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Chapter 30

A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.

Here is Chapter 30. Content warnings for discussion of triggers, discussion of orgasm and arousal, and detailed discussion of sexual abuse. The conversation had in this chapter will be more detailed than they have been in a while. And it ended up being more intense that I originally planned for. As always there is hope for resolution, and there will be, but Alex has been in and out of a very dark place recently. I thought about changing it a little, but I decided to keep it this way because it's a pivotal moment for Alex and not shying away from the intensity is important to me. That being said, I'm always open to constructive criticism if it is needed. Please take care of yourselves.

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.

Alex returned home in the rain. It was hot for early January, and the clouds caused it to be almost dark at only just after four in the afternoon. Wiping off her feet by the door, she let out an involuntarily audible sigh, dropping her briefcase unceremoniously on the floor and stomping into the kitchen, where Liv was making dinner.

"Liv, that smells amazing," she told her with a groan. "Hi, love."

"It's just spaghetti and marinara sauce, but it's not Prego or Ragu, so that's something." The brunette pecked her girlfriend's lips, a small laugh escaping her. "Hey, baby. Long day?"

"Yeah," she sighed, leaning against the dishwasher as the older woman continued to stir. "Jury selection is taking forever. This jury pool is really unremarkable, and four of them are Catholic. I'm not even asking for much from Kressler. Just a jury that's not automatically going to believe D'Agostino over the boys. At this rate, I'm not going to get to try this case until next year. Oh, and also, get this—I started my period in court."

Liv mouthed, "Oh no," smiling in response to Alex's quiet laugh. The ADA seemed to be more amused than anything else about the development.

"I had to request a recess. I'm just glad to be home."

"Sounds like it," Olivia commented, reaching out to squeeze the blonde's forearm in comfort. "Well, just keep fighting for a fair chance. That's all you can do, right?"

"I will."

"I know. It's what you're good at." She gestured towards the refrigerator. "Hey, I made a salad too. Will you grab it from the fridge, love?"

"Yeah, of course. Thank you for cooking, Liv. It's really nice to come home to a meal and a kiss."

Benson smiled at her girlfriend sadly when she turned away from her to open the refrigerator door. Things she'd taken for granted over the years when she'd been in relationships were things that Alex had never once experienced. She'd returned to the huge, lonely penthouse after long days in court to nothing but leftover Chinese food and the mind-numbing whir of the air conditioner. Of course the blonde would savor these small moments. "Hey, come here," she beckoned the prosecutor towards her, encircling her waist and holding her securely as their foreheads met. "Let me kiss you properly."

Alex melted when their lips connected, her fingers tangling in the older woman's wispy brunette locks. Olivia always knew how to make her feel cherished, and she'd really latched on to the melancholy tone of her last comment. The attorney hadn't meant to sound that way, but sometimes things just came out with Olivia, and they were always received with compassion.

"It's nice to be came home to," Liv laughed as they pulled slightly apart, "if that's correct grammar."

"I don't think it matters much," the blonde assured her, cradling her face with both hands and kissing her once more quickly.

After the attorney had changed, they ate in comfortable silence, both quietly moving to the couch with glasses of wine afterwards. Liv could sense that the woman she loved needed to unwind, so she opened up her arms in invitation and pressed her lips to the blonde's head after she'd settled into the embrace. They exchanged few words for some time, Alex fiddling with the cop's fingers using her own.

Eventually, she sighed, gathering up a great deal of courage. "Hey. Not to ruin a peaceful evening, but do you want to work some on homework? I know Kimani said not to rush it, but the longer we wait, the more nervous I'm getting."

"Yeah, baby. We can do that. I don't want you to be nervous about this though, okay?" She removed her hand from its resting place on the prosecutor's abdomen and retrieved Alex's wine, setting the two glasses down on the table in front of them—both for the clear-headedness that sobriety granted and to clear away any obstacles for intimacy as they spoke—and she shifted so that they could more easily face one another. "It's just me. But I also understand why this is nerve-wracking. Just breathe through it and remember where you are."

Alex nodded, quickly laying her feet over her girlfriend's thighs, unwilling to break their physical connection in order to establish easy eye contact. After a few moments, they were settled into a comfortable, yet practical position. "And I'm not just trying to get it over with. I know how important it is to have these conversations, and I want to give them the time they deserve. But this is going to require me to give you some more information about my assaults."

