A/N: It's 6 AM and I'm not quite happy with this chapter, but I'm throwing it up anyway.

TW: Scene of a mild sexual nature at the beginning of the chapter. (You can skip to the second section. CTRL+F ".oOo.")

Draco knew it was wrong.

Everything about his life was wrong, though, so why was this any different? If his sixteen-year-old self knew what he was about to do, he would have all sorts of words for it. Disgusting. Indecent. Depraved. Draco believed he had left all those notions behind, but the hate had only been redirected inward. It lingered.

He pulled the duvet back and slipped underneath, pulling it up to his shoulders. He forced down his trousers and pants in the same motion then tossed them onto the floor. Draco kept his shirt on; didn't need to see any more of his body than was necessary. He stretched, arched his back a little, then fell down with a heavy sigh. The sheets were cool against his legs as he stared up at the ceiling. A familiar pressure began to build in his stomach, as heat made its way south to settle between his legs.

It was impossible to ignore how different some of his memories felt. Each of Hermione's touches held a different meaning. Hermione looping her arm around his, a possessive hold when he was talking to Gabby, always insisting on a hug before he left. Perhaps she was just as touch-starved as he was.

Her party dress was fairly modest, so Draco's imagination did most of the work when he finally took himself in hand. Seeing her after all that time, he thought of Hermione in a way he hadn't allowed himself to consider before. His body shook at the sudden friction, a feeling that had been long-absent. His dick was hard from thinking back to how Hermione felt pressed up against him, her tits pressed against his chest during every hug. Her fingers clutching at the back of his robe ... Draco squeezed his eyes shut even tighter as the pressure continued to build. Release would not take long.

Merlin's fucking arse, though, it felt wrong. Thinking of Hermione like this when they hadn't even spoken about their relationship. What it was and what it could be. She was so much more than her tits and full lips and those wide eyes that always seemed to see too much ... It was wrong to think of her like this, to wonder what it would be like to have her legs wrapped around him.

Draco moaned and hastily groped for his wand to cast Muffliato at the door. The last thing he needed was someone hearing him groan Hermione's name mid-wank. Draco couldn't help himself; his body reacted vigorously to thoughts of Hermione in various states of undress. He had seen loads of faces in his fantasies throughout the years. Gabby featured more than Draco would like to admit, and Blaise even more so. There had been many one-nighters but they all ran together in his mind. Right then, all Draco's mind could conjure was Hermione's legs braced on either side of his torso as she sank down onto his dick. He practically threw his neck backward into the pillow, increasing the pressure of his fingers around his cock.

How easy it would be to let her take control, to use his body in a way no one else had. To let her enjoy it. Hermione would take what she wanted, hold Draco down against the bed and move her hips until he hit the perfect spot inside her. Draco groaned low in his throat as precome dripped from the tip of his cock.

His thoughts could no longer follow a linear path, instead only catching brief moments conjured by his imagination. Hermione's fingernails scratching trails down his back. Hermione glancing down to the space where their bodies were joined together between them. It was the thought of Hermione's lips around his dick that did him in.

Draco spit into his hand a couple times before wrapping his fingers around his cock again, squeezing until it hurt. He stroked once, then twice, base to tip, fingers lingering at that spot on the underside of the head that always made him see stars. Draco closed his eyes and spread the fluid around, continuing to work his cock between his fingers. What he wouldn't give for it to be Hermione doing this, for her to want to do it.

A few more firm strokes, Draco tugged at his balls and came seconds later. Come coated his chest underneath the duvet. Draco's mind was blank as he finally opened his eyes. His body continued to shake for several moments; denied release for months and making up for lost time. He laid there boneless, a limp mess hidden beneath the blankets.

Shame crept in, swallowing him a little bit at a time. Something had to be truly wrong if he was afraid to look at himself during a wank. If he couldn't look at himself naked, why the hell would anyone else want to? Hermione Granger sure as hell wouldn't. Draco vanished the remnants of his activities with a mumbled, Evanesco. He fell asleep soon after, worn out from the day and thoughts of tomorrow.

He fell asleep to the memory of Hermione's lips, feather-light against his cheek.

.oOo.

"You left again."

Gabriel Truman wasted no time. Gabriel whisked him into a chair the moment Draco stepped into Weeoanwhisker's. They were quiet while he placed the cape around Draco's neck and situated his supplies. As Gabriel began to wet Draco's hair, he wondered whether this was a good idea.

