CHAPTER 25

I pulled into my driveway for the first time in more than two weeks and parked behind Matt's truck. My heart was racing as I looked up at the house. The last time I had been here had been the day that I found Matt in bed with Dawson. I shook my head, trying to clear that image from my mind. Matt and I had agreed to meet today to talk about the state of our marriage and it would be a lost cause if I kept thinking about what got us here. I took a deep breath in as I tossed my car keys into my bag and opened the car door.

"Here goes nothing...," I mumbled as I walked up the front steps. As I reached for the door handle, it jerked open to Matt standing in the doorway. He looked tired and pale. The dark circles under his eyes told me he hadn't slept much in the last few days.

"Maddy...," he said, opening the door a little wider. I stepped inside the entry hall as Matt closed the door. I felt immediately disquieted by being back at the scene of the incident that tore my world apart. I put my bag down on the table in the foyer like I had done a thousand times in the last four years, but it felt oddly foreign to me now.

"You look beautiful," said Matt as he stepped in front of me. I felt my stomach churn, partly from nerves but also partly because of Matt's flattery. Given the condition of our relationship, it seemed cheap and less than genuine.

"Don't do that, Matt," I said weakly.

"Don't do what?" he asked, looking puzzled.

"Don't say things like that. It makes me feel like you're already trying too hard," I said. The last thing I wanted to hear him do was pay me compliments in the hopes that it would make it easier for me to take him back. It felt desperate and pathetic and not even remotely endearing.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I really do think you're beautiful, Maddy. I always have," he said. "Do you want something to drink?" he asked.

"Water," I said. Matt retreated through the dining room and out to the kitchen and came back with a large glass of ice water.

"Where do you want to sit? Here or in the dining room at the table?" he asked as we took a few steps into the living room. I looked at my couch, the couch with the French brocade trim and matching oversized pillows that Matt and I had picked out together last year. We had sat together on this couch hundreds of times, the two of us alone or with Finn, but it looked different to me now. It no longer felt like the house we shared. I sat down on the far end of it, taking a sip of water out of the glass before setting it down on the coffee table in front of me. Matt sat at the opposite end.

"How's Finn? I miss him."

"He's fine. He's with Dad today. Trying to keep his life as normal as possible. He misses you too. I never intended to keep him away from you, Matt. I just couldn't bring myself to face you," I said, feeling my steely exterior begin to break at the memory of our son calling out for his father.

"I understand, although I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me that Walker was the one watching him on my days off. Given the circumstances, I guess you did what you had to and I'll have to accept that," he said.

"Dad doesn't know anything about what's going on between us and I'd like to keep it that way. He doesn't even know that Jackson is here in Chicago. It would be too upsetting for him if he knew," I said.

"I've thought a lot about your Dad over the past couple weeks. I feel like I've failed him as much as I've failed you," said Matt, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

"We have a lot of things to talk about," I said.

"You're right...we do," he said. He slid over onto the cushion next to me and took one of my hands in his. "First things first...I want to tell you how incredibly sorry I am...for everything, Maddy. For the horrible accusations I made...for not trusting you...and for hurting you so badly. I fucked up big time and I realize that you may never be able to forgive me for what I've done. Christ, I don't even know if I can forgive myself, but I'm praying that you can find it somewhere in your heart to give me another chance. I've been a wreck for the last couple of weeks, treating good friends like enemies and ..." he said.

"And treating enemies like lovers," I jabbed back. I felt a few tears escape from my eyes and roll down my cheeks. He squeezed my hand tightly and brought it up to his lips, kissing the back of it. His eyes were wet with unshed tears.

"Maddy, please…" he said, his voice pleading with me.

"Please what, Matthew?" Don't remind you of your infidelity? It's what got us here," I said, yanking my hand out of his.

"Just hear me out. I'm not going to make excuses. I want to explain everything," he said.

"You don't need to explain that you felt threatened by Jace Walker from day one. Don't try to deny it, Matt. It's been pretty obvious."

"You're right, I did. I'm not proud of that, but I saw him as a threat to our marriage," he said.

"As it turns out, you were the threat, not him," I said.

"I sabotaged us, no question about that. Learning that he was still alive was difficult enough, but seeing you together with him was complete hell for me," said Matt.

"You saw us together approximately three times, Matthew, and for probably less than twenty minutes total," I said.

"But that day I saw the two of you kissing on our front porch...it ripped my heart out," he said, his voice shaking.

"It was just a kiss, Matthew. It sure as hell couldn't have damaged you as much as what I saw damaged me," I said.

"It still hurt, Maddy. There was a familiarity, a closeness in that kiss, the same kind that you and I would have. You're my wife, not his, " he said, sounding a little more angry with each word he spoke.

"Right...and you're my husband, not hers," I said.

"You have a strong connection to him, Maddy. I don't have that with Gabby. I never did, to be honest," he said.

"You looked pretty well connected to her the last time I saw you...to be honest" I hissed, sarcastically.