"Not necessarily, sweetheart," Benson gently disagreed, resting her hands over the younger woman's bare shins. "I mean, you're welcome to if it feels natural, but I would never make you go back there."

"I know." She bobbed her head up and down, worrying her lower lip and exhaling forcefully to hype herself up. "It's my choice. It just doesn't get all that much easier."

"You're still in kind of an acute healing phase. Our talks won't always be like this one." It was as if Detective Benson possessed a degree in the science of Comfort. She always had the right thing to say, something to reassure the lawyer without invalidating her struggles and emotions. It caused waves of warmth to envelope her body as she listened to the soft, empathetic voice of her anchor, which was in stark contrast to the cold that ripped through her whenever her drill sergeant spoke. Somehow, these days, Liv was simply louder most of the time.

"Okay, I guess…I'll guess I'll start with the most obvious." Olivia waited patiently, her eyes widening in expectant anticipation as her hands rubbed warmth into Cabot's lower legs. "The idea of penetration always seemed violent to me," she eventually blurted, her embarrassed blues locking on Liv's soft hands. "I've always hated seeing it in porn, talking about it. I get why other women like it, like scientifically, but I'm not ready to tackle it."

"That's okay," she reassured quietly, tapping Alex's leg and hoping it would suffice as a cue to look up. "It's good to know."

Cabot bit her lip again, but accepted her girlfriend's request to reestablish eye contact. "And that doesn't mean I'll never want to—because being touched by you is like…it's like a spiritual experience, and I don't want to miss out on anything."

Olivia chuckled lightly, but it was more in agreement than for humor's sake. "We have time, love. If and when you want to try, I'd be so careful and—"

"I know, baby." Alex smiled softly. "Careful just isn't an accurate description of what I've experienced in the past, and my body remembers." Benson acknowledged her words with a squeeze to her lower thigh, as her hand had traveled upwards and over her crop pajama pants. "I think that's one of the reasons I freaked out last Friday, you know? Like a part of me expected that we would just keep going, and—not that you would be violent, but that the experience itself would be. I'm not quite sure how to explain it. If Tammy, if Tammy wanted to be gentle, she'd never use penetration. It was like once she was inside of me, she couldn't resist being rough."

Olivia sat in silence for few seconds, almost succumbing to the urge to latch onto Alex's leg with her fingers, anger coming over her again. More confirmation of what she already knew. She thought about what she'd discussed with Kimani, both on her solo trip to the office and when they went together, as well as her mantra for the last several months. Alex deserved the detective's love, and yes, even more than her abusers deserved her hatred. "Can I see your arm for a minute?"

The ADA was admittedly slightly confused by the response, by the non-threatening hand held out in offering, by the way Liv just looked at her, no pressure in her eyes. "Uh, yeah." She could trust her and still want an explanation, Alex told herself. "Why?"

The blonde scooted forward, planting her feet flat on the couch cushion as she bent her knees to compensate for the smaller space she was now taking up. Liv waited for her to surrender her arm before speaking again. "Do you remember when we first started doing our touch exercises, and you would flinch away from me sometimes?"

"Uh huh."

"And how once you realized I wasn't going to hurt you, and you said I could keep going, I would do this?" Olivia looked up at Alex's conflicted orbs, gentleness cascading off of her in waves, as one finger slowly but intentionally made contact with the skin of the attorney's arm. "I would look into your eyes and touch you so softly you could barely feel it," she reminded her to add to the demonstration she'd already begun, their eyes locking together.

A flash of deeply buried emotion exploded out of Alex in a singular sob, tears immediately stinging her eyes at the memory. "I remember how weird it was at first because you were being so gentle, and no one had ever touched me like that."

Olivia hummed, smiling softly, adding a small amount of pressure to her consistent ministrations. "And now it just feels safe, right? I asked for your arm, and you just gave it to me—because you have evidence that I won't hurt you and you trust me. You still get nervous sometimes, but ninety-nine percent of the time, you don't even question my touch anymore. Baby, your body has to relearn all these different kinds of touch, and that includes the safety of it all. Your memories of penetration still live in your body because that's all you know. One day, if you decide you want to try, you will have new memories. Of love and of tenderness. Because this—" She let her pointer finger trace circles over the underside of Alex's forearm, the first touch exercise they'd tried. "—is how I will always touch you. Okay? No pain. No fear. And always, always with your ongoing consent. But it's going to take time and work." Alex nodded, steadying her breath. "Can you tell me what else scares you?"

