July 27, 2009 (Afternoon)
Shiro tapped his fingers on the armrest in irritation. Too many things weren't going smoothly and it was starting to get to him. The retrieval mission was a dud, a wild goose chase, and Shiro had made the decision to go to Kyoto while a separate investigation team searched for new leads.
He was still thinking about Mephisto's offer too. Satan was definitely becoming insistent and if Mephisto was worried, he should be taking better care of himself, for Rin at the very least. It would be easier to relax and sleep if he was at Mephisto's house, a place where Satan's voice could barely reach him. But he couldn't think that Rin and Yukio would be happy with the idea. Shura would protest as well, but at least she could live elsewhere. The twins, on the other hand, Shiro wanted to keep close. He sighed as he imagined what kind of disgust would cross Yukio's face if the possibility was mentioned.
On top of all that, Toudou had revealed himself as someone who couldn't be trusted and he had taken Yukio momentarily hostage. Maybe that put Yukio on edge and was the reason for the call he'd received. Yukio causing a scene in public was unheard of, especially when he was on duty. He'd always been so straightlaced that Shiro relaxed around him.
I should have paid better attention to him. My mind's been too focused on Rin. Shiro clicked his tongue in irritation as his thoughts swirled around his younger son and the way he'd been looking at him and addressing him lately.
"As amusin' as it's been to try to figure out what's goin' on in yer head, I'll bite. C'mon." Shura crossed her ankle over her knee as she shifted and slouched a little further down on her seat. Her phone, which she had been using attentively for most part of this train ride, was now balancing on her thigh face down. Her voice had somewhat startled Shiro out of his train of thought.
"Where do I even start?" Shiro grumbled, letting out a heavy sigh as he leaned back in his seat. There was a big part of him that didn't want to talk. He could shut the conversation down before it even began. Shiro's knee-jerk urge to play his cards close to his chest was firing up again, though maybe, at least when it came to Yukio, Shura's insight could help. He swallowed that pride with the knowledge that this wasn't about him.
"I'm worried about Yukio," he admitted.
"Just 'cause he went and flipped on someone?" Shura smirked a little at the thought. "Personally, I think that's been long overdue. The brat represses all his shit way too much."
"No, no." Shiro shook his head. "Since before that. Yukio's been acting different. Especially since yesterday." He grimaced. "You remember what happened with Toudou, right? I never explained everything that happened in there. Shit happened one after the other, but Yukio had a personal encounter with the asshole. He was really chatty too." His finger tapped agitatedly at the armrest again. Remembering the encounter was enough to set him on edge again, especially with how he had used Yukio against him.
"There was one point where I lost sight of them. I don't know what Toudou could've told him." Shiro sneered. "Afterwards, Yukio really lost it on me. For a second there, I thought I was talking to Rin with how gutsy he was being."
Shura let out a small whistle. "Damn, wish I could have seen that." Despite the lighthearted tone, her purple eyes seemed to darken and she picked up her phone, giving a glance to the screen before putting it back down. "That Toudou guy... I never liked him, but I didn't think he'd turn out to be such a cunnin' fox. He must have really dug his claws into Yukio if he lost his temper on you of all people. Tch."
Yukio respected Shiro way too much to ever give him any lip. It was partly why Shura often took it upon herself to push his buttons. If anyone was going to get that repressed kid to be a little bit more honest, it was her. It irked her to think that someone else, someone that did not have Yukio's best interest in mind, had done the same.
A part of her wondered if maybe she'd been partly responsible for the outburst, actually. She had, after all, pushed a Yukio a little too hard when they'd talked about Shiro back at the camp. She'd meant to open Yukio's eyes, not push him over the edge, or leave him vulnerable to other people's manipulations.
Well, at least she wasn't the only one to blame here.
"But yanno…" Shura said, eyeing Shiro slowly. This one was another beast that had to be carefully handled. "You've been a little too absent lately, don't ya think? There might be more to his outburst than just Toudou gettin' into his head."
Shiro slowly shifted his gaze to meet hers. "And what do you mean by that?" he asked, his tone stern, but still pitched somewhat inquisitively. He held his cards a bit tighter to his chest again.
Shura brought her hands up for a second, the movement casual enough to show she hadn't intended any harm. "Look, I'm jus' sayin', you're barely home these days. The kids might not complain all that much about it 'cause they've got their friends distractin' them, but with everythin' that's happened lately, I'm sure they want ya to be a little more present."
Shiro furrowed his brow. What was it with people telling him he hasn't been around? Even Mephisto had a similar complaint, didn't he? He rubbed his forehead with a groan. "It's not like I can help it," he groused.
"Like hell." Shura shifted up in her seat a little and bounced her leg as she rearranged herself. "If anythin', ya oughta be around more now that you shoved that brat's trainin' onto me. He ain't easy," she grumbled. She was, in fact, appreciating having a break from trying to teach that knucklehead.
"I have a lot going on, dammit." Shiro pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look, okay, I know I'm not around every day, but it's not like I don't have a reason. I'm not running off without—…" He sighed heavily, interrupting himself. He had been doing that. He'd absolutely been avoiding his kids.
