CHAPTER 18 - Closure

"I need to go back." Diamond said, unable to shake off that unsettling feeling in his head. Nothing made sense anymore. "I need to go back, I need to—"

Diamond summoned Pink Pearl, who blinked into existence with the same neutral expression as before. He grabbed her shoulders with no regards for how strong he was.

"Fix this!" He yelled, unable to get a rise out of her. He shook her like it was going to help. "Stop him right this instant!"

"I cannot, My Diamond." She said, unblinking. "Steven Universe makes his own decisions. I cannot stop him."

"What is he going to do?" He commanded. "What did he mean by all of that?"

She didn't answer immediately. Diamond noticed. "Stop trying to figure out a way to not help me! Just tell me the truth, Pearl!"

Somehow, Pearl sighed.

"He will join himself with the mental construct you both refer to as the Light. That will, in turn, join his humanity to the rest of your mind. He will be much like the other Diamonds."

Diamond let her go, stepping back in horror. He felt the blood leaving his face as the realization sunk.

"His personality won't survive that." He said, in a much lower tone. "The others didn't."

Pearl didn't answer. Diamond had enough.

"Talk to me. Talk to me now!" He walked right up to her and yelled at her face. "You can't just let him do this, Pearl!"

She didn't say anything.

"Why are you so quiet?!"

"You haven't asked a question, My Diamond." She finally said, with every ounce of irony she could muster in her state. "Please be patient with me. I am just a Pearl, after all."

Diamond lashed out, waving his arm through Pearl's form and blinking her out just as easily as she'd arrived. His head hurt like never before. He saw black and grey spots that told him he wasn't exactly functional.

"Calm down. Calm down. There's still time. I just… I just need people who can talk him out of it. I need to absorb someone who he'll talk to…" He darted his head around, trying to think.

The Temple and Little Homeworld were out of the question. The Crystal Gems would never listen to him. No Gem in Homeworld meant anything to him. Think, think—

He was so distracted he almost didn't notice the huge shadow on the ground, getting smaller and smaller in size as Alexandrite fell right in front of him.

The wind and sand buffeted him on the face as the giantess roared, weapons in hand. On any other day, Diamond could probably wipe them out immediately. A well-timed strike, a surge of Blue's emotional waves — he hated doing it, but even just controlling the Gems with White's mind control would instantly end the fight. But today? After the humiliation in Little Homeworld, and after this?

He was a little out of his prime.

"Get away from me!" He yelled, floating back to put some space between them. "I don't have time for this!"

Alexandrite just roared. Diamond guessed they were too mad at him to really form coherent thoughts. His thoughts were scattered. Things had taken a horrible turn.

Two of Alexandrite's arms formed Garnet's gauntlets, smashing the ground where he was standing a second before. He managed to fly away — more dashing than flying, really. His Gemstone glowed as he summoned Lapis and Peridot to his aid, to at least to think about what to do next. Light-Lapis attempted to summon the water right behind her to help, but a giant light arrow poofed them as soon as she raised her hand.

The impact threw Diamond off, launching him to the side. He got up, summoning a shield on his left hand. Meanwhile, fire was building up on Alexandrite's closed maw.

"Stop fighting us." Her regular face said, in a voice Diamond barely heard. "Just stop doing all of this. It's never going to stop like this."

"Then just let me go!" Diamond yelled back, not caring about his annoyance. "I have to fix this before it's too late! Steven's almost gone! You have to—"

"More plans! More lies!" Alexandrite spat, disgusted. "All you've been doing is leading us all into your schemes, figuring out ways to use us. We're done!"

A violent, hot feeling was building up inside Diamond's chest. Of course, they were right. He knew that on any other occasion, he would have no reason to believe himself, either. But stars, Steven was going to do something stupid, and he couldn't just show them, the only people who could possibly help… they were wasting so much time. He was so sick of it. He was so sick of all of it.

"Leave me alone." He said through clenched teeth. "Just let me do this. Just let me help!"

Alexandrite's fire breath was unleashed onto him with great prejudice. The circular shield on his hand grew to cover his whole body, but the Crystal Gems were strong. While they unleashed their fire attack, her arms prepared an arrow, which almost pierced his defense immediately.

The shield was cracking. The warmth of the fire was melting sand around him into glass. They were trying to kill him. He knew it couldn't possibly be true, but it didn't matter. His survival instincts were through the roof. Through the pink veneer of the only barrier between him and certain doom, he could see gauntlets and arrows being prepared, anything to keep the barrage going.

Just stop. Just stop. Just stop!

"Stop! STOP!" He yelled, his Gemstone shining in every color it could. All that pent-up emotion in his chest, everything he never interacted with, just— "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Waves of color burst from his Gemstone. First yellow, then blue, then white, then pink. Every one of them seemed to affect Alexandrite differently, but just the first one was enough to stop the attack and severely wound her. He couldn't quite tell, though. His vision was blurry, and his head felt light. Like something snapped in his mind.

