I own nothing but my own words.
Chapter 21: You're My Purpose Now
He could get used to this.
Every night she crawled across the bed and fell asleep in his arms.
He didn't need anything to occupy himself with while she was sleeping, not when he could hold her in the dark. The most he did was adjust the comforter if it slid down.
So this was what it felt like to be wanted.
They had come a long way since they first met. Their acquaintance had always been based on tit-for-tat or necessity. She dragged him into the pit to get revenge on him for activating the final lock of Malivore. He got his revenge in return by attempting to put his consciousness in her. Neither had any say in his being linked to her subconscious, just as she didn't have any say in whom she went on the run with. He had been the one to show up and get her out of Virginia. She had gone along with it because she didn't have any other option.
This though? Her asking for him to hold her? She didn't have to do that. She could've chosen to go to bed like she did every night. But instead?
She wanted him to hold her.
He had never been wanted, not even by his own father.
It may seem like something small, but it was big for him.
He wasn't just the guy she got stuck with out of necessity. He was the guy she didn't mind being stuck with, so much so that she clung to him when she was at her most vulnerable.
He already knew she had feelings for him, but he didn't really know what that would entail just like he didn't know what his feelings for her would entail—he just did what needed to be done to protect and help her. Relationships were more than physical, he knew that, but going past the physical was something unknown for him. In the short period of time he had known her, she had shown him what true happiness was like—even helped him to experience it for himself. And now? Now she had shown him what it felt like to be truly wanted.
Clarke figured there was so much more to learn and feel, but he wasn't in any rush. He didn't need more than she was ready to give at the moment. Having her sleep in his arms every night was enough for him.
"What are you doing?" she asked, observing him dragging in a wheelbarrow full of snow.
She had gotten up early that morning to start fighting monsters. It had only gotten easier since they arrived in Wyoming. The creatures wouldn't be waiting in the clearing like she had hoped, but they did make their presence known fairly quickly once she walked out into it. She knew when they were approaching even if she couldn't see them as she drew back on her training with Clarke and Lizzie. She could feel them.
And then she would attack.
So many of them died by the same means: a blow to the head or heart. If any of them were too different, Clarke was nearby already searching to figure it out. His experience came through more times than the books did.
Whenever they couldn't figure it out, well, she would just go back inside until they did. She had a means of escape now. A safe haven tucked away into a remote mountainside, the snow getting deeper and deeper by the day—at least in their little corner of the world.
He instructed her to use her magic to control the weather, just like she had when she made the rain stop with the troll. She made it snow throughout the night and stopped it come morning. She hoped it wasn't too far reaching. She didn't want to endanger anyone else. But it sure seemed to tick off the monsters that got stuck in it with no escape. She didn't have any problem fighting in it, as she just used her magic to plow it back.
"Improvising in the event one of the monsters gets a brain," he said, pushing to set it down on a towel, a big basin on a table nearby.
"Meaning?" she asked.
"There's a water filtration system here, doesn't mean they can't access it at some point," he said. "Making sure nothing poisons us."
"I'm not sure if you're incredibly smart or incredibly paranoid," she raised an eyebrow.
"You're still alive, aren't you?" he said.
"True," she said, walking over. "I still think you're being paranoid. I have a boundary all around this house, reinforced so many times that nothing could ever get in."
"The pipes extend beyond the house," he said.
"If the Lockness Monster comes up through the pipes and bites my ass, you can say I told you so," she said, laughing.
"Nessie's too big to fit through the pipes," he said while knocking off a hunk into the basin.
"Nessie? You mean you've actually seen—" she cut herself off, shaking her head. "I'm not even surprised anymore."
He smirked.
"I'm going back out," she said, grabbing her axe by the door. "Watch out for yellow snow."
He laughed.
He had lived long enough to look for the unexpected. It wasn't if you were paranoid; it was if you were paranoid enough. Anything could happen. He had learned that through the years, especially when it came to these monsters. He would take every precaution. He wouldn't die from some poison in the water supply—though it would probably be an unpleasant experience—but she would.
