30. Isolation

The full moon was that night, and Remus was scared.

Scared that this transformation would be more brutal than the last.

Scared about what Sirius was going to ask him.

Scared that he would be too overwhelmed, too depressed, too emotional this time.

Scared about what she might think from their conversation the previous night.

Most of all, scared about what was going to happen to his relationship with Tonks.

Remus Lupin was a normally calm person, but sometimes, especially when it was closer to the full moon, little things scared him.

Of course, these didn't feel like little things to him. They felt like big things. Big, overwhelming, crushing, tremendous things.

Yes, Sirius questioning him was definitely a little thing. He couldn't afford to be scared of Sirius.

But his relationship with Tonks? He was scared beyond reason about what would happen. The friendship that had blossomed between them was more than anything that Remus had ever expected in life, and it was one of the best feelings he had ever experienced before things grew bigger.

It wasn't like loving her didn't feel good. No, it felt blissful, like a dream, like a fantasy.

But that's exactly what it was. A dream. A fantasy. Because never in his life did he expect that she would return his feelings, and never in his life did he expect that he could be involved in a relationship.

Of course, he had been wrong. She had returned his feelings, and that was evident. He couldn't lie to himself anymore. He knew how she felt, and there was no point in pretending otherwise.

He shook himself out of the thought. Get ready for the transformation. You only have a couple of minutes.

Wolfsbane had been taken and the protective charms had been set on the dingy basement of Number 12, Grimmauld Place. Sirius was asleep, after having a long day arguing with Dumbledore about being locked up in his house, and the last thing Remus wanted to do was wake him up. Besides, he had handled plenty of transformations without Sirius and James and Peter before. This one wasn't any different. Except that he had a lot on his mind.

Remus glanced at his watch and realized that it was nearly time. He journeyed down to the dank basement.

"Colloportus," he muttered, and he heard the lock click from the door. Sighing, he leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor.

Until Remus had gone to Hogwarts, his mother, Hope Lupin, had always sat on the other side of the door with him during his transformations, talking to him, reminding him how much she loved him, and that it would all be okay. She would sing to him, songs that resembled memories so precious words could not express it.

To this day, he had been through more than three hundred fifty transformations. And during every single one, he had sung these songs to himself, whether it was on the other side of the door with his mom, or at the Whomping Willow, or on the Hogwarts grounds with James and Sirius and Peter, or alone in a deserted shack after the first war, or now. He took a deep breath and began, his voice shaky.

"During the darkest hour

In every sorrowful plight

In times you're most tempted

To cry or to take flight

During every moment of misery

When you're all alone to mope

When the people you love have gone

And you're starting to lose all hope

Remember, I'll be there watching

Watching every step you take

Cheering you on for every second

Praising the decisions you make

When you need someone to love you

Remember, every single day

To the world and back a million times

I love you all the way."

His voice faltered as his eyes filled with tears, the nostalgia of memories his mother sweeping through him. A wonderful woman, who had soundlessly adapted to wizarding traditions and customs having fallen in love with his father. A Muggle who had left so much behind to be happy. She had made countless sacrifices in the name of love, and Remus couldn't be more thankful to have such a fantastic woman for a mother.

Moonlight shone into the room through a sole window, and he closed his eyes, bracing himself for what was to come. Gradually, he felt the changes occurring. He desperately thought of his mother, and his father, over and over and over again until he was no longer in control of his thoughts.

Remus woke up in his room, sunlight flooding through the open windows. He made an attempt to sit up, taking in his surroundings.

As usual, Sirius had left him a tray of breakfast, chocolate, and a few pain-relieving potions on the bedside table. What was new, however, was a brown owl sitting on an envelope patiently.

Voices could be heard from downstairs, which meant that someone was visiting, most likely because of the Order. He could hear Sirius's voice, and a feminine voice. His heart stopped for a minute. No. Had she come to visit him? He couldn't bear to see her, for her to see him like this, so broken.

Tentatively, he reached for the envelope, and the owl fluttered to sit on his knee as he picked up the letter. He stroked the owl with one hand as he held the letter with the other.

Dear Remus,

I hope you're recovering well from your transformation. If you need anything from me, please let me know. I'm in Wales for two days, on classified business, but after this, I'm going to be done with Hogwarts and back to the Auror Office.

I'd like to apologize for the night before. I don't want to push you into doing something that you don't want to do, and I respect your opinions. I also realize that it was full moon the following day, and you probably wanted nothing more than to sleep, honestly. So I'm sorry for forcing you into that conversation and anything else that happened in it, especially when you didn't want to.

I still mean everything that I said the night before, but I understand if you don't feel the same way. I realize that we're working together as part of the Order, and I don't want things to be uncomfortable between us because of me. Could we just forget that conversation happened and go back to being friends? I don't want to ruin our relationship just because I've messed it up.