Alexandrite screamed at the barrage of attacks. Her light form started to disappear, change shapes, and then finally crumble into her components. Diamond held his head with both hands, kneeled on the ground as everything he couldn't understand just kept bursting out of him.

Amethyst and Pearl immediately poofed under the stress. Garnet stood her ground for a few extra seconds, just enough to see Diamond almost as distressed as they were. And she poofed wondering if there hadn't been a better choice, in all of this.

Even though he was already on his knees, Diamond felt weak. The only sound as far as he could hear was his outburst, continuously emanating from him like poison. His hand shook, and he felt like he hadn't slept in days. He hadn't. He hadn't eaten, drank, slept or anything that he knew he didn't need to do. He shouldn't be allowed to feel any of that, how…?

Oh no.

"Steven." He whispered, feeling an overwhelming sense of dread washing over his body. "Please no, please, don't be too late, please."

Shut everything out. Shut out everything that he didn't understand. Logic, objectives, rules, that was the way to go, not… not this despair.

Deep breaths. Manipulate your mind. Focus. Maintain balance. The waves started to recede inside him. The sounds of the ocean by his side were getting louder and louder. The pain was going away. Everything was going away. One could be many. One could be one.

There was only Diamond.

The Gem slowly got up, almost as if waiting. His mind was completely blank. His heart was barely beating.

He felt a hole in his chest, like a piece of it was missing, but Diamond paid no attention to it. Every mental blockage he could put up was on at the same time. Every level he could manipulate was being used all at once, compensating for anything that Steven was trying to do. This wasn't sustainable, but it gave him a moment of rest.

The Crystal Gems were on the ground, poofed and defenseless. But he couldn't deal with that right now. He needed help. He couldn't quite come up with the words to justify it, but he needed to talk to someone.

In his mind, he knew there was only one person who Steven would ever listen to. One person who could talk him out of this, if Diamond absorbed them into the Void.

Diamond didn't know for how long he could maintain control, or what it would look like when he lost it again. He took a deep breath and flew away towards his objective.

A heavy knock on the van's door woke Greg up. Last night had been productive, but it meant he slept late. The man grumbled his way out of bed and reached for the doorknob, trying to form a cohesive first sentence.

"I'm coming! Hang on, it's really early—" He tried saying. It probably didn't come out like that. Either way, his words stopped when he saw Diamond's hulking body standing outside.

Neither of them said anything for what felt like way longer than a few seconds. Just the sight of the man had Greg completely awake, and honestly, somewhat scared. The Gem looked rough, too. Scratched and hurt all over. And, also, Greg had never seen Diamond look at him quite like that before. Not exactly like a predator, but clearly also not as a friend.

"So, uh…" Greg asked, eventually. "Can I help you?"

Diamond looked slightly surprised at the tone, like he was perfectly content with staring at each other all day. But he replied on beat.

"I hope so."

"Okay." Greg looked behind himself, and the van barely had enough space for him. "You wanna get something to eat, then…?"

Diamond pondered on it, then glanced at the car-wash. "Yes. Can we go in?"

"Yeah, lemme just… get dressed, I guess."

Eight minutes later, Greg was staring at Diamond from the little kitchenette on the back of the car wash. The place had clearly been renovated with a small budget, and, if Greg was pressed for answers, it was an old bathroom he reformed to have a kitchen sink, a small fridge, and an induction stove. Complete with a little bar set up. He didn't think Diamond minded that Greg put the bar between them. He also didn't think it made him safe.

The Gem previously known as his son drank a glass of water, sitting on one of the tall stools. He was looking down, like a cliched drunk about to open up to the barman. It was 7 in the morning, Greg had a lard stain on his tank top, Diamond's wounds were healing in front of him, and there was no alcohol in this establishment.

"What a way to start the day, huh?" Greg asked, trying to break the ice. Diamond looked at him, and the geometric shape in his eyes gave Greg shivers. "You don't look too good."

"You could say that." He finished the glass of water, putting it aside. Greg grabbed it and filled it up again, just in case. "I need your help."

"Yeah? With what? Oh, uh, you were hungry, right?" Greg turned around and opened his fridge. "I have some hot dogs in here, some eggs. I could make us breakfast."

And that's all it took.

"Hot dogs?" Diamond repeated, in a strange tone that didn't befit him. "Um… yes, actually, that… that would be great."

Greg started prepping the food to boil, trying to relax. From what he'd seen, and what Pearl had told him, the situation was bad. And Diamond wouldn't have come here for nothing.

"Great, just a couple of minutes." Greg turned, and Diamond was still looking at him. "What can I do you for, buddy?"

Diamond's mouth twitched, as if showing a hint of discomfort.

