die

Because I don't know if I want to live anymore, what did I become?

I hate the world bit I was never cruel "Your a victor, hey it's okay, it's okay" Myren whispers wrapping his arms around me as I just shake in his grip

"Did it look bad" I whisper

I thought I wanted to do it, after I killed her I enjoyed it, but then when she died when I saw the distressed look I felt Campbell when it hit me what I ddI nothing guilt and disgust within my self flooded me, the guilt for killing Kieran just to get to Alyse, the guilt for killing Campbell who just wanted to see her sister again and the guilt for killing Hudson, the guilt for being the reason Cohen died, it all hit me and I don't know how I can handle it

After Camden died, became this stone hearted bad boy, after Cohen died I became in sane I don't want to be this pathetic boy anymore bit but now I have gone back into that shell into that boy that was too scared to speak out, into the boy that had no hope, that had no fight

He pulls away and he nods "I WANT THIS BLOOD OF ME" I yell, actual, I still have that burning anger, that burning rage Myren just grabs me by the waist as I look at him breathing heavily

"They won't open the doors year they want to give you a few minutes they were worried, you almost died" he says

"I Uh I'm not weak" I yell as he just wraps his arms around me I just ya into tears again

"Funny thing Xander I had a simile reaction to you, I cried and screamed, after a few years I separated my self" he says pulling away and grabbing my hand "I will get you through this I promise" he says grabbing my hand

I just look at him nodding as my whole body shakes "I should be happy shouldn't I" I say to be honest I'm more shocked never would I think I would of won something, let alone the hunger games, I guess no one, even deep down I one myren didn't believe in me, even my self

I guess ever since I was kicked out of home I hated myself, I pushed myself down because I didn't have hope for myself it was a lonely world, and the only two friends I truly have died and now here I am

The victor

"You went through a lot to be honest I expected you to slit your wrist earlier" he says

"You wouldn't of like that wouldn't you" I bark

I bite my lip "I'm sorry" I whisper

"Maybe a year ago being victor was a relief sometimes I believe I'm better off dead but look at this way Xander, you have been through so much don't just throw it away when you finally have a chance for a new life, please don't" he says

"It's okay, I want to live, I just I don't know" I whisper

Felt like a monster, hated my self for what I did to Alyse, saw a broken boy who wanted him sister, but I couldn't let him kill me yet I tried to kill myself I was confused, freaked out "You lost it didn't you" he says

"I was hearing things, like screaming and banging, seeing things" I whisper

"It was the doll" he says

I just feel tears run down my face, the face covered in blood even my short hair is sticking to my forehead due to the blood, I feel dirty, I feel like a monster

I fee hopeless like I always have, I thought that winning would give me self pride make me fee better about myself instead of feel worse, like I cheated "I don't even remember why I did it, why I tortured her all I wanted was to see blood, it was after Cian died something in me just switched off I felt like another force I guess for two years I have felt like another person" I say

"No one can bully you Xander, be who you want to be" he says

Who do I want to be?

The shy sweet boy that didn't want to hurt people, the bloodthirsty maniac boy, or the angry boy o with no purpose that's the question yet the last two help me win

The first one didn't

"I don't know" I say yet I feel in a shell I never was the most confident person, I always did crawl in a shell even when I was the Robin Hood and then when Camden died I was his mate, his side kicked but I never really understood who I am and I still don't, the fact I tortured a girl it horrified me and I enjoyed every second of it and that scares me yes I feel guilt

I just look at the blood on my hands blood of both twins but the blood that has made my clothes drenched, the blood splattered all over my face, the blood soaked in my hair sticking in my broken nails

He just rubs back "They love you" he says

"Who the devil in hell" I say

He actually chuckles

It wasn't a actually a joke but I don't mention that "The capitol, the districts even if you lost it they related to you, nor often do victims come out and win, Camden did tell me you use to be bullied I didn't realise it was that bad" he say says

"This boy called Elijah mainly, ever since I was at the orphanage, it was just words and he use to beat me over and over again, do things like choke me to the point I was almost, dying one time he buried me alive" I flinch

I did flip when I was beating Alyse I pictured Elijah not the young blonde girl who I had some attachment too then it was too late but I saw her when I was torturing her, my mind was playing games with I was a mess and now I still feel that way "You killed him" he says

"I think so" I say

"I tortured someone too, I did it for information, we did bad things it's okay to be a shell it's better then prancing around with no guilt" he says

I remember that, he tortured a career girl, coincidentally also the girl from two "I didn't feel any guilt in the games it scared me, I felt rage, I took all of it out in Alyse, is her past really true" I say

He just nods it wasn't in her original file but someone must if found it how else would the capitol know to put a doll of Henry "There is one other thing I need to tel you" he says softly I just look at him tilting my head

"It's just you and me, Miranda has a heart attack, she didn't make it" he says

I just look at him stunned, I don't really know what to say or feel I guess something don't changed "Are you okay" I say

"If you didn't win I would f been a wreck so thanks I am sorry by the way for treating you the way I did, I just smile nod as my hands shake again, fear still flooding me big I'm safe, I'm victor but all I want to do is gone up and never leave my house

I know that can't happen and that hurts, that scares me even know I feel anger, then I feel sadness then I just want to slit my wrist, he pulls the bandage off for me as I see a scar "They couldn't use that miracle medicine" I whisper

"Something about this scar defines you" he says

"Were they pissed I almost killed my self" I say

"no they liked it weird thing is the capitol want broken victors" he says.

"IM NOT BROKEN" I shout

I just flinch "I'm sorry" i say

"Don't be I understand kid, I understand" he says

"Please don't leave me" I say I have no one I'm all alone

"I won't I help you through this, Miranda and Elara helped me now I have to help you we are all each other has" he says

He is still young well youngish, I just close my eyes still hearing the screaming lie I'm back in the area and I don't know whose screams they are it isn't a female scream

I had a district partner too don't remember her, maybe some things about me hadn't changed even if I feel like a void, I feel confused and loss

"We need to meet your stylist he will get you ready then the interviews" he says

"I don't know if I can't speak in front of that many people" I mumble

I member was a confident person I always stuttered, always panicked I guess in the games a lot of my words towards people were hostile and Cohen and even Alyse were like me

"Jut be honest don't say you hate the capitol if you be nervous they will like that, you seem to of gone back in your shell, no one cares hurt you anymore Xander if your that boy Camden knew and loved, you are that boy" he says

I just feel tears run down my face again as I angrily rub my face trying to get the blood off, as he gently put his hand in my back leading me to the door, as I swallow the nerves and we walk through the hall way "How are you Xander" T says, he is one of the younger stylist and he was pretty nice

"I'm okay thanks" I say quietly he doesn't even flinch or comment about the blood on me

"I'd it alright if I stay in here, just a little worried about his mental state" I just flinch a week ago I would of snapped

"Of course, they do love you Xander, we all do, you should be proud of your self" he says

"I guess so" I say myren puts his hand in my back for me to walk

"Do you want a change up or to stay how you are" he says as Myren

I just look at the my hands then I feel my hair sticking against my forehead as I put a hand through it "I wouldn't mind a change" I mumble, my hair isn't long, the back is short I guess I just grew out the front part to cover my eyes bit I don't want to be that boy anymore

Maybe I like the quiet and timid Xander, because no one can hurt me now

"I have an ideal" he says, I just look at him

"Don't did his hair black please or give him a Mohawk" Myren chuckles

"Do I look like those rainbow freaks I will look after your boy" he says

Myren just nods and I just follow my stylist

I guess if I have to start a new life I need to find out who I am every if I know I will be forever fragments of myself

---

"What do you think" T says as I look in the mirror, no signs of blood on me when I spent a,most twenty minutes washing it off even f I wish I would drain down the train

I just look in the mirror, the front of my hair a lot shorter with only a little bit laying on my forehead, and a few light brown tips in my hair, I use to look like this I was also short and lanky but I guess it feels nice seeing the boy I use to be even if that boy was weak and got beaten

Yet the boy I was in the games was manic, was a monsters tortured a 16 year old girl and I still don't know why, what I did to Alyse seeing Campbell's reaction how he was broken hurt me more then I thought even Kieran, he didn't even see his death coming and it makes me sick

And I killed him to take Alyse hostage "I like it, I did like your old look too it did suit your game personality" Myren says

"That's why I want the the change thank you T" I say softly

"No problem, you will be a good victor kid mighty see you next year" he says as I look at my outfit just a simple pair of black jean and a grey sweater, it does suit me, I guess I want to hide away from the the boy I was in the games, even my fists still hurt the fists that beat Alyse to death or the finger that almost poked Campbell's out

Myren just gently rubs my back "Thank you again" I say softly

"We have to get going" he says grabbing my wrist as we walk down the long story and my hands shake, he told me to keep my black leather band on I guess I shouldn't throw away my whole life even if I wish I died, even if I fin it hard to look on the bright side but then I think of Camden, I think of Cohen, Alyse, Kieran, Campbell all those tributes that died

"What if I freak out on there I'm barely holding it together man" I say, I hate myself, I hate the games and I hate the capitol the last thing I want is to panic and tell them to fuck themselves because I want them to fuck themselves even if the anger right now isn't as strong, isn't hitting me fall force, I can't still feel it but all I really want to do is cry and looking at this scar if my wrist is a constant reminded of how stupid and weak I was

