A/N: Thanks for waiting! I know this story has been pretty angsty lately, but I hope you're able to see the development present in the shifts in language and the kinds of thoughts Sasuke has. I know it can be subtle and hard to keep track of when there are gaps between chapter, but, for example, the previous chapter was the first one in which Sasuke was ever explicitly suicidal. This story is a little strange in terms of the enormous focus on internal development, but it was always something I wanted to experiment with, so I hope it's interesting to some of you.

Anyway, this chapter is a little shorter than usual and may be considered oddly paced, but it's an important one! Please enjoy.

"In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it."

- Oscar Wilde

The morning sun is too bright. It's shining right in my eyes, threatening to obliterate me, but I don't have the energy to move. Sweat pours down the sides of my face, and I bury my head between my knees. Another morning, another day of hell. My calves are cramping. My stomach is burning. I'm exhausted, but alive. And I hate it.

Suddenly, my phone vibrates on the floor beside me, and my heart skips a beat. Still rubbing my calf with one hand, I reach for my phone and tap the screen.

Morning! I'll be outside your place at the same time as always.

I smirk. Naruto's morning texts never fail to make me feel…lighter. Like there's still some good in the world. When the sun rises and it dawns upon me that I have to live yet another day, knowing he'll be at my front door soon makes every breath more bearable.

And then the misery sets in—I still haven't given Naruto an answer yet. He's only doing all of this in hopes I'll accept his feelings, and I'm stringing him along letting him think it's possible. The moment I reject him, it won't just be the morning texts that'll end—it'll be everything. I might lose my best friend completely, all to please Father. Everything I've done, everything I've worked for has all been for Father's approval, but the longer I go on, the more I question if it's even obtainable. Nothing is ever enough. I can't make him happy, and I'm not even allowed to make myself happy.

I don't want to do this. Every cell in my body is shouting at me not to do this. But I have to end it.

Sighing, I push myself up from the floor, only for pain to shoot up my legs. The room falls away from underneath me, and—I blink. I'm on the bed. It all happened so fast. The room spins each time I blink, and black spots are obscuring my vision. What's happening to me? Everything is hazy, but I can still see, so it's not a migraine aura. Maybe my eyes are tired from studying so much. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter right now; I have to finish these last few squats to reach my quota for the morning.

I force myself onto my feet and hold onto my desk to steady myself. My hips and legs ache from my bike ride earlier, and everything keeps whirling. It's making me nauseous, but this is something I have to do. I can't let a broken rib stop me from exercising.

I bend my knees. "498."

I bend them again. "499."

One last time. "500."

Pain rips through my chest. My heartbeat pulses through my entire body, and it feels like I'm about to explode from the inside. The world falls until all I can see is the ceiling. It hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts it hurts it hurts…it…it doesn't matter. This is normal now. Can't think. Can't move. Can't breathe. Just pain. Just normal.

Knock knock.

I freeze. Father? Nii-san? They can't see me like this. Even with my heart about to burst, I manage to climb into bed and throw my sheets over myself.

The door clicks open. I try as hard as I can to muffle my haggard breathing, to suppress all the pain inside me, but I can't tell if it's working—the ringing in my ears is too loud.

"Good morning, Sasuke."

It's hard to hear him properly, but I'm sure it's Nii-san. There's the sound of the blinds opening, and a light appears on the other side of my bedsheets. What the hell does he want with me now?

"I am well aware that you refuse to speak to me," Nii-san says. "I simply wanted to let you know that Father and I are on the way to the airport now. We should both be back this weekend."

I say nothing. Father is probably going to Japan on business, and I'm sure Nii-san is taking care of something at Harvard. Fine. Just leave so I can let the pain flow out of me.

"Are you awake, Sasuke?"

Suddenly light seers my eyes, and I cover them with my hands. How dare Nii-san rip the sheet off of me? I—

"Are you feeling unwell?"

I peer at him through the gaps between my fingers. There's a crease between his eyebrows, and the lines around his eyes are deeper than usual. But I still hate him, and now my heart is beating out of control. I can't talk like this. All I can do is lift my arm to wave him away, but…my arm is shaking. When did I get so weak? When did it get so heavy, so fat—

"You should stay home today," Nii-san says. "I will call the school—"

"No." It takes all the energy I can muster to talk while controlling my breathing. "I'll go."

"Sasuke, you must take better care of your health."

"I said I'm going."

Nii-san pauses, but then he sighs. "I will call the school anyway. I have left both breakfast and lunch for you at the table, so make sure to eat it."

Of course I won't. I'm fasting. I can't even remember the last time I ate anymore.

"Hn," I grunt before covering myself with the sheet again. He needs to leave. Now.

But he doesn't leave. The seconds tick by, and the pain is begging me to let it flood my entire body, but he makes no effort to move. Finally, he clears his throat.

"I will tell you everything about the accident upon my return."

I peer open my eyes. Nii-san? Offering me information? He's lying. After all these years, there's no way he'd ever tell me anything now. It's a ploy for him to control me.

"Like hell you will," I mutter.

"I promise I will on one condition, Sasuke," he says. "I would like you to undergo your annual medical checkup next week."

"What for?" I wrap the sheet even tighter around myself. We don't even have a family doctor.

"It is normal for people to undergo a regular health exam regardless of whether they believe they have a medical issue or not."

I want to scream at him, scream that I don't need a doctor, that I don't need help, that I'm fine, but I have no energy left. I can barely string a sentence together. I'm just too tired.

"I am currently searching for a family doctor, and I will drive you to the subsequent appointment."

I can't. If I go, the doctor will see it all, and that's the end of everything. I guess Nii-san doesn't know what Father has been doing to me after all. There's no way he'd be doing this if he knew.

"If you are healthy like you say you are, it should not be a problem," Nii-san presses. But I am healthy. Just bruised. Scarred.

The pain makes it a struggle to keep my voice steady, and I shut my eyes. "Just leave me alone."

