Stay calm. Clear your mind. Don't let him in. You've done it before, you can do it again.
Natalie's thoughts echoed loudly in her head, using all the mental strength she had to ensure those were the only things left in her mind. Her eyes were screwed shut, eyebrows pushed in together towards the middle of her forehead, leaving little wrinkles on the skin between her eyes.
Rowe had started practicing Legilimency on her, attempting to break into her mind and find information on the Order since she was still refusing to say anything. It had been weeks now, the Death Eaters keeping her in the basement and giving her just enough scraps of food and dirty water to keep her alive but famished and dehydrated. She was exhausted at the incessant questioning and torture, Rowe still coming down several times every day and cursing her to the point where she could no longer think or move her body. It was difficult to keep her mind sharp and present, but she had come this far and she wouldn't give up yet.
The first time the salt-and-pepper haired Death Eater tried to enter her mind, she hadn't been expecting it and, in turn, hadn't known how to stop it. It was a strange feeling, knowing he was rifling through her memories like a picture book, looking through the pages until he found one that sparked his interest and viewing it with delight. She saw moments flash in front of her, ones she had lived already, ones she had long forgotten. Fighting the spell was tough, it took every ounce of mental capacity she had just to shut out a memory, much less stop the assault all together. Natalie pushed him out eventually, sweating and breathing as if she had just come back from a long run. The only things Rowe saw were the events leading up to her joining the Order, and when she finally went to the old headquarter house, things he already knew.
He had been very close to finding some of the answers he had been looking for and he knew as much. Furious that she managed to stop him, he lashed out and cursed her worse than he ever had, the force of it pushed her back roughly into the wall behind her. Her head cracked against the wall and left her reeling, immediately dizzy and unable to focus. She was vaguely aware that she must have been bleeding, something warm and wet dripping down her head onto the back of her neck. It was all too much, the incredible pain from the curse mixed with the sudden head injury, and she felt herself falling over, ready to pass out at any second. Just before she did, Rowe came up and kicked her hard in the stomach, sending her over the edge into the sweet embrace of unconsciousness.
Since then, Rowe had repeatedly tried to break back into those memories, to pick back up where he left off and gain knowledge from deep within Natalie's thoughts. He had no such luck. The biggest mistake he made was leaving Natalie alone for an entire day after the first attempt, and after she regained consciousness she did nothing but focus on clearing her mind of anything and everything. She knew from her time at school the theory on how to use Occlumency, though the professors never taught it or spoke about it in detail. But a theory was good enough, using the little know-how she had and letting it blossom to the point that she could hold off the Death Eater long enough for him to get frustrated, where he would then lose his edge and wouldn't be able to get back into her head.
It seemed as though the other Death Eaters were constantly underestimating her, though she thought that Rowe was quickly picking up on the fact that she was more powerful than he first anticipated. She surprised him every time he tried a new approach at getting her to divulge her secrets, and she knew he was getting more and more angry every time he left the basement room empty handed, figuratively.
Now, Rowe was in front of her, wand extended towards her, trying his absolute hardest to push through Natalie's mental block. She was concentrating on nothing but the thoughts in her mind, or lack thereof, and couldn't see the look of utter fury on the Death Eater's face as her eyes were shut tight. She kept repeating her initial thoughts, keeping her mind blank, every now and then letting little snippets of memories through on accident, fortunately nothing detailed enough to really tell what they were. I'm getting pretty good at this, she thought smugly, knowing he would hear it in his brain, and that thought sent the man in front of her into a rage.
He dropped to his knees and took Natalie's throat into his empty hand, his wand pointed at her face threateningly. He squeezed, cutting off any possibility of getting oxygen into her body. Natalie struggled against him, not able to breathe, feeling her face becoming red from exertion. "Tell me what you know about the Order of the Phoenix, now!" he screamed at her, flecks of spittle flying her way. Rowe had lost control momentarily and even though Natalie was very aware how close he was to ending her entire existence, she let the corners of her mouth turn up into a rye smile, an act that she knew would infuriate the man even more. He saw the smile and let go of her throat, lifted up his arm and backhanded Natalie across the cheek. She tasted blood at the corner of her mouth as her head flew to the side but didn't care, she was too busy sucking down deep breaths of air into her empty lungs.
Rowe was standing again, looking down his nose at her. "Fine, you don't want to talk to me?" He was practically shaking, trying to gain back his composure, fighting the anger pumping through his veins. "Let's hear you scream, then." His wand flashed out in front of him, the word Crucio leaving his lips slowly.