"My biggest fear coming back was that you all would hate me. That you would blame me for running away. Of course, the only one of you who did is my best friend." Draco stared at the first bits of hair that had fallen to the floor. "I am supposed to see him after this, but I cannot find a good reason to go."

"Are you planning to cut Zabini out of your life?"

"No, but — "

"Then there is your reason." Gabriel did not pause his work as he spoke. "All of us were angry, having worried about you for months, but we love you. You are an important part of this community so we forgave you and we should have done more for you. But Blaise ... Draco, mate, his wedding sent you into a relapse so bad you fled the country. How is he meant to cope with that?"

Draco whined, "I told him it was not his fault."

"And I can tell you that you'd look fantastic if you were three stone heavier, but will you believe me?"

Draco shook his head no and Gabriel groaned.

"Did you just shake your head? Are you fucking kidding me, Malfoy? I am holding scissors to your hair."

"Sorry."

"Oh, shut it, we both know if I fucked it up you wouldn't care. Just use it as another reason to hate yourself. I know how it works." He sighed heavily. Draco could tell that wasn't entirely about him; something was wrong. "Everyone took your disappearance hard, but Nott, Zabini, and Granger ... They had their own support group. I asked Romi why that would be, because she works for Granger and is good friends with Blaise. Him, I get, being your best mate he'd take it hard. Dean's handling it like a goddamn angel and I swear to you, I've never met a better man."

"I know," Draco admitted. "Dean has always been insecure about being with Blaise because he is the most beautiful person on the planet. It has always made me laugh because ..." Draco trailed off. He hadn't thought about the end of the war in a long while.

After several seconds of silence Gabriel asked, "Why?"

"My parents kept him in our fucking cellar for weeks! After the war, he forgave them without question. I have never known anyone so selfless. Blaise doesn't deserve him and we all know it, but Dean never cared because Blaise makes him happy."

"So why don't you give it a go?"

"How do you mean?"

"Maybe you try forgiving Blaise." Gabriel shrugged. "I don't even blame him, to be honest. I know that if you run away again I won't be here when you come back. I am still working through this with Romi and she is my priority; I can't balance your shit, too. However, I know that if I got married and my wedding caused my best mate do what you did, I'd be angry at myself, at him, and the entire fucking world. Give Blaise another chance and I think he'll come around."

"Maybe." Draco sighed and admitted, "It might be easier."

"Everyone was on edge. Bill said Granger wasn't quite the same. 'Busier' was the word he used, I think. Like she was trying to avoid thinking about you because if she stopped she'd fall apart." Gabriel caught Draco's gaze in the mirror for a moment. "It is putting a strain on her other friendships, you know. She has her own life and she tried to become part of yours."

Draco almost nodded, but thought better of it.

"She should not have done that."

Gabriel agreed, "Probably not, but she did. Stepping up to take care of the Nott kids, keeping Blaise and Theo in check, Weasley losing his bloody shit after the wedding — "

"What?"

"I guess you couldn't have heard. Some of her friends were under the impression you two were dating and it made things a little tense."

"Tense?"

"Bill says Ron tried to lecture her about associating with you — "

"If there is one way to get Hermione to do something, lecture her about why she shouldn't do it. She will show up with a ten-page report about why it is the most logical plan, complete with a foreword about why you're a twit."

"Apparently she gives as good as she gets. Granger told him to accept your friendship or piss off, and since Ron left her for one of her best friends he doesn't carry a lot of weight on this matter. Bill thought it was hilarious."

"It is funny," Draco admitted, "the thought of her being interested in me."

"Nott said you'd say that, but we've all got eyes, Malfoy. I have two of 'em, myself, and they work just fine. The way Granger looks at you? If Romi was looking at another man like that I'd knock him on his arse."

"We are friends."

"Mhmm, a friend who doesn't want you talking to your ex-girlfriends. A friend who nannies kids with you, defends you to her closest friends, takes you out twice a week ..."

"We are good friends, then." Draco said, "When Romilda started to recover from this, she had you. There was none of the struggle trying to start a relationship while figuring out where she stood with herself, you know? If I wanted Hermione, and I am not saying I do — "

"You really don't have to say it."

" — The man I am now would not be the person she ends up with when this is over. It is not fair to drag her through this."

"That's an excuse."

"A valid one, I think."

"Let me try this a different way, then. What do you like about her?"

Draco thought about it for a minute. What did he like about Hermione? When had a tiny crush blossomed into full-on pining? She wasn't exceptionally pretty, was judgemental about most things, and tended to speak before considering the impact of her words. Her fits of anger were bad enough to land her in therapy and she always believed she knew what was best for Draco. However, most times Draco hardly knew what was best for himself. And while her words may hurt, Granger wasn't a liar.