But he still doesn't leave. Why the hell is he doing this to me? Of course I want him to tell me whatever is left of the truth, but I know enough. I saw it all. Any excuses he might have for me are just that, and they're not worth wrecking whatever is left of this family.

"Time to go, Itachi."

My blood runs cold. Father.

I scramble to sit up, but pain jars my rib, and I barely suppress the agony stuck in my throat. Father is standing just outside my room, but his eyes only see Nii-san.

"Good morning, Father," I say, bowing slightly, but my voice is strained.

Father snaps his head toward me, but the moment he lays his eyes on me...his face changes. It's no longer his usual curt expression, but something else, something more sinister. His lip is curled, his jaw is tense, and his eyes are narrow, darker than I've ever seen them before. They're filled with so much malice that the sheer weight of it crushes me. This isn't just disapproval. It's hatred.

His expression tells me everything I needed to know. No matter what I do or what I look like, no matter how much I could ever achieve, it'll never be enough for him. I destroyed Mom and ruined this family; the sin I've committed is too great to ever be forgiven. I am nothing but scum in front of Father. It's over.

I flinch; Nii-san poked my forehead. I open my eyes just in time to see the ghost of a smile on Nii-san's face before he turns away, and again Father is only looking at him. Neither of them even glance at me before closing the door, finally leaving me in silence…and in pain. My chest feels like it is splitting in half, and I gasp for air. It hurts so much. My head is always pounding, and my stomach is gnawing at itself so much it feels like it might rip a hole through my body. Despair fills the cavity inside me. Just another day.

I check my phone. 7:54. I have plenty of time to get ready for school, but I don't even know how I'm going to get there. My body is so tired that it might not survive me trying to get out of bed. It's all so pointless. Why am I even here?

But Naruto is coming. I have to go. It takes everything in me to stand up, and the moment I do, the entire room starts spinning. I fall forward, but grab my desk in time to prevent myself from hitting the ground. Shit. This isn't good. Maybe a shower will help. I slowly remove all my clothes, stagger forward into the bathroom, and—

...who is that?

The bathroom is dark, but there's enough sunlight that I can glimpse my reflection in the bathroom mirror, except…it's not me. It's someone skeletal. The edges of his shoulders are as sharp as knives, and I can count every rib all the way up his torso to his chest. His collarbones are protruding, his cheeks are sunken, his head is too big for his body, and—

I flick on the lights, only to feel a mixture of relief and disgust. There's no one but me. Just me and my wide, flabby, fat body. I must be overtired. Maybe what I saw was desperate hope that I could be that thin, that I could finally be happy, but there was nothing. I must be hallucinating.

I shake my head and step on the scale instead. The numbers on the display soar higher and higher, my chest feels tight, it's hard to breathe, and—

86 pounds.

…does that mean...?

No. My brain is too tired. I can't even do the math. But a few pounds ago I was already close to 40 kilograms, so I must be around or under that now. I…I did it. I accomplished my goal. Fasting finally made the weight slip off. How many days did it take? I can't remember. My brain is fuzzy. But it doesn't matter. I did it.

I look back in the mirror, and any happiness I had dies away. If I only weigh 40 kilograms, how is it that I look the same or even bigger? Why do I still look so fat? My brain hurts. It doesn't make any sense. I should be thin. How much more weight do I need to lose for Father to finally accept me? What's the point? He'll never accept me.

But there's no choice. I stay on my feet long enough to shower, brush my teeth, and put on my uniform before heading down the stairs. I take my jacket and lay it on one of the kitchen chairs before sitting down, then check the time. 8:17. Naruto should be here soon.

My eyes travel to the kitchen counter. There's a bento box—I guess that's the lunch Nii-san made for me—but the rice cooker is still on, and there's some grilled mackerel left on a plate too. That must be breakfast. Why is he leaving so much food for me? Is he…? No, there's no way. But there's no other explanation. Nii-san is trying to sabotage me. He's trying to make me gain weight so I'm an even greater disgrace to Father, that way I can never threaten his own position in the company. I can't believe he'd sink so low. Nii-san used to be so kind to me, and now he's just another monster. We all are.

I look longingly at the grilled mackerel. My stomach is so hollow that I'd do anything to eat just a bite, but the moment I eat something, I might not be able to stop. I'd make a pig out of myself, then have to throw it all up in order to at least maintain my weight. What an embarrassment. I have to resist. It shouldn't be a problem; I'm not even hungry. Just tired. Numb. But didn't I say I could ease up on calorie restrictions once I hit 40 kilograms? I can eat. I—

Ding dong.

Shit. Naruto's here. Do I take the bento? No, I shouldn't let anything tempt me. But I should eat something. No. I can't eat. And I won't touch it if Nii-san is the one who made it.

I stand up, holding onto the table until the dizzy spell passes. My stomach burns so badly, and my legs still ache, but it's time to go. I shove the bento in my backpack—just in case—turn off the rice cooker, and head for the door. After grabbing my violin and slipping on my shoes, I finally open the door.

"Hey," I say as I step outside and lock the door behind me.

"Morning." Naruto grins, and suddenly I'm not as cold. He always looks so bright, like he's ready to tackle the harshness of this world. His blue eyes dance in the sunlight, and there's a hint of mischievousness to his smile. He's…he's…No. I can't. The closer I get to him, the more I fall in love with him. And that just makes this so much harder.

Naruto looks at me for a second, and his face falls. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Why?" I ask as I finish zipping up my jacket.

"You look sick," he says.

Sick? I'm tired. Weak. Desperate to die. Same as always.

"I'm fine," I brush him off. "Come on."

We walk side by side down the porch and toward the main street. I gaze at his profile, try to blink the black spots away so I can see him clearly, but it's not working. Everything is so hazy, and I don't know if it's me or the weather. Still, none of that matters. I've let this go on for too long. It's time to end it.

