A/N

Updates may be coming a little slower, but here's a nice extra long chapter to make up for it. Would love to hear your thoughts! Also big thanks to the reviewer who suggested I up the rating of this story. I set that when I firt started writing and didn't realize how in depth I was going to get, but you're totally right, the rating did need to be raised.

Remus sat alone in the spare room, unable to distinguish the nausea from his early withdrawal symptoms from that of his anxiety. He was grateful when Dorcas insisted on speaking to him privately. Itemizing his habits, what he was taking, how much, how long, it had been brutal to see it all laid out on parchment. He didn't need an audience for that.

She'd given him a worried look as she read through the list, but quickly buried it beneath a sympathetic smile.

She invited him to come with her to talk to the others as they came up with a plan of action. He declined.

"You can all decide whatever you want. I'll do it. I don't care."

She nodded. He'd been quite petulant when they'd insisted he take a potion to sober up when he first arrived. She could tell he was still embarrassed by his behavior.

"It's not the heroin I'm worried about. Long term, sure, that's probably his biggest issue, but right now not so much. Opiate withdrawal is unpleasant, but it's not going to kill him. If it was just that then I wouldn't be concerned."

"Well what, then?" asked Sirius, arms folded tightly across his chest as he sat perched on the arm of the couch.

"He's been taking benzos. Most days, for a long time. Even more consistently than the opiates," explained Dorcas. She sighed when everyone looked at her questioningly. "It's a depressant. It's a quiet drug. Doesn't have a dramatic high or hard come down, so people don't always realize what it's doing to them. They get hooked without noticing. He said it's just been to ease his anxiety and help him sleep. He didn't say so, but I suspect it probably helped a lot with his withdrawal symptoms in between fixes. Point is, there's no way he hasn't developed some kind of dependence with the amount he's been taking." She left out that he'd also been using a not insignificant amount of amphetamines. Again, not her biggest worry in the short term.

"How bad is this, Dory?" asked Lily.

"It'll take the right potions and care, but we can manage. He's going to have a rough time of it, though. This puts him at higher risk for seizures. He shouldn't be left alone for at least the next week. At all."

"Oh great, so everyone gets a turn babysitting the junkie."

"Stop calling yourself that," said Sirius, stroking a hand through Remus' hair. "And stop being so dramatic. It's not condescending of us to want to make sure you don't have a fucking seizure."

Sirius sat against the headboard, Remus curled up on the bed, head in his lap. He could feel the tremor running through his whole body.

"It's so stupid. I don't even really care about the benzos. I could take it or leave it, you know? It was just easy, like background noise," he moaned. "I could try to taper off slowly. I've done that before; I can do it again. Maybe this whole thing was a foolish idea," Remus suggested halfheartedly.

"How's that worked out for you so far?"

"I haven't had a drink in months," he said defensively.

"Good thing too, you should have heard what Dory had to say about quitting alcohol cold turkey. That's a term I just learned, by the way. Cold turkey. No idea what it means. I don't think I've ever actually seen a live turkey in person. Had an aunt who bred peacocks for show, though. Temperamental little bastards," Sirius said idly.

Remus stared up at him incredulously.

"Every now and then I forget how absurd your family is, then you say things like that in your posh little voice and all the leather, piercings, and tattoos in the world can't cover up the fact that you were a rich kid."

"Merlin, I wish I could forget my family," he said wistfully. "You know, I think the fact that you were getting high on, apparently, every substance known to man on a daily basis might have contributed to your ability to effectively taper off alcohol. Not to be overly critical, take your wins where you can get them, but do you really think you can replicate that success this time around?"

"Not a chance in hell, no. But it's nice to imagine," said Remus, curling up a little tighter, shaking arms clutching at his stomach.

Sirius slid down the bed a little, shifting until he was lying down behind Remus. He wrapped his arms around him, pulling him in tight to his body.

"You'll get through it," he all but whispered. "I've got you."

Remus couldn't hold the sob that broke out of him as he lay there in Sirius' arms.