Keeping her safe was the number one priority.
She couldn't find it.
The next day hadn't started well, and it was getting even worse.
She had gone through all of her bags, all of the supplies she had shoved into the bathroom drawers. She even went through his stuff, but she couldn't find the small box she really needed at least one day every month.
Her pills for cramps.
She was one of the lucky few who only had to deal with this for three days tops, but that middle day—today—was the one where the pain was the worst if she didn't take anything.
Maybe it had fallen out in the truck?
She went down and searched as best as she could, but she couldn't find it. Sighing, she wondered if it had fallen out of the cart. She knew she had put it in there. He had said to make sure she got everything she would need for the next three weeks. At least she had the other supplies she needed but without the pills her day was going to suck.
This was a Triad facility, right? They had to have a first aid station or medical bay somewhere. She remembered seeing a first aid box on the wall in the kitchen so she went to look through that. Band-aids, ointment, gauze, tape—it had everything a standard first aid kit would have, but no pain pills.
"What are you looking for?" Clarke asked, walking in to join her. He had been cleaning some of his guns to use for target practice on the monsters later. Of course he would come around when she least wanted him to. Close quarters meant very little privacy.
"Did you get anything for pain?" she asked, closing the box back up.
"No," he shrugged. "We both heal too fast to need that."
Which was correct, if she had been injured, but cramps weren't caused by an injury, it was just a fact of life. Once a month, like clockwork.
The last time this happened he was in her subconscious but as long as she took her pills, she didn't have a problem with it. The cramps went away or never even started if she took them soon enough. He hadn't mentioned it back then and neither had she.
She had a thought and couldn't help laughing out loud. If he had actually taken over her body like he tried to so long ago, he would be the one dealing with this right now. Would've served him right.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
She shook her head.
"I have a headache," she said. "I'm gonna go lie down." She would look around upstairs first. Maybe she would luck out and find something.
He frowned, immediately concerned. "It's not from a monster is it?"
"No," she shook her head. "Even a tribrid has an off day, Clarke," she hastened to reassure him. He had been doing everything to make sure nothing bad happened to her again, she didn't want him to think he had failed.
He nodded reluctantly. "Want me to come up?"
She had to smile. It was possible for her to lay down in a bed without him by her side. His concern was adorable though.
"Go shoot things," she suggested. "Keep the monster population down 'til I get back."
The monsters didn't usually approach without her being present, but he had a sniper rifle and could sometimes see them through the trees. He also had a ring that could create the illusion she was in the clearing. If they fell for it, he would get lucky if they died by a shot to the head or heart. He knew she didn't like when he went outside without her, even if he couldn't die, so he wouldn't do that.
When her second floor search came up with nothing but a heating pad, she went ahead and did what she told him she was going to do. She burrowed under as many blankets as she could find and tried to find a comfortable position which seemed impossible with the pain now flaring up in her abdomen and lower back. She would use the heating pad on one side, switch to the other when the pain became too annoying, and then repeat. She started wishing she had something to make her sleep too. She would rather sleep through this.
She had no idea how long she was up there before he finally came in to find her cocooned in so many blankets it probably took a moment for him to figure out where she was.
"Dinner?" he asked. Well, now she knew she had spent the entire day lying there.
She answered with a groan. She was not moving from this place, and the thought of food just made her nauseous.
She felt the bed shift on his side and knew he had joined her. She groaned again, wishing he would go away. She wasn't really up for socializing. Couldn't he just let her die in peace?
"What hurts?"
He must've realized she wasn't telling the complete truth about that headache thing. It probably had something to do with her curled into a ball under the covers facing away from him and not gripping her head or something.
"My lower back," she mumbled. The heating pad was on her abdomen, so her back was killing her.
"Can I try something?" he asked.
"Okay," she said.
She jerked slightly when she felt his hand on her lower back. But she relaxed when he started rubbing it. His hand was warm through her clothing. This wasn't so bad.