Yet I wish they didn't save me, if Campbell beat me he would of killed him self too I don't I'm worried my actions will look like I wanted to rebel but I guess rumours are quiet a few tributes have attempted suicide I guess they probably didn't think I would, I knew I lost the plot I had no idea what I was feeling what I was thinking

All my life I have been confused unsure on who I truely am, unsure on what I want to do with my pathetic life now I'm victor, now I'm one of the faces of district 9, now I have to be this model citizen, I have to come back here next year and mentor some tribute even if I have no idea even how I one my games, I guess when I was in their I just wanted to lie but deep down I never thought I would so I didn't truely think about it "It's okay to be human, even if you lost it your humanity helped you survive, your will fo win, if you don't want to answer a question just mumble, it is in your file you were socially awkward, jus be soft spoken they love that, they love victor transformations as well" he says

"Did they really want a villain to win" I ask

"Someone that did anything to survive, you, Alyse, Campbell, they were happy with any of you three, I think you certainly grew in popularity they are sick that way they want slow deaths, they want hostage situations you gave them both" he says

The scariest thing is after this, it is the victory tour and I will have to face the districts, and it terrifies me especially having to face district two because hat can I say I'm sorry for torturing your tribute I was a whack job, I don't even remember what I felt and it scared the hell out of me

"Just be yourself, the real you" he says

"I still don't know" I whisper

"There is a reason you wanted to go back to your old appearance, it's not a big different but it's still a difference, I mean you don't have the killer look yo you" he says

I just smile at him, I just take a deep breath, fear flooding me

"And with a warm welcome I am honoured ad thrilled to have from district 9 the victor of the 202nd Hunger Games, Xander Clark"

I walk out hearing a whole lot of cheering, whistling which makes me sick, as I look to the crows briefly seeing a bunch of freak random things real things every where

Of duck don't tell me I'm seeing the fucking lizard man know to but then I realise it was just some green freak with a tail, yeah he can go fuck him self, I slightly trip over my feet as the crowd just think that's adorable, that my fear is adorable "I'm so honoured to have you here Xander, love the new look by the way you were such a handsome boy in the games but don't you love it everyone" He says as the crowd cheer more

Should of asked for a now hawk

"I went through a lot of change in my games, guess I wanted to go back to the old me" I say quietly

As he just hands me a microphone "It's okay Xander we love nerves don't we shows the heart now I think honestly everyone was shocked that you win, were you shocked" he says

"I had almost zero hope of li- winning, I Uh yeah I mean I always put myself down" I say

Fuck I sound like a nervous wreck right now, out a pair of glasses on me I would be that gawky nerd from three "But that gave you a fire didn't it wanting to prove everyone wrong" he says

"Yeah, I guess I was bullied for quite a few years I wanted to show everyone that put me down in nine, to go fuck them selves" I say, the crowd just laugh as Claudio claps, they are so fake

But maybe I was too

I wasn't, I knew my mental stability was crashing every single day even wth Camden it just took the games for me to complete loose it "How dare those pathetic runts bully you had did that make you feel and what made you snap to be the bully back home" he says

I shouldn't have mentioned the bully part but I can't hide form it "I Uh, it hurt I guess, I was a angry kid when I was younger did something that made me go in shell" I stutter "I guess I started taking the beatings, didn't fight back, there was points I was at my loosest point, but um I guess Camden kept me human, when he died I snapped" I whisper but the microphone makes it sound loud the capitol keep cheering that hurts my ears

"What was your relationship with Camden" he asks

"Best mate, we were both orphans, he beat me pretty bad one day and I just let him, I guess he saw the need to take me under his wing, he said I was strong because I didn't use anger or hate to rage on I just swallowed and took what was coming to me, he was like a brother and we he died I lost all I had" I say

People in the crowd start crying as my hands shake and my entire spine tingles but I just take a deep breath even Claudio seems to have a tear in his eyes "And you became the Robin Hood why was that" he says

"I don't know to be honest it was a thing Camden and I did, I guess it event him respect I was more the side kick, after he died I went a little angry, beat a few people, destroyed a few things, I became feared to the point no orphan or street boy would come near me I didn't want that, so I started to show I was a bad guy" I stutter

"Let me guess you beat your bully to death" he says

I just tense "It's okay Xander we condone murder don't we" he easy as the crowd laugh

"Almost" I say

"Now let's get to the Reapings you were well, your reaction was priceless what was your thought" he says

"What the fuck" I say the crowd and Claudio all laugh

"It showed that you had fight and that certainly did show in the games you wanted to live didn't you" he says

"I was afraid to die, just to be a pitful boy who had no hope I wanted to show myself I can do something right" I say and to show myself I am not a useless piece of shit I don't say that

"And you gave us a show didn't you" he says

I just wince happy the reaction didn't sound in the mic, poor Alyse, she should be sitting here not me, but I just swallow that dread "Why not we start with your allie, Cohen, you two became very close" he says

"I guess it was another brotherly relationship, he reminded me a lot fo what I use to be like yet he had the strength to be a inspiring leader, he made me feel normal and cared for, without him I would of spiralled sooner" I say softly

"His death was so emotional I almost had a tear in my eye it really was the beginning for your oath to victory wasn't it the domino for you to switch your humanity of" he says

"I didn't have with to keep me calm, to be there deep down I hate being along I felt this rage" I say it didn't help that you fucktards put a doll of Camden in but I don't mention that don't really want to did

Well I did but not by them "Oh yes it really snapped you in half now let's speak briefly about your kills because five is a very big number the equal highest in the games which is shocking" he says

I'm not proud of it maybe Cian because fuck him even Campbell I guess he was better off dead but I took his baby sister from him, I killed him the second I killed Alyse

I start shaking almost dropping the microphone "Let's talk about your first kill that irrelevant boy what did you feel" he says

I almost snap at him that boy has family, he was human, he was dead because I killed him "I felt like I had to be honest I didn't really feel any guilt and that terrified me" I say

Even now when really thinking about I barely remember his name "Kieran" he says

"Was a necessary evil to end him he was better off dead" I say

"Cian" Claudio says looking excited

"Son of a birch is better in hell" I say as the crowd laugh

"Alyse, no we will go in more comment about her in a second but just a brief comment" he says

I drop the mic on my lap quickly picking it up "No comment" I whisper because I still don't know why I did what I did to the girl, yet my guilt for doing it is breaking me in half

"Campbell" he says

"Dead the second I killed his sister" I say

"You and Alyse has quite the journey, seemed like friends in the capitol, she trie to kill you in the bloodbath, you saved her life to take her hostage and when you two seemed to understand each other she tried to kill her again then well we will watch what you did to her afterward, her death was quite emotional poor girl screaming for her brother and you gave her now mercy, you really showed us you are deserving of being here" he says

I just shake "No comment" I whisper

"Do you feel guilt" he says

I just nod "I wish I could turn back time and kill her quickly" I say

I wish I let her kill m so I, in peace and she has to deal with these freaks, yet she is better of dead all of us are but here I am

"You did enjoy it didn't you" he says

I just whimper and nod as the crowd cry "Now lets watch the games" he says happily they show the bloodbath and the number 24 comes in screen and they show Ari bouncing up and down her pedestal, next second Hendrix lunges at her and strangled her with his belt and I can't help but smile

What the fuck is wrong with me

"Her death really changed district 9" Claudio says

"Why?" I ask

"Didn't you hear the mayor is dead with treason clearly they believed their daughter didn't deserve to be killed, him and a whole lot of more wealthy citizens attacked the peacekeepers it was quite the bloodbath" he chuckles

"What happened after that" I whispered

"Well quite a lot were killed, the president was so angry with district 9 for electing a corrupt man is mayor if it wasn't for your victor well I don't want to imagine" he chuckles

District 11 is practically in ruins, a few years back a riot happened they destroyed all their industry all their houses and killed half of their populations older population, I look back at myren who looks shocked himself "Don't worry your district is fine well most of it" he says

I just nod as long as the poor weren't punished I don't care, I don't owe anything to the rich

The next death is the blonde from 12 who was also killed by Hendrix, I wondered how he died because at the moment he looks almost unstoppable, the little girl from gets strangled by Cian, while the careers just let Cian walk off like nothing

Morons

The boy from 3 gets I don't know what Campbell does to him but clear,y he isn't happy he touched his sister, so that's why baby twin didn't come to Alyse, deep down I wished I killed her then and there, then her death would of been quicker and I would be where I belong

Dead

The next death is the boy from 11 who Kieran just attacks quiet violently too

Cian gets a second Kill and I almost scoff at the boys stupidity yes Cian and Reed looked a little similar but Cian is a freak you would of seen the insanity in his eyes and now he has a fancy spiked garotte how charming, I feel the anger come back when I see Cian but I just bite my lip

He is dead, he is hopefully in hell that makes me smile I guess I do have some hatred and rage towards that boy of course I do be killed Cohen, he is the reason why is spiralled

But is he the reason I tortured Alyse?