"Drink this," Marlene said, holding a small vial of lurid blue liquid. "Dory said you need it twice a day."

Remus reached out as Marlene took her seat on the chair by the bed. His hands were shaking too much to get a grip on the vial. Marlene managed to catch it before it fell to the ground.

"Fuck," he said, pulling his hand back and clenching his fist to ease the tremor.

"It's fine," said Marlene, uncorking the vial and leaning forward. "Open up."

Remus had barley managed to pull himself up into a sitting position, his whole body covered in a sheen of sweat. He looked as if he were about to object, but after a moment he obeyed. She tipped the bitter liquid in his mouth, and a few seconds later he felt his tremors easing just a bit.

"Thanks," he said weakly.

"Don't mention it," she replied. "So, welcome to sobriety. You found your sense of inner peace yet?"

"Yeah but I think I threw it back up about ten minutes ago."

"That's rough."

Remus pulled his knees up closer to his chest, trying to fight against the next wave of nausea.

"So, is sobriety worth the suffering? Am I on the way to a better me?"

"I don't know," said Marlene with a shrug. "Doesn't look fun, but I don't imagine you were having much fun before this, either."

"What do you mean you don't know?" asked Remus.

"I've never been through withdrawal, but it seems like it fucking sucks."

"You've never- what are you talking about? What about when you quite coke? Marley this is the whole reason you were invited!"

"First of all, ouch. Am I not cool enough to be part of your little detox party without something to offer?" she asked, leaning back and raising her eyebrow. "Second of all, no. I was really more of the short but intense binges type. A couple of crazy weeks at a time, but the kind of sustained use that leads to this sort of thing," she said gesturing to him, "wasn't really my style."

"Oh, well, good for you for having so much self-control," he said bitterly.

"Remi, I'm still an addict. It looks a little different on me than it does on you, but trust me when I say I did more than enough damage to my own life. Not to mention Dory and my parents," she said with a hint of sadness that was quickly suppressed. "Still, I was never half as bad as you, I'll concede. You've really upped the game vis a vi rampant substance abuse. I mean really Remi, heroin? I'm almost impressed."

He huffed a small, humorless laugh. "Fuck, Marley, how do you do it? How do you just… just live? I don't think I've gone more than a week without being some kind of fucked up since I was in school."

Marlene let out a long, low whistle. "I knew you were deep in it, especially lately, but fuck… For me, I got so close to burning down the future I'd been building. That I'd been working towards my whole life. It was the war, you know. It just got to me. It still does. I went out and partied to distract myself from that feeling like it's all going away at any moment. Then I fucked it all up. Then I realized, what's the point? If I ruin everything that matters to me before the war even gets a chance, then what's the fucking point? So I stopped. Of course it wasn't as easy as all that, but that's the short version."

"So you're cured then?" he asked sardonically.

"Put it this way. You're not transformed right now. You're regular old human you. So, are you cured of your lycanthropy? No, because it's something that's with you no matter what the phase of the moon."

"That's... depressing."

"Sure. Yeah, it is. Sorry. Upside is you can't fight the moon, but this? You can fight this."

Remus could feel every nerve ending in his body firing of at once. He retched again, but he had long since cleared the contents of his stomach. He could feel a million tiny bugs crawling on his skin and he wanted nothing more than to rip it off.

James looked down at his watch as he rubbed Remus' back where he lay hunched over the side of the sweat soaked bed.

"Alright, it's been long enough," said James, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small vial.

Remus pulled himself back from the edge the bed and made a haphazard attempt to sit upright. It did not go well. James reached over and held the vial to his mouth, helping him drink it.

He gagged a little as the liquid hit his throat.

Eventually his body relaxed some and he uncurled a little as his stomach started to settle. He gave a soft sigh of relief at the small comfort, even as he scratched hard at his arms.

"I wish I could give you more, but according to Lily and Dory, it's pretty hardcore stuff. You'll get another Dreamless Sleep tonight, so there's something to look forward to."

"How about a dose of cyanide? Would have to be better than this," said Remus, his voice scratchy and strained.