"Better?" he asked.
"Yes."
He kept rubbing and kneading at the area until he realized she had fallen asleep.
When he was sure she was really out, he sat up to watch over her like he always did. He missed having her in his arms though. He wasn't sure what was wrong with her, but she didn't seem alarmed and she had reassured him, so it wasn't something caused by a creature. He had just never seen her ill since he'd known her.
At some point in the evening, she woke and silently slid out from under the blankets to go to the bathroom. He heard the water running, but he never heard the shower so he figured she took a bath.
When she returned, she pulled away some of the blankets and got in under what was left. She still turned away from him, but she reached over for his hand. He followed her lead and ended up lying against her back with his arm around her this time.
"I feel better," she said softly. "Thank you."
He answered by pulling her in close to his chest as she fell asleep again.
It took two more times of her waking up to go to the bathroom before he finally figured it out. He searched his mind and eventually found a memory of the only time she had ever taken any kind of medicine when he was in her subconscious. It was for this same exact reason.
He relaxed now that he knew she definitely wasn't dying.
How long did these things last anyway?
Thankfully, she was feeling much better come morning.
He was relieved when she got up to face the monsters just like it was any other day.
Watching from a window, he saw a new creature approach. It was a really large cat, large enough to ride like a horse. He wondered if she would finally change to her wolf form today. Most of the monsters moved on two legs. This one, with its four legs, might make changing form to fight easier.
Seeing what looked like smoke coming from the creature's ears and mouth though, he knew he had to immediately shut down that idea.
He pulled the door open. "Hope!" he called out to her. "Don't wolf out!"
"Why not?" she called back. She had been thinking about doing that very thing.
"That's not smoke," he motioned to the creature. "It's an odor that draws in creatures so it can eat them. Let's not be Panther food today."
Nodding, she asked, "How do I kill it?"
"It's one of Dionysus' favored creatures…" he thought of everything he knew about the god of wine. "I don't know."
She dove through its legs to avoid its mouth. "Take a guess!"
"After it eats, it sleeps for three days," he called out the details.
"Sure, let's just have it over for dinner then." She jumped onto its back. The cat immediately tried to shake her off.
She wrapped her arms around its thick neck.
The creature stopped shaking and decided to run with her.
"Oh for crying out—" she said, gripping tighter but not trying to break anything now. "Be right back!" she called out to Clarke.
He closed the door to shut out the cold and resolved to wait. She never went that far from the house. She would figure it out and get back soon.
Just when his patience was starting to wear thin and he considered going out to find her trail, the door flew open. She used magic instead of her hand, mostly because her hands were full.
"We're not keeping it," he said, taking in the huge mountain lion she was carrying. The thing was nearly as big as her, and it was gravely injured.
She rushed to one of the tables and laid it down.
"I killed the Panther, but not before this guy nearly became its lunch," she turned it over to see the wound.
"Hope, the fact that thing isn't attacking tells me it's too far gone," he said. "Put it out of its misery."
"No," she said firmly. "No more senseless killing. There has to be a reason. A good one. And there's no reason to kill him."
"It's not senseless if it's a mercy kill," he said.
"What if I can heal it," she said, staring down at the wound. This animal wouldn't have even been in harm's way if they weren't out there drawing all of the monsters in. This animal was her responsibility. She didn't want it to die, not on her watch.
"Can you?" he asked.
"I used to be able to…" she said, remembering back to when she was young and sneaking to do magic when her mother wasn't looking. "I healed a butterfly once, when its wing was broken."
"That hardly compares to a mountain lion," he pointed out, though he did wonder if she could do it.
"I can try, right?" she looked up at him. "You're always insisting I try new things, push the boundaries of my magic. Why can't I heal an injured animal?"
"Go ahead then," he motioned for her to try.
She looked back down at the animal and focused. She willed her magic to enter the wound and repair the damage. She didn't have words to use, but she could feel the magic inside her hastening to follow her command.