I look at my hands flinching picturing blood but I know it's all gone, the boy from 6 runs into Campbell and I look away thinking he was going to 'Play' with him again but considering I practically played with his sister I shouldn't judge

But instead he gives griffen the knife "Campbell was such a cutie wasn't he" Claudio says

"He was scary" I was as the crowd laughs a bit disturbed My this man

Actually I'm deserved by everyone in the crowd

I think when day 3 comes knowing I killed Hudson

Now I'm still to feel guilt for him too I guess I always did I didn't want the freaks to think I was weak, Next is the little boy who gets attack but Kieran who freaks out as usual, I just look away when it shows me smashes Hudson's head with my hammer "It started then didn't it your spiral to insanity it" Claudio says

I just nod but I know it started the second I was kicked out of home Day four was Hendrix killing the Boy from 8 at least he did it quickly then Cian just finding another victim as I just clench my fists hating watching every death because deep down I wish I was one of the cannons yet here I am

Day 5 shows Reed trying to kill Cillian then all of a sudden Kieran coming to his aid and the boy from ten falls with a axe to the skull, as Kieran and Cillian run off, Cohen was right Kieran would hate being alone in a sense if it wasn't for me Kieran would of joint us, I didn't say know but Cohen didn't asked either maybe he would of been better off with Kieran

The next part perks my interest the split of the careers I did think Cian could of done it but I had no doubt baby twin cause it, Campbell goes ballistic screaming about some note he got, so Cian dogged a Hendrix too, Hendrix uses the reals to ship between the twins taking Alyse has hostage and Campbell convinces him to let her go as Florian's cannon goes and I can see the hurt on Hendrix's faces, next second Alyse throws a knife in Theon's head and just like that the careers are ripped apart

"They were a interesting pack, weren't they" he says

"Three pairs three different purposes" I mumble

"We're you asked to join" he says

I shake my head

Was I?

Training has become a blur to me to be honest

I bite my lip when day 6 comes on the screen, remembering this day more ways then none as it shows a ballistic Campbell attack the girl from 10 as I look away when he literally forces her to eat her own organs yet her death was only half an hour, not over two hours, Campbell finally kills the girl ensuring district 10 won't have back to back victors as he starts screaming for her sister

I look at my hands when it shows us bumping into Cian as I wince he falls down "It was such a beautiful death, boy duos have been a big fact in the past few gamed" Claudio says

"He didn't deserves to die alone" I say just fingering his token in my pocket this is getting mentally training yet I just keep focusing on the screen

Day 7 is when Cillian gets killed just because he is friends with Kieran, poor kid I guess Campbell did it quickly

That's why Kieran was attacking Alyse

Her brother really did Fuck the poor girl up didn't he

Love is blind lucky I never had anyone to love

Next snows the fight between Griffen and Alyse, she is a good fighter and watching her do anything to live so she can see he brother again makes me hate myself more as I just wince, Griffen is about to kill him but she throws him off right onto the rocks

Day 8 shows Kieran attacking Alyse, as it shows me getting to the area as I saw his axe u don't know what made me pick it up but I know if I threw a weapon he wouldn't expect it, as I take Alyse hostage and the capitol cheer I became the villain then bit in a sense she wasn't to be trusted the second Cian died she tried to kill me

Deep down I wish she did

Day 9 is when Hendrix finally died and of course it's by baby twin, I guess if I do have to mentor at least knowing that after this year I doubt a full career alliance would be a thing, but I also doubt they would let district 9 win again

I flinch again as Campbell brutally kills Hendrix so I guess all of us beside Alyse were bad guys, yes Alyse betrayed me but love was why she did it not out for malice, not out of Insanity

But why did I do it?

Next is our fight with Cian "Whose idea was that it was genius" Claudio says

"Alyse, if I wasn't her her I would be dead" I mumble yet I repaid her by torturing her

I just look at the screen my hands shaking as it shows Alyse and I having our long drawn out fight as the capitol just cheer like it's live

Morons

Until I snap her back and I flinch at the sound of her breaking back, the scaring thing is even I can see the insanity in my eyes,I feel tears filling my eyes as a growl when it shows me toe hurting her, hearing her screaming the snapping of bones

"I can't I- I" I whisper looking away

I just sprint off vomiting all over the floor as the capitol still cheer, cheering me on while I tortured a poor girl

"They said we can go" Myren says rubbing my back as Claudio talks the crowd through everyone is happening smiling at me with kindness

"I I why did I do why did I do that to her" I just cry almost falling in my own vomit as Myren grabs me

"It's okay, it will take time" he says wrapping his arms around me

"I don't know if I can this" I whisper

"You handled yourself well maybe talk to aden when we visit ten he can help you" he says

His right but I think I need more help then I can get at the moment

---

I just stare at the blank walk hugging the blankets, I couldn't sleep all night everything I did pictures of my games terrorised me and when I did sleep I woke up an hour light covered in my own sweat screaming I had blood on me until Myren was able to calm me down

It feels weird only two of us, I sort of miss Miranda, she was calming and nice, Myren gives me affection but it's clear he struggled giving it when he wraps his arms around me he does tense and doesn't really know what to say, I guess mentoring a tribute and a victor is vastly different

I don't miss screecher though I remember on this train I had to cover my ears because I heard her scream and cry, now she is dead, o just look at my hands closing my eyes as I just scream punching again like Alyse is still under me screaming as I punch the again ten I realise I'm punching the carpet as I just yelp

I hear my door open "You okay buddy" Myren says quietly I look at my hands

"They are clean" he says

"When I get angry I close my eyes and I picture I'm beating Alyse again then I realise I'm punching the floor or last night I close my eyes and I was in the arena and I pictured cohens death, and I'm still hearing these banging sounds, it's terrifying" I whisper

He just sits next to me as I look at him "You remember you freaked out when you saw how low your mental stability was" he says

I just nod and he tilts his head "I lost it haven't I knew I knew I would be better of dead" I say he just grabs my wrist

"No you deserve to be alive it just means you have to learn control, even if we get you anti psychotics" he says

"It's okay, I have dealt with anger my entire life" I say

"Like I said it's you and me now, I will look out for I may be a cold guy but I do care for you" he says

I just smile at him "I hated you in the capitol" I mumble

"It lit your fire thought didn't it" he says

I just nod "Do we have to go to 2" I say

"Yes, it's okay, you have four districts before then" he says

"District 8 first?" I ask

"10, I already asked Aden if you will be up having a chat with him, he can help you, he tortured a district two girl too" he says

"I don't know why did it and I can't even talk about her without stuttering" I say watching what I did to her made me vomit yet nor once did I say I regret what I did of course I do

"We all did bad things, I admit I was surprised but I saw the insanity in your eyes" he says

"Do you see it now" I say softly

He must nods and I whimper, and he just squeezes my hand leading me out as the train stops "It will go quickly I promise" he says

"What happens when I get back home" I ask

"You build a new life, you won't have to steal, you won't have to worry about working, you can be a hero for them Xander, not a bad guy, Claudio was right only the rich areas were damaged" he says

He means use my wealth to help boys like me "What happening with the mayor" I say

"Electing a new one, one of the factory owners, or something I don't know all I know is not a rich asshole" he says

Thank god, I always hated the mayor and deep down I always though he had a cause of my parents death, because that's what the rich wanted power and knowing all of them are dead puts a smile on my face as nasty as it sounds

The cold air of district ten hit me as in the distance I see acres of land on the other side I see factories, my hands shake but this is only the first of many "What do I say" I ask

"Normally just say something like after last year you guys would fo struggled blah blah, just speak about reed and Mia, say your sorry about Mia's painful death, just don't be too emotional, I can make you cue cards for the other districts apart from district 2 and 7 if you like" he says

"Thank you, I hope there is a mic" I say

He just chuckles and we walk into the nice looking justice building they do say that if a District gets a victor they re do the district, brighten it up fix infrastructure "How are you handling it buddy" Aden says gently shaking my hand as rubbing my shoulder

"I Uh, struggling" I say

"I will talk to you after this" he says softly as Connor just gently shakes my hand smiling at me as I slowly walking out, I get quiet clapping and a few cheers as I look at the large crowd wanting to vomit again but I swallow the bile

"Obviously district 10 got a victor last year and it's always hard to get back to back, yet I know you guys may have a good chance again in the next couple of years" I say into the mic

"I didn't know Reed and Mia much they kept to themselves and learnt survival they seemed tight and it is sad how they get ripped apart, Reed did what he thought was right to survive sadly tributes can be anywhere in the games, Mia was a sweet girl sadly she ran into a psychotic career boy who had a grudge in one of your victors and hopefully next year your tributes will have better luck" I say softly I get a quiet applaud and just nod to the family of Mia who look distraught

Even if her death wasn't as bad as the one I gave Alyse

I walk back in and Aden puts his hand out as I grab it and he leads

Me another room as Connor and Myren quietly talk and we sit down my hands shaking as he just keeps his grip on it and I appreciate it "It must be hard with just the one mentor" he says softly

"His been good surprisingly I hated him in the capitol, I'm sorry about what happened to your tribute by the way" I say

"It's not your fault, I expected just be weary Everett will be guns blazing got you as well he gets really close to his tributes and he seems I mean seemed really close to Alyse" he says

"I just don't know what overtook me even know my head doesn't feel right" I say

"The second I killed Caelyn I hated myself, like you I didn't know what I was doing I thought what I was doing right but I also knew it wasn't and I stopped, you were hallucinating weren't you" he says

"I know it was here but when I closed my eyes I pictured I was getting beaten again, the bullying I went through it was the images in my head and it made me angry as I look at her and I saw my biggest enemy she was my rival in the games but it didn't make what I did right" I say

"Every morning I wake up and still remember what I did to Caelyn, it will take time mate, you have sleepless nights, I would try and find someone if I was you a mate or someone you knew, it will help" he says