"OK, I guess I deserved that," said Matt. His conciliatory attitude was beginning to grate on my nerves. "I have no defense for my actions, Maddy. All I know is that at the time, I wanted to hurt you in the same way you hurt me," he said.

"The way I hurt you? You're comparing a kiss to what you did? You were fucking her in our bed, Matthew! That's hardly the same thing!" I got up from the couch and paced around the living room like a caged lioness ready to kill the second that she was let out.

"I know that, but when I saw the two of you, I went out of my mind! I was already upset that you didn't tell me he was coming over that night. After I had time to cool off, I actually felt bad about getting pissed off and I asked Boden if I could leave shift an hour early. I was planning on surprising you and starting our weekend together a little early. When I pulled up near the house, I was greeted with the two of you standing on the porch, half dressed an hour before I was normally due home! What was I supposed to think?"

"You were supposed to think that your wife loves you more than that and that she wouldn't do that to you," I said, wiping the tears away from my cheeks.

"That's exactly what Severide said to me, only I didn't want to hear it then. I was in no mood to be lectured," he said.

"I heard what you said to him. I was shocked when Em told me. It's not at all like you to say something like that. He's a part of the coveted brotherhood. You respect him, Matt. I know you do. In the time we've been together, you never once indicated that my relationship with Kelly bothered you. My dating Kelly is what led me to you or are you forgetting that?"

"Of course I haven't forgotten that, but your relationship with him was always in the back of my head, Maddy. Whether or not I said it out loud was a different story. I didn't want your history with Kelly to affect my relationship with him or you, so I swallowed any pangs of jealousy or resentment I might have felt. I regretted it the minute I said it to him and I did apologize when I came to my senses. I wasn't thinking straight," said Matt. His hands were clasped across his knees and his head faced down towards the floor.

"Do you still love her?" I asked. My voice broke as I spoke and a few more tears spilled out onto my cheeks. He got up off of the couch and walked over to where I was standing.

"No, baby...God, no. I love you and only you. Please believe that," he said, taking my hands in his.

"Jesus, why did it have to be her? How I wish it had been with anyone else but her. She never had any respect for me as your girlfriend, and even less as your wife. She publicly humiliated me about my inability to get pregnant, for Christ's sake! You tore her a new one for that, Matt! You threatened to report her to IA if she didn't back off! You sleeping with her is like a giant kick in the stomach. I'm sure that she's laughing at me now and feeling triumphant over me because you took her to our bed," I said, in a full blown cry.

"If I could take it all back, I would. I hate myself for doing that to you," said Matt.

"You can't take it back. It's done, it's in my head and all around me. I don't even feel comfortable in my own house anymore, knowing you brought her here," I said.

"Come with me, Maddy. I want to show you something," he said. He led me out into the foyer and up the stairs. He opened the door to our bedroom to reveal a brand new bed, complete with a new headboard and footboard, a new mattress, sheets and comforter.

"I did the best I could. If you don't like the colors, you can take everything back and exchange it. I didn't know what else to do, but I wanted to show you that I was making an effort at fixing things between us," he said. I knew him well enough to know that this gesture was coming from his heart, but I still couldn't look at him. The memory of what I had last seen in this room wouldn't let me.

"Maddy, look at me," he said. He stood directly in front of me and lifted my face up to his. His face was the picture of sadness and remorse. "I love you more than anyone I've ever loved in my entire life. I have been in love with you for the better part of the last twenty-two years. I can't change what happened, but I can make damn sure that from this day forward, nothing like that will ever happen again. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. You and our baby boy mean everything to me. Please believe me, baby…say we can get past this," he said. His blue-green eyes were rimmed with tears, the eyes that I had gazed into hundreds of times and had seen incredible love. His perfect mouth that had kissed me breathless countless times were quivering with emotion, waiting for me to answer him. My mind raced with images of him and our life together. I couldn't deny that I still loved him . What I didn't know was if I could put this behind me enough to move forward, so I could begin to forgive him.

"I don't know if I can," I said.

"Do you love me, Maddy?" he asked.

"Yes, God help me...I do."

"Do you still love him?" The question was completely unexpected, but now that he asked it, I was going to be totally honest with him. I told Jace before I left to come here that I would tell Matt everything, should he ask me about the things that had happened between us in the time that we'd been separated.

"I won't lie to you, Matt...I care about him...a lot. He came into my life at a time I needed him the most. He brought me love and the sense of self-worth that your disappearance robbed from me. He gave me…" Matt interrupted me before I could finish what I was saying.

"Everything I should have," he said.

"Yes," I said, barely above a whisper.

"You told me you were beginning to remember your life with him. Is that still happening?"

"Yes, that's why I called him to come back to the house early Saturday morning. We had spent the evening before looking at photo albums of our life in Texas. He left shortly after Finn went down for the night, but I continued to look at them after he left. All these memories came flooding back to me like a tidal wave. I didn't understand a lot of what I was remembering and I knew Jace could help me figure them out, so I called him. It was four in the morning and he rushed back to the house to help me. He threw his clothes on in a hurry and I never bothered to get dressed. What you saw that morning was us saying goodbye. If it looked more intimate than it should have, it was because we both realized that day would have been our sixteenth wedding anniversary. It was incredibly emotional for both of us, and it was extremely hard on him. He's not the homewrecker you've made him out to be," I said, crying harder now.