As he watched, the wound became smaller until it was nothing more than a slight scratch in the coat of the huge animal…The animal that was now feeling much better and immediately came to its feet, hissing at them.
Hope's eyes glowed and she hissed right back at it, showing the animal it's superior. The cat backed down, but it was wary. Hope directed the animal to the door and it sprang from the table, running to escape back into the wilderness. She cast a quick protection spell over it, hiding it from view from the other creatures until it was past them all.
She turned back to him, practically glowing.
It was good for her soul, to remember what it felt like to care and not to kill. Her mother had instilled that in her. She had lost a lot of that while fighting all of these monsters. That was probably why she was struggling so much. When killing became her new normal, she didn't feel like herself anymore. She had to remember not to let all the death change who she was.
"Consider those boundaries officially pushed," he said, fascinated by her power once more. He had never known anyone who could do what she could with magic. It awed him slightly to think he had only seen a sliver of her true potential.
One of the things he remembered to pick up on their supply trip was a sketchbook for her and some pencils and paints. Since they had to abandon that particular plan in Kansas when they had to flee quickly, he made sure to get her some things on their last run.
Later that night found them sketching together side by side on top of the covers. Night had fallen, but she wasn't tired yet—probably because she had gotten so much sleep the day before.
"The mountain lion?" he said, looking over at her sketch.
She nodded. "Working on the outline. I'll paint it tomorrow." She needed this, as a reminder of the lesson she had learned today. She couldn't allow herself to get lost in the darkness.
He went back to working on his own drawing, in the story of himself as he called it. She figured he was going to need a few more sketchbooks if he was planning to cover eight hundred years using images alone. She did hope he let her read it as some point. While he knew nearly everything there was to know about her, she didn't know that much about him besides the obvious.
"What's your first name?" she asked.
He looked up, giving her a strange look, "Ryan."
"No," she shook her head. "Your first name. What did your father name you?"
"He didn't," he said simply.
She frowned. "Why not?"
"Why would he name something he didn't want?" he said. "I wouldn't have survived past that first day if I hadn't been immortal."
And that would probably be the reason he didn't share much, she couldn't help but think. His existence hadn't ever been moonbeams and sunshine. He wasn't supposed to exist. He had been created by a creature who thought he made a mistake and would've thrown him away to try again. He deserved better than that. Anyone deserved better than that.
"So he doesn't call you anything?" she cleared her throat, pushing down the anger on his behalf.
"Not much of a talker," he shrugged.
"Eventually you had to take a name though, right?" she asked, still intent on learning more about him. "What was the first one you had? The first you chose for yourself?"
"Jakob," he said. "Only, I didn't choose it." He put his pencil down on his night stand and turned to the front of the book. He found the drawing he was looking for and showed it to her. It looked like some kind of village, rustic with huts, and there was a young man sitting out front of one with a book in his hands.
"You've got to remember, I was created looking as I do now, but I had everything to learn," he explained. "I wanted to please my father. I couldn't understand why he didn't want me. I followed him as he continued to absorb the creatures all over the world. I was mostly a nuisance to him, though sometimes he'd acknowledge my existence. Eventually, curiosity led me to a village in Europe where I tried to learn what I could, hoping that would make the difference in me. When asked for a name, I couldn't provide one. The village elder decided to call me Jakob…
"I've had a plethora of names since. During my time there, I learned all about religion—what everyone else believed anyway. I knew that wasn't my truth. I was taught to read from the only book most prominent in those times: The Bible. Borrowing from that, I've gone by Noah, Jeremiah, John, and so on. An archangel or two like Gabriel."
He smirked, "I even used Adam once, as a joke. You know, the whole God created Adam thing, like Malivore created me? ...
"Eventually I grew bored of those names, and started using names of kings like William, James, Charles. Made it easier for me to blend in as those names became more popular. My last name before I went into the pit was Henry."
She didn't expect to learn so much from asking him such a simple question. She knew there was so much more to learn about him, she just didn't expect it to fascinate her so much.
