Chapter 19: Dying; Living?
"AVADA KEDAVRA!"
Harry had not even opened his mouth to resist. His mind was blank, his wand pointing uselessly at the floor.
I'm going to die.
But the headless golden statue of the wizard in the fountain had sprung alive, leaping from its plinth, and landed on the floor with a crash between Harry and Voldemort, arms extended in a shield. The spell merely glanced off its chest as the statue flung out its arms, protecting Harry.
"What-?" Voldemort trailed off, staring around. "Dumbledore!'
Harry looked behind him, his heart pounding. Dumbledore was standing in front of the golden gates. Powerful magic-terrible magic-rippled through the air as the two of them dueled.
"There is nothing worse than death, Dumbledore!" Voldemort snarled.
"You are quite wrong."
Moments later Voldemort was gone, as suddenly as he had appeared, disappearing into the water of the fountain as nothing but a shadow
"MASTER!" Bellatrix screamed.
"HARRY?!" Harry turned to see his godfather, his face contorted with pain and panic, looking around desperately.
Sure it was over, sure Voldemort had decided to flee, wanting nothing more than to run to Sirius, Harry made to run out from behind his statue guard, but Dumbledore bellowed, "Stay where you are, Harry!"
For the first time, Dumbledore sounded frightened. But Harry looked around in confusion, the battle appeared to be over, what was Dumbledore worried about?
And then Harry's scar burst open. He knew he was dead: it was pain beyond imagining, pain past endurance...
He was gone from the hall, he was locked in the coils of a creature with red eyes, so tightly bound that Harry did not know where his body ended and the creature's began. There fused together, bound by pain, and there was no escape-
And when the creature spoke, it used Harry's mouth, so that in his agony he felt his jaw move…
"Kill me now, Dumbledore…"
"NO!"
He could not tell who had shouted. Blinded and dying, every part of him screaming for release, Harry felt the creature use him again…
"If death is nothing, Dumbledore, kill the boy…"
Let the pain stop, Harry thought. Let me die...End it...Death is nothing compared to this…
"NO!" The same person from before shouted and he felt himself pulled into someone's arms, held tightly and rocked as the agony ripped through every fiber of his being. "You can't have him!"
Sirius.
Cedric. Ron. Hermione. Remus. Thea…
Love. Warmth.
He was loved, and he was capable of loving. Harry was not the lonely, unloved boy in the cupboard. There was reason to live, reason to fight. Of course, there was still pain. There would always be pain. But together they were stronger; together it was bearable.
You're the weak one... Harry thought. And you'll never know friendship or love. And I feel sorry for you.
And, as Harry's heart filled with emotion, the creature's coils loosened, and the pain was gone. It left him cold, shivering as if he lay on ice. Harry melted into the embrace of his godfather, ragged sobs tearing their way out of his chest.
"Shh, Harry," Sirius's voice was soft. "It's alright now...I've got you…"
Cedric was running as fast as his feet could take him even as his muscles were aching and trembling; he tore his way out of the elevator before it had opened entirely…
The Atrium was full of people. The floor was reflecting emerald-green flames that had burst into life in all the fireplaces along one wall, and a stream of witches and wizards were emerging from them. Sirius was helping Harry to his feet, Dumbledore was standing by, the emotions on his face unreadable…
Cedric was across the distance between them in seconds, wrapping Harry in his good arm, pulling him close even as he sagged with exhaustion. A moment later, Sirius pulled them both into a hug. Harry was crying against his chest, Cedric was crying even as he buried his face in Harry's hair.
Earth and peppermint...blood…
Mom.
She was gone, and the weight of that was starting to settle on his shoulders as reality. And it hurt worse than any physical pain he had endured.
"He was there!" shouted a scarlet-robed man with a ponytail, who was pointing at a pile of golden rubble on the other side of the hall. "I saw him, Mr. Fudge, I swear, it was You-Know-Who, he grabbed a woman and Disapparated!"
