gemsofformenos: "It feels a bit like the big showdown is getting closer." Maybe? Like I actually legit don't know, this fic actually has way less of an outline than my last few long fics. Actually it kinda doesn't have an outline other than what I want the end to be like lol. So this one I'm typing totally as I go again lmao. #ResponsibleWritingTactics "Azula is becoming more and more her old self when it comes to tactic and planning." There is an overlap between her old and new self, that's for sure. "And she still is the same when it comes to hide emotions to some degree." While she does have more trust and such, she still feels kind of awkward about expressing herself. She doesn't like feeling so exposed. "I love how you bring her old confidence back and at the same time she still is so careful and to some degree seems to try to brush off these deeper emotions she's feeling for Sokka." Lmao she's confidingly bold and not-quite-confident at the same time when it comes to things like love and expressing it. "I like the idea that Sokka seem to want this big brother talk from Zuko cause he understands his position so much." Sokka knows what he wanted when Katara started dating Aang (granted, Aang is a marshmallow who wouldn't hurt anyone lol) so he'd want to talk with Zuko about that kind of stuff. "Another reason why she still might be insecure about her feelings and why she tries to brushes them off is linked with the plans." True, Azula doesn't want things to get in the way of her goals and romantic feelings are very good at getting in the way and clouding thoughts. She doesn't exactly want the distraction now that she is going to be putting herself back in the path of danger. "But due to the things she has done she has no clue how getting back her memories would affect her. She really doesn't want to loose this connection." Exactly, this is a source of apprehension for her. "The way she took Sokka's hand proves it. Such a perfect scene to end this chapter and a great moment." Thank you, I really enjoy putting in little moments like that. And you're welcome. :D
RadioDog77: *insert laughcry emoji* That's why I pretty much never read the reviews on fics by other writers. I always get spoiled lmao! If you your theory was right, you'll have to let me know. :P I can see pros and cons of both methods; the long game would help ease her into it and provides many more moments for some angst and fluff. But if she gets punched in the face (or brain) with all of her memories at once then I can see her having one big moment of hurt/comfort. But yeah, topics like her father would likely create a huge conflict between her old memories and her new. Thank you so much! This time around, you don't have to wait long.
They are on another boat almost immediately after leaving the first. Azula is beginning to think that the majority of her life has been spent on boats. When she had said that she wanted to get things moving right away, she hadn't expected Zuko to call a meeting within the hour of their homecoming. She certainly hadn't anticipated it to conclude so quickly and with new plans for stricter and lengthier patrols and a promise for a deeper search for anyone with a connection to the Vine Research Facility. She had only a night in her own bed and then she was packing again. Not that she isn't pleased that things are moving so quickly.
Even still, she is just about as apprehensive as Katara is thrilled to be venturing back into the relentless frigidness of the poles. She wishes that she can be on the boat head for the Earth Kingdom and Lake Laogai. She has only just begun to truly appreciate the Fire Nation sun on her skin and she is straying from it once more.
Her phantom finger tingles at the thought of a reunion with the nippy winds.
Azula sits on deck watching her homeland fade into a speck on the horizon. "Maybe I can heal those for you." Katara gestures to the scars. "If we have some time, there's this spirit oasis in the north…"
"No!" Azula says much too quickly. "I'd rather not leave one freezing place for another." She brushes her fingers over the lightly raised skin. "I don't mind them anyways. I hadn't even noticed they were there for a while." She shrugs. She doubts that Katara would have if she hadn't made a show and tell of them at the council meeting.
"Are you sure?"
Azula nods, "I think that they suit me."
"I can't disagree there." Zuko props himself up against the banister.
"Have you and Sokka been getting along?" Katara asks. "He mentioned that you guys really patched things up at Fire Lake."
"Yes." Azula confirmed. "He has been very helpful."
Katara smiles. "He's been saying a lot of nice things about you to Aang and the others."
Azula returns the smile, though she is still somewhat nervous for the dinner time conversation.
.oOo.
Sokka thinks that the only reason he has managed to get Azula out of her cabin and into galley is because he has linked his arm around hers and practically dragged her there. As he recalls, the last conversation that they all had together had been awkward.
As expected, Azula sits rather quietly, only opening her mouth to taste the dish in front of her. He watches her crinkle her nose and mutter, "more sea food." This time there are no alternatives so she forces herself to stomach it. He tries not to laugh at her assortment of appalled faces. "This is worse than your cooking." She remarks on one occasion.
"Gee, thanks." Sokka grumbles.
"Hey! Hey!" Toph bursts out. "Show me fire finger again!"
Azula blinks.
"Come on! If you hold it close enough, I might be able to feel its shape."
"Alright, come over here then." She gives a reflexive beckoning hand gesture.
Toph springs up from her chair and waits for Azula to make good on her promise. The princess holds her hand just close enough to Toph for her to be able to feel the heat. "Sweet." She chuckles as she makes her way back to her seat.
"Getting more comfortable?" Sokka asks quietly.
"A little, I suppose." Azula replies. Though her posture suggests that she is still having some difficulty adjusting to so much company.
"Tell them about how you escaped from the Vine Research Facility." He suggests.
"I'd rather not talk about that."
.oOo.
She'd rather not open that discussion, but she isn't sure what else to say. Especially not to Mai who still seems to have a particular hatred of her. Sokka, Zuko, Katara, and Toph seem to welcome her, Aang doesn't seem to mind her, and yet she still feels out of place. Like she is intruding in what would have been a tension free meal.
"Sokka told me that I killed you?" She looks at Aang. Decidedly, this isn't a great topic to be had over dinner.