"It doesn't make me fee weak feeling this guilt" I ask

"It makes you human, it makes you realise what you didn't wasn't right and you know regret it even I lost it in the games the best of us do, what you didn't wasn't right but what is right the games, it will live with you and it should" he says

"I want the pain to go away" I whisper

"It will stay with you but next year a new games will happen and hopefully what you did will be pushed aside, it's better that way" he says

His right, I'm the new meat for now anyways eventually a new victor will come and hopefully they do worse then me so what I did would be swept under the carpet but I know district two won't forget

And neither will I

---

I just look out the window seeing acres of agriculture yards as we get closed to 11, Myren said if I couldn't sleep just sit out here and look out the window it happened again I woke up in sweat, and this time I couldn't remember my dream all I knew is I woke up screaming because I was terrified

My fists to hurt and every time I look at my wrist I see the scar, yet just looking out the window I realised I have a chance for a new life, I can't just throw it away not that I planned to I guess I was okay being a void

I just clench my fists, Aden had to start over more then once and I guess it's my turn, I want to be boy again, the nice guy, the one that always felt positive, I use to draw, I burnt all of him but it made me feel calm, made me feel human these parts two years I have I felt loss and lonely, I feel lonely know but I kept pushing people away I made myself be hated, to be isolated because I was afraid of loosing people

After I lost Camden I didn't want to experience that again then I met Cohen he he breathed new life in me, he was there for me now his gone and all I have is his token to remind me of him

The emotions are getting to me, the guilt, the anger, the fear, I'm terrified on what happen now I'm terrified about having to be this face of district nine, having to be a born everyone looks up to because I'm not

I'm a piece of shit, even now I hate myself, yet I lived, I fought for my life, I did things because I didn't want to die, Maybe it's because everything I did was for the capitol and that's what makes me sick, I played into their hands, I let th puppet of Camden scare me, I let the stress get to me

"I can get your sleeping pills" Myren says as he walks into the carriage and I just hug my legs

"I'm sorry for being such a mess clearly you wanted someone strong" I whisper

"I wanted someone strong in the games, being victor isn't all that meets the yes I knew you went through a lot your mentally broken, I didn't realise how bad your bullying wise" he says

"It wasn't nearly has bad as what the girl I tortured in the games suffering, twice" I whisper

That hurts me too, what Alyse went through, it's taboo to say the word, I saw a boy get shot in the head because he said it, and the way I treated her and here I am whining about being bullied but it was normally only by one boy he he never did that too me, he just beat me,and said bad things to me

"It's going to hurt but you have to move on, you can't turn back time, she was going to die by your hands either way at least you made a statement" he says

"What us my tribute gets targeted now, everyone knew Mia as Aden's tribute not actually for her self" I say

That's if I want to mentor, what if I'm stuck with some one like screecher, ah yeah please send me back in the arena if that is the case

What if they said me back in their because they hate me

The train stops "I don't know what to say" I panic as Myren just hands me a cure card as I read it

"This makes me fake" I say

"No, it makes you seem genuine, I could bare,y understand what you were saying in ten, some districts will laugh at you, mock you" he says

"Like district nine" I say

"You are a hero to them you heard what Claudio said, you will see what district 11 looks like it's like wha 12 was like after the second rebellion" he says

After the hunger games were abolished for years and the rebels won they rebuilt all the districts, even district was equal them a new president strutted in and that changed, they even destroyed some infrastructure of the poorer districts reason why where I lived most houses had broken windows, or doors that didn't work, my own house didn't have electricity, and the floors away creaked and when Camden died it freaked me out

I swung when we walk into the bright son as I see files of agriculture shit bit in the city side is see smoke and justice building is barley standing, there is writing in the walls we had that in the slums, I did enjoy panting my thoughts if the district in walls

The inside of this building is even worse to the point Myren bad ti knock the door down, the victor some women kindly shakes my head smiling sadly "I'm sorry about Hudson" I say

"It's okay, at least he survived the bloodbath" she smiles

Actually I think district 11 have a streak of tributes dying in the bloodbath before this boy of course, I walk out and Myren was right even being here makes me feel like I'm in hell, I hear a few boos as my hands shake and I look at the cue cards "District 11 every year have to suffer, having to bring in average kids that Walsh fall in the first few day's, and the light not being shone in the end of the tunnel, I didn't know much of David but I am truely sorry for everyone that knew Hudson, he was a jolly boy quoting his words and I hope he finds peace"

I quickly walk back in wanting to get out d here not liking the feeling yet I still want to know what the fuck jolly means

---

People once believed that when someone dies, a crow carries their soul to the land of the dead. But sometimes, something so bad happens that a terrible sadness is carried with it and the soul can't rest. Then sometimes, just sometimes, the crow can bring that soul back to put the wrong things right"

I juts this flinch the words that creepy thing of a victor said to me, I mean creepy man, I guess I'm starting to get my attitude back but gnat j scared the fuck out of me, to the point I couldn't sleep again, I even freaked out and ripping my sheets off because I thought I saw black feathers Myren is getting worried

Then he gave me a teddy bear said having one helped him, now I feel like I'm not alone, as I hug the bear

I wonder what happened to cuddles, probably till in Kierans pocket or where even he had the bear, I guess I'm starting to realise my mentor isn't just a cold hearted young man, he does have demons, he hadn't left my side beside when I go to sleep and even then if I wake up screaming he runs in, district 12 was easy but I'm scared going to district one because it means one step closer to district 2 and going there horrifies the hell out of me I read the cue cards Myren gave me for one

Yet it's district two I need to say something, it's a lose the scary fact I ant to watch Alyse's death again see how cruel I looked see if I'm over reacting and I killed her quickly but I looked at the year book that was printed off my games her death was over 2 hours I didn't realise it was that long

My door opens "The bear worked didn't it" he says

I shake my head "I liked hugging something though" I say, I just remember how Cohen kept nagging me that I needed a hug but I told him I was a big boy and boys don't hug I wish I just swallow the pride and let him comfort me

"Don't listen to that freak, the only reason why the whacko isn't in a mental clinic is because they want every district to have a mentor and one of the district 2 victor wanted to move" he says as I put the bear down I'm going to call him Ted

As he helps me up, I already got dressed but I wanted to hide again "Will they hate me" I say

"District one hate any one who isn't them, luckily Aryan didn't mentor so the victors would be a little nicer but still not that thrilled, we are a outer district t and two years in a row" he says

"I'm sorry for still stuttering" I say

"I shouldn't of said it like that, I guess I'm still us too this judging personality, it's okay to be nervous, you were never a let's say confident kid" he says

I was when I was murderous but I guess my confidence blew up the second I realised I was victor, the second my will to live disappear left and now I'm the shell again slowly picking up the pieces

The pieces that may never be able to be put together, I just fiddling with the bang in my wrist as the train stops and he just pats my hand "It's okay, it will be over soon" he says yet this is only district one but I do appreciate his positivity even if I see no light at the end of the tunnel but I guess I never really did reason why I was seen as a emo

I guess I can see the positivity in death right now, I always did I guess but instead I just swallow that and follow him out, the sun is shining within the blue sky as the door open and I expect the victors to scream or swear at my but instead the younger one just gently shakes my hand smiling then walking to his seat

"Congratulations" Markus says

"I thought you would hate me" I say

"We all hate district two" he winks and I just nod, slowly walking out as I a whole lot of cheers, okay did not expect that but they hate district two and it makes me angry but I just swallow it

"For the past few years district one have been so close yet so far, this year you had a good chance at victory sadly a sadistic son of a botch had to destroy the chance of your best chance" I say the crowd cheer louder and I feel my hands shake as I pull my microphone closer to my mouth

"Florian was a interesting one, he never really stood out, I heard him describe to have a personality of a dead rat, yet he stood by his mate until he dogged his mate, I don't know what the reason was but he was a unfortunate catalyst" I say as a few stop cheering and I flinch when a few blonde girls blow kissing at me

No wonder district one is such a mess "Hendrix did confuse me, he didn't seem like a full blown assassin like the freak you guys sent in last year, Hendrix was different clearly stuck between wanting to be a career and a killer" I quo joy have a peek at the cue cards "But deep don he wanted to change, to show people who he was sadly he ran into a psycho baby" I say as I get a few claps and I walk back in

"It was true"

I look to Markus "So it was Cian making a lie" I say

"I hate that boy, Hendrix was a son to me" he says

"Im sorry" I say

"It's fine not your fault" he grumbles

Yet I still feel like it is because I'm here and his not

---

"This isn't healthy"

I just ignore Myren clicking the rewind button for the eight time, I still don't know why I did it and that's why I keep watching over and over again, I know it isn't healthy but I need to know

I feel guilt, every time I close my eyes the images plague me, and I knew I couldn't go to district two, to the district if the girl I tortured and the boy I killed without a comment yet I don't want to crash down and burst into tears

Tears are weak yet I have been nothing but weak the second I got out of that hell home arena now actually the second I was born yet every house goes on and I want to live, I just watch it again tears feeling my eyes as myren jus snatches the remote form my hand turning it off "I could barely unrecognised my self" I say softly

"Your head was all over the place don't hate yourself it happens to the best of us" he says softly I just whisper as he just sits next to me

"I don't think I can do it" I say the train ride from 1 to 2 was almost days, I slept all day for two of them, I guess it is very quiet with just myren and I'm and I have gone back to that quiet guy