"Stop walking to school with me after today," I say. "There's no point in you getting off the bus a stop early."

"But I want to!" Naruto turns to me. "I told you before and I'll tell you again: I want to be with you. Oh, but if it makes you uncomfortable, I'll—"

"No." I stop him. "It's fine."

I'm so stupid. I'm supposed to end everything, but I'm letting my feelings get in the way. I should never have entertained this in the first place. At least the adrenaline is giving me enough energy to talk.

Naruto smiles, but then his face turns grim. "Since we're already talking about that…well, it's been almost two weeks. Have you thought about it yet? You know…about how you feel?"

Anguish courses through my chest. I knew he would ask sooner than later, so this shouldn't bother me; I'm not supposed to cling to dreams anyway. Even if I couldn't stop him from invading my heart, there's no room for him in my life. Now, even if it rips me apart, even if it takes away the one shot at happiness I have left, I need to end this.

…

I don't want to. It's destroying me.

…

But I have to. Putting it off is only making it worse.

"You shouldn't fall in love with me."

Naruto's eyes fill with sadness, and I can almost see his heart shatter. But this was inevitable. No matter how much I want to entwine his hand with mine, there's no future for us. I should have just left him alone when he started dating Hinata, and we wouldn't be in this mess now.

For some reason, Naruto laughs, but it's empty. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means we can't be together."

"Why not?"

There are so many reasons I could give him, but he would reject almost every one of them. He doesn't care how damaged or disgusting I am. There's only one thing left to say.

"My father would never allow it."

"Oh...is your dad religious or something?" Naruto asks, but the hurt is already seeping into his voice.

"He's…traditional." I stuff my hands in my pockets—they're encased in ice. "He'll probably have me marry an heiress to a Japanese conglomerate similar to ours."

He frowns. "Hinata told me her family was like that too, but I didn't really get the point of it."

"Stocks," I say. "Money. Marriage is just a business arrangement for families like mine."

Suddenly, Naruto's face contorts with anger, and I stop in my tracks. Why is he looking at me like that? Even the scars on his cheeks look darker. Is he going to hurt me? Please, I—

"For money? How the hell is that fair?!" He clenches his fists. "There's more to life than money. What about what you want? What about what makes you happy!?"

I pause. He's not mad at me…right? He's not going to hit me. Naruto wouldn't do that. I have to calm down. Besides, he doesn't even know what he's talking about. My life? It's never been mine. It has always belonged to the Uchiha, and that's not going to change. Naruto would never understand. The cultural gap is too great.

"You don't know my father," I say. "I can't oppose him as easily as you think. We'd have to break up eventually."

That's right. Because what I want doesn't matter to Father, not as long as both my triumphs and failures are reduced to reflections of him. I still remember how angry he was when Naruto came over without his permission. How would he react if he thought we were dating? I don't even want to imagine it. All I know is that he wouldn't approve at all. The punishment...that's what I'm afraid of.

Cars zoom past us as we reach the intersection. The smell of the exhaust makes my stomach churn, and I have to hold my breath to keep the nausea at bay. I press one hand against my stomach—the pain seems to get worse every day, and I don't know what to do about it anymore.

"Are you saying it wouldn't be safe?"

"What?" I look up.

"To come out to your dad."

I stare at the broken concrete at my feet. How could I possibly come out to Father when I don't even know myself? I wouldn't know what to say. Besides Naruto, all people are the same to me—I don't like any of them. Wait…did he ask me if it was safe? Does he suspect something? I—

"Would he kick you out or something?"

Relief. He doesn't know. If only kicking me out was the worst that could happen.

"Probably," I say as I kick at the concrete.

Naruto sighs. "Yeah, I remember your dad being pretty scary, so...I get it."

We cross the street without another word. The emptiness inside me grows even deeper, and I dig my fingernails into my palms. This…this isn't what I wanted. But what does that matter? I've always done whatever Father has told me to do, even if it meant throwing my own feelings away. I knew from the start I couldn't have Naruto, so there's no point in being upset about it.

I swallow the lump in my throat as we finally reach the other side of the street. I…I've lost Naruto. I lost the last light I had. My heart is crumbling into nothing, and the darkness is quickly encroaching upon whatever is left of me.

I'm alone.

"So I guess that means we'll have to date in secret!"

...What? That's not what I said. He was supposed to give up on me. He was supposed to finally—

"Sasuke?"

"You idiot!" I glare at him. "I just told you we can't do this!"

"Why not?" he says. "You told me how your dad feels, not how you feel."

...He's still here. There's still a light.

But I've already made up my mind to do this. I should have just told Naruto from the start that I've always hated him. I have to end this.

"But there's no point," I insist. "If we date, we'll both only get hurt in the end."

The widest grin spreads across Naruto's face, and joy replaces the sadness in his eyes. "So you do like me then!"

Fuck.

"I never said that!" I start walking faster. "I've never liked anyone before."

"Until you met me, right?" Naruto teases as he keeps up with me, and my face goes hot. He always sees right through me, and...I don't want to lose him. I've spent so long trying to break our bond, and I'm just so…tired. Tired of lying. Tired of everything. It hurts to keep hanging on when I already know it's futile.

Naruto is still smiling. "I don't mind hiding it for now since it's not safe for you. After high school you'll be able to move out, and—"

But I'm still not ready to let go.

"I already said we can't, Naruto!"

My voices echoes in the morning air. Naruto's eyes widen, and guilt starts eating away at me, but I keep going. "My father isn't going to change his mind. He'd be mad if I was dating a Japanese girl while still in school, but dating a guy? A white guy? He'd disown me, Naruto. You don't know what it's like to have parents who don't love you."

That shuts Naruto up quickly, but the sad look on his face makes this sting even more. Is he pitying me? Am I that pathetic to him? But then the breeze tussles his hair, and when he moves his bangs away from his face, the way the light hits his eyes makes them look like sapphires.