I never thought the day would come when I'd be writing this letter, but here I am. Anyway, feel better. If you want anything, I'm more than happy to help out. Take care.

Love,

Tonks

"I love her," he told the owl weakly.

The owl hooted.

Remus's eyes had filled with tears reading it. Holy Merlin, he cried so often these days. And he was fairly certain that it was somewhat related to a certain Metamorphmagus who could never be his.

"I need a pen," he mumbled, and, to his amazement, the owl obligingly soared across the room and returned with one.

"Thank you," he mused, petting the owl affectionately and grabbing a spare piece of parchment from the bedside table to scribble a response.

Dearest Tonks,

Thank you so much for your concern, it means the world to me. I'm feeling alright, the usual, honestly, and I can't expect much more than that. I'll be completely fine in a few days.

About the night before, you have nothing to apologize for. You were expressing your feelings, and I was expressing mine. I feel that we need to talk this over together, and since I really have nothing to do, let me know any time that would work for you. Please don't be sorry about it.

My parents are both from Wales, and that's where I was born. It's really a lovely place, I hope you enjoy your time there. I wish you all the best on your mission. Take care.

I love you,

Remus

He couldn't help but notice the parallels between his letter and hers, taking in her handwriting, messy but adorable, and the flourishes in every letter. Her letter smelled of lemongrass and jasmine, and the fragrance was diffusing throughout his room as if she was really there.

"Can you take this back to her?" he asked the owl kindly. It hooted in response and clasped the letter in its talons.

"Thank you," he said, and it soared out through the window.

In a few minutes, Sirius burst through the door. "I'm so sorry!"

"Good morning, Sirius, what on earth are you sorry for?"

"Your transformation! I wasn't there with you!"

"Calm down, Sirius, it's alright. I didn't want to wake you up, you looked like you could sleep through a hurricane," Remus reassured him.

"Well, I could've slept any other time!" Sirius huffed. "You needed me!"

"I was fine," Remus said quickly. "I had Wolfsbane. Thank you for the breakfast and the chocolate."

"It was the least I could do," Sirius explained. "For having downed so many bottles of firewhiskey and falling asleep when you needed me."

"How many bottles did you have?" Remus inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"Too many to count," Sirius replied, waving an arm in the air lazily. "So how are you feeling? Who was the owl from?"

"I'm fine, just tired," he responded, choosing not to answer the other question.

"You can sleep the entire day, if you'd like. There's nothing to do for the Order. Seeing as I don't even get to do guard duty shifts and you don't have much to do for a while."

"No, I'll get up in a bit. Who were you talking to downstairs?"

"Emmeline. She came to drop off some reports from Kingsley. And she said she hopes you're feeling better."

"I appreciate the sentiment."

"Yep. So who sent the owl?"

"Who do you think?" Remus asked, slightly defensively.

"Ha! So I was right."

"I'm sure you were. It wasn't anything special."

"Right. A special letter for her boyfriend…"

"Will you shut up, Sirius? We aren't dating!"

"Oh, really? Then would you care to explain what happened in the bedroom with her the day before?"

"How do you..."

"Molly."

Oh Merlin. Sweet old lady she may seem, but sometimes Remus had the urge to smack her for all of the gossiping she did.

"What exactly did she tell you, pray tell?" Remus asked, fearing the answer.

"Well, she said that the two of you were sitting right next to each other on the bed, moaning each other's names, and you couldn't seem to get your hands off each other…"

"Stop, stop, stop. I do not want to hear any more. What the heck, Sirius? None of this happened!"

"Care to explain, then?"

He sighed. "You were right. Not about the bedroom incident," he added hastily as Sirius opened his mouth to boast, "about the fact that she likes me. She told me how she feels, and I told her how I feel."

Sirius frowned. "But you just told me you weren't together!"

"Exactly. I told you, there's no way we could be together. I would be a burden on her. I would put her in danger."

His mouth fell open. "And you told her that?"

Remus nodded. "More or less."

"Blimey, and she still wrote to you?"

"Yeah. Asking how I was and apologizing for the night before."

"Holy Merlin! She apologized to you? But you're the one who should apologize! She doesn't need to apologize!"

"That's exactly what I told her."

"Good… wait, when did you talk to her?"

Remus sighed impatiently. "I replied to her letter!"

"Oh. Oh. Okay. What else did you say in the letter?"

"Why do you care?" he asked. "I told her that we should meet sometime to talk about it."

"So you asked her on a date."

"No, Sirius! We are not dating!"

"Whatever you say, Moony."

Remus sighed once more. "Padfoot?"

"Yeah?"

"How'd I get here?"

Sirius shuffled. "I realized in the morning that you were still in the basement. So I levitated you up here."

"You didn't have to, you know."