"So, why Ryan?" she asked. "Was there a King Ryan somewhere?"
"No," he said. "Ryan actually means 'little king'. I was trying something new."
"And Alex?" she asked, remembering his latest new identity.
"Alexander the Great," he said. "I was rushing when I made that one, so fell back on the names of kings."
"All these names… what do you most want to be called?" she asked.
"Ryan," he said, looking up at her with a slight smirk but he was being entirely truthful. "I want you to call me Ryan."
She didn't miss his enunciation. "What about everyone else?"
"I don't care what they call me," he shrugged. "I don't care about them."
Her face flushed slightly, knowing he was telling her he cared about her. That wasn't anything new. And his wanting her to call him 'Ryan' wasn't anything new either. It had just been in an entirely different context last time. But in this context, well, she could follow his request. It was an easy enough one, calling him by the name he most wanted to be known as.
"So, Ryan, ready for bed?" she said, putting her drawing on the night stand. Then she realized how that sounded, and flushed even more. She looked at him and saw he was biting his bottom lip, trying not to laugh.
"Not a word," she warned, but she couldn't stop the laughter from bubbling up either.
He hit the light on his night stand, and moved to get under the blankets, laughing the whole time. She did the same, sliding over to lie against him like always, but she buried her face in his chest since she couldn't stop laughing.
"Wanna try?"
She eyed the long weapon in his hands. He had it lined up and sighted out the window from the second floor. She was only inside with him because there seemed to be a marked uptick in the number of monsters converging at once. He was going to 'trim the herd' so to speak
"Not really," she said. She was already trained in many different ways to kill. She didn't need to learn another one.
As she watched, he took out three pretty quickly. All head shots. Quick and clean. Painless.
She had so many mixed feelings towards the monsters.
The ones like Joan of Wad who were harmless, just cursed with powers that Malivore could use against them—those were the ones that hurt the most; except, she didn't even know how many of those she had already killed. It wasn't like they stopped to chat before they attacked. The three that Ryan just killed, how many of those wouldn't hurt a fly? They would never know.
Then there were the other ones.
She despised the ones who would take pleasure in doing them harm. The ones that Malivore was originally created for, to take out the monsters that did the most harm because that was what they were created for.
Knowing Ryan was there to slay her demons while she slept made it easier for her, but she also knew it would be a long time before she went to sleep without wondering what could happen to her in the night. She was protected now, and she had never actually seen anything or been aware of what was happening that night, but she knew it would stay with her. She didn't know how long it would, but so far it hadn't gone anywhere no matter how many monsters she tried to kill to make it go away.
"What is that?" she asked, seeing one of the creatures coming to kneel and lean over a deceased one.
He squinted. "Maybe Baba Yaga?"
"Baby Yoda, say what?" she asked, confused.
"Baba Yaga," he repeated. "But no, she's a witch who just happens to eat children. Malivore can't control a witch. Maybe U'tlun'ta? She has this spearfinger thing. Likes to eat livers."
"Then no," she shook her head, watching below. "That creature isn't just interested in the liver. Is there a creature who likes to eat arms?" she asked, seeing the thing bite into the forearm of a deceased one.
He checked his sight again as he lined up his shot of the new creature.
"Maybe a jikininki? Some kind of ghoul," he explained. "It consumes the flesh of the dead."
"Just the flesh? Or maybe more?" she asked.
As they watched, it became apparent the creature was fine with eating all the parts.
He readied to shoot it, but stopped when she reached out.
"Don't shoot it," she said.
"Why not?"
"Well, I was gonna dig another big hole to move all the bodies into since they're piling up again, but why not just let the ghoul take care of it?"
"Because once it's done, it'll try to kill you and eat your flesh, maybe?" he said shaking his head, but he didn't kill it.
He started looking around for other monsters hiding in the trees to shoot.
She looked too, but she kept going back to watching the ghoul.
"Was that what it was like?" she asked, curiosity getting the better of her.
"When?"
"When your father sent you back but you were breaking down?"