...I love him. Maybe I'm the stupid one for sabotaging this, but as long as I'm still alive, even if it's hopeless, I have to find a way to survive in Father's house.

Survive in Father's house? Forget that. I'm already dead. And I'm about to throw away my last chance at having a life at all.

"Sasuke." Naruto suddenly gazes at me, and his eyes are firm. "You're right. I can't understand how it's possible for your dad to not love or accept you, but I know there are a lot of bad things in this world, so I believe you. But you've given me all these reasons you should reject me except for the only one that should matter: that you don't actually like me. And I don't think it's fair to give up on your own happiness when you haven't even given yourself a chance to try yet."

Father's disgusted expression flashes through my mind. I already know what an utter abomination I am to him, so why am I even trying? I already decided to die. I can't live up to Father's expectations, and dying would also let him down, so nothing I do makes a difference. If I finally give in to this feeling, I have nothing more to lose except my life. I'm so tired. Ending my life will always be an option if things get worse—there's something comforting about that. I don't know if I'm giving up or clinging to hope. Maybe both.

"You don't know what you're getting into. You're going to regret this."

"No matter what you throw at me, I can handle it. I already said I'd keep it a secret!"

"You don't get it, Naruto. If you keep acting like this, you're going to get hurt. You'll probably be bullied again."

"And it's going to hurt if you keep pushing me away too!" Naruto's voice spikes, and I tense, but then his face softens. "There's only one question I'm asking you. Do you...do you like me?"

…

This is my last chance. This is dangerous, and it probably won't end well. I thought I had already made up my mind, but I guess I'm just this weak. The one thing I know for sure is that I don't want to lose Naruto. He's my best friend, or...something like that, anyway.

…

This is it. I can't run from myself anymore.

We make our way to the backstreets again, and I take a deep breath. "School's just up ahead, so we'll finish this conversation later," I say. "But for now…"

…I don't know what to say. This is awkward. Naruto has already stopped walking, and his eyes are so nervous, so full of hope.

"Just keep it a secret." I sigh.

"Wait, wait!" Naruto's eyes are shining. "So that's a yes, right? You do like me?"

"Yes," I say, exasperated.

Naruto smiles so broadly that his eyes crinkle. He always acts like he's happy, but this…this is real. He's glowing so brightly it almost makes me feel warm too. I can't remember the last time I did something I wanted instead of what I was supposed to do. I don't know what is going to happen to us—I don't even know if I have a future—but for once, even if it's just a momentary feeling, I'm...happy. For the first time since I moved here, I've finally been honest with someone. With myself.

"Man, I can't believe this is actually happening!" Naruto has his hands in his hair like he doesn't know what to do with himself. "I was so nervous! I promise I won't say anything to anybody. I mean, I haven't actually told anyone I'm bi yet either, so—"

My mouth twitches, but I hold back the smile as we start toward the school again. "You can talk to Sakura. She already knows."

Naruto's jaw drops. "WHAT!?"

"She figured it out a while ago," I readjust my backpack straps—they're digging into my skin. "Both your feelings…and mine."

"Why didn't she say anything to me then?" Naruto says, still shocked. "Wait, your feelings? You've liked me all this time and I had no idea!?"

My face burns, and I look away as the school comes into view. "That doesn't matter now."

"But how did she—!?"

"She's observant."

Naruto laughs sheepishly. "I guess I was too obvious if even Sakura knew. No wonder Hinata broke up with me!" But then he skips in front of me and stops. "Hey, you wanna race the rest of the way to school? I swear I'll beat you!"

I smirk. I thought he'd never ask. This…this is just like old times. The times when I was happy, or at least happier than now. It's a faint pulse, but there is some life in me somewhere. And now I'm dying to run, to challenge him, to challenge myself.

But even if there is fleeting happiness in my heart, everything else aches. Something feels off, and my body, my stomach is begging me not to do this. I blink, and the spots are still there. Even if my heart is lighter, my body feels so weighed down by everything. I can't let that stop me. I'm strong enough.

After checking that there's no one directly behind us, I hold my violin case close to my chest and crouch into starting position. "Let's go."

Naruto's hand brushes mine as he crouches beside me, and electricity runs through my veins. I never thought I'd care about him this much, let alone that he could possibly reciprocate how I feel. For once, there's something in my life that feels right.

He clears his throat. "Three…two…one…go!"

Before I can even move, Naruto speeds ahead of me. How? I know I'm injured, but I've been exercising so much for the last few months—I should be stronger than this. I'm going as fast as I can, but my ribcage cries out with every step, and I can barely go on. The pain in my stomach is only getting worse, my legs are aching to the point of not cooperating with me, they're going…numb…and…

Pain tears through my left leg. I try to keep myself steady, but my knees give out, and I slam into the concrete.

My rib.

White. It's hot. It's burning. A guttural sound. Me? It hurts. But I can't let Naruto see me like this. I have to get up and—

"Sasuke!" Hurried footsteps. A shadow above me. In front of me. Blue eyes.

"I'm fine." I look away. I don't want to see the expression on his face. "I just twisted my ankle."

My rib feels like I broke it all over again. Every breath sends a stabbing pain through my side, and I gasp as I sit up. There's only pain. I can't see properly. Everything is foggy.

No. I have to pretend everything is fine. Still wincing, I roll up my pant leg and try to inspect my shin, but I can't see beyond these fucking dark spots in the way. How bad is it? I don't think it's broken, but my leg has been aching for a while now, so it might be a stress fracture. But now the pain in my stomach is even sharper and—

Naruto holds his hand out to me. "You gotta stop being so clumsy."

He's not yelling at me about going to the hospital, so I guess my leg can't look that bad. Good. I brush away his hand and go to get up on my own…but…

…

I...I can't get up.

My right leg won't move. It's numb. I try to move it, but the most I can do is make it twitch. Have I really gotten so weak that my own muscles won't even hold me up? Naruto is here. What do I do? This isn't good. He's going to call an ambulance. I—

"Sasuke?" Naruto cocks his head.