"Just think until we get another victor you won't have to go back the and you won't have to speak to the crowd again, yes they will hate you, yes Everett will probably punch you but you either hide here lie a coward or take it on the bin like a man it's okay to cry and be nervous but it will say worse about you if you don't face them, you tortured their golden girl" he says

His right "And Campbell, can I say he was better off dead" I say

"Which death hurts you the most" he says

"Alyse, I still don't know why I did it and watching but I did to her I hate myself, I didn't realise how long her death was, how bad it looked, and how I looked at her, it looked like I didn't care" I say

"It's okay Xander, no one blames you apart from the people close to Alyse victors have done worse" he says

"Do you still feel guilt" I ask

"I have sleepless nights too I was lucky I has Miranda and Elara, females are more you know emotionally attached" he says

"Your okay" I say smirking as he just chuckles

"Let's just get you done with this, and try to get you home I know your already mentally drained" he says

"Will district 9 hate me" I ask

"They love you, you saved the district, shows tat being poor can help you in life" he says

"Now I'm rich" I mumble

"And how many snobbish out victors do you know" he says he is right, I flinch when we walk out side and I see the snow slowly falling making me remember the arena,how it started snowing when I was killing at list, it's a nice district, not to fancy even the station feels rustic but I do see military facilities in the distance

"Everett may attack you, I will make sure he won't hurt you" he says

"Not it's okay, let him I deserve it" I say

Like how I thought I deserved the beatings, how deserved to be throw around, how I didn't deserved to eat in the orphanage how before Camden I literally had to eat food I found on the streets because i was the last to the dinner table because I was to scare to fight

Myren walks in and I follow him the second I do hands grab the end of my shirt as Everett growls slamming my back against the wall, myren steps forward but I shake my head

"Everett" Tylah mumbles but Everett doesn't listen

"Why" he growls

I just look at him "Why the fuck did you do it" he says

I just bite my lip and he swings his fist at my chin as Myren steps forward but I still shake my head

I deserve it "I don't know" I whisper feeling blood form in my mouth

I knew he was close with Alyse I saw it during chariots and she did mention it when we did have a conversation the night before Cian died

"You don't know, you don't fucking no" he yells

"I-I I'm sorry" I whisper, Tylah Just pulls him away when his about to hurt me again

"Just do your fake speech and get the fuck out of here" Tylah growls for me as he drags Everett out

"It's okay buddy" Myren says softly

Why did I do it?

Even know I have so many excuses, so many reasons yet I don't really know which one is which, and it's killing me in side I put my hand on the door my entire body feeling sick as I open it and I flinch at the loud booing pretty much every single person booing as I walk over to the microphone, I flinch at the I insults directed at me such as monster, and psychopath and you deserve to be dead you killed a angel

"After a five year streak district two show that even if they dint win the tributes they bring out our formidable opponent's, coming in here I was scared of both twins in different ways they showed strength, they both had the want to fight for each other in the end that live for each other made them easier victims for me" I say the booing keeps going and I just take a deep breath "Everyone called Campbell baby twin or psycho baby, in a sense he was like a little kid, he did scared me the most because even if he had a twisted mind his love for his sister was stronger then anything was Cian did to them was cruel and he broke Campbell to pieces at the end of the day even if deep doubt I wanted him to kill me I knew he wouldn't live without his sister, he is better off in peace where those two can be reunited" I say

That's if Campbell goes to heaven

That's if there is a heaven, is a peace "Alyse was someone I both admired but deep down spited, I saw her as my biggest enemy, deeper in the games I realised how a like we were, I guess in a sense we made choices that changed our lives, we were emotional anchor for someone, he'd love for her brother was stronger then any sibling bond I have seen yet the strength she ad when I heard her story, deep down I saw her in me and me and I always hated myself, it was like killing myself when I killed and I admit I enjoyed it I wanted to see blood spill, I wanted someone to hurt because I wanted someone to feel the pain I did" I take a death breath tears flood my eyes "Alyse was a victim of circumstances and I tried to say I did it for her and know may no one should forgive me anyone that knew her what I did was right and I can't say how much sorry I am, I don't have an excuse I mean I killed her because I saw her in me and I just wanted to beat her because of it, because I felt pity for her because she made me feel human and being human states me, feeling emotions scares me because whenever I did feel emotions, I just want to break to pieces, and I know that a lot you didn't know her, she told me how she was hidden but I knew the ones that did would for every admire, and I just hoe next yea you guys don't have to suffer any torture" I choke the boos quiet down as

I just run in as I just feel tears flood my eyes

Tylah stands by the corner as I look at him tears flooding my eyes "Go fuck your self Xander" he says

I open my mouth but Myren quickly drags me out that's when I burst into tears on the train station

"You did good, you did good" he whispers

At least I knew the reason now yet it still doesn't make what I did right

---

District 2 drained me so much that I was a stuttering mess during district 3, I didn't know what to say and just said sorry and I hated myself for it because they deserved more then jus sorry

Considering one of their tributes hands were pulled off "I am surprised they allow it" Myren says handing me a black string

He did that the capitol give a chance for the victor to get a token of the tributes since they take it from the dead bodies and give it to the families but Alyse doesn't have family, I just look at it, the weird thing was she wasn't wearing this when I had her, it's the twin symbol so clearly she took it off because she didn't have it when I was killing her either

"Her brother put it back on for her" he mumbles

I just wince looking at the pink teddy bear charm "It's a twin symbols isn't it" I say

He just nods "I guess at least your remembering in stead of sweeping it under the carpet" he says

"I know should get over it, I'm sorry I'm such a weak little boy" I say

He just puts his arm around me "Weakness is being the same person you were before the arena, you were in the games you changed, I like this Xander a lot better I don't have to worry about putting my hand to close to you know" he says

I just smirk "I still hated you" I say

He just smiles as I put Alyse's token in my pocket, I told them to keep the black band on her she earns that, we both weren't trough bullying and hers was worse, I wouldn't image it, I couldn't if and I wish I gave her a quick death bring time can't be turned back

"Should be worried" I say

I least I didn't have anything todo with district four "Cassia is a issue she will hate you she hates men" He says

That's another thing I liked about Alyse she wasn't like most girls

"Lovely" I say

He just smiles as we walk out as the sun shines and I just flinch a little when I see the ocean in the distance no wonder Griffen was so laid back this place is like a resort, don't like the sun though, we walk in and I see some ugly scary looking old women, in pink dress, large big tutu and some ugly pink hat

I look at myren who just chuckles "Ignore he, I'm Adrian" The male victor says as I try to ignore pinky snarling at me

"Don't even look at me you sexist rat" she growls as I shake Adrians hand

"Watch who you call sexist" I growl

As just sneers at me as I point the finger at he and both Adrian and myren laughs as she stands and I quickly run out, I get a few boys, one or two cheers mainly from the girls again great wish I got a Mohawk now

"District four once again brought I two tributes who were different from stereotypes, I guess the career system is dying, thanks to people like me" I stutter as a few boos stop

"Griffen" I just stop at the whooping and cheering so the guy is popular he also has family I guess that was a good thing about the twins I didn't have to face their mum and dad

Yet I had to look into Campbell's eyes knowing what I did to his sister "He was a different career brought life into the training centre, I didn't really speak to him much but he seemed like a nice guy, but clearly he wasn't made for these games and at least he died before they destroyed him" I say

"Theon he was robotic none of less, but I related to him both of us were disowned for answer we couldn't control yet it made him a better person sadly if you miss with one twin you had to deal with the other"

Unless you kill them both

I walk back in ducking when a pink heel flies towards my head as I just growl feeling that anger come back as Cassia just pokes her down at me I want to say something rude but I don't she is a old bitter women I don't want to go to her ever

"Nice meeting you Adrian" I say softly as Adrian smiles

"What about me" Cassia says

"What about you" I say

"I'm sick and tired of boys like you, no wonder it's so hard being a female, what you did to that poor girl you are a in redeemable piece of shirt" she says walking up to me I step back flinching

"Now your playing the victim how pathetic, poor Alyse was screaming for your mercy and now your crowding like a coward, poor Everett image him" she says

"I'm the victim" I whisper

"Leave him alone witch" Adrian says

All of a sudden I just vomit all over her feet as she screeched and Myren quickly carries me out as Adrian chuckles and I just vomit oh the station all of this getting to me

"I'm going to e for ever known as the boy who tortured a innocent girl for nw reason aren't I" I say

He just nods and I just keep vomiting

---

I just look at Ted Then the two tokens in my hands as I just hide under the large blanket, Myren spent most if the night trying to tell me it is okay to be known as a killer because that's what a victor is a killer

A stone hearted killer yet I hate myself for it, besides Cian who is also a irredeemable of shit I don't want forgiveness, the only people I want forgiveness is from the tributes (Beside Cian since freak wasn't human), if anything he caused a lot of the events in the games, he split the careers, he split the twins, he caused Campbell to loose it more, caused me to loose it more by killing Cohen, he was the master mind

I guess any normal person would see him as the best villain, maybe better then luca and I help took him down, I guess I didn't really have the time to feel pride, it was more relieve but then I was stabbed in the chest, I get up walking out "I didn't have to come get you" Myren says