James gave him a funny look that he couldn't quite interpret, then spoke without acknowledging the comment.

"Dory reckons today and tomorrow are likely your worst days, then it'll start to ease up a bit," he reassured.

"It feels like the hours right before the full moon, only if there were three moons all pulling in different directions. I feel like I'm coming out of my skin," Remus said, an edge of hysteria creeping into his voice. "I can't do it Prongs, I need it to stop," he said as he tried to push himself off the bed into a standing position.

"Woah, hey-" exclaimed James, ducking forward and gripping Remus under the arm just in time to stop him from falling to floor. "Let's stick to the bed for now, Moony," he said as he guided him back down.

"This was a mistake," Remus said, starting to hyperventilate. "I don't want this, I just want to be high why would anybody want to feel like this? You have to let me go, I have to go-"

James looked around for a moment, trying to come up with a plan as he watched his friend spiral out in front of him. He grabbed the little medical bag from near his feet and rummaged through it, pulling out a bottle.

"Here, Moony, I've been told you're allowed this, it's-"

Remus had grabbed the bottle and downed its contents before James could finish. As the warm liquid trickled down his esophagus, he felt a calm spread through his aching limbs and blossoming in his chest.

"-Calming Draught…" finished James lamely. "Right. Feeling any better?"

Remus nodded, closing his eyes and taking a few steadying breaths. James had been there for hours. They'd mostly sat in silence, with Remus alternating between tossing and turning in a hopeless effort to get comfortable, and throwing up. Between whatever it was that Dorcas was giving him to stave off the worst of the withdrawal and the Calming Draught, he was feeling more coherent than he had all day.

"I must be the worst house guest ever," he said, shivering against the soft pillows behind him.

"I don't think so. I once walked in on Marley and Dory having sex on our couch, back in the share house. In the middle of the living room, in broad daylight," James said, scrunching up his face a little at the memory.

"Me too, actually. More than once."

"I've walked in and you and Pads a few times too many," he said with a slight tinge of disgust. "None of you have caught me and Lily because we have basic decency."

"None of us have walked in on you and Lily because the rest of us actually know how to knock on doors" Remus shot back.

He stretched out a bit, flinching as the muscles in his back spasmed. He let out a pained groan as all his joints loudly rebelled at his attempt to adjust his position. James watched on, concerned. Eventually he seemed to settle, though James knew it wouldn't last long.

"This can't be worth it," said James abruptly, not having intended to speak out loud.

Remus looked up at him, already irritated. "What the fuck are you on about, Prongs?"

"All that stuff you've been putting in your body. It can't have possibly been worth all this," he said. "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be dismissive," he added a little sheepishly. "I just want to understand."

"I didn't set out to make myself sick, it wasn't the fucking goal," Remus snapped.

"Not just this," he said, gesturing at Remus vaguely. "All of it. Everything that's happened, the lying, the cheating-" James immediately regret his words, clamping his mouth shut as soon as he spoke them.

"Obviously it wasn't fucking worth it! None of it was worth it and I have enough regrets to last a lifetime, but must we sit here and list them all right fucking now?" he spat bitterly, feeling another wave of nausea rise along with the shame in his gut.

"I'm so sorry, that's not what I meant," said James earnestly. "I just mean… what's living in your head that you're willing to go through all this just to kill it?"

That stopped Remus in his tracks. He looked at James, noted the plea in his eyes. The way he was having to clench his hands together just to stop himself from reaching out.

"I don't know," he whispered.

"You know I love you, right? I've been a stubborn twat, taking sides when I didn't need to, but you- you do know, don't you?" asked James a little desperately.

Remus didn't look at James. He nodded his head tentatively, uncertainly. He opened his mouth to speak, but the words didn't come. A split second later he was bent over the side of the bedspasming where the bucket sat, retching violently.

Cold. Ice cold.

Every muscle in his body was spasming. Despite the freezing chill that ran through him, his skin was slick with sweat.

Was he awake? He couldn't tell.

Everything hurt. He thought he felt a hand on him. Electricity shot through him where he was touched. His breathing was coming short and fast.