"I know, Williamson, I know, I saw him too! Fudge gibbered, looking terrified. "Merlin's beard-here-here!-in the Ministry of Magic-great heavens above-it doesn't seem possible-my word-"
"SIRIUS BLACK!" someone shouted hysterically. "THAT'S SIRIUS BLACK!"
"He's trying to get Harry Potter!"
All around them wizards and witches in robes were scrambling forward, wands out and pointed at Sirius.
"NO!" Harry screamed, his voice edging on hysteria, wrenching away from Cedric. "NO-YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"
"Step away from that man!" Fudge was shouting, pointing a pudgy towards Sirius.
"Cornelius!" Dumbledore's voice boomed. "You will not be taking this man back to Azkaban!"
"He is a criminal! A mass murderer!"
"He has not been given a fair trial!" Dumbledore said flatly. "Take him into custody if you must, but he will not return to Azkaban. You will call an emergency session of the Wizengamot to try him, immediately."
Stiffly, Fudge nodded, gesturing to the Aurors.
"He's innocent!" Harry screamed. "You have to-You can't!"
"Harry," Sirius's voice was strangely empty as he gently rested a hand on his godson's shoulder. There was something deeply pained beneath the forced evenness. "Let it go. Dumbledore will protect me. We'll see each other again soon-I promise ."
"No…" Harry's voice was barely a whisper. Cedric pulled him close with his one good arm, knowing both of them were on the verge of collapsing.
Sirius tried to smile and failed, he was crying too...and then he was gone, taken away by the Aurors, disappearing in a pillar of green flame...and the moment he was gone Cedric realized he had not told Sirius that Remus survived and someone had Apparated him to Hogwarts to recover.
A lot of people were shouting at once again. Fudge wanted them to tell him everything, but Dumbledore insisted on sending Harry and Cedric back to Hogwarts. A Portkey was handed to them.
Cedric stared at it for a moment, suddenly gripped by a strange, paralyzing terror…
"It's okay," Harry said softly, squeezing tighter with the arm wrapped around Cedric's waist. "I've got you."
Harry's feet hit solid ground in Dumbledore's office; his knees buckled a little but he managed to keep him and Cedric upright long enough for them to maneuver to the stone stairs that led up to Dumbledore's desk and sit down. For a long moment they were silent, Harry holding Cedric in his embrace, cradling him in his arms, wishing for all the world there was something-anything-that could be done to hold back the horror of what had happened.
And then Cedric fell apart.
Cedric never fell apart. He was the rock of certainty in the stormy seas of Harry's life, a protector of all that was good and whole in the world. But Cedric had been deeply hurt, he was shaking uncontrollably with the after tremors of the Cruciatus. He had endured the darkest of nightmares.
There they were, alive on the other side of the nightmare. At what cost?
Sirius was in Ministry custody. Remus almost died. Thea...
The first pained sob was quiet, muffled against Harry's chest. The potions Harry had given him in the middle of the battle were wearing off, Cedric was trembling almost violently. Cedric clutched at Harry's shirt with his good hand, desperately fisting his fingers into the fabric, clinging to him like he was afraid Harry might turn into smoke. In moments, Cedric was weeping.
Harry screwed his eyes shut against the tears, exhaustion dragging at his soul. Unbidden, a memory floated to the surface of his mind; Thea, smiling softly-motherly-handing him a cup of tea, telling him…
A memory of the summer that was once painted in emotions of love and happiness and warmth had turned bitter and dark. She was gone, and even then, that seemed unthinkable. Someone so strong, so unshakable, didn't just...
But she had. Thea Diggory was dead. She was gone.
"Cedric…" Harry's voice broke even as he searched for some, any word of comfort to give him. "Cedric, it's okay now. You're safe. I'm safe. We're safe. I've got you." He was talking through the tears, positive he could feel shards of his heart ripping their way out of his chest.
Harry knew if he ever faced Bellatrix Lestrange with a wand in hand again she would die.
"I was so afraid," Cedric whimpered softly. "I thought I'd never see you again. Harry, you could have-"
"And I would have," Harry said firmly, breaking apart only to rest his forehead against Cedric's and stare intently into his eyes. "That's a choice that belongs to me."