"Was it hard to get the medicine sent to me" I ask

"They approved it straight away, you will learn next year but as a mentor you can buy anything do your tribute as long as it is within their sponsor range how ever the capitol need to approve it, a lot of mentors try to send their tribute medicine if they are about to die most times they get a cross, I guess they didn't want you dead or because they didn't want the twins to be final two but you do deserve it Xander you have five kills that's a hard feat for a outer mentor I should know" he says

"I want to be a better person I guess I was thinking about it, I don't want to mind around because I know that's weak" I say

"I won't judge you, that's the worse thing I did believe me I was a mess, It will be harder for you but you will get through it" he says

Four districts left so I guess that's a relief for me, how ever it's district 7 that will open up some wounds, not only did I loose Cohen but I killed Kieran, even if the kid was messed up I still wish he saw it coming, because no one deserved to die without fighting, without trying to change their fate

I could of died, and I guess my fighting abilities did shock me but in a sense who did I fight, Cian did beat me if it wasn't for Alyse's plan I would be dead, Alyse was by far the strongest opponent I ever fought even though she was a female but at the end of the day she was a 16 year old girl, I was a 18 year old boy

And Campbell he was to broken, to loss, in a sense maybe I didn't really win but I can't dwell on it having the two tokens of the tributes that shaped my games, that are the reason I'm here have made me realise I need to do something, even if I wake up screaming, even if I still see blood and hear screams I have to swallow it

Giving up is weak

"I never really said thank you" I say

"I thank you, you really got into my head that I ate to change the way I mentor, I guess with Jackson last year I left the kid alone because I saw no hope with him and with Camden he needed emotional support like you" he says

I just flinch I guess I wasn't happy to have Myren originally I saw the young man who mentored my best mate but couldn't save him, the train stops and we make it to district five as I see dark clouds and factories every where, but the air still feels fresh it's sot of nice going to other districts,I mean district one didn't surprise me a district fro rich snobs but district two felt different, I didn't truly believed Alyse when she told me how big her district was but how heavily male dominated it was

It was really spot the female in the crowd when I was there, she said even since the likes of Ronan and Everett one the street was safer for females, they changed the youth laws but she did saw that the female body was a lot weaker maybe that's why Miranda died so young

We walk in and the female victor kindly shakes my hand "I'm Serena how are you feeling" she says kindly as I shake Nelson's hands both of them almost making me feel happy

"I'm getting there I'm sorry about your tribute, you had Everly right" I say to Serena

"She was mine, but thank you" Nelson says

"And sorry about Cillian" I say to Serena

"It's okay we are happy another outer one" she says softly

Everyone hates district 2, and I don't know why

I just walk out getting quiet clapping, trying to ignore the two families standing by their tributes photos "District 5 tend to have one that sadly dies early then one that tends to make it far this year was no different, I didn't notice Everly much she kept to her self, seemed like a sweet kid sadly she made the mistake of running to get a weapon which is no fault to her own" I say I would say she was a idiot but I don't "Cillian was a celebrity, a comic book writer even I remember reading his comic books, he was a ray of light and a little bit f a dork and he certainly did deserve the chance to come back home sadly he made a friend and ran into a psychotic boy from 2, I do hoe not y3at you guys have better luck" I say as I get a few claps

I just walk back in "Well said" Nelson says I just smile thanks to Myren and his cue cards, I know I'm being fake but I can barely say a sentence at the moment

---

I just scribble on the paper as even Myren just sighs throwing it in the bin, we have been spending almost a hour trying to come up with something for me to say about Cian but everything I come up with disrespects the dead

I hate the boy, I hate him so much, yet I don't want to speak badly about him deep down I'm worried his evil spirit will haunt me fuck I am messed in the head "It's okay to be honest the district hates him, he destroyed them" he says

"I know I'm just-" I stutter I don't really know what to say or how I can tell my mentor I'm worried his evil ghost will haunt me he thinks I'm messed up enough in the head

"Evil spirits aren't real" he says

"Fuck you can read my mind now" I say

He just chuckles "I believed the same just say his better of dead he was a monster to know fault of his own, but killing him gave me pride, say if it wasn't for wanting him dead you wouldn't of had a purpose" he says

His right, Cian killing Cohen is the reason I kept it together, the reason why I help Alyse as much hostage, everything I did after I lost Cohen was to kill Cian, it gave me a direction one I wouldn't of had

"Why wasn't it is fault" I say

"Childhood trauma it was but don't blame the district it's easy too, there was a boy in my year he was a whack job too but he was just like that you know he was just a pure psychopath, he wanted the kill kill kill, and you know what placing he came" he says

"2nd" I mumble

"24th" he says

Well then "He was so arrogant thinking he was unbeatable that he mocked this young girl on her pedestal was saying how he doesn't even need a weapon to hurt her, he didn't realise she had allies, he was killed within a second, boys with trauma, insane tributes with trauma, they have more of a filter they know how to survive, tributes like Henry, Cian, Luca, Darcy the boy from 3 in my year they made it far being serial killers because they had something in their past, it's the same with you, your past my you stronger" he says

Henry was impressive, he came second, was only beaten because Talen was able to poison him the boy had 13 kills, yet he wasn't arrogant, he used poisonous knife to carve int their skin then strangled them, I guess having poison in his pocket was his down fall "Was Darcy that whack job who had a obsession with eyes" I ask

I remember that boy from three, he was some blonde kid with glasses yet he some how blamed people for his slight vision problem and stole eyes from his victims "Yeah, Uh he was disturbed, thankfully he was black listed so when I was fighting him and he was able to kill me they helped me" he says

"Should I say that about Cian" I say

"No, no one is meant to know about the black list" he says

I just nod as the train stops and we walk out similar to two the air is cold as I just pull my sleeves over my hands, my hands shaking

Just be honest, I'm three district away from going home, from being able to hide but I know I can't hide because next year I will be thrown back to the capitol to mentor and I know who ever my tribute is may get targeted, we walk in and the female mentor just shakes my hand I Remember Myren did say she was mute as I just smile at her as Nathaniel wheels over "Thank you" he sad shaking my hand

"What for" I stutter

"You know what, deep down I felt like I had a obligation to help the kid but he really wasn't human" he says

"Hopefully next year you guys don't get a whack jobs" I say quietly as Nathaniel just laughs

"Hopefully" he says I guess with the tributes being hand chosen all sorts of freaks are getting thrown in

I slowly walk out and I'm shocked by the loud cheers thinking I would of been hated, I did kill their tribute after all "District 6 do tend to pull a few odd ones from the bad sadly this year it was in a negative sense" I say into the mic as my hands shake but I just take a deep breath "Alder was one of the tributes that really did fly under the radar which isn't a bad thing, he seemed like a sweet kid sadly he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time" I say

"I will be honest Cian was a cold blooded monster, he had no heart, he had no soul but deep down it wasn't to his own fault, it wasn't the districts fault some kids just don't get born in a happy family, yet it didn't give him a excuse' u hated him, I still do, and killing him I don't know gave me pride, yet his better off dead for the district for himself, but he will go down with a legacy even if it's negative" I say the crowd clap as I walk in

"Maybe you don't need cue cards" Myren says ruffling my hair as I just look at him smiling

But I know I do

---

"How did you feel when you lost your allie" I ask Myren as I just finger Cohen's token, when I came into the games I knew I couldn't go alone yet I thought I wouldn't get attached, that it would be like the boys back home I would speak to them, I respect them but I wouldn't call them friends

Yet the second I saw Cohen, I knew it would be different, he became my allie, my friend, he was my anchor in the games, he was almost like a brother and I never thought I would have a friendship with someone especially after loosing Camden, but Cohen was different, he made light of the situation he never j insulted me, never mad me feel weak, Camden made me feel strong, Cohen made me feel human and when he died that humanity got ripped away

I know he would be disgusted with my actions, for what I did to Alyse, if he was alive I wouldn't have done it, but I don't know what would of happened if we made final two, the questions at too scary to find answers for "I guess luckily for me my allie died early, she was my district partner, we had a bond and she was from hope but it was more out of needing someone you an trust, it wasn't like the relationship between you and Cohen"

I just sigh "It was hard but it was probably better he died when he did, you guys had a really similar relationship to a alliance last year" he says

"Caelyn and Aden" I mumble I wouldn't have tortured Cohen, no way

But I didn't want to torture Alyse either, his right maybe sometimes people are better of not in your life, if you care for someone you set them free, I'm still worried district 7 will hate me, deep down if I and the chance to switch places I would, and Cohen could become victors and live a happy life

But life isn't that way, happiness is just a delusion, I guess I never have been really happy, maybe it's better that way means hope can't be snatched away and crushed into pieces but now I'm victor

I have chance for a new life, a better life and I can't throw it away "I know you wouldn't have hurt him, but image if his death happened, later if his killer was killed, if you did it accidents happen" he says

I just nod "This one is going to be hard" I mumble

"Not as hard two was and you did well" he says

He is right, now that speaking to district two has finished I feel a little more relaxed like that wait is finally off my chest, the train stops and we walk out forests surround the district as snow slowly falls, Cohen said he loved 7 it felt homely and safe, even if he was a street boy, it sort of reminds me of nine, we had dark sky's and rain but we were sounded by nature most of our hoses were made of straw or wood, same with 7

We walk into the Woden justice building as one of the victors just sit on the couch humming to himself as the younger one just rubs my shoulder shaking my hand "Good Job, you deserve it" he says softly

Talen did loose it a bit to like me so I feel a little more comfortable "Thank you I'm sorry about both tributes" I stutter

Cohen did say his mentor wasn't real in the mental state he talked more about suicide and death I guess I can see why now since his quietly humming a death song

"It's okay, Cohen wanted you to win, he would be so proud of you" Talen says

I just flinch as I smile at him and he just rubs my hair as I walk past Vincent who smiles at me then goes back to humming his little death melody, which actually sounds calming

Fuck no I am not a emo

Am I?