"Jesus, Maddy...I had no idea. I'm so sorry I thought the things I did," he said.

"Me too, because none of this would have happened if you hadn't," I said, taking a tissue from the box on my nightstand and wiping my tears.

"What's it gonna take for you to say you want to stay in this marriage, Maddy? I'll do anything you ask of me," he said.

"The only thing I want is for you to say that you'll never have any contact with her ever again. I don't feel like I could deal with you still seeing her, even on a professional level," I said, choking on sobs.

"Done," he said, succinctly. "Do you think you could promise me that once Walker leaves Chicago, you'll never have any contact with him?"

"We have a child together, Matt...a sick child, in case you forgot. Even though she doesn't know I exist, I'd still like to know how she's doing. Whether you like it or not, Jace is her father. Our circumstances aren't exactly linear to each other," I said

"OK, fair point, but can you at least ask him not to come back here and give us some space? Do that much for me?" he begged. I nodded, unable to speak for the steady stream of tears that were rolling down my face. I knew never seeing Jace again would best for me and Matthew, but the reality of it cut through me like a knife and I felt as though I couldn't breathe. I walked into our bathroom and ran the cold water in the sink. I grabbed a washcloth from the linen closet and held it under the stream of icy water. I rang it out and ran it over my face, trying to cool the fire that was burning in my cheeks and behind my eyes. I brushed my hair and hung the washcloth over the side of the sink before going back into the bedroom. Matt walked up to me and cupped my face in his hands.

"Just say you'll come back home, baby...please. It's all I want to hear," he said.

"OK," I said softly, letting more tears escape from my eyes. Matt gently wiped them away with his thumbs, then pulled my face up towards his.

"I know it won't be easy, but I think we love each other enough to get through this. You believe that too, don't you?"

"I used to think that the love we shared could get us through anything. I'm not so sure now. Betrayal is difficult enough to handle, but betrayal for revenge is something entirely different. It makes me doubt your commitment to me. Love should never be conditional and it definitely shouldn't be about one upmanship," I said, my voice shaking.

"Maddy, the only explanation I have is that I was out of my head. I saw the woman I love most in this world kissing her former husband...a man that made me feel inferior to him in a lot of ways. I know that falls entirely on me, but I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't exactly have the world's greatest role model for how to be a good husband. When my father got angry at my mother, he beat the hell out of her and Christ knows I could never in a million years do that to you. I fucked up, baby and I am committed to being a better man than that," he said.

"You're already a better man than your father ever was, Matthew. Give yourself that much credit," I said.

"Maddy...I love you so much, it hurts. You are the love of my life and I don't know what I would do without you," he said.

"I love you too, Matt," I said. I did love him. I missed our life together and I knew that coming back home would be the best thing for everyone. Everyone except Jace. This was going to hurt him.

"Is it okay if I kiss you now?" he asked, brushing his lips softly against mine.

"Yes," I whispered. He covered my mouth with his, pulling me into a slow, deep, soft, wet kiss. His hands moved down to my waist, pulling me in towards his body. I started to respond to the softness of his lips on mine, feeling their familiar shape and warmth and the masterful way his tongue explored my mouth. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, feeling his muscles ripple underneath my hands. The scent of his skin and my favorite cologne of his filled my head, drawing me closer to him. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me tighter against him.

"Don't...not yet," I said, abruptly pulling away from him. The image of his naked body between Dawson's legs suddenly popped into my head. My hunger for him quickly dissipated, leaving me feeling nauseous and tense.

"I'm sorry, Maddy...Christ, I only…" he said, before I cut him off.

"I have to go, Matt," I said, walking towards the bedroom door.

"When will you be coming back?"

"Give me until tomorrow, I guess," I said.

"OK, but would you mind if I picked Finn up from your father's later? If I can't have you here tonight, I'd like to have him here," said Matt.

"Of course. I'll leave the car seat for you," I said. I turned around and got as far as the top of the staircase when Matt caught up with me.

"On second thought, why don't you go get Finn, bring him back here and we can have dinner together. Would you be okay with that?"

"Yeah, sure," I said, sounding more half-hearted than I meant to. I started back down the stairs when I felt Matt's hand on my shoulder.

"Maddy?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you." A weak smile crossed my face before I turned to walk down the stairs. My heart felt heavy in my chest as I took each step downward. I was happy that Matt and I had begun to work things out, at least enough to convince me that coming back home was the right thing to do. I was getting my life back, but losing a part of it too. Now that I had gained back most of the memories of my time in Texas with Jace, I felt a huge emptiness at the thought of him walking out of my life. I prayed that I was doing the right thing, but wasn't sure what watching him go a second time would do to me. Only time would tell if I was gaining more than I would be losing.