"I sprained my left ankle. Hard," I murmur. "I can't move it."

What time is it? I'm going to be late for school. Forget that. I can't even get to school. The sidewalks are starting to fill with students, and I'm sitting on the pavement like some idiot. I press my fist against my abdomen as if I could suppress the pain, but with the throbbing in my side, it doesn't help. This must be karma for letting my feelings get in the way of my goals. I've let Father down. I've let myself down.

Naruto stares at me for a while longer, but then, still crouched, he switches his knapsack around and turns his back to me.

"Get on." He looks at me from over his shoulder. "I'll take you to the nurse's office. You need to get your ankle looked at, and your face is pretty scratched up too."

My face? Now that I think about it, my left cheek stings. But it's nothing compared to the headache, the snapped rib, the agony in my stomach. Fuck, now even one of my legs is paralyzed. This...this could be an emergency. I should go home. No. I can't afford to go home. If I miss more school, my grades will tank, and then…that would be an emergency too. And I know which one would be worse.

I reach my arms out and wrap them around Naruto's neck while being careful to not hit him with my violin case. He hoists me up on his back and sets off for school, my right leg dangling uselessly with every step.

This is humiliating. I must be so heavy. I can't believe I'm doing this to him. All this fat I've failed to rid myself of is now his burden, but there was no other way to get to school. I'm paralyzed and in pain. I should be focusing on this small happiness between us before my heart is swallowed by the void again, but it seems like there's always darkness waiting around the corner.

"Is this a bad omen for our relationship or something?" Naruto laughs. His voice sounds like bells, and I can't help but rest my head against his neck. He smells like soap, and the warmth of his body eases some of the chills running through me. It's the first time I've been this close to him since that fake kiss at his birthday party. He feels safe.

No. We're only a block away from school. There are other students around, and they're probably watching us. I pull my head away and stare at the ground instead. I've been hiding my feelings for so long, but now it's become even harder. This was a mistake. What was I thinking? I've never done anything so selfish before. Maybe this is a bad omen. I've screwed up any chance I had left of making Father proud. Any choice I make requires a sacrifice, and I still haven't decided what I'm willing to give up. It's going to hurt no matter what I choose.

But for now, it's still a secret.

"Almost there," Naruto huffs as we cross through the school grounds, and my face burns. There are too many people here, and I can feel the stares of our classmates when Naruto walks past them. I'm too heavy. I shouldn't do this to him. I'll break his back if he carries me any farther.

"The hell're you doing, Naruto?"

I freeze. Who was that? They're already bullying him again. It's stupid, but some people will make up any reason to hate someone. I—

"Just fooling around, Kiba!" Naruto yells back, and he keeps going. I let some of my tension go; they were just joking. But Naruto is still putting himself at risk.

Brrriiiing.

Shit. The first bell is ringing, and we're only at the entrance. We're going to be late as it is, but I can't let us be seen like this either. "Put me down."

"No way," he says, but his breathing is laboured. "I told you I'd take you to the nurse's office."

"You are not carrying me inside the school!" I hiss. I'd jump off of him, but in my current state I'd probably land in a broken heap.

"Can you even walk?"

"Just let me down. Now."

Naruto's body tenses with hesitation, but he relents. I slip down his back, and my feet touch the ground, but…my leg is still so numb. I clutch onto Naruto's blazer to the point my knuckles are white. Right now I'm managing to stand, but once I let go of him, I don't know if I'll be able to hold myself up. Still...I have to let go at some point.

I slowly let my arms drop to my sides and brace myself. My legs are shaking, and pain is still coursing through my left leg and my ribcage, but…I'm standing. Maybe I need to take a break from exercising, especially while I'm fasting. With my stomach tearing itself apart like this, I don't have the energy to keep going.

"See?" I show Naruto as if this is anything to be proud of.

"Whatever, bastard." He adjusts his backpack so it's on properly again. "But seriously, you don't look good. I'm still taking you to the nurse's office."

"I'm going to class. I just have to put my violin in my locker first."

Naruto crosses his arms. "You can't just go to class like this! Even if you can walk, your face is a mess!"

A mess?

"I can take care of myself," I deadpan, then gingerly step inside the school. I grimace—I still can't walk properly. It's like my leg is disconnected from my brain, and it's an effort just to drag it behind me. I'm too slow like this, and students are already walking around me to get by. This is bad.

The stairs. Fuck. I grip the railing as hard as I can as I force my legs up the stairs. I'm holding everyone up, and now there are too many students going down the other side of the stairs for anyone to pass me from the side. I grit my teeth; what the hell is wrong with me? I can't stop by my locker like this, or I'll lose my momentum going up the stairs. I'll be late for class. I have to keep going, and I'll just leave my violin behind Kakashi's desk.

"Sasuke," Naruto says from behind me, but I already know. I'm in the way, and there's still another flight of stairs left. I should have tried to take the elevator, but there's no way the principal would let me use it without a medical certificate. I'm stuck heaving my body up the stairs like this and subjecting myself to all the anger brimming from those behind me.

Brrriiiing.

No. I just made it to the fourth floor, and I'm already late for class. My heart is racing, and I can't catch my breath. The stairs aren't supposed to be this hard. I'm supposed to be able to move my legs properly. But I can't.

"You really need to go home, Sasuke," Naruto says as he comes up beside me. "You look terrible."

You look terrible.

I already know that, Naruto. You don't need to make it worse. So much for thinking I'm beautiful.

"So that's how you really feel?" I hiss.

But before he can answer me, Naruto opens the door. At first the room is loud with chatter, but the moment we step inside, the noise dies down. Everyone…they're all staring at us. I try to ignore them as I drop my violin by Kakashi's desk, then collapse in my own seat, but their silence evolves into whispers. Even as I take my things out of my backpack and get ready for class, the ugliness of their words invades my ears.