He didn't reply.
"You said you had to consume—"
"We've all done things we're not proud of," he interrupted her.
"I know," she said. "You're not a ghoul, Ryan."
"I know that… It wasn't like…that," he said. "But, I couldn't…I couldn't absorb them like he does, I don't have his power." He knew it wasn't the best sight to behold. He had taken a lot of his rage out against his father on his victims when he had been forced to be the bad guy he wanted him to be.
"You killed monsters," she said.
"Well, you killed the Shunka," he said. "That one lasted a while."
"That was huge!" She remembered he was still posing as Vardemus at the time.
He grew quiet then admitted, "I didn't just kill monsters."
"What did you kill?" she asked.
Why was she asking all of this now? Or at all? He didn't want to have this conversation. He knew what he had done was wrong, but he did it anyway because he didn't really have any other choice so he just embraced it. It was pretty much the only time he had power over anything. With the last two… He had nearly blown his cover when he went after the blonde that he knew came from the pit. He had waited too long to consume something and having his senses flooded with the stench of the pit had made him act without thought. He had even killed the bartender too. It was pure luck that no one else was in the bar or he would have probably killed them too just to cover it all up.
"Whatever or whomever I wanted to," he said, making eye contact with her, wondering if this was the moment she would turn from him completely.
He knew she had been struggling with the killings. Her tears after killing the pixie queen showed that. She could claim all she wanted that it made things easier the more she did it, but there was no way someone who could cry after killing someone or who would think to heal an animal instead of putting it out of its misery could ever be as cruel and heartless as she feared.
He also knew she worried the darkness she may have inherited from her father would consume her and turn her into something she didn't want to be. But she was a far cry from that, especially when she had such a forgiving nature. The things she had forgiven him for were numerous. Would she forgive him once more? He wasn't going to apologize for his actions though. His direct reply and hard stare right now was telling her just that.
"Why?" She needed to know.
"Because they were there? Because I could? I was angry? I didn't have a choice? Because I didn't care? Take your pick."
She nodded and looked back down at the scene below.
He shot the ghoul in the head, and turned around, sliding down against the wall.
"Stop watching it."
"Don't really have a choice now," she said, seeing the creature fall and not get back up.
She turned and slid down next to him.
"I'm not judging you," she had to say. He may act like he wasn't bothered by what he had done, but he clearly felt some kind of remorse or the ghoul wouldn't have gotten to him.
He didn't reply.
"I've killed people," she said. "I've killed creatures that didn't deserve it. I'm the reason my parents are dead. I've made horrible choices. I have the potential for this great darkness inside of me, just waiting to be unleashed whenever I die and activate it. So, if you think I'm going to hold any of what you've done against you, think again. Judgment has no place between us…
"You're my friend, Ryan. Nothing's going to change that."
He gave her a weak smile.
There were so many things wrong with everything she said. She was so much better than him, better than he had ever been. But she was also the only one who would ever forgive him for all he had done, which was good because she made him feel like he could be better than his past actions—that he could be valuable, that he could be worth something. That he wasn't just a colossal mistake on the part of his father. That he was meant to be here. Meant to be with her… except… Friend. He would take it if that's all he would ever have with her, but he really wanted more.
"I told you so."
"I bet you just couldn't wait to say that," she gritted her teeth, cringing back. She didn't like snakes. "It didn't bite my ass though."
Snakes. Friggin snakes! At least she hadn't been using the toilet when they had come up out of the bowl, but she sure as hell would think twice before using it again now.
"So, how are we getting them out of here?" he asked, squeezed up next to her in the doorway.
She shuddered. "Just kill them. Shoot them or something."
"May not be that simple," he said, watching one that was slithering across the ceiling. "Some snakes are depicted coiled in a circle with their tail in their mouth to symbolize immortality. These might never die."
"Believe me," she said, eyes flashing with anger at the description of a symbol she was very familiar with. The Hollow. "They will. Nothing is immortal. There's always a loophole."