"Yes, but then how would you be able to receive an owl from your girlfriend?"

Remus chucked a pillow at him. "Shut up."

Sirius grinned. "You love her."

"Yes I do. Now please go away."

Sirius bounded out of the room gleefully.

Remus picked up the bar of Honeydukes chocolate and snapped off a large chunk. Back when he was at Hogwarts, James and Sirius and Peter used to sneak into Honeydukes to buy him chocolate after the full moon. He remembered once when McGonagall caught them but said absolutely nothing and didn't dock any points. The gratitude he had felt towards all four of them was inexplicable.

Sirius popped his head back into the room and grinned. "You can't get rid of me that easily. Are you done with breakfast?"

"Yeah, thanks," Remus said, as Sirius took the empty tray and headed out of the room once more.

He hated having to make his friends do so much for him. He hated that he was weighing down his friends, who could be doing so much without having to stop for him.

Sirius returned again. "So what are you going to tell her on your date?"

"Haven't I already told you it's not a date?"

"Yes, whatever. What are you going to tell her?"

"I will, in the nicest way possible, tell her that it is implausible that we could be together, and that she should try to forget about me. I don't know why she even likes me, to be honest, I'm really not that fanciable."

"Haven't I already told you that you are fanciable? People like you, Remus! You've just been scarred by a few particularly unpleasant rejections. If they didn't know about your condition, they'd probably be lining up outside to get married to you."

He rolled his eyes. "Please. We're talking about relationships here, nobody said anything about getting married. And don't you start on that."

"I know, I know, you're not ready for marriage. But I think you really could get married one day."

"I distinctly remember telling you not even five seconds ago not to start on that."

"Whatever…" Sirius began, just as the same brown owl flew in through the window and perched on his shoulder.

"Give it here," Remus said, attempting to grab the letter, but Sirius snatched it out of reach.

"Nope," said Sirius gleefully.

"What the heck, Sirius, she's writing to me, not you! Give it to me!" he protested.

"Let me read it aloud to you," Sirius announced triumphantly. "Dear Remus…"

"Stop," moaned Remus.

"I'm glad to hear you're doing well. Yes, Wales really is beautiful - blimey, why's she telling you this? - and I'm glad for the change in scenery. Oh, she's in Wales?"

"Either you read it properly without making your own comments, or you give me the letter," Remus replied through gritted teeth.

"Fine," said Sirius resignedly. "I'd love to talk to you soon. How about Monday afternoon in the Leaky Cauldron? Let me know if that's okay. I can't wait to meet you." He cackled.

"What's so funny?" groaned Remus.

"I love you, Tonks." Sirius threw the letter towards him and started laughing.

Remus scanned through the letter and re-read it quickly, following which he grabbed the pen and another sheet of parchment and wrote his response.

Dear Tonks,

That works for me. I'll see you on Monday. Stay safe.

Love,

Remus

The owl obligingly took the parchment and took off.

"What did you say?" chortled Sirius.

"I said yes," Remus responded evenly. "I will meet her on Monday."

"Moony's going on a date!"

"Sirius!"

"But you are!"

"No I'm not! I'm meeting her to tell her precisely why that can't happen!"

"She's not that stupid, Remus. She's thought it through."

"I'm not saying she's stupid," he replied measuredly. "But she doesn't realize how much of a risk I can be to her."

"She does, she just doesn't care!"

"Why wouldn't she care, Sirius?"

"Because, Remus, you have to realize that anyone who actually gets to know you will agree that your personality beats out your lycanthropy any day. Anyone you actually let get close to you will fall head over heels for you. That's what's happening with Tonks. You let her close because you liked her. And she realized, because she's actually smart, that you're worth it. You are worth it, even if you come at the cost of your lycanthropy. If that makes sense."

"Maybe that is what happened, but I'm not worth it. She needs to realize that."

Sirius shook his head. "That's not how it works. You see, you need to…"

At that minute, the doorbell rang and Mrs. Black's portrait started screaming.

"I'll be back," Sirius murmured. "It must be Emmeline again. She said she'd come back once she had finished some more stuff."

"Go on," Remus told him, and Sirius headed down the stairs.

The room still smelled of lemongrass and jasmine, and he took a deep breath, determined to cherish every trace of her if that was the closest he was going to get.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed it! What will happen during the epic Battle of the Department of Mysteries? Coming up in chapter 31!

The next is going to be the last Death Eater plot-related chapter. After that is going to be a bunch of segments of fluffy stuff, of course, with Remus battling himself on whether or not he should accept being with Tonks. I think you know what's going to happen in the end! (Especially considering I must do happy endings).

Only six chapters more! I'm so excited and sad at the same time! But there's a lot more for me to write, and for you all to read, so I hope that keeps you entertained! Feel free to check out our profile for lots of Remadora, Jily, and Marauders-era!