"Harry, she's-" Cedric sobbed, and the pain his voice deepened the ache in Harry's heart.
"She's gone," Harry said softly, his voice trembling.
Harry's gaze drifted down to Cedric's arm, suspended in a hastily conjured sling that would surely dissolve at any moment. Cedric is still in pain, he belatedly realized. Cedric was still shaking horribly and his wrist... Cedric needs medical attention.
"C'mon," Harry said, standing himself up through sheer force of will, still crying, "To the Hospital Wing. No arguments."
Numbly, Cedric let him pull him up and shakily, they made their way down the corridors of Hogwarts. It was dark, silent, eerily peaceful and calm. It didn't seem quite right, that everything there would be so... normal with how horrific the night had been.
It seemed to take them forever to reach the double doors of the Hospital Wing. Harry could feel the pain of exhaustion, of physical wounds, of...grief dragging him down with every step. He couldn't even imagine how Cedric was feeling. When they finally did reach the Hospital Wing, Harry was supporting the majority of Cedric's weight and was sure any moment he would collapse.
The Hospital Wing was far from empty, and everyone looked like that had been through hell. Ron was lying in the nearest bed, his arms wrapped in bandages. Next to him was Hermione, who was still unconscious but looked but much improved from the last time Harry had seen her. Gavin was in the next bed, sleeping. James was slumped against the bed, also asleep, and someone had rested a blanket over his shoulders. Ginny, Luna and Neville were sitting nearby, quietly conversing. Ginny had her arm around Luna's shoulders.
Remus was in a bed across from them, unconscious but clearly alive. Harry felt a small coil of tension in his chest loosen-Cedric had succeeded then. Remus would live.
Tonks and the other Order members were not present, but that made sense, they were likely to have been taken to St. Mungo's.
Harry saw Amos from across the room, sitting in a hospital chair with his head resting in his hands, beside a hospital bed...a hospital bed that was not empty but was covered completely by a white sheet...a hospital bed that held a patient who would never recover...and felt himself stiffen. The man's face was streaked with tears, he seemed to have aged decades in hours, his eyes were staring out at the world with a haunted light. He knew what had happened.
And Harry felt guilt blossoming and festering in his chest. Maybe if he had just tried harder to get a message to Sirius sooner. Maybe if he had just fought harder. Maybe if he had just...not pulled Cedric, and by extension Thea, into his life...then, maybe, she would be here.
Amos was the first to see them. He was on his feet and across the room in a heartbeat, wrapping them both in a fiercely tight embrace, as if he was afraid they might turn to smoke or ash before him, crying softly into Harry's shoulder.
"Thank Merlin," his voice was cracking, choking on tears, "Thank Merlin you're both okay. You're safe now boys. You're safe."
And Harry felt something in his heart dissolve, and he let it.
Madam Pomfrey was on them a second later, muttering to herself as she transfigured one bed to be larger and commanded Harry and Cedric to lay down. Amos helped them, and Harry knew they would have likely collapsed on their own. Harry stayed close to Cedric, curling around him and holding his good hand tightly.
Both of them accepted the various potions she handed them wordlessly, too tired to object. When she asked how long they both had been held under the Cruciatus, Harry had an estimate for himself but Cedric…Madam Pomfrey ended up just giving him the highest dosage she could.
Merlin, Cedric, how did you survive? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
It came time to undue the bandage that had been hastily wrapped around Cedric's wrist. The burn looked horrible, Harry didn't even want to contemplate how it had been created. At the sight of it, Harry nearly puked.
Madam Pomfrey looked grim. After minutes upon minutes of spell casting, once the wound looked about two weeks old, she asked Cedric to try moving his fingers. It pained him, and the movements were horribly stiff. The tremors were ever present.
Cedric was crying again, and so was Harry. He wasn't actually certain at any point they stopped.
"If it is still your intention to pursue a career as a Healer, Mr. Diggory," Madam Pomfrey said quietly, resting a hand on Cedric's shoulder. "You should know I will be resubmitting my recommendation with the highest marks possible and an advisement they waive the interview requirement. From the accounts of your friends, I have no doubt you saved Miss Granger's and Mr. Lupin's lives. You have proven yourself many times over."