Keeping her tears at bay, the younger woman leaned her head against Benson's shoulder, noting that she was now effectively sitting in her lap, but she didn't mind. She was always struck by how much she needed this all-encompassing, all-consuming touch. "I just feel like if I keep going, you're going to know exactly what Tammy did to me."

Liv let her arms encircle the younger woman's entire body, her right hand squeezing her thigh and the fingers of her left drawing patterns into Alex's covered hip. "If you keep going. That's up to you."

"Well, I'll say one more thing."

She placed three kisses in quick succession on the crown of her head before tucking the ADA's head under her chin and rocking her slowly when Benson felt her stiffen. "Yeah, whatever you're comfortable with."

"Do you remember how I panicked when you told me to relax?"

It seemed like so long ago. "Yeah, of course."

This was still one of Alex's worst and most sensitive triggers. It didn't take much more than the word popping up in casual conversation for panic to rip completely and intensely through her body, and in truth, she preferred to not even allow the word to stay in her mind. But sometimes, when Liv was touching her and she was nervous, the urge to spit, "Just relax, Alexandra. Jesus Christ," at herself threatened to overwhelm her.

Olivia would somehow sense the nearly subconscious self-deprecation living in Alex's wounded mind, and she would hum softly, wrapping her arms around the other woman and whispering the word that brought her unimaginable solace—"Breathe."

"Well, she wouldn't just say it out of the blue," Cabot explained to her girlfriend, looking up at her. "I'd get nervous, ask her to stop, try to sit up. I mean, I was already a survivor, Liv, and she trapped me." The detective nodded, bringing her forehead down to meet the blonde's, encouraging her to continue with compassionate eyes. It was an important feat that Alex understood how her previous assault had exacerbated her experiences with Tammy, how the compound, complex trauma had made it all so much more terrifying. "She would—usually gently—push me back down onto the bed and tell me to relax. If I resisted at all, she'd start yelling, telling me I was crazy not to trust her. So, I stopped resisting. It made it easier, faster. What happened with Pastor Paul was horrible in its own right, but Tammy was worse because I actually wanted her. I was having so much inner turmoil about being gay, and I thought she was just trying to take care of me. But she brushed off every hesitation. She didn't care. I know you care, but, I mean, if I start to get nervous—"

Liv's heart constricted when she realized where the other woman was trying to go, her blue eyes no longer able to meet chocolate ones. "Look at me, love." The command was gentle, but it didn't leave much room for argument, not that Alex really wanted to argue. She knew what Olivia was doing, and she needed the careful guidance in order to fully absorb her words. "When we decide that it's time to try again, I will be looking for a green light the entire time. The moment it's no longer green, it's an automatic red. There will be no 'just relax.' If you're not already relaxed or you can't just take a few deep breaths and feel enthusiastic about continuing, you're not consenting. You're pressuring yourself into doing something you're not ready for. I will not ever be a part of that."

"It's just...sometimes it didn't hurt. Sometimes she was sort of gentle, like I said before, and it felt good, I guess," she tried to rationalize. "But—I never felt safe to tell her no. I wish I'd told her no."

"It doesn't matter that you didn't say the word no, sweetheart. What she—"

"I let her!" she exploded. Alex had always been more willing to discuss Pastor Paul than she was to discuss Tammy, and Olivia was becoming excruciatingly more aware of the reason. The caring, brilliant, beautiful human being in the brunette's arms wasn't even sure what this horrible, predatory monster had done to her. "I let her do that to me," she cried, her anger fizzling out and being replaced with dark, raw shame. "I never said no. I didn't even fight once she pushed me back down. I tried to relax. Sometimes I tried to enjoy it. Under the law—"