"Shit…" he muttered quietly. Shiro's head thumped back against the headrest.
"Yeeeeah... kinda thought that might be the case." Shura's lips pressed together. After taking one more glance at her phone and shooting off a quick text message, she leaned forward with her elbows on her knees. Her gaze was intent on Shiro. It was too bad that they didn't have alcohol to ease this conversation, but it couldn't be helped. It wasn't something they could procrastinate on until a better time came up.
"C'mon. Spill what's buggin' ya already. Why're ya avoidin' the kids? The time for secrecy's over. We're all in the same team here, and none of us can afford to be goin' about all this blindly."
"Shura…" It was the usual tone he used when she was asking too many questions. Shiro turned his head away from her, not wanting to meet her gaze as everything that had gone unspoken rattled around in his head. "I'm not entirely sure if you or the kids knowing everything is going to make things any easier."
"Ugh, seriously? Why's it always like that with ya?" She scowled at him. "You've been coddlin' us all for far too long. Especially me!" She should have been more annoyed about it, but the irritation sank low in her gut instead, tame in comparison to her worry. Despite everything she had uncovered, Shiro was still holding back. She was almost afraid to find out what or why. But fear had never stopped her before. She pressed on. "Ya can't just rely on that clown for everythin' and ya can't just keep tryin' to handle things on yer own either. This is bigger than just the two of ya."
So trust me already. She didn't have to say the words. They were reflected clearly in her eyes.
When Shiro looked back at her, there was a measure of vulnerability in the wrinkles on his face that made him look older, just a bit more tired. It disappeared quickly as he glared at the seat in front of him. What could he do? Could he really keep running from this? From her? From them? How much longer could he really keep this all under wraps? How much longer could he justify that secrets should remain secrets? Their situation had changed. The most sensitive secrets were out and now he was forcing the more important people in his life to play with half a hand of cards. He grimaced and reached between them, grabbing Shura's hand.
"Come here." He stood up, pulled her to her feet, and dragged her down the aisle of seats to the exit door of the train car. He pulled her into the small space between the cars and shut the door behind them. Shiro let go of her hand and rubbed his forehead, trying to figure out his words. Shura shifted her weight from one foot to the next as she waited patiently, her expression serious.
"Shura, I…" Shiro gritted his teeth, steeling his heart. "I don't know how much longer I've got. I think I'm going to die soon."
Die?
The word didn't quite register in Shura's head at first. Her mouth opened, then closed.
Yer kiddin', right?
That's what Shura wanted to say, but when Shiro was staring at her like that, so resolute, no bullshit, the words hit her once more like a blow to her sternum.
"Shura, if something were to happen to me..."
Her reaction was explosive.
"What the fuck do ya mean by that, huh?" She grabbed Shiro by the center of his coat and tugged him close. "Explain it to me clearly!" she demanded.
"Lower your voice," Shiro hissed urgently. He allowed himself to be pulled close as he spoke quietly. "I can't tell you every detail. You know why I can't, so don't ask." He paused to breathe.
"It happened during the Blue Night, when Satan possessed me. He stuck to me until I forced him out and ever since then… He talks to me sometimes. He tries and he pushes." He clenched his fists. "The night of the exam, in the forest, he tried again. He told me it was only a matter of time and it was so damn hard to shove him out, Shura." Shiro's voice trembled with an honesty he hadn't truly experienced in years. It rushed out of him as if he'd opened a dam and it… It felt good to talk about it for once.
"I'm not going to be able to fight him off forever. He wants Rin. He keeps talking about them to me and…" He felt a pain curl in his chest as he gripped on to Shura's hand. "I can't stop thinking about what might happen. What am I supposed to tell them? Yukio knows I struggle under Satan sometimes but he doesn't really get it. I don't want him to get it. I don't…" Shiro gritted his teeth as he let out a breath from his nose. He pushed the worries down. He could feel his emotions quivering. Not now. Not now. Keep it together.
"I just want them to live their lives. I don't want to be what puts them in danger," he whispered.
The revelation was almost too much for Shura to handle. It wasn't as she had never thought about Shiro dying. As much as she stomped her feet about it when the subject came up, she knew it was an eventuality she would have to one day confront. But she thought they had more time. Way more time.
"God, Shiro."
She leaned her forehead into his chest. Her grip on his coat tightened. She wasn't ready to say goodbye yet.
"What the fuck. Why didn't ya say—why the hell are ya runnin' away from us if that's the case?"
She shook her head, pulled back, glared at Shiro.
"Were ya plannin' to just die in some corner all by yerself and leave us in the dark? What kinda stupid idea is that?"
"Better than taking any of you with me," Shiro muttered with a slightly bitter smirk. He didn't meet her eyes.
It made her angry. "Don't be a coward," she spat at him. Death was an inevitability. Shura knew that more than anyone. But this, at least, she could demand of him.