He opened his eyes, but he could not see. There was only darkness, pressing in on every side. Was that yelling coming from him, or someone else?

He felt something press to his lips and he tried desperately to pull away. It was back quickly, only this time his head was held in place. A boiling liquid hit his tongue and he left himself chocking at the foul taste.

A burning heat spread through his limbs. It slowly warmed his freezing body, starting at his core and gradually seeping out until he could feel his skin burning too. Like he was on fire.

Then all at once the sensation disappeared and he was hit with a brutal, bright awareness.

He shot up in the bed, coughing and spluttering. He was definitely awake now. Dorcas was there beside him, a look of alarm on her face. He tried to speak, but his throat felt like gravel and he was so desperately weak.

"Hey, it's okay Remi, calm down," said Dorcas in a soothing voice. "You spiked a fever and you were starting to convulse. I had to give you something to cool you down. I think I got it in time to head off a full blown seizure."

He caught his breath slowly, nodding before his arms gave out underneath him and he collapsed back into the bed.

"It's been so long since we hung out, just the two of us. It's nice to reconnect, but this wouldn't have been my first choice," said Dorcas, a little flustered.

"R-really? It's ex-exactly what I had in m-mind," Remus stuttered out, expending a great deal of energy to say even that much.

"Don't try to talk, just rest, okay? I'll do my best to keep you comfortable."

She ducked back down to her medical bag and pulled out an assortment of potions. She lined them up carefully on the bedside table, and then pulled out her wand. She went to work, alternating between giving him various potions and casting spells and charms. It felt so familiar, words and actions that took him far back to his recovery periods in the Hogwarts hospital wing. She didn't have the same firm hand as Madam Pomfrey, but she was meticulous in her work. He'd spent so much of his life being taken care of.

"This whole treatment plan is a mess," she said, talking at him the whole time she worked. "I'm still in training technically. We don't get a lot of this sort of thing at St Mungo's."

She paused for a minute as she muttered an incantation under her breath that came with a series of complicated wand movements. It made his nerve endings tingle.

"Some of this is what I know, some of it is borrowed from Lily's books and her potions knowledge. I did a lot of research for Marley, when she was having trouble. It's not so new to me though. I had an uncle, he had some problems with sleeping pills. It's how I knew what to look out for with the benzos, because I'd seen him try to quit them."

"Had?" Remus chocked out with a look of distress.

"Oh! Oh no, he managed to get clean. Stayed that way until he died of a heart attack, totally unrelated," she clarified.

She went to give him another potion, but he reached up and grabbed this one himself. He was shaky, but he managed to drink it unassisted. Dorcas smiled, reassured that her treatment was easing his symptoms a little.

"You can get through this. I won't lie and tell you it's easy, but it's possible. But if you keep down the path you've been on you won't be around to get old and worry about unexpected heart attacks with the rest of us. We all really want you around for that. Fuck knows I can't handle Marley on my own," she said as she finished up and closed her bag.

"Do you know how many lycanthropes die of natural causes?" Remus asked, looking like he'd run a marathon just to get through the sentence in one go.

Marlene's face fell. She was all too familiar with those statistics. She'd come face to face with the reality of it in her work. There had been a young woman brought into the ER with a severe case of poisoning, too late for even a bezoar to save her. Dark black hair, scars all over, so young. Dorcas had known instantly what she was. They never did find out if she was attacked or if she'd done it to herself, but Dorcas had overheard a colleague say whoever the culprit, they'd done the world a favor. She cried every night for a week and never told Marlene why. She always kept those stories to herself. The rest of them didn't need to have that shit running through their heads every time they looked at their friend. Every time they watched him do something horribly self-destructive.

"Remi, if I have a single thing to say about it you're going to make it to a hundred years old with five kinds of cancer and dementia. It'll be fucking miserable. You'll outlive us all."

"Heard it was a rough day," said Sirius softly as he crawled into bed next Remus.

He didn't care about dirty sheets, the sweat, the smell of sick. He handed Remus the bottle of Dreamless Sleep, settling into this temporary routine. Remus shrugged as he took the bottle.