"Alex." Olivia hadn't seen the woman she loved this convinced of her own guilt since the Barnett case. She'd always discussed her assaults in terms of violence and abuse. How long had she been harboring fear that she'd somehow consented to what the cop knew were painful, brutal attacks? This whole time? She shifted out from under Alex, the younger woman, unsure of what she planned to do, beginning to shake almost imperceptibly. "Hey." Her voice was impossibly gentle, leaving no room for doubt about her intentions. "Al, stay with me here." She knelt in front of her on the couch, cradling her face in both hands. "You're an incredible attorney," she said slowly, pained by her girlfriend's decent into robot lawyer mode, "and I'm more than aware that rape is hard to prosecute without a 'no', but we're not talking about a trial. We're talking about a fifteen-year-old child, coming into her sexuality, already afraid of sex, and being coerced into surface level, passive assent so that Tammy could convince you she wasn't assaulting you. That's what I'm hearing." She paused, watching for evidence in the other woman's eyes that she'd caught up. "Is that what you experienced?"

To keep enough oxygenated blood flowing into her limbs was currently a laborious process for Alex. She knew deeply, fundamentally, that Olivia's words were true, that what Tammy did to her was atrocious, subhuman treatment, but she also knew that had the circumstances been different—had Tammy been kind, patient, loving, had Alex been older, more prepared—she would have wanted those touches. She would have wanted those orgasms. Just like she wanted Liv. But, Alex reminded herself, vaguely aware of discerning fingertips gingerly wiping away tears, the circumstances had not been different. Tammy was vile, manipulative, and cruel once she'd gotten her alone, and the illusion she'd been groomed into believing vanished. Still, though, to that day, to Olivia's tender eyes and angelic attentions, the narrative still lived. It was weak, in the process of dying, but it only took a word, a thought to give it terminal lucidity, a moment of freedom to once again attempt to destroy everything Alex knew about the world and about what love was supposed to feel like. She swallowed thickly, gripping both of Liv's forearms. "I've never called it rape."

"Hey." Her voice somehow grew softer, her hands travelling down her neck and over her shoulders. Alex generally didn't shy away from touch in these moments because she needed the grounding as she calmed. The blonde's breaths were still rapid, but they were now regular, consistent, and Liv's hands welcomed her back to the reality Alex still questioned her worth to live in. "That wasn't my question, sweetie. What I described—is that what you experienced?"

A sheepish nod was at first all she could offer. "Yes. And that's, that's rape, isn't it?"

"I think so." Benson squeezed her hands, relieved that with some gentle prodding, Alex had been able to come to her own conclusion. "But I can't tell you what to call it. It's yours to decide." The cop rose onto her feet and once again sat next to her girlfriend, reaching for her hand as they sat in silence for a few moments, Alex struggling to show herself compassion. "Will you bring this up with Kimani at some point?"

"Yeah, I'll try. That's, that's probably a good idea, yeah? I just, sometimes if I'm not having a literal breakdown, these shameful fears I have just won't come out, and the words I use are involuntary, which," she added, exhaling audibly, "is not helping."

"I can help you, if you're struggling to find the words. But like I said, it's not my experience, so it's not mine to name."

Alex took a deep breath, in and out, cleansing her mind. "I didn't mean to go down this rabbit hole again. I just wanted to ask you to, you know, if I'm not sure—Jesus Christ, Olivia, now it sounds like I'm asking you to not rape me."

"I think—" Olivia bit her lip. This wasn't easy for her at all, but Alex had been there for her in her recent vulnerable moments, and in this particular moment, the attorney needed desperately to be taken care of. She'd have time to process and decompress. "I think that is what you're asking."

Alex felt another "moment" coming on, reaching up to cover her embarrassed features with both hands. "I'm sorry," she choked out. How the hell was Liv ever supposed to heal if the younger woman kept reminding her of her fears?

"Shhh." Cabot whimpered when Olivia's hand landed carefully on her back, rubbing wide circles into her night shirt. The blonde wished she could blame this on premenstrual syndrome, but the time for that was fading away. "Baby, just breathe. I'm not upset."

"I trust you though. I don't want you to think—"

"Remember what I just said? All you've known is violence. Your body isn't going to forget that just because you want to spare my feelings."

"It's not you. I think I'm still afraid of Tammy. And I'm better now. Just been having lots of moments, with last week and two therapy appointments back to back. I do know that what she did to me was…wasn't okay." She'd planned on saying the word, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Liv smoothed her hand over Alex's hair, knowing it wasn't her place to push her to change her language if she wasn't yet ready. "I promise. That fear has just lived inside me for so long, and it won't die. And I've been struggling too because with the touch exercises lately, even before last week, I've been feeling...your touch has been turning me on sometimes. And it's just a whole lot to contend with at once."