She conjured a spell, calling on her magic, infusing it with her rage, demanding her will be done, and Zap!
He jumped back out of the doorway with the force of her spell. Black lines of magic shot from her finger as she pointed at each of the snakes. They disintegrated on impact, leaving behind nothing but black dust.
"What was that?" he said, feeling the furious after effect of the spell hanging heavy in the air.
"A reminder," she glared around at the remains. "That even a snake can be defeated."
"Oh…kay?" he didn't get it. He was also pretty sure she had just used black magic without a spell, and he wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing.
"I'll put a boundary over all the pipe openings too, I guess," she sighed, letting go of the rage and swaying slightly. "Make extra sure nothing else can get through."
"You do that."
She couldn't believe it had already been a little over a week since they had arrived in Wyoming. Time passed so much faster and with so much less stress when they could relax every night.
It was hard to believe it wasn't that long ago her biggest worry was how to get him safely out of her subconscious. It seemed like months had passed.
Of course, that was the catalyst for all that followed and everything he had done for her ever since.
She looked over at him. He wasn't working on his book tonight. He was lying back on top of the covers, his arms crossed behind his head, deep in thought.
"Ryan?"
"Hmm?" he glanced at her.
"Why did you stay to help me after you got your body back? I mean, you saved me, and you went on this crazy journey with me," she said. "Why didn't you leave before anything with Malivore happened? You could be living the life right now, free and clear of all monsters."
He considered his answer carefully, wondering how truthful he should be, and then decided she needed to know all of it. Things were never going to change with her unless she understood the true extent of his feelings, at least what he knew of them. He was still trying to figure everything out.
"You once asked me what I would do once I got my body back. I didn't have an answer at the time," he began.
She nodded. She remembered that dream, when she was painting as he wondered around her studio.
"I didn't want to return to the father who would torture me for my failures. Serving him, getting my revenge, my life revolving around him in some way—that had always been my purpose though. Without that, what was my purpose? What was I supposed to do now?"
He made sure his eyes were staring directly into hers for the next part.
"Within an hour after leaving the cemetery, I knew," he said. "Whatever my plans, whatever I did next, it would all depend on one thing...
"You. It all depends on you. You're my purpose now."
Her breath caught as he stared into her eyes with that intensity of his that could make her toes curl.
She knew he wanted to be with her, she just never knew how deep the feelings ran. She didn't think asking him her question would lead to this. Hearing his words, she wanted to go to him. She wanted to be with him in all the ways he wanted her. The feelings she had for him were there, right below the surface, and she wanted to tell him, but…she couldn't.
He reached out to her, to tuck back a strand of hair that had fallen forward down the side of her face, but he stopped. His hand stilled in midair because she had never given him permission to touch her like that. But maybe, just maybe, she would?
"Hope…"
He whispered her name with such longing that she had to look away.
"Don't be afraid of me," he said. "I'd never hurt you."
"I know," she said, looking back at him, if only to reassure him. "I'm not afraid anymore."
"Then why?" he asked softly. "I know you like me. I know you accept me for who I am. So why look away instead of being with me?"
She squeezed her eyes closed tightly wishing she had a better reply but she owed him her honesty. She opened her eyes.
"I can't say yes to you when I'm in love with someone else."
He let his hand drop.
"Landon."
He sat up, pulling himself down to sit at the foot of the bed.
"Of course. How could I forget?"
He rubbed at his eyes with his fingers, glad to see they were still dry after the crippling blow she had just given him.
"That's it then? Friends forever because of him?"
She followed, sitting next to him.
"I'm sorry."
"He broke up with you," he pointed out, knowing it was pointless. Everything had come full circle. He thought they were finally making progress. He knew there was always a chance it wouldn't go well, but he had been hopeful for once.
"It doesn't matter," she said. "I still have feelings for him."
"You have feelings for me too," he insisted.
"I do," she admitted. "But I can't do that to you. I can't be with you when I know I'm not over him. It wouldn't be fair to you."
"I don't care," he said, staring straight ahead across the room.