"How about you?" Remus asked quietly.

"Absolute shit."

Sirius kissed him gently. Remus drank the potion and curled up. He felt Sirius transform just before he drifted off, the big black dog nuzzling into him.

"You look quite a bit improved from the last time I was here," said Peter after taking his seat.

"I managed to eat a single piece of toast this morning without throwing up, so I'm pretty much on top of the world," Remus deadpanned.

Peter wrung his hands in his lap. Remus knew how uncomfortable he was with the whole situation. He could hardly blame him. Peter had always struggled with other people's problems, struggled with the right words and the right feelings. But he showed up. He always showed up when it mattered.

"How are your parents holding up?" asked Remus pleasantly.

"Oh, you know, rather well all things considered. Father doesn't much like retirement but mother loves having him home," said Peter, still not able to shake that nervous energy.

He kept glancing at Remus and looking away again. He'd been uneasy around Remus the entire withdrawal process, as he often was around things that were too far out of his ability to understand or predict. This was different though. He was distinctly on edge.

"Is there something on your mind, Wormy?" he asked.

"No, it's just- it's nothing really. I don't want to upset you."

"Say what you want to say."

"Well… I've been thinking. Trying to figure it all out. You… you've done things that have hurt people. People you really love, for selfish reasons. So how do you do it? How do you live with it?"

Remus felt his heart sinking. Peter didn't mean to be cruel. He seemed so sincere, so invested in the answer. It's not like he was saying anything that wasn't true. Remus kept his expression neutral as he thought through a response that didn't involve telling Peter to shove off and mind his own business.

"I suppose I'll have to figure that out," he said after a while, prompting a look of confusion from his friend. "Well," Remus clarified, "you don't have to know how to live with your feelings if you just stop yourself from having them. I guess I have to learn now. I wish I had an answer, believe me."

Peter nodded at this, wringing his hands a little more. He seemed oddly dissatisfied with the answer. For a moment Remus almost thought he looked afraid. It quickly passed, and an awkwardly pleasant smile was plastered on Peter's face once again.

"Oh, that makes sense," he said. "I'm glad you're improving. It will be nice to have the old Moony back."

Lily kept glancing back up at Remus as he slowly descended the stairs, gripping the banister hard enough to turn his knuckles white. He'd insisted he was well enough to leave the guest room (or 'fucking prison cell' as he'd called it.) She would have preferred Dorcas check him out before agreeing to more physical activity, but she wasn't around and he seemed a lot better.

"Moony! You're looking… hmm, good to see you up, anyway," said James as they got to the bottom of the stairs.

He paused playing with Harry on the living room floor and watched as they made their way to the kitchen, Remus taking a seat at the little dining table. He slumped into the chair, leaning forward and placing his head on his arms that were folded on the table. James shot Lily a look of concern. She just shook her head at him and started on a pot of tea.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Shitty. Weak," Remus moaned.

"You're not weak, you're just going through-"

"No, Prongs, you tosser, physically weak, like in my body," Remus interrupted.

He was getting very sick of the constant affirmations. Was it too much to ask to just have a normal conversation? James focused his attention back on Harry but kept an ear on the kitchen.

"Camomile or ginger?" Lily asked Remus.

"How about Vodka?" he muttered into his arms.

"Remus!"

"It was a joke, Lil, relax," he said as he sat up properly. "Ginger would be lovely."

"It's not funny. If I could keep you in this house forever I would, but you're going to be well enough to leave soon and comments like that hardly reassure me that you're ready to be alone," she chastised.

"No, of course not, ridiculous of me to make light of my own situation. I am an addict so I must suffer in solemn silence and always be aware of the pain I cause just by existing," he huffed.

"You're an ass is what you are. All day you've been acting like a child," Lily said.

"I know," he sighed. "I'm sorry, I just need some time alone. Preferably in my own home."