I just step out excepting boos and apart from the glare I get from the young man standing under Kieran's picture I get cheers and clapping "For the third year in a row district 7 have brought in one or two tributes with fights with a story and sadly once again fell short" I mumble

"I felt bad for Kieran I think most did, some dipstick in the capitol was prancing around like a lizard in the chariot rounds which set the poor boy off" I say as a few people laugh "He was obviously not well but the thing I did admire about Kieran was that he genially didn't want I hurt people and apart from one kill both were quick, he just wanted to fill normal, be normal and he found a friend, I didn't want to kill him but to be honest all I saw was a boy in the way of me trying to avenge my mate, I needed Alyse and sadly Kieran was in the way, I am sorry for everyone that care for him, but hopefully now he can Rest In Peace" I say

I just take a deep breath "The second I saw Cohen I knew he was a guy I could be allies with, even when we first met I snapped at him, he didn't walk away like most would of, he didn't look at me and felt fear, he came to me, he wanted to be allies, he wanted to hear my story and get to know me, I least he was just a gang boy, he was a leader, he inspired me to be a good person, I never felt a bind with someone so quick, he became like a brother and deep down I was willing to die for him, yet he died and I broke, he was one of the best boys I meant and I know all of you that were mates with him would feel the whole, if it wasn't for him die, if it wasn't for his death to spark something in me to spark something in side me, I would be dead, I will for ever remember him and words can't describe how thankful" I am the crowd cheer as I just walk off and Talen wraps his arms around as I hug back

I wish I took Cohen's hug earlier now all I want is affection "Thank you" he whispers

I just smile at him, and I'm so close to home now

---

District 8 was another district that welcomed me with wide arms, the victors welcomed me to the outer victor club and the crowd cheered for me, in a sense it felt odd, I'm a hero in there eyes because I defeated careers because I gave them hope that if your strong, if you play the game

If you play the hunger games, you can live, yet there is a line and I crossed it I crossed it by a mile, I remember Alyse telling me that

There is a long, between good and bad doing what is right and what is wrong and I crossed it by a mile and I deep down hate myself for it, I killed a innocent girl because of it, I just blink the tears swelling in my eyes I'm going home now, I can't be this shaking sook, in a victor, I'm the person the district looks up to know

"It will be a warm welcome trust me, it was for me" he says

"My father was still the mayor when you won" I say

"I remember meeting you, you don't don't remember that do you" he says

I just shake my head "You were in the corner smashing your toy car" he says

I just chuckle "That sounds like me" I say

I guess I did take advantage of my easy life, of being rich, but I'd never wanted to be rich, I hated it in nine there is a rich area, and I hated them,the elite they had the easy jobs, they got paid like 50 coins for just putting fancy shit on the cakes the factory workers had to bake using the grain we spent hours to cut yet we only have two

"Gregory has become mayor, he wants to speak to you before your speech" he says

"I liked that man, he owned the bread factory I remember he was willing to give me a job, the pay was better but I said give it to kid that needed it" I say

"You were Robin Hood" he says myren did help the orphans but my father stopped it said down waste your money on runts

"Do you know how set the fire" I ask

He bites his lip "It was a young boy 10 or 11, I don't know, it wasn't you though" he says

"Elijah" I whisper

I feel this anger as myren grabs my hand, he always hated me and my parents, everyone hated my father, he was cruel, he was selfish, then I burst out laughing and myren just raises an eyebrow but keeps a grip on my hand

"I'm sorry" I say I don't know why I find it so funny maybe it's because that boy ruined my life, yet here I am alive and he is dead, I guess karma really does exist

"I guess it's good you find the funny side of it" he says

"It's not funny my parents are dead it's just that boy almost destroyed me, and yet here I am" I say

Myren just squeezes my hand "You will inspire them, boys and even girls that are bullied, I never realised how bad it is, the victor village is away form the city, it's peaceful, has a few shops it's like our own little town to be honest" he says

"I never saw the victors village I don't even know where it is" I say, I was lucky Camden and I were able to afford a roof over our heads, but we were still seen as street kids, district 9 is a lot more detached then people thought, the rich lived on one side of the grain yards and the poor on the other in the outlets the slum, even our clothing was different and you could tell, we had access to communal showers being workers but we could only get dark clothes, simple clothes like t-shirts and pants, normally the pants were ripped

The rich had more colourful clothing and if you went into a shop in the nicer area, like a bakery they would turn you down because you were poor, with good we were giving loaves of bread, we didn't anything else same with the security, we did have a large young male population so street crime happened a lot but the peacekeepers weren't there as much but were much stricter

I wonder how old mate Ian is going he isn't old, maybe I will give him enough money so he can quit his job and retire he is 32 after all "You will see, you will have better life Xander trust me you might not think so but things will get better I promise" he says

I just smile sadly yet I still wake up in sweat, I still wake up thinking there are blood on my hands, the images of loosing Cohen, of torturing Alyse play in my mind like a never ending record and it terrifies the hell out of me, I guess there is no escaping this new life, as much as I wish, as much a I hope I will just close my eyes and things will go back to normal it won't

But do I really want to be that street boy again the boy everyone feared the boy, the boy who felt so alone, how felt fake no, no I don't

This is my chance to start over, to be the nice guy but this time I know I will be safe that no one can hurt me because I am a victor now, I want to be the nice guy being the boy I was made me insane, made me a monster, I don't want to be that person anymore

"What do I say to the district I mean" I say

"Tell them who were, who you are now, what your victory means, it's okay to call bullies out, I spoke to the mayor he wants a change as you can help lead it, inspire them" he says

I just nod, I never was a inspiration person, Cohen inspired me and now I have to inspire others, it does scare me, the unknown but I survived hunger games, I survived a near suicide attempt I have to survive this

Yet I will keep the black leather band because it represents me, it's a badge of honour an I can't shy away from my old self because that's the boy that got me here

The train stops and I shudder a little bit "I never thought I would miss this place" I say softly as the rain falls down when we walk into the run down train station, I remember destroying a window in here hopefully they fixed it

"It's weird isn't it, even when I'm in the capitol I want to go back home" Myren says

I follow Myren in and I hear a few claps as I look around shocked, seeing Gregory smile at me alongside his wife and three sons and good mate Ian who just nods to as he stands by the door guarding

"Congratulations" Gregory says coming over and shaking my hand

"You two, your worthy choice" I say

"Thank you, If it wasn't for your victory I don't think I would of been voted" he says as I just shake hands with his sons and wife as they just walk out as myren sits in the corner

"What did happen" I ask

"A whole riot in the city scare, hundreds died, most adults, a few days later the east side of the district was blown up, the peacekeepers capitol peacekeepers dragged every citizen of that area every wealthy person whether its make, female, child and killed them, al, of us workers and city folks had to stay in doors, if you didn't win I don't know what would of happened that's when o heard crowds of people shouting my name they wanted me to be mayor, I want your help, ideas on how to make this district better" he says

"Uh I Uh, really" I mumble

"Ian says you had a lot of ideas and thoughts about how shit this district was, I don't want all of your money, just ideas" he says

"You can get both, how much money do I get" I ask myren

"You have about 20 safes in your basement, you get sent them each month, for example Elara used her money to buy her church but when I one j kept all of it because your father and the current mayor wanted it for the rich, and even if I'm victor I don't over power the mayor I just want peace" he says

"We have a excess number of workers in the grain fields, we don't need to many, maybe the more stronger ones can be employed as builders, I want new orphanage, the one I grew up on was run down, 30 boys to a room, some with the housing conditions for the workers, I knew you sued your little extra money to help afford beds for the man, new facilities for them to live in, who is the secretary" I ask

"My son you know him" he says

William he was a good kid, a quiet one who worked in the grain yards I saw him give his coins to a boy hitting a rat one down so I gave him my coins "I will give your son money to distribute to the workers, what happened to the posh bakeries" I say

"Destroyed, capitols fault we only make basic bread now" he says

"Workers to give 50 coins a day, and to get better housing conditions" I say

"The capitol send to give a list of things we needed to, like new factory equipment, materials for housings, the felt bad for destroying half their district said they are willing to give some of the older weapons from district two" Ian says

"I guess I can help run a small facility for street boys" I say

"The second you won street crime went down, good jobs boy" Ian says

"I know it won't make what I did in the games forgotten but all I wanted was to live a easier life" I say

"I promise you we will make this a better place" Gregory says

"Fuck I have to talk about screechy don't I" I say

"There is the Xander I know and loved" Ian chuckles

"Just say a word or two, it's more about you" Myren says as I just stand up, I guess I am nervous, I hope the door and I'm almost shocked by the loud cheering, how everyone is cheering my name, even the people who use to avoid me I'm a hero to them

And I never have been the hero

"First before I start I should mention my district partner, uh yeah hope she Rest In Peace" I mumble as I few boys laugh and I just smile