"Did you see them on the sidewalk together this morning?"

"Dude needs to eat a burger."

"He gave him a piggyback ride here!"

"He looks like a fucking twig."

"He's a disaster waiting to happen."

They're...they're talking about us. About Naruto. They're still bullying him, even if only behind his back. No matter how we feel about each other, I should never have let him carry me here. It was pathetic of me, but they're taking it out on Naruto to the point of even making fun of how he looks. But it doesn't make any sense. Naruto is…good looking. They must be running out of ways to insult him if they're trying to make fun of his weight.

"Don't listen to them."

I look up. Sakura is staring at me from her seat beside me, and her face is grim. She should be talking to Naruto, not me.

Finally the door swings open, and Kakashi strolls in with yet another of his countless excuses. I don't care. I need to calm down, stop worrying about everything, and focus on Lord of the Flies.

But fire burns through my stomach, and I try to swallow the nausea. I haven't eaten in days…or a week? Over a week? I can't remember. But this pain isn't hunger. My stomach is just eating away at itself. Is it supposed to hurt this much? My ribcage is still hot from pain, and this headache never goes away. And my legs. My left leg is still throbbing, and my right…it's too weak.

No. Focus. Chapter 5. I'm taking notes on violence and the characters' fear of the beast. But I'm reading every word on the slides, and I still can't piece together what any of the sentences mean. My brain isn't process—

My pen falls from my left hand, and I narrowly suppress my voice from crying out. My fingers...they're tight. They're curling at all different angles. I try to straighten them, but I can't. They're locked. They're cramping so hard it hurts.

Calm down. I need to drink more water, that's all. I grab my water bottle from my bag and gulp down as much water as I can.

Too much water. It all rises up my esophagus, and I barely manage to keep it down. I can't throw up here. I have to sit quietly, breathe, and take notes. Even if they're just scribbles with my right hand, they're better than nothing. Now my left hand is just as useless as my leg. But I can't write fast enough with my right hand, the slides fly past me without me copying down anything, and—

Brrriiiing.

Fuck. And now one flight of stairs up to business class. Can I even walk there? After shoving my stuff into my backpack, I clutch my desk and force myself to a standing position. Success. But my legs are shaking. They can't support my weight. Just more proof of how much I've let myself go.

"Sasuke?"

I turn to my right. Sakura again.

"Are you all right?" she asks.

"Yeah."

She looks uneasy. "Don't you think you should go to the nurse's office? You look out of it, and I heard some people say they saw you fall on the way to school. I mean, your face..."

"I'm just tired." No. That excuse won't hold up if she sees how weak I am. "I think I sprained my ankle."

"I have a presentation next class, so I gotta run," Naruto says as he comes up from behind me. "But if you don't go to the nurse today, I'm gonna kick your ass, okay?"

A sharp pain stabs under my ribs. I clutch at my stomach—no, my screwed-up hand is showing. I hastily hide my left hand behind my back, but the two of them are staring at me. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

"I'll go at lunch if I still feel sick." I relent. Studying at home and getting notes from them later would be more effective than this. I should be celebrating what happened with Naruto, and yet I still feel as awful as always.

"You better!" Naruto smiles before running out the door, and I trudge over to Kakashi's desk to pick up my violin.

"Running late this morning, Sasuke?" Kakashi says without looking up from his desk. "You should head to the nurse's office and clean up your face. I'm sure your teacher for next period will understand."

I glare at him as I grab my violin. "I didn't ask you."

"I have a spare this period, so I'll walk you to class, okay?" Sakura says hastily before Kakashi can reply. "I'm worried about you."

"Don't be."

She bites her lip. "I'm going with you anyway."

"Suit yourself."

I drag myself out of the classroom with Sakura by my side. The hallways are jammed with so many students that my sluggish pace is no longer a concern. But there are dark spots floating everywhere, my hand is still locked, and my leg is half numb. I don't know what's happening to me. I'm just tired.

"I need to copy your English notes later," I say nonchalantly, but I know Sakura won't buy it.

"Sure!" She smiles at first, but then she hesitates. "You missed something?"

"My pen ran out of ink."

"Oh, yeah." She nods. "By the way, did something happen with Naruto this morning?"

"Why?" I switch to Japanese as I brace myself for the stairs looming in front of me. My leg trembles every time I try to put weight on it, and at this rate it's going to buckle.

"I heard people say they saw Naruto giving you a piggyback ride," she follows my cue and replies in Japanese. "I know you said you sprained your ankle, but…did he finally confess to you?"

I check my surroundings—there are enough Japanese students here that it's still too much of a risk to talk about this in public. "I'll tell you later."

Sakura's eyes turn glassy. "That's…not a no."

She climbs the rest of the stairs in silence. She's the one who said she wanted to be just friends, but it looks like she didn't mean it. That's her problem, not mine.

It's only once we're outside my classroom that she turns to face me. "I'm really happy for you," she says unconvincingly. "I guess this is a secret then?"

"Yeah." I nod.

"Well, I'm here if you need help or want to talk about it! I can even pretend to be your girlfriend if you need me to." She laughs, but I can't tell if she's joking.

But then it hits me. Another wave of pain. I stifle a groan and clutch at my stomach. This pain is devouring everything left in me. My head is pounding, my legs are a mess, my rib hurts, and I'm just so tired.

"Sasuke? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I say through gritted teeth.

"You don't look fine. You know, instead of just the nurse's office, I think we should go to the hos—"

"I'm fine!" I snap.

Sakura stops, and she stares at the ground. "At least let me take your violin down to the music room," she says as she holds one hand out. "There's no point in you carrying it around when you don't need it."

I don't even try to protest, instead just passing her the violin case with my good hand. She waves at me before rejoining the line of students moving through the stairwell, but her eyes are pained. She wouldn't be like that if she, if everybody stopped trying to tell me what to do with my body. I'm fine. I have to be.