A moment to process. To think. To figure out who the fuck he was supposed to be sober. Addict. He'd been using the word, trying to get used to how it feels on him. He could say it without flinching now but not without bitterness. He did not yet know what it meant for his life going forward. Everything had changed all at once, and it had happened under the constant, scrutinizing watch of his friends and he just needed a fucking second to himself.

"As soon as Dory clears you. Even if you're feeling better, there's still risks."

"Can we talk about literally anything else, please? It really was a joke, Lily."

James stood, scooping Harry up in one swift movement that had him giggling wildly, drawing Remus and Lily's attention. He made his way over to the kitchen table and sat Harry down right in front of Remus.

"You're in a mood, take the baby."

"He's- Prongs he's a person not a toy," said Remus even as he reached out to grab Harry.

"Yeah but he's so cute. Besides, he misses you and now that you seem less likely to puke on him I think some quality time is in order," said James, prompting an approving smile from Lily.

Harry crawled his way onto Remus' lap, apparently delighted to see him. Remus gave him a warm hug.

"This isn't fair. I wasn't done being miserable. I have so much more left in me," he said, ruffling Harry's thick, messy hair.

"Harry has the ultimate power over all of us, Remi, it can't be helped," said Lily as she went to tend the tea.

Remus sat on the couch, leaning against Sirius. The whole group was there and he was pleased to feel in significantly better condition that the last time he'd been in this position, a little more than a week ago.

Dorcas had declared that he was out of the woods for the most part. He may well be experiencing minor withdrawal symptoms for weeks, and the weakness and fatigue would take a while to improve. Still, the constant monitoring and treatment was no longer necessary.

They'd all sat down to a warm meal, a pleasant reward for what had been an arduous experience all round. That was over now, and Remus would be heading home with Sirius.

First there was one final conversation that he was absolutely dreading because he knew he didn't have the answers they all wanted from him. The answers to the question on everyone's lips: What now?

"You're sure you got everything?" asked Lily.

"Yes I'm sure. I ransacked the whole flat," Sirius replied.

"And you're ready, Remi, you know what to do if Sirius isn't around and you're having trouble?"

"Yeah, I know. Show up here any time of day or night and annoy the shit out of you and James," he said, wondering how long it would take for him to get over the embarrassment of having to constantly have these sorts of conversations.

"Alright, Lil, I think he gets it," said Marlene gently, empathizing with his discomfort.

Lily backed off a little. They all stared at him, not quite sure where to go next. The silence was broken by Peter of all people.

"Do you really think you can do it? If things were really so bad before, I don't understand how you can just turn it off," he said in a tone that was more confused than accusatory.

"Shut it Wormy, you git," said James as Sirius reached over and threw a pillow in Peter's direction. The others stared disapprovingly at him too. Peter held up his hands defensively. The suggestion that Remus might just instantly fuck it all up was somewhat of a taboo, even though he was certain they were all thinking it.

"It's fine, everyone just calm down," he said. "I don't know, Peter. I think so. I hope so." He paused, looking around at his friends. His family. "I'm sorry for putting you all through this. Thank you for everything you've done for me, really. I don't think I can ever say it enough. I wish I could promise you that I'm going to be fine and the problem's all fixed but I'm sure we all know that's a blatant lie. I'm trying. I can promise you that I'm trying."

Sirius leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. The others seemed somewhat satisfied by this declaration.

"Real touching Remi, you going to confess your undying love for us all next?" teased Marlene, prompting Dorcas to whack her in the arm.

"No. In fact, if I have to talk about my feelings even once for at least the next month or two I'm genuinely going to lose it. Honestly, I'd kill for some small talk. I have a lot of thoughts about the weather, if anyone wants to hear them."

"Oh yeah? Do tell," said Sirius.

"It's shit. England is a horrible country with horrible weather."

"I actually quite like it," said James. "Always been a fan of rain. And cold."

"You're nuts," said Dorcas. "Do you know how good sunshine is for your health?"

They continued on in this fashion for a while. Remus sat back in silence, enjoying listening to them all bicker over completely trivial matters. Very soon he'd have to face the real world outside the safe and substance free confines of the Potter house. For now, it was nice to just think about the weather.