"Yeah." He rubs the back of his head. "But I'm still here so...uh...yeah…"
"I don't remember why I did that." She says, feeling her cheeks begin to color. "But I suppose that I should apologize for that."
"That's a good start." Katara agrees.
They all look at her and it occurs to her that she is actually supposed to do that now. Apparently just mentioning that it is appropriate to apologize won't suffice. She clears her throat, "I'm sorry that I fully engulfed you in flames." It is terribly hard to offer such when she doesn't know precisely what she is apologizing for.
"You used lighting, see." He lifts his shirt. On his belly is a rough star shaped scar. Azula swallows. It is much too similar to the one she'd spied on Zuko earlier in the day when she'd caught him running through his firebending forms.
"Did I...give those out a lot." She gestures to the scar.
"Not too often, just twice. As far as I know." Aang replies.
The relief must have shown on her face because he offers her a reassuring smile. "Don't worry about it. It's healed now."
She thinks that he is being too nice. She doesn't think that she would be able to let something like that go so easily. "I gave the second one to my brother, didn't I?"
"Yeah." Katara answers. "It was scary to watch." She wraps her arms around herself.
Azula's stomach lurches again. It is just one more thing to add to her growing list of unlikable traits and past misdeeds. She very nearly asks Sokka what is wrong with her. Instead she has another bite of turtle crab. Her face scrunches. Even a tense conversation can't truly overpower her hatred of the dish.
"I guess that, that's why no one want to talk to me."
Sokka reaches under the table, takes her hand, and squeezes. "That's not true, Toph and Katara are talking to you now."
"Azula, you did some scary stuff." Katara cuts in. "Even if you don't remember it, it's really hard to…"
To be around me, she finishes.
"...For us to forget about it."
"Yes, I suppose that it would be." She glumly admits. "You're afraid that I'm going to do it again, yes?" She can't say that she isn't afraid of such.
"Something like that." Katara replies.
"But we gave Zuko another chance, so we're going to give you one too." Aang beams.
For the first time during that dinner, her belly tickles with something other than anxiety and shame. She decides that it might be hope. "Thank you."
Sokka squeezes her hand again.
Conversation is less tense from there; they talk more freely and about more mundane topics. About likes and dislikes and about hobbies and bending. There was a lighthearted debate about which element is the most superior. She was disappointed that Sokka's 'highly esteemed fifth element', the element of surprise, took victory. She had even managed a pleasant conversation with TyLee about a mutual dislike of the approaching cold.
And yet she still wandered back to her cabin with a sense of unease and a tinge of helplessness.
.oOo.
"Every time I hear more about my about myself, I like…me... less and less." Sokka watches her drop herself onto her mattress. "Haven't I done anything good for anyone?"
Sokka thinks for a moment. "That's the funny thing about wars. One side looks worse than the other."
Azula fixes her golden gaze upon him.
"There are a lot of people who think that you did good. I haven't talked to many of them, but there are a bunch of generals and soldiers who probably think that you were a great leader. You were doing what you thought was a good thing for your nation."
The princess nods, seemingly satisfied with his explanation. "I suppose, yes…"
"But…?"
"Everyone still looks at me like I'm going to either set this ship on fire at any moment or that I am going to set them on fire at any moment."
He nudges her, "you're an intimidating person, is all."
She rubs her arm, "apparently not intimidating enough."
He slings an arm over her shoulder. "You love my nudging and my terrible jokes."
Azula sniffs hauntily. "Your jokes make me want to pitch myself overboard."
"More or less than having to eat turtle-crab?"
"More."
Sokka shrugs. "Look, I'm just saying that everyone still has to get used to you. It was easy for Zuko because he's your brother. And it was easier for Katara because she saw you…" he almost says vulnerable, but decides that the princess wouldn't take well to that word choice. "Because she saw you right after you got out of the tundra. She has a soft spot for people who get hurt like that." He explains. "The others still need to get to know you, this you, better."
.oOo.
"This me." She mutters "But what about the old me. What's going to happen when I get my memories back?" What happens with the old clashes with the new. When old rivalries and resentments meet new bonds and kind gestures.
She anticipates confusion and turmoil. A maddeningly irresolvable inner conflict. She wonders which memories, which opinions and viewpoints will take precedence in her mind.
"You'll keep making progress, that's what." He answers quite boldly. "That's what you're good at, making progress and pushing forward. You're still going to remember all of this."
"But what if I decide that my old memories and opinions are more valuable to me. What if they're more dominant?"
"So what if they are?" He alters the question. "You're more like the old you than you realize."
Her stomach lurches again. Once more, she is certain that her discomfort displays on her face.
"That's not a bad thing." He smiles softly. "There were so many great things about the old you. You were...are resilient and determined and strong." He pauses. "You're confident and to the point and you're smart and cunning."
"Keep going." She prompts with a half smirk.
"And you don't need any more ego stroking…" He trails off with a chuckle. "You were all of those things before and you still are, you just channel them differently than before."
Azula clasps her hands over her belly as though that will steal away the nervous fluttering. "Yes, but if I get my memories back then I might decide to channel those things as I always have. I might get my memories back and decide that the things I hated about Zuko are more potent than the things I like about him now…"
"Then I guess you'll just have to form really powerfully good memories now." He shrugs.
She stares at the ceiling, the boat lolls and rocks. She likes to think that all of her moments with Sokka will be enough to keep her soon to be inner conflict at bay.
"Hey?"
"Yes, Sokka?"
"Do you even want your memories back?"
"Of course I do." She replies. "I need them, they are mine and I am going to take back what is mine." And yet she fears what is hers more than anything else in the world. Perhaps more deeply than she fears the merciless tundra. "I need to know who I was. I need them."