"I like that she takes up space."

Gabriel paused his work to ask, "What the hell does that mean?"

"She is small," Draco insisted, "but she takes up space. Her belief in her own power extends to the space around her." He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, trying to think of a better way to explain what he meant. "To Hermione, every problem has an answer and every situation can be handled. She has a presence about her that makes people take note and respect her. I have spent so much of my life trying to take up as little space as possible and she is the opposite. I admire that."

"What a weird fucking answer," Gabriel said with a laugh. "You are in so deep."

Draco groaned, "I know. I can't stop thinking about her and how I am not worth her time."

"If you truly believed that, you would have told her to leave a long time ago."

Draco conceded, "You're right. I do think that one day, if I can make it through this, I could work up the courage to ask her out." He paused to reassess. "Maybe."

Gabriel hummed and warned, "She won't wait forever."

"I know."

"Well, then, what are we doing about your beard?"

.oOo.

"You kept it."

Hermione was sitting on Blaise's front steps when Draco arrived. He was a bit late, not entirely convinced this was the right thing to do. He extended his hand to Hermione and she pulled herself into a standing position. She wore another nice outfit, a dress too nice for their usual Saturday activities.

"You look lovely today."

"I have a date."

That hit Draco harder than it should have. Isn't this what he expected all along? Hermione finding her unnamed love, the Luckless to her Amata. Though Draco felt rather luckless at the moment. He took a deep, slow breath in and asked,

"Are you giving up on me?"

Hermione smiled.

"Finally figured it out, did you?"

"I wondered why my disappearance hurt you," Draco admitted. "I wondered why our friendship means so much to us."

Hermione stepped closer to him and wondered, "What answer did you come up with?"

"I believe our friendship matters because it could be something more." Draco tugged lightly on one of Hermione's curls and watched it spring back into place. "With Gabby, Blaise, and Astoria I was always concerned about maintaining the present. I had to keep pretending to be okay, even when I wasn't. You give me a reason to look to the future."

Hermione replied, "I am not going to wait for you anymore."

"I won't ask you to." Draco sighed and took Hermione's hands in his own. "But once I am through this, when I am better — "

Hermione dropped his hands and said, "I don't need you to be better! It has never been about your eating disorder. You weren't ready for a relationship!"

Draco frowned.

"Because I can't eat."

"Because you hate yourself!" She threw her hands in the air and grumbled some choice expletives. "I am not going to be with another man who expects me to balance their feelings while they forget about mine. I don't need you to recover, I only ever needed you to try , Draco. Try to accept yourself for who you are so I won't have to do it for you."

"If you were me, would you be able to accept me as I am?"

"Yes!" she shouted. "I want this so much it kills me. All I see in you is progress and strength, and your face is lovely when you haven't got that awful beard. You used to be a complete arsehole to me, but now you're just the cute guy who falls asleep on my sofa. You are my friend, Draco, because you understand pain. I think if we gave this a go you might be able to love me in a way Ron couldn't. There is nothing I need to hide and I love that about you."

Draco admitted, "I am terrified of relapsing. There is so much pressure to get better that it makes everything more difficult. My entire adult life has revolved around food; avoiding it, shoving too much into my face, purging it. If I give that up, Hermione, I don't know the sort of person I will be."

Without hesitation, Hermione said, "You will be the sort of man who does not care what the world sees in him. You will be the boyfriend who gets excited for my promotions and cares about what I do at work every day. And I know, without a doubt, that you will be a damn good father."

Wow. Draco didn't know quite what to do with that. It was everything he hoped to be, and there was Hermione fucking Granger standing in front of him saying he could do just that. Be the person at her side, if only he could see it in himself. There was a brief moment where they both smiled at each other before Hermione seemed to remember where they were.

"Are they watching us through the window?"

He glanced over to see Blaise and Dean with their faces all but pressed against the glass. Draco laughed and hugged Hermione as tightly as he could. He would never understand how the hell he earned her friendship, but he was grateful to have it.

"When I get well, Hermione, it won't be for you. I have to do it for myself."

"Good."

"You can date and fuck whomever you want and I will not judge you. I do not expect you to be waiting in the wings for me, and I will understand if you give up. I have not done much to inspire confidence in my choices."

Hermione asked, "You came back, didn't you?"

"Granger, I will always come back for you."

A/N: Hope y'all are staying happy and healthy. ❤️