These days, Sirius had a one track mind. Find Natalie. That was all he thought about, all he focused on, the only action he ever took was to get closer to that end result. He still went out on missions, still captured Death Eaters, but instead of taking them directly to the Ministry he would take it upon himself to do little interrogations. It didn't get him anywhere, mostly the wizards would just laugh in his face. James and Remus were uncomfortable with it, they said he should leave it to the Ministry, if the Death Eaters knew anything surely the Ministry would let them know right away. Sirius didn't trust the Ministry, though. He knew they were focused on their efforts in ending the war, in gaining an upper hand over the Death Eaters and their Dark Lord. Why would they give a shit about some witch they didn't know? Sirius was convinced that if he didn't question the people they caught, he would never get any answers, never get any closer to getting her back.
He was pushing his friends away, though they tried their damnedest not to let him. Before, he would spend hours upon hours with them, talking and laughing, practicing their dueling and spells, enjoying their company. Now, he sulked around the house, keeping to his room unless he had to eat or leave the house for the Order. He was stressed to the point that it was no longer healthy, his body was always sore from being incredibly tense, he had a constant headache because his mind never stopped moving, thinking himself dizzy, going around in circles day after day. Sleeping was laughable, insomnia had set in recently and he found himself getting only a few short hours of relief a night.
James and Remus were going through similar changes, something that Lily and Peter noticed and tried to help with, but something they never shared with Sirius. They knew trying to sympathize with him or trying to talk to him about what was happening wouldn't be good for anyone. The few times they had attempted to talk to him in the last few weeks went beyond badly, ending in Sirius lashing out and breaking things, once putting his fist through a wall and then locking himself in his room for hours on end.
Natalie's disappearance was hard on everyone and no one knew the right way to handle the things they were feeling and experiencing. They all felt incredibly helpless, foolish and scared, hopeless - though they never talked about that one. It was slowly setting in that their friend had been gone for far too long, long enough that the thought crossed each and every one of their minds several times that perhaps they should stop looking for her, afraid that if they did eventually get to her they would be horrified at what they found. No one shared that, no one ever let another person know about that singularly terrible thought. James and Lily talked of course, and James and Remus could often be seen in dark corners of the house speaking in hushed tones.
Sirius tried to stay strong and stoic, but he couldn't keep up appearances for very long. One night, his grief was so strong that he couldn't hold it back from washing over him completely, and he gave into the awful feelings of guilt and powerlessness he harbored. It was very late at night, the house was quiet and dark but if someone listened closely they might have been able to hear crying coming from Sirius' room. It was one of the only times he had let himself go, let himself feel everything he tried to push away in efforts to stay standing. He was on the floor, shoulders wracked with sobs, physical strength giving way to fatigue so that he couldn't get himself to move. Hot tears fell down his face, hands clenched into fists, pitiful sounds escaping his mouth, and he felt ashamed. Ashamed because he couldn't keep it together, because he couldn't find the woman he loved so desperately, ashamed because he was supposed to be better than this.
He missed her, longed for her so much it hurt, his chest always tight and cramped. All he wanted to do was find her, wrap his arms around her and tell her he would never let this happen to her again, that she was safe now and that he wouldn't let anyone else hurt her for the rest of his life, no matter what he had to do. He could still feel his fingers running through her hair, so soft and light blonde. At times he swore he caught whiffs of her, always smelling the same - lilac, like the soap Natalie would travel deep into the city to purchase, only buying it from one specific shop because 'no one else makes it right'. That smell calmed him, reminded him that it didn't matter where he was in the world, home was with her.
Why hadn't he said any of these things to her before the Death Eaters took her? Sirius could have kicked himself, he should have been letting her know how much he loved her, adored her, every single day. They never even talked about their feelings after her return, something he knew she had been waiting for him to bring up. It had been too painful to think about at the time and he wanted to keep things fun and easy, knowing that the second they sat down to talk about the year she was gone it would ruin things, make their relationship harder. Regret settled at the bottom of his heart and he hoped more than anything that she knew somewhere deep down that he wasn't angry with her over anything, that from the moment they kissed in that closet at Grimmauld Place he forgave her for everything. He would tell her as much when he finally got her back, when he would finally be able to hold her close and feel the warmth of her body against his, when he could finally feel her heartbeat and assure himself she was okay.
He told himself these things but wasn't completely convinced they would happen. It was hard to stay optimistic. It was hard to keep his head held high. But he did it anyway.