I walk into the classroom before the second bell rings, but…people are staring again. At me. What did I do? Don't tell me there are already rumours that Naruto and I are dating. No. This is bad for both of us. If Father were to find out, I...

I sigh. There's always an escape.

This time I take off my jacket and leave it on my seat before sitting at my desk. Business class. I have zero interest in this, and yet it's my future. Why? Just because I was born an Uchiha?

"How the hell is that fair?!"

I hold my head in my hands. No. I'm not supposed to think like that. I'm like this because I'm not feeling well. Everything is foggy, but not like before. This time it's like my brain isn't functioning properly. My stomach is still shredding itself, and my limbs aren't cooperating with me. That's it.

I take out my textbook and open it to the current chapter. Is this even the current chapter? None of this is familiar. But I'm doing this for Father. Everything is for Father. Can't I do something for me? I already did. A mistake. I'm supposed to focus on business. Didn't I join some business club back in September? When is the last time I even went to a meeting? I can't remember. It feels like a lifetime ago.

Brrriiiing.

The bell again. Mr. Shiranui starts droning on about something, and I stare at the table of numbers projected on the screen. Something about interest. Is that what he said? Or was it about debt and credit? Basic math either way. But...I don't know what I'm doing. Isn't this just addition and subtraction? 2500 minus 700...Shit. I can't even do this in my head. Why? Did I hit my head when I fell this morning? None of this makes any sense to me. Instead of the fog encircling the world, it's all trapped in my head. I can't think straight.

Plunk.

...No. Not my arm too. What the hell is going on? My right arm won't move. It's lying on the desk, and with each second that passes, more and more sensation drains away from it. No. This isn't good. I might end up completely paralyzed by the end of the day if I don't do something now. I need to go home. No, I need to go to the hospital. But then...they'll see the scars. The bruises. And I'll lose everything.

...Maybe resting at home will be enough to make this all go away.

I grimace as I again hold onto my abdomen. My stomach is getting worse. I'm being torn apart from the inside, and my guts are about to spill out. My skin is clammy, and sweat runs down my temples. I can't live like this.

Suddenly, there are chairs scratching and squeaking against the floor, and I look up. Did class end already? How? I didn't learn anything. I'm too consumed by my own pain to pay attention. I try to get up, but I can't even clutch onto my desk for support anymore, not with both my arm and hand like this. What do I do? I need my bag and jacket. I sit forward just far enough to grab my jacket with my cramped hand—at least I can still feel it—and slip my arms through my backpack straps. And now…I stand. I can barely keep my balance as the floor spins underneath me, but I'm up. I…I should go home. But I need to rehearse, and my violin is in the music room. I need to go there first before I decide what to do next.

I leave the classroom, but the ringing in my ears is becoming unbearable, the spots in my vision are getting bigger and bigger until they obscure everything, I can't see, can't feel—

"Sasuke!"

I open my eyes. It's Naruto. We're on the floor. His eyes are huge, and…he's holding me. My head is buried in his chest.

Fuck. I try to push him away, but I'm too weak. Students are slowing down to stare at us before moving on down the hallway. We're going to get found out before anything even starts.

"That's it!" he puts his hands on my shoulders as we sit up. "You're going home right now."

"I'm fine." I'm not. Another pang of pain hits my stomach, and my breath gets caught in my throat before I can stand up.

"Sasuke, you just fainted!"

"I need to rehearse for orchestra tomorr—"

"You need to rest so you don't pass out when I'm not around to catch you!"

"Why the hell are you here anyway?" I mutter. "Class just ended."

His cheeks flush. "I ran out of class as soon as the bell rang to come meet you. But that's not the point! I'm going to call Itachi to come get you, and I'll wait for him with you at the nurse's office."

"He's not home."

"What?" Naruto sounds exasperated at this point.

"He left this morning for Harvard."

"What about your dad then?"

"He flew back to Japan for business."

Naruto curses under his breath. "Okay, then I'm going to call my mom to take you to the hospital. It's not normal to be fainting like this, Sasuke. But let's go to the caf first! You'll faint again if you don't eat something."

Dread squeezes my chest. Eat? I can't eat. But I've already reached my goal. I'm at something like 39 kilograms now. 86 pounds. I can afford to eat. My fast is supposed to be done. But I'm so fucking fat that I don't deserve to eat. Maybe I can eat here and just throw it up after. But then how much more weight do I need to lose to finally be happy?

Wait.

"I'm not going to let your mother take me to the hospital."

"You look like you're dying!" Naruto crosses his arms. "If you go home alone like this, what if something happens to you? I'm not a doctor, but I don't think you're going to get better just by resting at home. I'll drag you to the hospital if I have to!"

"Stop telling me what to do!" I shout as I finally manage to stand up. "How exactly do you plan on dragging me there? You'll break my legs? Pummel me into submission? You can't make me go, Naruto."

Naruto scowls as he stands up too. "Fine, you know what, Sasuke? Just go home. I'll go with you and stay the night to make sure you don't die on me, okay?"

"…stay the night?"

Naruto shrugs, but his face is red. "Someone has to make sure you're okay! I'm sure my parents will understand. It's not like they know about…whatever we are."

My skin is too hot. We're not even dating, and he's already talking about staying the night? No. He didn't mean it that way. He and I both know that. But…I guess we're more than best friends after all.

There's an uncomfortable silence between us as Naruto and I make our way down the stairs. Every step is a struggle. My right leg and arm feel like there are pins and needles stuck in them, and now…I have to eat. I don't want to eat. I can't eat. I haven't been to the cafeteria in who knows how many months. I can't eat in front of all those people. They'll judge me for shoving so much food in my mouth. I—

We're here. The cafeteria is so loud it only amplifies the ringing in my ears. Why am I even here? I need to get out of this place. But my legs can barely go on. I need to sit somewhere now, even if it means bruising my tailbone even more. I can't collapse here.