"I'm not sure you want to address me as that."

"Alright." Greg scratched the back of his head, uncomfortable. "How should I call you?"

"Diamond. But I think you knew that." The Gem grabbed the glass of water, staring at it. He could almost see his reflection. "You were the first one who noticed."

"Yeah. Kinda hard to ignore. I'm your dad… um, Steven's dad, after all."

"No, I…" Diamond said, feeling remarkably exposed. He could also hear his own gears turning. "I… consider you my father, as well."

Greg smiled. "Well… that makes things easier."

He moved closer to Diamond, gently grabbing his hand. Diamond's hand was a little larger than his, but Greg was surprised to notice how soft they were. Not a lot of guitar sessions, he guessed.

"What's going on, son?"

Diamond stared at their joined hands and almost didn't notice Pink Pearl's powers taking over him. Greg's immense love and respect for Steven — and for him, — overwhelmed his mind in such a way that he froze. He felt his whole body reacting to this sensation, and in the depths of his mind he wondered if this is what Steven felt like, all the time.

He was going to cry. He could feel it.

"Whoa. Is everything okay?" Greg asked, and Diamond needed to break their physical contact before Greg's feelings of worry got to him. He had no idea Pink Pearl's powers were so strong. How did she deal with this?

"No." He admitted, smearing his eyes with his hand. "No, nothing is okay. The Gems are looking for me. They want to…" Diamond paused. What did the Gems want to do to him? "They want to stop me."

"Stop you from doing what?"

He sighed. "There's… every Gem has a purpose. No matter when they're made. You must have noticed that." Greg's dumbfounded stare told Diamond otherwise. "Rubies are usually soldiers. Tourmalines are usually scientists. Pearls are usually servants."

"Oh, you mean their jobs. Right, Pearl told me about it."

"Steven was a perfect hybrid, but I'm… four Diamonds and a human. I'm much more Gem than man. And Diamonds are made to rule. To make sure everything's working perfectly."

Greg raised an eyebrow but didn't interrupt. Diamond took a sip of water.

"And since I was made, I… I've tried doing that."

"Uh-huh. And how's that worked out for you?"

Diamond grabbed the glass so hard, he accidentally shattered it. Greg startled back, almost hitting the wall.

"Okay!" The man said, frightened. "Alright!"

"No, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do that!" Diamond quickly apologized, trying to pick up the pieces. "The hot dogs are ready."

"What? Oh crap!" The water was boiling over the pan. Greg turned the heat down and started preparing their food.

Diamond managed to grab all the shards, licking his finger and trying to fix the object. He was so distracted with the healing process that didn't realize Greg had finished setting their breakfast up.

When Diamond looked up, there was a plate of four hot dogs in front of him. Bottles of ketchup, mustard and relish on one side, with some chopped onions in a jar on the other. One day ago, the appeal would have been completely lost on him. Right now? He could feel his stomach grumbling throughout his body. Like a new organ that had just woken up.

"Here ya go. I gotta admit, I'm starving after that scare."

Diamond didn't reply. He was staring at the food like it would attack him at any point. Like everything else did.

"Um, do you… know how to eat them? I don't really know how your fusion works."

"Y-yeah… yes, I can eat them." His palms were sweaty, his stomach was turning. Was he sick? Could he get sick?

Diamond reached for one of the buns, trying his hardest to not tremble. He took a bite out of it while Greg put some ketchup on another, and…

He couldn't really explain it. It wasn't the taste, or the experience of eating; he'd eaten before and would do so again. It wasn't the fact that Greg was in front of him, or any of the mechanisms in his mind malfunctioning. It… might have been a combination of all of these. Or maybe he was just so tired. Maybe this plan wasn't worth it. Maybe this was all a mistake.

"Diamond?" Greg asked. "Why are you…?"

Diamond couldn't stop crying. He could barely see through the tears. The food fell on the counter, and he felt like he might pass out.

"I don't know." He said, not bothering hiding the fact that he was scared. His thoughts were going a thousand different places. None of it made sense. "I don't know, I… G-Greg, I ruined everything."

Greg walked around the bar and put his arm over his new son's shoulders. Diamond found himself hugging his father as if it were second nature.

"It's alright, Diamond. Don't worry, just tell me how I can help."

"I went too far." Diamond dug his fingers on Greg's shirt, as if he would fall if he didn't hold on to something. "I just wanted to do things right, but I just kept going, and going, and now I can't stop anymore. If I don't finish it, it was all for nothing, and… I-I hurt so many people."

He felt Greg hugging him more, but was painfully aware of the man's uncertainty.

"Well… I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm sure we can fix it together. Nothing's too far gone."

Diamond's sobs echoed in his own head, as if it was a strange sound that he'd never heard before. He felt like he couldn't breathe or see straight. Is this what dying feels like?, he wondered, unaware of how dramatic he was being.