"For those of you who don't know me, or those that do, I guess was a lot of different thoughts about me, rumours, I changed a lot as a person, this district did that, I was the son a the previous mayor, I lived I a elite house hold and it taught me a lot, coming back and discovering the rich have been killed is it's a blessing in disguise because they destroyed our district, they destroyed me too, I was always a different kid, I wasn't the poster boy mayors son, I was awkward , I use to have a stutter I guess I got that back" I say "I as thrown out because of my anger thrown into the orphanage, I was targeted a few of you that bully me did stand here today, I guess I can't blame you, I defined something that made you spite me, wealth, getting things in a silver platter, for those don't know me, I was a target of bullying until I got rid of the alpha of the streets, I still saw it, boys bullying other boys and it isn't right, it's the reason why this district became so corrupt, why those streets were dog eat dog I get it we want to survive, but not all of us were born big and strong, not al, of us wanted to be a bad boy" I say

"I became a bad person I admit that, the pain got to me, yet I still wanted to help people, I was the Robin Hood some of you knew me some of you didn't, I did a lot to try and look like the good guy but it didn't work, I was feared, I admit I did get angry at people looking at me, deep down it ruined me, the bullying, having to watch my back, you may look at what I did in my games and be,I even it's a necessary evil it wasn't, what I did wasn't right, yet killing Alyse like that changed me as a person it made me a better person, I as to change because people forced me to hVd fi be tough, but it has to change, bullying people for power, it doesn't get you anywhere" I say the cheering gets louder and I hear people agree unlike the capitol they are listening

"Things change and it has to, for the poor, for the workers" I say

I just walk off as the clapping keeps going and a few street boys nod to me, and I hope my message did get through

---

"It's funny how things change" I say

Like how right now I'm speaking to where I buried Elijah, but I guess after being moved to a new house having a few days just to settle in, days reflect, to break some stuff, to spend hours crying, I think it's finally settle in, ear,Jed this morning I took a work, instead of people avoiding me I had smile, there are already builders starting on the new orphanage on the new housing for the workers

I'm making sure this district is getting better there are a few rich still around but they aren't getting my pity, I didn't realise how big this district was be when I walked past they just scoffed at me so many somethings done change, but the outskirts have, I saw boys that use to fight each other sit down and have a laugh, I haven't seen any one with bruises, they see me as a hero even if that shocked me because I murdered the hero in my games

I showed good guys finish last and I guess it's my turn to try and fix things, it was a little odd going to Miranda's funeral yesterday, meeting her husband and sons, it shows that I will die

Everyone will whether it's tomorrow or in 80 years time everyone has a expiry date, I always knew I was going to die, to be honest I always thought it could be any day, deep down I wanted to die because I saw no light at the end of the tunnel, I saw no hope for me

Deep down I still find it hard to find hope, even after I won, even after I survived, it's hard to like myself, yet here I am alive, trying to pick up the pieces of myself that shudder years ago

Life is a gift, people like Cohen and Alyse they deserved so much more yet they are dead and here I am, I need to stay strong as much as I want to crawl in a ball and cry for my entire life I can't "You would hate it the boys are nice to each other" I say

In a sense I almost owe Elijah, I guess when I snapped I used his bullying to make me stronger it make me angry, nice people don't win the hunger games any more and as cruel as it sounds my parents being dead are the best thing that could of happened to me

Because I didn't want that life, now the wealthy are pariahs, now the district is better even walking, Myren said he was scared walking down the streets of the outskirts because he could of been mugged, I would of mugged him if I saw him now I don't feel nervous, if I see a poor kid I throw him money, I could a basement fall of it, a large house with ten rooms it's lonely but I'm use to it

I got ted at least "I might catch you around buddy" I say just patting the dirt as I stand up wiping it from my parents, Myren was right the victors village is in a area I didn't know we had it's peaceful, it feels odd having to walk past two empty houses knowing Miranda and Elara lived there thankfully my house was brand new but both their families still live there, the old mayor would of kicked him out at least the new mayor didn't

He is really trying to help this district, I don't know why I care so much, deep down I was selfish, I tried to help people because I didn't want to be hated or have being be scared of me, that was after Camden died when we were together everything I did was for him

Now I don't know, I guess I want to help kids, I have boys signed up to classes I will run, more just fighting techniques, helping them use a weapon, not to make them careers but in case they do get reaped, a small centre is being built, I guess I'm on the high way to redemption, I know Cohen would want this and Alyse had a heart of gold she would want to know she didn't die for nothing

I want to know I didn't win for nothing, I just walk away a few boys waving at me when I walk past the grain yards "How is everything" I ask

"Great, I actually was able to afford I big loaf of bread yesterday and this yellow stuff to put on it and this thingy to make it crunchy" Nicholas one of the orphan boys said, we always made sure that people that want to work there do, so that's mainly women and man who worked at Elara's church, the capitol were even nice enough to send builders to help

Myren said it's because I was what they wanted me to be, that my games were voted the best even more then Aden's, the orphanage should be finished in a few days along side the housing, we built in where the rich use to live, and going to turn the orphanage into houses for the non workers to stay "Yeah mean butter and a toaster" I say

"Yeah yeah, thank mate, like really thank you" He says

"Wasn't just me" I say

"I'm serious like, I use to get teased or pushed around now nothing like that happens even the black market dudes are cool" he says

"I'm still Robin Hood" I chuckle he just smiles at me

"Here have extra give it to your buddies to" I say handing him a roll of cash

"Thank you" he says again

"No problem" I say, I guess it's nice to be a giver, I took five (well four and a half) lives, four kids that didn't deserves to died the way they did, even a nut job like Campbell and Kieran they deserved to get help, not be thrown in a game and be forced to be animals

Because deep down they had mindset of ones, Kieran was like a alarmed puppy that heard voices and didn't know where they came from and Campbell was a baby wolf that liked mauling people

I guess I was no different to a animal, a heartless boy, but now I want to change that, i keep walking just kick in the stones from the concrete, Myren told me to get out of the house for the day, I don't think he meant to talk to the small Memorial I made for my dead bully I'm out as the rain slowly pours a little bit of short hair sticking to my forehead when normally it clung to my eye brows

But this is the new boy, it was the old me, the best mate of Camden, I did miss that boy even if I hated him, he was a lot stronger then the boy who hated the boy, who was consumed by anger who tortured a innocent girl

I keep walking when I make it to the east side not even realising I walked into elite territory as I just duck behind a walk when I here a boy about my age and another boy

The younger one has ripping clothing yet the older one is wearing a suit, the elite of the elite, I didn't even know this area existed "I don't care what that runt says, this is my territory so get out of here you dog"

"I was just taking a walk" He mumbles

"Or looking for money to steal after your mummy and daddy were killed and you have no where to go, I said get the fuck out of here the mayor may think the poor and orphan rats like you deserve more help but we don't want filth in our city, The second that dog Xander won, we age been pariahs yet my father is a high business owner, in the capitol so get out of I will show you my fists" the rich snob said

I didn't see them during my victory speech, normally the work to the east side is long and peacekeepers never let us through where the previous rich folks use to get

"Back off" I say when the old boy grabs the younger one by the scruff of the jumper

"Oh and there he is, the almighty victor tell this idiot to get out of my territory" The boy says throwing the younger boy to me as I just catch him by the shoulders

Actually this boy looks familiar

"Touch him again and I will show your head where the bricks are" I growl

He just struts off "Your Alistair right" I say just stepping back, his father was the secretary I think I beat him up a few weeks before the games for money, I don't know he just let me

Like how I use to, just let someone beat me

He just nods "They killed your family" I ask

"All of them, were at home when the bombings happen I wasn't and the orphanage at the time didn't let me stay" he says

"Where have you been staying" I ask

"In the forest, I was going to see if I can join the new one but there is no point taking someone's spot" he says

"Do you work" I ask

"I just started in the factory, they don't know I'm homeless though, I'm worried they would laugh at me, everyone hated my father, I had to lie about my name" he says

"You can't live in the forest" I say

He just looks at me, I don't know I pitied this kid I guess he was nice and he did give me money, even though the bullying has stopped the street boys won't welcome him and clearly he wouldn't know how to survive alone he was raised with a silver spoon "To he honest I don't really like living in a big house on my own, your welcome to stay, you don't have to work if you won't want to, I'm going to start running a small facility you can join, I mean if you live in the streets you will get eaten out there, your a well built boy but some more muscle on that frame and you could get your band in now time" I say

"You sure" he says

"Yeah" I say smiling

I am on a road to redemption after all and I guess it would be nice to have company, this kid was nice, his father was a dick but he was sweet, even if we are going to help the street boys he won't be welcome, I could buy him a house Nd get home to work but I do want company, I don't want to make myren feel like my baby sitter

"Thank you, I can't blame you for hating me" he says

"I didn't hate you I hated your father but we were alike, I took beatings too eventually I snapped" I say

I lead him back through the district "Do you know why they bombed half the district" he says

"Something about a riot did you know" I ask

"To be honest I sort of ran away from home a few weeks ago, that's when I got a job" he says

"But the boys knew who you were" I ask

"Threaten to cut me up and give me to my parents for money" he says

"They are really nice guys" I chuckle

He just smiles at me "Thanks Xander I really do appreciate it" He says

"No problem I mean you could be in danger you know being the secretaries son let's hope they don't rig you in" I say

"What if they do" he says

"Let's not think about it" I say

I guess this is my new life how, trying to be a good person

This is my road to redemption