"I can't imagine how overwhelmed you've been. I want to help you." Olivia grimaced. "Why are you just telling me this now, sweetheart?"

Alex knew Liv was going to hate this answer. "Because I knew you'd want to be even more careful, and I don't think I could handle the regression. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"I understand why you're frustrated," Benson validated slowly, pulling her hands away from her girlfriend's body, knowing the lack of touch would get her attention, "but my concern at pretending nothing's changed is that that you'd become so desperate that your judgement would be compromised, and you'd try to force yourself into something you're not ready for."

Alex sighed deeply, wrapping her hand around Olivia's in order to reestablish contact. "I don't have a counterargument for that, Liv. That's totally valid, and I can't promise I won't get to that place."

"Can I ask you a question?" The younger woman nodded. "Have you ever had an orgasm? Like, willingly?" The cop's palm immediately met her face, a grunt escaping her. These conversations made her nervous, similarly to how they made Alex nervous, and sometimes a less than sensitive inquiry left her lips without her consent. "I'm sorry, baby, that's a horrible question. I don't know what I was thinking."

"No, it's okay, sweetie," she assured, slightly amused by the fact that the last minute or so had been made up almost completely of awkwardness and frantic apologies. She was probably so exhausted, she decided, that everything just seemed funny. Voir dire, the extra pain her cycle added to the list, admitting her uncertainties about Tammy, and now this—for some reason, each woman allowed herself to run on emotional fumes, but God forbid the other experience even a minuscule amount of discomfort. "It's a reasonable ask, and you deserve to know these things. I'm a big girl, Liv. You have to trust me to say no if I don't want to answer, okay?"

"Okay."

"Yes, I have," she told her. "But only by my own hand. A few times, but it was never great. And yes, it does scare me. Why do you ask?"

Liv shrugged, unsure of how to answer. "It's relevant."

"That's not all of it," Alex called her out softly for evading the question. "If you just wanted to know, that's more than valid, Liv."

Olivia leaned her head against the attorney's shoulder. "I guess I did just want to know."

Joy rioted through Alex at the opportunity to turn the tables and focus on Liv. She knew how roughly her own fears poked at the cop's wounds. "You can be honest with me, sweetheart."

Finally, the emotion of the evening—the pleasant domesticity of their dinner and cuddle session, Alex's always proactive approach to doing their homework, the heartbreaking pain Olivia knew the love of her love still endured everyday, and how she herself was connected to all of it—spilled out of her and her lip began to quiver. "I'm just scared."

That, Alex could relate to. "About what, baby?"

The blonde let her fingers run lazily through short hair, holding her love's head against her body as she spoke shakily. "About not being good enough, about scaring you, about hurting you."

Cabot pushed her gently away for just long enough to pull an Olivia and cradle her face in both hands, effectively forcing her to make eye contact. "Let me rebut your argument in three succinct points."

Liv smiled softly. Juries loved the ADA's "three succinct points" technique, and the brunette would be lying if she claimed she didn't as well. The woman knew how to make a case. "One. You are more than good enough. Sorry, I don't make the rules." She shrugged, bringing a tearful smile to the older woman's lips.

"Two. You don't scare me. You could never scare me. Look how much care you're putting into this already. I promise you, baby, this tiptoeing around my trauma and treating me with kid gloves only feeds your own insecurities. And it's not that I don't appreciate your intentions, sweetie, but I can see you driving yourself crazy. Part of your healing has to be you trusting yourself. Because I trust you with my life."

Alex waited until Olivia nodded in understanding, both women holding each other securely as they came down from the intensity of the evening. Healing was a roller coaster, and it was one they wouldn't ever be able to get completely off of, but somehow, someday, the drops would become less scary. It would just take time, work, and a hell of a lot of evidence on both their parts. "And finally. You know how I feel about you hurting me. You're not capable. I rest my case."

A/N: Thank you, as always, for reading. Everyone take a few deep breaths, and hold on to the hope. I'm here for anyone who wants to talk. My intention is always to come at these storylines from a place of respect, and I always want to hear your thoughts.

Much love,

Gabby