"What?" she wanted to reach for him, but knew she shouldn't.
"I don't care about your feelings for him as long as you have them for me too. Love him." He looked at her again. His gaze was equal parts frustrated and desperate. "Just give me whatever's left. Give me something."
Her heart ached for him. She never realized just how starved for love he was. She wanted him, she just…
"I don't want to hurt you," she insisted. And he would be hurt if this ended badly.
"It's better than nothing at all. I've had nothing," he scoffed. "Believe me, its worse."
"And what if he survives?" she had to ask. "What if when this is all over Landon survives, and…? Then what?"
"At least I'd have had you for a little while," he said.
"Ryan…" Her eyes shimmered with unshed tears.
"Please," he pleaded.
She couldn't say no. He wanted it too much. She wanted it too. She would do this for him.
"Okay," she whispered, wondering if she was making a mistake, knowing it didn't matter. He needed her.
He seemed shocked that his pleading had gotten through to her for once.
She reached out to touch him, but paused. "May I?"
"Anything you want," he breathed out, staying very still lest she change her mind.
She reached with her middle and forefinger together and stroked the backs down the side of his face and along his jaw.
Then she leaned forward and kissed him.
It was everything she expected it to be and so much more.
When their lips met, she felt like everything exploded all around them. The heat, the longing, the firm press of their mouths—it all felt so good, so true, so right. Just like magic.
He slanted his head and the kiss deepened into something so hot, fiery, and passionate she gasped into his mouth and reached up to thread her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, urging him to stay right where he was.
He wasn't going anywhere. With her gasp, he only pulled back enough to nip at her bottom lip before he kissed her fully again.
She moaned into his mouth.
He was in heaven, a place that would always escape him, but if he could go there he knew it would feel exactly like this.
She was everything he ever wanted.
Who was he kidding? He would never be able to let her go. He just had to trust she would choose him in the end. He would do everything to make her see he was the better man for her. There was no other option.
He was careful not to take more than was offered, no matter how much he wanted to grasp her to him, fall back on the bed, and pleasure her until she promised to stay with him forever. He had promised he would never scare her or hurt her. Letting her take the lead had worked well so far or his mouth wouldn't be on hers.
Eventually they had to come up for air, and she pulled back, breathing hard, still holding on to him. Their eyes met and she ran those fingers up the side of his face again.
"Hold me?" she asked the words she always asked every night before bed.
"You don't have to ask," he said.
She climbed back up the bed into her usual spot and he followed, walking around and climbing in next to her.
When she came to him this time she kept her head on the pillow next to his, her entire body turned toward him. He turned toward her too.
She reached out to him, tracing his face, no longer hiding from the intensity of his gaze as she explored his features with her fingertips, memorizing them, taking her time as he made no demands of her.
Inside, she was reeling. She knew it would be intense, but she didn't know his kiss would make her feel things she had never felt before. It felt like coming home. Like this was where she was supposed to be. Like his mouth had been made just for hers and nothing else would ever fit quite as well.
If he saw her as his purpose, maybe she really was supposed to exist, to be here in this moment, as more than just a loophole to destroy a hell dimension. Maybe she wasn't some cosmic mistake. Maybe she was right where she was supposed to be, by his side.
Maybe he was her purpose too.
Maybe.
She kissed him again, lying there, and he kissed her back. This kiss was gentle, sweet. He reached his fingers up to stroke her hair back, loving that he could touch her like this now.
Her fingertips traced his lips. When they parted at her touch, she leaned in again, giving him a soft kiss.
"Good night, Ryan."
"Good night, Hope," he murmured.
She nuzzled her face into his neck and rested there, thoughts whirling, with her hand at his shoulder until she fell asleep.
He was going to take this all as a good sign. They had finally taken things to a physical level with that kiss and she had definitely liked it. A lot. It didn't matter that he had to put his pride aside for it to happen if it meant he could eventually have her. He just had to make her see how good it could continue to be, being with him.
To be continued…