Madam Pomfrey left them with strict instructions to rest. Amos came by to sit with them, until the Matron herded him to a bed. Dumbledore came by at one point, asking to speak to Harry, and Harry was sure if he hadn't dropped the request a moment later he would have gotten a couple wands pulled on him. The Headmaster's gaze shifted to Harry and Cedric and rested there, his eyes uncharacteristically sad.
"Is Sirius okay?" Harry asked flatly, too tired to be even remotely polite.
"I have assured his safety," Dumbledore said quietly, drifting over to them. "Harry...Cedric..I know how you are feeling."
"No, you don't," Harry said, suddenly angry again and so tired of being angry.
"There is no shame in what you are feeling," Dumbledore continued. "On the contrary...the fact that you can feel pain like this is your greatest strength."
"Our greatest strength is it?" Harry said, his voice shaking as he pushed himself to his feet. Cedric didn't make a move or a sound in protest. "You haven't got a clue...You don't know…"
"Harry…" Cedric's voice was quiet, strained.
"This pain is part of being human."
"Then I don't want to be human," Harry muttered, returning the bed and interlacing his fingers again with Cedric's.
"Albus, my patients need to rest," Madam Pomfrey said, her voice flat and stern. "I must insist you leave." For a moment it looked like he might fight, but then the Headmaster was gone.
Knowing human contact helped, needing to be as close to Cedric as possible, Harry lay down, drew Cedric against his chest, wrapped his arms around him tightly. "I've got you," he repeated, a desperate promise, almost a prayer-like oath. "We're safe now. I'm here."
Thea was gone. Harry's brain was just truly beginning to process that; a week ago the idea she would not be at Grimmauld was as absurd as someone suggesting one of the mountains surrounding Hogwarts was just going to disappear. He felt hollow at the thought, like someone had scooped some of the joy out of his heart. It wasn't until that moment-until she was gone-Harry truly began to realize he had looked towards Thea Diggory for something he had never truly remembered having...a mother.
Cedric was badly hurt. He had endured the darkest of nightmares, and though he had survived, it had left its mark. Harry wondered if he would ever regain proper movement in his left hand, or find any way to lessen the tremors...would Cedric ever be able to play piano again?
Remus nearly died. The memory of him unconscious, straining horribly as the spell Cedric used to keep him alive tore through his body, was among the ones that would never leave Harry. He could have very easily not have survived.
Tonks, Mad-Eye, Shacklebolt, Ginny, Neville, Gavin, James, Ron, Hermione, and Luna...so many hurt. So many they almost lost.
Sirius was taken captive. Sirius was out there somewhere, alone, held by people who saw him as nothing but a criminal. Did he even know Remus had survived? Surely Dumbledore would protect him, right? Harry didn't think he could handle losing his godfather too-not after everything that had happened. It wasn't fair.
None of this was remotely fair.
This is war, a quiet, unshakable thought announced to his mind. The Second War has begun.
Harry didn't have the energy to hold up the dams of his mind against the floods of emotions accompanying this. Familiar anxiety and dread, buzzing insatiably at the edge of every thought. Regret and guilt, stabbing into him like a physical blade. Horrible, deep sorrow eating out from the center of his being like a necrotic darkness, sinking roots into every part of his life.
And in that moment, he wished nothing more than for the ability to take away the pain from those he loved.
"Harry?" Cedric's voice was quiet, edging on sleep brought about by sheer exhaustion.
"I'm here, Cedric," Harry said immediately, squeezing his hand.
"Love you," he mumbled, turning into Harry's side tighter. " 'm glad we're alive."
"Love you too, always," Harry said softly, his breath catching on tears.
Cedric was not broken, and Harry would yell at anyone-including Cedric-who said as much. Machines, things , break. Cedric was very much alive; if nothing else, the pain he was undoubtedly in was testament to that at least. Cedric survived. He was not broken, he was wounded, and wounds only heal with time.
And Harry had to believe they were capable of healing, because if they weren't he had no idea how they were going to go on living.