"I just…" He tried saying through the tears. "I can't stay here. I can't live on Earth. It drives me mad. But I exist to do what's right. And what's… and no one wants to…"

This felt so unnatural. Diamond felt like he was going to shut down. It all just kept pouring out, but it was far more painful than the waves from before. At least those were physical. This was… torture.

Greg didn't say anything. He just made himself present, giving the Gem a shoulder to cry on.

"Greg, I'm sorry." Diamond said, separating and looking him in the eye. "I'm sorry I took your son from you."

Greg winced. "It's not your fault."

"I don't care. You're the only one who deserves to hear this." Diamond's heart felt like it was about to burst. "I'm so sorry I'm all you have, now. This is so unfair to you. I-I shouldn't have come here, I should leave, I shouldn't…"

He choked on his words, not sure what he was trying to say. Greg looked at him as if wondering what Diamond needed to hear. Finally, he sighed and touched the other's shoulders.

"Don't apologize like that. This was Steven's choice, and it was Rose's choice before him. I'm… sad it happened, but I love Steven. And that means I get to love you too, even if I wasn't ready to say goodbye." A pause, maybe to recompose himself. "But… Diamond, you don't have to be perfect. You don't need to be what you think you were born to be."

"What?" Diamond asked, a large migraine starting to form on the back of his head.

"You get to be whatever you can, Diamond. You're gonna make mistakes, and you're gonna hurt people, just like everyone else. But if you learn from it, and if you commit to making things better… you might even be able to fix what you broke.

The way Greg put it felt tailor-made for him; had this always been available? Could he just have… talked to Greg all this time?

"Listen, Rose, she… used to say she was going to love being Steven. That every time he loved himself, that was her. And I think Steven can be that for you, too."

Diamond's tears stopped, even if his entire face was still uncomfortable. His expression froze, like he wasn't sure how to make multiple parts of himself function at the same time.

"Uh, Diamond? You're gonna fall if you keep leaning like that, and you're really heavy." Greg said, gasping for air slightly as Diamond kept putting weight on his arms.

The Gem let go of him, grabbing to the counter. The stool had been seconds away from turning.

"Sorry."

Greg just smiled. "You look like you have a lot to figure out."

He didn't answer. The trembling was gone, but his mind felt stuck in something. An incredibly fast vehicle that couldn't take off. All that came to mind was the impetus for this talk.

"Greg, I haven't told you why I came here." He said, feeling the weight of every word. He had to come clean.

"Oh? I thought you needed help. Wasn't this it?"

"I came here to…" Diamond's mouth was dry. His heart was beating as fast as he knew it could. Stars, was anxiety something he was just going to have to deal with? "I…"

The sound died on his lips. His head was a mess of new sensations being connected to our experience. The look in people's eyes when they dealt with him was paralyzing his thoughts. Lapis looked so dejected. Captain Pearl looked so angry.

Greg shuffled uncomfortably for a second, eventually touching Diamond's shoulder again.

"Hey, listen, Diamond." The man said, friendly. "It sounds like you don't want to talk about it."

"I really don't." He was quick to say.

"Then you don't have to today. But, if you're serious about feeling like you screwed up, then you also have to be serious about making up for it."

The Gem didn't respond. Greg kept going.

"You said the Gems are after you? Is that why you're so hurt?" He nodded. "Then we'll go talk to them. You stop… doing whatever you were doing, you explain yourself, and we deal with it. Somehow."

"But," He stuttered, turning around on the chair. "But I took over Homeworld, I tricked people into… Greg, I…" The trembling was back. "I shattered… I shattered Jasper. I didn't do it, but I made it happen."

The human very clearly took a step back in shock. His face got whiter, and his mouth stood agape for a second. Diamond knew this was it. He was going to scream at him and run away, and then the rest of Diamond's life was—

Greg closed his eyes, and stepped forward again, breathing deeply. When he opened them again, he was resolute.

"You will work, and we'll get through it." The words barely made sense in Diamond's ears. He couldn't even blink while looking at Greg. "That's horrible. That's the worst thing I've ever heard. But we'll make it. We just… you came here, you want to change, we have to—"

Diamond hugged the man again, who, at this point, also looked like he needed a hug.

"Ah, gosh, Diamond. I wish you had talked to us before." His father hugged him back, rubbing his back. "But there's no point in thinking like that. We'll figure something out, one thing at a time."

Every word Greg said added to his feeling of guilt, but he didn't run from it. For the first time in his life, guilt felt earned. This felt like it was meant to be there all along. The missing piece in his head.

"Why are you like this?" Diamond asked, feeling like he was going to cry again. "Why don't you hate me?"

He didn't even expect an answer. He didn't expect it to break him, either.

"Come on, Diamond. You're my son too, remember? I love you."