"We can handle ourselves—if we know what to watch out for. So for fuck's sake, be present! Say what's on yer mind! Take the stupid kid gloves off and look at us all in the eye. Live, goddamnit. Ya just have to do that until ya die."
Shiro's gaze snapped to hers and met that fiery determination head on. It left him raw and exposed in a single instant and he felt a laugh pitched with nerves bubble up from his chest.
Live.
She'd thrown the words he told her years ago right back at him and Shiro couldn't quite explain the burst of emotion that overtook him in that moment. Nostalgia mixed with pride roared in him, stirring up boundless springs of love, guilt, self-hatred, and appreciation. It left him in a waterfall of laughter. He didn't know why he was laughing.
Every day was another fight with death. It had been that way since he was born. The fact that he was a clone of Azazel, the Demon King of Spirits, was not an irony that was lost on him. Maybe that's why he always felt justified in never really fearing death. The elixir that still pumped through his veins, however weakened, had left him feeling immortal at times and death was never really something he thought about. But now, he was facing the possibility and the first time he said it out loud, Shura responded with such an angry honesty that Shiro couldn't help but laugh.
He just had to live.
The statement was so damn fucking simple that his chest clenched and his breath hitched and he put a hand over his face, tucking his fingers under his glasses to try and staunch the flow of tears that were already making their way down his cheeks.
I don't want to die. The realization rushed through him with a wracking sob that shook his older body. I don't want to die!
Shura swallowed tightly, feeling tears prick at the corner of her eyes as well. It shook her, seeing Shiro like this. But even more than that, it reached deep into her, the hard-earned honesty and trust mending a bridge that had still not quite recovered from the harsh distance that had pulled them apart for years.
"God, yer such a jerk," she said in a strangled voice. Shiro let out another choked laugh through his tears.
"I deserve it." He pulled off his glasses and wiped at his face. "It's why I can't sleep." Shiro's voice lowered as he reigned it all in, piece by piece. The crying felt good but he couldn't break down like this for long. He had to bring it in, rebuild the walls.
"Mephisto's house is the only place I can get some decent rest," he admitted. "Satan can't really reach me there. Just in case you were still wondering." He wasn't being totally truthful, but he wasn't really lying either. That was one truth Shiro wasn't quite ready to unearth yet.
"So that's how it is..." Shura's grip relaxed, but she didn't quite pull away. The palm of her hand stretched across Shiro's chest, right over his heart. She felt the echo of it beating steady and strong.
"I think... probably it is best if ya don't tell those two about this quite yet. But give them a little bit more trust. Yukio, especially. He's the type that values honesty, even if he's not so great at expressin' it himself. So if ya keep tryin' to coddle him, he'll take it the wrong way."
"I know." Shiro finished cleaning his face and glasses before putting them back on. He felt the tired relief that came after a good cry settle into his shoulders. He reached out and put a hand on Shura's shoulder. It made her tremble, but only for a second. "I'm sorry for worrying you. I'll… I'll figure out what to say to the boys."
"...Good." Shura let out a small breath. Finally, she let her hand drop. Her gaze too. "I was startin' to get tired of constantly gettin' all of ya to get yer shit together. Give me a break."
"Ah, look at you. You used to be such an annoying brat but now you're so sensible." Shiro grabbed both her shoulders then and pulled her in for a tight hug. "You're the most competent one out of all of us. You can't take a break just yet." He squeezed her tightly, firmly.
"Thanks, Shura. I don't know where I'd be without you."
"...God, shut up, you stupid, stubborn man." Shura closed her eyes and found herself sinking into the embrace. "I'm gonna start chargin' ya for my services. I want some damn good Shochu out of this. The high quality shit, ya hear me?"
"Jeez, you're gonna run me out of house and home." Shiro leaned back far enough to look at her. "Can I at least drink it with you?" He smirked in his usual carefree fashion.
"No chance! Bring yer own bottle." She stuck out her tongue at him.
"Stingyyy!" Shiro laughed. "Fine, I'll buy my own sake and we can see who can drink the other under the table."
"You're on." Shura returned his smirk. There was a challenge in her eyes. But beyond that, as she stared at Shiro, as her eyes traced over the lines of his face, worn with age, but alight with an energy that had been missing before, there was a part of her that hardened with determination. Shiro was right—between training Rin, curbing the worst of Yukio's bad tendencies, and knocking some much needed sense into Shiro, she had a lot of work ahead of her. And that wasn't even counting figuring out how Mephisto fit into all of this.
It should have sounded exhausting, overwhelming even. Shiro wasn't the only one living on borrowed time after all. But the thought of spending the rest of her days at his side like this, with those two little brats who had wormed their way into her heart just as much as Shiro had stolen hers, was hardly a hardship for her.
It made waking up every day worth it.
So ya can't give up just yet, ya hear me? I won't let ya.
We talked about this for a while and have made the decision that starting with this arc, we're going to be moving the fic permanently over to Archive of Our Own. For those of you who started off with us on here, thank you very much for your support. We hope you continue to follow us on Ao3 as Lettersverse has a long road ahead.
Thank you!