"Hey, guys!" Naruto raises a hand as he approaches a table. All his friends are here. Sakura, Ino, Shikamaru, Choji, Kiba, Sai…since when does Sai sit here? When is the last time I sat here? Did I used to sit here? It's all too fuzzy. I can't remember anything.

And now it's awkward. They're staring at me like I'm some kind of freak. That's right. I haven't talked to them since last semester. It was after I came back when they started avoiding me. Or maybe I avoided them.

"Hey, Sasuke." Sakura smiles slightly. "You're not going home yet?"

"In a bit."

"Sit, sit!" Ino scoots over to make room for me between her and Sakura. But I can't. I can't raise my legs high enough to get over the bench. I have to sit at the edge.

"I won't be here long," I mumble as I let myself fall beside Sakura, and Naruto sits in front of me. I don't think Ino is even disappointed anymore.

"Hey, Dickless!" Sai smiles at Naruto.

"Why the hell do you keep calling me that?" Naruto looks like he is about to pop a vein in his forehead.

The table bursts into laughter, but now I have to figure out how I'm going to get my lunch out of my bag. As much as I want to chuck it all in the garbage…I probably should try to eat a little bit. I lean over, but I don't have the strength or dexterity to unzip my backpack. I could almost laugh. The one time I think maybe I can eat something, fate stops me.

"Here, take this."

I look up. It's Naruto holding half a sandwich wrapped in plastic. But I don't eat bread, and I don't know what's inside the sandwich, so there's no way I can eat it. Maybe I can pick at whatever is in the middle, just enough so that I have the strength to go home, and then I can throw it up. Or I can chew it and spit it out in a tissue just to convince Naruto that I ate. I think I have tissues in my backpack…except that I can't even get to them in my current state. This is a new low for me, but as long as I avoid the hospital…it's manageable.

…my left hand looks like a claw. My right arm is paralyzed. How am I supposed to take—

Naruto slides the sandwich toward me before returning to eating his own half. Okay. Can I even unwrap this? I lower my hands into my lap so nobody can see how screwed up they are. What kind of sandwich is this? It looks like there are tomatoes in this. I used to love tomatoes, back when I used to eat. Disgusting. Now I hate all food, but…tomatoes might be tolerable. I don't need to fast anymore. But after not eating for so long, what if I gain weight again? If I break my fast, I—

"You signing it, Sasuke?"

I look up. Everyone is staring at me. What do they want? I wasn't listening. I—

Shikamaru slides a piece of paper toward me. A student council president nomination form, and there's a list of about fifteen hastily scrawled names underneath. Shikamaru is running? No. It must be Naruto's. So he was serious about running after all.

But I can't even hold a pen right now. "I'll sign it later."

Naruto's face falls. No. After everything this morning, I should be happy, grateful to have him by my side. He's somebody who has seen so much of the ugliness in me, and yet he still cares.

And yet I'm still so empty.

…

It's not his job to make me whole, and I won't ruin him by taking everything away from him.

I gaze at Naruto. "I promise I'll help you with your campaign."

I shouldn't be doing this. I don't have time. I can't even handle myself as it is. But we're supposed to be best friends or whatever the hell our relationship is now. That means…he's important to me.

Naruto grins, and my heart skips a beat. "We'll talk about it at your house! You should finish eating so we can head out."

Darkness stirs inside me. If only it was that easy. Even if I wanted to eat, I can't get the plastic wrap off this sandwich. I'm just fumbling with it, willing my hands to move and watching them refuse to obey me. Eating is not an option. I—

...

Something is...happening. The room is filling with fog, but the fog is dyed red. Dread looms over me, and I know something bad is about to happen. I don't know what it is, but my chest is tight, so tight I can barely get any air. My hands twitch, and they knock the sandwich to the ground. Did anyone notice? I look up, and I see Naruto watching me. His mouth is moving, but...I can't understand a word he's saying. It's all nonsense. Is he trying to be funny? What's wrong with him? I turn to Sakura, but…it's the same thing. Everyone…it's like they're speaking another language. I strain my ears trying to understand, but the mere effort makes my brain burn. Acid rises up to my throat.

…

If the entire world is losing their mind, that means the only one losing their mind is me. This is bad. This is really, really bad.

It takes everything in me to speak. "Something's wrong. Call 119 (1)."

Naruto's eyes widen, and he cocks his head. He's saying something, but then he starts laughing. What? This isn't funny. My ears are ringing, my brain is about to explode, and—

Vomit surges up my esophagus. I'm going to throw up.

I fight to stand up and get away from everyone before it's too late, but my legs won't work. I crash onto my knees, but it doesn't matter. I cover my mouth with one hand and just barely make it to the trash can before spewing everything inside me. I've fasted for so long that I don't know how I can be throwing up this much. My abdomen tightens as I heave all the water and acid left in my stomach, but it's not enough. It's never enough. Sweat runs down my face, and my brain is turning to sludge. My mouth...it tastes like iron.

I glance down at my hand. It's covered in blood, and this time...it's mine.

…

There's a hand on my shoulder. I look up. It's Naruto, except now he looks terrified.

My mouth won't move the way I want it to. I try to scream, shout, do anything to tell Naruto what's going on, but I don't even know how to form words anymore.

All of a sudden, every muscle in my body stiffens so hard it hurts, and I gasp. The world is tilting, tilting, tilting until it's completely sideways. I'm on the floor. I can't move. I can't breathe.

I…I don't think I'm okay. I need help.

…

"SASUKE!"

(1) 119 is the emergency services number used in Japan.

A/N: Thanks for reading! I know some people read this fic for Naruto and Sasuke's relationship, but for me the crux of the story has always been Sasuke's mental health. It's important that I don't romanticize mental illness, so love cannot be what resolves everything. I don't want to explain in too much detail—I like this story to be left up to reader interpretation—but hopefully that shed some light on the structure of the chapter.

Thanks again, and please look forward to the next chapter!